Note: Everyone needs a laugh.

September 29, 2017 12:34 PM

"I know more about a person from the jokes they like than any belief they profess," commented lazycomputerkids in the thread on right-wing comedy. So, MeFites - tell us about yourselves!

It's Friday, and it's been a while since we had a joke thread, right? So here's a place to tell a joke you like. To tell the jokes you want to be associated with. Dirty, clean, dad-joke, knock-knock, barely even coherent - it's all good. It just has to be a joke you personally genuinely like and find funny, not something you're repeating just because it fits a formula (so "how many _____ to screw in a lightbulb" is fine, but only tell the funny ones, not every single one you know). Funny stories are fair game; doesn't have to be a standard joke format. You don't have to pick one favorite, tell as many as you like.

So, I'll go ahead and introduce myself with one I was put in mind of by something in the most recent podcast; though I can't remember what it was specifically I assume it was something to do with numbers and alphabetical order. Anyway, it's not really my joke but my grandfather's and Stan Ulam's; I just love the story. See, back in 1947 they wrote up this memo [pdf] and sent it around to all their co-workers. I won't tell the whole story because you can read it at the link, but I love it for two reasons: First, I love the subtle, deadpan way they poked fun at the bureaucratic machine (and the angry response among some speaks volumes on its own!). Second, the whole thing - and especially the fact that they got the idea to alphabetize numerals and started the list with 12 because it's "a dozen" - just really captures a lot of my favorite aspect of my grandfather's personality, the things I miss about him - his sense of humor, his irreverence, the way his mind worked. Every now and then I re-read that thing just to crack myself up or to remember Carson.

posted by nickmark to MetaFilter-Related at 12:34 PM (180 comments total)

....I have apparently told this joke once on the blue, and once in AskMe. I will tell it here; it is something I found long ago on a Callahans' fandom chat channel online.


So there's this guy who's decided to adopt a personal quest to find The Best Cup Of Tea In The World. He figures the first place to look is England, because they know tea, yeah? So he has a month for vacation, so he goes on this big grand tour of England, having high tea at the Ritz and stopping in at these little cottages in the Cotswalds, even ducking up to Scotland and over to Wales now and then. And it's somewhere in Wales that he has this splendiforous cup of tea -- he lingers over it for a good half hour, congratulating himself; he found the tea! This was easy! ...Except he starts to get the nagging feeling that no, there's another, better cup out there in the world somewhere. Oh, well, it's a good start, and at least he's got a good yardstick now.

A year later he decides to continue his search, in India. (They grow tea there, he figures, so that must be the best place to look.) And again, he goes on a grand tour, having tea in the hotels and in the little country chai-wallas, and not really finding anything until the day he leaves; he hurriedly gets a cup of tea to go in the airport while he's racing for his plane home, carrying it through the gate and into his seat -- and as he sips it on the plane he realizes wait, this was The Tea. And he's kicking himself a while for not really noticing anything about the place because now he doesn't know who the guy selling it was -- but then as he sips he realizes again that no, there's something more out there. It's a new high-water mark, sure, but the Platonian Ideal of Tea he's looking for is still out there.

By this time, his friends are sending him tips now and then -- telling him about tea in this Chinese restaurant in New York, suggesting a field trip to a tea field in North Carolina, one yutz who keeps saying "Lipton" as a joke. But he notices that a lot of his friends keep consistently telling him that they've heard about the tea in this little Australian town called "Mercy" -- it was one of three towns in the outback all formed at the same time, "Faith", "Hope", and "Mercy" or something like that; and the inn in Mercy is supposed to have amazing tea. He doesn't think anything of that -- a trip to Australia is a little beyond him -- but then suddenly his boss sends him to Sydney on business. And he checks the map, and Mercy is about a half-day's drive from Sydney. So he books an extra day in Sydney, so he can get a chance to check this out.

So off he goes. Mercy is ridiculously small - a couple houses, a general store, and an inn/restaurant thing. He goes to the inn and the only other person there is a woman working the place. He orders "a cup of your best tea." "We only have one kind of tea," she says, "but I assure you it's the best." She brings him a cup and sits him down by the window.

And with one sip -- he knows. This is it. This is the tea. He orders a second cup so he can try it without milk as well, for comparison's sake and spends a good hour there, lingering over both cups, savoring them. Yep, he thinks, this really and truly is the very best cup of tea in the world. And man, it was worth the trip. The whole time he's sipping it, the woman is continuing to putter around, occasionally looking over and smiling indulgently.

Then just as the man is draining one of the two cups -- he notices that there's hair at the bottom. He reacts to this, of course, and the woman sees and comes over to ask him if everything's okay. "Well, the tea was wonderful," he says, "but...look, I don't mean to be critical, but whoever's washing your dishes could step up their game a bit." And he shows her the hair.

She gets a funny look on her face. "Oh, I'm sorry, I guess you didn't know...um, that's supposed to be there," she says. "That's....koala hair." The man is baffled at this, and the woman explains that that's how they make their tea -- they had a pet koala, and one day some of his brushed-out hair got into the tea and it just gave it a certain something, so they made their tea with some of their koala's hair. They checked with the board of health and everything, they wash their koala every day and give him a good brush-down afterward, it's all okay. "And it's what makes our tea what it is," she explains, "And you have to admit you enjoyed it, I saw you."

The man is still shocked, but has to agree that well, yeah, he liked it. "Still, though," he protests, "it is a little shocking for people who don't know about this to get to the bottom of the cup and see the hair there. So have you ever thought of, like, straining the hair out before serving it or something?"

"Why, sir!" The shocked woman says. "The koala tea of Mercy is not strained!"
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:44 PM on September 29, 2017 [50 favorites]

I used to work in the City, and one of my favorite things to do on my lunch break was try out new places to eat. So I systematically walked up and down the blocks, trying out every little hole-in-the-wall joint I came across. Some were good, some bad, a few great many more terrible, but I enjoyed the looking.
One day I came across a newly-opened Buddhist hot-dog place. All vegetarian and vegan stuff - tofu dogs, seitan dogs, TVP dogs. I was intrigued, and went inside.
I asked the counterman "what's good?"
he replied, giving me the rundown on their hot-dogs, toppings, options, peanut-oil fries...

I thought for a second, and said, mischeviously, "ok - make me one, with everything."

He smiled and set about putting together the order: the hot-dog, onions, relish, peppers, mustard, ketchup, sauerkraut...

He handed it to me - "that'll be 3.99, please."

I only had a twenty, and gave it to him. He smiled again, and put it in the till.

"Hey," I said, "where's my change?"

He smiled a third time. "Change comes from within."
posted by the man of twists and turns at 12:49 PM on September 29, 2017 [10 favorites]

My favorite joke of all time:

"How do you get an elephant out of a refrigerator?

Open the door and let him out.

How do you get an elephant into a refrigerator?

Open the door, let him in, and close the door."

I die laughing every time I tell it! (it's all in the delivery)
posted by Grither at 12:51 PM on September 29, 2017 [4 favorites]

Two muffins are sitting in the oven and one says "it's so hot in here, I can't take this, it's so awful, I'm burning up" and the other looks at him and screams "oh my God, a talking muffin!"

Things you learn about me from this:

1) I am charming and whimsical and I enjoy absurdity.
2) EITHER I own a very small muffin tin OR I was at the end of the batch and I only had sufficient batter for two more muffins.
3) Surely you don't put cooked muffins in the oven, so at what point in the process does this happen? When do they become muffins? Do the muffins take on a form out of the primordial batter and then begin their lives in terror? What is the line between batter and muffin?
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 12:53 PM on September 29, 2017 [34 favorites]

I'm surrounded by people who think that art is more important than money, which is fine until they start demanding my money to support their lifestyle, or, more often, just effing COMPLAINING ALL DAY that they don't have any money because they're oh such special snowflakes. So all my favorite jokes these days poke fun at artists and musicians.

My all-time favorite is:

What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend? *
Homeless.

This is a good one too:

How many artists does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten. One to change it, and nine to reassure him about how good it looks.

I direct a handbell choir, and every time we get a new person, I tell this joke:

How many choir directors does it take to change a light bulb?
No one knows, because no one ever watches the director.

I play the viola a little, and love all the viola jokes. I have perfect pitch, so this one has always been my favorite:

What's the definition of a minor second?
Two violists playing in unison.

* emotional labor much??
posted by Melismata at 12:54 PM on September 29, 2017 [11 favorites]

2nd favorite joke of all time:

"There's two goldfish in their tank...one says to the other, 'You man the gun, I'll drive.'"
posted by Grither at 12:56 PM on September 29, 2017 [31 favorites]

If no-one minds a Tweet, this cracks me up:

"The bond's Name. James Name."
Pleased to... What?
"Bond Name's the james"
Are you alright?
"Bames Nond's having a stronk, call a Bondulance."
posted by threetwentytwo at 12:57 PM on September 29, 2017 [42 favorites]

How do you get a bassist off your porch?
Pay for the pizza.
posted by nickmark at 12:57 PM on September 29, 2017 [15 favorites]

What do you call the person who keeps time for the rest of the band?

The bass player.

----

How can you tell if a drummer is knocking on your door?

The knocking keeps speeding up.
posted by shapes that haunt the dusk at 12:58 PM on September 29, 2017 [10 favorites]

As the thread in question may suggest, I've lately stumbled into a Norm McDonald phase. Apparently, his greatest moment is the Moth joke.

SPOILER ALERT!!!

It's a very long telling wherein a Moth goes into a podiatrist's office. The podiatrist asks what the problem is and the moth goes on at length about the existential issues inherent in being a moth. Finally, the podiatrist, says, "Moth, you should be seeing a psychiatrist, not a podiatrist. Why on earth did you come here?"

"Because the light was on."
posted by philip-random at 1:02 PM on September 29, 2017 [27 favorites]

By far my favourite joke of all time (of all time!) is this dumb running gag from Police Squad!:

"Cigarette?"
"Yes, I know."
posted by tobascodagama at 1:04 PM on September 29, 2017 [10 favorites]

So there was this man who asked his best friend for help.

He said, "Friend, I'm having an affair with the butcher's wife, so could you do me a favor? This afternoon, could you go to the butcher's and, as he's closing up, engage him in a deep conversation and keep him talking to you for and hour while I slip 'round to his house for a quick roll with his wife?"

The friend agreed, said he would be happy to help and would do his best.

So at five minutes to closing time he goes down to the butcher's, buys some steaks and starts talking to the butcher, who is a friendly fellow and eager to talk and they chat on and on for an hour about local politics, sports, drinking and so on until finally the butcher says, "well, this has been a wonderful hour and I really enjoyed myself, but I noticed you were kind of straining for topics there at the end, and sort of bullshitting me; what's really going on?"

And the friend, who is feeling really guilty at this point for having duped the butcher like this can't help himself and says, "listen, I'm really sorry, but my best friend is having an affair with your wife, and he asked me to do him a favor and keep you occupied for an hour while he slipped over to your house for a quickie."

