Metatalktail Hour: Hilarity June 10, 2017 4:35 PM   Subscribe

Good Saturday evening, MetaFilter! Tonight's metatalktail topic comes from scratch: "What is the funniest thing you've ever seen? Or heard, or smelled, etc. No parameters--it can be something from You Own Real Life, a meme, a twelfth-hand anecdote, your cat, a joke, a movie scene, a song by Weird Al Yankovich, whatever."

As always, topics are conversation starters so feel free to wander off and talk about whatever you like (except politics), and send any topic ideas to me!
posted by Eyebrows McGee (staff) to MetaFilter-Related at 4:35 PM (129 comments total) 15 users marked this as a favorite

The faulty car horn scene in Little Miss Sunshine. Whoever did the sound engineering on the sad, tinny, tentative horn deserves an award.
posted by delight at 4:49 PM on June 10, 2017 [4 favorites]

The scene near the end of the movie Soapdish, where they're doing the live broadcast, and Kevin Kline is too nearsighted to read the cue cards. Really the funniest thing I've ever seen in a movie.

In real life, hearing my raised-Catholic boyfriend ask for a "nish" at a deli counter. I still laugh when I remember it, and he still tries to explain that it makes sense.
posted by still_wears_a_hat at 5:04 PM on June 10, 2017 [5 favorites]

The Fish Slapping Dance
Is It an M Shirt?

A duck walks into a bar, goes to the bartender, says "Got any grapes?" Bartender says,"nope." Duck says "oh," and leaves. Next day, duck walks into the bar, goes to the bartender, says "Got any grapes?" Bartender says, "no, no grapes." Duck says "oh," and leaves. Next day, duck walks into the bar, goes to the bartender, says "Got any grapes?" Bartender, frustrated, says, "no, Duck, this is a bar, no grapes. You ask for grapes again I'm gonna nail your bill to the bar." Duck says "oh," and leaves. Next day, duck walks into the bar, goes to the bartender, says "Got any nails?" Bartender, even more frustrated, says, "no, no nails." Duck says, "oh ... Got any grapes?"
posted by macadamiaranch at 5:10 PM on June 10, 2017 [6 favorites]

(Warning: bodily function story, skip if squeamish) I've told this story before, but ... when my boys were about 4 and 2, we were at my parents' for a family party of some sort, I think it was my mom's retirement party. My brother had just gotten married, and my sister and her fiance were there, and also my youngest brother, so my kids spent the whole party SUPER EXCITED running from doting aunt to doting uncle, asking, "Can I have cake? Can I have Sprite?" and all the doting aunts and uncles kept providing. And providing. And providing. And my kids kept eating and running, eating and running.

At the end of the party, when all the friends have left, all the siblings and in-laws are standing out on the porch chatting and having some wine, and my sister-in-law (freshly married and with babies on the brain) is saying, "Your kids are so adorable, it must be so wonderful to be a parent, and ..." and Mini McGee (4) runs up to her and announces, "I LOVE YOU AUNT C!" and she says, "Awwwww!" and then he PUKES COPIOUSLY like five pieces of cake and four sodas, all over her strappy sandals and bare feet, with the splash effect getting my sister's strappy-sandled feet and my brother and brother-in-law's pant cuffs. Only younger brother escaped unscathed but he gags when other people barf. You can imagine the utter horror of all the childless aunts and uncles, my sobbing 4-year-old, my two-year-old who decided to follow suit and start puking (in the flowers, luckily), while I started laughing uncontrollably. I'm giggling just typing this.

And that is why my children have no cousins.*

*Punchline no longer true, but it did scare them all off reproducing for a good four years.
posted by Eyebrows McGee (staff) at 5:15 PM on June 10, 2017 [25 favorites]

This is still the most paralyzingly hilaritized I have ever been got.
posted by Etrigan at 5:17 PM on June 10, 2017 [2 favorites]

A person riding an ostrich! Virginia City, NV has camel and ostrich races. These are definitely on the amateur end of sporting events but very enjoyably ridiculous! The ostriches are the best. They do not like being ridden, so they get a little bit out of the gate and then just start spinning until they throw the rider off.
posted by carolr at 5:21 PM on June 10, 2017

I was about 16 years old when the movie What About Bob? played in the theatres. In my entire life up 'til that point, I had never - ever - seen anything that funny. My friends found it moderately humorous while I was literally gasping for air, tears-streaming-down-face, for the entire duration of the film. When it came time to leave, I was unable to stand because my stomach was so knotted up and I was still gasping with laughter.

"Hit him harder, Bob!" remains one of my favourite lines (I just laughed while typing that) although the rest of of the movie has faded to "moderately humorous" all these years later.

I have also been known to laugh until it hurts whenever I see birds or wild animals walking down sidewalks like they're people. I mean, COME ON.
posted by VioletU at 5:25 PM on June 10, 2017 [7 favorites]

I still laugh when I remember it, and he still tries to explain that it makes sense.
It totally does make sense, though! What other instance can you think of in which the "k" in "kn" gets pronounced? Knife? Knead? Knee? Kneel? Poor raised-Catholic boyfriend had no way of knowing that Yiddish doesn't work that same way that English does!
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 5:29 PM on June 10, 2017 [3 favorites]

The most recent bout of hysterics I had was watching that dude get the owl out of his kitchen with the swiffer.
posted by yoga at 5:30 PM on June 10, 2017 [15 favorites]

I confess I laugh myself into a headache and stomach pain every week during America's Funniest Videos, which fortunately my 5-year-old now watches with me, because neither my husband or 8-year-old get why I think it's funny. I find pratfalls pretty much endlessly amusing.

Also Allie Brosh's book, the goose story? I laughed so hard I was sobbing and gasping for air with tears streaming down my face, and my 4-year-old said, "Mommy, why are you crying?" "I'm laughing so hard that I'm crying because this book is really funny." "That is not how laughing works." "That's sometimes how laughing works." "Mommy, I do not think you are reading that book right. I will pat your back until you feel better."
posted by Eyebrows McGee (staff) at 5:31 PM on June 10, 2017 [40 favorites]

"What other instance can you think of in which the "k" in "kn" gets pronounced? Knife? Knead? Knee? Kneel? Poor raised-Catholic boyfriend had no way of knowing "

KNUTE! KNUTE ROCKNE! KNUTE ROCKNE, ALL-AMERICAN! What American Catholic doesn't know this???
posted by Eyebrows McGee (staff) at 5:34 PM on June 10, 2017 [3 favorites]

Point taken.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 5:35 PM on June 10, 2017

When I was about 10 and my little brother was about 7 I successfully convinced him to try to ride his bike with his eyes closed, and within a few seconds of starting he somehow managed to slam the front tire of his back dead on in to a fence post at speed and flip completely over the handlebars, landing on his butt in some tall grass. I've never laughed harder in my life.
posted by saladin at 5:37 PM on June 10, 2017

KNUTE! KNUTE ROCKNE! KNUTE ROCKNE, ALL-AMERICAN! What American Catholic doesn't know this???

"millions of people – including legions of Notre Dame fans and, sadly, far too many Notre Dame students and alumni – unknowingly mispronounce his first name. ", according to some person on the Internet.
posted by Etrigan at 5:37 PM on June 10, 2017

""millions of people – including legions of Notre Dame fans and, sadly, far too many Notre Dame students and alumni – unknowingly mispronounce his first name. ", according to some person on the Internet."

It's true, they do, but they're wrong and have never seen the UTTER GLORY of the movie, where the soundtrack is nothing but the Notre Dame Fight Song, including when George Gipp is dying and they just play it in a minor key. It's the 1940s-est thing you ever saw (down to the offensive ethnic stereotying and fast-talking acting), and it's schmaltzy as all get-out, and it was a blockbuster of the era. It's hugely fascinating as a cultural artifact. It's so profoundly bizarre.
posted by Eyebrows McGee (staff) at 5:42 PM on June 10, 2017 [2 favorites]

I always thought the phrase "falling in the aisles" was rhetorical exaggeration until I saw The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad! in the theater when it came out. I literally fell over into the aisle laughing, and I wasn't the only one. I still chuckle thinking about it, even without remembering any particular scene.

Also, all the great videos Johnny Wallflower posts. Keep it up, JW!
posted by languagehat at 5:54 PM on June 10, 2017 [1 favorite]


Wow. I'm 57 years old and I swear I have never once heard anyone pronounce it as other than "newt" (until now, of course).

But hey, if people on the internet can just decide to start pronouncing GIF with a hard g and rejecting the creator's stated original pronunciation, I now declare newt as the REAL pronunciation of Mr Rockne's first name. So there. :P
posted by Greg_Ace at 5:55 PM on June 10, 2017 [4 favorites]

I have a few, but right now only time for one: the scene in Chaplin's Modern Times where an "efficiency expert" subjects factory worker Charlie to an "eating machine." And what does the eating machine feed Charlie? A ham sandwich? A hunk of cheese? Nope. Soup. Laugh? I thought I'd die.
posted by scratch at 6:10 PM on June 10, 2017 [3 favorites]

These things always have a context, of course, but in my adult life: seeing The Wrong Trousers for the first time, in a packed auditorium, on the big screen, the train chase had me literally falling out of my seat.

