THIS Is when it starts to get awkward? Oh my....

July 14, 2012 8:15 AM

Welcome to your teenage years, MetaFilter!

How about a "through the ages" montage? (posts selected from MetaTalk on July 14/15, not all birthday related) 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13. We remember you when you were just this big.

posted by jessamyn to MetaFilter-Related at 8:15 AM (206 comments total)

And if you're going to listen to my LPs, but them back in the sleeves afterward! You're a young adult, take a little responsibility! And none of that hippity-hop DJ scratching!
posted by cortex (staff) at 8:17 AM on July 14, 2012 [14 favorites]

I learned it by watching you!
posted by Brocktoon at 8:27 AM on July 14, 2012 [29 favorites]

WHY ARE YOU RUINING MY LIFE?!
posted by The Whelk at 8:30 AM on July 14, 2012 [10 favorites]

*sulk, glare*
posted by The Whelk at 8:30 AM on July 14, 2012 [1 favorite]

Now, I know you know all about the birds and the bees, but don't forget that some websites only have one thing on their minds. Use protection and be safe.
posted by Rock Steady at 8:30 AM on July 14, 2012 [1 favorite]

Um, so, you said you wanted to have "the talk"? Is this about that? Will it take long, cause I'm supposed to meet up with some friends later. And can I borrow the car?
posted by likeso at 8:31 AM on July 14, 2012 [1 favorite]

No, I don't need the talk, I have the Internet.
posted by The Whelk at 8:33 AM on July 14, 2012 [2 favorites]

Someone should probably have a talk with you about the bytes and the bits. Just so you understand where websites come from and that you practice safe commenting.

Congrats, Matt, it's helluva site you built and thanks to the mods who kept the site from hanging out with those awful Robinson kids from down the street and much thanks to the members of the site who've contributed so much over the past decade or so.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:34 AM on July 14, 2012 [6 favorites]

You're not my real dad.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 8:38 AM on July 14, 2012 [4 favorites]

That's okay you're not my real clone.
posted by The Whelk at 8:39 AM on July 14, 2012 [4 favorites]

I HATE YOU, I CAN'T DO ANYTHING! *STOMPS UPSTAIRS, SLAMS DOOR*
posted by octothorpe at 8:43 AM on July 14, 2012

Why are you *so* embarrassing ALL THE TIME? You do it on purpose to RUIN MY LIFE!
posted by MuffinMan at 8:43 AM on July 14, 2012

Awkward. I, too, learned it by watching you. Parents who comment, have kids who comment.
posted by safetyfork at 8:47 AM on July 14, 2012 [1 favorite]

Don't trust any websites over 10 years old.
posted by Atreides at 8:49 AM on July 14, 2012 [2 favorites]

*opens mIRC and ICQ to bitch about parents til three am *
posted by The Whelk at 8:49 AM on July 14, 2012 [7 favorites]

Hey, so I'm going over to Katie's to, um, study for the big test on Monday. Oh, yeah, her parents are totally going to be there!

Pro tip: If you seem like a good kid - like, none of your teachers ever have to call your parents about anything - boy oh boy can you get away with a lot.
posted by rtha at 8:51 AM on July 14, 2012 [8 favorites]

Seconding Ethan, straight A honor students with no criminal record don't get questioned when they go on " hiking" trips with some guy you never met.
posted by The Whelk at 8:53 AM on July 14, 2012 [5 favorites]

Rtha, rather, this phone hates acronyms.
posted by The Whelk at 8:53 AM on July 14, 2012

Who is this Ethan person? Have I met his parents?
posted by Rock Steady at 8:55 AM on July 14, 2012 [21 favorites]

Only his mother calls him Ethan, to everyone else he's Spike.

Thanks to Matt and the mods for making this the best place on the Internet to hang out. Donuts for everyone*

*donut must be redeemed in person so y'all are going to have to come to Calgary
posted by arcticseal at 8:56 AM on July 14, 2012

Thanks, Aunt Jess!


P.S.
Is my face going to start breaking out in malformed HTML tags now?
posted by Meta Filter at 8:57 AM on July 14, 2012 [8 favorites]

Looks like only 2 years until another hardcore all night loft party! WOOOOOOOOOOO
posted by the young rope-rider at 9:02 AM on July 14, 2012

Welcome to your teenage years, MetaFilter!

Given the advances in AI research, is it safe to assume metafilter will gain sentience around the time it's old enough for a driver's license? Will Matt be able to put the site on his insurance, or will there have to be a separate policy?
posted by Ghidorah at 9:06 AM on July 14, 2012 [2 favorites]

Whatever.



You never let us do anything.