And the butcher says, "Pal, you better hurry on home now. My wife's been dead for 4 years."
posted by chavenet at 1:08 PM on September 29, 2017 [33 favorites]

An elderly gent is toddling down a path in the park one day, cane in hand, when he espies, on the other side of a four-foot-high wall, a swan's nest, and wants to get a closer look. The nearest gate through the wall, though, is too far away, so he decides to go over instead: he plants his cane on the path, swings his legs over the wall, and lands gracefully on the other side.

An onlooker exclaims, "My god, that was incredible! Are you a pole vaulter?"

"Nein," the elderly gent replies, in a heavy German accent, "I am Bavarian. But how did you know my name was Walter?"
posted by uncleozzy at 1:14 PM on September 29, 2017 [12 favorites]

This joke really says everything about me. Really. I accept that.

*ahem*

Knock, Knock...
*the usual response*
Grammar Nazi
*Grammar Nazi who?*
Grammar Nazi whom.

*sigh deeply, go on with life, exit stage left*
posted by 1f2frfbf at 1:15 PM on September 29, 2017 [32 favorites]

A city guy goes out into the country to visit distant relatives. They give him a tour of the farm. They show him the chicken coop, the goat pen, the barn for the horses, the pasture for the cows, and the pig pen.

He asks the farmer "why does one of your pigs have a wooden leg?"

The farmer says "oh, let me tell you, that pig is a hero. Just last week, there was a fire at the farmhouse. That pig broke out of his pen, raced into the house, and started rescuing the children one by one. His jaw can crush soup bones, but you'd never guess it the way he carried those children out as gently as can be. One of them didn't even wake up!

"Our poor granny was stuck on the top floor, and I swear, I didn't think pigs could climb, but he managed to make his way up a trellis, break in a window, and jump down a burning staircase with her on his back. Then, even though the whole family was safe, he ran back in and started bringing out pieces of our antique furniture. I swear, it's like that pig knew how to find our most prized possessions and rescue them all! I swear, he brought out a grandfather clock, and it had nary a scratch on it!

Then he ran over to the water pump, filled a bucket, and carried it over to the house in his mouth. Bucket by bucket, he started putting out the fire all by himself! I don't know how he did it, but I swear, the fire was almost completely out by the time the fire department arrived! They gave him a commendation for his bravery and service, and it was well-deserved. That pig is a hero, I tell you! A hero!"

The city guy says "wow, that sounds like an amazing pig, but that still doesn't explain why he has a wooden leg."

The farmer says "well, pig like that you don't eat all at once."
posted by shapes that haunt the dusk at 1:16 PM on September 29, 2017 [24 favorites]

What does a snail riding on a turtle's back say?


...


Wheeeeeeeeeeee
posted by ChuraChura at 1:23 PM on September 29, 2017 [37 favorites]

There is a one panel comic that consistently makes me laugh year after year.

There are two chocolate bunnies facing each other. One bunny's tail has been bitten off and the other bunny's ears have been bitten off. The caption is:

"My butt hurts."
"What??"
posted by rekrap at 1:24 PM on September 29, 2017 [15 favorites]

Knock, Knock...
*the usual response*
Grammar Nazi
*Grammar Nazi who?*
Grammar Nazi whom.

Similarly, I tell:
Knock, Knock...
*who's there*
To
*To who?*
No, To whom.

And, of the interrupting variety, I like:

Knock, Knock...
*who's there*
Interrupting Joke
*Interrup...*
Knock Knock .... ad infinitum.

And of the non knock knock variety...

What's gray and not there?
No elephants.
posted by Jacob G at 1:24 PM on September 29, 2017 [8 favorites]

A New Yorker cartoon by BEK: Two specks of dust sit on the floor behind a couch. One says, "I wish was a better speck of dust."
posted by paper chromatographologist at 1:27 PM on September 29, 2017 [7 favorites]

What's the difference between a lead guitarist and a terrorist?

The terrorist is willing to negotiate.
posted by Pope Guilty at 1:29 PM on September 29, 2017 [8 favorites]

Knock, Knock...
*who's there*
To
*To who?*
No, To whom.

When telling this out loud, every ounce of smugness you can cram into the punchline makes it funnier and funnier.
posted by Pope Guilty at 1:30 PM on September 29, 2017 [5 favorites]

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Sunflowers are yellow
You thought this was a poem
But it's garden facts.
posted by Eyebrows McGee (staff) at 1:30 PM on September 29, 2017 [76 favorites]

(for maximum amusement, you have to picture the snail wearing old-timey aviator goggles and a scarf, with his eye stalks blowing back in the breeze!)
posted by ChuraChura at 1:32 PM on September 29, 2017 [13 favorites]

speaking of grammar nazis

WARNING: gets violent
posted by philip-random at 1:33 PM on September 29, 2017 [2 favorites]

What's a pirate's favourite letter?
-You'd think it's Arrrr, but his heart belongs to the C.

(this joke is common enough that when someone tries to tell it to me, I pretend to earnestly think about it for the moment, and then respond with all the innocence I can muster, "hmmm... is it C? Like the sea?" and see how they react)
posted by btfreek at 1:39 PM on September 29, 2017 [19 favorites]

... the Aristocrats!
posted by Zonker at 1:45 PM on September 29, 2017 [2 favorites]

Why did the old lady fall down the well?

Because she didn't see that well.
posted by supercrayon at 1:58 PM on September 29, 2017 [36 favorites]

so when I was young I was walking through a campground with my dad, and I saw a pipe with a tap and a sign that said POTABLE WATER

and I said to him, Dad, what does that mean

and he said, that means you can carry it away
posted by Countess Elena at 1:58 PM on September 29, 2017 [5 favorites]

I am a Speech Language Pathologist. When I was in grad school I worked with a little boy (age 7) technically for articulation/speech sounds but kind of some other things indirectly as well. He had a joke that he loved to tell: Where did the cows go on their date? The mooo-vies! He would say this joke multiple times a session for weeks (I saw him twice a week, so I heard this joke a lot). After about a month, he started making up his own variations on the joke: Where did the dogs go on their date? The bark-ies! Where did the pigs go on their date? The oink-ies! And I realized--OMG he doesn't actually get the joke! So instead of working on "r" and "s" and "z" as was on my lesson plan, I take 15 minutes out of our session to work through with him why this joke was funny. I'm actually pretty nervous about this since I was in grad school, and being observed by my supervisor and his parent, and veering from the stated goals of the session. But, the next time I saw him, the next week he came running up to me and asked, "Where did the ghosts go on their date? To the boo-vies!" I was so proud. I have never enjoyed a joke more.

PS I legit told this story at a job interview as a way to describe my philosophy of treatment.
posted by Ideal Impulse at 2:00 PM on September 29, 2017 [99 favorites]

Two nuns are bicycling through Rome to visit St. Peter's Basilica.
First nun says, "You know, I've never come this way before."
Second nun nods and says, "It's the cobbles."
posted by Diablevert at 2:04 PM on September 29, 2017 [88 favorites]

A farmer decided he wanted some asparagus. So he planted it, caged it in, and put up a protective awning to keep off excessive sun. He then realized that this set-up required an explanation, so he attached a sign: "This is the awning of the cage of asparagus."
posted by thomas j wise at 2:04 PM on September 29, 2017 [43 favorites]

Speaking of asparagus, one of my favorite jokes ever came from the Jokefilter thread almost three years ago:

Why should you always have asparagus?

In case you lose your first-agus!
posted by memento maury at 2:07 PM on September 29, 2017 [25 favorites]

How many Surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?


Fish.
posted by Faintdreams at 2:18 PM on September 29, 2017 [7 favorites]

Okay, a Yom Kippur joke.

So the cantor is sick, and there is nobody to sing Kol Nidre. They ask around, and nobody is comfortable singing it.

Finally Shmelke raises his hand. This is a weird suggestion, he says, but I play cantorial records for my parrot all the time, and he can sing Kol Nidre.

It takes a little while for the congregation to warm to the idea, but there is no other option, so Shmelke goes home and gets the parrot. They set it up on the bima, wrapped in a prayer shawl, with a kippa on its little parrot head.

And the parrot sings, and it is so beautiful. The congregation is thunderstruck. The parrot's voice soars, and with it, the souls of the assembled. Despite their fasting, despite their weakness, all feel full and joyous and close to God.

At the end of the ceremony, they push up to Shmelke, praising the parrot. They tell him the parrot is so good, he should become a professional cantor.

Shmelke's face grows dark. He points to the parrot with one shaking hand.

You talk to him, Shmelke says. He wants to be a lawyer.
posted by maxsparber at 2:19 PM on September 29, 2017 [46 favorites]

Ooh I forgot my other favorite joke:

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

You follow the fresh prints.
posted by supercrayon at 2:23 PM on September 29, 2017 [15 favorites]

I love a joke some Mefite's kid told:

"What did the Incredible Hulk say to the broccoli?

'What made you so mad?'"
posted by jamjam at 2:29 PM on September 29, 2017 [15 favorites]

This is my joke:

Jesus is looking for his father. He's walking down the road and meets an old man. "Excuse me, I'm looking for my father. Have you seen him?" The old man says, "That's funny, I'm looking for my son."

Jesus says, "What does he look like?" The old man says, "Well, the last time I saw him he had nails in his hands, nails in his feet, and a board across his back."

Jesus looks at the old man and says, "Father!!" The old man looks at Jesus and says,








"Pinocchio!"
posted by Room 641-A at 2:29 PM on September 29, 2017 [17 favorites]

Heisenberg's driving down the interstate one day, in a huge hurry to get where he's going to deliver a lecture, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. Muttering to himself, he pulls over and rolls down the window.

"Sir!" says the cop. "Do you know how fast you were going? You were going 117!"

"YOU IDIOT!" Heisenberg shouts. "NOW I'M LOST!"

---

There are 3 fundamental truths about religion: Jews don't recognize Jesus as the Son of God, Protestants don't recognize the Pope as the Vicar of Christ, and Baptists don't recognize each other at the bar on Saturday nights.
posted by Eyebrows McGee (staff) at 2:35 PM on September 29, 2017 [43 favorites]

Two of my favorite Jewish jokes:

A Jew is shipwrecked on a desert island. Ten years later, a passing ship notices his campfire and stops to rescue him. When the captain comes ashore, the castaway thanks him profusely and offers to give him a tour of the little island. He shows off the weapons he made for hunting, the fire pit where he cooks his food, the synagogue he built for praying in, the hammock where he sleeps. On their way back to the ship, however, the captain notices a second synagogue. “I don’t understand,” the captain asks; “why did you need to build two synagogues?” “Oh,” says the Jew, “this is the synagogue I never go to.”

A group of Jews are sitting at a table in a restaurant. The waiter comes up to them and says, "Is anything okay?"
posted by Room 641-A at 2:37 PM on September 29, 2017 [9 favorites]

A guy is hiking through the jungle when he comes across an elephant in incredible pain. The elephant says to him, "Please, Mister. I stepped on a thorn. Could you help me?"

So the man kneels down and carefully, slowly, removes the thorn. The elephant rises to his feet, tears in his eyes, thanks him, and says "I'll never forget you." Then he disappears back into the jungle.

