Bucket wash this June 26, 2007 7:15 AM   Subscribe


Why limit it to two buckets? Why not ask how to do it with a bottle of pepsi and a q-tip, with one hand tied behind your back surrounded by a vicious swarm of bees? I flagged it, but these invented problems with degree of difficulty=11 are pointless. You say you don't want to pay for a car wash? How's this for an answer: PAY FOR A CAR WASH, ya putz.
posted by stupidsexyFlanders at 7:15 AM on June 26, 2007 [1 favorite]


Seriously. Is June AskMe of the Flies month?
posted by dame at 7:26 AM on June 26, 2007


It's not dirt, it's patina.
posted by hangashore at 7:30 AM on June 26, 2007 [1 favorite]


I guess the mods are sunning themselves on the beach? It is summer, after all, but must we feel it so strongly?
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:31 AM on June 26, 2007 [1 favorite]


Ok. I've choked on the cocks. Now what to do with this bucket?
posted by kosem at 7:37 AM on June 26, 2007


I think you're overreacting to this'n, ssF. Silly askmes might be a bit of a problemish trend, but this is a reasonable question.
posted by cortex (staff) at 7:38 AM on June 26, 2007


... how to do it with a bottle of pepsi and a q-tip, with one hand tied behind your back surrounded by a vicious swarm of bees?

Drink 3/4 of the Pepsi, pour last 1/4 at a safe distance from car to distract the bees. Clamber atop car and stick q-tip in urethra. Wait. Remove q-tip and pee liberally on car.

(This solution works for dry radiators and hornets, too.)
posted by cog_nate at 7:42 AM on June 26, 2007 [5 favorites]


On the one hand, questions like this (that ask "How do I do X without resorting to Y?") are not intrinsicly against the AskMe guidelines - they have a defined problem to solve.

On the other hand, they are often way too specific, and rule out any potential answers ("How do I travel from point A to point B without using cars, buses, trains, boats or aircraft or doing anything that involves physical exertion?") and so are unlikely to get a satisfactory solution.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 7:43 AM on June 26, 2007


I don't understand.. Sure, common sense might have alleviated the need to ask such a question, but we don't all have that.. Which is kind of the point of AskMe in the first place, right? Anyway, paulsc came up with a very useful suggestion (damn you paulsc!@!!), seems like it is going well to me.

PAY FOR A CAR WASH, ya putz.

How about "GET RID OF YOUR CAR, self important twat". I mean, that's how I really feel, most times a car question comes up.
posted by Chuckles at 7:44 AM on June 26, 2007


Seriously, since yesterday afternoon I've been unable to get to Wikipedia. What's up?
posted by davy at 7:45 AM on June 26, 2007


I don't get the problem -- the asker has no hose hook-up, doesn't like the jet car washes, and wants to know if anyone has tips on washing a car with just buckets. Presumably he's looking for advice on good types of sponges to use, soaps that rinse easily off, tips on not doing it in the sun, whether or not to use wax, etc.

ssF, you are the one who placed undue emphasis on "two buckets" -- the OP actually said, "using say, a bucket of soapy water and a bucket of clean water".. hardly a strict limitation.
posted by modernnomad at 7:45 AM on June 26, 2007 [1 favorite]


True, EndsOfInvention, but that's okay: not every question will get a satisfactory solution. I've asked a couple of damned specific, non-fantastic "tell me that the impossible is actually possible after all" questions before, knowing on the way in that I probably wouldn't get a decent answer.

If somebody asks a really specific question and then gets huffy about not getting a good answer out of it, that'll be its own thing. But just asking a specific/constrained question isn't worth shouting about.
posted by cortex (staff) at 7:45 AM on June 26, 2007


I've got the conch! Sucks to your as-mar!
posted by CRM114 at 7:56 AM on June 26, 2007 [2 favorites]


Hi, I'm back from the beach, what did I miss?
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 7:56 AM on June 26, 2007


Would you like to borrow my buckets?
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 8:00 AM on June 26, 2007 [2 favorites]


Perhaps you live in a land of cheap carwashes. Me, I long ago learned how to wash the car with a couple'a buckets and some sponges.

