dateme.com October 24, 2007 1:28 PM   Subscribe

So, it's come up a bunch of times, most recently here. Is date.metafilter.com a possibility (or dating status in the profile screen, or whatever was last discussed)?

Not that I'm looking or anything! Just idle curiosity you know!
posted by serazin to Feature Requests at 1:28 PM (226 comments total)

E-mail's in my profile, bro. *wink*
posted by dead_ at 1:31 PM on October 24, 2007


if it's as simple as adding a status: married/in a relationship/single/looking to the user page, plus private messaging, yeah we could do that this week.

If people want a full blown profiles/search/dating thing, then I guess it'd take a while (after we determine what the must-have features are for version 1.0).
posted by mathowie (staff) at 1:34 PM on October 24, 2007


Please, god, no.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 1:37 PM on October 24, 2007 [7 favorites]


Run from scope creep.
posted by chlorus at 1:37 PM on October 24, 2007 [3 favorites]


The only reason this could possibly be a good thing is for the extremely awkward relationship AskMe's it would eventually generate.
posted by Wolfdog at 1:38 PM on October 24, 2007 [9 favorites]


Dating? Too involved. *taps foot in rhythmic pattern against stall*

Just kidding. I wouldn't do that kind of thing.
Because I'm not a republican officeholder.

posted by boo_radley at 1:38 PM on October 24, 2007


I'm single and looking, btw.
posted by chlorus at 1:39 PM on October 24, 2007


if it's as simple as adding a status: married/in a relationship/single/looking to the user page, plus private messaging, yeah we could do that this week.

Why not? Make it optional, and the new mefi mail thing makes it a nice package.
posted by serazin at 1:41 PM on October 24, 2007


I guess we'd also need: straight/gay/bi/etc as well?
posted by mathowie (staff) at 1:42 PM on October 24, 2007


is going to a meetup so hard?
posted by Stynxno at 1:42 PM on October 24, 2007 [1 favorite]


"If people want a full blown profiles/search/dating thing, then I guess it'd take a while (after we determine what the must-have features are for version 1.0)."

Well, it should include jpegs (or animated gifs) of my cock, a feature that has somehow been repeatedly overlooked in the expansion of Metafilter.

(Sorry, ladies, that flaccid tube sock is taken!)
posted by klangklangston at 1:45 PM on October 24, 2007 [5 favorites]


"I guess we'd also need: straight/gay/bi/etc as well?"

No, I think we just go with the assumption that anyone single on Metafilter is pretty much open to having sex with anyone else single on Metafilter.
posted by klangklangston at 1:46 PM on October 24, 2007 [10 favorites]


How about a new sort of MeFi Swap?
posted by kosem at 1:49 PM on October 24, 2007 [4 favorites]


is going to a meetup so hard?

You know, I've been to a lot of meetups and I've never seen anything sexy happening.

Of course, it may just be that I leave too early.
posted by timeistight at 1:51 PM on October 24, 2007


What about length?
posted by eyeballkid at 1:52 PM on October 24, 2007


I'd suggest instead of "straight/gay/bi" that we go back to the "looking for men/women (check all that apply)" option. But whatever, I aint picky.
posted by serazin at 1:52 PM on October 24, 2007


I'm totally into this DateMe idea:

About me: I'm wearing a black vinyl miniskirt, no underwear and a beautiful ruffled corset. I'm a naughty girl of mixed Swedish-Balinese heritage, weigh 110 pounds and like big bear-like men who don't bathe and engage in MetaTalk flame wars. I'm also bi-curious and would like to know what it's like with another woman, and I don't mind if you watch me, or even film us together.*

If you're interested, send me a MeFiMail!




*Since we can't upload images, I imagine this is pretty much how MetaDate would turn out.
posted by KokuRyu at 1:52 PM on October 24, 2007 [2 favorites]


E-mail's in my profile, bro. *wink*
posted by dead_ at 1:31 PM on October 24 [+] [!]


dead_, I'm flattered!
posted by serazin at 1:53 PM on October 24, 2007


looking for men/women
Don't neglect the "etc" option.
posted by Wolfdog at 1:54 PM on October 24, 2007 [1 favorite]


I think one learns a lot more about a potential date (both good and bad) through a perfunctory glance at their posting history than by those inane self-essays on dating sites. Did I mention that I hate the inane self-essays on dating sites?

I think the easiest/best to do something like this would be simply to add an "extended profile" section that's not displayed by default, but instead adding to one's profile a button/link for those who are interested to click on and display things like that person's photos, a brief message about what they're looking for, etc. Combined with user searchability (we already have user locations) and it's pretty much all you'd need.

Others have brought up adding dating sites to one's list of social apps -- for instance, OkCupid has well-formed URLs that are tailored for this.


is going to a meetup so hard?

OMG, so a cute girl might be checking me out at a meetup? NEED MORE ALCOHOL.
posted by DaShiv at 1:55 PM on October 24, 2007 [2 favorites]


You know, I'm not sure how best to phrase the straight/gay/by or gender thing to avoid freaking anyone out/pissing anyone off.

In the last thread we talked about simply adding a fill in the blank screen labeled:

I am a ________ looking for ____________

Basically, I don't care that much about how its phrased. I wouldn't want us to get too bogged down in phrasing and then drop the idea, you know?
posted by serazin at 1:56 PM on October 24, 2007


I also think we should include a list of sexual activities you are for or against engaging in with a potential partner. Because I'll be damned if I'm gonna bother taking someone out to dinner only to find out later that she won't piss on me.
posted by shmegegge at 1:57 PM on October 24, 2007 [6 favorites]


OMG, so a cute girl might be checking me out at a meetup? NEED MORE ALCOHOL.

wasn't there an ask.me about this?
posted by Stynxno at 1:57 PM on October 24, 2007


sorry, DaShiv, she's only checking out your camera.
posted by shmegegge at 1:58 PM on October 24, 2007


Maybe also a radio button option so you can specify if you're a dog person or a cat person or a cat-declawing person.
posted by cortex (staff) at 2:03 PM on October 24, 2007 [3 favorites]


also if you're blind.
posted by Stynxno at 2:04 PM on October 24, 2007


Maybe also a radio button option so you can specify if you're a dog person or a cat person or a cat-declawing person.

Yes. Please don't be hatin on the furries.
posted by Terminal Verbosity at 2:08 PM on October 24, 2007


You know, I was just thinking that the Internet needs another dating site.
posted by box at 2:08 PM on October 24, 2007 [6 favorites]


Oh my god... the person who favorited a comment is single... do they like me?... what if I post another comment and they do not like it?... I know, today I will post a comment in all lowercase, to show I'm casual, not uptight, just normal, right? But maybe that's too casual and it will put them off, like I'm some idiot who can't find the shift key. Maybe I'll post a response to an AskMe question about relationships, to show that I'm thinking about it - but not post an actual AskMetafilter question about meeting people, because that's too much and it's weird and it would put them off. Remember: just be normal. Wait a second... their RSS feed is blinking. Oh my god. They just posted a thread to a link to an article that says everyone needs to vote for Alan Keyes and now they are in the middle of an epic flameout on MetaTalk. I get it - this person is crazy.
posted by milkrate at 2:13 PM on October 24, 2007 [20 favorites]


Dude, do you really want to have to worry about how you're dressed and is your hair alright before logging on to MeFi?
posted by signal at 2:18 PM on October 24, 2007


Why not just make it an open field, so people can type whatever they like?
posted by dismas at 2:19 PM on October 24, 2007


if it's as simple as adding a status: married/in a relationship/single/looking to the user page, plus private messaging...

Someone mentioned a members-only free form text box in our profiles a while ago here. This sounds to me like a nice general solution to things like this.
posted by philomathoholic at 2:19 PM on October 24, 2007 [3 favorites]


if this happens, can all questions in ask.me pertaining to date.me relationships be non-annon?
posted by Stynxno at 2:20 PM on October 24, 2007


DateMe: But whatever, I aint picky.
posted by ND¢ at 2:21 PM on October 24, 2007


Well, it should include jpegs (or animated gifs) of my cock, a feature that has somehow been repeatedly overlooked in the expansion of Metafilter.
(Sorry, ladies, that flaccid tube sock is taken!)

posted by klangklangston

And now everybody knows that expansion and your cock don't work together.
posted by micayetoca at 2:23 PM on October 24, 2007 [1 favorite]


For those who have successful DateMe meet-ups and need a little baby-making music, here is a live Hall & Oates concert from 1977. Put that on and break out the wine coolers. That will get things happening. You're welcome.
posted by ND¢ at 2:27 PM on October 24, 2007 [1 favorite]


If people want a full blown profiles/search/dating thing

No. We do not.

