Metatalktail Hour: Hilarity! August 25, 2018 7:25 PM   Subscribe

Good Saturday evening, MetaFilter! This week, I'm on an airplane getting ready to take off, so tell me hilarious stories (the ones where you giggle so hard you have trouble telling them) to read when I land at 2 a.m.!

As always this is a conversation starter, not limiter, so talk about anything on your mind except politics!
posted by Eyebrows McGee (staff) to MetaFilter-Related at 7:25 PM (89 comments total) 7 users marked this as a favorite

I was in San Francisco for a short two day visit for my nephew's baptism, where I stood as godmother. Since Mini McGee starts school Monday, I really wanted to be home Sunday to deal with all of that! Hence, after dinner flight landing at ORD at 2 a.m. (The small McGees stayed home with Dad.)
posted by Eyebrows McGee (staff) at 7:28 PM on August 25, 2018 [2 favorites]

Why did the mansplainer drown in the puddle?

It was a well, actually.
posted by kinsey at 8:18 PM on August 25, 2018 [115 favorites]

Why is the barn so noisy?
Because the cows have horns!

RIP boiling water. You shall be mist.

Have you heard about the new restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.

Its been a busy week for me. School starts next week and I just took a look at my syllabus for my last ever undergraduate class and what was supposed to be an easy cultural anthropology class just dropped the words "phenomenology" and "altered states" on me so this should be a fun ride. Taking a few side eyes at the two dispensaries literally blocks from me... I mean it *is* legal now... and it would be class appropriate...

I've been cleaning up the house and garden, getting tasks done that I might not have time for. Because even though its only one class... I have a job interview Monday! Its my first as an adult which is... thrilling and depressing in equal measures. I've been disabled for so long and to be able to work... well. I'm anxious of course but I'm also putting my determination pants on. It's also a job at the local vet that I can literally walk to- which would save a ton on transit.

My garden had a visitor this week- Either Veronica the Vole or Gretta the Gopher. Dog licked its head instead of eating it so yay dog for not doing something that would end up in the vets office. "SO glad you liked my resume, BTW my dog ate a rodent". It looks like now 4/6 peppers are producing which makes me a happy camper- even if I do have strong feelings about the weather. But screw the weather- My three tomatoes are almost ripe ah sungolds. The great thing about the tomatoes is that there *is* new growth- like a lot of it, and by trimming the sort of rott-y bits off, I might have saved the plant. We had a day of cloudy but 70 degree weather so I just have to cross my fingers and toes that I actually get more than three cherry tomatoes. My new greenhouse is up a metal bench with a plastic cover lol, but it works, its at least 10-20 degrees hotter in there. I'm hoping for spinach, romaine and swiss chard seedlings. I had to tear down the beans but they gave me so many green beans, so I'm pretty ok with that. my guardians are out in full force so the aphids are in retreat. Even with all the bees, the silly bee-eater has thankfully not eaten any of them. "SO glad you like my resume, BTW my dog ate a bee."

I have 33 posts up on my blog and I am just flabbergasted. Prior to joining metafilter I would never have had the courage to do something like this, and my garden is looking better than ever. Weather aside, I can think of all the great things I'm going to grow in the cool fall and winter, and projects in the back. I might even re-paint/stain the sad old bench back there, and I'll probably ask for advice on askme on exactly how to go about it.

I'm someone who used to have trouble getting up in the morning (sometimes still do) and for once in all my 29 years I have things to look forward to. I'm going to be graduating! (thanks to all the wonderful cards I got in the card club BTW) I'm going to be working! I have a wonderful garden! I'm not a complete mess! I started painting again! I can't wait for the e-mail from fig telling me who to send cards to!

I think this is what being a semi-competent hominid must feel like. It's very nice.
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 8:53 PM on August 25, 2018 [27 favorites]

One of my favorite (it’s kinda gross sorry) stories is about my grandmother, who could be salty af when she was in the right mood.

When she was in hospital towards the end she was given a suppository by a nursing student who apparently didn’t um, get the anatomy quite right. My grandmother responded to this by saying “well that’s not the right place honey, but thanks for the thrill.”

I lolled.
posted by supercrayon at 9:00 PM on August 25, 2018 [47 favorites]

In other news I retired my old bag with full honors including a 21 gun salute and a tearful rendition of Goodbye England’s Rose. I replaced it with this beauty which I’m hoping will be as durable as the last. However a black bag screams for a pin of some kind so after careful consideration I went with I’m a slayer, ask me how.

In life news I found out after all our striking and negotiations and whatnot that our nursing union is dysfunctional and toxic as fuck and I’m now spearheading a movement to reform it. It’s dispiriting work at times but hopefully it will pay dividends. But it’s also incredibly time consuming and I’m a bit resentful it needs to be done at all.

I also started my new job in intensive care. I’m really enjoying it so far, a lovely team of people to work with and lots to learn. Sad though too, lots of deaths as you would imagine. Sometimes the weight of each individual human life and all it’s loves and opportunities is so immense, and it’s humbling to be with people in that space.

And my bub is in daycare and doing well! Apart from getting sick her first week and then thoughtfully sharing it with me and my husband. But I am missing her and looking forward to the weeks when I’m only working three shifts so I can keep her home with me a couple days a week. She’s the proud owner of four teeth now, is crawling and standing, and chirpily making mamamababababa sounds.
posted by supercrayon at 9:15 PM on August 25, 2018 [16 favorites]

Retelling hilarious stories has never entirely been my forte, so I'm going to take a pass on that part of this. But in other news, a week ago I walked without assistive devices for the first time since my ankle fracture and surgery (and went to my first estate sale since then, too). Then in the past day, I began walking without the boot for the first time. My orthopedist was a bit put out that I hadn't begun walking without the boot sooner, and suggested I was walking like a "sailor with a peg leg," then sent me to get signed up with the serious sports-medicine physical therapists. To which I said, bring it on! Then I went home and laced up my new Jordans, a gift to myself for starting to walk again.

But yeah, that's what's up over here. If anyone's bored and knows how to read tarot, please help me interpret this reading! I feel like I keep reading the same narratives into the cards, and it would be useful to get an independent gut check on that.
posted by limeonaire at 9:54 PM on August 25, 2018 [6 favorites]

I've posted this on Facebook but it cracks me up every time I think of it...

I had just got back from out of town; I'm talking with my four-year old daughter.

DD: Why were you gone?
Me: To visit uncle [brother]. He is very sick. [he got better]
DD: Were there machines? (She must've heard something about this from [wife])
Me: Yes, there are many machines that are helping [brother]'s body.
DD: What DON'T the machines do?
Me: They don't help [brother]'s feelings. That's why it's good for people to visit him. That helps his feelings.
DD: (climbing onto my lap) Everybody needs love.
DD: And water. And oxygen.
DD: And certain parts of your face, like your forehead.
posted by a snickering nuthatch at 10:49 PM on August 25, 2018 [105 favorites]

I'm visiting my folks back in Seattle this week, and my brother reminded me of something I did when I was about 5.

The "Rolls Royce" grey poupon ads had recently achieved peak cultural cachet. My older siblings thought it was REALLY funny to roll down the window at stoplights and ask other cars' drivers and passengers if they had any grey poupon. Fake British accent, posh mannerisms, the whole thing.

At 5, I knew only that grey poupon represented the height of luxury and class--but I wanted to make the joke my own. So I racked my brain, trying to think of other markers of taste and refinement. And so it was that I rolled my window down and shouted thus: "HEY BUB. HOW ABOUT SOME SUGAR AND CONFETTI?"
posted by duffell at 10:57 PM on August 25, 2018 [71 favorites]

For some reason, few things make me laugh harder than a good autocorrect. I used to spend HOURS giggling at the Damn You Autocorrect website. I've had a good bunch, but the one that comes most immediately to mind is that my mom asked what I was making for dinner. "Salmon and apartheid." (Actually asparagus)

This conference is wrapping up - I fly home tomorrow. It's been an interesting conference punctuated by some weird bits. Today, I think we're going to go to the National Museum of Kenya where I have a sleazy acquaintance who works in the hominin vault. I'll take getting sleazed at if it means I can go visit Nariokotome Boy in the fossil.