Years later, the man is at the zoo with his kids when he sees an elephant who looks strangely familiar. He looks at the elephant, and the elephant looks back, in a perfect moment of connection.

So the man gestures to his kids to wait, and gets a bit closer to the enclosure. The elephant takes a few steps closer to him. The man goes all the way to the bars guarding the closure and reaches through the bars. The elephant reaches his trunk through, gently touching the man's face, still maintaining eye contact.

The man leans against the bars as close as he can. Just then the elephant wraps his trunk around the man, drags him through the bars of the cage, and begins trampling him.

Fighting for his life, the man yells, "what are you doing?!"

"Look Mister," the elephant says, "I'm not the same elephant."
posted by Mchelly at 2:45 PM on September 29, 2017 [15 favorites]

My favorite Jewish joke is too long to type now but I'll come back and put it here after the holiday if no one beats me to it.
posted by Mchelly at 2:45 PM on September 29, 2017 [3 favorites]

This is the joke that I tell every time anyone asks me to tell a joke:

What's black and white and black and white and black and white?
A nun falling down stairs.
What's black and white and laughing?
The nun who pushed her.

And these are my current favorite pair of jokes:

Why do French people only eat one egg for breakfast?
Because one egg is un oeuf

When did Japanese people start eating eggs?
A long tamago


(So clearly I enjoy casual absurdist violence and multi-language puns about breakfast foods.)
posted by darchildre at 2:45 PM on September 29, 2017 [9 favorites]

I only remember one joke at a time. If tweets are allowed, this is the thing that most recently cracked me up.

PUBLISHER: I hope this is better than your last book idea about a murderer called Hurderer

THOMAS HARRIS: Its about a cannibal

P: Go on
posted by billiebee at 2:51 PM on September 29, 2017 [29 favorites]

This is a favorite joke that got me a job* once:

What's purple and commutes?
An abelian grape!

*working for an actuary with a math PhD, unsurprisingly.
posted by snaw at 2:54 PM on September 29, 2017 [7 favorites]

Joker: How do you get an elephant into Safeway?

Jokee: I don't know, how?

Joker: You take the 's' out of safe and the 'f' out of way.

[long pause as they think about it]

whoever says it first: There's no f in way!

--------

A string walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says "sorry, we don't serve string here". The string heads to the bathroom to cry. Suddenly he looks in the mirror, ties himself into a knot and pulls at his plies to separate them. He goes back out to the bar, sits back down and orders a beer. The bartender gets the beer, and starts to pass it to the string then stops. "Wait a minute. Aren't you a string?" "Nope, frayed knot
posted by freezer cake at 3:02 PM on September 29, 2017 [8 favorites]

*a nun is having a shower, she hears a knock on the door*

Nun: who is it?
Blind man: it's the blind man
Nun: oh, come in!
Blind man: nice tits! Where do you want me to hang the blinds?
posted by Tarumba at 3:16 PM on September 29, 2017 [7 favorites]

Alright. I feel inspired by this thread: Drunk canoeing may soon be legal in Canada

This is an old one, and I've had enough high-ABV U.S. beers to know it's not really true, but why not:

"Why is making love in a canoe the same as American beer?"

"Because both are fucking close to water."
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 3:16 PM on September 29, 2017 [3 favorites]

Two men walk into a bar

(this was situational, IRL climbing onto a sailboat, walked right into the boom (a bar of steel), the guy right behind me that bumped his head did not find my telling the joke amusing, but should have noticed)

Live your yokes kids.
posted by sammyo at 3:18 PM on September 29, 2017 [2 favorites]

A priest, a rabbi, and a doctor walk into a bar.

The bartender looks up at them and says "Is this some kind of joke?"
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 3:20 PM on September 29, 2017 [6 favorites]

"Used sex toy emporium"

Not a good idea.
posted by clavdivs at 3:30 PM on September 29, 2017 [1 favorite]

Well
posted by clavdivs at 3:34 PM on September 29, 2017

Ebenezer Scrooge: [curt and cutting] "These are garments, Mr. Cratchit. Garments were invented by the human race as a protection against the cold. Once purchased, they may be used indefinitely for the purpose for which they are intended. Sex toys burn, sex toying is momentary and sex toys are costly. There will be no more sex toys burned in this office today, is that quite clear, Mr. Cratchit?

Bob Cratchit: Yes, Sir.

Ebenezer Scrooge: Now please get back to work before I am forced to conclude that your services here are no longer required."
posted by clavdivs at 3:36 PM on September 29, 2017

Here's a clumsy translation of one of my favourite jokes...

A zebra has escaped from the zoo, wanders around for a while and ends up on a farm. 'Oh hey!' our hero thinks, 'what's all this then? I should check it out.'
The zebra sees a farm animal, and asks: 'Hello! What are you, and what is it you do here?'
'I'm a chicken' the chicken replies, 'And I lay a nice fresh egg every day'. 'Oh, that's neat.'
There's another animal! 'Hello! What are you, and what is it you do here?'
'I'm a cow, and I give milk.' 'Oh, that's cool.'
And another one. 'Hello! What are you, and what is it you do here?'
'I'm a horse. And I pull the plow and the cart.' 'Oh, that's great.'
Yet another animal... 'Hello! What are you, and what is it you do here?'
*lowest voice you can muster* 'I'm the bull. And... just take off those pyjamas, and you'll see.'
posted by Too-Ticky at 3:43 PM on September 29, 2017 [1 favorite]

Que hace el pez?
Nada.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 3:51 PM on September 29, 2017 [9 favorites]

Because one egg is un oeuf

I had brunch at this new French bistro. Linen tablecloths, snooty waiters, the whole nine yards. The food was fabulous, but I was hungry an hour later. Apparently in France, one egg is un oeuf.
posted by uncleozzy at 3:51 PM on September 29, 2017 [3 favorites]

Did you hear about the corduroy pillows?

They're making headlines!
posted by jenkinsEar at 3:52 PM on September 29, 2017 [11 favorites]

My favorite joke of all time:

Oh you've done it now.

Q: How many elephants can you fit in a Volkswagon?
A: Four. Two in the front & two in the back.

Q: How do you know if an elephant has been in your fridge?
A: His footprints are in the peanut butter.

Q: How do you know if two elephants have been in your fridge?
A: Two sets of footprints.

Q: How do you know if three elephants are in your fridge?
A: It's bulging.

Q: How do you know if there are four elephants in your fridge?
A: There's a Volkswagon parked outside.
posted by scalefree at 3:52 PM on September 29, 2017 [10 favorites]

If you look up into the sky in the fall, you'll often see geese flying south for the winter. They always fly in a formation - sort of a V, with the whole flock following a lead bird. If you look carefully, you'll realize that one leg of the V is always a little longer than the other.

Do you know why that is?




There's more birds on that side.
posted by jenkinsEar at 3:54 PM on September 29, 2017 [25 favorites]

Guy walks into a bar, bartender says "what'll ya have" guy says "I'll have a shingled roof please " bartender says "never heard of it what's in it?" guy says "I dunno but it's on the house."

Canadian seal waddles into a bar bartender says "what'l you have?" seal says "ANYTHING but a Canadian Club on the rocks."

No seals were hurt in posting this joke and this joke does not condone seal-clubbing.
posted by vrakatar at 3:57 PM on September 29, 2017 [4 favorites]

- Why do elephants paint their toe nails red?
- ...?
- So they can hide in a strawberry patch.
*nonplussed look from the jokee because this is not very funny*
- Have you ever seen an elephant in a strawberry patch?
- ... no?
- See? It's working!
posted by Too-Ticky at 3:58 PM on September 29, 2017 [4 favorites]

Roses are red

Ah, we can do those? In that case - a Taliban Valentines:

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
We will ban poetry,
Death to America!
posted by Wordshore at 4:00 PM on September 29, 2017 [4 favorites]

Woman shopper in supermarket: Hi there!
Man shopper: Do you know me?
Woman: I think you're the father of one of my kids!
Man: Are you the stripper from the bachelor party who I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with a stick of wet celery?
Woman: No; I'm your son's teacher.
posted by Wordshore at 4:08 PM on September 29, 2017 [24 favorites]

What do you call an explosive monkey?
A baboom.

Who did King Arthur leave in charge of security?
Sir Veillance.

What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
Aye matey.

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, it's a hardware problem.

What do you call a fake Noodle?
An impasta.

What did the bull say to his son after dropping him off to school?
Bi...son.
posted by Fizz at 4:15 PM on September 29, 2017 [12 favorites]

Me, reading this thread... which reminds of a couple of clips:

- from the most watched film at the UK cinema in 1968
- a moment from Father Ted I still laugh at after many views
posted by Wordshore at 4:30 PM on September 29, 2017 [2 favorites]

This one relies on the listener not just speaking Spanish, but being familiar with the way Quiteños speak it. But I am and I love it.

¿Hay alguna palabra en Español que termina en f?

Nof.
posted by nickmark at 4:31 PM on September 29, 2017 [2 favorites]

I haven't gotten through the entire thread yet, but the James Bond joke literally almost made me snort lemonade. Nice one!

I hate telling jokes to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

Great thread!
posted by Charybdis at 4:35 PM on September 29, 2017 [9 favorites]

Hm. In person, I mostly just tell a lot of puns rather than jokes with setup/punchlines. Make of that what you will.

In terms of joke-jokes, my favorite is probably this one:

Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender walks up to him and says, “Would you care for a drink?"

Descartes replied, “I think not.” and disappears.

(I first heard it on Babylon 5, delivered by Walter Koenig.)
posted by mordax at 4:45 PM on September 29, 2017 [3 favorites]

Sent the joke about the asparagus awning to a friend, and she sent back this.

Aaaaand, my favorite protest sign.
posted by Charybdis at 5:19 PM on September 29, 2017 [3 favorites]

A penguin is having car trouble, so he takes it to a mechanic to check it out. The mechanic tells him it's going to take an hour to figure out the problem, so the penguin decides to go next door to the ice cream parlor. He enjoys a big dish of vanilla ice cream, but doesn't wipe his beak after he's done because he is anxious to get back to the garage. When he gets back, the mechanic is waiting for him with his diagnosis.

"Well, it looks like you blew a seal."

"Nah," says the penguin, "That's just ice cream."
posted by briank at 5:31 PM on September 29, 2017 [13 favorites]

A couple vacationing in Ireland walks into a Dublin pub and orders pints. One half of the couple says to the bartender, "So, what's the best way to get to Galway from here?"

The bartender responds, "Well, that depends. Are you walking or are you driving?"

The visitor says, "Oh, we're driving."

The bartender, with a gleam in his eye, responds, "Aye, that's the best way."
posted by emelenjr at 5:40 PM on September 29, 2017 [14 favorites]

This has been my favorite joke for a very long time.

A farmer has a sick cat so he calls the vet for advice.
The vet mishears the farmer and thinks he said "calf."
"Give it a quart of castor oil and it'll be fine."
Farmer is a little puzzled at this advice but figures the vet knows best.

About a week later, the farmer is walking downtown and sees the vet.
Vet says, "so how's that sick calf?"
"Calf? That wasn't a calf, it was a cat!"
"OMG! What happened to the cat?"

