A jolly splendid place to express displeasure at fucking everything August 11, 2021 2:46 AM   Subscribe

A reasonable suggestion has been advanced, by MeFite pelvicsorcery, for another MetaTalk where one can decompress, vent, yell, scream and utter other statements of displeasure in response to climate change, the pandemic, politics, and anything and everything else of a frustrating, grating or infuriating nature. This is in the nature of previous threads such as here, here and here. Please proceed with unrestrained abandon within the box provided below. Thank you.
posted by Wordshore to MetaFilter-Related at 2:46 AM (134 comments total) 12 users marked this as a favorite

Hm, well, so, here's the deal though ... mods won't be monitoring or reading this specifically (though we'll still respond to flags), so don't use this as a space to complain about the site, threads, other members, etc. If you need to contact us, we're here. Also, if you are feeling emotionally or mentally fragile, or just in a bad head space, I'd really urge you to avoid doomscrolling around, or burrowing in anywhere that pushes all the anxiety / stress buttons, including here on Mefi. ☕️🥤Please enjoy a soothing hot or cool beverage and be kind to yourselves.
posted by taz (staff) at 2:46 AM on August 11 [11 favorites]


I am extremely sad and enormously mad about so many things. Some are personal wounds that I'm beginning to think will never really heal. Some are global and political agonies, the same ones most people are in despair about.

On both personal and political fronts, I used to be a hopeful person. But the last few years have pretty well knocked hope out of me. Instead, I've been thinking a lot about Sisyphus. A few days ago I came across this essay, which has much the same vibe as the story of Sisyphus. It's about how to carry on even when your intellect is full of pessimism and you believe things are hopeless.

Do I think a lot is hopeless? I wouldn't say this in most circumstances because I don't think it helps and just brings people down, but honestly speaking? Yes, I do. I don't really have hope for much anymore.

The thing is: it doesn't matter. I should do my best anyway. It's a secular Pascal's wager. If I'm right to lack hope, whatever, nothing I could have done would have made a difference. But if there is even a tiny smidgen of hope -- a tiny smidgen of something I can do -- then I want to be able to look myself in the mirror and know that I gave it every chance it had.

That's what I'm telling myself at least. It's hard, because I'm so tired and so sad and often just want to give up.

But I'm not giving up.
posted by sir jective at 4:53 AM on August 11 [38 favorites]


I got some (more) bad health news and I am just so fucking tired of chronic illness!
posted by ellieBOA at 5:26 AM on August 11 [22 favorites]


I thought I was doing okay during the pandemic. Not OKAY okay, but okay enough. And there's a lot to be thankful for, we had many good things happen recently. BUT. So many buts.

My new job is fantastic, but of course now a month into it there's some delayed imposter syndrome garbage bubbling up and there's so much to learn and I'm terrified of fucking up. I'm overthinking everything and it's hard to concentrate.

I want to and need to go see my family. Oh boy, pandemic travel hell!

I'm almost fine not going back to "normal" anytime soon because human beings are horrible. Except some of my favorite people are humans, so I'm stuck in a love/hate relationship with humanity. Objectively I know it's not healthy to have so much anger towards anti-masker/anti-vaxxer/republican assholes, but at the same time the anger feels right and is frequently delicious.

Getting myself to do sensible things like eating vegetables and going for walks is FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE. And I'm back to drinking more than I should. It's dumb and annoying, and I am not happy with myself.

On reread, I see how fortunate I am. In the grand scheme my problems are small and easily fixed. I feel like an asshole for taking up space here. And now it's out there, will life say, "You want something to complain about? I'll GIVE you something to complain about!"?

In conclusion, fuck.

((((MeFites))))
posted by Orange Dinosaur Slide at 7:53 AM on August 11 [23 favorites]


I feel you, sir jective. People frequently assume that I am a pessimist, but I counter that I am not. I call myself an optimistic cynic. I try to see the world as honestly as I can but still proceed from a place of hope. Not because I am unrealistic in my evaluation of the odds, but because I am defiant and stubborn and believe I have a duty to do what I can for family, friends, and the world in general. But that doesn't do anything to shield me from despair, and it is only an act of will that keeps me from turning into a miserable bastard. And in all honesty, will is in sharp decline these days. But I also feel it's my duty not to subject family, friends, and the world at large to needless negativity from my direction. Plenty of negativity to weather in the world at large. So the fire turns inwards, burning a little hotter every day. I figure it is just a race now to see whether my organs burn out before the world beats me to it.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 7:57 AM on August 11 [14 favorites]


I live in a small developing country with a economy based on exports, which means that the second the global economy starts degrading due to climate change it'll implode.

And the country is small enough that nothing I can do matters. I could become president tomorrow and destroy every single industry with carbon emissions and the global needle wouldn't move at all. And the countries that do matter are politically hardlocked by internal disputes, bought by the fossil industry or slowly moving towards fascism. Or all of those at the same time.

It's so completely out of my hands that even though it's incredibly depressing it's also something that I don't really think about too much other than when some climate change headline hits my timeline. Basically I'm this meme.
posted by simmering octagon at 8:35 AM on August 11 [14 favorites]


My job stress feels like it's killing me and I have an interview on Friday on my lunch break to not only change jobs but change careers and I'm so looking forward to it.
posted by deezil at 9:26 AM on August 11 [16 favorites]


[CW: climate doom]

Climate change thoughts are ... not great. Here in England we've had one mini-heatwave this summer, topping out at 31C for about a week. Almost in mid-August so we're unlikely to have a worse one now this year and it feels like we've dodged a bullet for, quite possibly, the last time.

31C is not much by the standards of many other countries but (a) as per usual it's stiflingly humid here (b1) the infrastructure is poor and oft breaks at any temperature above mild or below cool (b2) and much of the infrastructure seems designed to make people as uncomfortable as possible e.g. public transport where the heating is automatically on and the windows sealed, no matter how hot the day (c) air conditioning is a rarity (d) much of the housing stock is poorly designed to cope with warm weather, let alone hot and (e) the national health service is fragmenting, understaffed, and overloaded.

Just mention the phrase "Rail replacement bus service during a heatwave" to residents and see many of them shudder in horror.

So I fear what a hot summer - which now seems inevitable - will be like in the southern half of England. The record temperature was, from a few years ago, 37C. That being talked about as likely in a few years is 40C. Other places can get by at 40C but, to put it simply, many people will die here, and it'll be very uncomfortable through to illness-inducing for most others, as well as the infrastructure breaking down.

There's also another bout of house buying madness going on, and several friends and colleagues are caught up in it, trying to buy houses in the southern parts of England which I fear will not be habitable all year around quite shortly.
posted by Wordshore at 9:44 AM on August 11 [11 favorites]


And While Everything Seems To Be Burning there's also fucking DHL that lets you wait a whole day for a package whose status is updated per e mail every nanosecond, but that nevertheless fails to materialize that day, only to be fucking sent back to Amazon when one, on the next day, happens to be out of the house for just a few minutes...
posted by Namlit at 9:57 AM on August 11 [7 favorites]


My school district voted for masks optional. Not a single employee in the district offices had a mask on today (sent my spouse to deal with virtual school details because I would have screamed, I am that torqued about the incoming wave of infections in a low-vax county). The ventilation system remains unimproved. We are so fucked. I understand that I can only control my own response, but it's like I am currently wearing a seat belt and doing the speed limit while surrounded by angry, aggressive drunk drivers who think they're perfectly fine and are hitting the gas pedal as hard as they can while yelling "Look, no hands!" Being calm about my self-control is not sufficient for the prevailing situation. We are so fucked.
posted by MonkeyToes at 11:03 AM on August 11 [39 favorites]


I was so excited for the Covid vaccine, and getting vaccinated was really emotional, then I was flattened for a day each time, but whatevs, I could go places, see people. My recreational dance group started meeting again. Now, despite easy & free access to vaccination, the US has a terrible and stupid Covid spike again. Thousands more have died. I am masking again, including dancing, though we are all vaccinated. Around the world, Covid vaccine is scarce in many places, but so many Americans choose not to have it, not to mask, to go places with lots of people. Pretty sure the real conspiracy is the Extreme Righties who are using is as a way to keep America divided. It's so fucking crazy-stupid-malicious.

Climate Crisis is much the same but exponentially bigger. We know it's real. They know it's real. But the desire for profit rules America over everything, including survival for our children and grandchildren. I could understand when it felt theoretical; a thing that would happen someday, but it's killing lots of people, displacing lots of people, hurting so many. Every ounce of fossil fuel that can be avoided is critical. I have no idea if it will make my home unlivable in my lifetime. I know it will harm my son and my grandchildren. Such a lovely, sparkling planet, and we fucked it up so hard. And because of Covid, I am not participating in any protest. Maybe we should.

My Very Good Dog (profile pic) died in May of cancer, still devastated.

So, existential dread. I guess I should Ask.Metafilter for strategies. Mostly, I do whatever I can to spread the word, to support the good guys, tell as much truth as I can and it feels pointless most of the time. I planned to work in person this fall, but will stay at the remote job. I was going to wait until I visited my grandson who lives far away, then start looking for a new pup, but I think I will look for a new pup now. Isolation was really hard, and it may come again. My dog was good company though not actually a people dog, he was really loyal and good-natured.

Thanks for the post, wordshore. I have had my barbaric yawp. Now I shall finish my coffee and run mundane errands.
posted by theora55 at 11:10 AM on August 11 [29 favorites]


Last week, I took a mental health day to visit my family, to mourn the passing of a relative, who died of breakthrough Covid the day before.

While at my 71 year old mom’s house, I checked work Slack and learned that we had two breakthrough positive cases in the office.

Oh, the irony.

I immediately announced that and left without hugs. I turned out testing negative so at least I didn’t bring it into my mother’s house. If I had, I don’t know how I would handle that.
posted by notoriety public at 11:30 AM on August 11 [13 favorites]


My doom involves plastic. Plastic trash everywhere, the damned water and soda bottles, and even worse the disintegrating remnants of plastic bags and wrappers. Like the space debris we've put into orbit, I can't see how this mess will ever really be clean, again. Sorry Mother Earth.
posted by Rash at 11:31 AM on August 11 [15 favorites]


My ability to exercise charitable views of people in general has never been great; improving it has been an ongoing labor. The whole pandemic has certainly helped it backslide!

There are many expressions of displeasure like it; this one is mine.
posted by Drastic at 11:43 AM on August 11 [10 favorites]


Ron DeSantis is KILLING CHILDREN. I'll stop there as I don't trust myself to be calm.
posted by Splunge at 12:01 PM on August 11 [26 favorites]


Within the context of this thread I don't feel compelled to stay calm, so I'll add, RON MOTHERFUCKING DESANTIS. What the actual fuck is his deal? Why... why is he taking the side of a virus over the actual human beings who have to live in this state? I've had my vaccine, everyone in my family has had theirs, I'm not worried about getting Covid myself, but as I'm stuck at the bottom of this Covid shitshow of a state I'm absolutely petrified about something stupid and random happening, like getting a kidney stone or getting in a car crash, and not having medical treatment available because all the hospital beds are taken up with people who should have known better but thought getting a vaccine might somehow limit their freedom, freedom with a capital DUMB that is.

But heaven forfend people should be required to wear a goddamn mask in a school where they're breathing on children who can't be vaccinated yet. Ron motherfucking DeSantis.
posted by Daily Alice at 12:34 PM on August 11 [17 favorites]


Not to be outdone, Texas Gov. Greg Abbott is killing children, too. AUGGGGGHHHHHH!
posted by PhineasGage at 12:45 PM on August 11 [9 favorites]


a microcosm of frustration at capitalism and the environment:

I keep a bucket outside my front door for compostable things. Coffee grounds, banana peels, egg shells, you know, whatever that's not an animal product or salted. I drop it off at a friend's compost pile - they're lucky enough to own a house with a yard instead of renting - but mostly it just sits there in front of my apartment door, sealed, not leaking or oozing or giving off smells (unless you open it, of course). I get a some personal peace from composting, keeping biodegradable things out of landfills, and running it across town every few months gives me an excuse to sit on a friend's porch and chat.

Well, the landlord stopped by with an official warning to remove it. :( And I don't have a garage or anyplace to store the bucket (and friend with garages aren't looking for more clutter), so - the bucket gets to be thrown away, a waste, and I have to find something that will fit in my freezer to store compostables, and I'll have to drive across town more often - upping the gas used. A total waste.

I'm really just trying my fucking best out here, you know?
posted by snerson at 12:53 PM on August 11 [14 favorites]


(to the pedants reading my comment and thinking about how eggshell is an animal product - you are invited to not try a gotcha.)
posted by snerson at 12:55 PM on August 11 [8 favorites]


Well, the landlord stopped by with an official warning to remove it. ...I'm really just trying my fucking best out here, you know?

