Well, now we know what Matt's doing with his time. December 7, 2015 11:44 AM   Subscribe

via: Boing Boing [dildo warning]
posted by HuronBob to MetaFilter-Related at 11:44 AM (143 comments total) 3 users marked this as a favorite

There's a post on the blue about Matt's dildo blog too but I'm tickled enough by the whole thing that I'm just gonna go ahead and let this be here too.
posted by cortex (staff) at 11:45 AM on December 7, 2015 [8 favorites]


Maybe this could use a NSFW label?
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 11:45 AM on December 7, 2015


I added a dildo warning.
posted by cortex (staff) at 11:50 AM on December 7, 2015 [32 favorites]


Yay! Thanks. I don't think that my work really cares whether I look at pictures of dildos, but I would rather be safe than sorry on the dildo-picture front.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 11:51 AM on December 7, 2015


heh... I searched for "dildo" before I posted this.... (at work, wonder if that will come back to bite me...)
posted by HuronBob at 11:52 AM on December 7, 2015


There's a post on the blue about Matt's dildo blog too but I'm tickled enough by the whole thing

So that's how it is.
posted by nubs at 11:55 AM on December 7, 2015 [22 favorites]


There's a post on the blue about Matt's dildo blog too but I'm tickled enough by the whole thing

So that's how it is.


We need a button that says "favorited because you made the joke that I didn't want to make but was physically required to make until you made it" for situations like this. Until then, thank you nubs.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 12:03 PM on December 7, 2015 [5 favorites]


heh... I searched for "dildo" before I posted this.... (at work, wonder if that will come back to bite me...)

Keep this in your back pocket, just in case:

"Honest - I was researching a trip to Dildo, Newfoundland."
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 12:10 PM on December 7, 2015 [5 favorites]


"Honest - I was researching a trip to Dildo, Newfoundland."

I have been there! Look at this map of the harbor they've got posted. I mean, come on.
posted by something something at 12:14 PM on December 7, 2015 [5 favorites]


I'm not very picky when it comes to images so maybe others feel differently, but I really appreciate the skill Matt has put in to each photo, particularly the way that each dildo is being gripped reads as being very lifelike and accurate and I'm going to stop typing now because I am at work.
posted by kate blank at 12:25 PM on December 7, 2015 [4 favorites]


Just gonna take this one sentence out of context, because:

but I'm tickled enough by the whole thing
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:26 PM on December 7, 2015


God, who would put that garbage on the front page?
posted by maxsparber at 12:28 PM on December 7, 2015 [1 favorite]


Yeah, I haven't seen a post that bad since Astro Zombie left.
posted by grouse at 12:37 PM on December 7, 2015 [14 favorites]


We need a button that says "favorited because you made the joke that I didn't want to make but was physically required to make until you made it" for situations like this. Until then, thank you nubs.

My willpower is weak, especially when the setup gets left hanging like that. Like, really hanging out there, just dangling, waiting for someone to have a go.
posted by nubs at 12:41 PM on December 7, 2015 [4 favorites]


Would you prefer the Can Con version?
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 12:41 PM on December 7, 2015 [1 favorite]


Like, really hanging out there, just dangling, waiting for someone to have a go.

Now I'm sad all over again that I was out of town for The Great Portland Dildoing.
posted by cortex (staff) at 12:43 PM on December 7, 2015 [4 favorites]


MetaFilter: I added a dildo warning.

(It doesn't make much sense, but I think somebody collect those "MetaFilter: XXX" comments and I want that one to be in the database.)
posted by benito.strauss at 12:48 PM on December 7, 2015 [5 favorites]


Every double dildo deserves a double dildo post.
posted by y2karl at 12:51 PM on December 7, 2015 [1 favorite]


I'm more concerned with my company knowing I am looking at pictures of republican presidential candidates than dildos.
posted by terrapin at 12:52 PM on December 7, 2015 [1 favorite]


One of them is a huge artificial prick that's unnaturally possessive about women's reproductive systems. The other is a dildo.
posted by This is Why We Can't Have Nice Things at 1:01 PM on December 7, 2015 [25 favorites]


Man, I thought I'd nailed the dildo post of the year contest.
posted by Helga-woo at 1:18 PM on December 7, 2015 [1 favorite]


better than a warning dildo, I guess.
posted by boo_radley at 1:29 PM on December 7, 2015 [1 favorite]


#cocksnotglocks
posted by Brittanie at 1:31 PM on December 7, 2015 [8 favorites]


#autoeroticnotsemiauto

#isuckathashtags
posted by nubs at 1:36 PM on December 7, 2015 [1 favorite]


boo_radley: "better than a warning dildo, I guess."