How sleazy is he, you ask? Well, when I was an undergrad, he was a graduate student of my (wonderful, but clueless) advisor. There was a conference in Chicago that we were all going to, and another young woman undergrad and I were sharing a room. Our advisor asked if the grad student could share the room with us as well. We didn't want to say no (though we really shouldn't have been asked in the first place, so inappropriate!!), and we assumed there would be two beds, so we reluctantly agreed. Turns out there were not two beds. Anyways, we worked out a rotation where Katie and I would share the bed and this guy would get the floor one night, and we would switch the next night. Well, she went out to visit a friend as I was getting ready for bed, and this guy told me if I wanted to it would be fine for me to sleep on the bed with him. He wouldn't do anything. He wouldn't touch me, he could control himself though he'd been away from his wife for four months. He wouldn't be like a snake in the night...
posted by ChuraChura at 11:00 PM on August 25, 2018 [8 favorites]

Hmmmm. I have an affinity for Irish humour, especially religious anecdotes, but the first three stories I think of are all Dave Allen ones and are unsuitable for MetaFilter for one reason or another. {Sigh} Alternately, the joke I have laughed hardest at was the first time I saw the cows one, which just about everyone else has, in Father Ted. I quite like the now old routine by Dara about mixed marriages and The Lords Prayer, so that's a good fallback, especially for any Catholics and Protestants out there, trespassing.

+ + + + +

This feels like the end of summer and, indeed, it is the last weekend of August. The nights are rapidly drawing in, the heatwaves have been replaced by cooling winds and wetter days, and combine harvesters, tractors and trailers continue to agitate impatient drivers in the country lanes of rural England. Yesterday was the first evening with a bit of a nip in the air, so the fire was briefly on - cue the annual "What's that funny smell? Oh, it's the dust burning as the fire hasn't been on for half a year" conversation. I've also put up the first two string of colorful yuletide lights because, heck, why not? Next weekend, the autumn village shows and fetes start in earnest around here anyway, and foods such as Christmas mince pies (with a "Best Before" date of this October) will be in the supermarkets.

Now is also the time of year to tie up loose ends. Finally, my MetaFilter profile is in a state where I'll hopefully not frustratingly fiddle around with it again in a long while. One of my summer projects was to read everything I've written on this site, which was a ... mixed ... experience. And confirmed my suspicion that if my content from the first two years plus was corrupted or deleted, it would be no loss at all to MetaFilter.

I've also finished tinkering with my Flickr archive, which involved deleting several hundred pictures, reorganising the rest, and adding some metadata. Finally. Because I'm the world's worst information scientist. One of the by-products was creating an album of personal favourite pictures. Nothing high quality or spectacular - I'm not a photographer, and only use cheap cameras or a smartphone. The entire archive is a still-growing reminder to myself of places lived and visited over the last 15 years or so. And also, the vast array of cake and cheeses encountered.

Speaking of cake, the last of the 238 pieces have gone. Some eaten, much given away, some donated to a food bank which doesn't mind taking random cake in tupperware, and some ending up on a stand to raise money for building a "Lifesized Wickerman". The answer to the AskMeFi question was, therefore: less than two months.

Also speaking of cake: today found me in a village some two hours walk from here. Like last week, there was Victoria Sponge Cake though this week the filling was just raspberry jam. It's my main observation of this summer that the filling of choice, in Victoria Sponge Cakes across rural England, is raspberry jam and not the more traditional strawberry jam. Hmmm. I wonder if there's a paper to be written on this, somehow.

To burn off the [redacted] slices of cake, a meandering walk back to base followed. This took in various harvested fields, a very disappointing* village event attended for less than five minutes, a wedding in a marquee, a wood which annoyingly contained people dogging so all the wildlife was scared off (seriously, I know modern English dwellings are ridiculously small and uncomfortable, but does no-one on this island have sex indoors any more?!), a thermos flask of tea enjoyed while sitting on a drystone wall, and more fields of pleasant walking.

Also speaking of cake, other cakes recently encountered include some very nice fruit cake, a substantial caramel and chocolate cake, a blackberry jam sponge cake, and a spectacular chocolate and walnut cake that I almost buried my face in, it was so good.

Uh, not wanting to get a reputation for cake, here's some recent cheese. Enjoy the last rays of summer, and eat something enjoyable!

* 'Disappointing' translates as 'either no tea, or no cake' and 'very disappointing' translates as 'no tea or cake at all'.

+ + + + +

Ah, what the heck, no-one reads this far down the comments - Dave Allen doing a few religious jokes.
posted by Wordshore at 12:35 AM on August 26, 2018 [23 favorites]

As far as funny stories go, you really can't go past this Metafilter post. This is still making me cackle like a loon.
posted by ninazer0 at 1:20 AM on August 26, 2018 [14 favorites]

This may not be hilarious to anyone not in my specific profession, but...there's a commercial software tool we use at work, to check on various translation issues (I'll omit the name to avoid product placement, but glad to fill it in if anyone is curious, or you can google). I happened to look at the FAQ page one day and found the following:
Q: Does [tool name] support Klingon?
A: HIja' (Yes), Klingon speakers can now scan their bilingual files for the intrusion of filthy Romulan characters and also purge them from alphanumerical Borg-isms. Viewing Klingon characters is possible if you install the un-cloaking font Code2000. Klingon is represented by the mighty language code TLH.

In other news, it's still so hot. Yesterday we took a drive up to Lake Biwa and went up a ropeway on one of the mountains around the lake, and it was about 10 degrees cooler at the top. Never mind the gorgeous view (human habitation in charming miniature, lake and islands and mountains all melding exquisitely into a soft blue fantasy), my husband and I looked at each other as we stepped off the ropeway and said "Okay, we are just going to settle down here until winter."

My mind is still kind of in a mess over all kinds of important life issues, requiring mental traffic control, but it could be worse. In another week it's September and I've promised myself to start running again (just 15-20 minutes a day...) and am looking forward to its various beneficial effects, even though it's going to kill me for the first day or two.
posted by huimangm at 4:00 AM on August 26, 2018 [4 favorites]

My 3-year-old grandson was apprehensive as we walked home from the playground last evening. Turned out he was worried about trolls. I insisted there were no trolls in Sweden. He strongly disagreed. Then he asked me if there were trolls at an area we were passing, and I declared the entire neighborhood was a troll-free zone. He continued to hold my hand tightly nonetheless and explained how you deal with trolls: You run very fast to get your Nerf gun, then you shoot the trolls with it.

Today I watched the first episode of Disenchantment on Netflix, a new Matt Groening series. I won't pretend it is groundbreaking but parts of it made me laugh and that is good enough for me. My favourite joke is about the elderly couple getting divorced; when the judge asks them why, they say, "Your honour, we wanted to wait until the children were dead."

Eyebrows, how did the christening gown that you stitched go over? I am sure it was lovely and that you are a wonderful godparent as well as parent.
posted by Bella Donna at 4:01 AM on August 26, 2018 [6 favorites]

So this is just very very stupid, but as a German speaker, everytime I hear the commercial for ‚WIX dot com‘, I start giggling (the name is a slang term for masturbation in German).
posted by The Toad at 4:55 AM on August 26, 2018 [8 favorites]

Sheepdog: Okay boss, all 30 of your sheep are here.
Farmer: But I only have 26 sheep!
Sheepdog: I rounded them up.
posted by moonmilk at 5:07 AM on August 26, 2018 [50 favorites]

I was at the bayfront last night walking the loop around the lake. As I was approaching the parking lot a family (a mom and a boy about 10 years old) passed me walking in the other direction. I include this detail because it meant that their walk was just starting. It quickly became apparent that it was not going well for the kid. All you could hear until they were out of earshot was some variation of this: "WHAT IF THERE ARE TICKS!? I KEEP GETTING BITTEN! THIS IS AWFUL CAN WE TURN AROUND I CAN FEEL THEM CRAWLING ON ME"

Please note here that this is a paved path in a public park and while it does include trees and plants there is no tall grass in which ticks usually hide.

