Bigger Front Page?

March 20, 2009 3:20 AM

Why is the front page the size it is?

Currently the front page has posts from the last three days. Why not four days?

When a post goes off the front page it forces people to work harder to see the post. But many Metafilter posts are not time-sensitive. The longer a post stays visible, the more comments - the more depth of comment - should be possible.

posted by twoleftfeet to Feature Requests at 3:20 AM (1687 comments total)

Once a post gets below a few scrolls of the mouse wheel, it may as well be on the next page away. I don't think changing this would have any significant impact.

But somebody should be able to give us real datapoints. Do we have figures on whether commenting drops significantly after a given post disappears from the front page after the three-day mark?
posted by koeselitz at 3:26 AM on March 20, 2009

Besides, I'm pretty sure the size of the front page is governed by number of posts rather than number of days. Sometimes, posts do stay on the front page for four days.

I'm pretty sure something like this came up when we saw a dramatic uptick in the number of posts after the mass exodus a few years ago. If I remember correctly, the concern then was about the sheer number of members and posts, and about whether Metafilter would scale to accommodate them. At this point, it seems like we're comfortable, but like I said, I don't think lengthening the front page would have a real effect on commenting.
posted by koeselitz at 3:32 AM on March 20, 2009

At my count there are 50 separate posts on the front page, covering a span of three days. That's not a bad amount of content. Obviously there are heavy days and light days, but if you're away from Metafilter for two or three days at a time it shouldn't be too much of a stretch for a person to click back a page or two. If you were offline since Saturday chances are you'd trawl back until then anyway, plus there are's the Recent Activity and Popular Posts mechanisms to help bring you up to speed.

Metafilter is pretty quick, but sometimes it chugs along. The longer a webpage takes to load, the lest likely it is that people will bother with it. Perhaps that's the reason there are more than a couple days worth of posts on the front?
posted by turgid dahlia at 3:33 AM on March 20, 2009

It might be a neat pony to have, though. "Number of Posts Per Page" or something.
posted by turgid dahlia at 3:34 AM on March 20, 2009 [7 favorites]

"less" and "no more than" and on reflection I believe that 50 is just the default number of posts for the front page, rather than a time-sensitive number.
posted by turgid dahlia at 3:44 AM on March 20, 2009

Once a post gets below a few scrolls of the mouse wheel, it may as well be on the next page away.

I really have to disagree with that. I think there is ample evidence that vertical scrolling is now a common way for people to scan a web page. People don't just look at web pages "above the fold" anymore.

I'd bet that the proportion of visitors who click through "Older posts" is much smaller than the proportion who enjoy the satisfaction of scrolling to the end of a page. It ought to be easier for people to find an interesting (relatively) recent thread.

If the size of the front page was determined by some arbitrary constant like "50 posts per page" or "last 72 hours" then this very arbitrariness should be debatable.

This is the part of the argument where I back it up with real datapoints. Until I have those, I'm just going to back out.
posted by twoleftfeet at 3:57 AM on March 20, 2009

I get nearly 100 front page posts on my 24" monitor.
posted by gman at 4:07 AM on March 20, 2009

MetaFilter: Obviously there are heavy days and light days.
posted by fish tick at 5:09 AM on March 20, 2009

MetaFilter: Obviously there are heavy days and light days.
...and days we feel a little "less than fresh."
posted by Floydd at 5:25 AM on March 20, 2009 [10 favorites]

i bought up all the monitors from the apollo 11 mission on ebay.

i can see the entire internet at once on them.
posted by UbuRoivas at 5:26 AM on March 20, 2009 [9 favorites]

People don't just look at web pages "above the fold" anymore.
Those who buy advertising on Web sites will say otherwise.

Like most things on MeFi, the length of the front page is what it is because it has organically ended up that way through trial and fiddling. Changing even the slightest thing could upset the whole balance of the site and, next thing, cats living with dogs etc ...
posted by dg at 5:28 AM on March 20, 2009

HI I'M FROM METAFILTER AND I COULD OVERSIZE A PLATE OF BEANS
posted by DU at 5:29 AM on March 20, 2009

Why not four days?

Well the converse to that is why should it be four days?

The longer a post stays visible, the more comments - the more depth of comment - should be possible.