"The next one's gonna go right between your eyes, McBain!"
posted by boo_radley at 1:40 PM on December 7, 2015 [1 favorite]


I have no idea how these people got their dildos wedged into their hands, or why.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 1:50 PM on December 7, 2015


Wait, those models have 30 battery packs per unit.
posted by clavdivs at 3:41 PM on December 7, 2015


I searched for "dildo" before I posted this.... (at work, wonder if that will come back to bite me...)

biting's unlikely, but it may get jammed up your ass.
posted by quonsar II: smock fishpants and the temple of foon at 4:40 PM on December 7, 2015


I said it there and I will say it here-this is childish and stupid and Matt is way better than this. It's not funny.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 4:41 PM on December 7, 2015 [1 favorite]


In fact, I am absolutely, totally shocked and disappointed to find out Matt was behind this.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 4:42 PM on December 7, 2015




Matt was behind this

i see what you did there.
posted by quonsar II: smock fishpants and the temple of foon at 4:43 PM on December 7, 2015 [4 favorites]


It's not funny.

I think it's hilarious. But humour is subjective.

I am curious though - why do you think it's so terrible? I mean, you seem really offended by it.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 5:02 PM on December 7, 2015


Sorry you don't like it St. Alia, like I said in one of the interviews, I agree it's a very stupid project, but so are these tough talking politicians trying to look tough with their guns, and I'm trying to make light of them.
posted by mathowie (retired) at 5:36 PM on December 7, 2015 [19 favorites]


It's the sort of thing a sniggering fourteen year old would do.

On preview: Matt, YOU of all people??? It really makes me sad. I really, really do think you are better than this.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 5:38 PM on December 7, 2015


There is a noble tradition of using juvenile humor to address political subjects. It can be especially potent when addressing politicians who are acting like children but want to be taken seriously as adults.

Like politicians who, in the midst of a crisis of public murders, publicly display the instruments of those murders as a fetish object, pandering to an extremist base by communicating that they will never do anything to limit people's access to tools of mass death.

Frankly, the dildos are an improvement.
posted by maxsparber at 5:46 PM on December 7, 2015 [32 favorites]


> It's the sort of thing a sniggering fourteen year old would do.

I'm gonna be 50 next year and I think it's fucking hilarious, not to mention super-zingy commentary on penis-as-gun. Well done, Matt!
posted by rtha at 5:47 PM on December 7, 2015 [25 favorites]


It's the sort of thing a sniggering fourteen year old would do.

On preview: Matt, YOU of all people??? It really makes me sad. I really, really do think you are better than this.


Sputtering insults is the best you can do when you're asked to articulate your specific objections? I think you are better than this.
posted by gingerest at 5:50 PM on December 7, 2015 [1 favorite]


I really, really do think you are better than this.

And a whole lot of other people think the thing he did is pretty funny and rad. Different strokes for different folks and all that, it's fine if you don't like it. But you've gone beyond just not liking it to being a nannying dick about this in multiple threads for no good reason, and it's bizarre that from there you've concluded that Matt's the one who's behaving poorly.
posted by cortex (staff) at 5:51 PM on December 7, 2015 [27 favorites]


it's satire about the fact that in quite a few places (specifically, texas) having a dildo publically is illegal while having a gun publically isn't - even though, you know, there hasn't been a mass dildoing recently. or at least nobody's invited me to one.

see also: the open dildo carry protest
posted by flatluigi at 5:52 PM on December 7, 2015 [13 favorites]


a nannying dick

A phrase for the ages.
posted by Dip Flash at 5:56 PM on December 7, 2015 [6 favorites]


also, I see what he did there
posted by en forme de poire at 6:01 PM on December 7, 2015 [1 favorite]


> it's satire about the fact that in quite a few places (specifically, texas) having a dildo publically is illegal while having a gun publically isn't

There are some states where it is illegal to sell or promote the sale of dildos and other sex toys! In Alabama, conviction carries a $10,000 fine and a year in jail (and more for repeat offenders)! But advertise something that can kill a dozen people in 30 seconds? Well sure because 2nd Amendment. Boo! BOO I SAY!
posted by rtha at 6:08 PM on December 7, 2015 [13 favorites]


I really, really do think you are better than this.

I seriously feel absolute zero shame over doing this, full stop. Politicians barring laws from making things safer for Americans (because the NRA pays them off) is much more shameful to me than making some silly photoshop jokes out of it. So I hear your concerns but it is not going to stop me in the slightest.

I'll shut down the blog the moment we have meaningful gun control in the country. I hope the subjects of the posts are embarrassed at seeing themselves in them and that they stop taking their stupid photo ops at the gun range and instead pass some badly needed laws.

If you know of any photos of GOP guys with their guns feel free to pass them along, I'm always on the lookout for new subject matter.
posted by mathowie (retired) at 6:08 PM on December 7, 2015 [64 favorites]


On preview: Matt, YOU of all people??? It really makes me sad. I really, really do think you are better than this.

