Fucking Fuck Fuckity Fuck Thread January 28, 2020 10:44 AM   Subscribe

A place to yell, to let it all out, to vent. Let loose all of your frustrations and anger. This is a void in which you can scream into safely. Fuck it.
posted by Fizz to MetaFilter-Related at 10:44 AM (147 comments total) 7 users marked this as a favorite

I'll kick this off by saying, I've been dealing with a family medical crisis this past week, and although things are mostly under control in the immediate term, I am fucking scared.
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 10:46 AM on January 28 [36 favorites]


I've stepped back from a project position at work because of my mental health and my needing a break. I thought this might give me some time to reboot my brain and my approach to this team but we're also severely understaffed and as a result I'm being slammed with other work-related duties. The phone never ends and I'm just taking call after call after call and FUCK ALL THIS SHIT?!!
posted by Fizz at 10:52 AM on January 28 [11 favorites]


LobsterMitten, I am so sorry to hear that. Under control sounds promising, I hope it continues! In the meanwhile don't forget to take care of yourself.

Fizz, that sounds absolutely shitty! STUPID PHONE! I hope you can do something nice for yourself next time you are home. Someone just posted about this Kind Words game that sounds appealing. (Don't know if it would hit the spot for everyone tho.)
posted by Glinn at 10:56 AM on January 28 [6 favorites]


My fucking position at work was fucking eliminated because we got a new VP and he had it out for me from day one, saying he didn't see the value in my position, despite not actually reading/understanding my job description and what I actually DID all day. Speculation is that it's ageism plus the fact that he wants to bring in all his own people (including two people for Assistant Director positions who LITERALLY have ZERO experience and who graduated from college in the last two years WHAT THE FUCK DO TITLES EVEN MEAN, DUDE). The new position was posted today and FOR FUCKS SAKE it's my basic job description plus stuff I told him I wanted to start taking on, it's like he just took what I told him and made a new position and FUCK HIM.

I had one foot out the door already. But still. He didn't even have a conversation with me, the fucking coward. If I had known this was in the cards I never would have left my old job, despite how much I hated it there. He's pushing people out. One of my co-workers had plans to retire in about 4 years; she's leaving at the end of the summer because she can't take it anymore. He had zero experience in our field, yet he got the job. He hired an Assistant VP who also had zero experience in our field; there is someone in the department who not only has experience but who kept the department together during the transition search for a new VP. But did he elevate that person? HELL NO because why would he do that when he could bring in one of his friends!!

He sucks, it all sucks, I'm so damned pissed.
posted by cooker girl at 11:08 AM on January 28 [54 favorites]


I have a really frustrating work relationship thing happening and it's like every day, the knife in my back gets twisted a little bit. It stinks because otherwise, things aren't terrible. Creeping loneliness, to be sure, but still.

Fizz, I can feel that pain just as sure as if I were still there. Fuck all that shit.
posted by wellred at 11:09 AM on January 28 [6 favorites]


The other fucking thing about all this is that I see how EVERYONE in EVERY industry is overwhelmed, understaffed, underpaid, and overworked. It's that fucking cream at the top that keeps on giving themselves bonuses and nothing trickles down except the shit.
posted by Fizz at 11:12 AM on January 28 [34 favorites]


I'm dealing with parental mortality right now and it sucks. Both of them are ailing and I feel useless and like I have been a horrible, neglectful daughter (when I really know that I'm probably just an average daughter). My doggo also has a funny spot next to her left eye, and she doesn't come running when she hears me opening up the tea cupboard anymore (that's her cue to come get a treat. She still likes treats, but she's going kind of deaf so she can't hear the cupboard.) I've been opening it as loudly as I can.

And its January in Minnesota, my shoulders are permanently hunched in a try-to-stay-warm position and I have not seen the sun in over a week.
posted by Gray Duck at 11:15 AM on January 28 [15 favorites]




Sending sunlight and peace to all.
posted by jquinby at 11:23 AM on January 28 [7 favorites]


Oh I used endless screams back in the day ALL the time, there are moments where I just retweeted endless screams for an hour to clog up my timeline with nothing but screaming. I'm sure I lost followers but it was totally worth it. Good share for those who are still on twitter. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
posted by Fizz at 11:23 AM on January 28 [6 favorites]


I've been having a really hard time the last year or so coming to grips with the fact that more and more I've been feeling overwhelmed and anxious all the time, and recognizing that just getting through it and keeping the plates all spinning and trying to put on a brave face about it isn't fucking working. I'm still working on the whole thing of talking about it, and am trying to get myself over the hurdle of doing so more openly on MeFi in particular, and am actively pursuing outside resources like therapy and meds at this point which is helping. But it's a really up and down thing and the last couple days have definitely had a steep downward slope vibe. And it's goddam frustrating all else aside because I know it directly effects how capable I am of tackling the volume of stuff on MeFi that deserves tackling.
posted by cortex (staff) at 11:28 AM on January 28 [80 favorites]


My dad got moved to hospice the day before my mother-in-law's funeral.

(Home hospice, as in my mom will have to do 90% of the work and wait for a day when someone's coming to help when she needs to, for example, move him.)
posted by Lyn Never at 11:50 AM on January 28 [9 favorites]


hugs to all who want them!

I got laid off and I looooove being a middle age chick in tech looking for work. le sigh.

oh and yeah my dad has cancer again... :(
posted by supermedusa at 11:54 AM on January 28 [13 favorites]


Oh yeah, I didn't add that my dad's been enrolled in hospice and in some ways I think I'd be dealing better with this whole thing if we actually had a good relationship, if he had been a good father. Instead of feeling sad and worried, I get all these fantastically complicated feelings that I don't know how to work through. UGH.
posted by cooker girl at 11:59 AM on January 28 [15 favorites]


cortex good on you working to share more openly with this community. there are so many compassionate people here who understand anxiety and depression very well. I'd be happy to be an ear as I'm sure others would. things are legitimately hard these days. be kind to yourself!
posted by supermedusa at 12:01 PM on January 28 [7 favorites]


Stalkers really, really suck. The mental health industry doesn't really have ways to deal with the degradation of the social contract. All the wishes, hopes, and sorries in the world buttereth no parsnips.

Fuck.
posted by Mistress at 12:07 PM on January 28 [18 favorites]


I should say that I'm grateful for the wishes and hopes and sorries, it's just... Me and so many people really at the edge of our capacities to maintain appearances.
posted by Mistress at 12:10 PM on January 28 [6 favorites]


I'm headed out to my friend's wake. He was 43. FUCK CANCER.
posted by Pax at 12:33 PM on January 28 [19 favorites]


This friend.
posted by Pax at 12:37 PM on January 28 [5 favorites]


Middle schoolers, man. Teenage drama, difficult home lives, behavior issues. I love my job, but on some days, it’s just too much.
posted by lemonwheel at 1:13 PM on January 28 [6 favorites]


HI THREAD

RIDDLE ME THIS

WHY DON'T I EVER BELIEVE PAST ME ABOUT ALL THE TIMES PAST ME HAS DISCOVERED THAT OMG I NEED MY ADHD MEDS TO FUNCTION WELL?

WHY DO I WAKE UP PRACTICALLY EVERY WEEK THINKING, AHA, I HAVE A BRAND NEW IDEA, LET ME TRY THIS DAY WITHOUT MEDS AND SEE HOW IT GOES?

and then it invariably turns into three days without meds because when I'm off the meds, doing good and correct things like getting back on the meds becomes unaccountably difficult

dear brain it is not a new idea it is the same old shitty idea and we have proven it doesn't work a million times already pls stop

what the fuck brain
posted by MiraK at 1:13 PM on January 28 [40 favorites]


{{{hugs}}} to all on this thread who need them. <3
posted by MiraK at 1:14 PM on January 28 [9 favorites]


LobsterMitten, I’m sorry to hear that. My heart goes out to you and I hope the fear that’s coming up is met with a lot of support and love from those close to you.

I’m relieved to have this thread to just say FUCK MY MEDICAL PROVIDER, who followed up a stressful ADHD diagnosis by making me jump through fucking hoops to get medicated and just yesterday straight up told me she doesn't believe! in! medicating! ADHD! at! all!, making my shame and fear around the diagnosis worse than it already is. Before she would talk to me about medication, she told me take my blood pressure everyday for a month even though I have zero history of high blood pressure including the previous three visits to her despite my anxiety around doctor's offices. After a month of basically perfect results, she had me do another ECG (I’ve had one before) confirming the PVCs that she already knew about and which my previous doctors have told me are unlikely to cause problems. After she saw the ECG she told me if I really wanted medication that I was cleared to try Strattera, which is a non stimulant medication that has a 50% success rate and similar risks of cardiac complications as stimulants.

But she told me straight out all her patients with ADHD do great on it, essentially 100% success rate (I looked up the success rate on my own) and have very minimal side effects and that I could take the medication as needed, no need to take it everyday, and would feel better within a week. In my case the week I took it turned me into a zombie who slept all the time, couldn’t work (fucking wonderful as a self-employed person with no sick days and deadlines), couldn’t drive, I also felt scarily angry for no reason. The pharmacist and the manufacturer and literally every WebMD type site out there says you must take the medication daily and that it will take 6-8 weeks to see an effect.

Yesterday I met her to talk about these side effects and she implied I was lying about the side effects, told me the pharmacist was wrong about needing to take the medication daily and how long it would take to work, and then told me I should try Wellbutrin next. Which I’ve already tried previously for more than a year and had zero improvement on for either depression or ADHD. She told me if I wanted to try stimulants she would need me to see a cardiologist (even though she had no problems with me taking Strattera and said the ECG looked fine) and then. Then she fucking told me she didn’t think stimulants or medication in generation is helpful for ADHD and that she doesn’t prescribe anything stronger than Strattera, so I should try to learn other ways to manage. By that point I didn’t know what to say so I just agreed to see a cardiologist and left.