If you want to meet Mefites to date or hook-up with or whatever, go to a meetup. If there are no meetups in your area, plan one. If you can't find anyone to meetup with, move. If you don't want to move, e-mail people whose writings you admire. If you're too lazy to do that, why should a dating site be built for you?
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 2:27 PM on October 24, 2007 [5 favorites]


I guess we'd also need: straight/gay/bi/etc as well?

Don't forget the midgets. And precisely how many snakes do you prefer at your orgies? Because some people are only into one or two, while others get all hot and bothered watching that scene in the temple in the first Indiana Jones movie...
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 2:30 PM on October 24, 2007


Just pass someone a note in study hall if you think they're cute.
posted by iconomy at 2:32 PM on October 24, 2007 [1 favorite]


TPS is right, of course, but one more line to fill in on user profile pages couldn't hurt.

Except when you find somebody, of course.. And they discover that you haven't changed "single" to "madly in love" yet.
posted by Chuckles at 2:36 PM on October 24, 2007


DOES YOU LIKE ME CHECK YES OR NO
posted by klangklangston at 2:38 PM on October 24, 2007 [1 favorite]


I am a ________ looking for ____________

Ooo, Madlibs! I am a DESERT looking for A HORSE WITH NO NAME.
posted by soundofsuburbia at 2:39 PM on October 24, 2007 [18 favorites]


if u like me send me a pm if i like u ill send u 1 back ok
posted by iconomy at 2:41 PM on October 24, 2007


*pokes iconomy*
posted by soundofsuburbia at 2:43 PM on October 24, 2007


Sorry. I do like the DateMe idea, I say go for it. And then sidebar the marriages!
posted by soundofsuburbia at 2:44 PM on October 24, 2007


If you're too lazy to do that, why should a dating site be built for you?

Because they have a purty mouth.

and what about swinging.metafilter for the married set?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:45 PM on October 24, 2007


You know, I've been to a lot of meetups and I've never seen anything sexy happening.

Of course, it may just be that I leave too early.


I'm confused - aren't all meetups sleepovers?
posted by thatothrgirl at 2:47 PM on October 24, 2007


As long as there are updates in MeTa (as in Updatefilter: kosem didn't call me. What a dick lol!"), and as long as that thing that says "Also On" will henceforth include hotornot.com, adultfriendfinder, and jdate, I say fire it up.
posted by kosem at 2:54 PM on October 24, 2007


MeFi, your pix gets mine.
posted by sneakin at 2:54 PM on October 24, 2007


Gee, if only there was some location on the profile page where you could put personal text, including information on orientation and relationship status...

I think that mathowie has to seriously think about the direction MetaFilter is taking. We have MeFiMail, and soon we will have travel.metafilter and who knows what else.

I agree that this is feature creep. I would add one or two more optional textareas for people's profiles, and allow them to select one picture from, say, Flickr, that they can set up as their profile picture if they so choose. That's as much as you need to do.

For those of you who are looking for a potential mate, I had excellent success with OkCupid. I met my current GF there. We're something like 90+% compatible and it's wonderful.
posted by Deathalicious at 2:59 PM on October 24, 2007


I'm taken, but I vote yes to anything with the potential for hilarious. And the breakup/flameout MeTa threads that this can engender will be hi-larious.
posted by Bookhouse at 3:01 PM on October 24, 2007


Deathalicious,

What exactly is the danger of adding more features? I kind of love the idea of having metafilter as a homebase where I can do a bunch of different stuff. Why not?

I certainly don't want to burden the admins with a bunch more work, but if they're OK with it, what is the possible harm?
posted by serazin at 3:02 PM on October 24, 2007


Guys, I work for a dating site (should say have, for multiple years). It's massive, as in, bigger than klangklangston's "cock" (in quotations because to me at this point, it's mythical). If anyone wants some inside pointers or verbiage on MeFiMatch, uh, send me a MeMail. I'd be happy to help!

I'm already dating one of you people, but hey, the more the merrier (MeFi couples, that is)!
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 3:02 PM on October 24, 2007


And Ask Metafilter takes care of that 10%, right?
posted by iamkimiam at 3:07 PM on October 24, 2007


DateMe would be like an AskMe trainwreck and a MeTa flameout all rolled up in one. DO IT
posted by brain_drain at 3:10 PM on October 24, 2007 [2 favorites]


I guess we'd also need: straight/gay/bi/etc as well?

Any port in a storm.
posted by kirkaracha at 3:14 PM on October 24, 2007


Any port in a storm
A hole is a hole --bon jovi
posted by nomisxid at 3:18 PM on October 24, 2007


Yes, but how many holes?

Radio buttons for number of holes, plz.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 3:20 PM on October 24, 2007 [1 favorite]


Gee, if only there was some location on the profile page where you could put personal text, including information on orientation and relationship status...

Thing is, you'd have to check a lot of profiles before finding anyone who'd share out that info - too much frog-kissing. How about an opt-in icon for DateMe users - something that sits unobtrusively in the signature line; kinda like

posted by StudlyCasanova at 4:07 PM on October 24 [+] [!] []

...as inspired by Rock Steady's contribution in the more recent MeMail thread.
posted by hangashore at 3:26 PM on October 24, 2007 [3 favorites]


Admins - trust me, you don't want none of this.

Running an online dating site is a whole can of worms that you just don't want to open.

Leave it on the shelf, and walk away slowly.

If you want me to elaborate, email is in profile.
posted by Afroblanco at 3:29 PM on October 24, 2007 [1 favorite]


^^^ example of coy come-on
posted by cortex (staff) at 3:31 PM on October 24, 2007


cortex, you make me blush.
posted by Afroblanco at 3:33 PM on October 24, 2007


This is as good a time as any to declare I've got first rights on a wacky romantic comedy-drama based on the real-life story of the members of a social bookmarking site who lose track of which sockpuppet accounts they're using with each other as they fall in and out of love.
posted by ardgedee at 3:36 PM on October 24, 2007 [5 favorites]


Oh man, I can picture the great anonymous AskMe questions now.

"Hope me hivemind. I am dating someone online and they have asked if they can cyber-fist me. What should I do?"
posted by Razzle Bathbone at 3:38 PM on October 24, 2007


That's a question I think needs to be answered now
posted by aramaic at 3:42 PM on October 24, 2007


others get all hot and bothered watching that scene in the temple in the first Indiana Jones movie...

That scene was in the second Indiana Jones movie.

You just failed the only test I give to potential dates.
posted by Pater Aletheias at 3:44 PM on October 24, 2007 [2 favorites]


I thought this was already implemented?
posted by carsonb at 3:51 PM on October 24, 2007


"That scene was in the second Indiana Jones movie."

I thought he meant the underground excavation part of Lost Ark.

You know, with the snakes.
posted by klangklangston at 3:55 PM on October 24, 2007


"and what about swinging.metafilter for the married set?"

key-exchange.metafilter.com

pb could develop a virtual fishbowl. It would be so easy.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 4:16 PM on October 24, 2007 [1 favorite]


I endorse this proposition but with two caveats.

1) No matter what all dates must end in some form of mutually agreed upon sexual intercourse. This does not have to involve one or both "daters." The use of professionals is permitted.

2) Said sexual intercourse will be video taped and posted for free download with the option to purchase more.

This would fill a much vacant niche on the internet.

Otherwise? DO NOT WANT.
posted by tkchrist at 4:23 PM on October 24, 2007


I second stavrosthewonderchicken:

Please, god, no.
posted by IndigoRain at 4:23 PM on October 24, 2007


I thought about dating ThePinkSuperhero, but then I realized that it wouldn't work. Firstly because I don't actually know her. Second, because I've been told that she has good taste and would have none of my bullshit. Third, because her profile makes me cry like a child, and that's just not attractive in an grown man.

That I'm happily married never even crossed my mind.
posted by quin at 4:24 PM on October 24, 2007


Re: feature creep.

One of my favorite aspects of Mefi Mail is how one can easily opt out of it entirely. As long as DateMe features were entirely opt-in, it would only take a few new features (extended profile with photo(s), profile searches for receptive users within x miles, and so on) to satisfy those who would like to see this happen.

I know that if I weren't seriously looking to date, my biggest problem with DateMe would be the annoyance from seeing its features (for example, what hangashore suggested) embedded throughout the site. And if I were seriously looking to date, my biggest problem with DateMe would be in actually spotting others in the same boat and finding out more about them. That's why it would be best to have a thorough opt in/out system to cater to both sides. There should be no signs of DateMe at all for those who don't enable it via a radio button in their profile edit page.

I'm surprised by the animosity against harnessing Mefi's social networking abilities in a way that would make many users happier. Cruft is in the eyes of the beholder. I don't use MuFi, for instance, but I don't begrudge it for merely existing. It's simply another direction for Mefi that enough in this community finds useful and fulfilling. DateMe wouldn't even need an entire subsite -- just a few simple tools. And I suspect that DateMe would be used far more often than MuFi, Jobs, etc.
posted by DaShiv at 4:26 PM on October 24, 2007 [2 favorites]


I think DateMe should be implemented just like every other part of MetaFilter.