I'd argue that America is better than approximately as many deaths - by guns - on American soil since 2001 as American casualties over the duration of World War II.

Perhaps you should save your righteous indignation for the people who make possible the widespread availability of the hardware that's enabled that slaughter?

It scares me that I have family that moved to your country. I like America. I think it's it's awesome. But your gun laws and the killing they enable are insane - direct your energy to fighting that.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 6:10 PM on December 7, 2015 [2 favorites]


I said it there and I will say it here-this is childish and stupid and Matt is way better than this. It's not funny.

That moment when you legit think that your mom has a metafilter account and will judge you for what you do on the Internet.
posted by hal_c_on at 6:11 PM on December 7, 2015 [4 favorites]


Eh, I'm pro-gun-rights but I still find this amusing.
posted by Jacqueline at 6:16 PM on December 7, 2015 [4 favorites]


And a whole lot of other people think the thing he did is pretty funny and rad. Different strokes for different folks and all that, it's fine if you don't like it. But you've gone beyond just not liking it to being a nannying dick about this in multiple threads for no good reason, and it's bizarre that from there you've concluded that Matt's the one who's behaving poorly.



I've said my piece. And yes, as a matter of fact, I really do wish Matt had not done it, I feel it is way beneath him. But I doubt he will lose any sleep over my opinion, we're all adults here-but truly, silliness aside, I feel these photos are counterproductive and just add to the general grar that is already taking over any sort of substantive discussion in this nation where people are disagreeing. Is it wrong to wish people on both sides would just start being grownups?

And yes, I know both sides of the political divide are guilty as hell of being childish and vulgar, on a variety of topics.

Sorry to harsh the general mellow, carry on.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:16 PM on December 7, 2015


That moment when you legit think that your mom has a metafilter account and will judge you for what you do on the Internet.

Let's not do that.

Look - someone thinks this is puerile and offensive - fair enough, but it pales in comparison to the charnel house the NRA has created and so I think the offense is completely and ridiculously misdirected.

Let's not conflate that with motherhood?

But I still think the dildos are fucking funny - in part because there's significant overlap between the anti-choice, anti-woman, anti-gay, sex-negative political orientation of the same gun-toting politicians into whose hands they are being Photoshopped.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 6:17 PM on December 7, 2015 [14 favorites]


i couldn't buy a dildo that looked like a dick when i lived in texas but i could buy all manner of guns. i could buy a vibrator that looked like a chili pepper or an ear of corn though...as long as they had a bright pink sticker that assured me they were a cake topper - same for the 16" john holmes fist, cake topper, do not display near candles.

anyway, i love this, especially the variety of sex toys displayed.
posted by nadawi at 6:20 PM on December 7, 2015 [7 favorites]


That moment when you legit think that your mom has a metafilter account and will judge you for what you do on the Internet.

Let's not conflate that with motherhood?

Yeah, I'd like to expand that request to not conflating it with being a middle-aged woman who uses MetaFilter and "the Internet", please and thank you.
posted by gingerest at 6:23 PM on December 7, 2015 [12 favorites]


And yes, as a matter of fact, I really do wish Matt had not done it, I feel it is way beneath him.

Easy with the shame. I actually think this is way awesome. I'm sick of hearing of innocent people being gunned down. If some dude can make legislators think twice about their decisions on behalf of Americans by Photoshopping...I think its wonderful.

That's pretty much the epitome of freedom of speech and democracy.

Basically, I'm calling you ISIS if you don't like the Photoshopping.
posted by hal_c_on at 6:25 PM on December 7, 2015 [2 favorites]


anyway, i love this, especially the variety of sex toys displayed.

Would it...would it be too much to ask for a barrel-mounted fleshlight?
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 6:32 PM on December 7, 2015 [1 favorite]


Erm, I previously looked up the legislation in one of your fine states on this topic. So, much easier to purchase a gun, at least on paper, than a sex toy. I mean online retailing has probably rendered that moot for most people, but if you prefer to try before you buy locally, I'd imagine it's still a problem.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 6:39 PM on December 7, 2015




But you've gone beyond just not liking it to being a nannying dick about this in multiple threads for no good reason ...

Is that a real dick or an artificial one?
posted by octobersurprise at 6:48 PM on December 7, 2015


Is it wrong to wish people on both sides would just start being grownups?

Sure, but probably if I had to pick I'd say the side waving around instruments of death should stop before the side waving around instruments of pleasure. I guess... agree to disagree on that whole murder v. sex thing.
posted by shakespeherian at 6:56 PM on December 7, 2015 [14 favorites]


Hell, sometimes I wonder if the people who have a gabillion guns may be paranoid about something and trying to compensate. This just makes the Freudian connection blatant.