The mom was super neutral about his kvetching and said something like "Huh, I don't feel any bugs. Isn't it a beautiful day?"

"What if there are ticks?!" is going to be my excuse for everything from now on.
posted by janepanic at 6:14 AM on August 26, 2018 [14 favorites]

Q: When does a joke become a dad joke?

A: When it becomes apparent.
posted by COD at 6:48 AM on August 26, 2018 [20 favorites]

So this is just very very stupid, but as a German speaker, everytime I hear the commercial for ‚WIX dot com‘, I start giggling (the name is a slang term for masturbation in German).

See also: every Swede ever who sets foot in Germany and photographs a Powered by PORR sign.

Because porr means porn in Swedish and it was hilarious the first hundred times.
posted by Vesihiisi at 6:56 AM on August 26, 2018 [9 favorites]

When my daughter was maybe 3 or 4 we were hanging out with my sister, who offered her some vegetable chips - like potato chips, but made of beet, sweet potato, etc. My sister told her they were very good and my daughter took one and as she started chewing it, you could see the look of disgust appearing on her face. But she doggedly chewed it up and swallowed it and didn't say anything. When my sister asked her how she liked those chips she politely said, "They're very good, but I don't like things that are very good."

When my son was 2, he got out of the bath one evening and complained, "I'm hot and cold and bored and hungry."
posted by Redstart at 7:31 AM on August 26, 2018 [32 favorites]

On a flight when we were children, my sister (5) and I (8) were seated with a perfectly lovely stranger, who helped calm my baby sister's fears but, alas, not her stomach. My sister was in the middle seat, and chose to lose her lunch all over me and my lucky shirt because, as she told me years later, "I couldn't puke on the nice lady, and I knew you'd have to love me after that." Lucky shirt is long gone now, but I still remember the look on her face and I still love her anyway.
posted by MonkeyToes at 7:31 AM on August 26, 2018 [30 favorites]

I am the Safety Manager at my company. My boss is the IT manager ( he does other things too, IT is just under his umbrella). I had a meeting with him a few weeks ago. I walked in, and he was reviewing security camera footage with HR, looking for evidence of a juicy situation that they wanted to fire someone for. He asked if I wanted to stick around (heck yeah!!) to watch for any "safety issues". Apparently, in a similar situation they saw someone climbing up the storage racks about 8 ft up, no fall protection or anything.

So we're watching, and I point out "hey, that person looks like they're carrying a heavy box -- I wonder how far they're going. They should really use a cart for this.". My boss pans and zooms, and..... The person is me. Riotous laughter ensues.
posted by Fig at 7:40 AM on August 26, 2018 [19 favorites]

At the ripe age of 15-ish, one of my kids was in BIG trouble (for reasons I no longer remember) and I had informed him that we would be sitting down to discuss it once his dad was home. Then I emailed my husband (at work) to give him a heads up about whatever the kid had done and we exchanged a brief flurry of emails about how we wanted to handle it. The kid went up to his room.

An hour later, my husband is home - so he and I are sitting at the kitchen table and we call the kid to come down from his room for the very serious conversation. The kid walks in with his face entirely painted like one of the Insane Clown Posse dudes. Like, his ENTIRE face. With markers. It was apparent that he hoped to distract us with this.

For a brief moment, we all just stared at each other.

And then, unflinchingly, we began to discuss whatever the kid had done. At no point did we acknowledge the fact that he had painted his face. Just: here's the thing you shouldn't have done, here's the consequence, conversation over. Kid walked away.

Afterwards, my husband whispered, "Why the hell didn't you tell me that he had done that? I almost burst into laughter." and I whispered, "I didn't know! He did it after he went up to his room!!" and then we both dissolved into giggles. Because kids are ridiculous. It STILL makes me laugh when I think about it.
posted by VioletU at 7:54 AM on August 26, 2018 [66 favorites]

I grew up in a Catholic family and my mother was in the church choir. She used to take me to the choir balcony and i watched proceedings from there.
After communion, the priest returns the crumbs of the hosts from the serving dish into the communion chalice and drinks up any left over wine.
Then he wipes the chalice with a kind of cloth napkin before returning it to the sacramental cabinet. This is point in mass when the participants sit quietly and are supposed to reflect on the sacrament they just partook in.

One day when about three i must have been exceedingly bored, as my mother told me i turned around to the choir and, in the clear and loud three year old voice announced into the reverend silency, amplified by the vantage point of the choir balcony: Mutti, er wäscht schon ab, also ist er gleich fertig dann gehen wir! Mama, he (the priest) is doing the dishes so its finished soon and we go home!
posted by 15L06 at 8:05 AM on August 26, 2018 [20 favorites]

We are a story telling clan - this was so apparent last night, when we were introducing a new friend to the group and I realized the sheer level of backstory involved in meeting people who've known each other for years - and much of it is legit roll on the floor laughing, but it's hard to come up with something that translates well in writing. I'll be back if I think of something.

In the meantime, though, hopefully this provokes a chuckle, prompted by a friend on Facebook, who asked what our weirdest thing we've ever done for money is:

So, it is 1990-something. 1996 or 1997? I am working as a theater tech at the on-campus theater - not the theatrical one, but the one campus groups can rent for acapella shows and stuff; occasionally we’d get a big deal thing (Cracker played once - that’s a whole other story).

I never got past the lowest level of tech - I learned how to run the light board when we weren’t doing anything complicated, and I could run the follow spot, but that was about it. For an engineering major, I had an appalling lack of aptitude for this kind of stuff. So I ended up on deck a lot, which was fine - I was happy enough being downstairs and making sure the place wasn’t burning down.

One night, we are hosting the Ebony Man Contest. Things are going well… until I get a call on the headset. One gentleman’s talent was air-brushing (it was the 90s), and he’d forgotten to ask for us to requisition an easel.

So myself and the other guy on deck played the role of human easel while he painted his way through the talent portion of the competition. It took days to get off the paint that missed the easel and hit me.


Also, not mine, but a friend of a friend and ridiculously funny: Dogs and Sweet Potatoes.
posted by joycehealy at 8:17 AM on August 26, 2018 [10 favorites]

My sister is 9 or 10 and it's mid 90s (thinking 1995 or 1997?), the Tamagotchi personal digital pet/assistant is all the rage. It's my sister's birthday. All she wants is Tamagotchi and like clockwork all of her friends managed to get their parents to gift them to my sister. My sister scores big and ends up with I think about 5 of them.

The party has ended, it's later in the evening and I'm in my room just cleaning up and I hear this scream. We both have rooms connected by a shared bathroom, so I run to the bathroom and the door is closed and I ask if everything is alright. The door opens and my sister is frantic and in tears. I'm looking to see if she cut herself or something like that.
Sister: “They're gone!”
Fizz: “What's gone? What are you talking about, are you ok?”
Sister: “I was using the bathroom and I flushed and I dropped two of my Tamagotchi in the toilet, they're gone!?!? What do we do?”
Sister: *angry upset face with tears*
I still think about this every year her birthday rolls around. It makes me laugh.
posted by Fizz at 8:47 AM on August 26, 2018 [9 favorites]

Just realised the link a virtual tour of the church got lost. Back then the choir was up in the organ balcony, this being in the late sixties. These days the children get sit up front, but not in 1968.
posted by 15L06 at 8:48 AM on August 26, 2018

Also, the story about my sister and the Maraschino Cherries incident. I've shared this in another thread previously but it's so much fun, I'll share again.