I’m so angry and disappointed. It’s taken almost weekly appointments, thousands of dollars out of pocket, and talking about it in every therapy session to get to a point where I got over my shame and fear to get help, and I find out this provider doesn’t think the gold fucking standard treatment is legit and that I should try more coping skills as though all the coping skills, tools, and ADHD support group I joined are just, you know, me not trying hard enough. FUCK THIS LADY. If she had just told me she didn’t prescribe stimulants I would have gone to a psychiatrist who felt comfortable with them and done all the heart health stuff with them.
posted by the thorn bushes have roses at 1:20 PM on January 28 [42 favorites]


every fucking day, feeling just on the edge of screaming inside. physical health, mental health, work worries, home worries, friend worries. so many unsaid suppressed fucks which I will memorialise here thusly: fuck.

hugs to everyone. I'm sorry so many of us are where we are right now.
posted by Two unicycles and some duct tape at 1:39 PM on January 28 [9 favorites]


FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK EVERYTHING I AM ABOUT AT MY WIT'S END WORLD.

If you're in Astoria Oregon tonight be sure to stop at Fort George upstairs to support the nonprofit where I work. I am the utterly frazzled looking lady with blue hair in the stripey dress. I am working at least 12 hours today, I have a headache and I am all the things Fizz said upthread and frankly I do not like my job and I am so fucking poor and, well, most everything is pretty much sucking at the moment but possibly my job is the suckiest of all.
posted by mygothlaundry at 1:40 PM on January 28 [20 favorites]


It really is so fucked up that everyone is so drained and tired and exhausted and it's why we're all coping. We're all just trying to push through the day.

It's all about this meme that I think a lot about: TIRED OF LOOKING AT BAD SCREEN. CAN'T WAIT TO GET HOME TO GOOD SCREEN.

Just trying to get home to watch or play something that makes me forget how awful life is so much of the time.
posted by Fizz at 2:08 PM on January 28 [17 favorites]


Sending positive mind atoms to you all.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 3:34 PM on January 28 [4 favorites]


Callout to LobsterMitten for doing the lion's share of thoughtful modding in a lot of contentious threads lately 😭

And, seriously, my condolences to you and yours during this tough time - family medical crises are so awful, and I wish you all the best. ❤️

Roundhouse kicking the hugs button for everyone else in the thread as well!
posted by rather be jorting at 3:45 PM on January 28 [18 favorites]


I've been hanging on the edge of the gig economy for a few years, holding on just enough. I feel like the economy has been fucked since 2009 or so, and I'm terrified. Calling a bankruptcy lawyer tomorrow which has me even more freaking out. Yay.
posted by catlet at 3:51 PM on January 28 [11 favorites]


It is becoming very clear that my year's tenure in an administrative role for my team is going to be dragged out indefinitely in spite of my repeated attempts over the past month to get a transition plan in place. I have hated every minute that I have had to spend with these responsibliites and want to go back to my core duties.

I am, not to mince words, getting pissed.
posted by theBigRedKittyPurrs at 3:54 PM on January 28 [7 favorites]


I have no idea what to do about a bunch of things going on right now. None of it is as bad as a lot of the above, so grain of salt, but there are some things I've been assuming I'd figure out with time and it's not happening.
posted by less of course at 4:16 PM on January 28 [5 favorites]


Dear LobsterMitten, I'm one stranger on the internet who appreciates so much what you do around here, and if I were around you, I'd give your hand a big squeeze. Medical fear is overwhelming and such bullshit. My thoughts are with you.

Dear Fizz, seriously, WTF. It's such a little thing you're after - just a bit of down time to rest that head on a pillow or against a couch cushion, some silence, a little peace. Wish I could put you in a bubble and be your bouncer xoxo

Dear cooker_girl :O :O :O fuuuuccckkkkk that guy!! The sheer level of disrespect would be enough to make anyone fume even if your livelihood wasn't at stake. I'm so sorry. I hate people who think they can throw other people away. There's a special place in hell for that man. (I deeeeply get the complicated dad feelings, too, and I'm so sorry.)

Dear wellred, solidarity to you in loneliness and in frustrating relationships that just never seem to get better. Kindness and gentle thoughts to you.

Grey Duck, they know you love them. Parents really do see it, you know, your devotion to them. Every little thing tells them. Love is impossible to hide. <3 I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Dear cortex, you are amazing, and I appreciate very much what you do around here (even though I see such a small fraction of it). Stress spirals are bullshit and STUPID, I'm so sorry it's been like that.

Dear Lyn_Never, I'm so sorry for your loss. I've seen you around the site and always, always appreciate your contribution. My heart goes out to you and your mother in this difficult time.

Dear supermedusa, I'm so sorry. {{hugs}} if you want them. Fuck that diagnosis, fuck being unemployed, and hats off to you in your courage and resilience.

Dear Mistress, what the ever loving FUCK. A stalker? And they're not taking it seriously?! From this internet stranger: I hope you never, ever, ever stop fighting them about this. I hope you become such a pain in their asses that they give you what you need just to make it stop. I'm so sorry. You deserve safety and support.

Dear Pax, I'm so sorry for your loss. How heartbreaking.
fuck cancer

Dear lemonwheel, as a parent of just ONE middle schooler, I will happily surrender my jug of margarita to you, holy crap, imagine dealing with a school-ful! Wowwwwwww.


Dear me, GOOD ON YOU for taking the fucking meds at long last. <3


Dear thorn bushes, I am taking your story EXTREMELY personally, whelp, #sorrynotsorry. Please message me if you would like to hatch a diabolical scheme for extracting subtle revenge. This offer stands whether or not you have the option of switching providers. We are adaptable souls, we ADHD folks. (seriously though fuck her OH MY GOD how dare she!)


Dear Two unicycles: I bow to your courage and resilience which should never have been needed. Wishing you gentleness and soft places. <3


Dear mygothlaundry, aaaah, I hope someone from MeFi does show up, how great would that be? I'm rooting for you <3 (PS fuck poverty I'm so sorry).


Dear catlet, your balls/ovaries must be the size of the fucking moon. ALL THE SOLIDARITY as you make your phone call tomorrow. Will you please post here and tell us when it's done? I will personally throw a party on this thread for you. <3 You got this.

Dear BigRedKitty, ummmm that sounds like complete BS, what the fuck. So many stories of employers taking advantage of folks on this thread. Your pissage is righteous. <3
posted by MiraK at 4:35 PM on January 28 [37 favorites]


Big Braw Scottish Hugs for all of you. So much shit that really and truly sucks, sending good vibes to one and all xxx
posted by Chairboy at 4:59 PM on January 28 [6 favorites]


oh just FUCK.

You know the thing when Miss Piggy finally loses her shit and shrieks, "THAT DOES IT!" That's my brain. I wish I could follow it up with some Muppet-style ass-whooping, but for now, THAT DOES IT.

My job is so bad, like "how can this be legal, oh wait, we live in a country with FUCKING REPUBLICANS AND THEIR EMPLOYEE-PROTECTION-HATING WAYS" bad. The great thing is, just when we think it can't get worse, IT DOES! You guys, I am so tired.

Our household experienced a big fucking scary near-death medical emergency with a prolonged hospital stay a few months ago. Thank the universe everything is almost back to normal now, but we're working through some unexpected and delayed fallout and FUCK.

And now here comes my crusty old pal INSOMNIA to fuck with me some more!

I have so many good things in my life and I am terrified of losing them all.

FUCK.

(Thanks for listening. I'm truly sorry everyone is going through the fuckityfucks.)

((((MEFITES))))
posted by Orange Dinosaur Slide at 5:43 PM on January 28 [16 favorites]


LobsterMitten, good luck.
Cortex, I owned a business, had employees. It was hella stressful. You have a ginormous support system, if you want it.

The Impeachment hearings, the mess the country is in, makes me really tense. I can't watch the hearings because it makes me scream at the tv.

It took them 3 days to resolve my phone issues. Weird error message, opened a ticket, initial tech work broke the phone. It got fixed when I got pissy and complained loudly in the ticket, on facebook, on Twitter.

Hugs to all y'all.
posted by theora55 at 5:48 PM on January 28 [5 favorites]


I've got an exhibition halfway across the continent tomorrow and my fucking physical interaction rig isn't fucking interacting. Plus, it has to demo a simple game with assistive switch control, but a) all the cheap/free casual twitch games on Windows Store that don't need a full game controller are actual shit (like, ⅓ of the screen is ads, and the controls are so laggy you just. want. to. die) b) the XBox adaptive controller app for Windows has fucking tiny fonts and seems to need a fucking PhD in arsing about to configure it. Fuuuuuuck. Seriously considering running VICE and giving people some C64 goodness instead.

Also, a dear and kind friend — creator of stunning museum interactions, mother of the most rambunctiously curious 7 year old I've ever met, CEO of the most gleeful kids' interactive programming toy company, who helped me out when I was low between jobs — has been diagnosed with terminal cancer. Because of course this good and kind and fucking wonderful person likely won't get to see age 45 or their kid grow up and yet there are those whose acts are a fucking shitsmear on history who get to enjoy old fucking age. Because that's the way it fucking goes, doesn't it?
posted by scruss at 5:52 PM on January 28 [19 favorites]


Fuck. My daughter tried to kill herself a couple of weeks ago. Between chronic illness and severe mood disorders, I don’t know how she gets through a day, but it was a rough time for everyone involved, particularly my wife who was with her at the time. She’s on new meds and seems to be doing slightly better, so we’ll hope that continues. But now she’s engaging in a flame war with a former online friend which is pretty awful. Meanwhile my wife is working a new job which is more stable than she’s had for a while but quite a bit less money, so I’m managing financial stress on top of all the other stress. Life feels pretty shitty right now.