SO unfair.
posted by julen at 9:08 AM on July 14, 2012

*updates tumblr*
posted by The Whelk at 9:10 AM on July 14, 2012 [1 favorite]

Those magazines under your father's bed are old issues of Computer Shopper, now STOP ASKING ABOUT THEM.
posted by mintcake! at 9:11 AM on July 14, 2012 [5 favorites]

Is there still no cat scan post? Are we not doing that anymore?
posted by anotherpanacea at 9:13 AM on July 14, 2012

Maybe if the site wasn't denied a proper coming of age ritual then it wouldn't be so angsty.
posted by Burhanistan at 9:15 AM on July 14, 2012

*rolls eyes, slams door*
posted by keli at 9:15 AM on July 14, 2012

13 x 4.7* = 61.1
posted by R. Mutt at 9:16 AM on July 14, 2012 [1 favorite]

Maybe if the site wasn't denied a proper coming of age ritual then it wouldn't be so angsty.

No one TOLD me to have hallucinations in that ditch it just kind of happened.
posted by The Whelk at 9:16 AM on July 14, 2012 [1 favorite]

I an 20 years older than metafilter to the day.
posted by to sir with millipedes at 9:17 AM on July 14, 2012 [2 favorites]

You don't understand. You couldn't.
posted by h00py at 9:17 AM on July 14, 2012 [1 favorite]

Please accept as a gift all of my Smiths CDs.
posted by bookwibble at 9:18 AM on July 14, 2012 [5 favorites]

*watches four hours of Buffy taped off the TV*
posted by The Whelk at 9:19 AM on July 14, 2012 [8 favorites]

So this is us? When do we get to this stage?

Happy birthday!
posted by mukade at 9:19 AM on July 14, 2012

No, you may not go to Digg's house. They've gone steadily downhill and then get sold at a fraction of their all time high. I won't have you mixing with those sort of people.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 9:21 AM on July 14, 2012 [7 favorites]

REDDIT gets to do self links! You are SO unfair
posted by The Whelk at 9:23 AM on July 14, 2012 [7 favorites]

This is where we storm the liquor cabinet.
posted by arcticseal at 9:24 AM on July 14, 2012

So metafilter is a Cancer then?
posted by The Whelk at 9:26 AM on July 14, 2012

On workplace productivity, yes.
posted by cortex (staff) at 9:29 AM on July 14, 2012 [49 favorites]

This is the age where we're meant to steal money from the mods' wallets to go buy weed and cheetos, right?
posted by elizardbits at 9:35 AM on July 14, 2012

Jesus, at least wait until you're 15.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 9:40 AM on July 14, 2012

weed and cheetos
Damn, I want that now.
posted by Glinn at 9:41 AM on July 14, 2012 [2 favorites]

Now it's time to talk to you about the birds and the bees....

*hyperventilates*

...talk to your ask.metafilter.
posted by littlesq at 9:43 AM on July 14, 2012 [9 favorites]

All I know is that I sincerely hope this is just a phase, because that was the absolute *last* time I clean your poop off of the leather couch.

Sheesh. Teenagers.
posted by item at 9:47 AM on July 14, 2012

Thank God I've always only loved you like a sister, Metafilter.
posted by jamjam at 9:48 AM on July 14, 2012

Given the advances in AI research, is it safe to assume metafilter will gain sentience around the time it's old enough for a driver's license?

Oh my god, only three years to Judgment Day! Happy birthday, MFers!
posted by InfidelZombie at 9:48 AM on July 14, 2012

Reddit said that MetaFilter had a 13th birthday party and everyone was invited except me and NOBODY LIKES ME because you won't buy me Jordache jeans!!!

(screee!)
posted by ladygypsy at 9:55 AM on July 14, 2012

...I remember it like it was yesterday..... [dreamy fade]
posted by cashman at 9:58 AM on July 14, 2012 [1 favorite]

I guess this means I'm almost four then.

kid's a fucking genius, except just watch, he'll be sniffing glue soon, listening to Merzbow
posted by philip-random at 9:59 AM on July 14, 2012 [1 favorite]

Yeah, where's the cat scan? Has that been mathowie every year, or have the posts been by different users?

Happy birthday, MeFi!
posted by brina at 10:04 AM on July 14, 2012 [1 favorite]

I need to use the bathroom! What're you doing in there?!
posted by jonmc at 10:08 AM on July 14, 2012

No, I'm not driving you to the record store again. Why can't you just listen to whatever's on the radio like all the other websites?
posted by scody at 10:14 AM on July 14, 2012

No, I'm not driving you to the record store again. Why can't you just listen to whatever's on the radio like all the other websites?