When my sister was 11 we were at a Christmas party and they happened to have a plate full of Maraschino Cherries. My sister loves these cherries. And she was downing them for most of the night. At a certain point she started getting really loud and really mouthy to random people, specifically my parents. At which point the host noticed my sister holding a cup with a couple of cherries in it.
Host: “ many of those has Missy had?”
*My parents question my sister.*
Sister: “I don't know, 20-25, why?”
Host: “Those are called 'cherry bombs', we soaked them in vodka over night.”
My sister was drunk out of her stupid mind. I thought it was the funniest shit ever. My parents not so much (they've softened on it now and it's a fun story we like to recall every Christmas holiday).

posted by Fizz at 8:49 AM on August 26, 2018 [35 favorites]

Actually, I do have a funny from just last night. So we were having a small party last night, and we were playing Kings, as we do. One of my friends is non-binary, so we got to '5 is guys' and they're like, hehe, not me today. Then we got to '6 is chicks' and again, hehe, not me today. Oh, allright, we can fix this. :)

So the new person to the group, a dude, draws an 8 (8 is mate), and promptly picks my friend. So now they're drinking every time guys drink. Then I (female) draw an 8... and pick my friend. So now they're mated with a chick and a guy, and once it sunk in what happened, their reaction was a decided "Damn you people."

(I have got to find another drink for parties, though, you can only drink so much La Croix. At least I'm aggressively hydrated now.)
posted by joycehealy at 9:25 AM on August 26, 2018 [2 favorites]

Q: How many Men's Rights Activists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: (interrupting) ...well, not ALL of them.

In personal news I'm still rightfully pretty shell shocked and wounded by the emotional trauma of the community space closing (if temporarily) and our rented house is now apparently under contract. I'm adapting and getting over the closing and reminding myself I knew the housing was already temporary, and wasn't expecting it to be this not-temporary anyway.

Since I have no idea what's going on or where I'm going to end up in the next month to three months, over the last week I went whole hog on bike maintenance and camping gear upgrades and repair. I find the practice itself engaging and calming, but it's also has a useful end result in both being prepared and feeling a lot more secure.

I've done stuff like wash tarps and down sleeping bags. I recoated my nylon tarp with silicone sealant, replaced the corner tab bungies, did some sewing. I built a really tiny stove, easily the lightest, most efficient one I've made yet. (How does a weight savings factor of 2-3x over Isobutane sound w/ fuel? It might push 4x over time. Fuel cost is less per BTU, too.)

I also have nearly completely rebuilt my bike by hand by myself from the ground up. I did almost all of it in a single day at the bike co-op and got some killer deals on new parts, and even earned props from the master mechanic on being able to get all of it done in a single day solo. (I did all my homework two days before I even went to the shop.)

One way or another I'm probably going to end up on land or outdoors this year, and if I can do that part right I'm actually looking forward to it. If it happens it'll be much farther outside of town, too, which means much more biking to get things done or be social.

So, it's weird. Internally I'm like panicking and uncomfortable and feeling like I've gone on a manic spending spree, but my friends are somewhat like "Woah, nice response to crisis. I'd just lose my shit." which... ok, maybe my response is actually pretty ok and not irrational.

I mean I love my bike and it's a good investment in my health, and I can't really go wrong with having my camping gear all nicely sorted and ready to go, since I still technically live in it and use it as my home anyway.

SO. All that being said, amidst all this chaos a window of opportunity has opened for me to finally go bike the Olympic Discovery Trail, which is currently about 100+ miles of nearly contiguous multiuse bike path through some of the lushest parts of the Olympic Peninsula, and yeah, you should maybe be super jealous because this is probably going to be FUCKING AMAZING.

I have never really seen these things. I've been out to Sequim. I was in Port Angeles for, oh, an hour one day helping friends pick up a table. I'm going to bike myself right into the Olympic Forest to see it with my own eyes, at my own pace, solo. I've mentally been out there on the road for a week already and I just start trembling like a junkie when I start talking about it now.

My toes just start curling and I can feel the pedals and my brand new chain going "om nom nom" on the gears like butter, and the catlike feeling of good tires on the road.

I may even try a segment of the epic off road Adventure Trail route, which I might not actually be able to handle on my bike and legs, but when someone says "Not suitable for road bikes!" I say "You haven't met my so-called road bike!" Because no srsly, I just put a new climbing-friendly cassette on it and I can practically climb walls now. And if horses can do it I can bike it.

I'm hopefully going all the way to La Push. I'm aiming for Second Beach. I intend to take it slow and easy, and bus around the crappier highways and road segments to cherry pick the best trail riding.

This may be my first actual, intentional solo vacation and actual intentional, not wind-blown adventure of my entire life. I need a break and I... kind of just hate people right now for no rational reason besides having had to meet and deal with too many people, and our town is just utterly overrun with tourists this year because our tourism board is going MAXIMUM EFFORT and they need to stop for fuck's sake.

And going to work/party at desert raves and festivals doesn't count. Being homeless and biking around with half an apartment's worth of crap doesn't count. Tagging along on someone else's road trip doesn't count. Sending myself all over the US to meet internet friends and/or long distance lovers definitely doesn't count and is even it's own particular brand and texture of stress and work and emotional labor.

I don't have a job, my "home" is basically already packed and ready to move, we're not moving for a while until this house finally sells, and hopefully we land on a new place outside of town. I just had my three month check in with my doc, I have plenty of spare prescription meds, a freshly tuned bike and set of camping gear, my health is great...

Let's do this! Let's get the fuck out of town and go hang in my hammock somewhere else!

So I'm heading out... I dunno, when do I finish packing? When does the smoke and haze clear out? Soooooon. Hopefully no later than Wed or Thursday morning, maybe sooner.
posted by loquacious at 10:58 AM on August 26, 2018 [16 favorites]

A clergy colleague told me this true church story:

He was leading Sunday worship in a church in Mississippi in the early 1980s. Back then, there was a brand of gum on the market called Freshen-Up, where the pieces of gum were filled with a sweet liquid that squirted a bit when you bit it.

At some point in the service, a mother gave a piece to a three-year-old who apparently had not ever had Freshen-Up before. She bit into it during the quietest part of the service and exclaimed in her thick, southern accent "MAW-MUH! THIS GUM DONE GONE PEE-PEE IN MY MOUTH!"
posted by 4ster at 11:16 AM on August 26, 2018 [8 favorites]

A joke only musicians might appreciate, but I heard it last night and dutifully stole it.

A man walks up to a piano player in a bar, and asks him if he takes requests. "Sure. What do you want to hear?"

"Can you play 'That's What You Are?'"

"Hmm, I don't know that one. Let me check in my book and see if the chart is there."

The man returns to the bar and sits down next to his wife, and the piano player starts looking through his arrangements for the song. A few minutes later, the man comes back to the piano and asks, "Well, do you think you can play it? 'That's What You Are' is such a wonderful song."

"You know, I looked through all my charts and I just don't have it. I can't think of how that one goes. Sorry!"

"It would be so wonderful if you could play it, though. It's a really special song for me and my wife, and it's our anniversary tonight."

"Well, maybe if you can hum a few bars, or sing some of the lyrics, that might jog my memory. It's worth a shot, right?"