Hugs to everyone who needs them.
posted by valleys at 6:56 PM on January 28 [28 favorites]


I started going to therapy for an issue only to realize that it's more like a symptom than the issue itself. I think I have four problems, really, and it's like I'm trying to balance on four legs that never line up. One of them is my job, ugh. I might be able to escape? We'll see. I'm just so tired of everything hurting, physically and emotionally. Thanks for the thread, Fizz; I always appreciate them even though I don't always comment.
posted by ferret branca at 7:02 PM on January 28 [7 favorites]


Last week my previously very healthy and independent elderly father had a bad accident. He was rushed to the hospital immediately, they stabilized him, and he has had excellent medical care, but his life is forever changed and his road to recovery will be very long. I wish I could just rewind life to before the accident so it never happened.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 7:24 PM on January 28 [8 favorites]


I broke the screen on my iPhone. The iPhone which I am *still* having trouble figuring out, after years of android -- I know what I want the phone to do, I know it can do it, but how? On the other hand: I have an iPhone. The new screen cost a hundred bucks, while the guy had it apart I told him to put in a new battery, also, which holds about a zillion times more juice. So I've got $130 plus the $150 I paid for the phone, and it's worth it.

This is A High Class Problem.

All day I have sweated that I treated a friend poorly on Sunday, didn't show when I'd committed to showing. I called him tonight, all apologies, hoping he hadn't blocked my phone number etc, and of course it's all in my head. This is an old pattern with me -- I cannot tell you how many times I've had employee reviews, knowing that I was going to get fired, only to find out that they were totally fine with me, I cannot tell you how many job interviews I have totally blown only to find out I hadn't blown them at all.

Right before coming over here I went to two sites that hold credit cards for me. I have them set up on auto-pay, I *know* that I have them set up on auto-pay, but about every three months I get this anguished fear going that I've not paid the bills and I got socked for fearsome fines plus interest etc and etc. Again, this pattern goes *way* back for me. Of course both accounts are in perfect order, as are all other accounts that I have.

It's like I turn on auto-scan, looking for some possible reason why everything is going to be horrible, and the only horrible thing is this old pattern of mine.

Can I complain about the remarkable rainstorm that hit when I was riding the mountain bike? Of course there was no rain when I left, so I was Not Ready For Rain And Lightning And Thunder Etc. I was soaked to my bones but it was warm at least and not much wind. Again -- high class problem. Actually, No Problem, so long as it's not cold or windy or both.

I have to be very careful to not allow myself to get drawn into any political jive -- I contribute money where I can, I will vote when the times comes. But I do not allow myself to get all twisty over things that are way out of my reach.

To all in this thread who really *do* have things going on, my heart is out to you. If you were here in town I'd buy you a coffee and a scone, or a hat maybe, one of those hats with a stupid saying on it like you'll see at a service station, and you could wear it and know you look silly, maybe it'd give you a lift (?) Myself, I'd go for the coffee and scone.
posted by dancestoblue at 7:48 PM on January 28 [7 favorites]


Everything is on fire or being smashed with giant hailstones, or blanketed in smoke, and racists are being especially racist thanks to Invasion Day celebrations and Coronahysteria, and everything is terrible. Plus I got called love and non-consensually kissed at work today (by different men, within an hour of each other).

*incoherent rage sounds*
posted by lollusc at 7:50 PM on January 28 [16 favorites]


Also my stepmother has cancer and had to have her EYE removed. Her EYE.
posted by lollusc at 7:51 PM on January 28 [15 favorites]


I am terribly lonely. I went on my first date in a few years this past Sunday, and I am trying myself up in knots because something Just Isn't Right but I can't tell if I am expecting too much. It's exhausting to feel this lonely. I know I am a valuable, sweet person. I deserve to find someone who sees that and is ready to be like, hello, yes, I like you, let me show you how much right away (or at least give indicators that I am on their mind like that.) I am so tired of being patient. I am so tired of being "cool". Where is my person and when will it finally be my turn to have a loving, genuine partner?
posted by Kitchen Witch at 8:04 PM on January 28 [32 favorites]


My extended family has had three cats and one human friend die in the last month. My amazing boss is about to get thrown under the bus by my two-faced grandboss. Maybe I’m next. (Who the fuck guts accounting during budget season?! Oh, right, people who want to kill the messenger.)

I’m up to my eyeballs in debt. I can’t eat any FODMAPs without fumigating the whole damn town with my pale shapeless butt. I wake up with a bloody nose every day and come home with sinus pain every night because I live in Utah, where there’s no humidity and too much altitude and too much pollution and men with half my qualifications make half again what I make. And I can’t afford to leave. It’s just me and bloody boogers and rancid farts and all these deads.

I never do this. It felt good. Thank you.
posted by armeowda at 10:25 PM on January 28 [19 favorites]


It’s been a hard few weeks.

I’ve had two multi-day work trips in the last three weeks, one of which was scheduled at the last fucking minute due to poor planning on others’ parts. Both trips were pretty exhausting and full of meetings with strangers, and one was a visit to customers who are (justifiably) very annoyed with my company. So not exactly the most pleasant of experiences.

While I was on the second trip, I learned that my grandmother was diagnosed with lung cancer... and today we learned that it’s spread to her brain as well, and rather advanced. She’s across the country, and I’m trying to plan a trip to visit her as soon as I can now so I can tell her how much I love her in person.

Meanwhile, this past weekend my partner had a major panic attack which took her multiple days to start to recover from. I spent most of the weekend keeping all the wheels spinning at home while she rested, and doing my best to supply emotional support. (Which, like, I’m happy to do — it will be my turn someday to need the support. But it was a lot to take on at that moment.)

Oh. And one of our cats was just diagnosed with IBD, and hates the medicine I now have to give him twice a day. We’re waiting on the results of another test to see if this is actually very early stage lymphoma.

It’s just... a lot. I feel like individually I could cope with any of the above, they are all pretty stressful but within the normal bounds of things life throws at you. But having them all happen at once has me literally crying from exhaustion and worry.

I’m already at the edge of my ability to hold it all together, and right now I’m the support system for everyone else in my life. So I have to find a way to make it work.
posted by a device for making your enemy change his mind at 10:46 PM on January 28 [7 favorites]


I’m waiting to hear if I’m being made redundant for bullshit reasons from a job I love, and the lift in my building is broken, climbing up and down 8 flights of stairs is make my fibro flare like crazy. Fuck.
posted by ellieBOA at 11:25 PM on January 28 [10 favorites]


Coronavirus is top of my grouchiness list today. Useful context: I live in Hong Kong and just got back from a brilliant holiday. Popped into my local shopping mall to restock my hand soap for the bathroom and thought I'd pick up a face mask or two (not a box or two, a mask or two) for the days I might have to take the MTR this coming week. I think you can see where this is going.

My local stores, online and off, simply have no face masks left and apparently haven't for days; I saw a box of 50 masks online for over 2000 HKD, which is over 250 USD. There's no liquid hand soap and all the antibacterial hand sanitiser is gone too (which is odd, given that 2019-nCoV is not a bacterial infection...). There's still bar soap, which for some reason no one buys here, and shampoo also seemed perfectly well stocked. Apparently not all soap is created equal. I'm also working from home, apparently, until late next week. Somehow.

The no-masks thing really irks me and I have a hard time explaining why. I get that SARS was a big deal here and people want to be careful. But there are certain beliefs, let's call them, related to traditional Chinese medicine, cold weather, and when people normally believe they should put on a mask - to say nothing of the recent demonisation of mainlanders - which, when combined, have led to what I'm going to diagnose as a symptom of our city's larger problems with itself and its closest neighbour.

Walking back home through a busy intersection I wanted to scream NONE OF YOU HAVE CORONAVIRUS AND YET YOU ALL THINK YOU NEED A MASK WHEN WE ALL KNOW THAT MASKS DO NOTHING AND AT MOST THERE ARE A TINY HANDFUL OF US WITH CORONAVIRUS IN THIS CITY AND THEY ARE ALL NOT HERE AT THIS INTERSECTION RIGHT NOW AND YOU ARE WEARING YOUR MASK WRONG ANYWAY WHY DO YOU THINK A MASK WITH GIANT GAPS IN THE SIDE IS GOING TO PROTECT YOU THERE IS NOTHING MASKS HAVE BEEN PROVEN TO DO IN A NON-HEALTHCARE SETTING THAT LIMITS THE TRANSMISSION OF DISEASE WE ARE ALL BREATHING THE SAME AIR JUST GO HOME ALREADY AHHHHHHHH but I did not, so I'm doing it here.
posted by mdonley at 11:32 PM on January 28 [19 favorites]


also, a sidebar scream

CAN THIS CITY GET A BREAK FOR ONCE I MEAN JESUS FIRST A TERRIBLE LAW AND THEN TEAR GAS AND THEN ESCALATING VIOLENCE AND A RECESSION AND THREATS AND NOW A DISEASE THAT NONE OF US CAN HIDE FROM BECAUSE IT'S IN THE AIR FOR GOD'S SAKE AS IF WE EVEN ENJOYED BREATHING OUR AIR IN THE FIRST PLACE

thank you
posted by mdonley at 11:35 PM on January 28 [23 favorites]


I've just written and deleted a rant about my current experience as a school governor - deleted as too identifying. I will just say that it is a crappy system which leaves us (govs) all with guilt about our inability to prevent schools offering crap to children.

And I'm sorry about everyone's loss and pain. Glad this thread exists.
posted by paduasoy at 1:06 AM on January 29 [5 favorites]


My cat, who was the inspiration for my MeFi handle, died two weeks ago. She had been with me for fourteen years. Fuck, I miss how she smelled. I miss having something soft and furry to stuff my face into. I miss how she needed me.
posted by kinsey at 3:37 AM on January 29 [43 favorites]


Fucking it all up sideways into a cocked hat.