Because the radio SUCKS! Anyway, Mom, if not for you, I would never have got into hitchhiking at such an early age. Met my first proper drug dealer that way. Thanks for that.
posted by philip-random at 10:23 AM on July 14, 2012 [1 favorite]

Here you are, MetaFilter. I know you asked for Adidas but I bought you Zips. Same thing, right?
posted by griphus at 10:27 AM on July 14, 2012 [4 favorites]

When it was just a teen
It was a very good site
It was a very good site for this MeFite
And soft summer days
We'd bitch on the Gray
On the Blue and the Green
When it was just a teen

When it was twenty-one
It was a virtual network
It was a virtual network for this neural fork
Who lived on the Net
So he could forget
How the world came undone
When it was twenty-one

When it was thirty-five
MetaTron came alive
MetaTron came alive as a viraulent hive
Of independent mind
We'd post everything blind
The Mods would eat you alive
When it was thirty-five

But now the bits grow infinite
As our bodies delimit
And now I think of FPPs as honey from bees
From bottomless combs
We made this our home
How we'd buzz in the night
It was a very good site

It was a piece of the light
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 10:40 AM on July 14, 2012 [23 favorites]

Metafilter's all right, Ask is all right
they just seem a little weeeeeeird
posted by The Whelk at 10:47 AM on July 14, 2012 [10 favorites]

On this day the mob stormed the Bastille and released MetaFilter from its cell.
posted by Cranberry at 11:19 AM on July 14, 2012 [2 favorites]

Metafilter will now enter the phase where it obsesses over Jordan Catalano.
posted by birdherder at 11:19 AM on July 14, 2012 [12 favorites]

This ... may explain the recent spate of MeTa events - thread and comment deletions, account closures, MeTas ABOUT thread and comment deletions.

All those hormones running around.
posted by the man of twists and turns at 11:23 AM on July 14, 2012 [1 favorite]

Metafilter will now enter the phase where it obsesses over Jordan Catalano.

Rayanne and I are going over to Tino's house after school. You can come MeFi, if you promise to not act like a total dork.
posted by ApathyGirl at 11:29 AM on July 14, 2012 [9 favorites]

*wraps MetaFilter in fireproof blanket*

I am now prepared for the inevitabilities of aerosol deodorant and illicit cigarettes.
posted by carsonb at 11:36 AM on July 14, 2012

I can't believe I wasted my thirties reading this crappy website.

:-)
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 11:42 AM on July 14, 2012

Illicit cigarettes? Running out at night? Please. MeFi's a pathologically good kid, straight As, says things like "My Dad is a real inspiration", does volunteer work for both college application credit and cause they ENJOY it, gets legitimate upset if someone yells at him, is already worried about having a "career, not just a job", and in his spare time between his EMBRACE INCLUSIVENESS WoW group and homework, he bakes cookies.


The closest Mefi ever got to Trouble was being in the same room as Grandma when she toked up and even then he got a little nervous and made an excuse to leave.
posted by The Whelk at 11:43 AM on July 14, 2012 [3 favorites]

Oh man, did I ever tell you guys about the time I went to a birthday party when I was like twelve, and I came home and my mom thought I'd been secretly drinking there, but it was just because I had used my nose spray because of my allergies?

That was a hell of a thing.
posted by cortex (staff) at 11:50 AM on July 14, 2012 [5 favorites]

Your adolescence; my menopause

*hormone heaven*

Now give me back my Clearasil.
posted by infini at 11:57 AM on July 14, 2012 [1 favorite]

.
posted by OmieWise at 12:02 PM on July 14, 2012

Metafilter is going to meet someone behind the gym for its very first sexual experience: a french kiss and a little bit of groping.
posted by orange swan at 12:03 PM on July 14, 2012

meet someone behind the gym

That reminds me of when I was a short skinny underaged senior and my counsellor put me in Middle School typing because it fit my schedule better than HS typing - yes, Virginia, back then we only had manual typewriters about the size of a suitcase and I broke poor Dane's heart when I met him behind the gym. The announcement over the PA asking all seniors to go to the auditorium for graduation rehearsal meant Mrs Hayley excused me in the middle of class and when he met me later, he just stood and stared and blurted,

"You're a SENIOR!!!"

*sigh*

No kiss and a broken 8th grader's heart.
posted by infini at 12:09 PM on July 14, 2012 [1 favorite]

Uh, Matt, this is the reason you recently received a box with a training bra and shaving cream. It was a joke about your little MetaFilter becoming a teenager. Yeah, just a joke, nothing creepy.
posted by filthy light thief at 12:13 PM on July 14, 2012

For those of you who want help understanding these teenage years, Ze Frank and Rainn Wilson break it down for you.
posted by Bunny Ultramod at 12:19 PM on July 14, 2012

anotherpanacea: "Is there still no cat scan post? Are we not doing that anymore?"