"I can't sing very well, but I'll try. It goes like, Unforgettable—that's what you are...
posted by emelenjr at 11:27 AM on August 26, 2018 [3 favorites]

Just heard on a podcast: What do you call a fly after you pull the wings off of it? A walk.
posted by Stanczyk at 12:30 PM on August 26, 2018

Bon voyage, loquacious! Try not to endo on gravel.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 1:29 PM on August 26, 2018

This is funny in a 'if you knew my mum' kinda way.
Mum is on her death bed, she's in her mid 90s and has decided to do away with all life-preserving medication. Her mind is still bright and she's interested in the process ahead. She's been on fentanyl and endone for ages, and her GP has now prescribed morphine for the last few days. So she's lying there, she's stop eating and is only drinking a little bit of tea or water but she's still conscious albeit sleeping a lot. My sister picks up her hand and says, 'Mum, are you in any pain? You know, if you want more drugs, you only have to say the word.' Mum opens her eyes and they're glinting with humour as she says in a mock whisper: 'What's the word?!'
posted by Thella at 2:07 PM on August 26, 2018 [33 favorites]

Oh man, I just totally defucked an alignment issue on my derailleur that's been bugging me for like 2 years ever since I did a rare thing and let someone else rebuild my bike as a "treat" to myself because I was working too much and didn't have access to the tools, in which the bike shop that was supposed to be an authorized repair center for my bike brand somehow got a bunch of basic stuff wrong.

The thing I just descrewed was the alignment of my front derailleur on the frame with regards to throw and chain line and cross chain tolerance with the rear derailleur. We're talking like 1-2 mm of height and maybe a half a degree of rotation. If I did this right it means I finally get use of all of my gears across all three front cogs and 8 rear gears without any chain rub or weird glitches at all.

There was a bunch of other tiny details like the angle on my bottom bracket cups, as well as somehow the crank arm alignment wasn't exactly flat, like some miniature fraction of a degree not flat, so for every full pedal crank over the last few years on that shop-installed bottom bracket always felt off center and a bit weird, because the pedals were just minutely closer together on one side than the other, just enough to be annoying and not feeling right.

I also finally installed my rear fender which is normally a huge PITA but I figured out how to just strap it nicely to the inside of my cargo rack by cutting off all the attachment points and making my own.
posted by loquacious at 3:13 PM on August 26, 2018 [3 favorites]

"Eyebrows, how did the christening gown that you stitched go over?"

Really good! Five feet of dress for 2 1/2 feet of baby, which is about right! When people commented on the pretty gown and asked where they'd gotten it, and my sis was like, "My sister made it!" and everyone was like, "Oh my gosh, you made that?" Which is top marks for heirloom sewing, when everyone thinks it's storebought. :) I spent a lot of time locating the right Swiss embroidery to use as the key element to design the rest of the dress around, and found this cross pattern which looks similar to an Armenian cross and my sister's (very Armenian) mother-in-law was really pleased that I'd incorporated Armenian crosses and highlighted their heritage.

I also feel like they're the best gathered shoulders I've set so far, which is far and away the trickiest bit because a) they're gathered and b) baby armholes are teeeeeeeny and hard to work with. :D
posted by Eyebrows McGee (staff) at 4:21 PM on August 26, 2018 [15 favorites]

The "Rolls Royce" grey poupon ads had recently achieved peak cultural cachet.

Ever since I discovered the “but of course” guy was Ian Richardson of the UK House of Cards, those commercials are even funnier. I like to
Imagine he destroyed their political aspirations when they didn’t return his mustard.
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:24 PM on August 26, 2018 [3 favorites]

I strongly dislike thinkpieces and intellectualizing silly pop culture things, but Camila Cabello's Crying in the Club has got a hold on me like no other. I relate to it too much.

The first time I heard the song, I could only parse "ain't no crying in the club," which I immediately related to, because I thought it was about those moments when you're with your friends but you're so depressed you just want to lie down with a blanket and cry. And I meditated on the phrase "crying in the club" some more, and I thought it nicely captured the emotional and cultural zeitgeist of my peers--ennui, absurd aesthetics, posturing decadence, ineffectualizing fear.
The song is about none of these things. Ostensibly, the speaker is talking to someone who has just had a romantic heartbreak and is at the club to forget.

Okok this is where it gets literary and eye-roll-y. In the song, Cabello sings "Ain't no crying in the club/ I won't, I won't" (emphasis added). The speaker switches identities; she is both the songstress and the audience. (T.S. Eliot who??) I was very shocked at this lyrical move and thought of Fragment 1 by Sappho. To editorialize, Sappho is like "To be captured by eros and to yearn for its object is to feel like each year is a thousand, yet I know this will happen to me again and again whenever I find a new lover. Why do you do this to me, Aphrodite?" And Aphrodite says "lol." So there are two roles relevant to my analysis here: that of the immortal mind and that of the mortal mind. And Sappho, as the poet, occupies both, like some kind of FLARPer ventriloquist who is both the mage and the mage's familiar. I think this takes remarkable self-awareness.

I think the same sort of erotic self-awareness is in Crying in the Club. Like, it feels like my ex was The One, but I know she's not. Let me dance in the eternity that is the club. The song sounds like a summer bop, but it's ironic. Why the fuck else would I repeat "ain't no crying in the club" unless I am actually bawling my eyes out? "I won't [cry]," I mutter back, careful not to sniffle and give away that I'm crying. I sit up to go freshen myself up in the bathroom. As I stand up, the blood rushes to my head. I totter a few steps and upheave the Soylent I had for dinner. Ain't no crying in the club.
posted by typify at 6:27 PM on August 26, 2018 [12 favorites]

I drove myself to the grocery store today for the first time in 3 months and came home with all the most millennial shit: La Croix, craft beer, and a third ceramic jack-o-lantern for my front walk (before the end of August, even). This is what 3 months of unfettered Instagram time does to a person.
posted by limeonaire at 6:57 PM on August 26, 2018 [13 favorites]

My kids go back to school tomorrow. Yesterday I filled out the "about your child" form we got at "meet the teacher" day, with my seven-year-old daughter's help.

“Okay, T, what are your strengths?”
“Cartwheels, math, reading, being funny, soccer.”
“What is your weakness?”
“Mac and cheese.”
“What motivates you?”
“Mac and cheese.”
“Are there any holidays our family doesn’t observe?”
“Mac and cheese day.”
“I’m not writing that, T!”
“Well, we don’t!”
posted by Pater Aletheias at 9:09 PM on August 26, 2018 [43 favorites]

The Library of Congress revealed their new logo and I do not like it (short twitter thread). Fortunately, neither does anyone else. Which is a bummer because the Library of Congress has been on a tear lately unlike basically anything else going on at a national government level (this is not about politics!). The logo is designed to be... flexible, so you can put stuff inside it (like a treasure chest! like a bookshelf! man designerspeak is the worst). Bah.

So... I was sitting at home crabbing about this with other crabby internet people and realized there wasn't really anything I could do about this and just being crabby wasn't actually that great. There's a large online community of librarians on facebook which can sometimes have too much drama or too much snark, but this was just right for them. So we made a "blank" version of the logo and encouraged people to get creative. Which they did and it made me happy. And laugh. A lot.
posted by jessamyn (retired) at 6:28 AM on August 27, 2018 [7 favorites]

For a while there, I had a job with a 4 AM start time, which meant I left the house around 3:15 AM. One morning, I tiptoed into the bedroom to give my partner a kiss goodbye. She sits bolt upright in bed and demands, "KISS MY EYEBALLS."

Me: What?

So I comply, somewhat befuddled, and she flops down in bed and goes back to sleep. Next morning, same deal. "Bye, baby!" "KISS MY EYEBALLS," so I kiss her eyeballs and bugger off to work.

This goes on for a few more days, and then one night before going to bed, I ask her to kiss my eyeballs.

Her: What the fuck?
Me: Kiss my eyeballs!
Her: Your eyeballs?
Me: Yes? It's this thing that we do?

Reader, she had no memory of ever making that request.
posted by coppermoss at 6:53 AM on August 27, 2018 [34 favorites]

Our dog, who we adopted just under three years ago as a big ball of fear and anxiety, has been regularly showing more and more goofy behavior over the past year or so and it's been really nice to experience that. She's always enjoyed hiding from us as a game - once she calmed down and figured out the yard was a nice place to be, she dug a hole under a hydrangea and sits there until we come out to play hide and seek. We approach her, she darts out and races around the yard and then dives back in to her hole.