(Matt - ever consider some kind of ZARDOZ tie-in with this?)
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:09 PM on December 7, 2015


Why confine this to the GOP? Why not use all the photos of Democrats with guns as well? Oh, wait, nevermind.
posted by cjorgensen at 7:17 PM on December 7, 2015 [2 favorites]


I'm sick of hearing of innocent people being gunned down. If some dude can make legislators think twice about their decisions on behalf of Americans by Photoshopping...I think its wonderful.


But that is precisely my point. That is NOT what will happen. All this is is adding to the meanspiritedness in the world. Heaven knows there is way enough of that out there as it is, and absolutely much of it does come from the Right, I am aware of that. Can't we be better than this though?
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 7:18 PM on December 7, 2015


> All this is is adding to the meanspiritedness in the world.

Disagree! It adds humor and mocking of ridiculous people advocating ridiculous things. The world could use more of that. And there is a fine and very long tradition in human society of this kind of point-and-laugh.

There is no "both sides" of a debate where one "side" advocates for weapons of killing and the other for sex toys. There is no equivalence. One "side" cheers for death and the "other" for pleasure. I know which "side" I am on.
posted by rtha at 7:23 PM on December 7, 2015 [10 favorites]


St. Alia, if you think the presence of a photo of a dildo on the internet is... meanspirited... of all things well you just spoke volumes and I have no response.
posted by mathowie (retired) at 7:33 PM on December 7, 2015 [30 favorites]


Can't we be better than this though?

I certainly hope not.
posted by homunculus at 7:40 PM on December 7, 2015 [2 favorites]


I'm maybe more sensitive than most to the way we talk about politics. Off the top of my head, some things that bother me in conversations about politics:
  • Making jokes about Donald Trump's hair
  • Making jokes about any other candidate's physical appearance
  • Making fun of a candidate's family
  • Openly wishing someone will die
  • Celebrating when someone does die
Things that do not bother me:
  • Dildos
My taste is obviously my own and no one else's, but of all the ways people can be nasty, of all the ways we can cope with the our very real fear of these candidates (and what they represent), posting pictures of them holding fake dicks seems about as harmless as you can get. It's hilarious, and Jesus, I had no idea there were that many photos of them with guns to begin with. Not that I'm surprised, but still.
posted by teponaztli at 7:51 PM on December 7, 2015 [14 favorites]


Where were all the anti gun activists several decades ago when poor underprivileged minorities were dying in much larger numbers? Now that the media is covering and sensationalizing middle class white people getting popped we suddenly have to make America safe? I don't get it. Oh wait, I do.

That being said, when I saw Matt's handiwork I snorted a large amount of ruby-red grapefuit seltzer through my nose and onto my keyboard. Thanks a lot Matt. There's just something about Ted Cruz and dildos....together....I can't put my finger on it.
posted by AElfwine Evenstar at 8:02 PM on December 7, 2015


> There's just something about Ted Cruz and dildos....together....I can't put my finger on it.

"Oh my god that's a huge dick. There just can't be a bigger dick than that in the world. Oops, looks like I was wrong."
posted by benito.strauss at 8:04 PM on December 7, 2015 [1 favorite]


There was plenty of anti-gun activism twenty years ago. There was the Brady Campaign and the Million Mom March and a lot of other stuff. What makes you think any of this is new?
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 8:07 PM on December 7, 2015 [8 favorites]


> Where were all the anti gun activists several decades ago when poor underprivileged minorities were dying in much larger numbers?

Still here, or there, or then, or whichever! Promise. There was not facebook or tumblr or so on, but we have been here for a long goddamn time. Just because The Media didn't show us or you weren't looking (or weren't around to look, dunno how old you are) doesn't mean it wasn't happening. A shit ton of people are anything but johnny-come-latelys on this issue.
posted by rtha at 8:16 PM on December 7, 2015 [10 favorites]


Where were all the anti gun activists several decades ago when poor underprivileged minorities were dying in much larger numbers?

This is a very ignorant thing to say.
posted by shakespeherian at 8:17 PM on December 7, 2015 [9 favorites]


George Bush checking the battery compartment.

Thanks clav! I made this with it.
posted by mathowie (retired) at 8:19 PM on December 7, 2015 [5 favorites]


Oh my god that's a huge dick. There just can't be a bigger dick than that in the world. Oops, looks like I was wrong.

Sounds like a personal problem.
posted by AElfwine Evenstar at 8:22 PM on December 7, 2015


This is a very ignorant thing to say.