The OP crafts a post describing themselves, their interests, and what they're looking for. Other members then come by and post to the DateMe thread with various bon mots, haiku, LOLcat nonsense, (OH HAI, I CAN HAS EROTIK MASSAGE?) and other signs of interest ("meh," "I saw this on BoingBoing last week," etc.)

The OP then gets to pick whichever response they like best, and mark it as Best Answer.
posted by lekvar at 4:27 PM on October 24, 2007 [14 favorites]


This is why we can only have half of the nice things following the divorce settlement.
posted by Samuel Farrow at 4:28 PM on October 24, 2007


Single, 12-qt., heavy-gauge, hard anodized aluminum stock pot with stick-resistant surface, looking for shiny black cookware for hot, steamy relationship.
posted by Pot at 4:29 PM on October 24, 2007 [2 favorites]


Could you guys possibly incorporate some sort of Google maps widget into our profiles that show the locations, sizes, and hours of all the nearest gloryholes?

Thanks!
posted by item at 4:29 PM on October 24, 2007


12-qt., heavy-gauge, hard anodized aluminum stock pot with stick-resistant surface? More like a 3-qt tin chafing dish, amirite?
posted by Kettle at 4:30 PM on October 24, 2007 [2 favorites]


12-qt., heavy-gauge, hard anodized aluminum stock pot with stick-resistant surface,

Did anyone else find that oddly arousing?
posted by quin at 4:35 PM on October 24, 2007


If people want a full blown profiles/search/dating thing, then I guess it'd take a while (after we determine what the must-have features are for version 1.0).
posted by mathowie


O.k. Who stole mathowies password.
posted by justgary at 4:47 PM on October 24, 2007


Since I'm happily married, the whole thing would be pointless.

FOR YOU GUYS!! hahahaha
posted by jonmc at 4:53 PM on October 24, 2007 [2 favorites]


I'm confused by all the people who are jumping in saying "no no no" but clearly have no use for the feature anyway...Uh I'm single, I probably wouldn't use the feature, but I wholeheartedly approve of the feature anyway. More mefites gettin' it on is alright by me.
posted by SassHat at 4:57 PM on October 24, 2007 [1 favorite]


The OP crafts a post describing themselves, their interests, and what they're looking for. Other members then come by and post to the DateMe thread with various bon mots, haiku, LOLcat nonsense, (OH HAI, I CAN HAS EROTIK MASSAGE?) and other signs of interest ("meh," "I saw this on BoingBoing last week," etc.)

Awesome.
posted by Rock Steady at 5:04 PM on October 24, 2007


Nine thumbs down.
posted by Joseph Gurl at 5:42 PM on October 24, 2007


What we need is a virtual goods trading system. We should be able to trade favorites for sexual acts or for specific-duration GFEs/BFEs, and so on. Naturally, the exchange rates should be floating, not fixed.
posted by meehawl at 5:52 PM on October 24, 2007


Also, some people appreciate safety in dating. We could link it with a user identity verification system.
posted by meehawl at 5:58 PM on October 24, 2007


I'm a cute, thirty-something gay man. I like long walks on the beach, the occasional gin martini, and I can boogie like pre-breakdown Britney.

[REJECTED] by MeFiHarmony!
posted by gummi at 6:01 PM on October 24, 2007


I'm confused by all the people who are jumping in saying 'no no no'

They say no, but they mean to say yes my mountain flower and first I put my arms around him yes and drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts all perfume yes and his heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will Yes.
posted by kirkaracha at 6:06 PM on October 24, 2007 [7 favorites]


More mefites gettin' it on is alright by me.

one word: breeding.
posted by jonmc at 6:07 PM on October 24, 2007


I'm a stockbroker. I make lots and lots of money. Email in profile.
posted by Mr. President Dr. Steve Elvis America at 6:07 PM on October 24, 2007


I put on my robe and wizard MeFi hat tshirt.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 6:15 PM on October 24, 2007


one word: breeding.

We'll all end up breeding, anyway. This way just keeps it alllll in the family.
posted by katillathehun at 6:17 PM on October 24, 2007 [1 favorite]


MeFi Date Inbox has 4 notifications:

miss lynnster has poked you!!
[ poke miss lynnster! | ignore | report abuse ]

scody has sent you 2 winks!!!!
[ wink back! | ignore | report abuse ]

u.n. owen wants some money!!!!!
[ give money | deny | report abuse ]

There is a small mailbox here.
[ go north | examine mailbox | open mailbox ]
posted by brownpau at 6:26 PM on October 24, 2007 [28 favorites]


Oh, and I think DaShiv's idea is perfect. Opt-in for those who want, and they'd see the extended profiles and little heart icon (great idea btw) beside usernames. Those who don't opt-in don't see anything different on the site. Best of both worlds.

And I have to agree with the ID verification. I think you shouldn't be able to even activate DateMe without a verification of some sort. One site I belong to requires you to take a photo holding a handwritten unique identifier that the site provides. It's not perfect, but it weeds out most of the crazies and fakes.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 6:31 PM on October 24, 2007 [1 favorite]


I think one learns a lot more about a potential date (both good and bad) through a perfunctory glance at their posting history than by those inane self-essays on dating sites.

Maybe, but I very rarely post (as opposed to commenting) and one of the top tags that shows up in my posting history is "gay", which would be very misleading if anybody chose to draw any conclusions from it.

Being currently single, though, the "handparty" tag isn't quite as misleading.
posted by UbuRoivas at 6:35 PM on October 24, 2007


DOES YOU LIKE ME CHECK YES OR NO

I CAN HAS FURBURGER?
posted by UbuRoivas at 6:40 PM on October 24, 2007 [2 favorites]


bp, you nearly became my favorite with that comment.

Nearly.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 6:41 PM on October 24, 2007


I CAN HAS PURPLE HEADED WOMB FERRET?
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 6:42 PM on October 24, 2007 [4 favorites]


Ooh a post for every relationship.

Come on baby, I didn't know she was your sister!
post by Dick at 9:34 PM on October 24 [+] [!]

Shut up. Quit calling me.
post by Jane at 9:35 PM on October 24 [+] [!]

This relationships has ended and is closed to new comments
posted by ALongDecember at 6:43 PM on October 24, 2007 [1 favorite]


weeds out most of the crazies and fakes.

Well there goes my chance of meeting a nice absent-minded scientist engineer nerd. On the other hand, I kiss and ban.

I am _jessamyn_ looking for _wife-type polymath, male_
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 6:46 PM on October 24, 2007 [2 favorites]


OMG, so a cute girl might be checking me out at a meetup? NEED MORE ALCOHOL.

DaShiv, are you really *that* oblivious? I guess there's just no helping some people...
posted by UbuRoivas at 6:48 PM on October 24, 2007


Wow, TPS is smokin hot.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 6:53 PM on October 24, 2007


hey, TPS, the gay dude thinks you're hot.
(but that's cool, lesbians dig me)
posted by jonmc at 6:58 PM on October 24, 2007


Perhaps there could also be some zillow-like features, like "make me break up my marriage" where you can list out a set of requirements and someone can make you that offer.

I personally cannot wait for the in-thread sniping that occurs amongst the newly broken up and the first banning of someone who just won't take "no" as an answer.
posted by maxwelton at 7:02 PM on October 24, 2007


I'm surprised by the animosity against harnessing Mefi's social networking abilities in a way that would make many users happier.

DaShiv, I can't speak for Stavros this time, but the reason I personally feel this way is because Metafilter does not feel like a social network, and I don't want it to become just another social network. It would feel, to me, like MeFi is just indiscriminately jumping on the Web 2.0 bandwagon for no good reason. However, if DateMe comes into existence, I won't begrudge it... I'll just ignore it. I would like it if, as many have suggested, there is no appearance of it on the site if you choose to opt out.

You mention making users happier - it could also make them sadder, angrier, etc... with nasty breakups.

If I saw a MeFi member I was interested in, I'd go to their profile and find out about them, and e-mail or MeFi Mail them. What more do we need? (Rhetorical question.)
posted by IndigoRain at 7:02 PM on October 24, 2007


Metafilter does not feel like a social network,

More like a sociopathic network, amirite...
posted by jonmc at 7:04 PM on October 24, 2007 [1 favorite]


"MeFi is just indiscriminately jumping on the Web 2.0 bandwagon"

Metafiltr
posted by mr_crash_davis at 7:07 PM on October 24, 2007


If I saw a MeFi member I was interested in, I'd go to their profile and find out about them, and e-mail or MeFi Mail them. What more do we need? (Rhetorical question.)