"Well, last I saw of it, it was running over the hills with five other cats:
two were digging, two were covering up, and one was scouting for new territory."
posted by MovableBookLady at 6:04 PM on September 29, 2017 [5 favorites]

A squirrel is eating some nuts in a pine tree, and is disrupted by the tree's sudden heavy shaking. He looks down and sees that it's an elephant climbing the tree. The squirrel, perturbed, asks, "What are you doing?!," and the elephant replies, "I just came up here to eat some pears."

The squirrel angrily shouts, "You idiot! This is a pine tree! There aren't any pears up here."

The elephant says, "I know. I brought my own."

(My sister got me a pear necklace because I laughed so hard the first time I told that joke after I heard it.)
posted by shortyJBot at 6:22 PM on September 29, 2017 [36 favorites]

During or soon after Contragate, Pres. Reagan was treated for skin cancer, which led to, "If Reagan is telling the truth, why do they have to keep cutting off parts of his nose?"
posted by Bruce H. at 6:46 PM on September 29, 2017 [1 favorite]

"A whale walks into a bar, and he says to the bartender" *makes loud whale noises until someone makes him stop or he gives up*

"A walrus walks into a bar, and he says to the bartender" *makes loud walrus noises until someone makes him stop or he gives up*

If the people I'm telling the joke to have heard me tell it before, they may try to wait me out. My record is one hour and three minutes of continuous walrus noises before someone threw a pillow at me.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 6:46 PM on September 29, 2017 [17 favorites]

Oh, wait, I know another joke! When you tell this joke it helps if you have a reputation as a bit of a nature nerd, if not an actual nature pedant.

*points at the sky* "Hey look, geese flying south for the winter. You know how they always fly in a V like that? I'm sure you already know that it's to save energy by allowing most of the geese to fly in another goose's slipstream. They actually take turns being the lead goose, sharing the effort of being the one to break the air. But you see how it's never a perfect V? One leg of the V is always longer than the other. Do you know why that is?"

"No, but I'm sure you're going to tell me."

*beat*

*beat*

"It's because there's more geese in it!"
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 6:51 PM on September 29, 2017 [2 favorites]

Two rural ne'er do wells stole a prize boar hog from a prosperous farmer. The theft was soon discovered and an all points bulletin was issued. The thieves crest a hill and see a police roadblock ahead. They stop, put a jacket on the hog and wrestle him into the cab of the pickup sitting between them, then proceed to the roadblock.

When they stop and roll down the window, the police ask the driver for his name. Duncan McCauley. Then the passenger. Preston McCauley. Then the hog. Oink. The police wave them through. One officer turns to the other and says, You know, I believe that Oink McCauley is the homeliest man I've ever seen.
posted by Bruce H. at 6:53 PM on September 29, 2017 [5 favorites]

The joke of this video is absolutely one of my favorite things in the world and I laugh and laugh and laugh every time I watch it.

(Also, hey Anticipation, the "The" at the end of your user names makes me giggle every time I re-notice it. I don't know if that's what you meant, but I find it quite humorous.)
posted by barchan at 6:58 PM on September 29, 2017 [4 favorites]

A vulture is carrying the carcass of a zebra through an airport terminal. He approaches the ticket counter and buys a ticket back to Africa. The airline rep behind the counter asks if he would like to check in his dead zebra.

"No," the vulture replies, "This is carrion"
posted by AndrewStephens at 7:06 PM on September 29, 2017 [13 favorites]

I haven’t read the thread. Forgive me if these have been told already.

A couple nerd jokes:

Q) What does the “B” stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot?
A) Benoit B. Mandelbrot

I also have a whole finch of Fibonacci jokes. Each one is as good as the previous two combined.
posted by bondcliff at 7:06 PM on September 29, 2017 [40 favorites]

Two nuns are bicycling through Rome to visit St. Peter's Basilica.
First nun says, "You know, I've never come this way before."
Second nun nods and says, "It's the cobbles."

My mom died five years ago next month, and about the only regret I've had in all this time is that I will not have a chance to share this joke with her. She would have loved it. She denied it, but she had a love of off-color humor, including her own. I remember when my brother got married 7 or 8 years ago, I went looking for my mom at the bridal shower and found her at a table full of elderly relatives of the bride, who she had in stitches with some hilarious disquisition on boobs. It was one of the things I liked best about her, and something we shared in a relationship that was, to say the least, difficult.
posted by Orlop at 7:10 PM on September 29, 2017 [16 favorites]

barchan, I didn't make it up! It's written that way in Excession, one of the late Iain M. Banks' Culture novels, which are a soft-SF series about a luxury communist pan-human space utopia run mainly by benevolent, hyperintelligent starships. Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The is one of the starships. They all have silly and sometimes poignant or apropos names; there are at least half a dozen of us around on MeFi.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 7:56 PM on September 29, 2017 [8 favorites]

Wow, I haven't read any of those, I'll have to now! Thanks so much! And how much fun to look for the other names afterward, yay!
posted by barchan at 8:01 PM on September 29, 2017

There are ten of them, have fun! However in my personal opinion the very first one by publication order is the least good. They are all stand-alone novels though and are generally set hundreds of years apart and in different parts of the galaxy from each other, so you can feel free to start anywhere. If you want a taste of what you're in for plus some background world-building type info on the setting and general philosophy behind the books, you may enjoy Banks' essay A Few Notes on the Culture!
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 8:08 PM on September 29, 2017 [3 favorites]

A thing that I enjoy doing to birdwatchers of my acquaintance is pointing to any old pigeon and saying excitedly "Look, a rock dove!" It usually takes a second, unless I've done it to them before.

a rock dove is a pigeon and most birdwatchers remember that eventually


Still proud of myself for making this one up:

You know how I have two cats, and they're black and white, and they look like they're wearing little tuxedos? Well, they also fight absolutely all the time, and after thirteen years I finally realized why.

They're tuxedo cats. They have spats.


Every word of that is true, too.
posted by Rush-That-Speaks at 8:18 PM on September 29, 2017 [29 favorites]

Why do the Norwegians put bar codes on their submarines?

So when they come back to port they can scan the navy in.
posted by bendy at 8:33 PM on September 29, 2017 [15 favorites]

So little Dirty Ernie is in his 1st grade class. His teacher is working with the students on the alphabet, spelling and vocabulary. They are beginning to play a game. The teacher is going through the alphabet asking students to raise their hand if they have a word that begins with that letter. Teacher starts with A (natch). Dirty Ernie's hand pops up. Teacher thinks to herself, "Nope, he will say asshole." She calls on Mary who says, "Apple." B is called and again Dirty Ernie's hand goes shooting up. Again, she nopes out thinking he will say bitch. C. Definitely not C. She is not going to let Dirty Ernie say the C word. It goes on for a while. D, no. F comes up and Ernie's arm almost dislocates from his shoulder he is so anxious to answer. She keeps going through the alphabet and passing over Dirty Ernie. P comes up, no way. Penis is not an acceptable word in her class. R. Ernie's hand goes up tentatively. He has noticed that she is not calling on him. The whole class has noticed. Almost every student has answered by now. She is going to have to let Ernie answer soon and S is coming up next and that is a non-starter. She thinks about it and can come up with nothing for R. "Ok, Ernie, you have waited patiently. I appreciate that. Do you have a word that begins with an R?" "Yes Miss Crabtree, a rat. A big FUCKING rat."
posted by AugustWest at 8:37 PM on September 29, 2017 [2 favorites]

Rush-That-Speaks: "
Still proud of myself for making this one up:

You know how I have two cats, and they're black and white, and they look like they're wearing little tuxedos? Well, they also fight absolutely all the time, and after thirteen years I finally realized why.

They're tuxedo cats. They have spats.


Every word of that is true, too."

Dressed to kill?
posted by AugustWest at 8:39 PM on September 29, 2017 [3 favorites]

Heard this one when I was living in Chicago trading on one of the Exchanges.

Two traders are walking down the street heading to the train station and home. They are catching each other up on their lives. One trader says to the other, "Oh, I almost forgot to tell you, I got a dog for my wife." The other trader, without missing a beat, replies, "Nice trade."
posted by AugustWest at 8:42 PM on September 29, 2017 [8 favorites]

A flying saucer lands in front of a delicatessen. Two aliens get out. They walk up to the deli counter. One of them points to a bagel and says "I'd like one of those spaceship wheels there."

The clerk says "you mean a bagel?"

The alien says "look pal, I've been a professional spaceship pilot for a long time. I think I know a spaceship wheel when I see one."

The clerk says "no, those are bagels! They're food, you eat them."

The alien says "maybe 'bagel' is your word for them, but they're spaceship wheels, and I need one. We've blown ours, it's been a long day, and I juts want to get my spaceship wheel so we can fly out of here."

The clerk says "no, no, they're bagels! Look, I'll give you one. Just take a bite, and you'll see that it's food!"

The alien takes the bagel, looks at it, and takes a bite. "Hey, these would go great with lox!"
posted by shapes that haunt the dusk at 9:04 PM on September 29, 2017 [8 favorites]

My favorite joke is a Japanese word pun:

What is a pandas favorite food?

pan da (or it's bread).

I also like what do you call a cat in a blanket?

A purritto.
posted by AlexiaSky at 9:40 PM on September 29, 2017 [3 favorites]

A man is waiting for the bus. A bus pulls up to the stop, and the man asks the driver if the bus goes to the city plaza. The driver replies "Not this one. 25 goes to the plaza." The waiting man thanks the driver, who closes the doors and drives off.

The next day, that same driver pulls up to that same bus stop, only to find the man from the day before still standing there. "You're still here?!" the driver says incredulously. The man waves him off. "Go on, go on. You're 23. I just need two more."

An elderly Spanish gentleman shared this joke with me at a bus stop just outside Zamora. I'm not fluent, so he told it twice, repeating the punchline -- "¡Me falta dos mas!" -- with infectious aplomb after I finally got it the second time. You could just tell he'd told this joke to all his children and grandchildren and was delighted to find a random youngster who'd never heard it before, and man, I love this dad joke beyond reason.
posted by Fish, fish, are you doing your duty? at 10:01 PM on September 29, 2017 [12 favorites]

Cop: “Why did you steal this car?”
Driver: “I had to get to work.”
Cop: “Why didn’t you just take the bus?”
Driver: I don’t have a commercial license.
posted by a humble nudibranch at 11:50 PM on September 29, 2017 [25 favorites]

Not my joke, but it is my current favourite:
What does the meth addict say on Hallowe'en?
..
..
..
Only two more sleeps to Christmas!
posted by birdsquared at 12:26 AM on September 30, 2017 [8 favorites]

Two favorites:

A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days in the air force.

"In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared."

Several of the children giggle at this.

"I looked up, and right above me was one of them. I aimed at him and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me."

Now, all the children begin to laugh. The teacher stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company."

"That's true," says the pilot, "but these fokkers were flying Messerschmitts."

- - -

A Scotsman stumbles out of a bar and starts walking down the road to his house. Too drunk to make it there, he lies down on the side of the road and passes out.