Hmm. There isn't, and there wasn't one deleted. Sad. Ominous?
posted by Night_owl at 12:29 PM on July 14, 2012

Progress!
posted by Burhanistan at 12:35 PM on July 14, 2012

Mostly I remember saying, "Mom, my sneakers don't fit anymore" at that age. I went from like an 8 to a 13 size shoe from the ages of 11 to 13. Big damn clown feet.
posted by octothorpe at 12:39 PM on July 14, 2012

(size 12 solidarity octothorpe, I never find vintage shoes in my size)
posted by The Whelk at 12:42 PM on July 14, 2012

Well, you know what they say about big feet.

They say, them feets are fucking enormous, yo.
posted by Bunny Ultramod at 12:43 PM on July 14, 2012 [10 favorites]

(thanks again Mom for calling them caveman feet)
posted by The Whelk at 12:45 PM on July 14, 2012

They could have been hobbit feet. Hairy toes represent.
posted by arcticseal at 12:45 PM on July 14, 2012

If there is one thing movies have taught me, it's that cavemen are awesome.
posted by Bunny Ultramod at 12:45 PM on July 14, 2012

Yabba Dabba Doo
posted by jonmc at 12:46 PM on July 14, 2012

EEEGAH
posted by The Whelk at 12:47 PM on July 14, 2012 [4 favorites]

Is there the part where Metafilter's mom picks up the site from school during one Grade 8 afternoon and silently hands it a box of Kotex?
posted by jokeefe at 12:48 PM on July 14, 2012 [2 favorites]

It's hard raising eight kids but someone has to do the work. Meta is hitting *that age* and starting to not share the links he finds anymore, Ask is still a font of questions that lurks the library, Podcasts is his usual chatty self (but mostly talking to himself these days), Projects never leaves her room - something about building a lego castle for her pet mouse, Music is still wailing night and day and IRL is too young to be left alone for a single minute.

Jobs is locked in the attic.
posted by The Whelk at 12:52 PM on July 14, 2012 [1 favorite]

How babby formed?
posted by infini at 12:56 PM on July 14, 2012

Is there still no cat scan post? Are we not doing that anymore?

As near as I could tell, the only reason there was no post was because nobody posted it. So I posted it.

aaaaaaa i never posted before what am i dooooiiiiinnnggg
posted by reprise the theme song and roll the credits at 1:01 PM on July 14, 2012 [4 favorites]

Wait until metafilter can legally drink!
posted by cjorgensen at 1:03 PM on July 14, 2012

I hate you! You MODS are so unfair! You never let me say what I really want to say and when I do you give me stupid time-outs like I'm 5 years old or something! "Cut it out", "Cut it out". Blah Blah Blah. I wish you were dead!

Slams bedroom door really really hard.

Mods shake their heads in exasperation and think....just 5 more years.
posted by Seymour Zamboni at 1:05 PM on July 14, 2012

I considered making the post when it was pointed out that no one else had, but I felt too... insignificant. I didn't want to disappoint people by making a post that someone noteworthy should have made.
posted by Night_owl at 1:05 PM on July 14, 2012

It just occured to me that we're all basically writing metafilter fan fiction.
posted by The Whelk at 1:06 PM on July 14, 2012 [6 favorites]

Mazel Tov! Now we're going to expect you to start pulling your weight around here, since you're technically an adult.

Do I really want to send Matt $18 bucks for a bad joke?
posted by Mizu at 1:10 PM on July 14, 2012

If it wasn't for my Metafilter friends I'd have no friends at all.





Seriously, I'm a very lonely man.
posted by tommasz at 1:15 PM on July 14, 2012

I didn't want to disappoint people by making a post that someone noteworthy should have made.

We're all worthy of posting to the blue. That's what's so bluetiful about it.
posted by reprise the theme song and roll the credits at 1:15 PM on July 14, 2012 [2 favorites]

Love Is Blue
posted by The Whelk at 1:18 PM on July 14, 2012

Whelk, you had to find the absolute WORST cover of that, didn't you????!!!!
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 1:21 PM on July 14, 2012

THIS is Love is Blue. DEAL WITH IT.

Paul Mauriat, represent!
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 1:22 PM on July 14, 2012 [4 favorites]

I didn't want to disappoint people by making a post that someone noteworthy should have made.

Who are you?
posted by cjorgensen at 1:23 PM on July 14, 2012

It just occured to me that we're all basically writing metafilter fan fiction.

