If you could be a professional criminal, what would you be? October 31, 2001 5:56 AM   Subscribe

If you could be a professional criminal, what would you be? (more inside)
posted by clavdivs to MetaFilter-Related at 5:56 AM (67 comments total)

I would pick jewel thief.
posted by clavdivs at 5:59 AM on October 31, 2001


I wouldn't go for big ticket items like expensive jewels. At a certain point the fence or whoever is buying is going to decide whats more trouble, killing you or just paying for it.

I'd be the guy that programs newly kidnapped hitchhikers into cults. You don't think they just decide to join do you?

"You love the leader the leader is your best friend!"

Its tough, worth it, and you can probably get lots of mindless cult sex out of the bargain.


posted by skallas at 6:04 AM on October 31, 2001


I'd like to sign up to be a Duke boy. I know, it's not glamorous, and not much of a criminal in the grand scheme of things, but that's what I'd like to be.

You know, always drivin' fast, rustlin' a few cattle, gettin' into fights at the local pool hall. And every week a new car chase, which I'll always get away from by jumping over a river, or a gorge, or a canal, or a byway, or a jetty, and end up in complete safety at home on the farm, which for some reason the authorities can never visit.

dem Dukes, dem Dukes!!!
posted by mathowie (staff) at 6:13 AM on October 31, 2001 [1 favorite]


I'd be a Pimp, baby! And if asks nicely, I might just let your mom work for me.
posted by Optamystic at 6:33 AM on October 31, 2001


er...if she asks nicely...

There is nothing on earth more embarrassing than screwing up a "Yo momma" joke. Sigh...
posted by Optamystic at 6:37 AM on October 31, 2001


I'd go for the live-fast-die-young, guns in my handbag, big black sunglasses, old-convertable-driving cross country crime spree.

With your mom!
posted by jennyb at 6:57 AM on October 31, 2001


Bank robber, definitely. It's the intelligent criminal's choice - you need technical expertise, advance planning, and good follow-through. And that's where they keep the money, man. But I would be willing to take down other scores - jewelry, precious metals, rarities, the like.

Hey clavdivs, wanna form up a crew? We find someone who can do crowd control (Steve Buscemi?) and we're in business.
posted by UncleFes at 6:58 AM on October 31, 2001


get matt for the gettaway driver.
posted by clavdivs at 7:03 AM on October 31, 2001


serial killer. seriously.
posted by ColdChef at 7:04 AM on October 31, 2001


A Rich one?
posted by liam at 7:11 AM on October 31, 2001


If I lived in Alabama, I'd be a sodomizer.
posted by skwm at 7:16 AM on October 31, 2001


Crack whore. Oops, too late.
posted by websavvy at 7:39 AM on October 31, 2001


Strange....last night I was thinking of bad Halloween costumes from when I was a little kid. One year I wore on of those mask and smock things that was supposed to be Bo Duke from 'The Dukes of Hazzard'. While at a neighbor's house collecting my loot, the guy wrongly mis-identified me as Hutch of 'Starsky and Hutch'. I corrected him and he called me 'Hutch' again. At that point I kicked him in the shin with all of the might my 8-year-old frame could muster and ran off without even grabbing any candy.
posted by ttrendel at 7:42 AM on October 31, 2001


Optamystic, can I be your ho?
posted by Doug at 7:43 AM on October 31, 2001


Strange....last night I was thinking of bad Halloween costumes from when I was a little kid. One year I wore on of those mask and smock things that was supposed to be Bo Duke from 'The Dukes of Hazzard'. While at a neighbor's house collecting my loot, the guy wrongly mis-identified me as Hutch of 'Starsky and Hutch'. I corrected him and he called me 'Hutch' again. At that point I kicked him in the shin with all of the might my 8-year-old frame could muster and ran off without even grabbing any candy.
posted by ttrendel at 7:43 AM on October 31, 2001


Err, I hate to be the party pooper, but what's the purpose of this thread? I must be missing something.

If not, Metatalk should hereby be christened MetaDiscuss.
posted by fooljay at 7:46 AM on October 31, 2001


but what's the purpose of this thread?

If you could be a professional criminal, what would you be?
posted by iceberg273 at 7:50 AM on October 31, 2001


Easy, clavdivs: Crooked cop.
posted by MiguelCardoso at 7:53 AM on October 31, 2001


Psst, Fooljay, it's halloween! Matt even responded to the thread, I think that means he approves.