A woman is walking home and spots him there. She says to herself, "I wonder what he's hiding underneath that kilt." Looking around to make sure that no one sees her, she takes a peek and finds nothing but what nature provided the man. After she's had her giggles, she thinks, "I should do something to let him know that I was here."

She takes the blue ribbon from her hair and ties it around his privates. Then she returns the kilt to its original position and heads for home.

The next morning the Scotsman wakes up and feels something funny under his kilt. He takes a look and says, "Well, me lad! I dinna know where ye've been, but ye've won first prize!"
posted by bryon at 1:31 AM on September 30, 2017 [19 favorites]

This ancient bit from Richard Lewis is always relevant:

If I wrote a sex manual it would be called "Ow, You're On My Hair."
posted by Room 641-A at 2:38 AM on September 30, 2017 [1 favorite]

Some random late night silliness.

A dog with only 3 legs walks into a bar, say to the bartender: "I'm looking for the man that shot my paw."

A horse walk into a bar, orders a beer.
The bartender says "Hey, what's with the long face?"

"Want to hear the best knock knock joke ever?"
"Okay."
"You start."
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"................"
posted by Phlegmco(tm) at 2:52 AM on September 30, 2017 [2 favorites]

A police officer spots a guy driving around in his convertible, with two penguins on the back seat. She stops him and asks what's up with the penguins being in his car. The man says 'Officer, I don't know. They were in my car when I got out of the store, and I'm not sure what to do.' 'Well, you should take them to the zoo then.' 'Thank you, that's a good idea, I'm on it.' And he drives away.

Some hours later, she sees the same car and the same driver, and the penguins are still in the back seat but now they are wearing sunglasses. She stops him and says in a stern voice, 'What's this? Didn't I tell you to take those penguins to the zoo?' He replies, 'Officer, I did, it was very nice and now we're heading for the beach.'
posted by Too-Ticky at 3:00 AM on September 30, 2017 [17 favorites]

I bought some high quality socks last winter, on Christmas day I was at a friends house, a few other friends there. I was bragging on my new socks, and told them all about the socks, how that even though they are very high quality they are different from other socks, and the manufacturer recommends spending time learning how to walk in them safely, to prevent falling down. I explained this to my friends, told them that I'd been doing it, that I'd been practicing safe socks.*
*Even this one friend who is so quiet you scarcely know he's conscious laughed his ass off; I really got them. As always, an absolute poker face is needed.

I enjoy being in a grocery store, in the cereal aisle, and a manager maybe will walk by and I'll say "Sir! Sir, you need to know this. He'll come walking over, ready to help, I hold up the box and say "Feel this box." and he does. And I say "It's not hot." Long pause -- the sign says 'Hot Cereal.' and now we're looking at one another, he's like "WTFucking Fuck?" Again, a complete poker face is needed. There is a period of maybe 3-5 seconds where they guy is looking at me, wondering if this can really be some totally insane person or if I'm pulling his leg. It's just a lot of fun. For me, I mean.

~~~~~

So there's a bear in the woods, talking to a rabbit whilst taking a dump. The bear says "God, don't you hate it when shit sticks to your fur?" The rabbit says "I'm different; shit doesn't stick to my fur." The bear says "Great!" and picks up the rabbit and wipes his butt with it.

~~~~~

Bear walks into a bar, orders a beer, throws some bills on the bar and the bar-keep thinks "There's no way this bear know about money, I'm gonna charge him 8 bucks for that beer."

So now the bear is drinking his beer. the barkeep comes over and says "You know, we don't see many bears in here." The bear says "At 8 bucks for a beer, I can understand why."

~~~~~

The divorce is over, the couple, still friendly, are having lunch together. The ex-husband says "Little Tommy doesn't look at all like our other kids, he's blond and blue-eyed and fair-skinned while the other kids all have dark hair, brown eyes, light sprinkles of freckles, and olive skin. So I know that Little Tommy has a different father from the rest of the kids. We're divorced now, I'm just wondering: Who is Little Tommy's father?" The ex-wife says "Oh, I just don't want to say." but the ex-husband really did want to know, and he presses her, so she told him, she says "Well, you *are* right, the children do have different parents. Little Tommy is your child.