As needed, carry one bucket in each hand into the house, refill them, and then return. Why only two? Because we have two hands. That's why this isn't that weird.
posted by desuetude at 8:02 AM on June 26, 2007 [1 favorite]


This is the point where I decline to contribute a "bucket" related limerick.
posted by Wolfdog at 8:17 AM on June 26, 2007


modernnomad writes 'I don't get the problem -- the asker has no hose hook-up, doesn't like the jet car washes, and wants to know if anyone has tips on washing a car with just buckets. Presumably he's looking for advice on good types of sponges to use, soaps that rinse easily off, tips on not doing it in the sun, whether or not to use wax, etc.'

I'm sure that's it, but the way it's phrased does make the poster sound spectacularly dim, as if he's stood there with a bucket of soapy water, a bucket of non-soapy water and a dirty car, trying desperately to grasp the concepts of 'washing' and 'rinsing'.

I can almost see him looking from buckets to car, car to buckets for hours on end, before a silent tear falls from his eye, a sign that he has realised that AskMe is his only hope, just like that time he spent three days straight trying to tie his shoelaces.
posted by jack_mo at 8:28 AM on June 26, 2007 [5 favorites]


There once was a man from Phuket
who wanted to wash his car with a bucket
but a sexy flan man fealt mean
and dragged it into the green
where everyone one just said _______
posted by caddis at 8:35 AM on June 26, 2007


Alas, Phuket does not rhyme with "bucket".. how about "Nantucket"?
posted by modernnomad at 8:43 AM on June 26, 2007


AskMetafilter has reached that place where more than 5% of the threads piss me off, for one reason or another. When Mefi reached that point, I took a Mefi Vacation until I could read it disaffectedly. Maybe I needs me an AskMe vacation.
posted by muddgirl at 8:44 AM on June 26, 2007


This seems like a perfectly valid question to me.
posted by empath at 8:51 AM on June 26, 2007


Can we just pretend I wrote a really clever filk of "Carwash," with references to various Mefites and the recent uptick in vertigo-related STDs? I'm kinda tired, and have some actual work to do at work this morning. But I was lovin' on ya'll, I swear.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 9:03 AM on June 26, 2007


It does, however, rhyme with boo-ket.

A fake Transylvanian accent helps many a limmerick.
posted by klangklangston at 9:04 AM on June 26, 2007 [1 favorite]


Even the most sheltered, illiterate Transylvanian would take one look at that... thing... and say, "Sajnálom. Ezer bocsnánat. But it just doesn't scan."
posted by Wolfdog at 9:15 AM on June 26, 2007 [1 favorite]


I believe you guys know where the plate of beans is kept?
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 9:17 AM on June 26, 2007


Tokyo.
posted by dame at 9:21 AM on June 26, 2007


These days, the MeFites go all out
And anything's game for a callout
And apparently 'Phuket'
Does not rhyme with bucket
And we'll all hang around for the fallout
posted by ORthey at 9:21 AM on June 26, 2007 [2 favorites]


Even the most sheltered, illiterate Transylvanian would take one look at that... thing... and say, "Sajnálom. Ezer bocsnánat. But it just doesn't scan."

Unless they were Romanian in which case they'd say something like bagă-ţi-o undeva. Speaking as a former Transylvania dweller, that is.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 9:21 AM on June 26, 2007


Pfft. Romanians.
posted by Wolfdog at 9:28 AM on June 26, 2007


I think the bucket guy needs to trade skills with this guy.
posted by desjardins at 9:42 AM on June 26, 2007


Dear AskMe,
How do I gently soap down the exterior of my car without thinking about my mom?
posted by Greg Nog at 9:46 AM on June 26, 2007 [1 favorite]


Here's my method:

Bucket Wash Mah Car in 74 easy steps:

1. Get thee born.
2. Grow big and strong and fecund.
3. Ride a bike.
4. Ride it a lot.
5. Make a living riding your bike, you ride it so much (I'm going somewhere with this).
6. Meet beautiful, intelligent woman at big bike race.
7. Bed beautiful intelligent woman—probably should go home to do this.
8. Break up with woman over insecurities and incompatibility (she is a nut, not you).
9. Go to big bike race again (it's an annual thing).
10. Meet even more intelligent, more beautiful woman at this year's bike race.
11. Realize that you should probably marry her before she figures things out.
12. Marry her.
13. Have 4 kids.
14-70. Wake up, change diapers, wash kids, feed kids, tell kids that it really hurts when they jump on daddy knees-first, kiss boo-boos. Repeat as necessary.
71. Say, "Hey kids, you know what is really fun on a hot day like this?"
72. Say, "Hey kids, how would you like to make $2?"
73. Say, "Hey kids, how would you like to earn $5 and an ice cream cone?"
74. Relax as the kids do all the work.
posted by Mister_A at 9:46 AM on June 26, 2007 [7 favorites]


Nooooooooo
posted by iconomy at 10:02 AM on June 26, 2007


There's a hole in my bucket,
dear AskMe,
dear AskMe.
There's a hole in my bucket,
dear AskMe,
a hole.
posted by inigo2 at 10:13 AM on June 26, 2007


At the basic level I don't see what's wrong with the question, but on a more rugged level all question like this, and about 2/3rds of relationship questions make me want to throw up... my hands... at the basic level of seeming incompetence that exists out there. Want to wash your car with a bucket? Fine... GO DO IT! You find out if you can or not, get to exercise problem solving skills etc. Cheat codes, I blame it all on cheat codes. (and Regan)
posted by edgeways at 10:17 AM on June 26, 2007 [1 favorite]


I'm sure that's it, but the way it's phrased does make the poster sound spectacularly dim, as if he's stood there with a bucket of soapy water, a bucket of non-soapy water and a dirty car, trying desperately to grasp the concepts of 'washing' and 'rinsing'.

Well, I've been this man, and I'm not ashamed to admit it.

You see, car-washing is an activity that happens outside, in full view of your neighbours, passers-by, and general busybodies, all of whom you just know have been raised on washing-cars-without-hoses since childhood, have it in their blood. Of course, the basic principle is "soap then rinse", but I know they will be watching me, judging me, laughing at me behind closed doors, telling their friends down their pub about me, once they've seen me using too much soap, too little soap, the wrong kind of soap, not drying it properly, leaving weird water marks all over it, working from bottom to top: making all the rookie mistakes. The threat of embarrassment of appearing a novice at something that everyone my age should obviously know how to do is tangible.

That is why this question is valid, and important.
posted by chrismear at 10:19 AM on June 26, 2007 [2 favorites]


Hey Jess,
When you were in Transylvania did you see a Dracula? Was it one of those suave bolo oily type bohunks or more of a scuzzy unkempt skid row sterno drinking crypt thing?

TIA.
posted by Divine_Wino at 10:20 AM on June 26, 2007 [1 favorite]


At the basic level I don't see what's wrong with the question, but on a more rugged level all question like this, and about 2/3rds of relationship questions make me want to throw up... my hands... at the basic level of seeming incompetence that exists out there. Want to wash your car with a bucket? Fine... GO DO IT! You find out if you can or not, get to exercise problem solving skills etc. Cheat codes, I blame it all on cheat codes. (and Regan)

Oh boy edgeways, I just wrote that same comment more or less and deleted it, thanks for saving from the aether. Double word on the relationship questions (although I hope people keep asking them if it helps them.)

PS The way you wash a car without a hose is to wait till if rains, a-motherfucking-doy-hickey.
posted by Divine_Wino at 10:24 AM on June 26, 2007


it rains, it rains. Sorry, I'm all tore up on Turtle Wax.
posted by Divine_Wino at 10:26 AM on June 26, 2007


...I blame it all on cheat codes. (and Regan)

Judith Regan? Or Regan, wife of the Duke of Cornwall, daughter of King Lear, and total bitch?
posted by Mister_A at 10:35 AM on June 26, 2007


("How do I travel from point A to point B without using cars, buses, trains, boats or aircraft or doing anything that involves physical exertion?")

Answer: Get shot and draped over the ass end of a horse.

I suppose you could also hire a balloon, which would probably be prettier and less painful. There's also kiteboards, kitecars, rocket-propelled rollerskates, Segways, Zorbs, gliders and...