Anyway, one of the most tasteless, yet frightening, costumes I can think of right now would be a Big Envelope.
posted by Doug at 7:58 AM on October 31, 2001


For MetaTalk purposes, we can add "Given that those still with employment are likely to lose it soon due to time spent on Metafilter, if you could be a...."
posted by liam at 8:00 AM on October 31, 2001


Safecracker.
posted by anapestic at 8:02 AM on October 31, 2001


Chairman of Microsoft.
posted by mattpfeff at 8:12 AM on October 31, 2001


A vigilante rescuer of damsels in distress, like the leather-clad, motorcycle-riding, woman Australian attorney Asta Cadell in "Shame" (1987).
posted by Carol Anne at 8:14 AM on October 31, 2001


Miguel Cardossier: (clips cigar in lisbon cafe) "The amontillado is where? "
posted by clavdivs at 8:26 AM on October 31, 2001


Crooked cop? Piker. How about a crooked Pope?!

Really, the only good criminal life is kingpin, where you just relax and get fat off of other's toil.
That's the life for me! Beautiful women, lots of expensive food, and constant attacks on my life!
posted by sonofsamiam at 8:37 AM on October 31, 2001


Me, I'd me a plagiarizer.
posted by Marquis at 8:38 AM on October 31, 2001


For the love of God, Montressor.
posted by anapestic at 8:39 AM on October 31, 2001


A long-con artiste like Newman in The Sting.

btw, Matt: did the Duke boys ever actually rustle cattle? I thought they just blew stuff up with them cool dynamite arrows...
posted by BT at 8:41 AM on October 31, 2001


If you could be a professional criminal, what would you be?

Why, a professional criminal, of course. Is this a trick question?
posted by kindall at 8:43 AM on October 31, 2001


A gentleman thief, seducing upper class debutantes out of their pearls and into my bed.
Women would want me, men would want to be me.
posted by Markb at 8:43 AM on October 31, 2001


Evil Overlord

Definately!
posted by Wulfgar! at 8:46 AM on October 31, 2001


A j-walker.

Out of control... in the streets.... constant danger...... A total pedestrian ordinance rebel.
posted by y6y6y6 at 9:27 AM on October 31, 2001


A-lister. Then I could guiltlessly shun you all.
posted by Skot at 10:03 AM on October 31, 2001


For the love of God, Montressor.

You know, I have a theory that "The Cask of Amontillado" is the source of the word "plastered" as slang for drunk.
posted by lbergstr at 10:11 AM on October 31, 2001


cat burgler.

(also, uncle fes, I read that bank robbery has the highest incidence of death -- mostl for the criminal.)
posted by rebeccablood at 10:18 AM on October 31, 2001


If you could be a professional criminal, what would you be?

I would bat lead off for the Indians, and would have the requisite speed to steal bases.


(See, I would be a professional baseball player who steals..... oh, never mind....)
posted by Avogadro at 10:21 AM on October 31, 2001


A Club Kid. Stealing your $ with my positive vibes & smooth dancing!
posted by thekorruptor at 10:22 AM on October 31, 2001


rogue heating engineer
posted by rorycberger at 10:27 AM on October 31, 2001


I'd go for Supervillain, a la Dr Doom or the Red Skull.

Oh, or maybe the Cookie Crook. That would be badass. All the Cookie Crisp I could ever want!

Wait! No! Cavity Creep! I'd be a Cavity Creep! Striking fear into the hearts of those damn Crest kids and their goddam dog and that blasted siren that goes "Cre-est! Cre-est!"

Or maybe I'd be a crafty shellfish poacher, lurking in tide pools, waiting for that magical moment when I could illegally harvest my fill of off-season mussels, living on the ragged edge of The Red Tide, scoffing at the law and living free, baby!
posted by Kafkaesque at 10:35 AM on October 31, 2001


Counterfeit and forgery have always piqued my interest.
posted by Dean_Paxton at 10:35 AM on October 31, 2001


Hasn't anyone around here seen Hackers?

There's nothing cooler than stealing millions of dollars from beneath your boss' nose, and capsizing a few oil tankers while you're at it.

If not that, I want to be Catherine Zeta Jones' character in Entrapment. I steal your Picasso and replace it with Elvis on velvet. How deliciously cruel.
posted by precocious at 10:42 AM on October 31, 2001


Hackers was ruined by a young Angelina Jolie, before the lip-job. I kept thinking of her father and how incompetent I was at hacking even my own user profile here at MeFi, never mind anything more daring.
Also that film(? Halloween blank!) with funnily named Irishman Piers Brosnan and Renée Russo, a remake of - and improvement on - a Steve McQueen/Faye Dunaway movie, where the painting is stolen even more cooly. Something to do with Louis Vuitton luggage.

P.S. I would like to be a crooked cop - this is definitely not a reference to the MeFi police, btw - because that way I could help all you professional criminals and assure clavdivs's place as best first-poster(in the Asked-in-MeTa-Beforehand-Category) of our generation.
posted by MiguelCardoso at 11:34 AM on October 31, 2001


"the (something) affair"

the thomas crown affair?
posted by rebeccablood at 11:51 AM on October 31, 2001


just need the wet-works eh Uther;) the detective and spy are acceptable choices.(takes gaseous-form potion)
posted by clavdivs at 11:55 AM on October 31, 2001


also, uncle fes, I read that bank robbery has the highest incidence of death -- mostl for the criminal.