Why? It's true. The only time there is a push for gun control is when white people get shot. Ala Brady and the AWB after the 101 California Street shooting.
posted by AElfwine Evenstar at 8:28 PM on December 7, 2015


Cut it out, please. We're here to argue about dildos, not about whether other people care enough about gun control.
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 8:29 PM on December 7, 2015 [28 favorites]


I like this a lot. It wouldn't take a lot of thought to dress this in the clothes of a Serious Art Project. It implicitly tackles the relation of the 1st and 2nd amendments to each other, deals with sex and violence, AND is a great visual representation of the old "the penis mightier than the sword" pun. This is basically what art is for.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 8:29 PM on December 7, 2015 [5 favorites]


MetaFilter: We're here to argue about dildos.
posted by rtha at 8:42 PM on December 7, 2015 [13 favorites]


I think there's a missing space in that sentence, Jon Mitchell, and also not enough space between "penis" and "sword."
posted by notyou at 9:50 PM on December 7, 2015


> Where were all the anti gun activists several decades ago when poor underprivileged minorities were dying in much larger numbers? Now that the media is covering and sensationalizing middle class white people getting popped we suddenly have to make America safe? I don't get it. Oh wait, I do.

Since when aren't poor underprivileged minorities are dying in greater numbers? Since when has the media not disproportionally covered and sensationalized DANGER! when white middle class people get killed? Because these are just sad and unhappy constants as far as I know.
posted by desuetude at 10:10 PM on December 7, 2015 [1 favorite]


But that is precisely my point. That is NOT what will happen. All this is is adding to the meanspiritedness in the world.

I think you don't understand the point of dildos.
posted by hal_c_on at 10:26 PM on December 7, 2015 [4 favorites]


Dr. Carson seems to elude but I found this posted yesterday.

It has racks.

posted by clavdivs at 10:50 PM on December 7, 2015


That looks like someone just photoshopped Ben Carson in front of a random wall of guns.
posted by teponaztli at 11:47 PM on December 7, 2015 [1 favorite]


Agreed, he wasn't in a gun shop in that photo. I tried to find pics of the good doctor with a gun in his general proximity, believe me.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 11:49 PM on December 7, 2015


Ronald Reagan (with guns).
posted by el io at 1:01 AM on December 8, 2015


This suddenly reminds me, I have in my closet an unused kit for making your own silicone dildo. If you will, a meta-dildo.
posted by polymodus at 2:00 AM on December 8, 2015


Not that it exactly matters, but the Rick Perry photo was a starter pistol and he was at a race so a harmless object was replaced with a harmless object.
posted by cjorgensen at 6:34 AM on December 8, 2015 [2 favorites]


I'm tickled enough by the whole thing
posted by cortex

You're doing it wrong.

This is great, good job Matt.
posted by marienbad at 6:42 AM on December 8, 2015 [1 favorite]


Also, I learnt from the wiki link upthread that there is actually a dildo disambiguation page!
posted by marienbad at 6:43 AM on December 8, 2015


Oh man, I am er, down the rabbit hole now. This is at then end of the wiki page for Dildo:

"Some Conservative Christians believe that the use of sex toys is immoral. The Southern Baptist preacher Dan Ireland has been an outspoken critic of such devices and has fought to ban them on religious and ethical grounds.[29] Ireland has stated "There are moral ways and immoral ways to use a firearm ... There is no moral way to use one of these devices."
posted by marienbad at 6:53 AM on December 8, 2015 [1 favorite]


They're back massagers, Dan.
posted by dinty_moore at 7:02 AM on December 8, 2015 [3 favorites]


This is glorious, and I genuinely thank you, mathowie.
posted by Space Kitty at 7:03 AM on December 8, 2015 [1 favorite]


Okay: hear me out a sec, but I think I can understand where St. Alia's coming from. (No, wait, before you get mad at me, let me say my whole piece here; or, at least read down to what I say after I say "However" before you respond.)

There is something to be said about how adversaries treating each other with a modicum of respect can go further towards a resolution. Hell, I think one big contributor to the current political tone in this country isn't just about the ideas we're all talking about, but rather it's the way we talk about them. We all are now in the habit of digging into our own sides and hurling spitballs at each other rather than actually listening to each other and trying to uncover the honest motivations behind things, so we can possibly work towards a mutual compromise. We none of us is going to get everything 100% the way we want it, but we can at least work towards finding ways that address everyone's core needs. But if we insult and poke fun at each other, that's not going to happen.

Moreover, we don't really have the best track record here on this site when it comes to portraying the "red state" position; we're too quick with the joke and the sass and snark, and not really listening to the people who speak up and say "Uh, that's ME you're talking about there, that's not fair."

HOWEVER.

As obscene as some would find it to have dildos photoshopped into the hands of politicians who are having photo ops with guns, what I'm finding most enlightening about Matt's blog is just how many such photos exist. Which is more obscene, if you think about it - is the problem that Matt's photoshopping dildos onto these photos, or is the real problem the fact that so many politicians either want to, or feel they HAVE to, set up these kinds of photo ops in the first place? Why are so many politicians trying this hard to woo that one single special interest, to the point that there is now a huge assortment of photos for someone to photoshop in this one particular way?