As soon as you post it, it becomes part of MeFi and is therefore fan fact.
posted by teraflop at 1:30 PM on July 14, 2012

I'm calling it now: MetaFifteen Celebration. New Orleans. 2014.

(or if you prefer: the fifth anniversary of the legendary MetaFilter Tenth party)
posted by ColdChef at 1:34 PM on July 14, 2012 [15 favorites]

For it to stay fictional you have to post it to metametatalktalk.
posted by reprise the theme song and roll the credits at 1:35 PM on July 14, 2012

Wow: France, Woody Guthrie AND MetaFilter? Thanks, July 14th!

Srsly, no one's gonna make a Woody Guthrie FPP? Sigh.
posted by trip and a half at 1:37 PM on July 14, 2012

ColdChef: "I'm calling it now: MetaFifteen Celebration. New Orleans. 2014.

(or if you prefer: the fifth anniversary of the legendary MetaFilter Tenth party)"

I may not be able to make it this time. Someone else will have to RickRoll the party.
posted by subbes at 1:37 PM on July 14, 2012 [1 favorite]

What, no 2013? Speak up now or you'll have to hold it in Fayetteville.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 1:38 PM on July 14, 2012

ColdChef, you are on. We will be there.
posted by gingerbeer at 1:40 PM on July 14, 2012 [2 favorites]

Will it be a MeFiceañera with fancy dresses and tiaras?
posted by Burhanistan at 1:42 PM on July 14, 2012 [9 favorites]

MetaFifteen Celebration. New Orleans. 2014.

but.... but the football
posted by elizardbits at 1:46 PM on July 14, 2012

MY GOD MAN WHERE ARE YOUR PRIORITIES
posted by elizardbits at 1:46 PM on July 14, 2012

I AM READY FOR TIARAS

BORN READY


posted by The Whelk at 1:47 PM on July 14, 2012

What actually is the deal with posts 1-18, by the way? I feel like I should know that bit of MetaFilter lore.
posted by Scientist at 1:48 PM on July 14, 2012 [1 favorite]

they where too horrible to contemplate
posted by The Whelk at 1:49 PM on July 14, 2012 [1 favorite]

MetaFifteen Celebration. New Orleans. 2014.

This is now marked in my calendar.
posted by rtha at 1:50 PM on July 14, 2012 [1 favorite]

Happy Birthday, Metafilter! You're a teen now? So, do you babysit?

*goes off to mark the levels on the liquor bottles in the cabinet*
posted by peagood at 1:51 PM on July 14, 2012 [1 favorite]

Posts 1-18 were by Paphnuty.
posted by Bunny Ultramod at 1:56 PM on July 14, 2012 [2 favorites]

did you mean to post something there Bunny? I just see a blank line.
posted by The Whelk at 1:59 PM on July 14, 2012 [4 favorites]

You mean the liquour levels were marked *and* you were tracking dad's carton of cigarettes in the bottom drawer?
posted by infini at 1:59 PM on July 14, 2012 [2 favorites]

Oh my god, only three years to Judgment Day! Happy birthday, MFers!

Since when is Judgement Day in 2015? No, we had it as planned in 1997, but you were just having such a good time that nobody wanted to tell you...
posted by adamdschneider at 2:09 PM on July 14, 2012

All I wanted was a goddamn Pepsi.
posted by spitbull at 2:11 PM on July 14, 2012 [5 favorites]

I hate my mother. She's SO much prettier than me.
posted by Gator at 2:15 PM on July 14, 2012

I am just looking for a used car...what is all this?
posted by reprise the theme song and roll the credits at 2:16 PM on July 14, 2012 [1 favorite]

Kisses Kylie poster on his way to bed for old times sake.

What do you mean you weren't doing that sort of thing at 13?
posted by feelinglistless at 2:19 PM on July 14, 2012

Paphnuty? Who is that? Oh, hang on, I think there's someone at the door.
posted by Scientist at 2:22 PM on July 14, 2012 [1 favorite]

Only 13, and already destroying the careers of thousands. I'm so proud.
posted by Phire at 2:27 PM on July 14, 2012

Thinking back on it, I sure hope parents of teenagers get together and talk about how long their kids spend in the bathroom.

"An hour and half the other day." [hand gesture, good-natured laughing]

God knows I was guilty as charged. So have a good time in there, metafilter.
posted by maxwelton at 2:30 PM on July 14, 2012

Internet years feel like dog years or something. If I look back 10 years ago at something that happened on the internet, it feels like it might have been 20. So, maybe one internet year should be equivalent to 2 real-life years.