Where I'm at on landlords at this point (after the first half of the pandemic, plus, like *gestures broadly*) is: you're gonna need a bigger bucket.
posted by busted_crayons at 12:56 PM on August 11 [7 favorites]


A childhood friend of mine grew up to be a nurse...and a QAnon devotee. She's been messaging me conspiracy theories for the past couple weeks. Somewhere in California, she's working with patients, unvaccinated and proud. I don't recognize who she has become.

My city had the worst air quality in the world last week, thanks to the fact that the western half of the continent now spontaneously combusts at the drop of a hat. So much for "just gather outdoors."

Meanwhile, COVID is back in vogue, and thanks to a hard-right state legislature it'll spread more successfully than any pyramid scheme.

In my own work/personal life, I have a handful of irresponsible/flaky people dumping their responsibilities at my feet, because I'm "the reliable one."

Our electric car died in the heat dome last month. We bought it to do our part for the climate, and this is how the climate thanks us.

They changed the recipe for Morningstar Farms Sausage Patties and now they taste like crap.
posted by armeowda at 1:13 PM on August 11 [12 favorites]


Well, the landlord stopped by with an official warning to remove it. :( And I don't have a garage or anyplace to store the bucket (and friend with garages aren't looking for more clutter), so - the bucket gets to be thrown away, a waste, and I have to find something that will fit in my freezer to store compostables, and I'll have to drive across town more often - upping the gas used. A total waste.

Hey, landlord isn't the boss of you. There are probably ways around this. This isn't the place for hashing those out but I bet if you posted an AskMe we could help you brainstorm. Also, fuck this guy.
posted by bleep at 1:23 PM on August 11 [9 favorites]


Both COVID wise and wildfire wise it feels pretty much like August 2020, and it's messing with my brain.

Choral singing is my major hobby and I gave it up for a year, figuring we'd have our shit together by fall 21. My director is requiring vax proof for everyone to sing, and yet still with Delta it's still gonna feel like a virus bomb and that is so depressing.

I made an ADA request to return to work, and it's taking forever to process, and I feel like my boss is sort of annoyed that I'm "holding up" the other planning for who will work when/where because my requests are still a question mark, and it is annoying, but that is 100% the fault of people who will not mandate social distancing unless a doctor tells them they have to. We all knew the process would take all goddamn summer because it's designed to be long and discouraging.
posted by nakedmolerats at 1:28 PM on August 11 [6 favorites]


Well, my amazing badass sister died of ovarian cancer two weeks ago. After 18 months of a lot of chemo and bad scan results and a couple of months on hospice status. I basically moved in with her and her partner for the last few weeks so I could be there to help move her in the night and give him some respite, and was with her when she died. Spent a lot of time having flashbacks to the end of rtha's life. And now I'm an exhausted puddle of sadness and having a hard time getting anything done at all. My work is cutting me a lot of slack (among the upsides of working for an HIV organization - they know from grief) but there's a lot that needs doing. And I just want to curl up in bed with a cat and cry.

My sister took up running some years ago - never ran in high school or anything - and really took to it. Two years ago she won the national cross country championship for her age group. Her running team pointed out that the championships were canceled last year, so she is still the reigning champion for her age group!
posted by gingerbeer at 1:40 PM on August 11 [104 favorites]


Oh gingerbeer, I am so sorry for your loss. I am sure your sister was so, so amazing. I honestly don't know how people take up a sport once they're out of their younger/high school years - let alone becoming the reigning champion in it! Mad respect.

I hope you have many cats to curl up with.
posted by DingoMutt at 2:11 PM on August 11 [9 favorites]


Ron DeSantis is KILLING CHILDREN. I'll stop there as I don't trust myself to be calm.

And every time I talk with my (blue-voting) Florida relatives, they seem so dismissive and minimizing when I say he is ACTIVELY TAKING STEPS THAT ARE KILLING PEOPLE. They say he's a jerk, they say he's an idiot, they disapprove of what he's doing and keep telling me that "Oh, he's just getting ready for a presidential run" (holy shit jesus fuck) ... but nobody seems to want to acknowledge that DeSantis and his supporters have actually, for-realsies, become a death cult.

In the face of a leader who is literally killing people in very demonstrable ways, nobody seems to know what to do, so the answer is to complain and think happy thoughts and do nothing. These monsters are actively killing people, and people who disagree with them are doing NOTHING.
posted by DingoMutt at 2:19 PM on August 11 [10 favorites]


Much love, gingerbeer.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 2:36 PM on August 11 [3 favorites]


First off, of course, fuck Desantis. Also fuck Snerson's landlord. Snerson, freeze the compost. Get a big lidded container and just toss stuff in there.

These monsters are actively killing people, and people who disagree with them are doing NOTHING.
Not nothing--though compared with what should be done, what we've done so far is close to nothing. A couple of school boards in a couple of counties have refused to follow his murderlaw and gone ahead and mandated masks, and those people I count as having done more than nothing. Our superintendent defied him and wrote a WaPo op ed about it. The townspeople wrote her a thank you note and we all signed it. Local prof drew up a petition that said we need to require vaccinations at the university and everyone's signing that. I have been hurling money at Nikki Fried. But I know what you mean. I would love to see CPS take DeSantis's kids from him before he gets them sick. I would love to see him taken into custody as the blazingly obvious danger to self and others that he is.

Florida is a big bubbling vat of contagion of all kinds and it is endangering the rest of the country. It cannot be sawn off the continent and allowed to float away, so the rest of the country and the world should maybe stop pointing and laughing and help us figure something out. Some kind of an underground railroad for our endangered kids, maybe, would be a good start. Your demented MAGA parents want to take you out of public school and shove you in a maskfree Christian school, you flee in the dark of night and shelter in, I don't know, Vermont or something.
posted by Don Pepino at 2:45 PM on August 11 [6 favorites]


gingerbeer, that sucks. So hard. I really am sorry to hear this news, and am sending you a hug.
posted by MonkeyToes at 2:53 PM on August 11 [1 favorite]


gingerbeer, I’m so sorry.
posted by Orange Dinosaur Slide at 2:57 PM on August 11 [1 favorite]


Gingerbeer, your sister sounds fantastic. I'm glad you had her and that she had you, and Fuck Cancer.
posted by theora55 at 3:14 PM on August 11 [1 favorite]


That's really rough, gingerbeer. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Sending much love from Toronto.
posted by chococat at 3:22 PM on August 11 [1 favorite]


(((((((gingerbeer)))))))

That's understandably heart-wrenching.
posted by mightshould at 3:38 PM on August 11 [1 favorite]


The bigRed(Old)Kitty has another respiratory infection. His mobile vet quit to join a more sane practice. The backup emergency clinic has gotten progressively worse in the past two years - it is literally hit or miss whether I will get a vet who will just treat the problem or one who will give me a lecture on how I really should take an 18+ year old cat to see a veterinary cardiologist and act like I'm a terrible owner because I refuse all the damn upsells.

I put a call into a well recommend clinic near my house this morning and left a message.

*Crickets* No callback.

I spent several hours in the ER on Friday being treated for a severe asthma attack and I'm still not better. I know this is because of the terrible air quality but it has gotten so, so bad in the past two years. My doctor's office was wonderful - they snuck me in for the first appointment tomorrow morning and gave me additional guidance on what to continue doing in the meantime. Everyone were so nice and I sat on the phone and felt like I did not deserve to have people being so kind to me. I've missed 2.5 days of work so far.

But one of the requests was to get a Covid test as soon as possible so it could be ruled out as an underlying cause as this is the first time ever I have ended up in the ER due to asthma. So I missed more work to get a rapid test done - it was negative.

I know that we need to move to someplace with better air quality, but there is no place like that any longer.
posted by theBigRedKittyPurrs at 3:39 PM on August 11 [8 favorites]


Been extra fun. Got to Mom's yesterday and she had been on the floor for some hours.

ER was busy. Was finally back at her house after midnight and in bed by 1:30 AM after gettingup at 3:15 AM that morning.

She's 91 in September. She's obstinate and fiesty and has dementia. She woke up this morning with no recollection of the 6 hour ER experience or concept that she had fallen; said her hip kinda hurts.....

Minor fracture to hip in best place possible. She can use a walker and get around her house. She slept most of the day today. I stayed out from work today to keep eye on things. . . and clean and do her laundry and fix food.

My brother offered text messaging advice from afar. Very much not necessary.

Oh, and the airbag warning light is now signaling a problem in my car; which is a literal allegory of my existence at this time.
posted by mightshould at 3:50 PM on August 11 [14 favorites]


I’m doing relatively well, so I just want to say FUCK CANCER and FUCK COVID and why do good people so often get struck down by same while VERY BAD PEOPLE seem to keep on trucking. I’ve really had it with that.
posted by scratch at 3:54 PM on August 11 [14 favorites]


Within the context of this thread I don't feel compelled to stay calm
posted by Daily Alice


Heh. I understand this. And I agree with what you wrote. But I was more worried about my personal mental space. Gotta be careful sometimes.
posted by Splunge at 4:38 PM on August 11 [1 favorite]


My 8 year old niece told me about a dream she had, about an old woman holding a blue ball in her hands, turning it over and over, and crying. My niece seemed very impacted by it but said she didn't know what it meant. I didn't have the heart to tell her my interpretation.

I wanted kids my whole life, and in the shower the other day I cradled my belly and spoke to my theoretical unborn children, comforting them that I would keep them safe by never bringing them to be.

I'm mourning.
posted by EarnestDeer at 5:32 PM on August 11 [58 favorites]


I've been off sick from work since last Wednesday and I'm not to go back until Monday. When I dropped off the new return to work date, the administrator there just sighed and said we were counting on you to be at the center tomorrow. In past times, I probably would have sucked it up and gone. But fuck that. I have a nasty case of bronchitis (my 3rd since spring), though thankfully not COVID or pneumonia. I've busted my ass for that place. I've cancelled appointments when another staff member suddenly couldn't come back for some assinine reason. Fuck all that. The last thing I need is to get pneumonia. The last time that happened, I was in the hospital for 10 days.

We had a huge line of thunderstorms go through the area earlier this evening. The tree we planted on the tree lawn when me moved into the house in '79 got blown down. I have almost no childhood memories (thanks trauma), but I do remember standing in the nursery holding that tree trunk so the guy knew which one my parents wanted. My dad's been talking about taking the tree down for years. It was looking rough, but seemed to be OK. Guess not. I don't know why this is bothering me so much. I honestly feel like crying right now. It didn't do any damage to the house or surrounding areas, thankfully.

I'm just so fucking tired of this shit. I literally can't even scroll through the science category on my RSS feeds because of all the climate change and COVID news. I feel like I'm burying my head in the sand, but I. Just. Can't. Do. It. Right. Now.

Oh and my trump loving father who had stopped watching Fox News after 1/6 is back watching it.

I'm sorry. I'm so so so sorry. :(
posted by kathrynm at 7:18 PM on August 11 [15 favorites]


EarnestDeer, you’ve articulated so perfectly something I’ve struggled to put into words for so long.

My heart goes out to you.
posted by armeowda at 7:38 PM on August 11 [2 favorites]


Just spoke at my first public meeting (county council) rising in support of a mask mandate for our school district. So that was a yay!

The not-yay? The crazy Utah anti-maskers quoting random people from the University of Nowhere that masks don’t work and that a 30 day mandate would result in Communism. And the likely no mask mandate school system we go back to next week. So we and our two kids get to be the control sample in that grand experiment! Fuck that.

Also not yay was having to restrain myself from calling the anti-mask Qanon people a pack of *word on MeFi banned words list* especially the dude who got up and talked bullcrap about the dangers of C02 particles in masks immediately after a tearful father had told of his daughter’s long Covid symptoms and how it was impacting her. The fucking nerve.

You can take the boy out of the antipodes, but it’s very hard to take swear words out of his vocabulary. I almost drew blood biting my own tongue.
posted by inflatablekiwi at 8:07 PM on August 11 [10 favorites]


I am really, really, REALLY ready for the imaginary "This Work Site Has Gone __ Days Without A Random, Unstoppable Crying Jag" sign on my forehead to read more than 2. Apart from attending meetings, I can't get myself to get any work done before 5pm most days. Not that I have anywhere to go or anything to do after 5pm, I think that's just when the LOOK BUSY pressure reminder gets turned off. I am burnt the fuck out, angry at myself for not being able to self-care my way out of a paper bag, angry that [screams in public health worker], angry that long COVID has screwed over my brother's career, terrified of getting it and having the same thing happen to me (brain fog would effectively end my ability to data science), terrified of my own thoughts and feelings, fucking pissed off at the level of sexist bullshit that is endemic to this society, and in the pit of despair about ever being able to even know what "moving forward and succeeding in life" would look like for me. I honestly don't remember the last time I was "doing well" in my life and some part of that stability wasn't about to be yanked out from under my feet somehow.

I'm interviewing new therapists this week.