She really enjoys going out to the local parks for walks, but she hasn't been a huge fan of the heat and humidity all summer. She seems to get hot pretty easily and won't drink water we provide her for whatever reason. So, this summer we learned that despite showing a resolute aversion to water for the entire time she's been with us, she will voluntarily walk into a pond (or, more frequently, a mud puddle) if she's just too damn hot. If there's no water available, she'll find tall grass and dive into it. When we try to get her out of the grass, she'll army crawl deeper in to it so we can't pull her out.
posted by backseatpilot at 7:24 AM on August 27, 2018 [7 favorites]

This little exchange is one of my favourite Metafilter comments ever.
posted by The Card Cheat at 7:25 AM on August 27, 2018 [9 favorites]

Why did the mansplainer drown in the puddle?
It was a well, actually.

This reminds me of a recent small bit of metafilterish hilarity here. Earlier this summer, for reasons, I observed father's day with something other than an eyeroll and some grumbling about shitty consumerist holidays promoted by trade groups. I used it as an occasion to thank my wife & daughter for helping/requiring me to be an attentive father and ally. And to acknowledge and apologize for times I've been a know-it-all in particularly mansplainy ways (I'll cop to that, it's happened), I wanted to eat some words on a cake and also have enough to share. So I went to Carvel and got a Fudgie the Whale cake that said "Whale, actually" on it in icing script.

Maybe it was also a celebration of dad-jokes? Anyway, the logic was fuzzy but the Fudgie was lovely.
posted by miles per flower at 8:24 AM on August 27, 2018 [17 favorites]

Have you heard about the new restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.

One of my favorite jokes is to gleefully tee up this joke to someone who I'm pretty sure has heard it before - "Have you heard about the new restaurant on the moon?" And then when they sigh and say "nope, tell me about it," I switch to being super solemn and say "There was an explosive decompression. There were no survivors."
posted by showbiz_liz at 9:32 AM on August 27, 2018 [19 favorites]

There's a place near my apartment that serves a great brunch. Got the bottomless mimosas and we can bring the puppy and everything. It's also a car-themed joint since it used to be an auto shop until the owner bought it and converted it into a restaurant. It's got car stuff all over. The taps go through old V6s and the chains are still on the ceiling. They also have hubcaps all over the walls, and one day I told the manager they should start using them as plates for brunch.

Because there's no place like chrome for the hollandaise.
posted by East14thTaco at 9:55 AM on August 27, 2018 [22 favorites]

My two year old son has taken after his parents and become devoted to ice cream, to the point where for a while, even though his total vocabulary was, like, 20 words, he had two (2) separate terms for it, so actually, something like 20% of his known words were devoted to signalling:

1. Icy cream, for when it's fresh out of the freezer and delicious
2. Cold yogurt, for when it's melty and soft and delicious.

Apparently, on a recent trip to Ikea at the end of a long-ass day, his dad may or may not have purchased one of these Ikea princess cakes. He'd never had icing before, and when our kid had a bite, his eyes apparently got very wide, and he blurted out, in something like religious awe, "COLD YOGURT BREAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
posted by joyceanmachine at 10:12 AM on August 27, 2018 [23 favorites]

My landlord came over this weekend to fix my stove, and he brought his very young sons with him. I recently brought a few childhood toys up from my parents' house for this exact eventuality (child in apartment needs distracting), so I was excited and pleased to be putting them to use. I poured out my big bag of pattern blocks and handed them a couple of toy schoolbuses.

I guess I expected them to... you know... build things or make patterns with the blocks. What I did not expect, but probably should have, was that they would start zooming the buses through the pile of blocks in order to fling them at high speed across my entire living room, over and over and over. I sat and watched them in fascination while they utterly and completely and joyfully wrecked those blocks' shit.

Lesson learned. Next time, it's blocks OR buses.
posted by showbiz_liz at 10:18 AM on August 27, 2018 [5 favorites]

The ice cream/yoghurt story reminded me of the time my som learned to talk. His first words were mama, papa and ball. Everything remotely connected to dad was papa, eg a lamp or lightbulb, a ladder, as he had watched dad change a light bulb.
Anything round he called ball. Apples, actual balls, the sun, the moon. So one day he is playing in the living room while I am in the kitchen. He was about 18 months, and as we were potty training he was without diaper or pants. Suddenly I heard him call me mama mama ball! Very excited, so i assumed he found some round toy and called back wonderful you have a ball or similar inanity.
He kept calling ball, mama, ball. So i went to look and yes he had a ball: two nice round brown balls he had just produced and wanted to be praised for. He was truly disappointed that i flushed them down the toilet.
posted by 15L06 at 12:06 PM on August 27, 2018 [9 favorites]

MetaTalk: *angry upset face with tears*
posted by wenestvedt at 1:29 PM on August 27, 2018 [1 favorite]

a Fudgie the Whale cake that said "Whale, actually" on it in icing script

Er, actually it was print, not script (misremembered). Per request, here is a pic of the actual whale. I didn't ask them to make the whale look embarrassed and mad as hell but I'm glad they did anyway!
posted by miles per flower at 5:54 PM on August 27, 2018 [8 favorites]

she will voluntarily walk into a pond (or, more frequently, a mud puddle) if she's just too damn hot. If there's no water available, she'll find tall grass and dive into it.

This reminds me of the time we were taking a stroll around a big pond with my Pomeranian, Pumpkin. At one point he decided to dash off across a great green expanse of...floating duckweed.

Reader, a waterlogged Pomeranian is not buoyant.
posted by drlith at 6:36 PM on August 27, 2018 [8 favorites]

Bork-bork-borked link.
posted by drlith at 6:49 PM on August 27, 2018 [4 favorites]

drlith, I too had a Pomeranian deceived by duckweed! Luckily, he'd just had a summer haircut so he wasn't quite so water-absorbent.

The results.
Later, contemplating his nemesis.
posted by moonmilk at 7:32 PM on August 27, 2018 [10 favorites]

So, my six-year-old comes to me the other evening and asks what the clear stuff is that his toothbrush was sitting in. I have no idea, show me. So we go in the bathroom and I smell it. A few days earlier I bought the toilet cleaner gel that sticks to the inside of the rim and slowly rinses away over days. I look in the toilet and sure enough, finger marks. The gel is all scooped away. Where is it? On my three-year-old’s toothbrush.

My three-year-old scooped toilet cleaner out of a dirty toilet bowl and brushed his teeth with it.

(Poison control said he’d be fine, and he has been.)
posted by arcticwoman at 8:35 PM on August 27, 2018 [20 favorites]

I had a week of limited connection to the US while I was at the meeting of the International Astronomers Union in Vienna. I wish I could say it was blissful not having to deal with the news, or at least being 6 time zones away - alas, it was just stressful.

But Vienna was fantastic - I really enjoyed walking around the old city, and I managed to photograph Mozart's statue late at night, which let me post one of my favorite corny jokes to my friends and family on IG and FB:
Walking in Vienna late at night, when you pass Mozart’s grave, you might hear the strange sounds of his music being played backwards. Shhhh! The maestro is decomposing.
posted by RedOrGreen at 7:19 AM on August 28, 2018 [7 favorites]

A familial legend is that one time when my siblings and I were young, my parents decided to enjoy some ice cream after we were all in bed. At some point they realized that my sister was up and had been sitting on the steps and asked her what she was doing up - her reply?

“I smelled ice cream.”

Still makes me smile.
posted by kabong the wiser at 7:58 AM on August 28, 2018 [7 favorites]

Weird kid stuff report: older kiddo is in 2nd grade, and is a small professor of paleontology. He'll correct you the names of prehistoric creatures, and if you get the names right but say them wrong, he'll correct you on that, too. His biggest disappointment about 2nd grade? That he won't be learning multiplication (he's been quizzing me and my wife, a high school math teacher, about multiplying big numbers, like 800 x 800, and he's learning some patterns, so he's understanding powers and such).