Earlier in life: there was a one-season sitcom in the seventies called Holmes and Yoyo about a troublemaking cop and his new partner, a 427-pound robot cop. The robot, Yoyo by name, was not a Johnny Five or R2-D2-like machine, but was played by the let-us-say boxy John Schuck. Yoyo had a number of useful abilities and appurtenances, among which was the ability to take photos of a crime scene or suspect or what-have-you sans camera: he would just look at the subject and push his nose in, and a Polaroid would slide out of his shirt pocket. (Hey, I was nine.)

I recall nothing else of the show save this three-second segment -- our heroes are confronted by bad guys and one slugs Yoyo in the nose, which causes the geyser of a hundred Polaroids to erupt into the air in a mighty fountain. After a single viewing, more than forty years ago, recollecting it can still cause me to chuckle.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 6:20 PM on June 10, 2017 [3 favorites]

The fish slapping dance from Monty Python, mentioned above, reduces me to teary giggles every time I watch it. Every. Single. Time.

My son makes me laugh so freaking hard all the time but I'm crap at remembering why or what he said exactly. He's 20, so it's definitely not the "cute things kids say" variety. He's just a super funny person.
posted by cooker girl at 6:48 PM on June 10, 2017

alfanut's Halloween reminiscence reminds me of my own childhood, and makes me laugh every time I think of it.
posted by AsYouKnow Bob at 7:05 PM on June 10, 2017

E.B.White's essay, The Geese, in Essays of E.B.White.

The early years of the blog Boobs, Injuries, and Dr. Pepper.

A video of a toddler babbling, with background music and her father (presumably) providing a voice over translation. (I found a link to Facebook on Language Log, but I don't have a FB account and I am reluctant to post a link I can't preview.)

Hamster as Godzilla.

The opening credits of Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
posted by Bruce H. at 7:17 PM on June 10, 2017

Alright, I am going to shamelessly steal a story from my sister, who is a vet tech. I will skip her story about "bull balls in the parking lot" because I don't remember the whole thing, although I do remember laughing until I cried about that one. I am sharing instead the story about the "city" tuxedo cat and the "country" tuxedo cat. In this story - the city cat is a well-loved, pampered house cat sent to the vet for a spay/neuter. The country cat in this story is a feral cat brought in for spay/neuter and release. Guess how identical their markings are. Guess how lax patient identification tags were policed - due to the rarity of animals with identical markings having surgery on the same day in this rural clinic were..... Guess which dopey cat was picked up by the owner of the city cat the next day.

Scene change: three hours later, City Cat owner calls vet clinic with concern, cat very stand-offish, tried to claw him, what should he do for beloved cat? Cat seems very distressed.

Vet techs: who had been discussing putting super-friendly, lovey-dovey feral up for adoption...... oh dear.....

Between the time the guy called and the vet techs arrived with the correct cat and feral-catching gear, the country cat had somehow worked its way up in to the guy's attic.... much yowling ensued - but country cat was eventually captured and city cat returned to her rightful house.

Proper identification tag procedures were enacted immediately afterward. Country cat did end up getting adopted, so it was a happy story in the end.
posted by Gyre,Gimble,Wabe, Esq. at 7:35 PM on June 10, 2017 [13 favorites]

I saw Louis CK do this routine on the song "Signs" back in 2001, and he went off further on the verse about applying for a job. He pantomimed pulling off the hat and said, "IMAGINE THAT! ME, working for YEEEEEW!" (complete with head- and finger-wagging), then switched to the boss's POV: "Uh, yeah, I did imagine that - that's why I hired you. Also, I could totally tell you were hiding a bunch of hair under your hat and I didn't care." Something about the delivery just got to me in a way nothing else has - I laughed so hard I was hyperventilating, crying, and blowing snot out of my nose, and the people in front of me turned around to ask if I was okay. So, even though I know about his problematic behavior now, he still has a small piece of my heart for that bit.
posted by Recliner of Rage at 7:39 PM on June 10, 2017 [1 favorite]

I got lost out in the walled subdivisions, looking for the care center where my son in law's mom, was receiving hospice care. Finally went back a few miles, made the next turn, and got onto Mountain Vista Drive, and I was looking, looking for the cross street, when I spotted the sign for Delusion Way. I was thinking I had lost my mind, finally. Then I saw the cross street where I should turn left, and found the place right away. I asked my son in law, casually, if he had noticed some of the street names out here, and he laughed and said, "Like Delusion Way?" I was actually relieved.
posted by Oyéah at 8:25 PM on June 10, 2017 [7 favorites]

I was in seventh grade, public middle school in the central coast of California. Teacher's explaining what ideologies are, but referring to them (as they do) as "-isms." She mentions Catholicism, Capitalism, Socialism, Feminism, Abolitionism...then asks the class for more examples.

My friend E's hand shot up. He wasn't much of a student and had been in trouble from time to time, but wasn't a bad seed. She calls on him, and we all turn as he clears his throat and confidently enunciates...

posted by Joseph Gurl at 8:28 PM on June 10, 2017 [9 favorites]

Not the most hilarious thing I've ever heard but one of my favorite comedy moments; I was one of the creators of Jersey Shore: The Musical so I watched the audience for more than 100 performances. In the second act the show gets canceled and all the characters basically end up the opposite of what they thought they were, Sammy and Ronnie end up in nice stable relationships, The Situation is playing Hamlet in a small dinner theatre and Pauly D finds out he's not Italian. Turns out he's Native American, and as he's telling Vinny about discovering his Native Cherokee roots, the actor would always pronounce it Chre-ro-key. It would get a descent laugh every night but every single time at least one person in the audience would repeat the mispronunciation. Every audience every show. I don't know why but it made me happy every night.
posted by Uncle at 8:38 PM on June 10, 2017 [2 favorites]

On a road trip several years ago I read to my husband as he drove. It was a David Sedaris book and we laughed and laughed. I remember one essay - something about fancy restaurants and pompous descriptions of the food on the menu. Oh my god it was all so hilarious.
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 8:40 PM on June 10, 2017 [2 favorites]

I've been having a slightly disorienting series of interactions with someone at work who I was convinced hated me for the past three years or so, but in the last three months started talking to me, and I'm realizing that I have probably been misinterpreting her "I'm at work" serious face and maybe she didn't hate me at all? Also I have been accused of being stand-offish when I really didn't think I had been and this feels like I'm finally experiencing the other side of that. Anyway! She and I were talking and she's hilarious, which I was not expecting, so I was laughing, and she said, "I'm so glad you laugh at my jokes," and it gave me warm-fuzzies. Laughing is good!
posted by lazuli at 8:50 PM on June 10, 2017 [7 favorites]

The most hilarious moments of my life have always, I'm pretty sure, involved my being completely sleep-deprived, occasionally slightly (but not completely) drunk, and something only mildly funny happening. What with the sleep deprivation and all, all I can usually remember afterwards is "oh my god we giggled about this for an hour" and not what it was we thought was so hysterical.
posted by Sequence at 8:53 PM on June 10, 2017 [3 favorites]

My friend Betty's husband Bob gets super sleepy when he drinks. We were at a wedding that had two shuttle runs from the reception to the hotel. Bob and Betty decide that he should take the first shuttle back, and she'll catch the second one, since she was a bridesmaid and had to help clean up, etc. Bob goes on his way, Betty resumes partying.

About an hour later, Betty turns around and Bob is standing behind her. Shocked, she exclaimed 'Where did you come from??!?'

It turns out that Bob fell asleep on the bus. His friend tried but failed to wake him up at the hotel..When he woke up, the bus was pulling into the parking lot of the reception, so he came back in. He was in the back of the bus which was really dimly lit, and nearly gave the driver a heart attack when he walked up.

I knew he was planning on leaving and was confused when I saw him later on, and could. not. stop. giggling once I heard the full story.
posted by Fig at 9:17 PM on June 10, 2017 [2 favorites]

I described an item as a "seated hoilet teat" when I meant to say "heated toilet seat". We laughed for quite some time.
posted by mogget at 9:30 PM on June 10, 2017 [3 favorites]

I'm 10 or so, and my brother B is 5. I'm walking down the hallway past his room and I hear him talking to himself, playing like little kids do, like you sorta no longer do at age 10 (or at least I didn't). It was interesting, so I slowed down to listen, then stepped in front of his open doorway to watch.

His back's to me, he's in a crouch, with a plastic dinosaur and a Lego man, doing voices. "I'm going to kill you!" "No you're not, I'm going to kill you!" "I can bite you!" "Oh yeah? I can fly away!" "I can fly too!" "I have laser eyes!" "I have a force field!" "I can go into outer space!", etc. He has no idea he has an audient.

It is gripping, dearest readers. Gripping.

After a couple minutes of this quality entertainment (seriously--there should be a channel of just little kids playing alone with dinosaurs and Lego men), he rises from his crouch to make them fly around, turns, and sees me, his older brother, the one he imitates uncritically and copies in every way. The one who definitely doesn't do dinosaur and Lego man voices alone anymore.

He slides back down to the floor in a slow-motion wiggle from the hips, uttering a wiggly moan like "RRrrRRrrrrRRRrrRRRrrr" and averting his eyes as if he wants nothing so much as for the earth's brobdingnagian maw to open and swallow him whole. He. Is. Mortified.