~~~~~

Starkle starkle, little twink
What the heck you am I think?
Up above the world so high
Sortof like a big goddamn flashlight, ya know?

~~~~~

A guy walks into a bar. Next time, he walked around it.
posted by dancestoblue at 3:30 AM on September 30, 2017 [4 favorites]

The best dirty joke of all time, which I have adapted here before at least once:

What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

(the expected response - "they're the same thing!")

Oh yeah? You ever had a garbanzo bean on your face?
posted by yhbc at 4:31 AM on September 30, 2017 [8 favorites]

Barchan - if you like that Jurassic park video, you'll probably like Shittyflute. There's a whole series of 'em!
posted by moonmilk at 5:11 AM on September 30, 2017 [2 favorites]

shittyflute previously on metafilter
posted by moonmilk at 5:14 AM on September 30, 2017 [2 favorites]

My brain is constantly doing terrible jokes in the background, which is very distracting, especially early in the morning when I've little else to think about. Twitter has been a blessing, because I can get them out of my system and people can just ignore them. For example, from yesterday:

Ragnarok: the twilight of the gods. Easily confused with Rag-in-a-rock. Which is a rock. With a rag in it.

posted by Grangousier at 5:39 AM on September 30, 2017 [1 favorite]

Two nuns are bicycling through Rome to visit St. Peter's Basilica.
First nun says, "You know, I've never come this way before."
Second nun nods and says, "It's the cobbles."

I like that joke so much I actually told it in my dream last night.
posted by nickmark at 6:20 AM on September 30, 2017 [13 favorites]

My favorite is a total kid joke that I’m sure everyone’s heard a million times, but I still find hilarious:

What’s brown and sticky?

A stick.

Also, how are a banjo and a murder investigation the same?

Everyone’s happy when the case is closed.
posted by crumbly at 6:32 AM on September 30, 2017 [10 favorites]

One of my childhood favorites, from my uncle:

How do you catch an elephant?

Go deep in the forest, and dig a big hole, big enough to fit an elephant. Then, gather some wood and start a fire in the pit. Make sure it's enough wood to make a thick layer of ashes, so the elephant doesn't get hurt when he falls in. While the fire is burning down, line the outside of the hole with peas. Then, when an elephant comes to take a pea, kick him in the ash hole.
posted by Fig at 7:41 AM on September 30, 2017 [4 favorites]

This is a comic, but it has the funniest joke. This is exactly the kind of joke I like.
posted by Frowner at 7:52 AM on September 30, 2017 [10 favorites]

A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days in the air force.

Not just any pilot. That story, probably quite true, belongs to RAF ace pilot Group Captain Sir Douglas Robert Steuart Bader, CBE, DSO & Bar, DFC & Bar, FRAeS, DL, a man with a truly astonishing life story. Joined the RAF in between the wars & lost both his legs in a failed aerial stunt, taught himself to fly again without his legs, rejoined the RAF & went on to rack up more than 20 kills in the Battles of France & Britain, get shot down over occupied France & make several escape attempts including one with bedsheets from a hospital window. After the war he was frequently asked to tour English schools & speak to the children; he did have a command of curses & occasionally let fly to the horror of the schoolmarms.
posted by scalefree at 7:56 AM on September 30, 2017 [9 favorites]

I think I heard this one on Prairie Home Companion about a million years ago.

A cowboy, arriving in town, spots a marshal fixing to hang a man. Asks a guy: "who's that about to hang?"
"That's Brown Bag Bob up on that scaffold."
"Brown Bag Bob? As in bags you carry your provisions in?"
"A-yup, his shirt is cut from brown bags, his coat and pants too- and his hat and socks and cravat! All brown bags!"
"What's Bob hanging for?"
"Rustling."

posted by moonmilk at 8:00 AM on September 30, 2017 [11 favorites]

An old Frank and Earnest cartoon: standing in the bathroom, one says "hey, you have a talking scale!". The other says "No, the bathtub's a ventrilouist".

---

The night before the last time I had surgery, I read a Metafilter thread that had this joke. As I was being prepped, in the final moments before the anesthesia took hold, I told it to the surgical team.

"What's brown and rhymes with snoop?". One of the very young people in attendance said "uh...poop?". I said "no, Dr. Dre". The last thing I remember was the anesthesiologist laughing.
posted by Gorgik at 9:25 AM on September 30, 2017 [21 favorites]

These vampires walk into a bar...

The first one says "I'll have a pint of blood."
The second one says "I'll have one too."
The third one says " I'll have a pint of plasma."

The bartender says "So that'll be two bloods and a blood lite?"
posted by pjern at 10:23 AM on September 30, 2017 [7 favorites]

This is pretty much my only joke.
posted by Aya Hirano on the Astral Plane at 11:26 AM on September 30, 2017 [1 favorite]

Also, how are a banjo and a murder investigation the same?

Everyone’s happy when the case is closed.

What's the difference between an onion and a banjo?

Nobody cries when a banjo gets cut up.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 11:36 AM on September 30, 2017 [1 favorite]

What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you?

Nacho cheese.
posted by minsies at 11:42 AM on September 30, 2017 [3 favorites]

Bryon, that Scotsman joke was my mother's favorite! And told exactly the same way, too.
posted by MovableBookLady at 11:42 AM on September 30, 2017 [1 favorite]

Two nuns are bicycling through Rome to visit St. Peter's Basilica.
First nun says, "You know, I've never come this way before."
Second nun nods and says, "It's the cobbles."

Reminds me of:
Two nuns are sitting in a large bathtub having their weekly wash.
First nun says, "Where's the soap?"
Second nun nods and says, "It does, doesn't it"
posted by Rumple at 12:22 PM on September 30, 2017 [3 favorites]

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind.

The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers don't react, thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly down the runway and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"
posted by standardasparagus at 12:46 PM on September 30, 2017 [5 favorites]

This is my favorite Jewish self-hating joke:

You know that play, "For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When The Rainbow Is Enuf"? Well, there's a new version coming out: "For Jewish Girls Who Have Considered Psychoanalysis When Electrolysis Is Enough."

And here's my favorite misogynistic joke:

"How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?"

"I don't know, how many?"

"WHAT THE HELL IS IT ANY OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS???????????"

(Signed, Jewish female psychologist)
posted by DMelanogaster at 1:01 PM on September 30, 2017 [3 favorites]

There's a man heading into a pub, and a nun grabs his arm and stops him at the door. "Don't go in there!", she shouts. "Whatever you do, don't go in there!"
"????" says the man.
"They serve alcohol in there!" says the nun.
"Well, yes," says the man. "That's why I'm going."
"But don't you see!" says the nun, "drink will ruin your life!"
"Look, I'm getting one drink. I'm not an alcoholic."
"Ahhhhhh, you think that," says the nun, "you think that now. But once you've tasted it, even just a sip, it'll be too late!"
"What? No it won't," says the man, "that's not how it works."
"IT IS TOO!" says the nun.
"But look at all those people in there," says the man, pointing through the window into the pub. "They're drinking and they're just laughing and talking to their friends and reading newspapers. They haven't turned into violent alcoholics, have they?"
"yes but well um... I don't know but THEY PROBABLY WILL IN A MINUTE!" says the nun.

So they go back and forth like this for a while, and eventually the nun admits that she doesn't really know much about alcohol at all, other than that it's bad. She's spent most of her life in a very restrictive order where drink isn't allowed. She always believed that just one sip would ruin your life, but she does have to sheepishly admit that she might, possibly, be wrong about this. But she's still not sure...

"Look," says the man, "I'll prove it. I bet that if you had a drink yourself, you'll be totally fine. Just the same person you were before. Why don't you come into the pub and have a drink with me?"
"Oh, I couldn't!" says the nun. "I could never step foot in a house of depravity!"
"Riiiiiight," says the man. "How about I bring you a drink out, then?"
"Well..." says the nun. "But... I don't know..."
"Oh go on," says the man.
"I don't know... what do ladies usually drink?"
"Well, my girlfriend likes a gin and tonic," says the man.
So the nun takes a deep breath and says, "All right. I will try a 'gin and tonic'. But, sir, please ask them to put in a teacup when you bring it out - I would be so ashamed if any of the others saw me drinking alcohol!"

So the man goes into the pub and says "Pint of Guinness, please, and a gin and tonic in a teacup."
And the barmaid says, "It's that bloody nun again, isn't it?"
posted by Catseye at 1:08 PM on September 30, 2017 [28 favorites]

Two people stand on top of a 4 story building. One is holding a PC and the other is holding a Mac.

When the coast is clear, the person with the PC throws it off the roof to the street below. As the PC smashes to bits, the person yells, "Good riddance you slow, buggy, virus-ridden, fucking piece of shit."

Then the person with the Mac throws it off the roof. The Mac hits the street and shatters. The person breaks into tears and sobs uncontrollably.
posted by a humble nudibranch at 1:37 PM on September 30, 2017 [3 favorites]

A nursery opened in a small city. It was run by monks who had been working to create unique breeds of plants through interbreeding for centuries, and they were finally willing to share the benefits of their developments with the general public.

It took a while before their shop was noticed, but it soon began to attract some decent foot traffic. Customers would wander in and out of the show, sometimes buying something, but always impressed by the new plants they saw. Word of mouth spread.

One day a young lad, maybe 11 or 12 came in, and he went up to the counter. "My mother's birthday is coming up, I'd like something special to give to her". The monk at the counter responded, "I'll go in the back and see if there's anything there, why don't you look around and see if you notice anything. But whatever you do, don't go into that far corner over there. Those plants aren't ready to buy."

The young lad wandered around the store for a while, seeing a few unique things that he might want to buy, but he forgot the warning and wandered into that far corner over there, and one of the giant blossoms suddenly bent down and *fwoomp* the lad was gone.

The next day, a man walked into the shop and came up to the counter and asked, "I've nearly forgotten our anniversary and I need something really special to take to my wife". The monk at the counter said "I'll go in the back and see if there's anything there, why don't you look around and see if you notice anything. But whatever you do, don't go into that far corner over there. Those plants aren't ready to buy."

The man walked around the shop and didn't really find anything that he felt was special enough to take home to make up for his nearly forgetting the anniversary. His curiosity kept telling him he might find something in the far corner and when he walked over to that area one of the the giant blossoms suddenly bent down and *fwoomp* the man was gone.

The next day, a little old lady came into the shop and went to the counter. "I'm going to tea at a friend's house, and I'd like something unique to bring to my host." The monk at the counter said "I'll go in the back and see if there's anything there, why don't you look around and see if you notice anything. But whatever you do, don't go into that far corner over there. Those plants aren't ready to buy."

The little old lady looked around the shop and picked out a card and a vase, but she soon forgot the monk's warning and ended up in the far corner of the shop and suddenly "fwoomp" the little old lady was gone.

By this time, the news and the police and the community had begun to connect the dots and there was a huge rally wherein someone was going to be chosen to drive these dangerous new proprietors out of town.

Someone stood up and said "I nominate Joe. Joe has been a stalwart in this community for decades and if anyone has the social influence to drive this shop out, it would be him"!

Another person stood up and said "I say Jane should do it. Jane has been able to twist everyone around her little finger here for years because of her charming manner and good looks, and if anyone can convince this shop to leave, it is her".

A small child, maybe 8 years old, stood up and said "I nominate Hugh". And then sat back down again.

Everyone stared at this kid. "Hugh? What makes you think this Hugh, whoever he is, can help with this problem?"

The child stood up again and declared loudly, "Well, only Hugh can prevent florist friars!"
posted by hippybear at 1:44 PM on September 30, 2017 [8 favorites]

Here is another anti-Semitic joke, told to me (Jewish) by my dentist (Jewish):

A Catholic man cannot get an erection. His wife is terribly unsatisfied. He asks her, "What can I do to make myself more sexually appealing to you?" She says, "Buy Viagra!"

A Jewish man cannot get an erection. His wife is terribly unsatisfied. He asks her, "What can I do to make myself more sexually appealing to you?" She says, "Buy Pfizer!"
posted by DMelanogaster at 1:45 PM on September 30, 2017 [2 favorites]

Three prisoners in Siberia are sitting together and they get to talking about why they were deported. The first one says, "I always get to the factory five minutes late, so they charged me with sabotage." The second one throws up bus hands and says, "But I'm here because I arrived five minutes early, they accused me of spying!" The third one sighs and looks even more depressed. "Why are you here?" they ask. Finally, he says, "I got to the factory on time, every day, and then they found out I owned a Western watch."
posted by corb at 1:47 PM on September 30, 2017 [9 favorites]

My brother in law, at family Christmas a few years ago: Hey, do you have any supdog?

Expected response: What's "supdog"?

(and so on)

My grandpa's response, immediately derailing the intended joke: WHY WOULD I NEED ANY GODDAMN SIPPITY SUPDOG?! (turns back to television)
posted by easy, lucky, free at 2:34 PM on September 30, 2017 [18 favorites]

An old friend used to run a small used bookstore is what was the warehouse district, which was becoming a club district, as the downtown slowly gentrified. The guy, my friend is very cross-eyed & when he focuses in on you, it’s with one eye, & a bit disconcerting until you get used to it. He was manning the cash register one Saturday night about 9:30 when a sobbing guy in distress came in & said “My boyfriend just dumped me down here at the club next door, I’m lost & freaking out. Can you please call me a cab?” My crosseyed friend leaned over the counter a bit, looked him in the eye real close, & in his calm, deep voice said “You’re a cab.” The crying guy screamed & ran back out of the bookstore.

Really, he was trying a little levity to help diffuse sobbing-guy’s emotional state, and it obviously backfired in a major way, but we pretty much fell on our asses laughing at the whole tableaux.
posted by Devils Rancher at 2:48 PM on September 30, 2017 [12 favorites]

The best dirty joke of all time, which I have adapted here before at least once:

What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

Preznit Trump has never paid to have a garbanzo bean on him ?
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 3:26 PM on September 30, 2017 [5 favorites]

I copied this text from a website, but this is the gist of my joke, which I first heard on a radio morning show. People like it better if you embellish the male candidates' responses.

**

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes."I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. The the agents heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.

She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
posted by radicalawyer at 3:43 PM on September 30, 2017 [20 favorites]

hate to do a re-run, but my kid made this joke up for me for Father's Day and it's still my fave:

-Knock knock
-Who's there?
-Maya Hee Maya.
-Maya Hee Maya who?
-MAY HEE! MAYA HOO! MAYA HO! MAYA HA HA!
posted by DirtyOldTown at 4:15 PM on September 30, 2017 [12 favorites]

Invented by my six year old at dinner this evening:

What do you get when you do surgery on a ketchup bottle?

Tomato droppings.
posted by nickmark at 4:31 PM on September 30, 2017 [1 favorite]

Similar to one by Room 641-A above:

It seems there was this leftist who was marooned alone on a deserted island for ten years. Finally he was rescued by a passing ship. The
captain of the ship noticed that the leftist had built three huts on the island. He asked the leftist, "What is that hut over there?"

The leftist replied, "That's my home."

The captain then asked, "How about that hut, what's that one?"

The leftist replied, "Well, that's a meeting hall for that I built for the socialist club I organized."

The captain then asked, "What is the third hut for?"

The leftist answered, "Well, that's the socialist club I USED to belong to before I formed a faction."
posted by maurice at 5:08 PM on September 30, 2017 [6 favorites]

What does the meth addict say on Hallowe'en?

I have already told this joke 3 times today and I will tell it to most of my colleagues on Monday. It is so appropriate for my workplace!
posted by Sophie1 at 5:14 PM on September 30, 2017

Similar thread here, with a nice derail into "How many mefites does it take to screw in a lightbulb?"
posted by TedW at 5:52 PM on September 30, 2017

Well, my current favorite, i.e., the turtle riding snail, has already been told, so I'll go with a couple of former favorites. Considering my kids' reaction to both, I guess I should offer apologies in advance re my lame sense of humor.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back when you throw it?

A stick

Supposedly, the author of this joke is child, which makes it especially funny.

What did the farmer say when he open the barn door and found his tractor was missing.

Where's my tractor??!

(I swear to god I used to have a sharp sense of humor, knew a handful of really, really funny jokes. I don't know what happened, but I blame Trump.)
posted by she's not there at 6:23 PM on September 30, 2017 [5 favorites]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To show the deer* how it's done.


*Raccoon, skunk, i.e., whatever makes up roadkill in your neighborhood.
posted by she's not there at 6:41 PM on September 30, 2017 [2 favorites]

Once upon a time, there was a man who wanted to build a house. But, being a little eccentric, he wanted to build the house using only 99 bricks. So he went to the hardware store and said, "Hello, I'd like to buy 99 bricks."

The owner of the store told him, "I'm sorry, we only sell bricks in quantities of 100."

"Can't you cut me a deal or something?" the man asked.

"Nope, sorry," replied the owner. So the guy bought 100 bricks.

He took the bricks back to his lot, and he built a house using 99 bricks. Now, if you do the math, 100 minus 99 is 1, so he had one brick left. And he took that brick, and he just chucked it, way up in the air!
posted by Spathe Cadet at 6:49 PM on September 30, 2017 [5 favorites]

I heard this joke over 40 years ago and I still remember it - so it must be good . . . right?

There was once a brilliant scientist who decided he could come up with twice as many brilliant ideas if he cloned himself, so that's exactly what he did. He was right, the clone was equally brilliant but there was one important difference between the two scientists: the original was a bit of a prude and the clone had a foul mouth. The original was deeply troubled by his clone's language and finally decided that he couldn't take it any more. So he invited the clone to join him on a scenic drive in the mountains and when they got out of the car at a deserted lookout point, the original shoved his clone over the edge and the clone fell to his death.

Unbeknownst to the scientist, a deputy sheriff had observed the dastardly deed and swooped in to make an arrest. The scientist protested and said, "Let me explain! That was my clone; I created him, so I have the right to destroy him. While he was brilliant, like me, he swore like a sailor. The world is better off without him." While the scientist prattled on, the deputy searched through his code book looking for something - anything he could use to arrest the uptight prig of a scientist who clearly had a god complex. "Ah-ha" shouted the deputy, " I'm placing you under arrest!" "On what charge?" demanded the scientist. "For making an obscene clone fall."
posted by kbar1 at 8:06 PM on September 30, 2017 [9 favorites]

If you look up into the sky in the fall, you'll often see geese flying south for the winter. They always fly in a formation - sort of a V...

Oh man, my daughter actually got me with this one while we were standing outside watching some geese fly over last year.
posted by Devils Rancher at 8:21 PM on September 30, 2017

Is any room on this thread for an "I don't get it"?

He took the bricks back to his lot, and he built a house using 99 bricks. Now, if you do the math, 100 minus 99 is 1, so he had one brick left. And he took that brick, and he just chucked it, way up in the air!

I don't get it :(
posted by daybeforetheday at 8:28 PM on September 30, 2017 [1 favorite]

You will. Give it time.
posted by Spathe Cadet at 8:31 PM on September 30, 2017 [7 favorites]

Have you heard of Murphy's Law?
Yes, anything can go wrong will go wrong
What's about Cole's law?
No
It's a thin-slice cabbage dripped in mayonnaise and sour cream

***

A termite walks into the bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

***

They say you should test your fire alarm once a month. But it's costing me a fortune in houses.
posted by daybeforetheday at 8:33 PM on September 30, 2017 [9 favorites]

Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?

Because if it had four it'd be a chicken sedan.
posted by Tuba Toothpaste at 8:36 PM on September 30, 2017 [12 favorites]

Okay, my favorite Jewish joke (apologies in advance):

Sean O'Reilly misses his tee time one day. He loves golf more than anything in life, and asks if he can get another time. They tell him there's nothing available, but there's a threesome of Orthodox rabbis who might be willing to add a fourth to their game. They agree, and he's happy to join them. The game starts, and hole for hole, shot for shot, these religious guys are blowing him out of the water. Everything well below par, many holes in one - any one of them could have won the PGA with the rounds they were hitting. So at the end of the game, he asks them: What's your secret?

The rabbis say that as Jews, they go to shul (synagogue) to pray three times a day. And in each prayer service there is a special prayer, called the sh'monah esrai where you can ask God personal requests. So when they say this prayer, they always ask for a good golf game. And so far - praise G-d - it works.

That night Sean announces to his wife that he is converting to Judaism. He studies for years, learns Hebrew and Aramaic, starts keeping kosher and the sabbath and praying every day, joins a shul, gets circumcised, and finally makes the conversion. That week he invites the rabbis out for a round of golf.

The three rabbis play spectacularly, as always. But Shlomo (once Sean) can't seem to do any better than he always does. He's fine, but he's no Tiger Woods. So he asks the rabbis, "What did I do wrong?"

The rabbis ask him, "You converted to Judaism?"
Shlomo says, "I converted to Judaism."
"You pray every day?"
Shlomo says, "Yes, every day."
The rabbis ask, "Three times a day?"
Shlomo says, "Yes, 3 times a day."
"And you say the whole sh'monah esrai every time, and make your request?"
"Yes!"
The rabbis consider. Finally one speaks. "What shul did you join?"
Shlomo says "Sharei Tefilah."
"Oh No!!!" The rabbis all respond. "You idiot! Sharei Tefilah's for tennis!!!"
posted by Mchelly at 8:45 PM on September 30, 2017 [6 favorites]

What’s the difference between a banjo & a trampoline?

You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