The younger one will turn 4 in December, and yesterday his favorite animal was a ghost. This morning it was a zebra. And last night he had great fun getting chomped by pop-up book animals, but every time I screamed in faux-fear, he reassured me that they aren't real animals.
posted by filthy light thief at 8:15 AM on August 28, 2018 [6 favorites]

My four-year-old might have punned her first real pun the other day. We wake up pretty early on weekdays to get to school and daycare, so I usually sit on her bed and flop her around to get her dressed. Friday morning she had picked a dress with a little button in the back, so once I got it over her head, we had this exchange:

Me: Okay, turn around so I can do your button.
Kid: [turns around, goes on hands and knees with rear up in the air] Here's my "butt in" your face!

Oh did we laugh.
posted by uncleozzy at 9:42 AM on August 28, 2018 [24 favorites]

Well, I haven't left on my bike trip yet due to late prescription issues, which coincided with a house inspection with our poor old affordable rental house being sold and all so I was

Which for an old (but loved) cruddy house was surprisingly stressful, like "How dare you say that horrible thing about this poor old house!" which I wasn't expecting as an emotional response.

In additional clusterfucks I may have accidentally locked myself out of my google account by changing my password while tired and tripping the "we need to review your login recovery stuff by a human" flag which yay, cool, that's good and I'm glad that's a thing and my ancient and now scarily required login is being protected, and I'm still logged in on my home comp and phone and have access and just JUST turned my actual prepaid data/voice account on for said trip, but I'm... about to bike into the literal deep woods for like two weeks and oh shit major modern life adulting fail. (Hey Google? Spider this!)

Sooooo I'm basically packed and supplied and biking off like tomorrow-ish or next day at the latest, and I'm hoping I have enough voice/data access to deal with this or existing logins persist until I get back and this is all BS because I was logging in under my fresh Ubuntu install so I had a clean portable comp and checking to make sure I remembered my password in case I needed to log in from a library or something, 'cause I didn't really want to take the laptop at all and I really need to be thinking about snacks and bear containers and PCT bearbag hang vs. Yosemite...

Weeeee. Ok. Noted, pack extra fuel and essentials in case there's a frickin' tsunami or something.
posted by loquacious at 9:56 PM on August 28, 2018 [4 favorites]

We were visiting a couple and their two kids, aged about 3 and 5. They (the couple, not the kids) drove us around wine country for a while. The two moms of one of the friends in the couple live in the area and we stopped at their farmhouse for dinner. The moms are hard-working, salt-of-the earth types, this isn't like a hipster chive farm or something.

One of the moms (Grandma 1) has a collection of porcelain cats.

So, you know how little kids who are learning to talk haven't really differentiated some of the consonants?

Yeah, so the youngest kid goes up to Grandma and declares "I wanna play with your titties!"

Grandma 1 says, good-naturedly, "You wanna play with my what now?"

Kid says "Titties!"

Much snickering among the adults. Grandma 1 says "Hmm, I don't know... Oh, you mean kitties? Well alright."
posted by under_petticoat_rule at 4:41 AM on August 29, 2018 [6 favorites]

Yes! My daughter used to snuddle our titty all the time.
posted by a snickering nuthatch at 6:34 AM on August 29, 2018 [1 favorite]

My three-year-old told me this morning on our way out that I had to open the screen door before I closed the front door. And then spent the entire ride to day care telling me about how doors work.

Toddlers have... interesting ideas about doors.
posted by Etrigan at 8:24 AM on August 29, 2018 [12 favorites]

I carpool with a colleague, so we listen to the radio on the way to work. This morning they were interviewing kids about their holidays before going back to school. In France, August is The Holiday Month, and school starts this coming Monday, thus the timing.

Radio guy: "Bonjour [young girl]! How old are you?"
Girl: "Bonjour! I'm nine years old."
Radio guy: "Nine! That's great! What was your favorite vacation moment?"
Girl: "Well, we went to Canada, and in Canada there are SQUIRRELS"
Radio guy: "Wow! Canada! Squirrels! That sounds like a fun vacation!"
Girl: "And so we were in a park, with squirrels, and we were feeding the squirrels."
Radio guy: "Feeding squirrels in a park! Neat!"
Girl, starting to giggle: "And one of the squirrels, hehehe, it BIT my DAD"
Radio guy: "Oh no! Was he hurt?"
Girl, giggling infectiously: "The squirrel bit his hand!"
Radio guy, infected by her giggling: "And that was your FAVORITE vacation moment??"
Girl: "Hehehehehehehehehe"
Radio guy trying not to snorf-laugh: "Your favorite vacation memory is of your dad getting bit by a squirrel??"
Girl: "It was funny!!!"
posted by fraula at 11:02 AM on August 29, 2018 [14 favorites]

Nope, I'm not biking down the road on my bike tour yet.

Yep, got locked out of my persisting google account logins for my desktop old cookie, which means I also can't even access my planned map routes I laid out in gmaps, my packing checklists, much less youtube playlists to do the music digging I planned to do for an upcoming gig.

I appear to be able to get to stuff via phone still, but I'm not going to count on it being there in the future. My stupid phone forced a reboot or update earlier and it about gave me a heart attack, but so far it's still logged in on my phone.

Maaan this is a huge PITA and it's making me rethink putting all my eggs in one basket and is edging closer and closer to Black Mirror nightmare fuel. Thankfully I've packed almost everything, I have paper maps with notes, a paper notebook and at least my phone isn't also linked to a google account via Google Fi or something and I have SMS/voice and web.

There's a few MeFi people here I've been in contact with w/r/t bike trip, so do msg me here on MeFi. My phone is on and I do have data/browser/etc, and you can also directly msg me. (MeMail for my non google phone number.)

I'm hitting the road either tonight or or so early tomorrow morning it might as well be tonight for absolute sure because it's way past time.

I'm so well prepared and overpacked I could probably ride all the way to Mexico given enough calories. My current gear outfit is pretty frickin' awesome and capable considering how I've put it together over the last decade or so for not much money. I definitely have a knack and eye for finding decent gear and making do with very little, and I'm reeeally looking forward to being out there just looking at some pretty epic scenery and discovering my way as I go.

Ok, I'm almost completely done packing. Woot.
posted by loquacious at 9:21 PM on August 29, 2018 [5 favorites]

So, you know how little kids who are learning to talk haven't really differentiated some of the consonants?

My 2yo is learning colours right now, and when we're on the bus he likes to yell the colour of things he sees. He spots the red seat and yells "RED! RED!". He spots the yellow pole and yells "LELLO! LELLO!". He spots a blue car and yells "BOO! BOO!". He spots a pink bag and yells "DICK! DICK!"...
posted by EndsOfInvention at 2:26 AM on August 30, 2018 [3 favorites]

Wanna hear the funniest thing ever?

I am dating now. On Bumble. Owning my large gorgeous body. Secure & confident & independent. Attracting a ridic, ridic, ridic amount of people. But even the "wokest" of 'em cannot handle that I am not falling all over them. When they realize that I stand in my strength, directness, honesty and am living my most spiritually awakened, spontaneous, free, wild, single life with no kids and that I actually AM who I say I am? They are intimidated as all fuck.


And I'm not even that much thinner; it's just called SELF LOVE. And CONFIDENCE. And owning being a HEALTHY BBW and taking proper care of my body, which means eating all foods, nothing off limits, exercising (Body Liberation Curvy yoga ftw!) and mental & emotional health and wellbeing.

This is all so damn hilarious to me because not only am I attracting these incredible people, but THEY are intimidated by ME. Like, IS THIS EVEN REAL LIFE!? WHAAAAA?