Twenty years later, I'm living in Portland and B has come out from New England and started law school there, so he moves into a room in my house. One day I need to check email so I call down the hall, "Hey B can I use your computer for a sec?" As I approach his door he shouts "Sure just a couple minutes" but his door is ajar and it's too late--I can already see that he's standing in front of the mirror, his alto saxophone around his neck, shirtless. He's posing, not playing. Checking out his abs, shoulders...admiring his physique in the mirror in various cool sax guy positions.

I realize I have a rare opportunity for a longitudinal study of humiliation. If I nudge the door and alert him to my presence, will he melt down into the floor as he did so many years before? Has he changed, grown? Or, perhaps, have I grown?

Well, gentle MeFites, I had grown. I discreetly backed into the living room, around the corner, and hollered out "OK," letting him put his horn down and beshirt himself, oblivious to the fact that I've seen him in a moment of such untrammeled narcissism and vulnerability.

I still wonder, though. I still wonder.
posted by Joseph Gurl at 9:33 PM on June 10, 2017 [17 favorites]

Twice in my life I've laughed so hard at a movie I had a hard time catching my breath. One was Duck Soup and the other was The Aristocrats.

I have NO idea what conclusions you can draw about my sense of humor based on that.
posted by potrzebie at 9:51 PM on June 10, 2017 [2 favorites]

The first time I read David Sedaris' Me Talk Pretty One Day.

And I've said this before, but anytime my wife and I watch the MST3K short Assignment Venezuela.
posted by Gorgik at 10:13 PM on June 10, 2017 [3 favorites]

Sleep Talking Man .
This monkey that drop kicked a random pedestrian (this is a beautiful visual metaphor for what India is really like).
posted by dhruva at 10:21 PM on June 10, 2017

Funniest thing I've ever seen on the Internet:

L'Brondelle's Universe
posted by Joseph Gurl at 10:26 PM on June 10, 2017

Twenty-seven years ago. My mom's boyfriend-at-the-time imitating a friend of mine with poor telephone skills. Hardest and longest I have ever laughed in my life. At a grown man, mocking a child, who I considered a friend. See you in Hell!
posted by prize bull octorok at 10:32 PM on June 10, 2017 [2 favorites]

I wondered if I'd find this sneezing cat as funny as I remembered. It's better.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 10:40 PM on June 10, 2017 [2 favorites]

I still laugh at the 10+ year-old memory of hearing my mother tell the joke about the grape-seeking duck (inexplicably, her duck wanted egg salad) macadamiaranch mentioned. She could barely spit out the words because she was laughing so hard while telling the story.
posted by she's not there at 11:01 PM on June 10, 2017

Lionel taking the zombie baby to the park in Dead Alive (aka Braindead).

The first time I ever laughed so hard I couldn't breathe was in high school when I read another kid's notebook of one-liners. Many were bits from famous comedians of the time, but the more absurdist ones were his own.

How to Shave makes me laugh if I even think about it. I can't even say why, something in the rhythm of it, maybe?
posted by Mister Moofoo at 11:34 PM on June 10, 2017 [3 favorites]

Young Frankenstein brings me to helpless tears every single time I watch it.
posted by dogmom at 11:57 PM on June 10, 2017 [4 favorites]

Billy Connolly live in a San Francisco nightclub in the early 90s. I have not, before or since, laughed so hard for so long. My face hurt that night, and my sides and shoulders still hurt the next day.

I find much in life funny, either genuinely or as a defense against despair (the human condition). The truly hilarious is an occasional lightning bolt that helps to remind me that it is important to keep exploring.

More recently, Wordshore's recounting of the Red Leicester Conspiracy and The Passing of Nutkins. Reading these tales aloud to others upon occasion has been the highlight of an otherwise dark day.

There's a shawl that someone made as part of a mystery knit-along... many of the shawls were awkward or funny, but there's one. The pattern is intended for lots of small amounts of different yarns. And the pattern is given out in weekly chunks. In one section someone chose to use blue fun fur or eyelash yarn as one of their strands. It looks like a patch of Muppet pelt. But it kind of works. If I can find it, I'll post a link to it.

And then there's this, which is one of the least, um, intersting products on offer in that Etsy store. NSFW/NSFLife. Really. Can't be unseen. They do have the odd product for men, as well.
posted by monopas at 12:49 AM on June 11, 2017 [3 favorites]

It's not the funniest thing ever, but the funniest this week, at least:

I'm grading university student essays, and I already gave feedback on earlier drafts where I told a lot of them that they had too many assertions and anecdotes and not enough evidence. One of the students then handed in a rewrite that looks pretty much like their earlier draft, except for an added sentence in the introduction that now says, "By the way, my data is 100% legit."
posted by lollusc at 12:58 AM on June 11, 2017 [14 favorites]

The funniest things I've ever seen require so much context that nobody would enjoy hearing about them except me.

But, the two funniest things I've seen that exist as video links are the most efficient comedy sketch in history and Yatta!. The funniest thing I've heard since The Most Unwanted Music is Acapella (Have a Beer) It is literally impossible for me to experience any of them without physical laughter, despite years of exposure.
posted by eotvos at 1:20 AM on June 11, 2017

Ooh, this was going to be my first second ask! This will be long since I've had a head start.

First, I'm going to copy and earlier comment of mine:
In 1980, at the Nuart art house movie theatre in L.A., a crowd of people settled in to watch a movie. Back then The Nuart rarely showed first-run films. The coming attractions were usually familiar and unremarkable, but on that day, a trailer for a new, unknown film was introduced.

It felt familiar at first, but then the jokes started coming. Jokes for a movie the crowd hadn't heard of yet. Jokes unlike anything that came before them. Jokes so funny you couldn't hear the next one over the laughter. Jokes so perfectly-crafted they needed a whole new comedy sub-category to describe them. These jokes became such a part of the cultural fabric that's it's almost impossible to remember a time when they were all new, but indeed they were, and we had just seen the greatest movie trailer of all time. That trailer was for a movie called Airplane!
It's hard to imagine anything will ever be funnier to me. This scene from Police Squad! is what started this question for me, and is just as funny as anything in Airplane! Angie Tribeca deserves a mention here as a legit heir to Airplane!

Because I also have rules that no one knows or cares about, and the only difference between me and Larry David is that I probably would have ended up giving them the candy.

Other funny 4lyfe things I love: Debbie Downer, Fire! Sale!, Norm MacDonald roasts Bob Saget, pretty much any episode of the Dead Author podcasts.

IRL there was that time my friend and I were super high and he was showing me pictures of his trip to Egypt. He was telling me about the bazaars and how they were in tents but I thought he said they were intense. The ensuing confusion and then realization of what happened was one of the funniest conversations I've ever had. Or maybe that other time with the pot brownies.

Holmes and Yoyo

I loved Holmea and Yoyo and totally forgot about it. That link had me in tears.
posted by Room 641-A at 1:28 AM on June 11, 2017 [3 favorites]

When our twin half brothers' baptism rolled around, it had been a looooong time since I or my middle sis had put foot in a Catholic church. It was our family and two others in an otherwise empty church of the modern concrete type. It was echoey and the priest wasn't using the A/V system for a small ceremony. He says "I will now annoint their foreheads..."

And my sister and I turned to each other and simultaneously whispered "Did he just say 'Sacremental Jism?!'" And then promptly tried very badly to hide our hysterics.

It only got worse when, after we had all gathered around placing a hand each under their heads for the pouring of water, we returned to our seats and our grandmother couldn't find the semi-used kleeenex she had perennially stuffed up her sleeve. "What if it fell into the baptismal font?!"

Surruptously wiping the tears of hysterics from our eyes, we both agreed we were probably going to Hell for sacrilege. Which only set us off more, being snarky 20-something recovered Catholics.
posted by romakimmy at 1:28 AM on June 11, 2017

I posted this today on an FB group about San Francisco on a post about Whiz Burger.

During the first month or so I lived in San Francisco I drove past Whiz Burger and a homeless guy had stood up from his wheelchair, was holding himself up on the payphone in front with his pants down, spraying liquid 💩 into the air.

Their burgers were not bad but the other memory is the strongest. 😀
posted by bendy at 1:35 AM on June 11, 2017 [1 favorite]

And I will never ever stop laughing about the moment in Little Miss Sunshine when Abigail Breslin rips off her pants while she's dancing to Super Freak.
posted by bendy at 1:40 AM on June 11, 2017 [1 favorite]

I've told this story before. Repeating it here without the typos in the original.

My son was about 4 years old when Toy Story was released. He watched it so often that he memorized long stretches of dialogue and delivered the lines with the inflections used by the actors in the movie. When he started the are-we-there-yet whining during the trip to Grandma and Grandpa's one Christmas, his dad and I distracted him with the (not really serious) challenge to recite the entire movie. His sister joined him and between the two of them, they delivered.

In time, Toy Story 2 was added to the collection. Naturally, both movies slipped in the home rotation as he got older, but he watched occasionally to humor me. When Toy Story 3 was released, we saw it at the local theater. It was a Saturday matinee and the place was packed with other parents and kids. But, my "little boy" was 6'4" and had just graduated from high school.