So, yeah, it'd be great if we could all comport ourselves like grownups and not make silly jokes. However, I consider "not pandering to the biggest bully" to be a much more important part of being a grown-up, and I think the emphasis should be on convincing politicians to stop courting the NRA vote in the first place. Because - Matt's photos haven't killed people.

When we've taken care of the problem of people dying, then we can get back to Bobby Jindal's feelings being hurt.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:42 AM on December 8, 2015 [5 favorites]


> Thanks clav! I made this with it.

You know how when you play Tetris for too long you start seeing the blocks everywhere? This is now happening to me with dildos. I mean, just look at that column next to Bush.
posted by Westringia F. at 7:59 AM on December 8, 2015 [3 favorites]


I think this is great. Anything that encourages politicians to think twice before posing with a gun is A-OK by me.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:25 AM on December 8, 2015 [4 favorites]


Dick Cheney with a dildo / shotgun.

Choose wisely.

Now I want to hear sound bites of speeches mixed with fart sounds. No jokes about tapering, though.
posted by mule98J at 9:14 AM on December 8, 2015


it'd be great if we could all comport ourselves like grownups and not make silly jokes.

I do not share your view of optimal scenarios here.
posted by jessamyn (retired) at 9:17 AM on December 8, 2015 [25 favorites]


but if you prefer to try before you buy locally

I will not shop at this shop.
posted by deadwax at 9:40 AM on December 8, 2015 [2 favorites]


try before you buy

I'd like to issue a clarification.

By this I mean get a sense of weight, girth and other features by seeing it in the (simulated) flesh to make sure that you're not getting in too deep before you shell out your hard-earned cash for a package that may not fit - but I've rambled on too long. You get the general thrust.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 9:51 AM on December 8, 2015 [1 favorite]


So, yeah, it'd be great if we could all comport ourselves like grownups and not make silly jokes.

One person's silly joke is another person's pointed (ahem) commentary on a pervasive acceptance of the tools (AHEM) of political theater. I'm pro-dildo on this one.
posted by ersatzkat at 10:18 AM on December 8, 2015 [1 favorite]


This went huge though! (yea I know).

I saw this all over my social media. I think it's more than a jokey joke, as Pink Superhero says, it might make politicians think twice before posing with guns, given how wide and deep the reach (I know) has been on this.
posted by sweetkid at 10:21 AM on December 8, 2015 [1 favorite]


One person's silly joke is another person's pointed (ahem) commentary on a pervasive acceptance of the tools (AHEM) of political theater. I'm pro-dildo on this one.

Oh, me too.

When I said that it'd be great if society could always conduct itself civilly during disagreements all the time, it was the kind of wishful-thinking daydream kind of statement to which an old roommate would add, after saying it, "and as long as I'm dreaming I'd also like a pony".
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:46 AM on December 8, 2015


So the best thing is the loving expressions on their faces as they gaze at the instruments.
posted by Cocodrillo at 10:53 AM on December 8, 2015 [1 favorite]


OK I know where Matt's getting the pics of pols, but where's he getting the pics of the dildos? Is he sneaking into Erika Moen's sample drawer or what?
posted by Bringer Tom at 11:21 AM on December 8, 2015


There are SO MANY dildos on Amazon. So. Many. Seriously, try this yourself, go to amazon.com, type the word dildo, then hit the left side option to filter just for their 55,365 items named dildo. Fifty Five Thousand Items!!!

Almost everything on the first ten pages of results has a clean huge image you can copy/paste out of photoshop easily, it literally takes seconds to get a dildo image and prep it for the photo.

Also, I learned that Amazon has some secret flag in your own purchase/browse history in that you will never see a dildo on the front page of "stuff you searched for" or in ads on facebook "did you want to buy this dildo?". My search history shows phone backup batteries I was looking at last week.
posted by mathowie (retired) at 11:37 AM on December 8, 2015 [15 favorites]


So you're saying your search history tastes like a 9-Volt battery?
posted by This is Why We Can't Have Nice Things at 11:48 AM on December 8, 2015 [1 favorite]


Seriously, try this yourself, go to amazon.com, type the word dildo

I'll take your word on it.
posted by grouse at 11:50 AM on December 8, 2015 [1 favorite]


Also, I learned that Amazon has some secret flag in your own purchase/browse history in that you will never see a dildo on the front page of "stuff you searched for" or in ads on facebook "did you want to buy this dildo?". My search history shows phone backup batteries I was looking at last week.