Y'all. Anyone who is reading this who is hurting because of your relationship with your body, or your relationship with food or self criticism due to weight? Health At Every Size, yo. Go pick up the book "Body Respect" by Linda Bacon, PhD and Lucy Aphramor, PhD. This will start your journey. You are welcome aboard this woke train, it's coming for all of us.

Remember -- when you come from a place of self love your health NATURALLY, EFFORTLESSLY follows, because you're no longer at war with your body, you WANT to take care of it. There is no wrong way to have a body. Love it, it is magnificence.
posted by bologna on wry at 3:59 AM on August 30, 2018 [43 favorites]

bologna on wry , reading that made my day. Thank you for sharing your joy - it is contagious. Rock on, lady.
posted by Fig at 6:10 AM on August 30, 2018 [4 favorites]

bologna on wry, you can't see me grinning and cheering for you, but I am. YAY, YOU!
posted by MonkeyToes at 8:31 AM on August 30, 2018 [3 favorites]

Remember -- when you come from a place of self love your health NATURALLY, EFFORTLESSLY follows, because you're no longer at war with your body, you WANT to take care of it.

Fuck yeah, and hell yes to everything else you said! This is what's been happening with me, and all those self care things just start happening effortlessly because you actually care about yourself. Preach it.

Ok, I'm actually hitting the road! OMG OMG OMG ok let's go! (Pics soon, I promise.)
posted by loquacious at 10:23 AM on August 30, 2018 [6 favorites]

Adventure bike go!
posted by loquacious at 11:15 AM on August 30, 2018 [3 favorites]

Hand to God, I know a family where the grandfather is named Richard and goes by Dick, the son is named Rod, and the grandson is named Peter.
posted by coppermoss at 11:33 AM on August 30, 2018 [3 favorites]

You know what, I meant to post this in the offensive last names thread on the Blue, but it is hilarious, so I will leave it here.
posted by coppermoss at 11:35 AM on August 30, 2018 [9 favorites]

Hand to God, I know a family where the grandfather is named Richard and goes by Dick, the son is named Rod, and the grandson is named Peter.

Someone (who is very real but I won't say how I know them) is Richard Johnson and goes by Dick, so it is "Richard (Dick) Johnson"
Due to a lack of creativity or empathy, his son is Richard Johnson Jr., but smarty goes by Rick.
posted by Clinging to the Wreckage at 1:18 PM on August 30, 2018

I already ran out of trail! Waiting for first bus to skip scary no shoulder road. If I was actually mad I'd bike all the way back into town and back again because sitting here is terrible.

Bike feels amazing, and I just happily climbed a bunch of hills with a heavy load that I was walking my bike up this time last year. Only complaints so far (besides running out of trail early) is a bit of heel clearance on my left side and I need to dial in my saddle and seat.

Also need to eat like 10 pounds of food because this crap is heavy.
posted by loquacious at 2:38 PM on August 30, 2018 [6 favorites]

My manager sent a group text this morning that she was "out dick again," so that's a thing that happened today.

And I've been wanting to giggle about it with someone all day but felt like I needed to be all professional but seriously
posted by lazuli at 7:05 PM on August 30, 2018 [7 favorites]

Woot. First camp, and I've been here since like five ish. My local knowledge was right on in that early arrival let me pick a good spot as it's full now.

I biked a whopping 15 miles or less and it was just pleasant. Temps are a perfect 60-70. Bus ride went great, liggagenoff bike is manageable, heel clearance issue solved.

Current major calamity: I used too much water on my instant chili and turned it into soup.

I keep going "OH MY GOD THIS IS SOO GOOD", because it sure is. I needed this so much I had no idea how much I needed it.


And I can't find the pay station or ranger... Wait he just came by on a jog off duty to welcome us and... Told us all where the power is if we need to charge things! Ok, don't take money before I go to bed!
posted by loquacious at 8:13 PM on August 30, 2018 [6 favorites]

Oh! The last time I cried in public. (Was from laughter- happy story ahead!)

I group texted my husband's family to let them know some really happy news from my side of the family- a brag photo of the two of us with our brand new niece. I also included my husband so he could see what I sent. Then I went shopping to buy more pillowcases. My husband has a particularly large pillow, so I texted him- "Dimensions of your pillow?"

My mother-in-law texted back "ummm?" and I suddenly realised I had texted everyone instead of just mrfeet!!

This tickled me, so there I was laughing until I cried in Kmart, with no one to tell what just happened!
posted by freethefeet at 10:00 PM on August 30, 2018 [2 favorites]

My manager sent a group text this morning that she was "out dick again," so that's a thing that happened today.

Emails from my former manager:

"I need to take a dick day..."

"I'll be out today, taking care of a dick family member."

Autocorrect was not her friend.
posted by Kronios at 8:12 AM on August 31, 2018 [3 favorites]

everytime I hear the commercial for ‚WIX dot com‘, I start giggling (the name is a slang term for masturbation in German)

Same thing happens to me every time a Pajero cuts me off in traffic.

¡Hola, pajero!
posted by flabdablet at 9:04 AM on August 31, 2018 [4 favorites]

Send help I'm stuck on the Elwha and Audubon park. It's so pretty I can't leave.

No really, I've been here for an hour. I need to go camp!
posted by loquacious at 1:29 PM on August 31, 2018 [1 favorite]

Camp 2! I may have broken a spoke, which may cut things short. I will look at it later tonight or tomorrow, don't want to be upset yet. I'm at Dungeness Spit, and I was considering taking two nights here anyway to sort gear, prep for a lot more wild camping, and have a leg recovery and lazy day and check out the beach.

I had to bike all over Sequim to find a Sawyer Mini filter because they weren't available at my first three stores, and it's actually a huge pain in the ass to bike cross town due to routing issues with the 101 and Elwha bridges. Camp is already mainly set up and I'm having hot coffee.

Also, major planning fail: I'm an idiot and didn't realize it was Labor Day weekend. Thankfully I've been able to find hiker biker sites. For a pretty epic trip it wasn't planned around any dates, I just knew I wanted to hit the road as soon as I could after the smoke from wildfires cleared, rain or shine.

Grarrr too many people trying to get away from the it all, and bringing it right along with them!
posted by loquacious at 4:33 PM on August 31, 2018 [3 favorites]

And this is the part where instant ramen tastes like the best thing ever. And I get to eat all the food. Raaarrgh so hungry. Also, setting up camp early is where it's at. Leave early, too, then you get farther ahead and get your pick of the campsites.
posted by loquacious at 5:35 PM on August 31, 2018


Just look at that shit I get to bike through!
posted by loquacious at 5:47 PM on August 31, 2018 [6 favorites]

Super happy for you, loquacious. Also jealous; so glad you are doing this. Thanks for the pics!
posted by Bella Donna at 3:27 AM on September 1, 2018

Thanks, Bella Donna. (And it's ok to be jealous holy shit look at that!)

As much adventuring as I've done it's never been an intentional vacation like this where I'm taking off solo, not going to meet anyone, not going to work, not traveling with friends as a tag a long on a road trip. I'm also not going to go party at some rave or festival.

It might be my personal first actual vacation like this.

La Push might be the stated destination, but the real destination is the road and myself.

It's working.
posted by loquacious at 8:07 AM on September 1, 2018 [3 favorites]

taking off solo, not going to meet anyone, not going to work, not traveling with friends as a tag a long on a road trip. I'm also not going to go party at some rave or festival ... It's working.

It does, doesn't it?

Glad to hear it's working for you too.
posted by flabdablet at 3:47 AM on September 2, 2018

loquacious, ride on over here and marry me!?! here's my adventure! it's on lock down but anyone who wants to follow me I'll add you! Please send me a memail first on here, if you could!


We only get one of these peeps! Make it COUNT!
posted by bologna on wry at 3:08 PM on September 2, 2018 [1 favorite]

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