As you may know, at the end of Toy Story 3, Andy's toys are spared the sad fate of being stored in the attic when Andy decides to give them to a little girl whose toys had been lost. He takes them to her house, but before he hands them over, he starts to take Woody from the box. It's clear that part of Woody really wants to stay with Andy. At the same time, he's a toy—he is supposed to be with a child. Andy lets Woody fall back into the box, sits down with the little girl, and introduces her to the toys. The movie closes with him playing with the toys for the last time. Andy, like my son, is all grown up now.

I'm tearing up as I type this—at the theater, I was barely suppressing sobs. We stayed, as usual, when the credits rolled. The place was about empty when my son stood up to leave, but I put my hand up in the "wait a minute" sign. This is when he realizes that I'm crying. I'm afraid that if I stand up, he will hug me and I will lose it.

Instead, he leans down as if he were talking to a small child and says "This is why we don't go to nice places."
posted by she's not there at 3:06 AM on June 11, 2017 [34 favorites]

But, the two funniest things I've seen that exist as video links are the most efficient comedy sketch in history and Yatta! . - - eotvos

Oh my god. I haven't seen Yatta! since...lord, probably shortly after it became A Thing here in the US (or at least in my cousin's basement full of unusually-advanced computers, circa 2001). The version I saw then was not, I don't think, subtitled, and we assumed that it was an actual music video, of the type of "wtf were these people smoking" creativity that all musicians seem to turn out at some point in their careers. Watching it now with English subtitles for the lyrics, I was like "omg, that's actually...kinda sweet! It's a silly little song about optimism!" And then I read the Wikipedia article that didn't exist in 2001 and that tells me that it's a comedy sketch, not an actual music video, and now I don't know how to feel :/

Two of my own, from that same era of discovering funny videos on the internet being a word-of-mouth, exciting thing. Nothing's quite hit the level of subversive teenage-humor since for me: "Go stand by the stairs!" (aka The Terrible Secret of Space) and "Caaaarlll!" (aka Llamas with Hats). For years after we found that first one, my cousin's standard retort to his parents when they got annoying was "Oh, go stand by the stairs!" Watching them now, Caaaarl totally holds up, but the space robots, less so.

We're both pushing 40 now, and he has a kid pushing puberty, but I bet if I called him up and said that sentence, he'd still lose his shit. *adds that to to-do list*
posted by Hold your seahorses at 3:37 AM on June 11, 2017 [2 favorites]

When I was hugely pregnant for Kid #1, my sister and I went to see Eddie Izzard.

I leave you all with "Cake or Death."

Interesting sidenote, my daughter is a MASSIVE Izzard fan.

And while searching for this clip, I saw that Izzard will be in Boston next week!!!
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 3:50 AM on June 11, 2017 [6 favorites]

Two stories, both about king cake.

1. In Which Nic Cage Leaves A Voicemail

2. My first year in New Orleans, in my college dorm, and they bought us our first king cake. I was discussing the tradition with some of my new friends who were also new to the area. They were worried about the inclusion of a non-edible thing inside their king cake.
A: What happens if you choke on the baby Jesus?
Me: (laughing)
B: You die.
Me: (laughing)
A: You probably go to heaven though.
Me: (gasps of laughter, sinking to the floor, unable to breathe)
posted by Night_owl at 4:28 AM on June 11, 2017 [4 favorites]

He has no idea he has an audient.

Mind! Blown! Audience is a plural!

Anyway, my favorite thing visually is a sight gag from Speed 3. As you'll know, Pat Mustard has been sacked as a milkman after it was found that he had played a part in conceiving the majority of the children on the island. So Fr Dougal had taken his job, and Pat had taken his revenge. Once the milk float went over 4 mph, if it slowed down below that, it would explode. And Fr Dougal was driving along to a place where the was a pile of empty cardboard boxes in the road, which could slow the milk cart below detonation speed. Anyway hopefully this link will show what happened next.
posted by ambrosen at 5:29 AM on June 11, 2017 [4 favorites]

A lot of the funny family stories are contextual and probably would not mean much to anyone but us. (One example, my mother and grandmother at the funeral home planning my grandfather's funeral and getting the hysterical giggles when the guy helping them answered the phone and said "Guest and Winston, this is Guest," because his supercilious tone, which my mother could imitate perfectly, was a lot of the funny part.)

So, my all time favorite funny movie is Bringing Up Baby, which I own, but still get sucked into every time I stumble across it. Here's one clip (youtube) as an example.

The crowded cabin scene (youtube clip) from A Night at the Opera is great too.

Johnny Wallflower, thanks for reminding me of the sneezing pets video. Our cat sounds just like he is woofing when he sneezes, but I have yet to catch it on video.
posted by gudrun at 6:18 AM on June 11, 2017 [1 favorite]

I won't commit to it being the funniest, but I CRIED with laughter the first time I listened to the "Slowing it Down" episode of the U Talking U2 to Me? podcast.
posted by a fiendish thingy at 6:43 AM on June 11, 2017

I think the scene when my then-15-y-old son was eating watermelon and, rather early on, just dropped his head forward right into his slice of melon tops. For an unrehearsed stunt it was amazingly well performed, and entirely unexpected. It was very difficult to go on eating watermelon after that.

And then... there are a few scenes from the Pink panther movies that I still recall watching for the first time. I almost blew the top of my head off laughing. The parallel bars; and the scene where Clouseau runs through a room and right out of the window into the water. Second scene here.
posted by Namlit at 7:11 AM on June 11, 2017 [5 favorites]

This man liked to drive fast. Really fast.

He would get up early in the morning on weekends and go up and down the highway, driving as fast as he could. Every weekend.

This particular weekend, early Sunday morning, as he pushed the accelerator to the floor, flashing lights appeared behind him. He pulled over and opened his window as the officer approached.

The two looked at each other for a long moment before the officer said, "Good morning, wing commander. Are we having trouble taking off?"
posted by lharmon at 7:24 AM on June 11, 2017 [6 favorites]

this scene from the season 1 finale of Silicon Valley (NSFW language). I cried laughing while the guys seriously came up with mathematical formulae to determine how long it'd take for Erlich to um, jerk off every man in a conference room.
posted by saturngirl at 7:57 AM on June 11, 2017 [5 favorites]

^^^ that's a good one.

I was on a flight back from India, night time, about 5 hours in, somewhere over the polar ice cap when I came to the essay Big Boy by David Sedaris. At least three rows behind and in front were suddenly woke and an attendant came to investigate and I could not even stop the spasmodic belly laughs to explain to my wife, who seemed as concerned as the flight attendant. And it just got worse as I read.

I seriously considered lifting this monster out of the toilet and tossing it out the window. It honestly crossed my mind...
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 8:37 AM on June 11, 2017 [1 favorite]

My 11 year old daughter were talking about this the other day. Now, she's two inches taller than I am already, all of 85 pounds, and just a natural athlete. She looks like a gazelle when she runs in soccer, easily floating across the field.

So she asks me, "Mom, do you ever laugh so hard you almost pee your pants?" And I say sure. She says "you know, when you see something really really funny. Like when an adult tries to run".

And then of course she ends with "no offense"
posted by purenitrous at 9:30 AM on June 11, 2017 [7 favorites]

Umpty-thousand years ago, when I was four and my little sister was 2, she asked me "what sound do bunny rabbits make?", as in cows go moo and cats meow, so what about bunnies? Being the wise older sister (and possibly having been raised on too many WB cartoons), I told her "bunnies go beep". Dear Reader, she believed me.

Cut to twenty-five years later, when Sister's own 3-year-old daughter asked, "Mommy, what sound do bunny rabbits make?" Sister told her daughter the truth, of course: "bunnies go beep". She promptly called me and much giggling ensued.

Cut to another twenty-five years, when Sister's 3-year-old granddaughter asked, "Mommy, what sound do bunny rabbits make?" You guessed it: of course my niece told the kid "bunnies go beep", then called her mother and me, and considerably more giggling ensued.

We're hoping for a fourth generation.
posted by easily confused at 10:20 AM on June 11, 2017 [18 favorites]

I just found out about this. It's out of New Orleans! Look at this lineup! It's like somebody read my mind for the perfect vacation.

But pips can't get the time off. And we can't really afford it.

posted by jonmc at 10:31 AM on June 11, 2017 [1 favorite]

Angie Tribeca routinely reduces me to helpless laughter. The gags that utterly slay me are inevitably the ones predicated on utter absurdity. My husband never thinks these are funny. The first time I totally lost it, my husband was just staring at me with a little smile on his face. I said, "Oh my god, don't you agree that that was hilarious?" and he said, "I am honestly glad that this is your thing and you love it so much."

The last one was the S02E02 opener, where Angie is talking to the guy on the edge of a roof, and then she leaves to take a phone call. (I won't spoil what happens... It's on Hulu, or you can probably find a copyright-violating YT video.) I started laughing, couldn't stop, just laughed harder and louder, straight through the opening credits, until he had to hit the pause button so we didn't miss anything.

When I finally got a hold of myself, he just sighed, and said, "Well, I'm glad they know their target audience, " and hit play again.

Seriously, if you like classic Zucker Brothers: Angie Tribeca. It is Police Squad! for the 21st century. Steve and Nancy Carrell are the creators. It's bonkers.
posted by BrashTech at 10:52 AM on June 11, 2017 [5 favorites]

Terry Gross did an infamous, notoriously funny, and oddly unarchived interview with Gene Simmons early this century which I had this to say about in a random NPR thread here a few years ago:
Terry Gross' interview of Gene Simmons is quite possibly the funniest thing ever to make electrons dance in copper wires.