A million years ago I did yoga with this, frankly, tremendous guy. A real Mensch and likely bodhisattva in training. I was doing something medium stupid with my life (as opposed to now) and he said something along the lines of: “whatever you do, try to bring Yourself and the people around you, closer to god (for whatever definition of god works best for you).” And so I’m clinging to that as the guiding principle, and hoping I don’t make it all that much worse. And I offer it up here - how we frame our problems/situations matters : this, to me, is empowering. I wish for all of you the best
posted by From Bklyn at 5:14 AM on January 29 [7 favorites]


Four friends dead since December 1 and three of those since the new year. 1 cancer, 1 suicide, 1 minor medical problem escalated to death and 1 probably the end of a progressive disease. I'm unmoored by grief and slogging fitfully through responsibilities.
posted by jointhedance at 5:41 AM on January 29 [22 favorites]


You know how when you feel really lonely, scared and alienated having a deep conversation with a friend can make it worse, because you feel yeah, THAT’S what I need, but it’s not enough, and then you feel even MORE lonely because now you know what you’re missing?

Yeah, that.
posted by The Toad at 6:52 AM on January 29 [12 favorites]


As there's no Corona virus thread, and in case anyone is curious about its development, which I recognize might be a little problematic here, but on the other hand information, not sensationalized, is better than not information. So, a link: Corona virus incidences, mapped

posted by From Bklyn at 7:25 AM on January 29 [6 favorites]


Can I get in on this?

My dad had a fall the other day and scared the shit out of us kids but after 2 CAT scans and an MRI and a neuro consult they say he just likely slipped on the ice but he doesn't remember a goddamn thing about what happened.

Our local school system is in the midst of fucking over 3/4ths of the students in the district to save some money on busing and they don't give a shit that they are "closing the achievement gap" between schools by fucking up the schools that are performing while making no changes to the ones that are failing. So now instead of walking to the school 1 fucking block from our house my kid will have to spend hours per day on a bus and that is stressing my wife and I out because the kid loses half his accessories on each walk home so we continuously have to find missing hats and gloves and god even knows how much he will lose on the bus, we bought this house explicitly to be near his community school but the board doesn't give a fuck about what parents have to say on the matter.

On top of everything else I feel like shit and my throat is raw as heck from coughing. YAY.
posted by caution live frogs at 7:40 AM on January 29 [6 favorites]


I have The Actual Flu, not a cold which I am overthinking. The second night I had it I had to get my wife to help prop me up so I could try and sleep without choking on all the wonderful stuff going down my throat. I was bad enough that the doctor heard me talk, did some poking and prodding, and then promptly wrote 4 prescriptions to help with the symptoms (and one for Tamiflu since I was still in the window, thank god). I am so tired of coughing, y'all. She actually wrote me a script for some cough medicine but it took two days for the pharmacy to get it in, so I took a dose last night and went to bed and it was amazing, but I'm still pretty zonked.

I am recovering now and I took two days off work so now I'm anxious I'm going to get let go. I have no reason to be anxious about it since I have good performance reviews and my manager likes me and the company is growing, but so it goes.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 7:48 AM on January 29 [10 favorites]


My mother is sick with a series of mystery ailments and slowly losing her ability to think, speak, or remember anything after about 6pm. But we can't get her to stop being drunk for long enough to confirm anything.

My job is a trash fire.

I think my relationship may be dying.

And I'm being ghosted by a friend. I've known him for years but always kind of distantly; recently we had become wonderfully close! Or at least it seemed that way. And then one day a couple weeks ago he just bailed in the middle of a text conversation and I haven't heard anything from him since. (But I know he's fine, he's on social media in all the usual ways.)

I don't know if I did something wrong or if it's completely unrelated but it was really abrupt and really quite hurts, and I miss him.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 8:17 AM on January 29 [15 favorites]


I had an ugly bout with the flu for the first half of January myself, complicated by the fact that on day 2, I had a gig and sang for a couple of hours. I couldn't speak normally for the next three weeks (not at all for the first week), though I felt about 60% better after 7 days, 80 or so% after 10 days otherwise. Still kind of cough and get hoarse easily. Worst.


*hugs* to all who want them, now that I am no longer contagious!!
posted by wellred at 8:18 AM on January 29 [5 favorites]


6 years ago I spent 6 months of my life waging total war against big Pharma so that I could order my baby’s specialty meds from a local pharmacy and not run out of supply due to mail-order specialty pharmacy fuckery. I won, and things were great (I mean, as great as it is to have to order $37,000 worth of meds in glass bottles per month, wait around for monthly deliveries, and hope that nothing goes wrong). Then my insurance plan changed in January with no warning, and FUCK WALGREENS PRIME ALLIANCE RX specialty pharmacy with the power of one million exploding stars. I literally had a representative on the phone say, “Every time I talk to people about their insurance, it makes me glad I don’t have any. I have diabetes, but I don’t qualify for insurance here because I’m a temp, so I just get a years worth of meds from the manufacturer for free.” WTF, AMERICA. I end every phone call with a different person telling me different reasons why my son’s med delivery is delayed, our hard-won backup supply is at unnecessary risk, and I cry after every phone call..

And the Minneapolis Public Schools is proposing a total district overhaul that will close my kid’s successfully-integrated K-8 magnet school and force him and 63% of all kids in the district to change schools. The administrators are claiming that their efforts are focused on equity, but they hired a bus transportation logistics company to crunch/package the data to reduce bus costs, their idea of community engagement is an online survey with close-ended multiple choice responses and “listening sessions” where they review/select questions submitted in advance, and so far their only modifications to the plan are token schools reincarnated in new places to check the boxes for Somali and Latinx families. The politics are ugly, the data doesn’t make sense, and I am stressed out about this will impact the systems and relationships we have put in place to keep my child healthy at school.

And fuck IT production support - I hate that part of my job so much.
posted by Maarika at 8:29 AM on January 29 [9 favorites]


ok so here is a thing: I have a great hottub but don't get in very often cause my hub never wants to and its boring alone. I need soak buddies! if you are in the bay area and would like to come by for a relaxing soak and primal bitch fest I'm completely serious HMU.

if you are not in the bay area I send you visions of hot soothing water you are gently immersed in, it caresses you and calms you completely. you are a gentle snow monkey.
posted by supermedusa at 8:44 AM on January 29 [26 favorites]


Things are really hard right now. My kid is dealing with heavy shit, my mom is deeply unwell and deeply dependent and resisting important treatment, and I am struggling with my mental health. We're fresh out of a 3-month kid-related crisis, and I'm about to get some difficult news that's going to set things spinning again with me trying to keep up. I'm powering through and telling myself and everybody else that I'm okay, we're okay, because that's what I say, but also because I know it could be so much worse. We're getting through it, so we're okay.

I'm grateful that I had something of an epiphany recently that made all of this doable. I would have been an utter wreck.

I just really want to cry, is all. Maybe a good long week of crying, and then I can get on with things again. I'm really good at getting up again.
posted by moira at 11:23 AM on January 29 [8 favorites]


Apparently wanting to have teeth is vanity and not covered by anything.
posted by Karmakaze at 11:37 AM on January 29 [16 favorites]


My therapist spent two months at the end of last year trying to get my (supposedly really good insurance) to reimburse her for sessions. They kept demanding (in violation of HIPAA regs) treatment notes. Their requests for information kept being sent to an address that's very definitely not hers.

Finally, mid-October, they approved everything waiting to be approved and updated all of their records to include her new address. In December, I submitted two months' worth of receipts for reimbursement, and another month's worth at the beginning of January.

Today, I called to check on all of this pending return to discover that they are ONCE AGAIN demanding treatment notes and ONCE AGAIN sending the requests to the Very Wrong Address and I don't have the spoons to argue with them and my therapist doesn't have time to do it either and I'd really like to pay her sometime soon.
posted by hanov3r at 12:04 PM on January 29 [9 favorites]


MiraK, I'm checking in to thank you for your compassionate encouragement yesterday evening. Instead of hiding under several layers of quilts, I got up this morning and got shit done (called a bankruptcy attorney and set up an appointment for tomorrow). Thank you again.
posted by catlet at 1:10 PM on January 29 [15 favorites]


Sorry, more swearing. Due to the stalker my career is over and I don't have a future, what with my disabilities and all being a huge barrier to future employment. My mental health is 100% gone. It is so, so, so bad.
posted by Mistress at 1:38 PM on January 29 [14 favorites]


I'm so sorry this is happening to you Mistress, its awful.
posted by supermedusa at 2:01 PM on January 29 [5 favorites]


Mistress, I am so so sorry. I know that doesn’t help anything in anyway but just … Fuck.
posted by Bella Donna at 2:47 PM on January 29 [5 favorites]


Thanks all. I have therapy, meds, all else, and I don't want to derail the thread further. I'm happy to speak to folks off thread about this if anyone is interested.
posted by Mistress at 3:12 PM on January 29 [5 favorites]


Mistress, you are not derailing, you are using as intended! I hope your therapist is helpful and compassionate, and you find some peace and ways of moving forward.

For everyone posting, goddammit. I really would like to scream for a couple days re: U.S. politics plus my 11 year relationship is probably over - (I'm pretty sure I said the same about 6 months ago and the situation is the same/slightly worse) - but all your stories are so much more immediate and terrible and tragic and I wish everyone the best. Everyone, be kind to yourself when you can.
posted by Glinn at 3:39 PM on January 29 [8 favorites]


Well. I'm really late to this party. But FUCK my degenerative disc disease that I've just been diagnosed with yesterday. My neck is absolutely killing me. And I'm doing temp work while trying to find a full-time job with benefits and I'm paying $1,500 a month for insurance for me and my husband right now. Fuck that shit!
posted by KleenexMakesaVeryGoodHat at 3:56 PM on January 29 [9 favorites]


There is a lot of oxygen and space in the screaming room. No pain-O-meter measuring instruments of comparison. People should post and talk about all the stuff, not feel like their fuckity-fuck is too little or weak. Scream!