My heart goes out to those of you above going through any and all grief, specific or general.
posted by All hands bury the dead at 8:36 PM on August 11 [16 favorites]


So I'm angry all the time. And like my life is pretty good in general. Probably better than most people's. I mean my mom died last year and I live in another country and couldn't be with her because of the pandemic and the rest of my family are rabidly anti-vax trumpists who are literally ok with their friends and neighbors dying because they "live in a free country" or whatever.

But aside from that I have a good job and no financial worries and I am geographically isolated enough from aforesaid family and like sure regular covid stress and will the kids go back to school, but we are OK. We are in a country that takes this stuff seriously and really, is it a hardship to spend more time with your three young kids?

But still, I am angry every day. Just angry. I realize after writing this that I have reasons to be upset, but the rage I am feeling constantly seems irrational. So yeah fuck this. All of it.
posted by Literaryhero at 5:37 AM on August 12 [9 favorites]


I feel angry and exhausted and deflated and disappointed and resigned and overwhelmed by a lot of things in my work life and personal life plus *gestures vaguely* ALL THIS. I feel like I’m screaming inside my heart. A lot.
But then my lovely cat chooses to snuggle with me and I feel lucky for a little while.
posted by bookmammal at 6:33 AM on August 12 [6 favorites]


So since our last $&$)& thread-we discovered I was right about Dad’s lung ca being back, baby sister miscarried twins, grandmother died and her funeral is prob the last time I’ll see most of Dad’s side of family,screening mammo had findings which I had to wait five weeks for follow up mammo to be told “ oh everyone gets those haha!” I began a three month spate of mystery brain fog which led to first hospitalization w misdiagnosis of appendicitis, abx from misdiagnosis gave me cdiff, which gave me gastritis and esophagitis. I’m the only one of my sibs to get the jab( including nurse sister) and thanks to afore mentioned symptoms, I’m only on jab one and so will be missing my parents Golden anniversary this weekend…

My inner Dean Koontz loving teenage self is convinced you’ll see actual changes to the brain matter of one third of the country, the earth and water is on fire, the end of American democracy is a matter of months away and so few seem aware, I know I’m missing a lot but this is already a novel

The irony of course I spent the last few months of 2020 yelling at everyone who did the “ thank god this year is almost over!” Asking if they remembered what happened when we said that in 2015…
posted by jacy at 8:45 AM on August 12 [13 favorites]


As a parent of at least one school-aged child in Tennessee: BILL FUCKING LEE. FUCKING LEGISLATURE. FUCKING BRAINWASHED SELFISH PARENTS CRASHING BOARD OF EDUCATION MEETINGS.

My kid's school district has mandated masks, for which I am quite thankful, but watching people in power trying to tear it all down is maddening. And worries for my kid aside I'm really sick of seeing our state make headlines for all the wrong reasons.
posted by pianoblack at 8:51 AM on August 12 [4 favorites]


So there's a wonderful MeFi post today about Questlove's "Summer of Soul" documentary. While I'm having a great time cranking the soundtrack this morning, two of the first tracks filled me with joy, than sadness, and now fury: The 5th Dimension singing "Aquarius/Let The Sunshine In" and then the Staple Singers singing "Give A Damn."

Here we are more than five decades later, yet the first song's charming optimism about a better age coming seems laughably naïve, and second's righteous anger about racism and poverty (co-written by MeFi fave Bob Dorough) is still as appropriate as ever.
posted by PhineasGage at 9:55 AM on August 12 [7 favorites]


I'm so fucking tired of people who don't give a fuck about other people. I don't know what to do about it, but I'm exhausted.
posted by corb at 10:07 AM on August 12 [37 favorites]


With you on that corb.

Too much of my energy is being put into actively working not to let my old brain patterns sabotage the couple of (very) nice things that are happening to me. And my family, I don't even know how to describe it, even if I could on a public site.

There's just no way to relax. I am wound so tightly, I had a massage the other day and it made me feel WORSE. And not in the delicious sore way I've experienced before. Eff.
posted by wellred at 10:14 AM on August 12 [5 favorites]


I'm so fucking tired of people who don't give a fuck about other people. I don't know what to do about it, but I'm exhausted.

I'm so fucking tired of people who want to drain all the emotional energy out of me but then get annoyed when I say I'm out of spoons. I don't know what to do about it, but I'm exhausted.
posted by Melismata at 10:22 AM on August 12 [8 favorites]


A beloved local coach was chased out of that role for being too strong an advocate for girls and women. She cared deeply for her runner's spirits as she did for their performance, and it was immensely valuable to many of them; she was also Coach Of The Year and delivered many years of very successful teams. A long line of current and former student athletes & parents showed up to speak for her reinstatement, but it was ignored.

And then a friend who is on the local school board got roundly doxxed last week. She is sweet and well-intentioned, and this really hurt her.

They are both sensible people who advocate for sensible things. Why do the worst people have the loudest voices? Why are good people allowed to be attacked like this? WTF is wrong with everyone??
posted by wenestvedt at 11:00 AM on August 12 [22 favorites]


Why are good people allowed to be attacked like this? WTF is wrong with everyone??

In my view, we're going to be paying for the worst excesses of the white-angry-dude internet for some time. People who are losing the "power" they were expecting to attain and making everyone else hurt for it.
posted by corb at 11:56 AM on August 12 [12 favorites]


It is both hot and smoky here today in Oregon. We're supposed to get either horrendous climate change temps or horrendous smoke that at least blots out the sun and gives us a cool day. This is bullshit.
posted by nakedmolerats at 12:01 PM on August 12 [6 favorites]


my coworker's four year old has covid.
posted by Hermione Granger at 12:46 PM on August 12 [7 favorites]


I'm so fucking tired of people who
I'm so fucking tired of people.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 12:50 PM on August 12 [15 favorites]


We've had about four non-smoky days in the last two months. I am losing my mind. I had planned to spend the rest of my life in this town, this house, but I'm seriously thinking about selling up in the spring.
posted by HotToddy at 1:22 PM on August 12 [4 favorites]


I learned this morning that the reason one coworker cut their vacation short and flew halfway across the world was because their parent became ill suddenly and died. Coworker flew into a Covid hotspot. I really hope they remain healthy and OK.

The vial holding the PCR test broke on the way to the lab last night. So I have to go in and have the PCR test redone.

Doctor was relieved to find out that the rapid test was negative. More medications, a nebulizer (which is not covered by insurance, so yay!) and instructions on stepping down off of the steroids were provided.

The backup vet refused to see the old man, they were double and tripled booked through the end of September. Many referrals, most sent straight to voicemail and no call backs. I even asked two cat-loving coworkers if they had any leftover antibiotics just to use as a stopgap.

I finally took a deep breath, found a mobile vet service and requested a visit to examine all three felines (the other two are due anyway) on the theory that it was more appealing and would be less costly than taking one, paying the $180+ ER entrance fee, waiting for hours with a old, stressed cat and potentially arguing over unnecessary tests. It worked.

I just really need Bastet to keep watch over the old man until Monday, when the mobile vet arrives. He is holding steady so far - eating, grooming, yelling at the sky.

Oh yeah, and the combination of heat (because super cold AC is making the asthma worse) and ammonia from the litter in the Litter Robot caused the smoke detector outside my office door to go off repeatedly. So I got to mask up and clean every nook and cranny of the robot.

And the fights over bussing and masking and school hours is escalating here. I'm so tired.

I offer good thoughts and moments of peace to everyone.
posted by theBigRedKittyPurrs at 1:48 PM on August 12 [13 favorites]


I finally got approval to drop by my office next week to pick up personal belongings from my desk. Good timing, too, because this week, work also announced a delay to its original reopening plan. Originally September 7, now November 2. Universal masking required, vaccines & proof of vaccines required. For anyone who doesn't feel like masking up all day or has Reasons (or rEaSoNs) for not getting vaccinated, there's no obligation to return to the office. Unmasked and unvaccinated people will be required to stay home anyway.

It's great to see more and more businesses announcing similar plans for showing proof of getting vaccinated. The fact that local music venues are doing it, too, is even better.

I have to go to Florida in a couple weeks, and I'm not looking forward to that for a host of reasons.
posted by emelenjr at 3:14 PM on August 12 [3 favorites]


A reasonable suggestion has been advanced, by MeFite pelvicsorcery, for another MetaTalk where one can decompress, vent, yell, scream and utter other statements of displeasure in response to climate change, the pandemic, politics, and anything and everything else of a frustrating, grating or infuriating nature. This is in the nature of previous threads such as here, here and here. Please proceed with unrestrained abandon within the box provided below. Thank you.
posted by Wordshore to MetaFilter-Related at 4:46 AM

climate change,

It is not the end of the world; the world is in perfect condition, the world had dealt with far larger problems than those problems which human beings have wrought. So, our beautiful blue home planet is fine. Human beings, and many other (most other?) animals those who have had the misfortune to have evolved at a time where they have no choice but to be here with us -- well, we are all screwed. I won't see the worst of it. But younger people -- you're totally screwed. There are a I believe six extinction events, any of which could detoxify the planet from our mess -- a rock the size of Manhattan moving 20 times the speed of sound, and smashing into this planet, that would be a pretty powerful cleanse. Or a super-volcano (such as the one in Yellowstone) doing what a super-volcano does -- that would be a good extinction event also, Or a good nuclear war, where everybody who has nuclear weapons get into it, ego carried to its ultimate expression -- that would do the trick also. I think best would be that huge rock smacking into us, as it would also set off volcanoes all over the planet, setting up a long, long, cold winter. For many human beings the end would be immediate, for others it would go fast, 3 months at the outside.

the pandemic,
It's amazing that these outstanding people have put together these really effective vaccines. They would stop the illness *fast* were it not for stupid, arrogant babies who refuse to take care of themselves, and also help to take care of the rest of us. It does not have to be this way -- look at New Zealand, they have done incredibly well, simply by displaying maturity.

politics
,
It is just pure luck if a good person gets into the big chair. We don't have an FDR, no JFK -- those men both formidable human beings, and intelligent, driven, highly educated, highly motivated, charismatic leaders who actually care about those they govern. Our current president is *not* formidable but I believe that our vice president is -- if she gets a chance, I think she has the potential for greatness.

anything and everything else of a frustrating, grating or infuriating nature
The most frustrating, grating, infuriating thing going currently is all of the brain-dead mopes who refuse to get vaccinated and refuse to wear masks. They are putting themselves in danger -- I'm fine with that -- and putting the rest of us in real danger. I really find it hard to credit how many US citizens are such fools. I wish them ill.
posted by dancestoblue at 3:28 PM on August 12 [7 favorites]


Early February 2020 my father-in-law died by suicide in their home. I was very close to him and my MIL, who already was suffering from mental health issues from a monstrous childhood was unable to get the kind of help she really needed during last year’s hell. She worked as a nurse in a hospital so had to experience the terror and anxiety of being surrounded by a new disease. She’s still struggling awfully and it’s just horrible and sad and a mess.

Starting this March I started getting intrusive suicidal thoughts and very bad anxiety, and started therapy. Much better now with that and exercise/eating better (but drinking waaaay too much still and medicating with weed, too). The return of Delta has me actually excited about possibly locking down and not seeing people and I know that’s super fucked up but honestly this summer didn’t feel fun, wasn’t cathartic and wasn’t a grand return to society. It was weird and felt forced, with this sense that a hammer was going to drop at some point. Now we see the hammer, and wow! It’s actually a whole goddamn train of hammers with more variants and climate change, too.

More and more friends and family are acknowledging how bad things are with the climate and future. I’ve been the regularly annoying family gadfly who has talked about it for years and dealt with angry family members who didn’t believe in it and felt it wasn’t real. Most are very quiet now, some are admitting how bad it is. Yay. Should have done something decades ago when it was abundantly fucking clear this would happen, but I’m glad you voted for “lower taxes” whatever that means. After all, are taxes needed when the world collapses into a feudal mad Max technodystopic wünderland?

Raging at the anti-vaxxers (read: white, conservative, Pro-Trump) has become less interesting than spending time thinking about where all of their selfishness and denial of reality will lead us during the many crisis we will be facing over the next several decades. I read five books about the Third Reich after January 6th to understand what the fuck happened here and while history doesn’t repeat itself, it sure as hell is rhyming, at least in comparing the Big Lie from 1918 in Germany and the Many Big Lies floating around now (Stolen Election / Covid denial / Vax rejection / everything else).

We don’t know where this is truly going, either. I looked up how many days it was from 9/11 to the invasion of Iraq, which became the defining outcome of those attacks. It’s 555 days. From March 13, 2020 to now its only been 517 days. We are not even at the beginning of understanding the true fallout from the stress, lies and dysfunction of this experience.