I think the point is that having such a feature would allow people to positively indicate that they welcome such interest. I've had one or two somewhat unwelcome emails from users who were interested in me over the past couple of years... I think if we had a DateMe thing in profiles, people would know "Hey, this person didn't put DateMe in, so I probably shouldn't try to DateThem."

Well, it's a hope, anyway.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 7:12 PM on October 24, 2007


...Hilarity ensues!
posted by kittens for breakfast at 7:13 PM on October 24, 2007


DaShiv, are you really *that* oblivious?

Wow, they fixed the captions on the slideshow.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:21 PM on October 24, 2007 [1 favorite]


I personally cannot wait for the in-thread sniping that occurs amongst the newly broken up and the first banning of someone who just won't take "no" as an answer.

Seriously, though, THIS is why Metafilter should not open a dating branch.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:24 PM on October 24, 2007 [1 favorite]


Actually, that's a really great point. The userbase has collectively proven that if we can be jerks, many of us will be, on average. Throw a failed date or relationship into that and all hell will break loose.

Mattamynx, if you decide to implement this feature, warn me so I can buy shares in Orville Redenbacher, ok?
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 7:27 PM on October 24, 2007


There seems to be some resistance to the idea, so maybe metafilter isn't the right place for dating, which is too bad, cause really it's the perfect place for it.

Back when the nerve dating site bit the dust, i had a conversation with a bunch of friends about why all online dating sites sucked so much. These were my "smart" friends, all of whom have work in tech fields as programmers designers, project managers, etc. The upshot of the conversation was that all online dating sites sucked, and will continue to do so for two reasons.

1) It's a solo activity, whereas in real life meeting people is usually a social activity. Social networking sites address that issue somewhat, but there's too much other stuff going in, and they facilitate networking moreso than community.

2)They are all profile based, and not activity based. Finding commonalities through shared activity is much more naturalistic than the "here's a list of attributes that i think are attractive" scenario.

More recently, sites like iminlikewithyou, and consumating have attempted to get past the "shopping for a mate" aspect of online dating. Not really sure if they hit the mark. I think Metafilter with dating funcionality would be an interesting experiment, in that it is a "place" and not a "tool".
posted by billyfleetwood at 7:28 PM on October 24, 2007 [1 favorite]


Seriously, though, THIS is why Metafilter should not open a dating branch.

I dunno. A reasonable solution would be to restrict the warring parties to only being able to post RelationshipFilter AskMes.

Hilarity ensures. Or sanity. But most likely, hilarity.
posted by UbuRoivas at 7:31 PM on October 24, 2007


I should also add, that I can think of about 5 immediate reasons why it's a bad idea also. I'm not for or against, I just think it's an interesting concept.
posted by billyfleetwood at 7:31 PM on October 24, 2007


Actually, that's a really great point. The userbase has collectively proven that if we can be jerks, many of us will be, on average. Throw a failed date or relationship into that and all hell will break loose.

Dude, I know. Hilarity ensues!
posted by kittens for breakfast at 7:31 PM on October 24, 2007


Metafiltr

Too late.
posted by cortex (staff) at 7:35 PM on October 24, 2007


I think Metafilter with dating funcionality would be an interesting experiment, in that it is a "place" and not a "tool".

Except that it would become a "tool" for hordes of noobs who want nothing other than to hook up with a sexy librarian, sciencey geekgirl, descriptivist polyglot or wife-type polymath (male).
posted by UbuRoivas at 7:37 PM on October 24, 2007 [1 favorite]


I think Metafilter with dating funcionality would be an interesting experiment, in that it is a "place" and not a "tool".

I think the second we open a dating ad section, it'll be a place full of tools.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:41 PM on October 24, 2007 [3 favorites]


Except that it would become a "tool" for hordes of noobs who want nothing other than to hook up with a sexy librarian, sciencey geekgirl, descriptivist polyglot or wife-type polymath (male).

...And it was right then that Matt decided to become the richest man in the world.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 7:42 PM on October 24, 2007 [3 favorites]


Yes, but how many holes?

Radio buttons for number of holes, plz.


starting at 4.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 7:44 PM on October 24, 2007


I think this is a horrible idea, but I usually do.
posted by gsteff at 7:48 PM on October 24, 2007


I think the second we open a dating ad section, it'll be a place full of tools.

Only one way to keep out the undesirables, and that's a dress code. Remember people, dress to impress.
posted by billyfleetwood at 8:13 PM on October 24, 2007


Throw a failed date or relationship into that and all hell will break loose.

We've already got plenty of those and all hell somehow has remained restrained. I don't really see it changing anything to know who's interested. I endorse a simple profile line.
posted by Miko at 8:36 PM on October 24, 2007 [1 favorite]


Do you wanna make fifty bucks? You ain't a cop are you?
posted by Iron Rat at 8:39 PM on October 24, 2007


"Metafiltr

Too late."


Mothrfuckr.

SONOFABITCH!
posted by mr_crash_davis at 8:45 PM on October 24, 2007


Prediction: DoMe is shut down and mathowie is financially ruined by thousands of lawsuits after tehloki single-handedly creates a herpes pandemic across the 'fitlerverse.

I am _jessamyn_ looking for _wife-type polymath, male_

I have my own toilet brush and like both comics and graphic novels.





I'll let myself out.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 8:51 PM on October 24, 2007 [1 favorite]


Also, despite the fact that I've championed the idea in the past, I think it's a can of worms stuffed in a tube of toothpaste in a genie lamp1. The last thing I need to see is a MeTa call-out because MeFite X was SO NOT eight inches, soft2.

1The fact that I now have a wonderful and lovely girlfriend is completely unrelated.

2 Actually, that'd be pretty awesome.

posted by Alvy Ampersand at 8:58 PM on October 24, 2007


Maybe I'm just tuned to a different wavelength or what have you, but everyone else's parade of horrors is my parade of lulz.

Messy break-ups? Stalkings, bannings, lawsuits? Call-outs galore? Sounds pretty fucking awesome. Let's do this!
posted by Mr. President Dr. Steve Elvis America at 9:10 PM on October 24, 2007


If I saw a MeFi member I was interested in...

Surely by the time you're looking at people's exposed members, the choices are narrow: hop on pop, or not.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 9:40 PM on October 24, 2007


Well, sounds like a resounding 'no'. I don't really get what the problem is. People seem to have a lot of resistance, but not much specific in terms of actual problems this would cause, especially if it was opt-in, (I mean, do you really think we'll get a million new members signing up just for the dating feature if there's only a low-key expanded profile page?) but OK.
posted by serazin at 9:46 PM on October 24, 2007


I disagree with the naysayers that DateMe is a can of worms we shouldn't open. Any new departure for the site is likely to come with its problems. AskMe can be problematic, but it's still a huge addition to the site. I say open the can and let the worms squirm free. If it turns out that it's useless or too fraught with problems to be useful, it can be disabled.

I like the idea of a "single and looking for" status line for our userpages, and by all means make it optional so that the blissfully partnered people don't have to be subjected to the sight of all of us pathetic lonelyhearts trying to hook up with each other. I also think it would be a good idea to create a picture field to go with the status line, because hey, sexual attraction is one shallow beast.

The other feature we would need is searchability. I suppose we'd want at minimum to be able to search for single people in our geographic region.
posted by orange swan at 9:50 PM on October 24, 2007 [1 favorite]


I suppose we'd want at minimum to be able to search for single people in our geographic region.

The geographical thing is key to why this idea largely draws a great big 'meh' from me, because (strictly from my downunder perspective) there just aren't enough of us to give DoMe a sufficient critical mass to bother using.

I mean, there are only around 30 MeFites in Sydney, the majority of whom seem to be either lurkers, occasional users, or lapsed users. Of the females who are active, involved & outgoing enough to actually bother showing up at meetups, two are partnered & the third is unknown (currently MIA). So, yeh, hardly an overflowing cup of choice.
posted by UbuRoivas at 10:16 PM on October 24, 2007


(after we determine what the must-have features are for version 1.0).

A 'no fatties' tag would be a start.
posted by Ryvar at 10:23 PM on October 24, 2007 [1 favorite]


Posting personal ads could be easily gamed, sure, just like people have gamed AskMe by paying their $5 to ask questions but contributing few or no answers, comments, or FPPs in return. (And the consensus in MeTa so far says that this hasn't exactly destroyed the site.) But the DateMe mechanisms that have actually been proposed in this thread -- profile extensions, profile searching, and post footers, all completely opt-in -- are minor, easily hidden features and not easily gamed: how would one draw attention to one's DateMe profile except by creating an interesting posting/comment history? And if one games the system by posting interesting things and becoming an interesting participant on MeFi, then where's the crime?