I had a two week migraine for the first time in several years, and had forgotten how bad they can be. Me kids freaked out and I’m sort of on home arrest with the coronavirus because I have a lousy immune system - I got HFMD more than my kid when she was in preschool! My meds need adjusting which will suck but I am still in the floating happiness of Not Having A Migraine right now a week before the new appointment with my neurologist.

I am on the outs with my local church by choice over some internal matters, which is a whole Thing and it’s hard because Sunday service was/is a weekly social activity but the anger has been good in making me sturdier in some bits and clear eyed about what I believe. It is hard to stand up for yourself when it costs and say it aloud.

I wish I was tougher or healthier and then I have to remember that I was meant to be dead or done multiple times over and that I’m baffled because I didn’t have plans for this because I never really expected to be this old or this free. I get so angry at myself for not having it figured out and it’s hard to remember I’m starting over and not an idiot. And that idiots are beloved too.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 4:02 PM on January 29 [14 favorites]


Goddammit. Just goddammit.
posted by drivingmenuts at 4:12 PM on January 29 [3 favorites]


Four men that I know have died in the last four months. Two were grandfathers with cancer. Two were early middle-aged with cancer. Every one of them leaves a giant hole where they used to be. I am just so sad. Fuck cancer.
posted by 41swans at 4:30 PM on January 29 [7 favorites]


KleenexMakesaVeryGoodHat, I feel your pain. Literally. 20 years after my second surgery on a lumbar disc, I've finally gotten a doctor to actually listen to me about the weird connection between yawning and cramps that reach from my shoulder down to my hip, that have made me afraid to yawn, and yeah, I've got a disc letting go in my neck.

The doctor told me that the advil I've been taking for this is less than useless against nerve pain, and has put me on Lyrica, which my sister was on for her fibro. She ended up having to stop taking it because she ticked all sorts of side-effect boxes: weight gain (which she never managed to recover from), dizziness, and the one that got her to stop, giddiness and euphoria.

I want pain relief. This is negatively impacting how I am able to live my life, and a giant red flag telling me that my time in professional kitchen work is essentially over. At the same time, I am also terrified of ending up living out my life taking addictive pain killers, and would rather deal with the pain as long as I can rather than do that. Life was just sort of starting to stabilize after years of not being sure how I'd be able to get through the latest thing (and I am so, so grateful for these threads), and now this. Fuck.
posted by Ghidorah at 7:16 PM on January 29 [7 favorites]


After the year of holy sh!t fuck and stress and misery, I am slowly getting my head above water. I haven’t had any good energy to share in a long, long time so it feels nice to be able to give back. I have so many hugs to give those who need it, and am sending all the good vibes into the universe.
posted by gryphonlover at 10:06 PM on January 29 [6 favorites]


Carrots! Potatoes! Aubergines! Aubergines! Eggplants for those who need a translation! Vegetables!
posted by parmanparman at 10:43 PM on January 29 [1 favorite]


My fucking PTSD-related panic-presentation disorder is making me insane. I spent most of the day Monday (at work, because I don't have the flu) vomiting, and then yesterday most of the day was spent with my body presenting a panic (shaking hands, trembling sensation in my torso, ringing in my ears, lightly unsteady on my feet), and today everything was FINE until around 3 when it all started up again, FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON. My body is a fucking torture chamber I'm trapped in all the time and I miss my life before this took me over and I don't have any real solutions being presented. I'm taking medications and I'm trying to find a PTSD therapist I can work with who is in-network and it all feels stupid and impossible.

My job is a good one for me being like this, repetitive warehouse work, but fuck, I miss not spending most of every day thinking about what it feels like to exist in my body. There was a time when I just WAS. Body and self and everything all in harmony. Fuck.
posted by hippybear at 12:02 AM on January 30 [5 favorites]


I've been trying for months to get in to see an NHS therapist. I've seen one guy twice who keeps trying to refer me to other programs, but things move exceedingly slowly. I've managed to self-refer to yet another service, but the first open appointment isn't for over three weeks. Yay. Good thing I'm mostly coping. Mostly.

In work news, things are less stressful because the big stupid project with its impossible stupid deadlines is getting delayed by another year. (I'm not allowed to talk about it yet, really, but I'm pretty sure none of you works here, so...) However, I still have to deal with the consultant who keeps trying to overcomplicate things and grabs my mouse to click on things when he's looking at stuff on my laptop.

There are more details, but they're esoteric and technical and boring. The gist is that he's trying to slowly and terribly solve a problem that I already solved in like twenty lines of Python last year. I have not yet pushed his head through a window, and I'd like a medal for that.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 2:01 AM on January 30 [5 favorites]


Carrots! Potatoes! Aubergines! Aubergines! Eggplants for those who need a translation! Vegetables!

Are you... angry at these items? Is this comment a "fuck you" to vegetables? I am confused.
posted by lollusc at 4:02 AM on January 30 [6 favorites]


I split from my ex in November 2018 and filed for divorce in April 2019. I'm still married, and most of my ex's things are still in my house. Because of a combination of factors (mostly the other side pulling delay tactics), none of which are in my control, it'll probably be this way for a few more months, minimum. I'm so tired of having this as part of my life. It's like a little spigot that is constantly dripping out energy, that gets turned on full blast whenever there's movement on the case, then slowly gets closed, but never all the way.

My boss came back from a board meeting with the message of "I have the feeling that if I have any more failures, I'm not going to be working here anymore" . No pressure! Especially when he loves to overpile his plate and assign dates with very little wiggle room that rely on a lot of outside people getting things done.

At this point, I'm more at a "bleehhhhhhh" than a "fuccccccckkkkkkkkkk".

Sending internet love and hugs to all of you. I'm glad that we have this community.
posted by Sparky Buttons at 5:01 AM on January 30 [19 favorites]


Cortex. You are most of all in my mind right now. Darlin’ take yourself out for brunch then go for a walk in the rain. Hot bath. TV. Hug people you love. In other words, schedule a day off. A full day. That’s an order from a stranger.
posted by pipoquinha at 7:06 AM on January 30 [4 favorites]


My employer just now did the first of two rounds of pay deduction resulting from last November's strike action. It's a pretty hefty chunk. There's a union fund I can apply to (and I have), but I'm going to get less than a third of it back. There's also talk of a further set of strikes coming up pretty soon, so...yay.

I'm all for solidarity and collective bargaining and all that, but fuck, is it getting expensive.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 7:11 AM on January 30 [8 favorites]


WHY DO I WAKE UP PRACTICALLY EVERY WEEK THINKING, AHA, I HAVE A BRAND NEW IDEA, LET ME TRY THIS DAY WITHOUT MEDS AND SEE HOW IT GOES?

and then it invariably turns into three days without meds because when I'm off the meds, doing good and correct things like getting back on the meds becomes unaccountably difficult


Yeah, this is why I literally never skip a day even though some people skip weekends. I make the pill holder my first stop every morning. Hugs.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 7:53 AM on January 30 [10 favorites]


My mom died on Tuesday and I've been fighting to keep my marriage for several months. Been getting really low & sure could use a break.
posted by slkinsey at 8:19 AM on January 30 [34 favorites]


it's dumb compared to other stuff here, but right now i am just fucking furious that i am going to go to another social event that has no fucking vegetarian options. it is not hard to not add meat to ONE fucking thing.

i hate food so much, even outside of the vegetarian thing. i hate that i need it to live. i hate that i have to prepare it and think about it and spend money on it. i hate that doctors tell me to lose weight like there is no psychological aspect to my weight. i'm not fat because i like food, i'm fat because i spent years hating myself and being depressed and binge eating and was not given any healthy coping mechanisms. and anytime i have to focus on my weight i speed into a lot of self loathing and self hatred and my mental health plummets. i don't understand why doctors don't get that?

but mostly, i just want to be able to have some fucking snacks at the fucking super bowl gathering (or whatever), but instead i will get to have some plain tortilla chips or something.
posted by misanthropicsarah at 9:33 AM on January 30 [12 favorites]


I'm just tired all the time.

My job is always stressful and increasingly loaded with tasks nobody else wants to do. I'm also the only woman and the only queer person in the room, which means I'm expected to do a lot of extra emotional labor.

I don't think my relationship will survive the election, and I'm not sure how much I care anymore. 2016 almost killed it, and we've been dangling by a thread for a while now.
posted by Akhu at 10:41 AM on January 30 [11 favorites]


Had a nasty cold a couple weeks ago, which kept me out of work for a few days. It also depressed my immune system to the point that I'm now dealing with a case of shingles. The only good thing about this is that it's on my torso instead of my face. I'll be glad when I'm not taking antiviral meds 5 times a day.
posted by Roger Pittman at 11:00 AM on January 30 [5 favorites]


Mother Mary and I'm here feeling sorry for myself because of water on the knee which is minor FFFT material.

It's like I want to command everything to go better for everyone which is anger and frustration.

WHY, are some people oblivious...bobble- head barn buster bulking bullshit on to the rest of humanity.
posted by clavdivs at 12:13 PM on January 30 [4 favorites]


Sending everyone here who wants them a whole bunch of hugs.

♥ you all.
posted by Lynsey at 12:25 PM on January 30 [6 favorites]


Over the past year-ish the company I do software support for has lost about a third of our technical support staff, either through layoffs or (more usually) people leaving for greener pastures. Meanwhile the customer base is increasing like crazy, and they're all escalating more and more tickets to try to get their issues resolved more quickly, as if that's a magic lever to get us off our "lazy" asses and do some real work. The reality is that we don't have adequate time to spend on any one ticket anymore, so all but the simplest problems are taking longer and longer to get diagnosed and fixed. I literally have over 50 open tickets at the moment, which is pretty typical these days. Yet management has decreed there's a hiring freeze, so the obvious (and only realistic) solution of getting more engineers to cover the increased workload is a no-go. Everyone's scrambling to figure out how to fix this, all of which amounts to rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic. I can only assume the massive support contract fees they're extorting from customers is going straight into the CEO's pocket, 'cuz it damn sure isn't being used to provide the needed support resources.