So yeah. Screaming into the void has been nice here. I (((((Metafilter)))))
posted by glaucon at 3:36 PM on August 12 [12 favorites]


Would it be Ok to repost what I put on Facebook recently?
___
How many Afghans are in your Facebook friends list? I do not even know quite where to start with this, it is heartbreaking. I am not looking for sympathy, I am so very lucky that myself and family are safe and healthy.
But here's the deal. I did not want to cause offence or break any privacy, so I blocked this message from my Afghan FB contacts. As I went through to manually do this well holy shit, there were maybe 30+ names. As many of you know I was training in Kabul in 2005-2007. Maybe not a lot of super close friends there, but many I am happy to keep in touch with.
So anyways... within the last week I have had 3 new requests from Afghans, as well as a couple exisiting friends reaching out. And then on messenger, the same feelings of sadness and impotence, as I give useless council and a supportive ear and thoughts and prayers... I don't blame them at all, the fact that they are trying to contact "some guy from Canada I knew 15 years ago" is just a sign of their desperation and lack of any sane or reasonable options as the country collapses around them...
"I worked with you, can you arrange a Canadian visa?" "It doesn't work like that, I am so sorry, that is only for people who worked for the Canadian military, or the Canadian government. I am just some guy."
"Do you have a plan, where will you go? Or will you stay?" "We can only travel visa free to Turkey or India." "We are going to Kabul, it might be safer there for a while." "I got death threats for my work in women's rights, I am hiding at home for the last week and don't know what to do."
"If you can make it to Tashkent I will support you and help you." "The border is closed, and lots of fighting, it is too dangerous."
I feel like an air traffic controller working over a rotary landline, and with no actual authority to do anything and no view of any runway.
Sent some $$$ to a friend of a friend in a remote provincial Afghan town, via Western Union. What else am I going to do? I am just some guy.
I would say "please keep the people of Afghanistan in your thoughts", but that would be meaningless. If you have access to an aeroplane please fly there and start evacuating the desperate people. Or if that is impractical, get to the Tajik border, and start spending your money to organise a ratline for the illegal immigrants flooding in over the river. They are tired and hungry and could use a meal, I am sure.
What a clusterf#&ck, Americans cannot even learn how to lose a war properly. This is like Saigon in 1975 but with no aircraft carriers to fly out to and immigration locked down "until we can figure out what's going on".
So sorry, guys. We sort of half-assed nation building while you were growing up, but hey whatever we couldn't figure out how to do that, now please return to your Taliban regime, kthxbye. Good luck!!!!!!1
___
So just to sum up: I am bummed out that a lot of the people in the current Afghan clusterfuck are my friends, people I have known for 15 years, and there is nothing whatsoever I can do.
posted by Meatbomb at 5:03 PM on August 12 [40 favorites]


Nineteen months into my separation, yesterday was my 20th wedding anniversary.
posted by fantabulous timewaster at 5:11 PM on August 12 [12 favorites]


Moving is bullshit.
posted by Night_owl at 5:46 PM on August 12 [12 favorites]


Here is what I wrote a couple of years ago, addressing Extinction Events. It was fun to write it but it won't be fun to experience.
posted by dancestoblue at 9:02 PM on August 12 [4 favorites]


I'm vaguely trying to do something about my health and weight, and I'm mostly failing. Last year, I started taking medication to do something about my uric acid levels (around 8.5~9.5 for a decade, when the safe zone is between 3~7). Success! My last blood test had me at 5.0, but I have had more gout attacks this year (currently on number 6) than in any year in my life.

I ate a piece of toast last Saturday and felt the unmistakable sensation of biting down on a piece of tooth. It turns out that, having not gone to the dentist in 18 months because of Covid gave a cavity enough time to get close enough to the root that I'll need a root canal.

All year, I've been watching my cat, who I've raised since she was born a stray behind my apartment 18 years ago, slowly decline. Every winter, she's always climbed under the covers next to me and snuggled into my arms like a teddy bear, and I don't think she'll make it that far this year.

And all of this? It's personal meaningless bullshit. Seeing the various heat domes building in the US, or that Sicily recorded a temp of 118F? With, over the last couple of years, all of the information about how little of an impact individual actions have had/could have on what's coming... I know there is a lot of pushback here to statements like this, but damn, I can't help it. I know I need to lose weight. I know that if I don't, there's a very good chance it could significantly shorten my lifespan. Surrounded by the real-time disasters that used to be movie tropes that meant "end of the world" in neon letters, hell, that ice cream is pretty fucking comforting. Those chips give me some small pleasure.

And that's sort of where I am at, these days. Yes, there is fighting to do, yes, there are battles ahead, but sometime very soon, I'm starting to believe it will be time to gather family and friends close, and hold on to them very tightly as the lights go out, and that time is going to be here much faster than any of us are ready for it. I don't really know how to process this, and I apologize if saying it makes anyone uncomfortable or upset. Outside of these threads, I don't really feel like I have the chance to let this out.
posted by Ghidorah at 1:27 AM on August 13 [27 favorites]


I'm in the process of purchasing a condo in Manhattan. So, yanno, yay me and everything.

Also yay for the great deal I got on somewhat exotic financing. Of course I have to provide all kinds of documents, negotiate a break of my lease, etc. And, my God, it's like everyone involved is moving at the slowest pace possible and there is not much I can do to make them go faster. I feel like there's a clock hanging over my head counting down to a looming deadline after which the whole thing will go to hell. I am literally losing sleep with anxiety and ALL I WANT IS FOR PEOPLE TO JUST. DO. THE. FUCKING. THINGS! It's not that hard! Really! You can just do it instead of, I don't know, doing something else! It's at the point where it's ruining what should be one of the most joyful things in my adult life. I have a friend who made an offer, entered contract, closed and moved to another state in 1/3 the time my purchase has been in process.
posted by slkinsey at 7:19 AM on August 13 [1 favorite]


This third wave is just not slowing down. They've been predicting the peak is "nearly here" for weeks now. We've only just started getting vaccinated here so that's not making a difference yet. My area is now the epicenter of the country.
Every day I hear about another friend or person I know who is sick.
My blessings are, my husband and my father are fully vaccinated. My siblings are all getting their 2nd jabs next week, and I get mine 2 weeks from now. My vaccine hesitant brother in law has changed his mind and gotten his first jab. And he's trying to persuade his son to do the same.
So people do change. It's still going to be a long haul. I've accepted that now. I have this mental image that we're in the dragon's mouth, and it's busy deciding whether to swallow us, or spit us out. In the meantime it's just chewing.
posted by Zumbador at 7:26 AM on August 13 [7 favorites]


My latest frustration is that even after my county (Fort Bend...aka suburban Houston) took Greg Abbott to court and got a temporary injunction against his "no mask mandates" executive order, the local school district is sticking with their "masks optional" policy. I'm not too worried about my vaccinated 12 and 14 year olds, but the 10 year old is going to school in in the middle of a pandemic with the hospitals full and essentially zero precautions. It's infuriating. I really like her! Mandating masks is such a small thing to ask in response to a huge health crisis, but they just won't do it. I knew the governor doesn't care how many people get sick, but I thought the school board would give a damn.
posted by Pater Aletheias at 7:49 AM on August 13 [12 favorites]


I have a gazillion tabs open and ha-ha a bunch of them are actually about "how to tell if you have adult ADHD" or "strategies for ADHD" etc

and pets are supposed to be good for your mental health but my house is full time fucking animal management

I have so many projects I'm committed to and people are wondering what their status is

People actually believe that the vaccine microchips them or recodes their DNA or some other bullshit

s;fadjlkas;jkldfasjdfl
posted by secretseasons at 7:56 AM on August 13 [3 favorites]


Front page story today about two kids who got detention because they wouldn't put on masks. They were offered masks, but they said they weren't allowed to put them on. Their tool of a father got to rant for multiple column inches about it being his decision whether or not his children get to try to stay alive and out of the hospital. He, not they and not the school board, gets to decide whether his kids have to take minimal steps to protect the health of their peers and teachers. He's writing to the governor about it.

Two bus drivers died last year; so far two custodians have died this year. Many are sick. Many more quarantined. My co-worker posted a picture of her sweet, gangly, middle-school-aged son on his first day of school in the teams "just for fun" page. Normally that would be appropriate placement, but the text under the picture was about how worried she feels, how she can't think about anything else. Not fun. Nothing is fun. Everything is scary.
posted by Don Pepino at 8:46 AM on August 13 [11 favorites]


I'm having trouble practicing self-care, building long-term habits or doing activities that are related to having a better life, because everything in the world seems to be a neon sign blinking "Emergency! Emergency!". I'd been valiantly pushing back on that "Throw your hands up and scream and run around in circles" instinct since March 2020 but right now it's overpowered all of my more steady instincts. In the spring, after I'd been vaccinated, I felt so much hope and energy. Then the mask mandates were lifted in the Bay Area, my spouse and I visited relatives out of state, and it felt like there was more joy in life and I could look forward to returning to an in-person office instead of being holed up and isolated. I'm glad the mask mandates were reinstated in the Bay Area, I'm grateful to have responsible leadership, but the two-year-old self inside me feels instead like a long-awaited lollipop was placed in my hand, then snatched back, and I'm howling. It's not the mask mandate itself, it's the fact that we need one. And the fact that we don't know how long this will last. AND the fact that each individual has to make their own choices about how much risk to take, how to trade-off emotional needs with health needs, all of that mental and emotional burden, and this may go on for... A LONG TIME. So even like-minded friends may differ in what they're comfortable doing, and it makes spending time with people so complicated. Fuuuuuuuck.

Also my spouse is continuing to enforce boundaries with some of his extended family who are anti-mask, anti-vax folk, and I completely support and applaud him for being upfront about this, but it's also scary how much smaller our circle of trusted friends and family has gotten during the era of 45 and the pandemic. My spouse has already decided not to go to a family reunion next year, due to the cavalier way some of his family members have acted during covid (even as some have died or gotten very ill) - he feels unsafe around them, for good reason, and the reunion would be in a very rural isolated place. I think it's the right decision, but it also means we won't spend time with any of the younger, less-radicalized family members. I guess this is a long way to say, I feel lonely and isolated, and the "communities" I feel I had before the pandemic are not necessarily communities that will be present after the panny.

Oof, I feel a little better after typing all of that. Thanks for reading.
posted by rogerroger at 10:01 AM on August 13 [16 favorites]


You're doing your own research? That's so cool!

You working out of a university? No? Research wing of a hospital? No? Where's your lab? No lab?

So not so much "doing your own research as research" as "reading up on things"? That's cool.

But if you're going to base your decisions on what you find personally, surely you have a background in immunology or virology, right? Some kind of background in infectious disease? No?

Me neither. Totally cool. This can still work as long as you're focusing on learning what the consensus is from people with relevant expertise, right? Medical journals? Peer-reviewed papers? Public health studies? From people who work in this specific field, right? No?

That's okay. That stuff can be hard to follow. But you're going to reputable news sources who are faithfully relaying information from those sources, right? And you're reading them critically, keeping in mind basic ideas of how science and statistics work, right? Rates vs. raw numbers? Sample size and sample composition issues? Delay between cause and effect? Correlation vs. causation? Looking for the areas of strong consensus instead of contrarian clickbait and "both sides" culture war junk? No?

Then where are you getting your information from?

Facebook and YouTube. I see.

[Backs slowly away. Puts on second mask.]
posted by DirtyOldTown at 10:34 AM on August 13 [42 favorites]


This is neither here nor there, but I had a call today with group that designs and sells executive communication widgets, including a certain infamous beverage order button. I guess someone had to build it.
posted by Nonsteroidal Anti-Inflammatory Drug at 12:12 PM on August 13 [2 favorites]


The excessive heat and the smoke are back and it's fucking miserable out. My yard is a disaster but we haven't had any real rain in months, so unless I want to be so drenched in sweat I can't keep my glasses on and my clothing becomes transparent because the heat makes my hot flashes a thousand times worse, I'm stuck inside, smelling like a moldering campfire.

I live in apparently the most-vaccinated zip code of the most-vaccinated major city, but now we're back to masks again just when I felt like hallelujah, we're free, because I have never found a mask that doesn't mean I can't see/breathe at all and I hate them. And with the effing heat and smoke, it's just so much worse. I love the idea of wearing masks when you're sick or to prevent others from being so, but I just hate the actual practical application of it--which is why people who are whiners about wearing them enrage me. Dude, I hate it too, but I do it because it's the right fucking thing, you pewling baby.

My usual refuge is reading the front page stories and comments, but I just want to yeet a bunch of complete assholes into the sun right now especially on that food processing thread, so I know I really do have to step away from metafilter for a break, or at least from the blue, for right now. Which sucks, since this is my only real "social media" other than idly reblogging pretty pictures on tumblr.
posted by kitten kaboodle at 12:24 PM on August 13 [10 favorites]


My mask hurts today. I have no work that requires me to be in an office building during a raging pandemic. But my bosses aren't happy that I get the work done, I also have to sit in an office building where people are not masking up . I guess that gives them warm, fuzzy feelings, but I am really fucking tired of it.
posted by mersen at 1:08 PM on August 13 [10 favorites]


Yes please, I would like to express displeasure at fucking everything.