...should I go on? I bet you I could come up with something powered by cockroaches that ambulated on millions of articulated toothpicks like some kind of living bed-of-nails that not only transported you from point A to point B but also gave an invigorating acupuncture session and left your naked skin fresh and pink with just the right amount of dermal abrasion.
posted by loquacious at 10:37 AM on June 26, 2007


Howl, howl, howl, howl! O! you are men of stones:
Had I your tongue and eyes, I'd use them so
That heaven's vaults should crack. She's gone for ever!
posted by edgeways at 10:53 AM on June 26, 2007


loquacious wrote "I bet you I could come up with something powered by cockroaches that ambulated on millions of articulated toothpicks like some kind of living bed-of-nails that not only transported you from point A to point B but also gave an invigorating acupuncture session and left your naked skin fresh and pink with just the right amount of dermal abrasion."

Marked as Best Answer.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 10:54 AM on June 26, 2007


75. GET YOU A WEBSITE
posted by mr_crash_davis at 11:03 AM on June 26, 2007


You lie down on a pile of kittens at point A, and have a friend at point B slowly drag a pre-prepared scrunch of newspaper tied to a long string towards him.
posted by Abiezer at 11:14 AM on June 26, 2007 [2 favorites]


I was thinking for a minute that the first time I saw boobs (untortured) in a movie was in Car Wash. But then I did some research and realized that it was, in fact, DC Cab. I just thought it was Car Wash because, for rather obvious reasons, I associate carwashes with boobs and now Joel Schumacher with the namby-pambiest of AskMe.

[NOT NAMBY-PAMBIEST]?
posted by kosem at 11:27 AM on June 26, 2007


EndsOfInvention : "How do I travel from point A to point B without using cars, buses, trains, boats or aircraft or doing anything that involves physical exertion?"

Loq beat me to the horse idea, but rather than being carried on the back of it, I would suggest a horse buggy, as it would be even easier to not exert yourself.

Though the phrasing says no physical exertion, so it could be defined to include exertion from the horse. So the best I can come up with is a dog-sled powered by robotic dogs.

And if even that falls into the category of exertion, you still have the choice of traveling virtually. A fully integrated tele-presence rig would give you the experience of travel from your couch. You wouldn't need to move at all.
posted by quin at 11:49 AM on June 26, 2007


Help me buy new golf clubs. I have very specific requirements. [NOT TITLEIST]
posted by boogieboy at 12:35 PM on June 26, 2007 [4 favorites]


You can travel from point A to point B with a transporter, provided you are okay with the metaphysical "death" question.
posted by misha at 12:52 PM on June 26, 2007 [1 favorite]


You can travel from point A to point B with a transporter, provided you are okay with the metaphysical "death" question.

STEP 1: FOLD U A TESSERACT IN TIME AND/OR SPACE WITH UR MIND

Step 2: THE SPICE MUST FLOW.
posted by loquacious at 1:15 PM on June 26, 2007 [1 favorite]


HI I'M ON METAFILTER AND I COULD COMPLAIN ABOUT A PLATE OF BEANS
posted by EatTheWeak at 1:18 PM on June 26, 2007


This is a question only DEVO can answer.
posted by vronsky at 1:35 PM on June 26, 2007 [1 favorite]


I'M IN UR PLACE WHERE U DARE NOT LOOK STARING BACK AT U.
posted by cog_nate at 1:38 PM on June 26, 2007 [5 favorites]


The beautiful, intelligent woman I met at the big bike race has no problem giving me a parcel carrier-ride wherever I want to go.

So, I guess meeting a beautiful, intelligent person at a big bike race is the answer to all problems.

How can I find a track listing for the David Sedaris CD box set?

The beautiful, intelligent person knows such things.

What should I do with a large quantity of unused but unneeded insulin syringes?

Give them to the beautiful, intelligent person.

Looking for some guidance in building an "advanced search" query using XML and optional multi-value parameters.

