The poached becomes the poacher! August 30, 2007 7:03 PM   Subscribe

No leaky fishtank mystery, but similar. Following up on this AskMe of mine. I have egg on my face.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur to MetaFilter-Related at 7:03 PM (49 comments total) 1 user marked this as a favorite

I'm guilty of suspect profiling.

I assumed it was my landlord, probably just because he's an ex-rasta Azeri emigre, a scotch drinking, cigar smoking ladies' man. What a rose poacher he must be, thought I, with my knapsack of privilege and my narrow mind. Also he did cut my foxgloves before, but they weren't in a box.

I never did bring the theft up to him, justification in my outrage as provided by AskMe all the adjudication I required. I'm a chicken. He has my deposit.

Then, this morning, all the new foliage which had grown from those stems was lopped off. Not neatly... munchily. And Farid's out of town... revealing the true culprit... DEER!

Who knew deer ate roses? How cute is that? I can't even be mad at them, it's too graceful a mental image, deer nibbling rose blossoms under my bedroom window at dawn.

Jessica Fletcher would be so ashamed of me.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 7:03 PM on August 30, 2007 [1 favorite]


Yeah, deer eat half of our roses every few weeks. Bastards.
posted by mathowie (staff) at 7:08 PM on August 30, 2007


You could kill and eat the deer.
posted by Burhanistan at 7:10 PM on August 30, 2007 [3 favorites]


You could kill and eat the landlord, too.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 7:14 PM on August 30, 2007 [5 favorites]


"You could kill and eat the landlord, too."

You could, but try finding a guide to butchering landlords.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 7:20 PM on August 30, 2007


Deer ate all the tulips at my old house. Damned long-legged rats! With long ears! And big eyes! And... awwwwwwww lookeee the deeeerrr!!!!! Cm'ere... wanna tulip? I mean, bastard!!!!!!
posted by The Deej at 7:21 PM on August 30, 2007 [1 favorite]


Conversely, you could spray the landlord with deer urine and let the deer attack the landlord.
posted by Burhanistan at 7:22 PM on August 30, 2007 [1 favorite]


C-I-L-L my landlord. damn viacom pulled the Eddie Murphy version</small?
posted by Burhanistan at 7:25 PM on August 30, 2007


Deer are to the suburbs what rats are to the city. Bambi is a myth.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 7:27 PM on August 30, 2007


Now we all know why deer is so tasty.
posted by loquacious at 7:27 PM on August 30, 2007


No, Bambi is a cartoon.
posted by Burhanistan at 7:27 PM on August 30, 2007


Who poaches the poacher? That's a funny update, make sure to put it in the thread as well.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 7:27 PM on August 30, 2007


Post an update to the still-open Askme thread.
posted by Steven C. Den Beste at 7:37 PM on August 30, 2007 [1 favorite]


LOLdeer!
posted by trip and a half at 7:39 PM on August 30, 2007


OH HAI

IM IN UR DUPLEX, EATIN UR ROSES
posted by fandango_matt at 7:44 PM on August 30, 2007


No. Bambi works at Hooters.

s/at/behind/
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 7:46 PM on August 30, 2007


Watchdog barkin'
Do he bite?
posted by tristeza at 7:54 PM on August 30, 2007


Probably one of those immigrant deer.
posted by YoBananaBoy at 8:17 PM on August 30, 2007 [1 favorite]


Local law might have led him to cut the foxglove, on the grounds it could poison a child.
posted by jamjam at 8:18 PM on August 30, 2007


You know, I was just thinking that if they can make a delicacy out of berries that a civet has eaten and pooped there's got to be a market for Bambi rose turdlets.
posted by Rhomboid at 8:24 PM on August 30, 2007


holy crap I thought it was closed. my bad.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 8:30 PM on August 30, 2007


It was closed, but the deer reopened it.
posted by brain_drain at 8:55 PM on August 30, 2007 [1 favorite]


Ha, that's funny! I enjoyed reading your update. I think deer are very cute, but then they don't come into my yard and eat my flowers.

I have a very sweet, animal-loving friend who goes all crazy-eyed whenever the subject of deer comes up. They have systematically chewed up most of the flowers and trees in her yard. It's funny to watch her transform from a pacifist animal lover to a rabid venison fan.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 8:56 PM on August 30, 2007


Probably one of those immigrant deer.

¿La Bambí?

*Dodges shoes and tomatoes*
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 8:56 PM on August 30, 2007


Images
by Tyrone Green

Dark and lonely on a summer's night.
Kill my landlord. Kill my landlord.
Watchdog barking. Do he bite?
Kill my landlord. Kill my landlord.
Slip in his window. Break his neck.
Then his house I start to wreck.
Got no reason. What the heck?
Kill my landlord. Kill my landlord.
C-I-L my land lord!
posted by frecklefaerie at 9:04 PM on August 30, 2007 [1 favorite]


Aha! Here we go.
posted by Burhanistan at 9:12 PM on August 30, 2007


Buck up. It could have been worse. Doe you know what happens if you disturb a deer by fawning over it while it eats your roses? Why, you'd have to hoof it out of there right quick
/wendell impression
posted by disclaimer at 9:15 PM on August 30, 2007 [1 favorite]


And of all the good things on youtube, The Coup's "Kill My Landlord" is apparently not one of them.
posted by Tuwa at 9:25 PM on August 30, 2007


metafilter: deer nibbling rose blossoms under my bedroom window at dawn.
posted by vronsky at 9:32 PM on August 30, 2007 [2 favorites]


And of all the good things on youtube, The Coup's "Kill My Landlord" is apparently not one of them.