Raises? Nope, ain't seen none'a them in about 8 years.

Now they're considering making it a requirement that engineers take some 24x7/weekend shifts - people are no longer volunteering to do them because we have No More Fucks To Give by the time we finish slogging through the normal 40 hour work week. Just a few minutes ago I assured my manager that I'll turn in my resignation rather than take a single extra shift, because if I have to give up a single minute of my already-inadequate two day weekend away from this ongoing dumpster fire I'll end up so fucking miserable I'll quit anyway. If I don't have a stress-induced heart attack first.

I got into this business because I truly enjoy helping people with their tech problems and teaching them how to deal with this complex tool. For that reason I've stayed at this job for 10 years even though it's the worst one I've ever had (and that includes janitor, construction, and waiter jobs in my youth), but at this point I'm so burned out and so fucking angry about how we're being treated, how we're expected to magically expand to absorb the extra work, that I'd rather face the terror of job hunting in my late 50's.

Fuck me.
posted by Greg_Ace at 2:11 PM on January 30 [11 favorites]


Fucking Claire McCaskill on MSNBC spouting the same centrist b.s. that cost her seat. Still bitter about this.
posted by fluttering hellfire at 4:14 PM on January 30 [4 favorites]


Goddamn, it is SO ANNOYING when you just want to get some boiling water for your coffee in the office kitchen and somebody is meticulously scrubbing with detergent every last piece of their lunch container with Zen-like focus AS IF A QUICK RINSE ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH BECAUSE IT CAN ALWAYS BE WASHED TONIGHT AT HOME!!!!

ARGH!!!!!

ALSO I LIVE IN THE FIRST WORLD.
posted by UbuRoivas at 12:17 AM on January 31 [6 favorites]


I don't mean to keep littering this thread with low-level fucks, but...I live in the UK. Today is, god help us all, Brexit day.

I've been invited out for after-work drinks by some coworkers. I'm going to go, because they're nice people and I like them. In the back of my mind, however, is the possibility of having a few too many and running into celebrating Brexiters. I'm really, really hoping I don't wind up doing something that gets me deported.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 2:01 AM on January 31 [12 favorites]


On top of my righteous annoyance at being stuck in an administrative role I don't want (and its not a coincidence that the person who should be taking over is male with enough seniority that it is easier to push it back on the perimenopausal-woman and chastise her for speaking "inappropriately" about someone else on the team taking it over - yeah the more I think about the situation the more pissed I become, anyway...)

Kid theBRKP had an orthodontist checkup this week and his adult canines are coming in almost sideways. Unfortunately, kiddo still has his baby canines. Which means kiddo will need to start treatment a year sooner than we anticipated.

Kiddo is taking the news well. I'm ok, but between the cost (which is a bit unreasonable, I knew this day was coming and saved up for it) and the fact that he will need an extraction and this is the first significant procedure he will have done and I woke up at 4:15 AM from seemingly unrelated angry-feeling dreams that I know are a manifestation of the anxiety I am feeling about this news.
posted by theBigRedKittyPurrs at 5:10 AM on January 31 [3 favorites]


Raises? Nope, ain't seen none'a them in about 8 years.

Same here. And we had a region-wide internal training last week, and some woman that was leading one of the training sessions and that had recently got a promotion actually had the nerve to tell her captive audience that she spent the money from her promotion and raise on some ridiculous pair of shoes. And then proceeded to describe them. Tone deaf just doesn't even cover it. It wasn't a good look.
posted by Pax at 5:21 AM on January 31 [6 favorites]


In deference to the mood of the Brexit thread, I won't comment there again because I'm not from the UK, but the idea that it doesn't directly impact people not in the UK is farcical. It is a global destabilization event and people who think otherwise have their heads in the sand. I mean, Nigel Farage has said as much - he hopes it breaks up the EU. Right now there's solidarity among the remaining EU nations, but how long will that last? Everything that was put in place post-WW2 to prevent That from Happening Again is coming undone. So, yeah, my passport is not impacted by Brexit, but everyone's future is. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.
posted by grumpybear69 at 7:48 AM on January 31 [6 favorites]


I've never had two years of just complete neglect at a job, it's weird.

-Started data department, get yelled at and abused by NOT GREAT HUMAN head accounts manager daily
-Exposed fraud from said accounts manager, taken off all data projects, no thanks given but not fired/reprimanded (because I was right)
-Told not to ask for a raise because I'd get a lower bonus
-Got the same bonus as last year
-Company owner bragged about everyone getting raises and higher bonuses, I flash back to being thanked for starting the data department and securing what's now a 10mil account (we are not a big company)
-Boss forgets to mention me in talking about our team at the same holiday party, we are 6 people and two had started that month...

So yeah, my job is a trash fire. But now that I'm in grad school, it's all I want to do and I'm thinking of going full time. But I still want to scream and storm out a lot.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 8:08 AM on January 31 [4 favorites]


I have to move apartments since after my terrible ex moved out, I've been paying too much rent on mine.

The apartment I really wanted was in my neighborhood and had a full kitchen that I could put an actual table in, but they hit me with a lease full of illegal bullshit so I ended up having to take an apartment with a galley kitchen in a huge building with way more stairs.

So I will be moving in winter in Minnesota, and have disability issues that make packing and unpacking painful and I don't know how much of my stuff is going to have to stay in storage.

On top of that, I'm trying to start dating again but everyone in my age group seems to either have kids or be poly or both, and nope nope nope nope nope.
posted by bile and syntax at 8:09 AM on January 31 [8 favorites]


FUCK WALGREENS PRIME ALLIANCE RX SPECIALTY PHARMACY. Fuuuuck fuuuuuuuuck fuuuuuuuck fuuuuuuck fuuuuuuuuck you. And fuck you, Navitus pharmacy benefit manager assholes for making me have to deal with this fucking pharmacy nightmare. And fuck you, employer, for carving out pharmacy benefits from the general health plan and hiring these fucking Navitus assholes to manage your pharmacy plan. When will my kid get his meds? Oh, it’s still in the insurance verification process? Oh, you don’t verify insurance on the last day of the month? Oh, tomorrow’s a Saturday so I have to call back next week to see if I can even schedule the FedEx delivery? Oh, the meds that my kid takes three times per day to avoid brain damage run out on Tuesday and YOU STILL DON’T GIVE A SHIT? FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU.
posted by Maarika at 8:33 AM on January 31 [7 favorites]


Oh also and probably more significantly: the pain care provider who figured out that I am massively vitamin D deficient, like, digesting my bones level deficient, and who was doing something about that... is no longer at my pain clinic because apparently someone else had hypercalcemia as a result of his vitamin plan, and the clinic is more interested in covering their asses than in treating this. Their calls to me? "Stop taking the vitamin D until you can get checked, but we're not checking you. You have to follow this up elsewhere on your own." Greaaaaaat. When I stopped, my depression spiked, so now I've restarted and still haven't had time to see my regular provider, who is probably not going to be down with this and will certainly be confused.
posted by bile and syntax at 9:30 AM on January 31 [5 favorites]


Along with continuing to struggle with what seems to be bipolar, newly diagnosed, and my insane rejection sensitive dysphoria regarding apply for jobs that gives me a panic attack every time I try, and my ongoing neck issues which continually exacerbate my chronic insomnia, my wife seems to have something called mast cell activation syndrome which almost no one knows anything about; the book on it was published in 2016. On the bright side, this is a relatively central problem that could cause many or most of her symptoms. (Incidentally, I now believe that most "chronic lyme" is probably MCAS, possibly exacerbated by the actual lyme disease.) On the downside, between it and her recent concussion, she needs (at least) two months of (unpaid) FMLA leave, so we have no income, and I'm so overwhelmed and exhausted and plagued by carpel tunnel/tendonitis that I haven't even finished writing the AskMe on how to... do this that I really need to post soon. LobsterMitten even helped, I just can't get it together.

I also dropped my anti-teeth-grinding in my sleep mouth guard in down the drain because the drain plug broke and won't stay open so we took it out. That's $500 to replace (though it's ten years old and was starting to not stay in so well, which is an aspiration hazard, but it's a terrible time for it). And my wife developed a Baker's cyst the other night but it presented more or less the same symptoms as a deep vein thrombosis so we went to the ER rather than waiting and seeing if it got better. So that'll be a fun bill too. Our insurance is pretty good but it's still an ER visit.

It feels like the entire world got cursed in 2016 and stuff just won't stop going wrong. I'd like to get off, please.
posted by Caduceus at 9:52 AM on January 31 [5 favorites]


In September I relocated out of state to take a new, higher prestige and also much higher stress job. At the time I figured it would be a challenge but I would work hard, do my best, and get through it. Then two days after Christmas my dad had a massive stroke, never woke up, and died early in the morning on New Year's Day. He was pretty young, seemingly in good health, and basically living his best life so it came as a complete shock to everyone. He also (being relatively young and seemingly in good health) had very little in the way of end-of-life planning in place so my brother and I have been scrambling to handle his affairs.

People ask how I'm doing and I appreciate the concern but really, no one wants to hear the whole true answer or hear the same thing for very long. Unlike when my mom died, more people around my age have experienced losing a parent so there is a little more active support and empathy. But let's be honest, grief is the kind of thing people turn away from.

So you know what? I REALLY AM NOT DOING WELL RIGHT NOW. I have been basically white-knuckling it through the last month and I don't see that changing soon. I took on a lot of stress already this year and I can't give any of it back. I can't go home, I can't magically feel settled at a new job a few months in, my long-distance relationship cannot magically become short-distance, and my remaining parent is gone.

Oh, also, my mother, aunt, grandfather, and now my dad all died around the winter holidays. "In the bleak mid-winter", indeed.
posted by 4rtemis at 9:59 AM on January 31 [10 favorites]


You know what, fuck the writers right in the ear.