If that's the case, metafilter is still eligible for Obama's extended insurance coverage.
posted by SpacemanStix at 2:36 PM on July 14, 2012

I'm calling it now: MetaFifteen Celebration. New Orleans. 2014.

Woot! Party at ColdChef's house!

I hope you have plenty of crash space, because we are ALL showing up, and none of us are planning on getting hotel rooms.
posted by hippybear at 2:46 PM on July 14, 2012 [4 favorites]

Why don't you all f-fade away?
Don't try and dig what we all s-s-say
I'm not tryin' to get things out of kilter
I'm just talkin' 'bout M-Meta f-f-filter
posted by FelliniBlank at 2:53 PM on July 14, 2012 [1 favorite]

Great, another year and MeFi embraces Ayn Rand.
posted by Mick at 3:12 PM on July 14, 2012 [2 favorites]

I want a PONY! Everybody ELSE has one!
posted by carter at 3:37 PM on July 14, 2012 [1 favorite]

The bar mitzvah begins promptly at noon.
posted by dr_dank at 3:37 PM on July 14, 2012

Woot! Party at ColdChef's house!

Fine, you can stay in the treehouse.
posted by ColdChef at 4:07 PM on July 14, 2012 [3 favorites]

Crappy barfday, you old clusterfuck.
posted by Joseph Gurl at 4:32 PM on July 14, 2012

The bar mitzvah begins promptly at noon.

Today I am a flameout.
posted by jonmc at 4:35 PM on July 14, 2012

fuck you mom I'm not taking out the trash!!!!!!
posted by AElfwine Evenstar at 4:43 PM on July 14, 2012

It just occured to me that we're all basically writing metafilter fan fiction.

I'm suddenly ok with this brave new metaworld.
posted by AElfwine Evenstar at 4:44 PM on July 14, 2012 [1 favorite]

But in this AU everything takes place at Hogwarts.
posted by The Whelk at 5:01 PM on July 14, 2012 [1 favorite]

Or brakebills if you want to get American with it
posted by The Whelk at 5:03 PM on July 14, 2012 [1 favorite]

Another notable birthday today.
posted by oneswellfoop at 5:17 PM on July 14, 2012 [1 favorite]

NO, MOM- WE'RE JUST BURNING INCENSE! DON'T COME UP HERE!
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 5:41 PM on July 14, 2012

The bar mitzvah begins promptly at noon.

Is MetaFilter even circumcised?
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 5:44 PM on July 14, 2012 [1 favorite]

I wonder — if the original owner of cat-scan.com had signed up here, and had done a MeFi birthday post on the blue while cat-scan.com was still up, would that be a banning offense?
posted by reprise the theme song and roll the credits at 5:59 PM on July 14, 2012

the whelk is totally a hufflepuff.
posted by elizardbits at 6:00 PM on July 14, 2012 [1 favorite]

Zefrank and Rainn Wilson told me that Metafilter doesn't have access to the front of its cerebral cortex and that you're an idiot. They really did.
posted by crunchland at 6:02 PM on July 14, 2012

MetaFilter, just promise me you won't fall in love with a rival website hosted in Verona, okay?
posted by smirkette at 6:07 PM on July 14, 2012 [2 favorites]

Stop talking about that caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake!
posted by FelliniBlank at 6:29 PM on July 14, 2012

the whelk is totally a hufflepuff

You know I'm good at finding? My boot up your backside * straightens black and yellow tie *
posted by The Whelk at 6:34 PM on July 14, 2012

Not acceptable Mr. Man! You get your fanny right back in your room because you're not going anywhere tonight with that kinda smart-mouth. And, I'm unplugging the phone.
posted by vozworth at 6:54 PM on July 14, 2012

you are the huffliest
posted by elizardbits at 6:57 PM on July 14, 2012

I'm calling it now: MetaFifteen Celebration. New Orleans. 2014.

I will have room for 2 riders from Austin. Make. It. Happen.
posted by Devils Rancher at 6:59 PM on July 14, 2012 [2 favorites]

you are the huffliest

You think the house elves prepare the feasts, and you're mostly right, they do all the kitchen work, but you know you planns the meals, sets the menus, obtains the rare spices, supervises the tricky cooking and generally runs the show to make sure every feast is a lavish, entertaining, novel fun time for all?

I'm just saying the next time you and your scheming housemates snicker about hufflepuff you may want to avoid the soup.
posted by The Whelk at 7:06 PM on July 14, 2012 [1 favorite]

Those magazines under your father's bed are old issues of Computer Shopper, now STOP ASKING ABOUT THEM.