If someone had proposed AskMe back in the day and the only existing example had been Yahoo Answers, then there'd surely have been a wave of criticism against the proposal. Instead, AskMe was done so well that it became the model for Yahoo Answers. I don't have an opinion on the value of added relationship drama vs. entertainment from DateMe, but looking at how well AskMe has been put together and moderated, I'm certain that DateMe would likewise be well-handled by Matt and company. Are we really worried that they'll use DateMe to turn MeFi into pokes and top 8 friends?

TPS, I had emailed the NYT website producer to make sure that you were properly captioned in the slide show. *blows kiss*
posted by DaShiv at 10:59 PM on October 24, 2007 [2 favorites]


You know having thought about it, the fact that this kind of thing fills me with... I don't know, cognitive dissonance and a kind of snooty bemusement, I guess, is maybe cultural.

Of all of my friends over the decades, from all walks of life and in a number of different countries, I can't think of one who has ever admitted to 'dating'. Do people really do this? It's just so far out of my experience -- the realm of Archie Comics and Sex and The City television programs -- that I just find it hard to wrap my head around the idea, or why adults would find it somehow useful or interesting.

Integrating sex into the site might or might not drive me away entirely if the stink rising from the endless idiot quest for genital gratification started tainting the air here, too, (but that's my problem, I admit). It's not like we don't catch the meaty odor of it everywhere else in our lives, online and off. Sexuality and all the stupidity that lights up its runway is fine, but it doesn't need to be bolted on to every waking moment of our existence, if we're not teenagers.

The minute (some) people start preening and self-editing because they want to be attractive to their chosen target gender, that's when it all collapses into a slick juicy pit of stupid, no matter what the context. I reckon.
Forty shaved sexy wants to do it all day With a gun-totin' trigger-happy tranny named Kinky Renée Tired teacher twenty-eight seeks regular meetings for masculine muscular nappy-clad brutal breeding While his wife rough-wrestles with a puppy all aquiver in a wine-soaked strobe-lit Asiatic hall of mirrors and a dash of loneliness
DO NOT WANT.

But, sure, I guess, let people select something on their profile to declare their marital status, location and whether they're looking for men/women/quonsar. Finally make a decent granular search facility that can be narrowed to just searching for whoopie partners or long-term whatever, if that's what people want to search for. The PM functionality is already in place. For my part, I really wouldn't want to see anything more than that, nor, I assume, would much else be necessary to enable the Seekers After Love.

God bless 'em.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 11:30 PM on October 24, 2007


The minute (some) people start preening and self-editing because they want to be attractive to their chosen target gender, that's when it all collapses into a slick juicy pit of stupid

Didn't you get mathowie's memo?

The only reason he still keeps me and my camera around is to send me across the country to capture the preening chicks at meetups for him.
posted by DaShiv at 11:51 PM on October 24, 2007


I know you're just joking around (and I love your portraits!), but this is kind of what I mean. In a real-world situation at a bar or whatever, there's always going to be some subset of the folks there who are as or more interested in romantic possibility as they are just in being swell pals and getting to know people and having a fine old time. That's normal and sometimes it doesn't even mess up the group dynamic too badly.

I'm just not keen on having that atmosphere start to make it's way into the 'filters, is all. Because I tend to think the lustmonkey messes shit up. I like the fact that -- unless the topic at hand is gender-related, maybe -- I neither know nor care if a poster here is male or female.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 11:59 PM on October 24, 2007


Of all of my friends over the decades, from all walks of life and in a number of different countries, I can't think of one who has ever admitted to 'dating'. Do people really do this? It's just so far out of my experience -- the realm of Archie Comics and Sex and The City television programs -- that I just find it hard to wrap my head around the idea, or why adults would find it somehow useful or interesting.

Where are you from originally, stavros? I have the exact same anecdotal experience, but my understanding is that 'dating' is completely normal in the US, and maybe in Canada. The rest of us don't really do it.

From the sounds of it, it's perfectly regular & normal for people of opposite/target genders to go out all the bloody time on almost zero pretext in the US, as if life is some sort of endless round of low-key job interviews for potential partners.

In the Anglo-Australasian world, it's almost the opposite: you don't go out for dinner one-on-one with every second person you know; you reserve that for people of special interest, in which case you generally do everything you can to defuse the situation by *never* referring to it as a "date".
posted by UbuRoivas at 12:29 AM on October 25, 2007


Where are you from originally, stavros?

From Canada, and although I've spent a lot of time and have friends in the UK/NZ/Australia, I haven't spent much in the US, so you may well be right about that.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 12:33 AM on October 25, 2007


"
I like the fact that -- unless the topic at hand is gender-related, maybe -- I neither know nor care if a poster here is male or female.
"

If we go with DaShiv's good ideas, then you won't. And if people start making off-topic or derailing comments (that happen to be about hooking up or breaking up), then just flag them as noise.
posted by philomathoholic at 1:01 AM on October 25, 2007


“I have the exact same anecdotal experience, but my understanding is that 'dating' is completely normal in the US, and maybe in Canada. The rest of us don't really do it.”

I think it has a lot more to do with different personality types than cultural differences (across similar cultures like NA, Europe, and Australia/NZ). I've gone out on only a handful of “dates” that meet the stereotypical standard of such. But I've still had reasonably enough sex and serious relationships (alas, not in a long while, though).

About this post:

Someone earlier mentioned that something in-site indicating someone's interest in dating really makes a big difference because at least a good number of us are very reluctant to investigate the possibilities with someone for fear of making an embarrassing faux pas or otherwise making the prospective romantic interest uncomfortable. If they're not interested, an overture to them and their subsequent awareness that you were interested makes for uncomfortable interactions.

That's true even if they are interested in dating but turn you down, but to me that's just not as bad for some reason. I guess making it known you're interested seems like an invitation to queries.

This makes a huge difference to me because while my ego can easily take a rejection these days (if only this had been true when I was a teenager!), I still have a tremendous fear of, well, I don't know exactly how to describe it...violating someone's boundaries of expected behavior where we both get hugely embarrassed and the other person is also a little annoyed or angry. I just can't bear that at all, which is why I'm one of those boring and annoying guys who needs explicit verbal permission to initiate sexual activity.

My most recent ex-SO that I've not seen in several years came to town and visited me a couple of weeks ago. I told her that I'd not been dating and was feeling fairly lonely and that I was long overdue to be dating again, at least a little bit. But I've basically no possibilities for meeting anyone these days in my offline-life. I've gone on three coffee dates in the last three years as a result of online personals, but none of the three were successful. Anyway, she knows I'm very active on MetaFilter and so she asked if "there's ever been any possibilities on MetaFilter". I said there's been two or three, but I didn't think they were actual possibilities for me so I didn't investigate. Still, there's so many people here—who knows what's possible? But I'm just not going to email someone I sort of know on MeFi or, worse, have just read but not interacted with, because anything that would be actually effective flirting is far too bold and fraught with that risk of it being a faux pas, while flirting that is so subtle that it doesn't trigger that fear in me also, alas, tends to be so subtle that the target never notices it anyway. :)

I think many of the worries that people have are legitimate and are collectively probably a very strong argument against anything more than just the most rudimentary addition to the site, such as an additional couple of fields in one's profile. But merely one or two fields could make a lot of things possible that weren't possible without them.
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 1:17 AM on October 25, 2007 [2 favorites]


then just flag them as noise.

'Just flag it' is FAIL and horribly broken as a moderation/community management strategy, in my opinion, but that's a whole 'nother topic.

Anyway, I'm not talking about any proliferation of I AM SEXY AND I LIKE TO SEX UP comments at all, which I thought was pretty clear from what I said upthread. I would expect there would be almost precisely none of those, in fact. We're mostly adults here.

Look, like I said: a couple of small easy-win features to roll out (one of which -- decent site search -- is years overdue anyway and would be universally useful), and it can be kept tucked away in the corner where it belongs, so those of us who aren't interested can happily ignore it, and those who need looooove (or whatever) can chase it to their hearts' (or whatever's) content.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 1:27 AM on October 25, 2007


Anyway, I'm not talking about any proliferation of I AM SEXY AND I LIKE TO SEX UP comments at all, which I thought was pretty clear from what I said upthread. I would expect there would be almost precisely none of those, in fact. We're mostly adults here.

I guess the sentences before what I actually quoted above is where I got that idea.

I'm just not keen on having that atmosphere start to make it's way into the 'filters, is all. Because I tend to think the lustmonkey messes shit up.

But whatever, I'm not trying to argue or prove anything.
posted by philomathoholic at 1:55 AM on October 25, 2007


Nor I. Just thinking aloud, mostly. And a little worried about the direction Metafilter seems to be going, sometimes.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 2:02 AM on October 25, 2007


I love the idea*, because I'm always dreaming up MeFi slash fiction true-love matches. Can we have a field for "Yente" in our profile?