~~~

How do you know there’s a singer at the door?

He can’t find the key & doesn’t know when to come in.

~~~

What’s perfect pitch?

When you toss the banjo in the dumpster & it lands right on the accordion.

~~~

How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?

10 - one to change the bulb & nine more to stand around with their arms folded, muttering “I could do that better.”

~~~

Did you hear about the drummer who locked his keys in the car?

It took him four hours to get the bass player out.

~~~

An accordion player got home late & tired from a gig one night & forgot his accordion in the back seat.

In the morning, it was quite a scene — his windows had been smashed out & four more accordions had been thrown in.

~~~

How can you tell if the stage is level?

The drummer drools out of both sides of his mouth.

~~~

Do you know the definition of a gentleman?

He knows how to play the accordion, but chooses not to.
posted by Devils Rancher at 8:54 PM on September 30, 2017 [16 favorites]

What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison?







You can't wash your hands in a buffalo.
posted by motty at 8:57 PM on September 30, 2017 [1 favorite]

in the vein of the other banjo jokes:
What do you call a pretty girl on the arm of a banjo player?
------------
A tattoo

And in the vein of snail jokes:
A man is sitting in his living room watching TV one evening when the doorbell rings. He goes to the door and opens it, but no one is there. Looking down, however, he notices a snail on his doormat. "Effing snails" he mutters, as he picks the snail up and tosses it across the road.

2 years later, the man is sitting in his living room, watching TV again, and the doorbell rings. He opens the door, and sees a snail on the doormat. The snail says "What the fuck was that all about?"
posted by gorbichov at 9:20 PM on September 30, 2017 [12 favorites]

I'll give this one first in the original Latin.*

Duo hominēs celebris ūniversitātis in Galliā nātūram hominis quærunt. Ūnus alterī dīcit, "Homō sōlus animal implūme bipēs." Alter tunc non respondet, sed ab ūniversitāte exit. In nocte ad ūniversitātem venit et super mūrum ūniversitātis gallum dēnūdātum plūmis iactat.

Two men from a famous university in Gaul were debating the nature of man. One said to the other, "Man alone is a featherless biped." The other did not then respond, but left the university. In the night he came to the university and over the wall he threw a plucked chicken.

*Well, Humez & Humez assured me it was Latin.
posted by zompist at 10:37 PM on September 30, 2017 [1 favorite]

There was this snail who wanted to take driving lessons and get his licence. The licence bureau insisted he have a teeny tiny steering wheel mounted on the dash, with teeny tiny gas and brake pedals hooked up to the regular sized ones below. Finally he had to have a large S painted on front passenger door and drivers doors to warn other drivers. One day as he was driving quite briskly through a busy intersection he passed a small boy with his mother waiting for the light. The boy pointed at the snails car and said "Mommy look at that S car go!" Always loved this one.
posted by smudgedlens at 10:59 PM on September 30, 2017 [3 favorites]

Two polar bears have a cub and they raise him and are very happy. At his second birthday he turns to his parents, fixes a searching eye on them and asks, "Am I really 100% polar bear?" The parents are amused, kids! and assure him that yes, he most certainly is. The cub seems mollified. The next year at his birthday the cub asks his father, this time when they're alone,
"Am I really a polar bear?" The father senses feelings of self doubt in the cub and tries to reassure him, "Of course you are - you're as polar a bear as can be." Again, the cub seems appeased. The year turns, the family is happy and the cub's birthday comes around again and again he asks, this time after the cake, "Are you really really really sure I'm a polar bear?" This time his mother gets irate and a bit defensive, "Well of course you are! What ever could make you think otherwise?" "Because mom, I'm fucking freezing!"
posted by From Bklyn at 1:47 AM on October 1, 2017 [5 favorites]

Best told to a group of eight year old boys:

“Hey you guys, I know a few jokes. Would you like me to tell a dirty joke or a clean joke?”

invariably, dirty joke.

“Here it is: a man jumped into the mud!”

*groans*

“Oh I’m sorry. Well, do you want to hear the clean one now?”

Um, okay .

“The man took a bath with bubbles.”

More groans.

“Wait! Do you want to hear another dirty joke?”

Ok, fine, skeptically.

“Bubbles was the man’s next door neighbor”
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 2:01 AM on October 1, 2017 [4 favorites]

How do you get a giraffe in a refrigerator?
First, open the door and take out the elephant.
posted by Dojie at 5:09 AM on October 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

It's a little long, but one of my absolute favorites is Nate the Snake
posted by postcommunism at 6:39 AM on October 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

“Wait! Do you want to hear another dirty joke?”

Ok, fine, skeptically.

“Bubbles was the man’s next door neighbor”

Ha - this reminds me of my mother's all-time favorite joke (needs to be spoken aloud):

-- What do you call someone who sleeps with cats?

-- Mrs. Katz. And sometimes Mrs. Nussbaum.
posted by Mchelly at 6:52 AM on October 1, 2017 [5 favorites]

I'm making a check list, is Liszt Czech?
posted by snorkmaiden at 7:41 AM on October 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

Apologies for stealing it from Carson:

SIS BOOM BAH

What sound does a sheep make when it explodes?
posted by deezil at 11:32 AM on October 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

My favourite Tommy Cooper joke.
Man: There was a snail on the door step.
Woman: Did you kill it?
Man: No, it got away.
posted by night_train at 11:52 AM on October 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

There was this Rob Delaney tweet that made me laugh for days, I'm going to have to paraphrase (which might ruin it) because looking up old twitter favorites is too much of a pain.

Ugh, I wasted my whole weekend doing some online course. The good news is, now I'm a chiropractor.
posted by ctmf at 12:44 PM on October 1, 2017 [4 favorites]

Two baby seals walk into a club.
posted by Omnomnom at 12:45 PM on October 1, 2017

A guy was riding on an airplane, and he decided to smoke a cigar. Unfortunately, he was sitting next to a woman with a dog. The dog began coughing, so the lady said, "Excuse me, sir, but could you please put out your cigar? It's really bothering my dog."

He angrily replied, "No, I won't! You shouldn't have a dog on this flight anyways!"

"This is a non-smoking flight! You need to put that cigar out!" she said. They argued back and forth... get rid of the dog, put out the cigar, and so on.

Finally, the man said, "Look, I'll compromise with you. If you get rid of your dog, I'll get rid of the cigar." He was thinking, "She'll never want to give up her dog." But much to his surprise, she agreed to the deal!

The lady opened the window and threw her dog out. The man, thinking that he had another cigar anyways, threw his cigar out the window, thinking that he had won.

However, the woman suddenly reached out the window, and grabbed her dog's leash! As she pulled the dog back in, she was thinking that she'd won, but do you know what the dog had in its mouth? A brick!
posted by Spathe Cadet at 3:46 PM on October 1, 2017 [14 favorites]

- a moment from Father Ted I still laugh at after many views

Clearly you posted the wrong link there. You meant this. (The whole episode also contains Spathe Cadet's joke)
posted by ambrosen at 4:08 PM on October 1, 2017

do you know what the dog had in its mouth? A brick!
Someone's been watching BoJack Horseman
posted by King Bee at 5:49 PM on October 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

A nurse sticks her head in the door and asks, "Mr. Steinberg, how are you doing? Are you comfortable?"

Mr. Steinberg replies, "I get by."
posted by small_ruminant at 6:58 PM on October 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

Helium walks into a bar. "I'm sorry sir, we don't serve noble gases in here" says the barman. Helium doesn't react.

A neutron walks into a bar, "How much for a beer?" he asks. The barman says "For you, no charge."
posted by HiroProtagonist at 9:09 PM on October 1, 2017 [4 favorites]

Knock knock
Q: Who's there?
A: Europe.
Q: Europe who?
A: No, you're a poo!