Besides the ongoing tire fire that is my personal life there are now two world impacting slow motion Operation Foot-Bullets peaking within 24 hours (Impeachment and Brexit) and the Corona-virus thing which even if it ends up not being a global spanning pandemic is perfectly tweaking my fear of mega-disasters. The only way I can de-stress from these sort of things is by keeping somewhat abreast of what is happening and now I've got the impossible task of keeping up on three simultaneously.
posted by Mitheral at 10:18 AM on January 31 [2 favorites]


Okay, I asked for one small last accommodation and it was moving my cube to a slightly different one for actual good business reasons in addition to my not being so distracted. I was told no immediately.

I had a therapy session today and she said to just go ahead and ask. I warned her that once I did and if I was turned down, there was a very good chance I was going to quit. I promised to give it 48 hours consideration.

FUCK. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FU.CK.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 10:50 AM on January 31 [6 favorites]


OnTheLastCastle, you may know that I quit my job and finished my grad program full-time myself, less than a decade ago. It was a mixed bag of consequences but I don't regret it, my time in school was so wonderful. If you can manage financially I vote get out of the toxic situation!
posted by wellred at 10:52 AM on January 31 [3 favorites]


People ask how I'm doing and I appreciate the concern but really, no one wants to hear the whole true answer or hear the same thing for very long. Unlike when my mom died, more people around my age have experienced losing a parent so there is a little more active support and empathy. But let's be honest, grief is the kind of thing people turn away from.

4rtemis, I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through. I really feel you on this. It can be hard for people to help in these situations. I've had people say they were actively trying to give me space during a difficult time, and I'm thinking, "What, so I can be alone with my thoughts and emotions? Why the fuck would I want that?!"
posted by slkinsey at 10:54 AM on January 31 [4 favorites]


FUCK WALGREENS PRIME ALLIANCE RX SPECIALTY PHARMACY.

Oh, cosign, I am so sorry. My group has switched (back) to Accredo/ExpressScripts which for some reason is marginally better, but I remember asking the lady if she realized how sick I'm going to get missing three (3) weeks of medication, or if she cared, and she gave some "well, we have to follow the protocol for the renewal..."
posted by Pax at 12:09 PM on January 31 [4 favorites]


Also, the whole country is on fire, a billion creatures have died, thousands of houses have burned, today's going to be a lovely 39c/102f with a nighttime low of 26c/78f, and catastrophic fire conditions across the state, Canberra is now under serious threat from an out of control fire, and the denialist government which was ranked 57th out of 57 countries for climate policy had a brainfart yesterday, which was to burn more natural gas for energy because the government is nothing but a wholly owned subsidiary of the fossil fuel industry and Rupert Murdoch owns 3/4 of the country's newspapers with a total monopoly in some states.

Here's the brilliant First Dog on the Moon about the crisis.
posted by UbuRoivas at 1:29 PM on January 31 [6 favorites]


To give an idea how close the fires are to Canberra, Parliament House is just out of picture to the right, here.

Uhhhh, holy fuck.

This timelapse video is worth seeing to get an idea of the horror.
posted by UbuRoivas at 2:05 PM on January 31 [4 favorites]


In deference to the mood of the Brexit thread, I won't comment there again because I'm not from the UK

I'm from the UK and deeply personally affected by Brexit, but I've also been made to feel unwelcome in Brexit threads as I live in the EU. So my hyucking hyuk is both that in three minutes my country is going to be irreparably damaged and also that I can no longer discuss it here.
posted by Busy Old Fool at 2:58 PM on January 31 [5 favorites]


I've had two medical procedures this week - a colonoscopy and a small bowel X-ray, and not only was it stressful to deal with the possibility I may have Crohn's disease, preparing for and doing the tests was stressful too (well, I guess the colonoscopy wasn't, I was asleep) due to my high high health anxiety and emetophobia. I have been a wreck all week and then after the X-ray was done today I just kind of . . . fell apart. I feel like I have the flu, everything hurts, and although I intellectually know it is because I have finally relaxed a tick after almost 4 straight days of stress, it's actually causing me to panic more because DAMNIT WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY BODY.
posted by chainsofreedom at 5:08 PM on January 31 [6 favorites]


I'm going to insert a little good news into the thread, because it's in direct relation to my rant above: my daughter surprised me with a visit home from college that also involved getting her brother and her dad (aka my son and my husband) in on it and when my son walked in the kitchen for our pre-arranged dinner and my daughter was behind him, I just screamed and grabbed her and sobbed. In the midst of shit, I have people who love me and I need to remind myself of this ALL THE TIME. It's not like I forget, necessarily, it's just that I don't always think I deserve it.

We ALL deserve it. We all deserve people who love us. I love all of you, even if I don't know you in real life. If any of you ever need a pick-me-up or a word of encouragement or a virtual hug from a mom who will support you no matter what, hit me up. We need more love.
posted by cooker girl at 7:16 PM on January 31 [17 favorites]


What a lovely story and message, cooker girl <3
posted by Sparky Buttons at 7:28 PM on January 31 [4 favorites]


I’ve been having a breakdown all morning and there’s absolutely no one I can go to
posted by lesser weasel at 8:38 PM on January 31 [7 favorites]


lesser weasel, you can find links to mental health support resources on the site's There Is Help page. There are folks out there who want to help you!
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:20 PM on January 31 [5 favorites]


I'm just so tired.

I was burnt out by the time October came around last year, and I ended up taking almost two months of leave (mostly due to time in lieu and too much annual leave banked) from December to last week.

And I don't feel better. I mean, yes, fire flood plague volcanoes and the collapse of the liberal order, but I just want to feel rested, fuxake.
posted by prismatic7 at 3:15 AM on February 1 [3 favorites]


Another fuckity fuck: I haven't been skiing in seven years and finally decided to just go on a trip with a local meetup group. I signed up as soon as it was posted and venmo'd the money to the organizer. Like, one of the first 3 to sign up. I mentioned that I didn't have a car and would need to carpool. Since then I've been posting in the Meetup group, asking when the carpool arrangements were going to happen. I directly messaged the organizer. Nothing. Then I finally found a post about it on Facebook and asked there. I was informed that the discussion was happening in Facebook Messenger Chat. I don't have FB Messenger and only use the web mode on my phone, so it was a real challenge to find the tab where you find the notification that someone you don't know is trying to message you - it doesn't cause an indicator on the main FB page. I finally get to the chat, only to see that all of the carpool spots are filled up. Literally there is a message saying "The only thing left is grumpybear69." The trip is to Vermont, a 7 hour drive away, and I have no interest in renting a car and driving by myself because $$$ and also half of the point was to make new friends. So unless they find more people to go and those people have a car with a spot for me and they live near enough to coordinate, I am probably out the money for the trip. At least I can cancel my lift ticket order, But I'm severely disappointed in the organizer who straight-up ignored my messages on the main platform. Who uses FB messenger?! Anyhow, I won't be signing up for any more trips like this unless I have a friend going who has a car, because strangers != reliable.

I realize this is a pretty privileged fuckity fuck and don't expect much in the way of sympathy about my sad failed ski trip but grumpybearbride is tired of hearing about it and I needed to get it out somewhere else. Also it has resurfaced childhood-era feelings of rejection and abandonment which, COME ON, BRAIN. Get over it!
posted by grumpybear69 at 7:24 AM on February 1 [12 favorites]


Some good news in all of this:

'Solitary' lyrebirds band together to save themselves in 'incredible' show of unity under bushfire threat.

Lyrebirds are amazing mimics, and are often recorded making sounds like camera clicks and chainsaws, for example. Here's David Attenborough on lyrebirds. Well worth watching.

This magpie is doing what it can to keep up.
posted by UbuRoivas at 3:01 PM on February 1 [5 favorites]


Update: another person joined w/ a car who can give me a ride and also responds promptly to messages. It is unfucked!
posted by grumpybear69 at 3:29 PM on February 1 [24 favorites]


Yay Grumpy Bear!!
posted by KleenexMakesaVeryGoodHat at 3:37 PM on February 1 [3 favorites]


Oh yay, grumpybear!! Sometimes it's the smallest, pettiest things that break us, because we've been holding up so well under all the really big stuff. And, for the record, I didn't think your gripe was small or petty in any way. It's really super frustrating when people don't respond! It makes you feel like you don't matter and that people aren't listening!

I'm so glad you'll be able to go now!
posted by cooker girl at 6:52 AM on February 2 [1 favorite]


I found this thread a couple days too late for the true howling but. I am in the UK. Fuck Brexit, and fuck the politicians who grew it and nurtured it to fruition. Also, fuck my workplace which is fucking destroying 15+ years of my careful work on culture, after we SO NEARLY made it work anyway with a year of hard fucking slog. And damn nearly breaking under that pressure led to - fuck also unto my newly diagnosed ADHD and trying to process that news and titrate medication in the midst of the storm. With a side order of menopause. AND ANOTHER THING, looks like my mother, while well placed and cared for, is starting to slide into dementia, so that's fucking awesome.

New years are like Lucy with the football at this point. "Maybe it will be a better year?" - No, no it will not.

I would flee to Scotland or France except my foot is nailed to the floor here by family commitments, and honestly at this point I don't know if I could actually do any other job. Even if they'd hire me.

Fucking fuck!!
posted by Ilira at 9:39 AM on February 2 [10 favorites]


My parents are in their 80s and are becoming increasingly fragile. Mom was always the “tech person” but her memory is so bad now that she can’t remember how to use the computer and a lot of her passwords aren’t listed anywhere that I can find them. Dad resisted tech for so long and now is overwhelmed.

Mom is physically healthy but Dad has a lot of chronic health issues. He’s still pretty sharp mentally but ran out of gas the other day and couldn’t get his cellphone to work to get help. It ended up ok ( thank you to two Good Samaritan strangers!) but it could have been horrible.