* expanded profile with geographical search of opt-ins; but, I warn you, I'm going to opt in just to see who's opting in. That's gonna throw all those searches for HMS in Greece right off.
posted by taz at 3:04 AM on October 25, 2007


I'm of the opinion that there are MANY other websites on the 'net for finding other people to spend time with in person. The proposed functionality would only be useful to a fraction of people a fraction of the time. I vote no.
posted by gen at 4:56 AM on October 25, 2007


I'm ambivelent on the idea as a whole, but I do kind of like the idea of a you-must-be-a-real-person validation, and using DateMe as a good carrot as motivation. Opt in by proving you're a person and get to see who else is a guaranteed human being. Sexytime hijinks optional.
posted by Skorgu at 5:13 AM on October 25, 2007


(back after a couple of other commitments...just felt like adding an afterthought that hit me as i was leaving the office...)

I think it has a lot more to do with different personality types than cultural differences (across similar cultures like NA, Europe, and Australia/NZ).

From what I have heard from American friends, and from what I can glean from RelationshipFilter AskMes, I think there is a distinct cultural difference between the US (North America, generally?) and other anglophone cultures. I would model it this way:

In the US, people might 'date' (go for coffee, or drinks, maybe lunch or dinner) even if there's as little as 5-10% potential (at least remotely possible; not completely out of the question) for compatibility, relationship-wise.

In other anglophone countries (or at least, down under), that potential would need to probably be above 50% (more likely than not) before anybody would propose or accept a date.

The US seems to be more like "yeh, dip a toe in the water, nothing to lose", as opposed to a model like "ok, we've already established a bunch of mutual interest & compatability" - in the latter model, the date is almost an implicit handshake agreement, with a power of veto attached in case some horrendously dealbreaking shows its ugly head.
posted by UbuRoivas at 5:16 AM on October 25, 2007



I'm of the opinion that there are MANY other websites on the 'net for finding other people to spend time with in person.


Yeah, but . . . the people here are way cooler/smarter than most of the people on those sites. I would totally opt in to a dating subsite.
posted by leesh at 5:24 AM on October 25, 2007 [1 favorite]


I can't imagine why unobtrusive functions that let other members know you're interested in one-on-one meeting-up is so controversial. I suspect it's because most of us know we're no scody and our posting histories aren't doing us any favors.
posted by crush-onastick at 5:39 AM on October 25, 2007


I'm of the opinion that there are MANY other websites on the 'net for finding other people to spend time with in person.

Sure, but it's always so difficult to explain Metafilter to those people.
posted by amro at 6:06 AM on October 25, 2007 [1 favorite]


Did I mention that I have a great deal of money? Email in profile.
posted by Mr. President Dr. Steve Elvis America at 6:16 AM on October 25, 2007


One of the reasons I joined this site is because it wasn't a dating site, overtly or covertly, and my gender/orientation/status didn't matter. I can certainly understand the desire for single people to want to meet other mefites for more than just coffee, but I'd hate it if the site attracted people on that basis. I don't want to get "Do you think I'm hot?" e-mails from mefites.
posted by desjardins at 6:16 AM on October 25, 2007


I vote yes to anything with the potential for hilarious.

Yes! Yes! Yes! A thousand times yes!
posted by octobersurprise at 6:16 AM on October 25, 2007


I think the point is that having such a feature would allow people to positively indicate that they welcome such interest.

Pfft. You're just playing hard to get.
posted by desuetude at 6:19 AM on October 25, 2007


I would also like dates.
posted by cowbellemoo at 6:23 AM on October 25, 2007


I think that adding the status and seeking lines would be just enough. And I really like the free-form "I am _____ looking for ____" idea. Going whole-hog with the profiles and ratings and shit would be blind to the function of the site: community. As billyfleetwood said, it's the place of common activity that is key here.
posted by Xoder at 6:24 AM on October 25, 2007


Never happen, 'cause you'll need the image tag to make this work.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:33 AM on October 25, 2007


I am tired and looking for sleep.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 6:43 AM on October 25, 2007


I have never gotten the hate for DateMe. I don't really see what kind of harm it could do to the site, particularly in the innocuous form it's being suggested here. DaShiv has it, I think - I can't see where it's going to cause any harm to anyone and for those of us who might want to use it, which would include me, probably, (not that it's worked at all in the past, okay, but, you know, fucking hope and its annoying habit of springing eternally, argh) well, it's a nice pony. If it leads to more hand wringing askme drama, then that's just a bonus for the schadenfreude inclined amongst us.
posted by mygothlaundry at 7:19 AM on October 25, 2007


Drat, I meant DaShiv's comment here.
posted by mygothlaundry at 7:20 AM on October 25, 2007


I am a man looking for a goat.
posted by LordSludge at 7:35 AM on October 25, 2007


Any DateMe that includes Mickey Kaus is dead to me.
posted by maudlin at 7:52 AM on October 25, 2007


ISO pie production partner. Pain required.
posted by Cat Pie Hurts at 9:12 AM on October 25, 2007


ISO pie production partner. Pain required.

Only the young and tender ones will do for me. How gauche you are, sir/madam. I'm afraid the kittenman is too good for you.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 9:51 AM on October 25, 2007


posted by kittens for breakfast

I could never date anyone who eats kittens before lunch time for the same reason I'd avoid anyone who drinks between the hours of 6 and 8am.
posted by sparkletone at 10:16 AM on October 25, 2007 [1 favorite]


More seriously: I'm fine with the ideas presented above. An opt in thing to display interest + geographical search would be enough really. You don't even necessarily need to have a picture actually in your profile (are images allowed in profiles? I forget), you could just link to one elsewhere. The things needed to make it are really quite minimal, so why not try it and see what happens?

Of course, I'm definitely in the LOLSCHADENFREUDIST camp.

And if it turns out to have been a disruptive, bad idea, get rid of it.
posted by sparkletone at 10:23 AM on October 25, 2007


S'up mah, Filters. A/S/L! Anyone wanna chat. :D :D
posted by FunkyHelix at 11:44 AM on October 25, 2007


I'm a squirrel looking for a nut.
posted by desjardins at 11:58 AM on October 25, 2007


MeTa is grey,
MeFi is blue,
If I was a server,
I'd ping all of you!
posted by buzzman at 1:32 PM on October 25, 2007


Ooo, Madlibs! I am a DESERT looking for A HORSE WITH NO NAME.

So, DESERT. Is there any Italian in you?
posted by horsewithnoname at 1:45 PM on October 25, 2007


are images allowed in profiles? I forget

Only if they're grandfathered in.

I don't think I'd personally opt in to DoMe, because having and empty MeMail box is depressing enough. But I think it's a cool idea. There are lots of neat people here.
posted by solotoro at 2:04 PM on October 25, 2007


I am an accident looking for somewhere to happen
posted by UbuRoivas at 2:25 PM on October 25, 2007


I am just an animal looking for a home.
posted by sparkletone at 2:34 PM on October 25, 2007


kittens for breakfast, come on! This would be a fabulous, fabulous way to find your very own kickass adorable knitting comic book-tolerant type!1

DO WANT!

1) note, I am a kickass adorable knitting comic book-tolerant type, but I'm already dating kittens' best friend.
2) why I stopped being a stockbroker ;)
posted by bitter-girl.com at 2:40 PM on October 25, 2007


Metaflirter.
posted by phoque at 2:46 PM on October 25, 2007 [1 favorite]


omg! i've known so many kickass adorable comics who knitted, but none of them have been book-tolerant! i think i'm in lurve!
posted by UbuRoivas at 2:48 PM on October 25, 2007


kittens for breakfast, come on! This would be a fabulous, fabulous way to find your very own kickass adorable knitting comic book-tolerant type!

I think that's your type, actually. My type, as I'm sure you know, is sexy lady cops who have a commanding attitude but who secretly wish to be "ravished." Ravished...by "scare quotes"!

"Ravished" hard.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 3:12 PM on October 25, 2007


I am kim I am, looking for a no name man to eat my green eggs and ham.
posted by iamkimiam at 3:33 PM on October 25, 2007


I keep TELLING you, my dear little kitten, that you NEED a knitter, they're the only ones who understand STASH. Do what me and the mister do -- I say nothing about the stacks of comic books, he says nothing about the piles of yarn and everyone's happy.

As for the scare-quote ravishing, well, I can't help you there. ;)

Besides, your cat needs a "mama" who has lots of yarn, it's only fair. (Hey! wait! those were technically scare quotes! given that the term "mama" is fairly loaded in a girlfriend-y context).