I would love to meet the engineer who has to administer that list of no-show items.
posted by shakespeherian at 11:55 AM on December 8, 2015 [1 favorite]


I learned that Amazon has some secret flag in your own purchase/browse history

You must have a different sort of account than I do because I was trying to replicate this and could not and now I have some explanations to make to my sister who i share this account with. Am I punk'd? You punk'd me?
posted by jessamyn (retired) at 12:06 PM on December 8, 2015 [13 favorites]


Omigod that 'sexy underwear for couples' thing is the most uncanny-valley-ish horrorshow imaginable
posted by shakespeherian at 12:07 PM on December 8, 2015 [1 favorite]


I'm late to this party but I just want to say that it gave me joy. Thanks Matt!
posted by anotherpanacea at 12:13 PM on December 8, 2015


I'm worried now that I'm gonna check on the MetaFilter affiliate account and find nothing but dildos.
posted by cortex (staff) at 12:28 PM on December 8, 2015 [6 favorites]


20" same as in town.
posted by tocts at 12:35 PM on December 8, 2015


it'd be great if we could all comport ourselves like grownups and not make silly jokes.

No, no, no.

1. Silly jokes are one of the joys of MetaFilter. That thread on the blue is a cornucopia all by itself of wonderful puns and jokes. (Also, imho silly humor is the BESTEST humor.)

2. Joking and humor are also a great way to deal with serious topics, such as the epidemic of gun violence that we are all seeing daily on the news. I, like Jacqueline, support gun rights, but I have to say this topic is so difficult that humor is not only a smart way to manage it, but a very adult approach as well. The puerile approach is geared toward shouting and rage, by contrast Which precludes any discussion at all.

3. Silly jokes are a wonderful way to deliver political commentary. I cite The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, for example, as my authority for that proposition.

Keep on photoshoppin', Matt!
posted by bearwife at 1:30 PM on December 8, 2015 [2 favorites]


I'm worried now that I'm gonna check on the MetaFilter affiliate account and find nothing but dildos.

Wait can you guys see what we buy through Amazon when we follow links from here?

Because uh oh
posted by shakespeherian at 1:58 PM on December 8, 2015 [1 favorite]


Not really. I can look at aggregate reporting but there's zero "person x bought thing y" stuff and Amazon has no idea if a buyer is a mefite at all, let alone a specific person. I was just joking that Matt was logged in in the wrong place or something.
posted by cortex (staff) at 2:07 PM on December 8, 2015 [1 favorite]


Omigod that 'sexy underwear for couples' thing is the most uncanny-valley-ish horrorshow imaginable

Shakespeherian: sometime later today, when you are not at work, do a search on MeFi for the phrase "sex teratoma" and follow whatever links come up.

I must absolutely stress the "WHEN YOU ARE NOT AT WORK" part.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 2:13 PM on December 8, 2015


I can look at aggregate reporting but there's zero "person x bought thing y" stuff and Amazon has no idea if a buyer is a mefite at all, let alone a specific person.

Well okay but if you happen to see the purchase of a book titled 'How to Take Over an Internet Message Board and Bend It to Your Will' I'd just assume that wasn't a mefite.
posted by shakespeherian at 2:27 PM on December 8, 2015


Shakespeherian: sometime later today, when you are not at work, do a search on MeFi for the phrase "sex teratoma" and follow whatever links come up.

all i'm seeing is a cute cartoon bug with big eyes
posted by shakespeherian at 2:31 PM on December 8, 2015


Seriously, try this yourself, go to amazon.com, type the word dildo

Hm. On Amazon.ca, the sixth or seventh inital search result before filtering is The Kobold Wizard's Dildo of Enlightenment + 2 (an Adventure for 3-6 Players).
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 2:33 PM on December 8, 2015


Oh, it's an "Adventure" all right!
posted by nubs at 2:47 PM on December 8, 2015


do a search on MeFi for the phrase "sex teratoma" and follow whatever links come up.

You're a mean drunk, Superman.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 2:50 PM on December 8, 2015 [6 favorites]


16" john holmes fist, cake topper, do not display near candles.

nadawi, I really wish I needed a sock puppet. Also I know how the next cake I bake is getting decorated.
posted by a halcyon day at 3:47 PM on December 8, 2015


My thoughts and prayers are with any victims of a photoshopped picture of a dildo.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 4:25 PM on December 8, 2015 [4 favorites]


This is all over my social media from non-Mefites. Matt, you're huge!
posted by desuetude at 4:32 PM on December 8, 2015 [1 favorite]


My God, Matt is right. Amazon is dildos all the way down.
posted by Bringer Tom at 4:53 PM on December 8, 2015


My thoughts and prayers are with any victims of a photoshopped picture of a dildo.

wake up sheeple this was a phallus flag operation
posted by Atom Eyes at 4:54 PM on December 8, 2015 [6 favorites]


I regularly visit theworstthingsforsale.com. (Their current front page isn't that bad. Usually they feature stuff more like this or this (those are safe not-at-work links - tasteless but safe)).