Mom finally went for a comprehensive neurological evaluation recently and we are waiting on results but I can’t imagine the news is going to be good.

I’m an only child and there’s no other family here. I know people deal with this every day but I feel very helpless and sad and overwhelmed.
posted by bookmammal at 9:54 AM on February 2 [5 favorites]


bookmammal, I am my mother's only child and my father's 6th; all my siblings live far away and the care falls to me anyway because she's my biological mother, not theirs. I've been dealing with the elderly/sick parent care for about 3 years now. It does suck. Please feel free to MeMail me with any questions you have. If I have answers, I'm happy to share them, and if you just need to vent, I'll be there with an, "I totally understand."
posted by cooker girl at 9:57 AM on February 2 [3 favorites]


I got a call from my lawyer while I was at a Super Bowl party tonight, which was not good news (it wasn't bad necessarily, but definitely an unpleasant surprise) and put me in a little bit of an emotional tailspin. It'll be good fodder for my therapy appt tomorrow, at least.
posted by Sparky Buttons at 10:05 PM on February 2 [4 favorites]


Cheese plates! Sausage samplers! Duck confit! Holy mother of a pickled onion! Unsettled fringe of a silky blanket! Brightly coloured pieces of flatly crystalised sugary composites!
posted by parmanparman at 8:45 AM on February 3


Pear pimples for hairy fishnuts!*
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:31 AM on February 3 [4 favorites]


Okay, a rare anti-fuck for me, and it's a pretty big one--Mrs. Example and I just got our indefinite leave to remain applications approved. (For those of you not steeped in UK immigration law, we've basically just gotten permanent residency.) It's been a long, hard, painful, expensive road, but we're finally here. It's a massive relief.

I just wish it were under a different non-Brexity government, but you can't have everything.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 9:39 AM on February 3 [14 favorites]


Greg_Ace, your link is Opus-free, alas.
posted by holborne at 10:48 AM on February 3


Not really a huge deal in the scheme of things, but I just got a nastygram that sent me into a huge anxiety tailspin for most of the weekend. I'm sure it will die out, but right now, I'm mainlining Klonopin. Great.
posted by holborne at 10:50 AM on February 3 [1 favorite]


Sorry, holborne, not sure what the problem is; the link works for me on Windows and Android. Does this one work any better?
posted by Greg_Ace at 11:19 AM on February 3


Just had an amazing FWB weekend. I would so, so like to have more than FWB, and not just because I'm lonely (have known this man for 30 years, and always had a thing for him). He does not. He's not even particularly clear on the F part. But turning him down would mean that I have zero chances to snuggle, instead of one. And all the people who say "you are better than this! You don't need a man to be happy!" are in relationships, or were.

It seems to be God/Whomever's doing, not mine. I work at a company with a hundred male engineers. I go to a large church with lots of turnover. Everyone, including all my past therapists, has assured me that there's nothing wrong with me. Don't even get me started on the failure of online dating. It probably has to do with being a Generation Xer (aka the "Baby Bust). But going back to work on the Monday after such a great weekend, knowing that I'm back to the same old same old, is torture.
posted by Melismata at 11:28 AM on February 3 [8 favorites]


Does this one work any better?

Yop, thanks!
posted by holborne at 11:48 AM on February 3


Just found out about a family friend's really devastating cancer diagnosis - sort of my surrogate big brother. Learning that someone you love is maybe dying of cancer on the same day twitter is crowing about someone hateful having cancer is disorienting.
posted by ChuraChura at 6:39 PM on February 3 [4 favorites]


Fuck greedy, obsequious subs who think I can't see them trying to top from the bottom.
posted by fluttering hellfire at 4:52 AM on February 4 [5 favorites]


I met a clearly terrible person last night, and I told the (20 years younger) woman he was hanging all over to ditch the old guy (in those words - for the record, he is within a year of my age), but then when I left they were making out outside.

I barely managed to avoid screaming at him to get his drunken shitty hands off her.
posted by wellred at 5:55 AM on February 4 [3 favorites]


One of the small-but-big things that keeps fucking me up is trying and failing to disentangle (a) my real need to figure out how to cope with the impact of my anxiety etc on my ability to get shit done around here and in my life in general from (b) a sort of overarching sense of guilt and resulting stasis about doing other things when I'm not managing to do Work. I ended up after I don't know how many abortive attempts previously to talk about that a little on twitter today in the context of (not) making art, and it's something where I really wish I could get better about either doing work or doing something meaningful feeling instead of just spinning my fucking wheels doing neither a lot of the time.
posted by cortex (staff) at 3:44 PM on February 4 [9 favorites]


I've never been on a performance plan at work before.

But also I've never been on one where I was told my work was "excellent", that word was exclusively used, but they asked me to smile more and make sure I said hi to the company owners once a day each. That's it.

I wish I'd just gotten fired or something. Anyway, I know she did it because of how obviously upset and at the end of my rope I was to have a request to move my cube one over denied (it would be so much quieter there).
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 11:51 AM on February 5 [5 favorites]


Fuck cancer.

.
posted by Candleman at 11:10 PM on February 5 [2 favorites]


Cortex, as someone who follows you on twitter (does that sound stalkery? that's definitely not the intent) and appreciates the art you make and the explanations of the craft you put into it, and seeing what you're writing here, I want to tell you that you shouldn't feel any sort of guilt about giving yourself time to create. It seems, very clearly, to be a positive in your life. And you're very clearly working your ass off here. If, at some point between running this place and all it entails, and doing the creative work that seems to be such an outlet for you, you feel the need to stop, find the comfy spot on the sofa and do a little low intensity wall staring, that's nothing to feel any sort of guilt about. You can't be "on" all the time, and with the mental stresses and issues you've alluded to, I can't imagine that even if you could, it would be a terrible thing for you.

Obviously, I'm no mental health expert, but if you ended up sitting on the couch, sort of zoned out, I know several ice cream flavors that really complement enhanced wall study.
posted by Ghidorah at 12:42 AM on February 6 [5 favorites]


If there's anyone here who knows me IRL and has figured out who I am, then please don't broadcast this, because I don't know who my parents have told. But it appears that my mom has a brain tumor. I've suspected something was wrong for a while, so it's not a huge surprise, and my friend whose husband is a brain tumor researcher said that the fact that she's had symptoms for a while is actually probably a good sign, because it's probably not super-fast-growing. But fuck. Fuck.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 8:55 AM on February 6 [6 favorites]


So sorry to hear that ArbitraryAndCapricious.
posted by ellieBOA at 11:58 AM on February 6 [3 favorites]


(b) a sort of overarching sense of guilt and resulting stasis about doing other things when I'm not managing to do Work

Oh hey, it's my whole life for the past year and change. Only at least you're doing something that resembles work. I can't do anything because I've let my physical health slide so much and all our furniture is trash so nothing is ergonomic enough to use while I'm recovering without it causing me problems in some manner. And we have no money for this. We've spent so much money and my wife is on FMLA right now and I still haven't finished writing this AskMe, I just can't push through my depression and anxiety enough to figure out what I need to ask.

I think spending a decade on this website has done real damage to my confidence in my writing and my general intelligence. I'm better educated, more knowledgable, and more empathetic than I would have been otherwise, but being on and interacting with this website seldom if ever makes me feel smart or like I have much worth saying.

I've spent my whole adult life trying to convince myself that being a miserable misanthrope like I was when I was a teenager wasn't justified. That the world really wasn't so bad and that it was just that high school stunk and I was lonely and couldn't manage to date and once I was an adult I would get things figured out. I've seen lots of good people in that time, so somehow I managed this despite my relatively bad circumstances, for a long time, but I just don't know if I can do it anymore. I feel so hopeless, and at least a third of the country really is as truly terrible as I used to believe. I can't take care of my wife and I can't fucking get my psychological issues under control enough to work and I feel like every choice I make is a mistake, like I can't make the right decision to save my life, which is going to get literal if I can't start making good decisions.
posted by Caduceus at 9:30 AM on February 7 [3 favorites]


I'm not trying to one-up anyone. I just struggling. I'm sorry to everyone else who is too.
posted by Caduceus at 9:36 AM on February 7 [3 favorites]


I hope the mods will agree that this is on-topic for this thread:

I submitted a MeTa asking for a status update on the mods' anti-racism training. They told me they were going to hold my MeTa in the queue until after they had scheduled a meeting with an anti-racism consultant. Lobster Mitten told me that this was "so we can give that as status update."

I have spent the last week emailing the mods about my MeTa. They have still not approved it.

Instead, they published a status update of their own. They did not mention my MeTa. Nor did they describe themselves as having done anything more than "preliminary work" with their anti-racism consultant. Nor did they respond to my request for regular updates.

They did disable comments, so I am unable to ask for clarification.

I feel silenced and excluded from a community which I had regarded as my online home for more than a decade.
posted by meaty shoe puppet at 6:05 AM on February 12 [15 favorites]


My sister died of cancer less than five months ago. Last night my father called me to tell me he's been diagnosed with prostate cancer, and he's seeing an oncologist to start radiation and/or chemotherapy.

I'm running out of immediate family members.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 7:01 AM on February 12 [5 favorites]


I've been thinking about this comment I made a while ago. I said at the time, the MeFi management needs to act on its racism problem for brand management reasons if nothing else. It's very clear from the way that racism training update was posted that they are only acting out of brand management. If anyone (besides LobsterMitten, who has been doing a stand out -- and I mean that literally -- job of trying to take on board our feedback) actually cared about making this site more inclusive, you wouldn't be stonewalling our requests for input and updates until you can look more credible and cutting off the chance for feedback to save appearances.

It's more disappointing and despairing than anger inducing at this point. But it does make me say "fuck" to realize how many people that want to talk the talk are only doing it for appearance's sake. Feeds into my existential despair about this election season too.

Sigh...
posted by arabidopsis at 2:08 PM on February 12 [10 favorites]


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