Now, what if you could find a hot lady cop who knitted in the patrol car and would let you play with her gun? How's that for a compromise?
posted by bitter-girl.com at 3:35 PM on October 25, 2007


T'hell with dating: when's there gonna be a subsite for pornos made by Mefites?
posted by klangklangston at 3:52 PM on October 25, 2007


I keep TELLING you, my dear little kitten, that you NEED a knitter, they're the only ones who understand STASH.

See, you guys have this stash problem because you insist on dragging those ratty little 20th C relics home every week. I have BOOKSHELVES, okay. Bookshelves like a grownup. It's not a problem. I can think of no such solutions to your yarn issue, however! Other than, I don't know, not filling your house with yarn. But that won't happen, will it? Will it?! I thought as much.

Anyway, I think MetaFilter may actually be the worst dating pool of all time. The endless overanalysis of everything, ever, is a desirable trait in a message board; less so in one's mate. Which is exactly why I think this idea is awesome. (For other people.)
posted by kittens for breakfast at 3:59 PM on October 25, 2007 [1 favorite]


Now, what if you could find a hot lady cop bad lieutenant who knitted in the patrol car and would let you play with her gun?

Much better compromise.
posted by UbuRoivas at 4:00 PM on October 25, 2007


Not to re-rail this thread, but I think a lot of the squeamishness about this idea is the very real way that interactions which have a potential for dating are different from those that don't. It's very likely to change the dynamic of the site, and probably not in a good way. I think it's kind of like how an office environment has to discourage dating, even if there's no real rules against it. Sure people date coworkers all the time, and it can be fine (or it can be disastrous), but the default is not to treat your co-workers as possible partners. Everyone is supposed to just be judged on their ideas and their actions, regardless of whether you think they are hot or not. This not only discourages unwelcome overtures and inappropriate public behavior, but means that when people do hook up, they generally keep it discrete and know to keep their personal life out of their professional interactions. No one would ever think that it would be a good idea for an employer to ask if you'd like to participate in a dating pool, even as simple as a personals bulletin board in the coffee room. The lines between professional and personal relations would be blurred. People would respond to you differently based just on whether you choose to participate; not to mention whatever things you opened up about in your ad.

I understand that MeFi isn't as uptight as an office and there is a social networking aspect to it, but it should be left at the level that it is now. Just like in an office environment, people get together for drinks, and there's flirting and dating going on, but it's not the focus of why we're here. Making it an option to use the site in that way would change the interactions. It seems especially out of place when we're told on every page to keep discussion about the topic at hand and not about other members of the site. We're here to share ideas, not to attack or woo each other. If someone puts something personal in their profile about what they are looking for in a partner, even something seemingly innocuous, don't you think people will treat them differently? That they will judge the person and not their comments?

And as stavros so eloquently put it; "the lustmonkey messes shit up". Even on an opt-in basis, people will behave differently. Not just by making sure their posts are less inflammatory in order to not scare off potential mates, but also in subtler ways. Say a bunch of members that you've been kind of crushing on for a while opt-in to DateMe. You see that as an open invitation to ask them out. You're rejected by them. You're an adult, you can handle it, everything's cool, but how are you going to interact with them in the future? Where there would have previously been playfulness and respect, will there now be apathy or scorn? And how will they treat you now that they know you're interested? Where there was once lively discussion, will you now just ignore each other?

Or what if DaShiv decides, since the option is right there, to try asking out some of the ladies who have been flirting with him? Turns out they just liked the flirting, not the Shiv. The flirting stops, he's embarrassed, and he just doesn't feel like hanging out at MetaFilter so much anymore. The community loses a valued member. (No offense intended to you personally, of course, DaShiv. Just an example of how things could go wrong).

It just seems like a Pandora's box to me. This has the potential to damage the community in irreparable ways, without having a great added value. If people want to date, they already can. Changing the site to better accommodate dating... well... it changes the site to better accommodate dating. That's not why the site is good, and this would probably detract from why the site is good.

But... what the hell. Give it a try. There's no doubt it will be entertaining.

(Crap. I ended up bean-plating and Ethereal-Blighing the whole thing. Good thing this ain't a dating site).
posted by team lowkey at 4:29 PM on October 25, 2007 [5 favorites]


"Everyone is supposed to just be judged on their ideas and their actions, regardless of whether you think they are hot or not."

That sounds like something an ugly person would say.
posted by klangklangston at 4:38 PM on October 25, 2007


team lowkey - treat you differently? PSHAW!

So. Tell me. Lowkey. What are you wearing right now? Is it tight?
posted by tkchrist at 4:39 PM on October 25, 2007


klangklangston: "That sounds like something an ugly person would say."

No, no, no. I'm devastatingly beautiful, just like every anonymous person on the internet. I say it because, if I'm not being judged by my looks, it means I'm smart, too!
posted by team lowkey at 4:47 PM on October 25, 2007


tkchrist: "team lowkey - treat you differently? PSHAW!

So. Tell me. Lowkey. What are you wearing right now? Is it tight?
"

Yeah, kinda, I guess, but I really don't see what that has to... HEY! That's not very christ-like of you.
posted by team lowkey at 4:51 PM on October 25, 2007 [1 favorite]


Everyone is supposed to just be judged on their ideas and their actions, regardless of whether you think they are hot or not.

Who told you that? I get all my favorites because I'm HOT.
posted by jonmc at 5:02 PM on October 25, 2007


is going to a meetup so hard?

Um, yeah it is, if you're hundreds of miles away...
posted by wafaa at 5:04 PM on October 25, 2007


is going to a meetup so hard?

Um, yeah it is, if you're hundreds of miles away...


I'd suggest that if you're contemplating trying to date somebody hundreds of miles away, then you're probably trying just a bit too hard. Fair enough if maybe you go to your local meetup & are curious about somebody's dating status because you hit it off ok, but going hundreds of miles out of your way is a whole different kettle of fish. And in the local meetup situation, the normal principles apply - if there's a reasonable degree of chemistry & flirting, why not just ask for their number, or go about organising more group activities to see how things develop?
posted by UbuRoivas at 5:19 PM on October 25, 2007


team lowkey,

while I appreceate the amount of thought you put into that comment, I just can't agree. I think the majority of users will continue to use the site as they already do, especially those who aren't intersted in the dating aspect.

I'm glad this isn't a workplace. It reminds me more of like, music camp or something. Everyone is either somewhat interesting, or trying to be intersting already, not because its their job, but for fun. Summer camp of course is all about hookups too - and that doesn't take away from the music lessons - you know what I mean?

Try thinking of it from the other direction: dating sites suck, this is a place where you can actually get to know people's interests and writing style and so forth, and THEN if you think to yourself, "wow, this person is really smart, I'd like to get to know them better" we could facilitate deepening connections that way.
posted by serazin at 5:27 PM on October 25, 2007


I would much rather see a casual encounters filter here.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 5:33 PM on October 25, 2007


You: dissecting political arguments of 50ker newb. Me: decontextualizing someone's scatalogical exhortation as a tagline. MefiMail me.
posted by cortex (staff) at 5:43 PM on October 25, 2007


I would much rather see a casual encounters filter here.

Which reminds me of the tv show, Goodness Gracious Me! ~ dealing with the ethnic Indian experience in England; like the whole clash of generations thing you get with immigrants & their England-born kids:

Father: "Son, you know it's about time you were married, and you know that in our tradition it's up to the parents to select a suitable wife for you, from a good family..."

Son: "Oh father, no! This is England! Give up those old Indian traditions! We do things differently here, now!"

Father: "I know how you feel about this, son, which is why I was just about to tell you...your mother & I have found an arranged shag for you!"
posted by UbuRoivas at 5:49 PM on October 25, 2007


Wait wait wait, STOP!

Which scene in the second Indiana Jones movie?
posted by steef at 6:03 PM on October 25, 2007


I'm glad this isn't a workplace.

Me too! If it were, I'd have to spend all my procrastination time avoiding MetaFilter by scrawling snarky comments in the margins of strategy, architecture & project documents.
posted by UbuRoivas at 6:15 PM on October 25, 2007 [1 favorite]


I'd suggest that if you're contemplating trying to date somebody hundreds of miles away, then you're probably trying just a bit too hard.

Or maybe you prefer the LDR feast-or-famine approach to dating?

I am a _self-absorbed insomniac_ looking for _antipodal nomads_
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 6:28 PM on October 25, 2007


"It reminds me more of like, music camp or something."

This one time, at band camp…
posted by klangklangston at 6:33 PM on October 25, 2007


Or what if DaShiv decides, since the option is right there, to try asking out some of the ladies who have been flirting with him? Turns out they just liked the flirting, not the Shiv. The flirting stops

Oh team lowkey, you poor naive soul: they're not flirting with *me*, they're flirting with *my camera*. It's the quintessential American quality: they're flirting with the opportunity for stardom. I've seen what they do when I close the my apartment door and become just another guy on the computer, no longer roguishly charming, and I've been around this site long enough to understand that I'm just along for the ride. The camera is DaShiv.
posted by DaShiv at 6:38 PM on October 25, 2007 [2 favorites]


serazin: "Try thinking of it from the other direction: dating sites suck, this is a place where you can actually get to know people's interests and writing style and so forth, and THEN if you think to yourself, "wow, this person is really smart, I'd like to get to know them better" we could facilitate deepening connections that way."