My life, pre-pandemic, intersected with others' lives and the wider world only in and via London. Home was for solitude, and books, and restorative walks in the countryside. London, 50ish miles away by train, was for interactions with colleagues and friends and family, and for world-class museums, and for gigantic bookshops, and for the possibility of discovery. And it was the hub for any longer journeys. I mean, if you want to go somewhere by train or by plane and you live in Kent, you start by getting on a train to London.

Since March 2020, I've been scared to get on a train. And I can't drive.

So for approaching a year and a half, my whole world has been solitude, and books, and walks in the countryside. And those things are important to me! and of course I know I'm lucky that I've got them, and that my job can be done from home, and that I'm not struggling for money, and that everyone I care about is still alive, even if I can't meet up with them. But my life is so, so much smaller than it used to be, and if I let myself think about it, I choke with sorrow over what I've lost.

It was fine at first, because it was only going to be for a few weeks. Then it was only going to be for a few months. Then it was only going to be until we had a vaccine. Then it was only going to be until I'd had both jabs. But now that we've passed all those milestones, they're saying that although the vaccine's fantastic against hospitalisation and death, it's only about 50% effective against catching and potentially spreading the virus. And instead of reacting to that by strengthening the mask rules, or laying out a plan to get air purifiers into every shared space in the country, or doing literally anything useful at all, the government's chosen to REMOVE ALL NON-VACCINE MITIGATIONS because they are about as capable of responding quickly and appropriately to evolving situations as a stuffed gerbil.

So now there's no end in sight, and all I know is that things can still get worse, because somehow every time I think the government has hit bottom, they find an even worse decision to make. I mean, five years ago I thought the decision to hold the Brexit referendum was the worst thing possible. Ha. Hahahahahaha. ha. *sob*.

Plus, speaking of Brexit, there's all that non-pandemic Awful Stuff going on in the country and the world, much of which is completely terrifying and far, far beyond my power to affect. And at the opposite end of the scale, there's an increasing number of small things that absolutely should be within my power to effect, like getting an eye test or getting a plumber in to fix the dripping toilet cistern, that the pandemic makes too daunting to deal with right now. I can't even get a break when I'm asleep, because waking or sleeping, I seem to have lost access to the flow state where I lose awareness of the passage of time. Plus I'm having anxiety dreams and nightmares. I need a hug! And a holiday! And to scream into the void... which I guess is what I'm doing here. Thanks, void?

(Note, agrees the void quietly, Everyone needs a hug.)
posted by ManyLeggedCreature at 3:02 PM on August 13 [27 favorites]


After eighteen fucking months of working from this same room in my house, my ADHD has gotten so bad, I might even completely lose my focus in the middle of
posted by DirtyOldTown at 3:30 PM on August 13 [15 favorites]


my ADHD has gotten so bad

I swear I didn't have any concentration problems before the pandemic, but I'm only surviving now by instantly adding reminders to my phone for every single task I need to perform.
posted by Pater Aletheias at 4:51 PM on August 13 [15 favorites]


wow. my condolences, several, sympathies and hopes, all. my complaints pale among yours. (of course i am subject to several of the common anxieties and frustrations expressed above, also.) um, little lurk (6) has been subject to inconsolable crying jags, the child attributes to "missing mommy," or the certainty of missing mommy or self in the future. several times, little lurk has bawled that this is the last time they'll see me, when standard pattern of conduct indicates we'll see each other again tomorrow. the child does not report very well on what is behind this, and shouldn't be expected to; i do not elicit very useful information from little lurk. a best friend went abroad for the summer... about when it started. public health officials and pundits started routinely saying "you're fucked if your not vaccinated," in soundbytes foretelling the delta surge, notwithstanding that a significant class of americans who understand the spoken language (and can read it) are not eligible to be vaccinated, also around the time it started. my strict-epistemology approach (we can't know what hasn't happened yet) and my mindful breathing (come on, deep slow breaths) approaches don't help much. holding the child is required but doesn't seem to help a lot with the wailing or underlying anxiety. unmoored anxieties notwithstanding, little lurk made significant progress in dealing with ocean and, particularly, breaking waves over the course of several visits to the beach, going from terrified and grudgingly standing sideways and leaning into the oncoming surf wavelets if held by the hand to attempting to bodysurf same, and floated on their back out beyond the breakers.

vaccinated niece visited by plane from western state to see her also vaccinated alzheimers-befuddled grandfather and overworked grandmother; seemed kinda shellshocked at the dismally repetitive day-to-day operation there (he wants to go home and asks pretty much the same questions about going home every couple minutes, among other insoluble tics); came to beach with us (slept in separate tent, in deference to transcontinental air travel and unvaccinated child, until it was waterlogged, but shared during and after soaking rains). so far everyone seems fine, for their respective values of fine, which, in several cases aren't very fine at all. have made some progress on committing to make a plan to forestall consigning him to institutional care for the foreseeable nonce, alleviating some of mom's guilty anxieties, but not much relieving her day-to-day burden. baby steps.

several of my rescued-from-lawn seedling trees in pots have failed to survive. one was slowly dying in mom's periwinkle patch, and i dug it up & brought it home to nurture in a pot. briefly, in the pot, in the shade, it thrived greenly for a month or two. then it died fast. dunno why. and a seedling from my yard, somewhat hard treated with clumsy bonsai gestures, died when i moved it from sand with moss to soil. one similar but unmolested one is happily potted inside. the holly baked to char in its pot on the front stoop where three of the four maple seedlings yet live. the garden ... there were some carrots, but not really enough for the work of planting the row and carefully stepping over it to get at the kale, which still produces; the squash all died when i took the first fruit; a spindly volunteer tomato might have something for us yet, or might cook off in the heat.

met a woman who said she was unvaccinated and followed-up quickly with the boast that she hasn't been to a doctor since some particular date in 1983. i replied that you don't have to go to the doctor to get the vaccine, batting, conversationally, at the implied linkage between the two statements; she could get the vaccine and not break that streak. she was unmoved. i attempted no persuasion. i met another couple women who won't get the vaccine because they trust god. i attempted no persuasion. i think i might have some good arguments on that one, beyond mere recitation of the parable of the guy who didn't evacuate, or ride away in the boat, or accept rescue by helicopter, which i'm sure those women have heard from more pious persons than myself.

at the child's insistence, took little lurk on first fishing effort. nothing was caught, except algae and rocks. instilled proper respect for the hazard of the barbed hook flailing about at the end of a barely-visible strand without bloodletting, i think, for now. probably will have to go again under conditions more conducive to child's early fishing outing. i have fished. i do not love it. i do recall finding satisfaction in eating something i have caught (and do currently derive such satisfaction from garden and yard provender). so probably will have to fish enough to teach catching, cleaning, filleting and frying up freshwater fish. yum. might almost be worth the frustration, boredom and horror.
posted by 20 year lurk at 5:00 PM on August 13 [10 favorites]


What I want to do right now is gather all of you hurting people up into my arms and give you a virtual hug. Or a lending ear. And give you comfort.

I've been struggling, off and on, with my grief from my husband dying last year. I often sit and talk to his chair, when I am watching shows, as if he were there, watching them with me. Usually it's the cat, on her bumper folded up blanket lounge paw chaise, who wisely agrees with my take on the latest TV show. And delicately extends a paw with one claw, if I neglect to pet her. She used to sit on the arm of his chair and do the same with him. So I guess we are both talking to him.

I don't like what's going on in the world, and feel like it's always been the rich get richer, and the poor get poorer. Like it's only been a small era when working people were doing okay, and then it all went to shit again, and then it all went to shit again in a big way. Like, couldn't we all have had the dream of a house with a white picket fence before you shat on us again? And again, and again? No? And then they do it again in a big and spectacular way, grinding down the little people with everything they've got, because of some psychotic dream of a future world that we are somehow depriving them of? Or they're just whining rich grifters who are also psychotic? I don't get it. What the fuck is wrong with these people?

I stopped volunteering for politics a long time ago. Because I was part of a phone crew, calling people, and we were told to pretend we were from some survey, calling people at home. It was pretty disgusting, and I got a "sore throat" and left early on. Those people don't care about you, they care about themselves, and making laws to make their businesses gain money. That's it.

Politics is about money, and writing to your politicians is the same as writing to Bill Gates or Jeff Bezos, because those fuckers are at least obvious about making money, and don't pretend they care about their employees, and politicians pretend the about caring, and in my experience, they are in it to make money, and don't give an everliving heck about you, or me, the generic constituent. They are in it for prestige, money, and power, and any naive thought that you have that your representative will work for you, especially a Senator, is full of rainbow tears. They are all into it for money. Show me a poor Senator.

I'm just going to live my life out, as best I can, and not deal with any of that. Why should I make a difference? I am a poor widow, and I have done the best I can as a hard worker in times past, and volunteered, as I have said, and look where it's got me. Cynical. And not without reason.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 5:47 PM on August 13 [33 favorites]


I teach 7th grade. It's a challenge normally, but after this first week back, it's horrible. The behavior is unbelievable. 12 year olds acting like 8 year olds. Insane amounts of outbursts, meltdowns and fights. Everybody is stressed, staff and students alike. I knew it was going to be bad but this is unbelievable. Of the 4 teachers on my team, 3 of us cried in front of a class on Thursday (I was one). I feel so bad for these kids. I feel so bad for the parents. This shit sucks. And at 3pm on Friday admin says I have to have lesson plans uploaded by Monday. But we aren't sure when we will get computers so I have to make 2 sets of plans because fuck my personal time. If I get burned out it's not the fault of leadership. It's my fault for not doing "self care." Fuck all this shit. But I have to be there Monday. No other option. Good thing Biden has wiped out my student debt. Oh wait . . . .

In a seperate note, I have 2 friends that spent a lot of time in Afghanistan as young adults. Both are having mental health crises watching the country fall to the Taliban and their Afghan friends try to get out. I've seen screenshots of text messages they have received from former interpreters and fixers and military personnel begging for help. Begging that they get their wives and daughters out. It's fucking heart breaking.
posted by nestor_makhno at 6:39 PM on August 13 [22 favorites]


Hey, my life is going great! Amazing new job doing what I love and am great at, getting P-A-I-D. I continue to have an amazing therapist and am newishly sober and feeling great. Losing weight, exercising, meditating daily. Beautiful intelligent wife who has an equally amazing job. Children I love more than life and 2 brand new kittens in the house to boot. Last week I enjoyed an amazing and long overdue vacation with my extended family and friends on Lake Tahoe.

And yet.

Coronavirus is back like the last 18 months never happened. In fact, it’s worse because of the fucking right wing death cult who should mask and vaccinate, for no other reason than common courtesy if not to save their own damn life before they hit the ER demanding the $100,000 hospitalization. For those of us who’ve been going in and donning the PPE and working long emotionally draining hours each and every single goddamn day of the past 18 months, there are no words to describe the anguish and hopelessness. On top of the social isolation, the loss of family members, and the anxious depressed kids home schooling on screens that every one else is dealing with. Climate change is real, and it’s here now, as the PNW endures heat we’ve never seen and the rest of the west coast runs out of water. The world is on fire and the smoke is so thick outside right now the kids literally can’t go out and play. After spending 2 trillion dollars and killing a quarter of a million people, we’re pulling out of Afghanistan to leave it in exactly the same hands it was in before. For fucking nothing. The little do gooder nonprofit I work for is currently under a ransomware attack which means I am spending twice as much time taking care of half the number of profoundly mentally ill who live in ever expanding homeless camps in our city, because there’s no computer network to support me. We can’t afford the ransom and we can’t afford the IT experts that can fix this, so we’re …just going without. Black lives still don’t matter to most of America. I just can’t even wrap my head around understanding people who would actually defund schools that want kids to mask up, seriously what in the fuck Florida? And what the hell kind of parent would send their kid to a school that actually prevents masking. The ocean’s currents have stopped flowing and there’s a mass die off of grey whales. This morning I read that the murder hornets are back.

Things are objectively in decline and it’s strange to realize one is witnessing the collapse of human civilization, at least the only civilization I’ve ever known. (You know, the most prosperous and “advanced” one the world has ever known.) I’m sure some other city-states or empires will come along eventually after the impending depopulation of the human species. But right now I’m holding a lot of guilt about my decision 10 years ago to bring children into this shit show we’re going to hand off to them. What a fool I was to have hope.

When they write the history books about us, they won’t write about the moon landing or MLK or the internet. They’ll write about billionaires who sent themselves to space and the profound corruption of a minority political party that sabotaged democracy and convinced the powerless to fight each other while the planet became uninhabitable for 90% of humans. They’ll write about a society so profoundly sick that disaffected men routinely and repeatedly amassed enough military -grade weapons to indiscriminately murder dozens of strangers, often children, for no reason. And we just shrugged and decided we wouldn’t do anything about it.