Similarly:

Knock knock
Q: Who's there?
A: Let's make up.
Q: Let's make up who?
A: Ew!

Similarly:

Knock knock
Q: Who's there?
A: Tank.
Q: Tank who?
A: You're welcome.
posted by Joe in Australia at 12:09 AM on October 2, 2017

Bojack Horseman has the best stupid jokes that never fail to make me laugh:

You know who else is good at stalling?

Joseph Stalin.

***

Unfortunately we do not live in an us-ocracy, but a dem-ocracy.
posted by sapagan at 12:41 AM on October 2, 2017 [4 favorites]

Joe in Australia: "Knock knock
Q: Who's there?
A: Europe.
Q: Europe who?
A: No, you're a poo!"

Related:

Q: If you're Russian in the kitchen, what are you in the bathroom?
A: European
posted by chavenet at 2:47 AM on October 2, 2017 [1 favorite]

Bojack Horseman has the best stupid jokes that never fail to make me laugh:

Are we at Tony Roma's right now? Cause there's a lot of ribbing going on here.

Mr. Peanutbutter: "Team players wanted"? Oh, I'm such a good team player, I make all the other team players look like garbage.
posted by Room 641-A at 4:23 AM on October 2, 2017 [2 favorites]

Oooh, I forgot one of my favorites:

So there's a lion and a cheetah that live in the jungle, and every year they have a race to see who is the fastest animal in the jungle. Obviously, the cheetah wins all the time because he's a cheetah and cheetahs are the fastest animals in the jungle. This of course makes the lion upset. He figures he's the king of the jungle, so he should also be the fastest animal in the jungle. So he trains and trains, P90X, crossfit, ran the NYC marathon... you name it, he trained it. So, the time of the race is nearing, and the lion hears a rumor that the cheetah is feeling a little under the weather. Turns out the cheetah was just a little depressed because everyone is making fun of him online "stupid orange 'cheetah in office' taking away our healthcare!' etc. because he's a cheetah and doesn't understand the difference between a cheetah and a cheeto. Anyway, race day us upon us. Lion is feeling confident. The race starts, and the lion bursts into the lead and is doing his best to stay there. He keeps pushing his hardest, running his fastest, but when he looks back, he sees the cheetah is catching up to him! So the lion gives it an extra 10%, really turns on the afterburners. Now he's thinking he's got to have extended his lead. So he turns around and sees the cheetah has caught up even more! Now, lions are pretty stoic, but he's starting to get worried, so he really kicks it up a notch. He's running flat out top gear high speed. He's a flash, it's amazing! But next time he turns around he sees that the cheetah has basically caught up to him! So now he's really panicking, thinking this is his only chance at ever winning because of all the training and the cheetah's depression. So now they're neck and neck, running along at top speed, and suddenly, the lion body checks the cheetah, sending him tumbling down a cliff. Lion goes on and wins the race. So! Now the lion is the king of the jungle and the fastest animal in the jungle! What would you do if you were the king of the jungle and the fastest animal in the jungle?? You'd throw a party, obviously. So he does. The lion throws the biggest party the jungle has ever seen, to celebrate him being the king of the jungle and the fastest animal in the jungle. ALL of the animals are invited to this party, and you don't say no to that invite. Besides, the party is going to kick ass. So all the animals in the jungle show up to this amazing party, except for one! What animal didn't show up to the party??


**wait while those you're telling this joke to guess: "cheetah" because he fell down the cliff**


Nope, it's the elephant, he's still in the fridge.


*shakes fist at Dojie who tried to ruin my joke!
posted by Grither at 8:24 AM on October 2, 2017 [7 favorites]

Why do elephants have red eyes?

To better hide in cherry trees.


Wut. I've never seen an elephant in a cherry tree!

That's how well they hide.
posted by Namlit at 12:38 PM on October 2, 2017 [1 favorite]

Why do farts smell?
So the deaf can enjoy them too.
posted by Meatbomb at 12:44 PM on October 2, 2017 [2 favorites]

This will date me, but:

How many deadheads does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just wait for it to burn out and follow it around for forty years.

Also Byron my grandmother told that Scotsman joke; I wonder how far back it goes?
posted by aspersioncast at 8:47 PM on October 2, 2017 [4 favorites]

The joke of this video is absolutely one of my favorite things in the world and I laugh and laugh and laugh every time I watch it.

ahahahaha flagged as fantastic. This is the version I knew: link.

Along the same lines, this is one of my favorite things and I play it every Christmas and laugh like a drunk hyena.
posted by en forme de poire at 9:17 PM on October 2, 2017 [2 favorites]

Roses are gray
Violets are gray
I am a dog
posted by en forme de poire at 9:23 PM on October 2, 2017 [16 favorites]

Doctor: So, you say she shakes your nerves and rattles your brain? Goodness gracious!
Jerry Lee Lewis: Yeah; that reminds me, there's something else you need to see...
posted by Wordshore at 6:13 AM on October 3, 2017 [12 favorites]

My favorite was a prank pulled on us kids by a fellow wilderness camper out in the Deschutes National Forest. I was maybe 16 and my brother was 13. Our parents were out doing whatever while my brother and I bobber fished on the lake, our campsite a few yards behind us.

Random Middle-Aged Dude We Couldn't Yet See: "COUGAR!"
Brother and I: ?
Baseball-Cap-Wearing Dude, hyperventilating as he ran towards our campsite: "COUGAR!!"
Me, with my usual tact and aplomb: "You know it's a bad idea to run from cougars, right?"
Dude: "NOT THIS ONE! COUGAR!!!" while pointing at the ground
Brother and I: ?
Dude: "OH MY GOD CAN'T YOU SEE ITS TEETH AND CLAWS" while hopping around in a panic
Brother and I: "uhhhh"
Me, aplomb still intact: "that's a chipmunk"
Dude: "NO IT'S A FEROCIOUS MAN-EATING COUGAR I'M TELLING YOU!!!"
Brother and I: rotfl
Dude: joins in the laughter

In memory of him, I have called chipmunks "cougars" ever since. He was a great camping neighbor, came by and chatted often, never imposed, always some silly story.
posted by fraula at 7:50 AM on October 3, 2017 [2 favorites]

A variant on the police squad joke was used in an episode of News Radio between John Lithgow and Phil Hartman:

"Cigarette?"
"No thanks."
"I was talking to the cigarette."
posted by aspersioncast at 1:48 PM on October 3, 2017 [4 favorites]

So it's hunting season and a Fish and Game warden is out in the woods, smells a campfire and approaches. The warden discovers a man sitting next to a small fire, eating what is clearly a swan, a protected species. "Are you aware, sir, that it is illegal to hunt swans? There are severe penalties for violating this law!" thunders the warden. "Yes," replies the hunter. "I feel just terrible about it. I saw this bird in the sky, thought it was a goose, and shot it. When my dog brought it back, I was heartbroken. I figured that the only way to salvage any good from this tragedy was to eat the swan." A single tear rolls down the hunter's face.

The warden gruffly asks the man to hand over his hunting permit and firearm license, examines them, confirms that they are up to date, and gives back the papers. "I see that your remorse is genuine, and your papers are in order, so I'm going to exercise my discretion and issue you a warning. And I want to admonish you to never shoot at any animal until you're certain of its identity. "Thank you," replies the hunter, taking the warning and putting it in his wallet.

"But before I go," continues the warden, "I just want to ask you what swan tastes like. Don't offer me any as I can't eat it myself since that would violate all of my principles. But I'm curious. So can you just describe the taste to me as best you can?"

The hunter pauses, looking thoughtful. After a moment, he responds, "Actually, it tastes a lot like bald eagle."
posted by carmicha at 9:13 AM on October 4, 2017 [5 favorites]

Knock, Knock...
*who's there*
To
*To who?*
No, To whom.

When telling this out loud, every ounce of smugness you can cram into the punchline makes it funnier and funnier.

When a friend wants to tell this joke around me and a new victim, he always asks to borrow my glasses. He puts them on pretty low on the nose. Then, when delivering the punchline, he slowly pushes them up with his index finger. It was especially good when he did it the first time to me.
posted by msbrauer at 9:25 AM on October 4, 2017 [1 favorite]

I don't know if I'm really that funny, and I don't really have a memory for jokes or a particularly good ear for telling them. But I'm having a bad day and wanna participate in this old thread, so for what it's worth, I think that the first fifteen or so paragraphs of this is one of the funnier things I've written (ymmv), and in contrition for the sneaky sideways self-promotion, this is one of my favorite MBMBaM bits.
posted by Caduceus at 4:14 PM on October 4, 2017 [1 favorite]

Two samurai meet on a path in the deep woods. One, going west, is elderly and wise, and the other, going east, is young and brash. They meet, facing one another, neither wishing to yield the way.

Young Samurai: "Move to the left, old man. You're hindering my progress."
Elderly Samurai: "You should yield to me, young man. I am 102 years old, and deserve respect for my many years fighting for, and then becoming an advisor to, my noble lord."
YS: "Nobody cares about your faded past glories. I'm full of big, important plans, and I refuse to alter my path!"
ES: "Very well. Shall we engage in a test of sword agility to see who shall yield the way? The samurai who kills a passing fly with the fewest strokes shall be allowed to continue down the path as he pleases."

YS agrees to these terms, and both samurai stand, swords drawn, waiting for a fly to zip past them. After a minute, a fly passes by the YS, and in one deft motion, he cuts the fly into two perfect pieces.

YS: "Ha, ha! look at how perfectly I cut that fly down! One stroke! I cannot imagine you'll do any better." Hands on hips, the YS smugly waits for his elder's chance. A moment later, another fly buzzes into view, and the ES swipes his sword once swiftly through the air. The fly continues, undisturbed, into the forest on the other side of the path.

YS: "The fly lives, old man! You didn't cut him in half as I did mine. Now we know who is the best. Move aside and let me pass."
The ES nods slowly, and then holds out his sword to halt the ES’s progress. "While it's true the fly still lives, I assure you he will never again enjoy sexual intercourse."

With that, the ES continues on his journey straight down the path.
posted by but no cigar at 5:13 PM on October 4, 2017 [2 favorites]

YS: "Ha, ha! look at how perfectly I cut that fly down! One stroke! I cannot imagine you'll do any better."

"Already did. I killed a fly in zero strokes, by getting you to do it."
posted by ctmf at 10:22 AM on October 5, 2017 [1 favorite]

A man awakes to find himself lying by the side of a desolate country road. As he regains his bearings, he discovers that he has no memory of who he is or how he came to be there. As he stumbles about unsure of himself, a genie appears beside him and says "What is your third wish, master?"

Confused, the man asks "Who are you and why can't I remember anything?"

"I am your genie," the genie replies. "You are here because your second wish was to forget who you are and to be taken far away from everything you once knew. Now, my master, what is your third wish?"

"My third wish," answers the man, "Is to remember everything about who I am."

The genie roars with laughter.

"What's so funny?", asks the man.

The genie replies, "That was your first wish."
posted by vers at 7:02 PM on October 8, 2017 [3 favorites]