A dawning awareness that there must be much ganging agley in Mr. Simmon's cerebral cortex may have been all that saved me from a ruptured diaphragm.
I didn't provide a link to it then, so I thought I should, and listen to it again before bringing it up in this thread.

And it didn't so much as lift the corners of my mouth.

Not that Simmons isn't some kind of grotesque Ur-father of the then aborning MRA movement, or that he isn't repellently obnoxious to a degree I'd have to be able to stick my tongue out farther than he can to express. He certainly comes across as both of those things among others on a rising tide of awfulness during that interview.

But he is also crushingly lonely, anxious, and isolated within a vast dark cavern of Self that none of the 4000+ women he's had sex with (women, only women; he's very concerned that we know that), and has that many individual "Polaroids" of as proof, have been able to breach -- oh wait, there is one other person in there with him: his mother, who was freed from a concentration camp at the end of WWII, and gave birth to him in Israel six months after the founding of the state.

It was all I could do not to break into sobs by the end.

This, on the other hand, is even funnier to me now than when I first watched it; I only wish I could find the thread I saw it linked in to give credit to the user who gave me and all the people I sent it to so much pleasure.

I recommend watching it for the first time with the sound off.
posted by jamjam at 11:15 AM on June 11, 2017 [4 favorites]

It was a joke on "Veep". The wonkish statistics/policy guy has just finished saying something wonkishly satistical, and one character asks another, "I bet when he takes a shit it's a literal number two."
posted by fleacircus at 11:36 AM on June 11, 2017 [4 favorites]

Watching it now with English subtitles for the lyrics, I was like "omg, that's actually...kinda sweet! It's a silly little song about optimism!" And then I read the Wikipedia article that didn't exist in 2001 and that tells me that it's a comedy sketch, not an actual music video, and now I don't know how to feel :/
I don't speak Japanese or have any connection to the culture, and I also first saw Yatta! presented as something from a "real" band with no translation. (A digression on the definition of a real band would be fun, but may be a derail.)

Perhaps it's just because of my tendency to beanplate everything, but I was incredibly pleased to learn that it's an explicit comedy act. It obliterated the mild, ugly tingle I usually feel when I enjoy something presented to a wesetern audience as an example of wacky Japanese media. That these are comedians performing for a comedy audience makes me confident that I'm laughing with the Japanese concert goers rather than laughing at the Japanese concert goers.

There's also a surprisingly fun acoustic, English cover that's worth a listen.
posted by eotvos at 12:34 PM on June 11, 2017

Terry Gross did an infamous, notoriously funny, and oddly unarchived interview with Gene Simmons early this century which I had this to say about in a random NPR thread here a few years ago
It's been nearly a decade since I discovered that Richard Simmons and Gene Simmons are two different people, and yet I still can't tell without research which one is being talked about without context. This was a much weirder story before I realized which Simmons is involved. But, it's a fascinating interview.

Hearing Gross give a bad interview is fascinating. I mean "bad" in the sense that the parties involved seem to hate each other and the fact that they're conducting an interview. Not bad in the sense that it isn't interesting. (I'd much rather listen to a bad interview than a boring interview. Or PR for a television show, which seems to be an ever increasing part of the Fresh Air model.) There have been several angry interviews, though Hugh Hefner is the one that stands out most in my mind.

On the other hand, a great Gross interview is sublime. I'm pretty sure the eighth tier of heaven involves sitting at a dinner table with Terry Gross, John Waters, and David Sedaris.
posted by eotvos at 12:48 PM on June 11, 2017 [1 favorite]

jamjam: can't tell you how much I appreciate the link to the Gross interview with Simmons, which allowed me to confirm that is was so wtf-amazing. I always hated the band and I wasn't surprised to learn that Gene was (assuming still is) an awful example of humanity. Gross did an admirable job of letting his true colors fly.
posted by she's not there at 12:54 PM on June 11, 2017

It's been nearly a decade since I discovered that Richard Simmons and Gene Simmons are two different people, and yet I still can't tell without research which one is being talked about without context.

Luckily you weren't a fan in the 70's. When us kids would bring his name up my parents would look at us confused and say "the actress?"
posted by bongo_x at 1:20 PM on June 11, 2017 [5 favorites]

Also David Sedaris reading his stadium pal essay.
posted by bendy at 2:11 PM on June 11, 2017 [2 favorites]

And don't you ever call Zimbabwe again!
posted by Oyéah at 2:14 PM on June 11, 2017 [1 favorite]

That interview is disgusting.
posted by sockermom at 2:16 PM on June 11, 2017

This happens to me quite regularly, and often in public. For example, I was at a play a few months ago, and early on in the second act, the protagonist begins composing a letter/reading it out loud, discussing how much her life has changed recently. "To think," she states, "last month all I cared about was getting home from work on time to see that new reality show, Eat a Snake!" I mean, it was a funny line, it got a good laugh, but I LOST it. I laughed so hard, and for way longer than was socially acceptable at the theatre, so I tried to choke it back, but then I would just imagine a super-cheesy game show host saying "This week, on Eat a Snake! . . . Will Deborah eat a snake?!?!?! Stay tuned to find out!!!!" and I would start laughing all over again. NB I laughed again after typing this.

Another time, my friends were throwing me a going away party before I moved to Spain, and they had put up decorations, so there were balloons and streamers everywhere. I don't really remember what started it, but someone threw a balloon at someone else, and then it was a race to rip all the balloons off the walls and pick them up off the floor to throw at each other. Everyone was laughing, and it got to the point where we were laughing so hard we couldn't physically throw any more balloons; I had collapsed onto the couch actually holding my sides while laughing harder than I can ever remember. This is also not a thing that was super funny when you think about it, but man, I laughed so hard.

On a different note, someone here on MetaFilter tipped me off to this video, and it will never not be funny.
posted by chainsofreedom at 3:00 PM on June 11, 2017 [8 favorites]

I'm glad they know their target audience

I am too! The writing is so tight and they totally know how to wring everything out of a bit. Watching some of those episodes where they do a thing over and over like eight times? I am just amazed at how much more often it hits than misses. I never thought I'd like comedy on TV anymore (after Parks and Rec maybe?) until it came along.

Unrelated: my sister has a fat cat, Sergeant Charlie Preston, who got a haircut because he gets hot in the summer. So he has a lion cut. This looks a little silly on him and she took a photo of him at a weird angle looking pretty darned funny. Which, haha. But! Now that's become our go-to gag image so that when something ELSE happens we mock it up and text it to the other and... funny on funny! Before that it was just the toilet of frogs.
posted by jessamyn (retired) at 8:42 PM on June 11, 2017 [4 favorites]

The first link is NFG, jessamyn.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 8:52 PM on June 11, 2017

This thread is still my go-to place when I need a good laugh.
posted by rjs at 8:54 PM on June 11, 2017 [4 favorites]

The first link is NFG, jessamyn.

posted by jessamyn (retired) at 9:00 PM on June 11, 2017 [1 favorite]

In thinking back and looking back at funny things, I realize that I probably haven't "Laughed Out Loud" since the abbreviation "LOL" became common... when I think something IS funny, I just smile mildly, but if facing the source of the funny, I give them a polite chuckle. Compared to when I got side cramps laughing at "Airplane" in the long ago.

But still, one of my all-time favorite jokes over 100 words:
A guy was at his doctor’s office and the Doc asked him what the problem was. The guy said, “Well, Doc, it’s my willy…you see, whenever I pee, it sprays out in all directions and that tends to upset the blokes at the next urinals”. The doc started examining it and discovered it was full of little holes. “How on earth did it get like that?” he asked. The guy explained, “Well, Doc, I like to play darts down at the pub, and some nights, after I’ve had a few pints, I put my darts in my front pants pocket and walk home.” The doctor scribbled a name on a piece of paper and handed it to the patient. “I want you to go see this man”, he said. “Is he a specialist or something?” asked the guy. The doctor said “No, he’s a clarinet player…he’ll show you how to hold it”.
posted by oneswellfoop at 9:42 PM on June 11, 2017 [4 favorites]

Two years ago I invited a friend-of-friends to crash on my futon for a conference. On the second night she was at my house, I was passing through the kitchen at night when I noticed she had one of my pots boiling on the stove. No big deal, I was/am always up for letting couchsurfers make some food. Then I looked into the pot. Inside was a red plastic object that looked suspiciously like a butt plug.

The next day I was feeling a little salty and posted the following Facebook status; "I never thought I would have to add 'please don't sanitize your sex toys in my cooking pots' to my list of rules for house guests, but apparently I have underestimated people.' Of course I forgot for a minute that, since the offending party was in my extended social circle, there was a chance she'd run across my post.

Later that day, I get a frantic text from my guest saying "that wasn't a sex toy, that was a lice comb! I'm so sorry." By that point I was with a small group of friends at a party and we were all a bit tipsy. We all immediately burst into giggles and tried to decide which option was actually worse, and what would make a person think it was okay to boil either without permission. By the end of the night the mere mention of the words "lice comb" had me literally on the floor in uncontrollable laughter.