So yeah, that’s where we are. For my part, I’m hanging on, enduring with as much intelligence, strength, and compassion as I can muster so maybe I can be a little light in a dark, dark world for the people around me. Maybe enough of us will get together to make something worthwhile out of this mess.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 1:03 AM on August 14 [33 favorites]


New. South. Wales.
posted by prismatic7 at 1:19 AM on August 14 [6 favorites]


My dad died two months ago and I moved my mom into an assisted living community three weeks later. She has Alzheimer’s and can’t live by herself and also really needs the social aspects and activities that this community provides. It’s local and I can visit her. I’m still not sure how I pulled it all together to get her in there so fast. She likes it there… except when she doesn’t remember that she likes it.

I know this was the right decision but it is so hard. I’m an only child and there is no other family nearby. I feel like I’m the only one who is the keeper of the memories of my dad and that’s heartbreaking to me. I’m just so, so sad in so many ways.
posted by bookmammal at 6:16 AM on August 14 [29 favorites]


Going to the bank today to set up an account for mom's estate. We barely saw her in the last year of her life, because we were all being responsible about COVID. And then, surprise, finally a diagnosis for her ongoing health problems, and it was one month to live. I have big pile of her mail that I need to go through today. Bills to pay. It probably looks to others like I'm handling this well, but really I'm just too busy for grief. Work is stressful and I'm up past midnight every day coding, but it's a good job with good co-workers and I am fortunate to have it.

And then there's the collapse despair. Always there in the background. I like how sir jective put it, above, about how to carry on when the rational position is not hopeful: it doesn't matter. I should do my best anyway. I have little kids and so cannot give in to nihilism. I think a lot about Dee Xtrovert's comment about surviving war (wish I could find it right now, but my search-fu is failing), about how neighbors cooperated to survive, sharing what little they had. And I think the doomsday preppers have it wrong - bunkers aren't what will save people; community will. There's a gaping absence of community in my life (modulo Metafilter, of course, although I don't participate much here), especially with the pandemic, to the point that I envy what religious folks have with churches. I have never had that kind of community and it seems nice.
posted by qxntpqbbbqxl at 7:44 AM on August 14 [14 favorites]


I'm truly sorry for everyone suffering anxiety, despair, loss and grief.

I need to have a BREXIT YELL because I had to return some wrong-size fancy organic cotton underwear to a country in the good old EU and it entailed driving 30 mins to the only UPS depot in the county which was not in any reasonably sized populated town but a tiny village in the middle of nowhere for some reason, getting there to be told I need three copies of an invoice and a document pouch (?), driving back home, printing the three copies and stressing about the lack of document pouch, driving back to the UPS drop-off, having to hold up a queue of nice country people in the shop while the poor shop woman tried to help me, her having to call in a manager who Knows what of UPS, the ascertainment of the fact that a document pouch will be provided by the courier, and finally relief when the parcel actually left my hands. It's ridiculous and it's just an online shopping return but I started crying in the car because this stupid petty waste of time and effort to do something that should have been so straight forward just highlighted the petty, pocket-lining evil that the Brexit architects have done to this country for no reason other than their own slimy democracy-undermining benefit, and it feels like an image of everything gone wrong with this poor world. Ugh.
posted by Balthamos at 8:48 AM on August 14 [16 favorites]


“Fuck wildfires and the climate change that is driving them” he said from a self-evacuation hotel room in Salt Lake City. “Hope I still have a house tomorrow” he added.

Mad props to the good bastards up in those planes dropping fire retardant. Doing that in thick smoke, in a mountainous region…….again and again. Legends.
posted by inflatablekiwi at 8:43 PM on August 14 [13 favorites]


My family has been extremely lucky thus far in the pandemic, but we are not okay. I am not okay. I need to go on Lexapro again but don’t want to deal with the side effects. I just want a month of silence where I am not needed by anyone or anything. I fantasize about returning to my early twenties, when I was single, living alone, underpaid, and exploring my new city by bicycle. I was so lonely then, but I was free.
posted by Maarika at 10:11 AM on August 15 [10 favorites]


fuck george w bush
posted by fluttering hellfire at 10:30 AM on August 15 [18 favorites]


Man fuck this whole god damn Delta variant and all these assholes who are keeping this pandemic going in the US. I've done so little and stayed so small during this time, it's the right thing to do, but man I miss doing things other than staying home. And now I finally had a trip to Vegas on the books to celebrate a big milestone with some former coworkers, people I've known for over 6 years, and I just don't think I can go. I'm vaxed as is my partner, but just reading about Delta and the spread it's not something I think I should do.

And I'm sad, and pissed, and frustrated, and really trying hard not to let my negative feelings make this decision for me. But ugh, this damn world and these people.
posted by Carillon at 4:37 PM on August 15 [6 favorites]


When they write the history books about us,

I cant thank you enough for being there for me last year when my husband was dying, and I will forever write a history book about you. You were a rock when I was having a difficult time. When I was sad when my husband died, you picked up the phone and talked to me. You were a human voice on the line, and I will always appreciate you for being there for me at that moment.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 6:24 PM on August 15 [15 favorites]


Mum died on Tuesday 3 August after a decade-long struggle with being old. She was born in 1933 and came over to Australia from England during the war. Joined the Women's Auxiliary Australian Air Force (yes, WAAAF) when she was old enough, where she met dad who was in the Royal Australian Air Force (RAAF). Dad bought a Triumph with a sidecar and that's how they got around Sydney, even after their first child, my eldest sister - she'd sit in mum's lap wrapped in blankets.

Anyway, because Brisbane was until recently in COVID lockdown, she won't be buried until this Wednesday, and only 20 of us will be able to attend, including the priest, presumably some kind of priest aides, the funeral administrator, etc. She had seven kids and has I think like thirty-something grandkids, untold great-grandkids. A dozen of us will be able to attend. Her eldest son won't be able to because NSW people don't know how to keep their fucking masks on.

It wasn't COVID that got her, and her mind and body had been packing it in pretty rigorously over the past few years. She's wanted to go for a while, and now she went.
posted by turbid dahlia at 7:12 PM on August 15 [17 favorites]


My dad died two months ago and I moved my mom into an assisted living community three weeks later. She has Alzheimer’s and can’t live by herself and also really needs the social aspects and activities that this community provides. It’s local and I can visit her. I’m still not sure how I pulled it all together to get her in there so fast. She likes it there… except when she doesn’t remember that she likes it.

I know this was the right decision but it is so hard. I’m an only child and there is no other family nearby.


Up until this point, I thought perhaps I have met you: my next-door neighbour, a genial and grandfatherly man died in June, leaving behind an ailing wife of some sixty years and four adult children. He was a celebrated musician but deeply modest about a life that astonished me: if you lived in Canada in the last fifty years, you have heard his work (he played on literally thousands of sessions, including some iconic tracks that everyone you know knows).

The last thing he asked me was also about the first favour he ever requested: he had a seven-year-old dog whom I had known and seen just about every day since puppyhood. My neighbour took him to the dog park every day so he could run and play, and I used to throw a ball for him to chase regularly.

A couple of days before his heart attack, my neighbour asked if I'd be able to take the dog out for a walk now and again as he was getting on. I happily agreed to, but before I could do it, he was on a stretcher in the front yard being attended by a half-dozen paramedics.

He lingered in the hospital for a couple of weeks before succumbing. Every day his dog was in the backyard looking morose and every day I'd reach over the fence to throw a ball for the dog to cheer him up. The adult kids were there to help out their mother, but the dig was understandably secondary. I saw one of the kids take the dog out for a walk once. For an active dog, being confined to one house and one yard can't have been fun, especially as he didn't know where his human had gone and why he wouldn't come back.

After my neighbour died, I got a call from his daughter asking how I'd feel about taking the dog -- she and all of her siblings had valid reasons (from living across the country to allergies to already having four dogs) as to why the dog could not remain with them, but they were hoping to find someone nearby who could take the dog in once in a while to visit their mother in the care home. I said that while I would love to, my wife and daughter are mildly allergic to pet fur and my mother-in-law deathly allergic, so I could not do do myself. However, I said, I had a lead or two for a new forever home.

Half a block away lives a friend of the family whose three dogs I used to feed when she worked long hours and occasionally dog-sat while she was travelling. Her three dogs were middle-aged when I first knew them a decade ago and they had all gradually succumbed to old age. She seemed open to it, so I put her in touch with the daughter who had asked me. They agreed to the transfer: I was happy, as I could visit the joyous dog five minutes away and take him to the care home for a visit now and again.

A few days later, the adult kids cleaning out the house found a bag full of dog accessories: his winter coat, a grooming kit, and the like. They asked if I could deliver these to the new owner. I agreed, and called her, perhaps a week after she had taken the dog.

She told me she did not have him any more.

She'd planned to do some post-Covid travel, she said, and didn't want to have the dog as a burden. I'd pointed out that I'd have been delighted to take care of him as need be. She shrugged and said he was at a new place now, and sent me a couple of photos sent to her buy the new owners (he did look okay, with lots of space to run around).

I said okay, but I still have this dog gear to get to him. She said, don't worry, just drop the bag at her place and she'd pass it on. I allowed as I wouldn't mind skritching his ears, and the dog always seemed to like me, the last connection to his old life. She said she didn't have any contact info for the new owners. Yes, she gave the dog to people she says did not have a name or address or phone number for. I'd hasten to point out that she's not a ditz or a methhead or anything; she's an accomplished professional who built a great local business (and indeed was our daughter's employer for a few years). She seemingly just doesn't think it's that important.

There the matter rests.

If this sounds faintly familiar, a dozen years ago I used my future wife's account to AskMe about dealing with the cat of a neighbour who was hospitalized (different neighbour; different city). I used her account because I was less than a week out from my last, trivial question in AskMe. That cat situation ended with some bittersweetness.

TL;dr -- Twice in my life old men near death have asked me to look after their beloved pets whom I was already fond of; twice I joyfully agreed; twice indifferent third parties have intervened and given the pet away. It pisses me off.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 7:23 PM on August 15 [14 favorites]


My aunt's family (kids, their spouses, and grandkids) are all anti-vax. They dodged it until now. My aunt (80 years old) while not in the hospital is in fairly rough shape with covid, and being taken care of by her daughter and daughter in law, who I assume will come down with it as well if they haven't already. My cousin (aunt's son), who is a lot younger at 50, is in the hospital with covid. He is...wait for it...a TSA agent at the airport. Unclear how he is doing.

I'm not close to my extended family - not a political thing, they are all just people I (used to) see at holidays with whom I don't have much in common other than some genetics. But I feel awful for my mom - if my aunt passes, there is a good chance none of us attend the funeral, even though we're all vaxxed.

None of them are really the malignant right wing type, but in 2021, if you're at all on the conservative end of christianity, this is what the zeitgesit looks like. It's just what they see on TV - even the least bat-shit "info" on the order of "eh, covid isn't that bad" will get you killed.
posted by MillMan at 8:56 PM on August 15 [4 favorites]


Here in Victoria, our lockdown has just been extended for another two weeks. This is partly due to the idiocy of people trying to find loopholes round the restrictions so they can go on outdoor pub crawls and attend engagement parties and every time this happens, go figure there are more mystery cases that crop up that can't be linked back to known transmissions. We now have a curfew between 9pm and 5am, in addition to all the other restrictions that were already in place like not travelling more than 5km from home.

On a personal level, this doesn't actually make much difference to me. Thanks to my shitty health, I'm pretty much in permanent iso anyway - going places and doing things is hard and hurts so I usually don't. I know from when we finally got out of our last major lockdown in late 2020 (I can't even remember exactly when it was, it all blurs together) it was making me so angry to see people happily visiting each other and doing things and going places. How nice for you! You have bodies that work! And family that doesn't live on the other side of the fucking world! That must be so nice!

Because yes I am very much aware that although I am complaining about the lockdown here, I am actually glad that my government is taking COVID seriously enough to try to get things under control. Every time my partner, who lives in Florida, tells me about the latest record-breaking infection rates or DeSantis's latest efforts to make sure COVID never gets under control, ever, I just get incandescent with helpless rage. And then it's not long before I am weeping helplessly because everywhere I look there is evidence of how utterly fucked everything is. Fires in the US and Canada and Greece, torrential rain and flooding in Germany and Japan. Earthquakes. The Taliban taking Afghanistan effortlessly under control.

And there is no solace, no comfort, nothing to look forward to. I don't know when I will be able to see my partner, my family again. I have no confidence that things will get better. Better for whom? Not me. The despair every morning when I realise I have woken up rather than dying in my sleep is just profound.
posted by Athanassiel at 10:08 PM on August 15 [8 favorites]


I quit my job and it's been a month without working as of today. I think I blew a spectacularly good opportunity in the final interview after 3 absolutely wonderful ones. Just been a long holding pattern since. It's a dream non-profit where I could make a difference.

It's hard to find the will to do... anything... with how COVID is again and that climate change is just going to get worse and worse. I worked closely with agronomists (farm scientists) for the past three years and part of my job was daily being aware of all of the ag industry news. Climate change is real, it's extremely scary, it's only going to get worse and it feels like already it's just insane day to day.

I don't know how much is my general I'm scared/worried/down and how much is this is pretty much the end of the road even if we keep living for awhile. I guess I should do something after all.