That's part of the horrible allure of it, rebecca. You bet your life...

takes gaseous-form potion

Clav, your nerd is showing. Shit never works anyway - always some asshole with a Gust of Wind handy.
posted by UncleFes at 11:57 AM on October 31, 2001


Yep, the Thomas Crown Affair. Wow, do you have a memory! That must be the most difficult film title to remember, ever.
*shamefully confesses he thought it was Bullitt but didn't dare say*
posted by MiguelCardoso at 11:59 AM on October 31, 2001


Best crime movie ever: Heat, with De Niro and Pacino. It's what made me want to become a bank robber.
posted by UncleFes at 12:06 PM on October 31, 2001


Michael Mann, a genius.
posted by MiguelCardoso at 12:08 PM on October 31, 2001


Drug dealer. Some Columbian God type that controls the market, the government puppets, and watch as I slowly take over the World! An "Escobado" type with those stinking Americans after MY MONEY!

Otherwise, a professional hit man ala The Professional. No way some people deserve to live, so contract me out to clean up the streets.
posted by brent at 12:17 PM on October 31, 2001


There's only one choice, The Riddler!


posted by ljromanoff at 12:30 PM on October 31, 2001


I would like to be the pimp for a legion of male escorts.
posted by arielmeadow at 12:32 PM on October 31, 2001


I'd rather be a smooth criminal, like Michael Jackson, but with a real head.
posted by shinybeast at 12:33 PM on October 31, 2001


A pirate.
posted by holloway at 12:42 PM on October 31, 2001


ARRRR!!
posted by holloway at 12:42 PM on October 31, 2001


I'd be one of the Hatted Banditos! Cower in fear! Cower before our conservative white shirts and our tasteful hats. Ha ha! You will surely know that your civilization is doomed when we silently, without sound, steal minor unimportant objects from the room! How will you live when we steal the second hand from your clockface?! How will you know where to go in a hotel when we steal all the 1s from the stairwell? then, you will never know what room comes between 225 and 227 when we steal the 6? Ha-ha! there is no hope for your civilization now! Haha!

By the way, I'm stealing this Ha ha!
posted by fuq at 1:03 PM on October 31, 2001


I. Am. Trinity.
posted by po at 1:09 PM on October 31, 2001


It took me some thinking, but I've decided: I'd be an organ grinder with a monkey that was trained to pick people's pockets.
posted by moss at 1:21 PM on October 31, 2001


a burgular who accepts checks. then i could retire with free room and board and a boyfriend named bruno.
posted by danOstuporStar at 1:28 PM on October 31, 2001


Wait. I changed my mind. I wanna be the Hamburgler, whom there are disappointingly few pictures of.

Rubble rubble!
posted by sonofsamiam at 1:53 PM on October 31, 2001


Ye olde timey Wrecker, who stands on the clifftop with a lantern and guides poor trusting ships onto ye olde pointy rocks.
Then I bat any survivors over the head with an oar and away I go with the loot!
The nice bits about this profession are: sleep all day, very little capital outlay (lantern, sacks, horse and cart), and you never know what you are going to get.
But I will retire at thirty because it is always more stylish to be a semi-retired master criminal like Modesty Blaise.
posted by Catch at 2:51 PM on October 31, 2001


sonofsamiam, you might have more luck searching for 'hamburglar' instead.
posted by darukaru at 3:47 PM on October 31, 2001


I'd be a burglar or an ecoterrorist, depending on which way the struggle between greed and idealism resolved itself. No guns, no killing people. I need a field where I can consider a plan for weeks or months, map it out carefully, and execute it quickly with minimum fuss.

I'd love to be Thomas Crown, except I wouldn't have the patience to become shockingly rich first.

If trends in copyright law and computer paranoia continue as they have for the last few years, I may become an outlaw hacker by default, simply because everything interesting enough to be worth doing has been banned...

-Mars
posted by Mars Saxman at 4:23 PM on October 31, 2001


i'd have to opt for the gentleman assasin, like Joubert in Three Days of the Condor.
posted by th3ph17 at 5:17 PM on October 31, 2001


licentious, I'll be forming a sort of moist-works as we speak.... hey, a fellow has to earn a living?
posted by Dean_Paxton at 9:17 PM on October 31, 2001


Definitely: La Femme Jess, assassin for hire. Yeah, baby.
posted by jess at 9:52 AM on November 1, 2001


Obviously, Catwoman.
posted by kittyloop at 9:16 PM on November 1, 2001


"get me pre-moistening"
posted by clavdivs at 7:12 AM on November 2, 2001


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