We did a basic google image search at the time and couldn't find any lice comb that looked remotely like what I'd seen. Later, another friend figured out I'd probably seen this thing. No wonder I thought I'd seen a butt plug from a distance.
posted by ActionPopulated at 9:51 PM on June 11, 2017 [3 favorites]

The entirety of Zoolander. I don't know why, just thinking about the movie in the abstract makes me lose control. Oh and that scene in Seinfeld were Elaine is having a fight with George's dad and says "I could drop you like a bag of dirt!" So yeah, Jerry Stiller and nothing high brow.

Incidentally, everyone I know everywhere loves Sedaris but he does literally nothing for me. I don't know what is wrong with my humor calibration.
posted by Literaryhero at 10:22 PM on June 11, 2017 [1 favorite]

No, he’s a clarinet player...

Thank you. I laughed out loud.
posted by Bruce H. at 10:55 PM on June 11, 2017

This gag from the IT Crowd.
posted by Bloxworth Snout at 1:45 AM on June 12, 2017 [3 favorites]

Funniest thing I've ever heard? No way to tell, but right now it's this comment from Eyebrows McGee in the UK election thread.
posted by busted_crayons at 2:26 AM on June 12, 2017 [1 favorite]

In elementary school, our playground had the school entrance and parking lot at the north end, a stream along the west side, a field where cows grazed at the south end, and a field with horses bordering the east side. Between the school and the south end was enough space for a regulation track field and a baseball field, so there was a lot of room.

One day in fourth or fifth grade, at lunch recess, three friends and I get a brilliant idea: we had spotted a big black bull near the fence on the south end, so we could go and see if waving something red at a bull would make it charge, like in the cartoons. We didn't have anything red, but I had on a pink coat so we thought that would do it.

Off we go to try and get a large bull angry. (Proof positive that young kids don't understand potential consequences.) Since it was my coat, I waved it. The bull looked at us lazily at first, but eventually gave a snort and pawed the ground a couple times. Success! By now it was the end of recess so we ran back to class.

When mid-afternoon recess came around, a teacher got on the PA to announce it was canceled because a bull had broken through the back fence, was running around the playground, and hadn't been caught yet. My friends and I shared furtive looks of shock. Now it's funny – mainly because we survived.
posted by fraula at 5:00 AM on June 12, 2017 [6 favorites]

I have never, ever, laughed so hard in my entire life as when I saw Robin Williams' "A Night at the Met" on VHS, circa 1987 in my college dorm room. Years later, when I watched "On Broadway," it just Wasn't. The. Same. I miss laughing like that so much.
posted by Melismata at 7:59 AM on June 12, 2017 [2 favorites]

I didn't watch 30 Rock til recently, and about once every 3 or 4 episodes there'd be a throwaway line that made me lose it so much that my viewing companion had to pause the episode for several minutes so that I could laugh-cry the hysterics out.

I only remember a couple of the exact ones, but one was

Liz: Tracy did you even go home last night, and where's your shirt?"
Tracy: No, and, at large.

Another was

Jack: I don't have bedbugs, Kenneth, I went to Princeton.
Kenneth: Sir, anyone can get them. Back in Stone Mountain, even the mayor had bedbugs. And she was a horse.

posted by greenish at 8:03 AM on June 12, 2017 [3 favorites]

This piece in the Atlantic had me laughing so hard that my then-husband came running because he thought I was having some sort of medical emergency.
posted by coppermoss at 8:33 AM on June 12, 2017 [6 favorites]

The episode of Blackadder II (beer) where his devout auntie and uncle come to visit for dinner, to discuss his inheritance, which also happens to be the same night of a big drinking bash he's holding under threat of beheading..


"um... sorta looks like a thingy, doesn't it?"

"Great Boo's UP!"

edit: added the episode name (beer)
posted by some loser at 9:07 AM on June 12, 2017

Late to the cocktail party but had to come and share. This dinosaur mascot falling had me in hysterics once. It still makes me LOL whenever I watch it again. Please don't just watch once, it gets better after about 10 falls.
posted by CrazyLemonade at 9:22 AM on June 12, 2017 [6 favorites]

My husband and son and I played a game recently called 5-Second Rule, where you have to name three things from a given category in five seconds. I had to name "three ways to get unwanted guests to leave" and in that miniscule amount of time, the only thing I could think of was "farting." Everyone laughed, but my husband spent almost five minutes describing how that process would go and I couldn't breathe because of the paralyzing laughter.

My abs hurt for days.
posted by altopower at 9:50 AM on June 12, 2017 [2 favorites]

The delivery and timing made this moment but I'll try to give an impression in text.

I'm in a van with some friends driving Up North for a weekend in a cabin in January. It's snowing and the drive is shitty. We call in an order for burritos from the burrito place in Duluth and two of my friends go in to get them, leaving three of us parked in the van: one in the driver's seat, one in the middle, me in the way back. It's quiet outside and we're sitting in the dark all looking at our phones. I figure my friend is probably scrolling through Facebook just like I am when she starts talking in this mildly interested tone: "Hmm. How do you keep Canadian bacon from curling in the frying pan?" As if she's reading some mildly interesting clickbait on the timeline. So we're like "huh, dunno, how?" and she shouts out the punchline in a jazz-hands voice: "TAKE AWAY THEIR TINY LITTLE BROOMS!"

There is a one-second beat as the joke ambush dawns on us. The other two start laughing and my response is a deadpan "I'm so angry. I AM SO MAD RIGHT NOW, YOU FUCKIN JERK." Three minutes later, when our friends come back with the burritos, we have to retell the story to explain why we're all still shriek-laughing, so that makes it twice as funny.

The funniest thing I've ever seen by proxy is when my mom told me about the Abba turd scene in Priscilla, Queen of the Desert, choking on every successive word through tears of laughter.
posted by clavicle at 10:29 AM on June 12, 2017 [7 favorites]

I was driving my ~8-year-old daughter somewhere one day, and in a moment of paternal sappiness said to her "I really love you, kid."

She replied, "Did you know some people eat paper?"

That absurd non sequitur made me laugh so hard I almost had to pull over. Years later, we still reenact that moment sometimes.

Speaking of non sequitur, I have a friend who had often read that phrase but never heard it pronounced. One day he said it out loud the way he had always pronounced in his head, and it was really hard to stifle my laughs at his earnest "But that's a non suh-KWEET-er!"
posted by Pater Aletheias at 12:08 PM on June 12, 2017 [7 favorites]

From the movie Top Secret!:

Deja Vu: "Don't take it so hard, Nick. Each of us, in his own way must learn to deal with adversity in a mature and adult fashion."

[Deja Vu sneezes into his hands, looks at his hands, SCREAMS LIKE A MANIAC, runs and throws himself out the nearest window.]
posted by doctornecessiter at 12:15 PM on June 12, 2017 [4 favorites]

And, while near the subject of 30 Rock...2 all-time favorites:

[Jenna is teaching Kenneth how to do backdoor brags, and he's not getting it]

Jenna: For example -- "It's hard for me to watch American Idol, because I have perfect pitch." Now you try!
Kenneth: "It's hard for me to watch American Idol, because there's a waterbug on my channel-changer."

Also, on one of the last episodes (maybe even the series finale), a great insult that could only come from the mind of Tracy Jordan: "The night is young...And neither are you!"
posted by doctornecessiter at 12:23 PM on June 12, 2017 [3 favorites]

I'm at my bar, and ESPN has declared that a Patriots-Cowboys Super Bowl is the most likely outcome of the upcoming season. I loathe both teams.

posted by jonmc at 12:31 PM on June 12, 2017

That clarinet joke has had me in giggles. :) thanks!
posted by freethefeet at 1:54 PM on June 12, 2017

The sneeze gag gets even funnier when you realize, Deja Vu was played by Jim Carter, who also plays Carson on Downton Abbey.
posted by BrashTech at 2:38 PM on June 12, 2017 [1 favorite]

I was wandering around Dublin a few years ago and I saw a boom gate descend right in front of a cyclist. He went chest first in to it. His bike kept going without him. I'll be laughing about it on my deathbed.
posted by the duck by the oboe at 4:12 PM on June 12, 2017 [1 favorite]

When my "childhood" family (dad, mom bros and sis and now spouses and kids) get together, there is almost always at least one moment where I will have a gut laugh that just makes me completely forget about the world for a moment and revel in the humor and laughter. Of course, that's all based on decades of inside jokes and personal history, so it would not make sense to share any of it here.

I was privvy to my wife almost pissing her pants in laughter once. Much of this might get lost in translation. We stopped for drinks after work on a particularly stressful Friday for both of us. After drinks, she had to pick up some meds. So, we're in the drive through lane waiting to pick them up. I tell her a joke.

"Why is a T-Rex so angry all the time? Because he has itty-bitty arms and can't masturbate." Keeping in mind, I used a very high pitched voice for the itty-bitty arms part and I pulled my arms as close to my body as possible to approximate arms of a T-rex and flung them around wildly attempting to show what the T-Rex was failing at. Funny, sure. But that funny?

The glass or two of wine she had, combined with her thinking the joke was going somewhere else entirely, combined with a little sleep deprivation... she laughed for a solid five minutes, if she laughed for a second.