CREATE PROCEDURE handProjectOverToTheBeautifulAndIntelligentPerson
posted by soundofsuburbia at 2:01 PM on June 26, 2007


If only there were some way to move past questions that one found unnecessary... some sort of magical "scrolling bar" or something. And perhaps an integral tagging system so that one could register one's low opinion on the way past!
posted by nanojath at 2:04 PM on June 26, 2007


We could call it the beautiful, intelligent person scrolling and registering complaints mechanism.
posted by cortex (staff) at 2:20 PM on June 26, 2007


How to Wash Car with Bucket

1. Dump cocks out of bucket
1a. (optional) choke on cocks
1b. (optional) feed cocks to kittens
2. Refresh AskMe thread, to check that crucial additional steps have not recently been added*
3. Fill buckets, carry them to car
4. Just wash the fucking thing. Are you some kind of retard? What the fuck is wrong with you?
5. Return to AskMe thread, refresh, note down any new steps*
6. Refill bucket with freshly harvested cocks
7. Add any additional steps to procedure as indicated by the experts on AskMe
8. Return to step one, repeat procedure with new steps included

*using a mobile device for Internet access will facilitate these steps by avoiding the need to return indoors, to your computer.
posted by Meatbomb at 2:21 PM on June 26, 2007


I was thinking for a minute that the first time I saw boobs (untortured) in a movie was in Car Wash.

What?
posted by ODiV at 2:24 PM on June 26, 2007


You forgot a couple of important bits:

1c. (optional) stick cocks in mashed potatoes
1d. (optional) slam oven door on cocks
posted by cortex (staff) at 2:34 PM on June 26, 2007


Clamber atop car and stick q-tip in urethra. Wait. Remove q-tip and pee liberally on car...
posted by cog_nate


Wow! According to my search, the word "clamber" has only been used 24 times previously on MeFi, AskMe, and MeTa combined. On MeTa, only twice.

I didn't look up "urethra."
posted by The Deej at 2:59 PM on June 26, 2007 [1 favorite]


Oh, and if you need a bucket, your cat will be happy to loan you one.
posted by The Deej at 3:00 PM on June 26, 2007


I didn't look up yours either.
posted by mendel at 6:16 PM on June 26, 2007


You see, car-washing is an activity that happens outside, in full view of your neighbours, passers-by, and general busybodies, all of whom you just know [etc]

That's the best way to meet new people. Do something the wrong way in public view. Instant conversation starter. Side effect: you learn how to do it right. Bonus side effect: you can tell a lot about a person by the way they tell you you're a moron.
posted by ctmf at 10:10 PM on June 26, 2007


Yeah, not in this country. People don't talk to strangers.
posted by chrismear at 6:04 AM on June 27, 2007


That's the best way to meet new people. Do something the wrong way in public view. Instant conversation starter.

This is my summer mowing-the-lawn experience. I think it and stacking wood are the rural equivalent to single's bars.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 8:21 AM on June 27, 2007


My mowing the lawn routine has slowly evolved. I use a riding mower with a skinny little steering wheel that is hard on the hands, so I started by wearing my heavy gardening gloves. Then I noticed that it was really hot, so I added a hat. And the thing is, when the cutting blades are engaged, it's extremely loud, so I added the ear muffs I use for shooting. Of course now I had nothing to listen to, so under those muffs I have my iPod headphones. And because I'm not really good at the whole 'yardwork' thing, weeds build up, and when I go over them with the mower it kicks up a huge amount of dust, so I started using a small pair of motorcycle goggles that I had.

All of these are common sense things, each of them serves a purpose to making my mowing-the-lawn tasks less arduous.

But when in full regalia, if I catch sight of myself, I realize that 1.) I have become that weird man down the street, and 2.) I'm glad I'm already married, because if mowing is the new single bar, I'm also that weird guy down the bar. You know, the one that everyone avoids...

I've considered wrapping a bandanna around my nose and mouth for the really dusty parts, but that would probably push me from 'weird' to 'scary'.
posted by quin at 9:17 AM on June 27, 2007 [10 favorites]


Hey, soundofsuburbia! I just met your old lady selling clean works at the local dope spot.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 11:46 AM on June 27, 2007


Would you like to borrow my buckets?

I am now wholly convinced that you really, really enjoyed that Devolution thread the other day, Jessamyn.
posted by davejay at 4:41 PM on June 27, 2007


you really, really enjoyed that Devolution thread the other day, Jessamyn.

I enjoyed it so much I have no recollection of it whatsoever.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 4:51 PM on June 27, 2007


« Older MetaMetaMeta   |   Yeah, yeah, why do I care? Newer »

You are not logged in, either login or create an account to post comments