But... why? What's the point any more?

And I feel like I've lost my two best friends because I don't think they want to hear about this since one had his first child 2 months ago and one is having his first child in 2-3 weeks. Like why would you want to confront that we can't even wear masks/get vaccinated let alone that these extreme weather patterns, massive sea die-offs, huge temperature extremes will get worse?

Somehow I have to be excited to get married to the most wonderful person in 3 weeks. Instead, I wish I was on an island. I'm so tired, I am not even sleeping anymore.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 8:49 AM on August 16 [10 favorites]


I've fully given up on any real relationship with my brother. Every time we get together, I think it's going to be different and it never is. And that's on me for not adjusting my expectations.

I'm fed up with my job but prospects are slim for me now. I can be both grateful to be steadily employed and want to scream over the things that could so easily be fixed.

And to not be a total downer, a friend posted this poem (sorry that it's a little long) this morning and I really, really needed to read it.

my brain and
heart divorced

a decade ago

over who was
to blame about
how big of a mess
I have become

eventually,
they couldn't be
in the same room
with each other

now my head and heart
share custody of me

I stay with my brain
during the week

and my heart
gets me on weekends

they never speak to one another
- instead, they give me
the same note to pass
to each other every week

and their notes they
send to one another always
says the same thing:

"This is all your fault"

on Sundays
my heart complains
about how my
head has let me down
in the past

and on Wednesday
my head lists all
of the times my
heart has screwed
things up for me
in the future

they blame each
other for the
state of my life

there's been a lot
of yelling - and crying
so,
lately, I've been
spending a lot of
time with my gut

who serves as my
unofficial therapist

most nights, I sneak out of the
window in my ribcage

and slide down my spine
and collapse on my
gut's plush leather chair
that's always open for me

~ and I just sit sit sit sit
until the sun comes up

last evening,
my gut asked me
if I was having a hard
time being caught
between my heart
and my head

I nodded

I said I didn't know
if I could live with
either of them anymore

"my heart is always sad about
something that happened yesterday
while my head is always worried
about something that may happen tomorrow,"
I lamented

my gut squeezed my hand

"I just can't live with
my mistakes of the past
or my anxiety about the future,"
I sighed

my gut smiled and said:

"in that case,
you should
go stay with your
lungs for a while,"

I was confused
- the look on my face gave it away

"if you are exhausted about
your heart's obsession with
the fixed past and your mind's focus
on the uncertain future

your lungs are the perfect place for you
there is no yesterday in your lungs
there is no tomorrow there either

there is only now
there is only inhale
there is only exhale
there is only this moment
there is only breath

and in that breath

you can rest while your
heart and head work
their relationship out."

this morning,
while my brain
was busy reading
tea leaves

and while my
heart was staring
at old photographs

I packed a little
bag and walked
to the door of
my lungs

before I could even knock
she opened the door
with a smile and as
a gust of air embraced me
she said

"what took you so long?"

~ john roedel (johnroedel.com)
posted by Twicketface at 11:54 AM on August 16 [26 favorites]


That was really beautiful, I needed that. Thank you.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 9:12 AM on August 17 [4 favorites]


Here's hoping my new meds for ADHD and anxiety/depression kick in before my deteriorating work performance causes me to lose the best job I have ever had. To this point, a combination of the good work I did earlier in the year having a long tail and some dumb luck is helping me prop myself up. But the 4-5 hours a day of productive work I once did is down to 90 minutes maybe, and it's going to become pretty noticeable at some point.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 10:20 AM on August 17 [10 favorites]


And in general, just shout out to all of the people who by all rights should be hanging in there fine, but have completely hit the E on their personal serotonin tank after [gestures broadly at everything.]
posted by DirtyOldTown at 10:26 AM on August 17 [6 favorites]


Maybe this isn’t the place, but I saw this tweet about WFH:
“The fact that it's much harder for assholes to be assholes is one of the things I appreciate about Zoom.”

which is referencing this part of a NYTimes op-ed:
“The yelling! The robust intellectual debate! The alpha male mind games! The subtle power dynamics of who pounded the table when and who ate off whose plate. Yet their jousting enabled the businesses — and many others — to get back on their feet.”

Fuuuuck that
posted by Monochrome at 1:31 PM on August 17 [8 favorites]


In late February, I learned that my sister-from-another-mister had liver cancer.

My full knee replacement from March 11, 2020 (when the pandemic was declared) isn't working out. We'd been close for about 22 years. She cleaned up after my suicide attempt in 2004.

I was laid off from my job on May 7 (did not like job, but a wonderful company w/stupendous benefits).

I had a partial replacement on the other leg on May 27, spent longer in the hospital than for the full, due to a code call (I was fine) one day.

After discharge, I called my friend, her cell had been disconnected, and I sent an email to her email. I received a one-sentence reply that she'd died on April 20. Years back, she'd told me I'd find out if anything happened to her. We were one another's mostly main support system.

In June my PTs suspected a blood clot and sent me to the ER; it turned out to be a huge Baker's cyst. A second cousin I met through genealogy and who has been like a brother (we've never met IRL) has terminal liver cancer, his third cancer.

My PT is unsatisfied w/progress on recent surgical leg, just as last year's PT was with that leg. Something is wrong. I walk, I do my exercises, but I am not getting better.

My unemployment benefits are not coming. I've been disqualified due to issues related to telling the truth about temporary inability to work and miscommunications. I'm appealing.

Get the fork.
posted by jgirl at 4:33 PM on August 17 [5 favorites]


Two of my friends are so sad and I can't help much.
posted by clew at 4:51 PM on August 17 [3 favorites]


1. A whine that is directly related to COVID: I have three weeks off, paid, from my job, starting next week. I recognize that this is a fantastic privilege, and I was looking forward to doing something with this time. But, as the dates come closer, the COVID-19 news just gets worse and worse, so I'm resigned to just spending my vacation as a 'staycation'. Again - I know I'm in a fantastic place here, but it's still kind of a bummer. I suppose I *could* travel somewhere, but now my energy and enthusiasm for travelling is waning. I do fee resentment that I'm one of the responsible ones, who got vaccinated, still masks up, and isolates, and yet I'm the one stuck at home - some of my more lax friends and coworkers are travelling now, and it frustrates me.

2. A whine that is tangential to COVID: For years now, I've suffered from fatigue of various types. Doctors and I are whittling down the causes, and I'm starting to feel better. I'm deficient in Vitamin D and Iron, so I'm taking supplements in both. I did two sleep studies, and it turns out that I have Sleep Apnea, so I've been faithfully using a CPAP every single night. After a bout with a COVID-esque illness in March 2020 that never really let up, I got officially diagnosed with Post-Viral Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. My GP got me a referral into the UW-Seattle Long Covid Clinic, and I meet with them on September 14th.

In the meantime, I talked to my Psychiatrist, and he did some tweaks in my medication - yanked my SSRI, and doubled my ADHD stimulant. Dexedrine, in fact. This combo? Is WORKING. Like - I can THINK and also DO STUFF. This combo WORKS. However, the bad? It's made my GERD worse...which leaves me with a chronic cough. An ANRP prescribed Tessilon pearles, which sorta work, but I can't take these forever.

So now the docs are making sounds about yanking the Dex, which will make me fatigued again. I'm not happy about this, but I'll see what the Long Covid Clinic says. They at least have a multidisciplinary approach, as opposed to 3 docs not talking to each other and all suggesting different things.
posted by spinifex23 at 7:19 PM on August 17 [6 favorites]


I withdraw all of my complaints for this world and ask that all positive vibes now go to my six year-old nephew, who has symptomatic COVID.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 8:06 PM on August 17 [16 favorites]


DirtyOldTown sending all the positive vibes to your nephew.
posted by theBigRedKittyPurrs at 4:22 AM on August 18 [4 favorites]


A long whine.

I had no clue that the recovery for a severe asthma flare up could be a matter of weeks, not days and that it would hurt so damn much at times. To exacerbate the issue, spouse's parents have expressed their butt-hurt that they were not informed immediately. Instead word was passed to them by one of spouse's siblings, who saw the single social media post that I put up telling everyone at the same time.

They called spouse and spent 2 minutes asking about my health and 10 minutes expressing their hurt feelings on not being informed as they view the knowledge of this information as a right instead of a privilege that was revoked due to their past behavior during medical emergencies (frankly I'm amazed they have never been thrown out of a hospital room) + their refusal to vaccinate + their constant relentless judgments of all our life decisions. Apparently another 10 was spent complaining about our non-attendance at a family party scheduled at the last minute on a day in which we already had a long-planned obligation.

So now the delta variant is taking hold and these same people have decided that a mandatory family activity is necessary and that family activity will be to build a fence and that everyone must participate. In spite of the risk, spouse is going while the kiddo and I stay home. Spouse needs to stay home. We both know that this is the truth, but he is going anyway.

I really want to just sit at my desk and sob.
posted by theBigRedKittyPurrs at 4:52 AM on August 18 [7 favorites]


My job makes me wish I was dead every day so I'd have an excuse to leave and not have to worry about supporting myself without it. I'm a fuckup and a failure and a bad person every day here. But I would also be dead without said job, so. This place is very golden handcuffs and great for benefits and Covid protocols, so I don't want to leave the entire organization, but nobody in any other offices wanted to hire me either and everyone is stressed out everywhere. Every day I come to the conclusion that this job is still my best option, no matter how badly I fit what they want and vice versa. The job is in a "not that hideous" phase right now but they are going to make me come back into the office and also answer the phones every day and that really makes me wish for death. I'm tired of hearing how awful I am all the time and the more I talk to customers, the more I get written up for pissing them off and fucking up. I am NOT good at answering things that I don't know about and that's the entire phone line system. But I had no better options before pandemic and we're still impacted on hiring, even if I didn't suck so hard.

I can't go back to being agoraphobic again (literally not permitted to because of work because In Person Again starts September 1) but am wondering if/when shutdowns are going to happen again. I am the riskiest person you know because I do karaoke and am in a musical right now (masks on at all times, if that helps any). Wondering if/when I should shut down and go back into total isolation again and I don't want to--I can't squish myself back into the fear bottle again. I don't want to quit that stuff, but I'm stupidly risking my life because I don't want to go back to house jail for the rest of my life. And we don't have any hope of Covid ending or going back to any kind of normal life even with vaccinations now. Thanks, Delta. And whatever comes after Delta.

My therapist is most likely going to drop me because she is having health problems and needs to take some stress off, and I both don't pay enough and am not progressing. If this therapeutic relationship ends, I will probably not be trying to find another therapist because that's hard to do (especially with my new "retail worker" every day changing work schedule). Unfortunately, the part of me that's resistant to change is so much stronger and SQUASHING the wee little part of me that wants to and I don't think I'm going to get over that. I can't promise her that I will and that I'm worth sticking with and putting effort into, because I'm not. I don't want to have this conversation with her. I don't want to quit, but I think she needs to ditch me and my mom lectured me for an hour that I should quit already if I'm never going to get better. I need to accept that this is the best I'm ever going to do and I can't get myself to change.

I still miss the crush. We are no longer speaking and he's avoiding going to anything I am going to, which is good. Tomorrow is the anniversary of his home burning down, and while I'm thinking about him, what is the point of reaching out, he'll just ignore me anyway and I'll get mad about it and wish I hadn't again. He invited me to an online show of his in June, I watched it and wrote back and he ignored it, so I know how this shit is going. Someday I will stop caring and will get over it, because you always stop caring when someone stops caring about you. I just want to know when that happens already. I want someone else to think about and care about, but no go there even though I am certainly going out and meeting new people a lot. (Which I should not be doing, right.)

I wish I wasn't so picky about love or jobs as to what I need and want in either. I don't have options and I can't afford to be picky and choosy with no options to pick and choose from. It does me no favors to say no to what I don't want when I get nothing and nothing comes along.

I don't sleep much (then again, who is?) and I got busted for having high blood pressure at the doctor the other day, so now I get to live in fear about THAT too. I shouldn't have gone to an appointment they scheduled for me at 3:30 rather than 8 a.m. when I normally do that crap. I told my boss this and she said that happens to everyone here.
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:44 AM on August 18 [8 favorites]


For a long time I refused to use the additional "like" buttons on Facebook because I was stubborn and also, why should I have to decide between these things. But lately, a lot lately, I have been using that hug one, that one that says 'I care" because it seems the least I can do. And I do care. Even though in most cases I can't do a damn thing to help. I have sent a few care packages. Today I sent a stuffed spider to a friend on FB who is having a second cancer scare.

Anyway, I wish we had that option here, so I could do a hug-favorite for all the people in this thread.

For me, I've been at the end stage of a 12-year relationship for like, 3 years now. Well, his mom died a couple weeks ago. Then a few days later he totally blew up at me for a minor annoyance, with the addition of some hours he clearly spent cataloguing all the ways I was terrible so he could rage at me about each one. It was a little scary but I wasn't really worried for my safety. Not like a lot of people are. So I started planning to move out with about a 3-week timeframe.