Unfortunately, most of the things they feature link to the Amazon page for the item, and I'd been reading it for a couple of weeks, sometimes going to the Amazon page just because I couldn't believe it, when I visited Amazon wanting to actually buy something and looked at my "You recently looked at ..." that Amazon tracks . Good Lord. Why doesn't HTML support
<a rel="ha-ha-no-just-kidding-viewing-ironically" href="http://amazon.com/horrible_thing.html"/>
posted by benito.strauss at 5:11 PM on December 8, 2015 [1 favorite]


Huh, I just did the search and was surprised and disappointed at the sheer number of non-dildo items that appeared on the front page. Like, literal scalp massagers. Those aren't dildoes at all!

Though I am wondering why this item is labelled Easter (NSFW)
posted by dinty_moore at 7:36 PM on December 8, 2015


55,365 items named dildo. Fifty Five Thousand Items!!!

If you build them, they will come
posted by Greg_Ace at 7:44 PM on December 8, 2015 [2 favorites]


Though I am wondering why this item is labelled Easter (NSFW)

Drag shows on Easter are a thing.
posted by jaguar at 7:46 PM on December 8, 2015 [1 favorite]


Hey Matt, I'm sure you've taken web accessibility into account and have given the images the appropriate alt tags describing the make and model of dildo held, the person holding it, and the way they're holding it. If not, please tag.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 8:00 PM on December 8, 2015 [1 favorite]


As a blind dude I endorse this request, for strictly informational and documentary reasons, obviously.
posted by Ephelump Jockey at 8:04 PM on December 8, 2015 [3 favorites]


Am I punk'd? You punk'd me?

He basically did the search-engine equivalent of 'deez nuts'.
posted by hal_c_on at 2:54 AM on December 9, 2015 [2 favorites]


Matt, you're huge!

I... it... too many jokes...
posted by EndsOfInvention at 4:52 AM on December 9, 2015 [2 favorites]


Matt, you are putting poor old ladies at risk of heart attack-by-dildo: Momma, Do Not Open This Link.
posted by MonkeyToes at 5:49 AM on December 9, 2015


Some people are very naive about their mothers, and older women in general.
posted by The corpse in the library at 8:41 AM on December 9, 2015 [8 favorites]


Personally, I wonder what my mother thinks of my recent FB posts (the dildo stuff, not politics). I guess my teenage years have inured her to my occasional lapses of politesse.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 10:58 AM on December 9, 2015


My 80-year-old parents thought it was hilarious. They're also fans of Savage Love. (They read it out loud to each other and giggle like kids. It's disturbingly sweet.)
posted by Orange Dinosaur Slide at 1:17 PM on December 9, 2015 [2 favorites]


Some people are very naive about their mothers, and older women in general.

Agreed. "Don't click this, Momma" is a running joke with Juanita Jean (and functions in a way akin to "NSFW"); her readers, however, are most likely laughing and sharing these images far and wide.
posted by MonkeyToes at 5:26 PM on December 9, 2015


My 80-year-old parents thought it was hilarious. They're also fans of Savage Love

You have the coolest parents on earth.
posted by mathowie (retired) at 12:01 AM on December 10, 2015 [3 favorites]


Thank you, mathowie! They really are tremendous people, big-hearted, curious, and wickedly funny. I'm thankful and honored to be related to them. :)
posted by Orange Dinosaur Slide at 5:44 AM on December 10, 2015 [2 favorites]


Matt, you're huge!

I wouldn't know, I only got a peek from the back.
posted by cynical pinnacle at 5:31 PM on December 10, 2015


Why I can’t stop putting dildos into the hands of powerful conservatives:
Of course, it being on the Internet, there’s a flipside reaction as well. I’ve been asked to meet people to see their guns, and perhaps to experience getting shot by them, I’ve had people on Twitter tell me all the things they want to do with a dildo to me, and I’ve even had a guy say he’d love to shove his gun up my ass and pull the trigger so I got the full idea of how powerful his weapons are. Usually I block or mute people on Twitter that tell me stuff like that so I don’t have to see it again.
I wonder how many dildo advocates are threatening him? I bet none.
posted by rtha at 11:47 AM on December 14, 2015


Oh yeah, in case I wasn't clear, gun nuts are the ones saying they want to jam dildos into me. Definitely not dildo aficionados making any threats.
posted by mathowie (retired) at 6:07 PM on December 14, 2015 [1 favorite]


Dildo aficionados make offers, not threats.
posted by Dip Flash at 7:38 PM on December 14, 2015 [5 favorites]


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