Well, try thinking of it from the other direction: dating sites suck, this is a place where you can actually get to know people's interests and writing style and so forth, and THEN if you think to yourself, "wow, this person is really smart, I'd like to get to know them better" you can contact them.

I guess I'm having trouble following why you would look at this site and think "Wow, this place is great. The communication is great. The people are great. Now if only it were more like these sites that suck".
posted by team lowkey at 6:46 PM on October 25, 2007


This is why we can't date nice things.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 7:30 PM on October 25, 2007 [1 favorite]


“I'd suggest that if you're contemplating trying to date somebody hundreds of miles away, then you're probably trying just a bit too hard.”

That's a bit presumptuous of you, isn't it? Nearby isn't necessarily “nearby”, so to speak. This place is pretty self-selecting. For that matter, I'd date a fellow SJC alumnus in a heartbeat, even if they lived on the other side of the country. Just because someone compatible with me happens to live in my town, it doesn't mean I'm ever going to get the opportunity to ask her out, much less even know she exists.
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 8:18 PM on October 25, 2007


EB, my attitude is that it's a different approach entirely between looking up the relationship status of somebody geographically remote from you, with a view to maybe somehow, someday meeting up with them; as opposed to checking up on somebody you've physically met or who you know lives nearby. In the former case, you're going far out of your way to try to make a date happen. It reeks too much of specifically fishing for a relationship, whereas the latter approach is more like responding to something that's already in front of you.

For that reason, I personally wouldn't in a pink fit even consider any compatibility / attraction issues with an American, Canadian, Brit, hell, even a Melbournite, unless there was some indication that they'd be moving to Sydney in the near future. YMMV.

And yeh, "nearby" in Australia is most definitely not nearby. It's like 10 hours' drive, at least, between cities here, so that's why it's pretty much Sydney or nothing.
posted by UbuRoivas at 10:47 PM on October 25, 2007


“It reeks too much of specifically fishing for a relationship”

So your point is that a person should be looking for a relationship. Or, if they are, they should pretend not to be.
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 12:03 AM on October 26, 2007


should not be
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 12:03 AM on October 26, 2007


point is that in this place, ppl should not be specifically seeking out relationships, to the extent of trying to spark things up with geographically distant ppl who happen to sound interesting in text. there are other sites for that sort of thing. if one happens to click with somebody at a meetup & becomes curious as to their orientation & status, well, a one-liner in their profile might be handy as a guide to whether or not to proceed, but what's wrong with playing it by ear? it's not like we're all totally stupid, is it?
posted by UbuRoivas at 8:02 AM on October 26, 2007


"ppl should not be specifically seeking out relationships, to the extent of trying to spark things up with geographically distant ppl who happen to sound interesting in text."

Because I did that while in high school on AOL, and 20-something women sent me pictures of their vaginae (and now that I'm the age they were, I see just how weird the whole thing was).
posted by klangklangston at 8:24 AM on October 26, 2007


it's not like we're all totally stupid, is it?

...

no, too easy.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 11:13 AM on October 26, 2007 [1 favorite]


Well, it just seems to me that the driving motivation behind your sentiment/judgment is that one should not, or at least should not appear to be, “looking for a relationship”. That seems like a stupid and obnoxious peer pressure type of thing to me.

Most people want relationships. Why are they expected to pretend like they don't? And screw it if it's a tactical thing. If a woman is turned off by the fact that I'm lonely and want a relationship, then I'm not interested in her, anyway. I'm interested in people who aren't afraid to be who they are, feel the things they feel, be confident in themselves for that, and expect the same in the people close to them.
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 1:30 PM on October 26, 2007


(psssst, eb: i'm just trying to throw liquorice off the scent that i'm completely stalking her)
posted by UbuRoivas at 3:45 PM on October 26, 2007 [1 favorite]


Why not just add "also on" for OKCupid, Match, JDate, etc.?
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 4:00 PM on October 26, 2007 [3 favorites]


did it really take 213 comments for somebody to come up with something as blindingly obvious as that?!??

now i understand what TPS was getting at.
posted by UbuRoivas at 4:49 PM on October 26, 2007


No, I had already mentioned it early on in this thread, and it was mentioned in the previous DateMe threads as well. Rehashing old turf.

As for TPS, she forgets that those who aren't a "smokin' hot" woman lead very different dating lives than those who are.
posted by DaShiv at 9:19 AM on October 27, 2007


Yes. I think a flag in her RelationshipFilter AskMe comments is called for:

"Warning: this advice only applies to people who are smokin' hot. If this description does not apply to you, we strongly recommend that you do the exact opposite of what the commenter suggests."
posted by UbuRoivas at 4:50 PM on October 27, 2007


As for TPS, she forgets that those who aren't a "smokin' hot" woman lead very different dating lives than those who are.

That's a lie, and for someone to believe it is what makes their dating life different. I could provide photos of really ugly people who have great luck in love..... but I won't.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:04 PM on October 27, 2007 [1 favorite]


I never saw an ugly mefite yet, anyway.

Of course the flaw in this study is the influence of DaShiv. If he ever gets his hands on this ham, the photo's gonna be one those "love me and despair," end of "Perfume" things again.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 9:32 PM on October 27, 2007


First of all, my previous comment about TPS was an egregious case of foot-in-mouth. I had edited to keep my comment short and wound up writing something completely different from what I had intended to write. I've already emailed her to offer her my full and complete apology, and to clarify to her what I had meant. Score: -1 stupid

For the final comment here: I'm somewhat baffled when people say "keep dating off of MeFi" yet go on to add "go to meetups to date." Many (if not most) of those I've met at meetups have already been spoken for or not interested, and a large majority of non-Mefite guests are significant others. In my experience, most Mefites do NOT go to meetups to date. (Hell, my biggest surprise at my first MeFi meetup was that there was even a woman in attendance!) And yet occasionally Mefites do hook up at meetups, and have even been known to marry as a result. Do these almost-entirely off-meetup sideshows somehow detract from my enjoyment of meetups at all? Not one bit -- quite the opposite, in fact. Even though that's not what most of us go to meetups to do. (Mostly, we go to get drunk and crack dumb jokes and hold up pieces of paper in front of cameras.)

In my mind, the site itself is no different from that. Some Mefites would like to dip their toes into this dating pool of great people here, but rather than with a complete stab in the dark via cold-mails or using a wendell-esque brute force approach, they would like a more nuanced, tool-supported way to gauge availability, find biographical information, seek out those nearby and/or those whose posts and comments they enjoy, and so on. I hardly think this would change the dynamic of the site, almost as expected as the minority who are checking other Mefites out at a meetup. If this hasn't been a significant problem at meetups, I doubt this would develop into a significant problem on the site.

I enjoy attending meetups because they feel like an organic extension of the site itself, and that's why the "don't date on MeFi" and "go to meetups to date" divide makes little sense to me. I'm certain we can bridge gap this in an unobtrusive yet useful way.

Alternately, we can wait and see how many comments the next "can we have DateMe?" thread will get. I'm bowing out of this one now.
posted by DaShiv at 5:34 AM on October 28, 2007


Don't hate us because we're beautiful. Ugly people can't possibly know how much we suffer.
posted by timeistight at 8:20 AM on October 28, 2007 [1 favorite]


Sadly, this instructional video will be of no use to anyone if this plan goes through.
posted by sparkletone at 9:22 PM on October 28, 2007


What DaShiv said. I had tried to type up a "people go to MeetUps to date?" response, but I didn't like my tone, so I deleted it. Instead, I'm "me tooing" what he said.
posted by crush-onastick at 8:28 AM on October 29, 2007


MeatFilter!

(going for this year's l'esprit de l'escalier award)
posted by UbuRoivas at 1:55 PM on November 6, 2007


MeatFi—

Oh god damn you.
posted by cortex (staff) at 1:57 PM on November 6, 2007 [1 favorite]


I never saw an ugly mefite yet, anyway.

Profile pics changed everything.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 2:03 PM on November 6, 2007


well, AV, you've probably noticed that on dating & social networking sites, people habitually post ultra-flattering, photoshopped - if not completely falsified - profile pics, in the hope that this apparent hotness will disguise their total lack of personality?

here, it's the opposite. we have to hide our physical beauty, because the combination of extreme hawtness with world-class snark would be just too much awesomeness for the world to bear.
posted by UbuRoivas at 2:46 PM on November 6, 2007


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