Our daughter had spent that night with my parents. So, after they dropped her off the next day, we went to lunch. I asked my daughter the same question about T-Rex. The look on my wife's face was priceless. She was so mortified that I was about to use the word masturbate in front of our (then) 7-yo. You could see the terror in her eyes for the 30 seconds between starting the joke and delivering the punchline.

I changed the punchline to "and they can't scratch their belly."

Daughter, of course, thought it was the best joke ever and laughed. Wife, relieved, laughed as well. Their laughter fed off each other for another good 3-5 minutes.

Now, several years later, all I have to do is say "itty-bitty arms" and both are in hysterics. And, I will be definitely telling my daughter the original version of the joke... probably before it's age-appropriate. I fully expect she will share it with her kids.

Unless I tell it to her kids first. I'm pretty sure that's the kind of grandpa I will be.
posted by a non mouse, a cow herd at 7:55 PM on June 12, 2017 [4 favorites]

I don't remember why I google image searched "runners with bleeding nipples" but I laughed for a good half hour scrolling through the results.

I realise this does not speak well of my character.
posted by misfish at 8:04 PM on June 12, 2017 [3 favorites]

Reeves and Mortimer, Stars in Their Eyes sketch, Bill Decker segment. I was certain I would pass out.
posted by robself at 4:31 AM on June 13, 2017

Oh, another classic from my childhood that will never, ever get old: The scene in Clue where Wadsworth and Mrs. White are on the same floor in the house, the lights are cut out and she starts screaming...Wadsworth frantically stumbles in the dark trying to find her...He opens a door and runs through it right into a wall, where he finds another handle. "What's this? Another door?" He turns it...The shower turns on into his face.

The gag itself is good, but I think what really sells it to me is Tim Curry just standing there taking it without surprise, as if to say, "Oh. Damn it."
posted by doctornecessiter at 9:05 AM on June 13, 2017 [2 favorites]

When Tropic Thunder came out, I went to see it alone one night, because I was spending all my time raising young kids and I was pretty frazzled and worn out and I just had to get out of the house.

Something about my mood and that movie synced up so perfectly at that moment that when the movie ended, I was laughing so hard I just sat there in my seat while the credits rolled and even after, laughing and laughing. I realized it wasn't going to stop, so I got in my car, still laughing, drove all the way home, still laughing, and didn't stop laughing until I'd been sitting on my couch for something like ten minutes.

I've seen it since and, yeah, it's funny. But it's never been that funny again, and I doubt anything ever will be again.
posted by Orlop at 9:26 AM on June 13, 2017 [3 favorites]

My husband and I were recently in Atlantic City, NJ and took a couple of hours to explore the famous boardwalk. We stopped for ice cream and were sitting outside the ice cream shop when a couple of locals sat down on the bench across from us. One started talking about a young woman he met recently.

"She's a ballerina dancer down at Caesar's, really beautiful and I don't know where she's from but she's got an accent. Her name is Anesthesia!"
posted by workerant at 9:52 AM on June 13, 2017 [2 favorites]

You guys are all high brow. Farting Preacher 4 kills me every time.
posted by funkiwan at 10:43 AM on June 13, 2017 [3 favorites]

That man is full of the Holy Spirit. Thank you, thank you funkiwan.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 11:03 AM on June 13, 2017

I bought two of these this morning. Haven't tried them yet. Gonna take a few more beers.
posted by jonmc at 11:46 AM on June 13, 2017 [1 favorite]

Hands down the funniest thing I've ever seen is Mac's love letter to Chase Utley.

A close second was the time when my ex bf was trying to remember the 80s slogan for Pork (after a couple few drinks) and could only conjure up "PORK: The 'Nother Beef."

Bonus: Chase Utley responds.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 11:50 AM on June 13, 2017 [1 favorite]

I forgot two more long Twitter things that give me the giggles

1. they're good dogs Brent
2. The Person Who Discovered Sharks
posted by jessamyn (retired) at 12:02 PM on June 13, 2017 [2 favorites]

I ate one. It's actually not half bad.
posted by jonmc at 12:14 PM on June 13, 2017

There's a bit in the Allie Brosh book mentioned above (which, as many of you know, has one of the best descriptions of depression around), in which Allie is jolted out of a depressive spell by the inexplicably hilarious piece of corn that she spotted under the refrigerator. I had a strikingly similar experience--albeit a bit broader/coarser/more obvious in its humor.

During a nasty depressive spell, my spouse convinced me to take a walk around the neighborhood with her. I was feeling miserable and was on the breaking point of tears when we heard a guy down the street talking to one of our neighbors about going to someone's house and stepping in a big pile of dog shit. He had a very loud voice and a very broad Boston accent and he went on and on,

"And then I SLIPPED . . . and I was SLIDIN AROUND in the DAWG SHIT . . . and I ROLLED all the way to the BOTTOM of the HILL . . . and of course by then I was COVERED with DAWG SHIT!" ON and ON.

My spouse and I looked at each other and we both burst out laughing so hard we were both sobbing and short of breath. We could barely make it back to our house because we were staggering. I think it was a much needed catharsis, and now my spouse is likely to whisper "DAWG SHIT" if I'm looking a bit melancholy.
posted by dlugoczaj at 12:57 PM on June 13, 2017 [2 favorites]

If anyone can provide the link again...: There was this leeeeengthy youtube sequence here once, of an old dude telling a story of how someone tried to collapse an old (apparently still full) septic tank using dynamite. That one knocked me out cold for a day or two, I recall.
posted by Namlit at 3:07 PM on June 13, 2017

And if you've ever been knocked out cold by a falling septic tank, you know how painful that can be!
posted by Greg_Ace at 4:55 PM on June 13, 2017

Generally I don't like to be tricked, but there is a certain kind of straightfaced, plausible yet completely insane lie that will make me laugh so hard I have to be carried away. Case in point: the Wikipedia entry explaining that Count Chocula was a real person. Or of the little girl whose parents -- who understandably didn't want her to press the front-desk button in their hotel room -- told her that it was a "goblin button," and if you pressed it, the goblins would come.
posted by Countess Elena at 6:03 PM on June 13, 2017 [4 favorites]

Greg_Ace, I'm sure you're right.
In this particular case, it seems like the toilets in a nearby house kind of spontaneously reverse-flushed, so we're looking at the, um, softer approach here. Can't find it back. Sad.
posted by Namlit at 12:57 PM on June 14, 2017 [2 favorites]

True story: My father once had someone apply for a job, and on the job application, in the blank that said "Sex," she put "One time in High Point, North Carolina."
posted by 4ster at 7:03 PM on June 14, 2017 [2 favorites]

Im coming back late, but I just remembered something! A few weeks ago, my wife and I went to a shabu shabu buffet while the kids were at daycare because I didn't have to work. Along with the regular shabu shabu stuff they had vietnamese rice wraps. I don't really know the name in English, but it is where you get the rice paper and dip it into hot water, which makes it this sticky substance. When it is soft and sticky, you wrap your food in it and eat it.

Anyway, I generally avoid the stuff because I am an idiot and end up making a huge mess, but the people at the next table seemed to be really enjoying it so I went to the salad bar and picked up some materials. I got back to our table and tried to mimic the people at the next table, but ended up gumming the whole thing up so the rice paper all stuck together and just made a huge mess (which was, of course, exactly why I didn't want to do it in the first place). So anyway, I am working at unpeeling the rice paper and getting some veggies wrapped up in it and am having a really hard time. My wife looks at the other table, looks back at me and asks "why are they eating rice wraps while you are eating used condoms?"

I looked down at the sticky rice paper mess, and sure enough, it looked exactly like a used condom. We both erupted into laughter that soon escalated to the point where everyone was staring at us. Needless to say, I will be trying the rice wraps again.
posted by Literaryhero at 10:30 PM on June 14, 2017

The original production (LA cast) of Noises Off. We were falling out of our seats, laughing. Top five, for sure.
posted by Room 641-A at 5:30 AM on June 15, 2017

Nthing Sedaris' Stadium Pal. I remember reading it to a friend and barely getting through it because I was crying from laughing.
posted by vignettist at 4:38 PM on June 15, 2017 [1 favorite]

In 1976 my older sister, Chris, and I were young and horrible teens. Because it was the nation's bicentennial, my maternal grandmother decided that she and her third husband, a cigar-smoking-Texan named Jewel, would venture from our cozy Midwestern home and camp our way across the eastern half of the country, eventually ending our trip at the nation's Capitol just in time for the big 4th of July celebration.

On our first day, in a clearly over-packed Chevy Chevette Scooter, we headed out on the road. As you did in those days, we'd occasionally stop at a Stuckey's, ostensibly for the pecan treats they had a well-deserved reputation for, but really so that my sister and I could get out of the car and investigate potential mischief that called to us like sirens on rocky shoals.

Once in Tennessee, on our way to our cousin's house for the night—the last night we'd spend in a bed on our odyssey—we saw our first roadside billboard for the first Stuckey's on our route.

"Grandma, can we stop at Stuckey's? Pleeeeze."

"Why? I don't need gas, and we stopped to pee less than an hour ago. If we want to get to your aunt's house before dark we should keep driving."

"But we want pecan candy. Pleeeeze, pleeeze, pretty pleeze."

"But we just stopped."


"We can stop another day."

"No, now. We need candy. We're starving. Plllleeeeeeze."


That's when the chanting began.