I have now made a decision. Whenever I ever have kids, I need to make a purchase of totally innocuous magazines from France, Germany and Japan, and just have a stack of them under my bed to frustrate those little onanists.

As for MeFifteen, I suggest and demand that it be held at Mimi's, in Marigny, as a reinactment of the small but epic and legendary pseudo-ninth Anniversary meetup held there in 2008.
posted by Navelgazer at 7:28 PM on July 14, 2012

Oh, man. That was a great night.
posted by ColdChef at 7:42 PM on July 14, 2012 [1 favorite]

Metafilter has always reminded me of high school. . . .
posted by Danf at 7:50 PM on July 14, 2012

I remember reading AskMeFi back during my LiveJournal days...the 90s seem SO long ago now, it's not even funny. Or maybe it is, since it's one of the few things about the 90s I actually CAN remember.
posted by Telpethoron at 8:27 PM on July 14, 2012

I need to make a purchase of totally innocuous magazines from France, Germany and Japan, and just have a stack of them under my bed to frustrate those little onanists.

What was your favorite Internet porn site when you were a kid, Dad?
posted by flabdablet at 8:47 PM on July 14, 2012 [1 favorite]

Is it pronounced Bat Mitzvah or Bas Mitzvah?
posted by not_on_display at 8:51 PM on July 14, 2012

It's pronounced the bar is open and they have mimosas, cheers.
posted by The Whelk at 8:57 PM on July 14, 2012 [1 favorite]

What was your favorite Internet porn site when you were a kid, Dad?

Why Metafilter, of course!
posted by Navelgazer at 9:13 PM on July 14, 2012

Is it pronounced Bat Mitzvah or Bas Mitzvah?

We're actually having a ska mitzvah.
posted by bookwibble at 9:16 PM on July 14, 2012 [2 favorites]

DONE TOO MUCH MUCH TO YOUNG
posted by The Whelk at 9:29 PM on July 14, 2012 [2 favorites]

Oh man, if you think election seasons are bad now, wait 'til MetaFilter is old enough to vote…
posted by reprise the theme song and roll the credits at 9:34 PM on July 14, 2012 [1 favorite]

In my day, you had to use a card catalog to find porn.
posted by FelliniBlank at 1:24 AM on July 15, 2012 [1 favorite]

"Ok, were are doing "tomb of horrors" tonight, I will have the station wagon home by 10:00 P.M.
posted by clavdivs at 8:37 AM on July 15, 2012

When I was your age, son, I had to use my imagination.
posted by seanmpuckett at 10:30 AM on July 15, 2012

Whenever I ever have kids, I need to make a purchase of totally innocuous magazines from France, Germany and Japan, and just have a stack of them under my bed to frustrate those little onanists.

Do you think the next generation is going to care about "magazines"? They will look upon your primitive pornography in the same way we view naughty Victorian daguerreotypes (ooooooh, I think I saw an ankle in this one!).

Plus, I'm pretty sure there are no innocuous Japanese magazines.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 11:41 AM on July 15, 2012

I missed the party. Again.
posted by Splunge at 11:44 AM on July 15, 2012

Aint no party like a meta party cause a meta party is telecommuted
posted by The Whelk at 11:54 AM on July 15, 2012 [2 favorites]

I know that you are getting older, and parts of you are changing... and that its going to happen sooner or later, but...

If and when you start dating, stay away from /b/ and 4chan - while they've got more experience in certain areas - there's no point in rushing...
posted by Nanukthedog at 12:06 PM on July 15, 2012 [1 favorite]

I don't know about you but I want to party in here all month long.
posted by reprise the theme song and roll the credits at 12:13 PM on July 15, 2012

Bring in some of those kickin' beats from music.mefi and whatever they have in the green that's still okay to eat
posted by reprise the theme song and roll the credits at 12:14 PM on July 15, 2012

I dont want you hanging around that reddit kid hes bad news

Also never believe a thing uncle Something Awful tells you
posted by The Whelk at 12:15 PM on July 15, 2012

The Fark kid on the other hand, he's OK, just a little..confused.
posted by jonmc at 12:31 PM on July 15, 2012 [2 favorites]

Hey, one time MeFi thought that Fark kid was cool.
posted by Burhanistan at 1:08 PM on July 15, 2012

Is Metafilter a boy or a girl? I want to know for the "hair down there" talk.
posted by bendy at 1:14 PM on July 15, 2012 [1 favorite]

It has a pixelated crotch with the word NORMATIVE superimposed.
posted by Burhanistan at 1:16 PM on July 15, 2012 [2 favorites]

Metafilter is WHATEVER IT WANTS TO BE ON THE INSIDE OKAY.