Then my dad died, in Florida. So I had to go there to help with that. We weren't super close the last many years but it was the first immediate family member to die and it is weird and terrible. (He was 88, it was not Covid.) When I got back, the ex was back to acting relatively politely, as if he hadn't had his crazy meltdown. So that is better at least than the alternative. He asked about keeping one of the dogs but he is not getting one of the dogs. Despite his working from home and hardly leaving the house, he made essentially no effort in 4ish years to befriend them, he does nothing to help with them, and one of the dogs is afraid of him (mainly because he yells at his computer a LOT). The other likes him a bit more but not really. If I am home they stick to me like glue. So. I am worried about living alone and dealing with two dogs but that is what I am doing.

About this time, my three best pals at work all quit, including my very best work friend who I have worked with for 11 years. Their last days were all last week. So now it's just a job, instead of a nice (if dysfunctional) job with friends around. I know I am lucky to have it.

I can't help but peek at the news and it is all so ugly and horrifying. So many people are so absolutely rotten, many so absolutely cruel. Things seems much more hopeless at this moment than ever before in my life. I mean, I try to imagine just a few years ago. Obama. Those times. Remember? Didn't lots of things seem to be moving in a better direction? Or maybe it's looking back with rose-colored glasses. I don't know. I don't have any kids or particularly close family, and as an adult I've been crap at making friends, so I expect to die alone. But, it was nice to see a sister and my brother in Florida and maybe we'll keep in touch better now. Our mom went into a nursing home with her husband who has Alzheimers, at the beginning of last year, and that's a mess, too, but there is not much we can do. I am in charge of their finances, partly because they did absolutely zero planning for this outcome. But they are hardly the first to do so.

Hugs to all. So many stories here are many magnitudes worse than mine. I hope you all find a little peace and comfort, somehow.
posted by Glinn at 10:05 AM on August 18 [9 favorites]


My dad had a stroke yesterday.

He's in a hospital in California, where he had gone to visit his sister.

He's staying in the hospital, but hasn't been admitted - he's in the ER, overnight last night and again tonight. Not in the ICU.

Because the ICU is full - and all the other beds in the hospital are full - because of an influx of unvaccinated 30-50-year-olds with COVID.
posted by nickmark at 3:50 PM on August 18 [12 favorites]


I finally made peace that my vacation is going to be in my apartment next month.

Consoled myself by buying a box of Fisher Washington State Fair Scone Mix, to pretend that I'm at the fair. Which I'm not going to. These scones are delicious, however, and I'm looking forward to making them.

Took some of the $$$ I was going to use for travelling, and bought a new Kindle instead - the paperwhite I bought is some 40% off, for some reason. My old kindle is dying, and I need a light weight reader to read from, on my more fatigue-laden days.

If you want to make your own WA State Fair scones, the recipe is here: https://www.food.com/recipe/puyallup-fair-scones-fisher-scones-183806
posted by spinifex23 at 7:39 PM on August 18 [5 favorites]


spinifex, I have been to my own childhood state fair only twice in the past 30 years. Those sense memories are so vivid, with the smells and crowd noise and warmth.

May we both get back to the Fair again soon!
posted by wenestvedt at 6:49 AM on August 19 [3 favorites]


Once again, my boss and only other coworker on our team of two has taken off for vacation for two and a half weeks in the middle of the busiest part of our year, leaving me to do my job *and* his.

Other coworkers are actually verbally expressing concern in meetings that I might be burning out a little bit.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 7:19 AM on August 19 [5 favorites]


My 32 year old cousin is not expected to wake up. He's on a ventilator after getting COVID in FL. This shit is serious.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 1:39 PM on August 19 [11 favorites]


https://screamintothevoid.com/ is really helping me today. Especially with wanting to communicate when I know damn well I'll get ignored if I actually try.
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:06 PM on August 19 [6 favorites]


My lovely daughter has a really nasty persistent depression that her meds and therapy aren't touching, so she gets one week of seeing her friends at school and then 7 weeks of intensive day therapy. And we don't know if that will help but it's the next step. And I'm glad we can do it but wish there was a way that was easier on her. I feel guilt for being a person from a family plagued by depression and having a child with someone from the same background, like we doomed her.
posted by emjaybee at 8:46 AM on August 20 [9 favorites]


Every single person I am still in touch with in Florida (I lived there for 10 years) has had Covid, and now one of them is on a ventilator, and it looks bad.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 9:30 PM on August 24 [3 favorites]


Yesterday was the first day that I just plain couldn't DO my job. I couldn't keep the thoughts straight in my head long enough to answer a question correctly or send the right people the right files. At 10:30 pm I limped to the end of the ONE task I attempted the entire day. Hilariously, this is where everyone else at my job has been for so long that absolutely nobody even batted an eye at it.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 7:20 AM on August 25 [7 favorites]


So someone in the play I am in definitely has Covid. I was super close/exposed to her for a week, albeit with mask/double mask on almost all of the time. It's day 3 since I last saw her. Took my first (of now many in my future, thanks Delta) covid test today and scheduled another for Friday, day 5, in advance.

So far nobody else closer to her has tested positive, including her husband, but who knows. They are not canceling the show...for now, anyway. I presume if more of us get it it would be. We all had masks on all week. The theater may fail if this doesn't finish its run, so....
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:41 PM on August 25 [3 favorites]


I really could use some sensible calm right now. With the news coming out of Afghanistan, especially with the bombing today, I just see a presidential election where people are disheartened because Biden couldn't [impossible thing], or that he didn't [handle the shitshow unfuckening to perfection] and the rabid hordes will pounce and welp that's the end of American democracy.

And this is on top of my current view of the future, which is currently a black hole of climate apocalypse.

Like, I am already autistically prone to catastrophizing. But it is becoming increasingly difficult to argue against my brain's most dismal hot takes.
posted by The demon that lives in the air at 1:56 PM on August 26 [7 favorites]


My partner is being terrible in a stereotypically gendered way right now, and I feel I have no one to talk about it with, because anyone in our circle of friends would be horrified, and it would impact their friendship with him, which makes it a much bigger deal if I want to talk to anyone. So I just eat it inside.
posted by corb at 10:55 PM on August 26 [12 favorites]


My nephew who got symptomatic COVID 10 days into his first year at school is better now. Before kiddo recovered, my brother caught a breakthrough case, though he is better now. My sister-in-law, who is immunocompromised, also got a breakthrough case, and is still sick, but her symptoms are only flu-like and her doctors gave her some kind of antiviral cocktail to help.

When everyone asks her how she is doing, her one ask is:
Please stop using "What about immunocompromised people?" as a hypothetical about mandates. I'm immunocompromised, I made a point of getting vaxxed, and it's probably why I am not dying or dead right now. Get your damn shot.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 9:07 AM on August 27 [4 favorites]


In the summer I bought tickets to 7 or 8 different kinds of live shows and now I'm getting 3 emails a day from all of them about increasing restrictions for attendance. It's nice to see so many of them requesting a vaccination card and all but it's just so fucking depressing, especially since it feels like the email sequence will actually go:
1) Patrons are required to show proof of vaccination
2) Patrons are required to show proof of vaccination and remain masked when not eating or drinking
3) Patrons are required to show proof of vaccination and remain masked; food and drink will not be served
4) The show has been cancelled
5) We are sorry to report that our venue is closing permanently.

We're at (2) for three shows, and (3) for a couple others...
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 11:04 AM on August 27 [3 favorites]


On the good news side: so far negative on testing, though I did a second test today.
On the not great side, my insurance has decided I'm not badly off enough for therapy. I guess I need to have been openly suicidal/drug abusing/cutting to hit the not-ruled-out point. I wish I'd known that before trying with these people, but my HMO is notorious for being bad at therapy.
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:09 PM on August 27 [1 favorite]


I've already posted in this thread, but I left something out. Running in parallel with the pandemic for me this year has been a great deal of reading and thinking about autism, because a counsellor told me pretty emphatically that she thought I had it, and pushed back enough when I said "no, because I don't fit X and Y criteria" to get me to take it seriously and look a bit more deeply.

I'm no longer seeing the counsellor (for a somewhat farcical reason having no bearing on this), I don't want to bore my friends and family, and AFAIK I don't know anyone at all with a diagnosis. I've found autistic communities on Reddit and Twitter, but I'm scared I'd misstep and upset someone if I tried to join in there; so I'm dealing with it pretty much on my own. Which is hard. If I'm autistic, then I'm not quite what I always thought I was, and while it would explain a lot of things, re-evaluating 40+ years of life through a new lens is... a lot. And if I'm not autistic? Then I still don't have an explanation for all the things I struggle with, but they're still real, and I will still struggle with them. And I'm having to hold both possibilities in my head at once, and cope with everything else that's going on, and keep being reasonably functional at work, and and and. I'm so tired.

Maybe I should ask on the Green if anyone knows of a supportive online space specifically for middle-aged women who've suddenly found out that they are or might be autistic. There do seem to be quite a lot of us around.

But anyway. I'm mentioning it now in order to be able to say thanks to The demon that lives in the air, whose throwaway remark upthread about being autistically prone to catastrophize led me to google "autism catastrophising". I learned that a characteristic of autism is a tendency to go from 0 to the worst possible scenario in about half a second flat, so that's another very heavy tick in the "seriously could be autistic" column. Reading a description of a frustrating thing my mind does, written down perfectly matter-of-factly as just a thing that tends to happen if your brain is like this, was weirdly affecting, and also comforting. So yeah. Thanks, demon that lives in the air!
posted by ManyLeggedCreature at 3:42 AM on August 28 [8 favorites]


I'm better and need to start exercising again. And I'm terrified that if I exercise that I will trigger another flare up.
posted by theBigRedKittyPurrs at 5:18 AM on August 28 [4 favorites]


Mr. gudrun's cousin just died of cancer, and we can't go to the outdoor memorial service due to Covid/Delta variant, nor can Mr. gudrun's brother, as we all are too far away to get there safely. They say they are also going to do something on zoom a bit later. We will see.

Also, our cat probably has lymphoma. Waiting for test results but it is not looking good. I'm very sad.
posted by gudrun at 4:16 PM on August 28 [4 favorites]


In the wake of the Foo Fighters concert videos …

J**** ****** ******-******* ******, I guess we really aren’t allowed to have nice things.

I’m going back to bed now. The world can go fuck right the hell off.

(Self-censored because somewhere, someone will get offended and I can’t even right now)
posted by JustSayNoDawg at 8:11 PM on August 29 [3 favorites]


I have read all the comments here. I so very much appreciate hearing them because it makes me feel less alone. Lately I am not the best company. For myself. I was hesitant to chime in here, in part because for so many comments it could have been my situation. In part because I feel...I don't have a word for this form of dread and hostility.

I often have a bad, sinking feeling. Ever since I had Covid I have headaches most days. When I get up in the morning its like a painful fog in my mind. I can't know if they are stress, or covid, but I've been stressed out before and didn't get anything like this. I mostly try to hide it, but I'm so impatient now, I'm not the person or parent I need to be. Work has been just the worst. I am drowning in debt. My cousin died, and it's complicated, but there is just a complete emptiness around that.

The therapy is helping.
posted by zenon at 8:15 AM on August 31 [3 favorites]


re-evaluating 40+ years of life through a new lens is... a lot

I'm turning 40 soon and have spent the last few months doing this. Just saying, yeah, it is a lot. It's a tremendous amount. You're not alone. Self-diagnosis is valid.

In the news: fires, floods, and fascist misogynistic oppression. It's extremely hard to have hope some days.
posted by curious nu at 6:04 PM on September 2 [4 favorites]


I'm so fucking tired. I'm starting to think it might be a fibro flare, which is the last fuckin thing I need right now. Even the babies at work are getting on my last nerve, not to mention the other teachers and my boss. I have a job and I shouldn't complain. Thankfully I "see" my psychiatrist in the new few weeks, because this could also be depression rearing it's ugly head again.

And my eyes burn from fries cooking in the fryer even though I wasn't even home when they were being cooked.
posted by kathrynm at 6:10 PM on September 2 [2 favorites]


guys i know it's not anything worth actually complaining about but I'm so bored, my god, I'm so bored every day all day I am so tired of being so bored all the time everything is so fucking boring.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 10:03 AM on September 3 [6 favorites]


appreciate you, wpofiBH, especially this comment and the other one about how you can't get work done. I can't do anything. It's like I'm wearing roller skates except with huge unshaped granite boulders for wheels fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck this suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks I just want some stern, uncompromising brainobliterating drugs so I can be like Polyanna.
posted by Don Pepino at 11:53 AM on September 3 [3 favorites]


Fucking fuck. We're now up to two pandemic pet deaths in the house. I was almost starting to feel a bit optimistic earlier, but the morale improvement most definitely did not stop the beatings.
posted by wierdo at 11:26 PM on September 9 [2 favorites]


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