"Div-in-it-y, Pee-Can Logs. Div-in-it-y, Pee-Can Logs. Div-in-it-y, Pee-Can Logs. Div-in-it-y, Pee-Can Logs. DIV-IN-ITY, PEE-CAN LOGS."

"Alright, fine."

"Once inside the store, we picked out our pecan delights and gave them to our grandmother for purchase. But what she didn't know was that my sister had her own money, and had spotted in the souvenir aisle some practical joke and gag items, including cigar loads.

For the uninitiated, a cigar load is a sliver of soft wood with a few grains of gunpowder injected into the middle. You'd slip them into the end of an unlit cigar and then replace it in the stogie-sucking stooge's supply. Once lit, it was only a matter of time before the ember hit the grains of gunpowder and the whole thing popped, scaring the crap out of the smoker, and anyone else in the vicinity.

Chris was good at this. Jewel's cigars were usually in his coat pocket, and she'd slowly and silently, from the back seat, reach into his pocket, snitch a cigar, insert the load, slip it back, and then without a beat, notify the occupants that there was a Florida plate passing us so scratch it off the list.

The first load went off at the next fuel stop. Jewel had stepped out to take a leak and lit a cigar, then proceeded to puff as he walked to the Men's Room. Chris and I went too, pretending we also needed to go but were really there to see if this was the cigar with the load. I followed Jewel, quickly pretended to pee, and then left only to find my sister standing right outside the door listening in. And then it happened. BLAM.


My sister and I looked at each other and our eyes and smiles grew wide. We wanted to laugh at the top of our lungs but we were right outside the door of the Men's Room and didn't want Jewel to hear us so we covered our mouths and took off running. After about 100 yards and on the other side of the building, we fell to the ground holding our sides and roared. After about a minute we attempted to gain our composure and headed back to the car.

"I don't know what the hell happened. Musta been something wrong with that cigar. Never had one pop on me before. Maybe the tobacca wasn't all the way dry. Damndest thing..." he was telling our grandmother when we arrived.

Two nights later she tried it again. This time at our campsite. She'd snuck into their tent and slipped one into one of his cigars by his sleeping bag. We weren't actually there to witness this one's pop. We were fishing. Well, technically Chris was fishing. I was throwing rocks in the little pond by the campsite.

"What's that on the water over there?" she asked, pointing to a zig zag little wave moving our way.

"Can't tell."

Then the pole bent.

"I got one. I think I got a fish."

"Well reel it in."

"I'm trying."

"Pull your pole back while you do it. That's what Dad does."

"That wave's still coming."

"Yeah, I see. Keep reeling."

"I almost got it. Wait, look at that wave. It's not a wave. It's a snake!"

"No, it's not. You're just trying to scare me."

"I think it is. And it's heading right for us."

"Are you sure? I'm pretty sure snakes can't swim."

"You know what kind of snake CAN swim? Water Moccasin."

We both looked at each other, looked at the snake growing larger as it approached, again at each other, turned, and ran screaming, "SNAKE! KILLER SNAKE! POISON KILLER SNAKE!"

If we weren't screaming we might have heard the second load explode. By the time we arrived at camp, all we could enjoy was the aftermath. Approaching the tents we found them both sitting in their lawn chairs holding PBRs, but with Jewel's face covered in specs of tobacco.

"What the hell are you kids screaming about?"

"There was a Water Moccasin in the pond and it was trying to kill us."

"Were you on shore? Just leave it alone. It'll go away. Stay away from it. Why were you at the pond anyway?"

"I was fishin'" Chris explained showing them the pole, whose reel clicked as she thrust it forward to show them.

"What's it caught on?"

Then we all looked back following the line to the dirt and debris covered, stick-in-the-eye, twig in the mouth, fin missing, little sunfish still on the end of her line.

"Oh, man" my sister moaned, "I wanted to eat that."

"It's still good," Jewel said, still splattered with tobacco, as he pulled the hook from its mouth and proceeded to clean, fry and eat the paltry little meal, just to prove a point.

Three days later came the next. This time in Virginia, while on a tour of historic Monticello. It was on the tour of the gardens where you were allowed to light one up back then. BAM! The whole tour jumped a bit, but this time my sister and I couldn't hide it and began to laugh. He looked like Elmer Fudd after his rifle exploded in his face, soot covering everything but the circles around his eyes. She'd used three.

Unfortunately, our laughter betrayed us, revealing that this was all our doing. Well, technically Chris's doing. That was why on July 2nd, 1976, my grandmother marched us both off that sacred and historic site, back into the little Chevy, and drove us over thirty hours straight back to our parents, delivering us at 4 am on the morning of the 4th.

But Chris had the last laugh. She took the remaining 10 loads and put them all in one cigar. Apparently, he lit it in the hallway outside their apartment as they were unlocking the door to get in. They later told our parents that a neighbor immediately called the police thinking someone had been shot.
posted by Stanczyk at 4:53 PM on June 15, 2017 [5 favorites]

I have a lifelong liking for ribald Irish humor, preferably that which pokes at organized, or disorganized, religion. At the moment, because of the thing we cannot talk about on here, there's an upsurge of it which is also bringing back some memories of similar situations in the Outer Hebrides when I lived there.

Examples of things I like are, with varying degrees of NSFW: (some links may not work because of your region so hey just google)
- Dara Ó Briain
- Father Ted
- Dave Allen
- The Rubberbands
- Sharon Horgan in Pulling
- Dylan Moran

+ + + + +

Not much has happened in my world recently. Decent weather, long walks, and apart from waking up one day to find a very confused naked couple in my kitchen searching the cutlery drawer, no incidents. And that's just fine. Recent walks have taken me to some pretty local villages, including one with an interesting entrance to one house, and the kind of cottages that used to appear on the front of jigsaw boxes (if you are under about 30, please ask a senior what a jigsaw is - perhaps think of it like an analog Tetris, but with no time pressure). As ever, there's been several nice rural sunsets, plus some thatching.

As I seem to a few times a week, I end up at a university campus some two hours away from here. I love this place; it's rural, has sleek modern architecture, has lovely landscapes and lots of trees. It also has a research brewery and, of course, a library.

It isn't very typical of UK university campuses due to the rural nature of the place, and the size (it's a satellite campus and quite small). But it suddenly struck me a few weeks ago that a large part of why I liked the place is that it uncannily reminded of Grinnell University, right out there in the middle of Iowa. A place where I spend two happy summers ambling around and doing - not very much, but just imbibing the academic nature of the place, using those facilities - especially the library - available to the public, and going to lots of events. And eating.

There's a few differences - the Grinnell campus has a rail line cutting right through the middle, and the UK one doesn't (though trains run nearby). The sports facilities in Grinnell are pretty awesome, and that campus even has an observatory, but this one doesn't (though it has the aforementioned brewery). But, there's many similarities; it feels liberal, the landscape and buildings are oddly similar, there's lots of somewhat managed nature, it never feels crowded, the food is great in both of them, they have nice towns nearby, and they both feel like safe, progressive, places where networks are built, thoughts are encouraged, and knowledge is generated and rediscovered. I miss Grinnell, and Grinnell University, and Iowa, a lot; for now, just for a while longer, this place here fills some of those needs.
posted by Wordshore at 4:46 PM on June 16, 2017 [4 favorites]

... apart from waking up one day to find a very confused naked couple in my kitchen searching the cutlery drawer, no incidents.

How casually you just toss that out there. No drama here, just a pair of en dishabille trespassers toying with my knives - a mere trifle, a moment's diversion, hardly even worth even mentioning. Oh but let me tell you about my latest ramble, now there's a riveting topic!

After the cheese incident nothing can faze you, apparently.
posted by Greg_Ace at 6:58 PM on June 16, 2017 [5 favorites]

Oh, Wordshore! I love Dave Allen and haven't seen him in decades. Thank you so much for posting the link; my evening will be spent looking for more. His show was broadcast on PBS (probably?) in the late 70s, I think when i was a pre-teen, and I thought he was so funny, and handsome, and sophisticated. And growing up in a Jewish but pretty un-religious home, I realize now his jokes and stories about religion and athiesm had a very big impact on me. I'm not much of a drinker anymore but I have a little bottle of whiskey for a recipe I never made, and I think tonight I'm going to enjoy it along with more Dave Allen.
posted by Room 641-A at 7:30 PM on June 16, 2017

waking up one day to find a very confused naked couple in my kitchen searching the cutlery drawer

You should never have gone public with that cheese story. I feel there's a connection you're not telling us...
posted by Namlit at 3:48 AM on June 17, 2017

If anyone can provide the link again...: There was this leeeeengthy youtube sequence here once, of an old dude telling a story of how someone tried to collapse an old (apparently still full) septic tank using dynamite.namlit

Here you go: Jimmy Ferris, of Spur, TX.
posted by letourneau at 9:19 AM on June 17, 2017 [1 favorite]

Ah now I can rest in pieces
posted by Namlit at 11:12 AM on June 17, 2017

...just a pair of en dishabille trespassers toying with my knives...

In fairness, as that perhaps seemed a bit weird, they were looking for a corkscrew to open a bottle of wine.
posted by Wordshore at 7:12 AM on June 18, 2017 [2 favorites]

Found this today and I can't stop laughing.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 3:57 PM on June 20, 2017 [7 favorites]

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