Sheesh, so judgey! At this the most critical and confusing stage! Lets wait until metafilter tells us what it is rather than impose something on it.
posted by The Whelk at 2:36 PM on July 15, 2012 [2 favorites]

I have a bong under my teenage mattress.
posted by y2karl at 3:33 PM on July 15, 2012

Now it is a party.
posted by The Whelk at 3:40 PM on July 15, 2012

You're mattress is more than twelve years old? Have that bad boy cleaned, my friend!
posted by jonmc at 5:25 PM on July 15, 2012

Guys

Whatever, I am so more mature than other 13 year olds, it is like I was born with an old soul

I would have posted earlier, but it took me 34 hours to type this with tiny arms
posted by Eoabelisaurus mefi at 5:59 PM on July 15, 2012 [2 favorites]

Last waring MetaFilter! It's a school night. If your light is still on at 3 am when I have to go pee I am totally doing to reset the wifi password and CUT YOU OFF!
posted by snsranch at 6:56 PM on July 15, 2012

oops...Going to?
posted by snsranch at 6:57 PM on July 15, 2012

MetaFilter: Hippie Bath Day
posted by not_on_display at 7:33 PM on July 15, 2012

snsranch: if you can't even type your comment correctly, I'm doubtful you can reset a wifi password.
posted by hippybear at 8:46 PM on July 15, 2012

The Whelk, I wasn't imPOSing I was just ASKing, jeez, why do you always have to get all up on my CASE?
posted by bendy at 12:31 AM on July 16, 2012

The mister and I are already figuring out how we can take a train to NOLA in two years. We'll likely be drunk when we hit town. Consider yourselves warned.
posted by lilywing13 at 12:38 AM on July 16, 2012 [2 favorites]

I knew MeFi when it was two. Little fucker spit up on me all the time. Broke all my toys. Man it seems like yesterday.
posted by eyeballkid at 9:17 AM on July 16, 2012

And if you're curious, I still do hate all of you.
posted by eyeballkid at 9:17 AM on July 16, 2012 [5 favorites]

*grabs eyeballkid*
*gives him a big wet one on the lips*
*runs*
posted by infini at 9:22 AM on July 16, 2012

I knew MeFi when it was two. Little fucker spit up on me all the time. Broke all my toys. Man it seems like yesterday.

And now, we're "going out" with your sister.
posted by Devils Rancher at 9:51 AM on July 16, 2012

Where "going out" equals keeping each other just under arm's length at school dances then sneaking behind the gym for kisses with too much awkwardly applied tongue.
posted by EvaDestruction at 9:58 AM on July 16, 2012

how long is an under arm?
posted by Kabanos at 11:44 AM on July 16, 2012

20 inches, same as in town.
posted by SpiffyRob at 11:45 AM on July 16, 2012

Twenty inches, same is in toGODDAMMIT SPIFFYROB
posted by cortex (staff) at 11:46 AM on July 16, 2012 [3 favorites]

*inserts ROFLMAO*

*runs*
posted by infini at 11:53 AM on July 16, 2012

I'm your uncle kaf--I used to take you for ice cream when you were five. And I'll tell you a secret. I still follow your exploits in the local paper--I cut out the articles and save them in a book no-one ever opens. I'm hoping that when I'm dead it'll be really heartwarming.
posted by Kafkaesque at 1:39 PM on July 16, 2012 [3 favorites]

I have a warm space for Uncle Kaf, but it's not in my heart.
posted by ColdChef at 8:20 PM on July 16, 2012

Yay! Happy Birthday Metafilter!
posted by Joey Michaels at 11:12 PM on July 16, 2012

Can you drop me off a couple blocks away? I don't want my friends to see you.
posted by double block and bleed at 1:43 PM on July 17, 2012

No, fuck you, Dad!
posted by h00py at 8:02 AM on July 19, 2012

> No, fuck you, Dad!

I just got that tattooed on my belly!
posted by Burhanistan at 8:13 AM on July 19, 2012 [3 favorites]

I'll just put the chairs up on the table, then..
posted by reprise the theme song and roll the credits at 3:23 AM on August 14, 2012

Eponysterical!
posted by OmieWise at 5:57 AM on August 14, 2012 [3 favorites]

Jumping the gun a bit.
posted by cortex (staff) at 7:46 AM on August 14, 2012

"Nasty" really is the perfect pop song.
posted by Burhanistan at 8:01 AM on August 14, 2012

Oh you nasty boys.
posted by cortex (staff) at 8:14 AM on August 14, 2012

*literally physically jumps on a gun*
posted by cortex (staff) at 8:14 AM on August 14, 2012