Maybe not, but Let's Lynch the Landlord is.
posted by Ufez Jones at 9:50 PM on August 30, 2007


Thanks for posting that video, Burhanistan. I adore how the guy's wife, who filmed the attack, not only keeps the camera remarkably steady throughout, but artfully zooms in during the more violent moments. Her camerawork says so much about their marriage...

And deer nibbling rose blossoms under my bedroom window at dawn is one of the loveliest sentences I've ever read in a comment here.
posted by maryh at 10:28 PM on August 30, 2007


maryh: I think I saw something somewhere where that guy set up the attack by spraying himself with buck urine and then hanging around a feeder. His wife was probably just following directions.
posted by Burhanistan at 10:30 PM on August 30, 2007


c-i-l-l

my landlord.
posted by Hat Maui at 12:45 AM on August 31, 2007


Anyone notice how when deer watch you, it's very... quantized? It's as if they have mechanical heads that only rotate at 15-degree intervals. That always freaks me out.
posted by spiderskull at 2:30 AM on August 31, 2007 [1 favorite]


You mean there are people in the world who would spray themselves with buck urine in order to appear on YouTube? Jaysus, after all these years I'm still naiive.
posted by h00py at 6:51 AM on August 31, 2007


Now if he'd sprayed himself with buck urine just because he was a sick fuck, I would be all nonchalant and hey ho because of all these years on the internet. Crazy ol' world, ain't it?
posted by h00py at 6:53 AM on August 31, 2007


But they were just browsing! :D
posted by cowbellemoo at 7:59 AM on August 31, 2007


When I was walking back from the pizza place with my girlfriend, we were passing several rose bushes when a man in a wheelchair was being pushed by a nurse coming the other way.

He was an obviously retarded man of about 40, and as he passed each white rose, he'd snap his hand out to pluck the flower and jam it in his mouth, while his nurse ignored him, petals falling from his smacking maw.

It might not have been deer.
posted by klangklangston at 8:12 AM on August 31, 2007


And it might not have been buck urine.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 8:18 AM on August 31, 2007


metafilter: an obviously retarded man of about 40 nibbling rose blossoms under my bedroom window at dawn.
posted by vronsky at 11:18 AM on August 31, 2007 [2 favorites]


Nothing less than buck fifty urine will do.
posted by tommasz at 11:20 AM on August 31, 2007


I hate deer with a white hot passion. I've had five, (count 'em f-i-v-e) cars hit by deer.

Hit. By. Deer. As in; they hit me. As in; I've never crashed into a deer, no. Instead, they run into the side of my car.

Once, while I was stopped at an intersection.

Were I ever to take up hunting, it would not be for sport, it would be for fucking revenge.

*deep breath*

But yeah, it's sweet that they are in your yard eating your flowers.
posted by quin at 12:46 PM on August 31, 2007 [2 favorites]


quin, it's obvious that the deer adore you.

You are the reincarnated embodification of the God of Deer, and they sacrifice themselves to you in loving homage.
posted by misha at 1:45 PM on August 31, 2007 [1 favorite]


My wife has posed that exact same argument misha. Kind of like the Rain God from Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

It's a drag being a deity.
posted by quin at 2:31 PM on August 31, 2007


So. Hit by five deer eh. Hmmmm. And yet you live.

*recalibrates artificial intelligence targeting program on killer mechanical deer*
posted by The Deej at 3:06 PM on August 31, 2007




I think if you didn't have your car painted in Realtree camo, you might not have this problem.


posted by Kirth Gerson at 3:26 PM on August 31, 2007


I think Kirth is drunk... and I like it!
posted by vronsky at 7:58 PM on August 31, 2007


This exact thing was almost a cause of terrible strife in my family. My sister was having a rocky time as a teenager. She snuck out with a forbidden (asshole) boyfriend and when she came home my parents told her she was grounded. Angry fight ensued between dad and sister.

The next morning, my mom woke up to find that her day lilies in the front yard had been all been cut down. Now, my mom is the sweetest, most reasonable, unassuming person there is, and she had just put these day lilies in a few weeks previous and was very excited about them, in a lovely, wonderful, good-person-enjoying-simple-things way.

My dad was furious with my sister. I mean apoplectic. My mom was just quiet and sort of betrayed-looking, but trying to cool my dad off. My sister denied doing it, ran to room, slammed door, crying. It was a grim, grim day. My mom eventually prevailed on my dad to ratchet the anger down, since it wasn't going to help anything. A tense ceasefire ensued over a couple of weeks, with my parents and me still basically dumbstruck by the callous, base cruelty that my sister had exhibited in cutting the day lilies. I think my dad basically thought, I don't know how I can have raised someone who would do that to someone like [my mom]; a really serious jolting alienation, as if he would never understand my sister again.

A couple weeks later the neighbors told us that "the deer were back again last night and got all our lilies too". I still can't describe the relief and amazement and guilt of finding that out.
posted by LobsterMitten at 8:52 PM on August 31, 2007 [2 favorites]


Bambi works at Hooters.

A gentle reminder: Bambi was a stag.
posted by SPrintF at 8:39 PM on September 1, 2007


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