Your premise that the longer a post hangs around, the more comments it'll get isn't the point of Metafilter. Whether a post gets 5 or 500 comments isn't the point. Interesting links are the point.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:39 AM on March 20, 2009 [1 favorite]

cats living with dogs etc ...

lions laying down with lambs...
posted by UbuRoivas at 5:41 AM on March 20, 2009

pets in cars laying down carpets ...
posted by Kirth Gerson at 5:54 AM on March 20, 2009

metafilter becoming a subsite of yahoo answers...
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:03 AM on March 20, 2009

babbies being formed without a brain...
posted by UbuRoivas at 6:18 AM on March 20, 2009 [1 favorite]

There has to be a limit, or the front page would include everything back to "I have no idea how these people got their cats wedged into their scanners, or why." 3 days may be arbitrary, but 4 days would be just as arbitrary, yet more demanding on the server. In terms of ongoing conversation, once you're involved in a conversation, your activity page provides a handy way to get back to all of the threads you're involved in, so whether they're still on the front page shouldn't affect the ongoing discussion that much.

And don't discount the idea that people still read websites "above the fold" -- we once did some interesting if informal analytics on the site I work for that suggested that's still remarkably true, and that the longer the page is, and the more samey-samey the content as you go down the page, the more it's true. I'd imagine there are usability experts out there that could offer some actual hard data on this.

If people are anxious to read everything on the site, I'd suggest either a) paying attention to the "There have been X links and Y comments posted since your last visit" so you have a sense of how far back they need to go or b) using an RSS feed so they actually do get all the posts in a queue that lets them know they've read them.
posted by jacquilynne at 6:22 AM on March 20, 2009

I'm pretty sure something like this came up when we saw a dramatic uptick in the number of posts after the mass exodus a few years ago.

If our numbers went up after an exodus, we must be living in the promised land! Yea! Milk and honey and rifles for everyone!
posted by Pater Aletheias at 6:33 AM on March 20, 2009 [5 favorites]

Server load, plain and simple.
posted by blue_beetle at 6:35 AM on March 20, 2009

How did those people get their cats wedged into their scanners anyway?
posted by Pollomacho at 6:56 AM on March 20, 2009

I think we settled on 50 a while back for simple performance/content compromise reasons: 50 is a lot of posts, but serving up the 50-post page was a sufficiently minimal performance hit that having five million people drop by every month doesn't knock the server over or slow the site down.

Clicking "Older posts" at the bottom of the page if you want more is a pretty much bog-standard thing for blog readers to do at this point; the convention is very well established and approachable to a naive reader besides. If some folks feel like as much as they've read is a good stopping point for the moment, more power to them. Those who want to click, can.

I would love to see a quantification of the comment rate before and after the page cutoff, though. My first blush impression based on the numbers I've looked at over the years is that even if there is a measurable effect, it's very much secondary to the plain time-effect of posts moving past the first 8-10 spots on the page—the first screenful or so, depending on your monitor.

Doing the quantification is tricky, though, if you want to do it right: you need to look at posts in a rolling window of sets of fifty, noting when the next new post appeared and setting the cut-off mark for analysis of the new 51st post at that timestamp, since "when it leaves the front page" is going to be dynamic from post to post based on that timing. Not onerous to calculate, necessarily, but it'll take a bit of care to set up.

Temporary mirror of the Jan, 2009 Infodump is here if you want to have at it.
posted by cortex (staff) at 6:58 AM on March 20, 2009 [1 favorite]

tl;dr
posted by mr_crash_davis mark II: Jazz Odyssey at 7:00 AM on March 20, 2009 [1 favorite]

"Bog-standard"
posted by gman at 7:03 AM on March 20, 2009

*sums up for crash with puppet show featuring Mr. Charybdis and Li'l Scylla*
posted by cortex (staff) at 7:04 AM on March 20, 2009 [3 favorites]

"...after the mass exodus a few years ago."

What's this referring to?

And I agree with the idea that iy it's more than a few mouse scrolls down I won't look, but mostly because I come here often enough that I don't have to go further than that to get to content I've already seen.

I'm conditioned this way for this site though at this point, so occasionally miss good posts, so I use the sidebar (not updated often enough in my opinion), use the meta posts that draw attention, and the deletedthreads blog which often points me to doubles that I may have missed.
posted by cjorgensen at 7:04 AM on March 20, 2009

I think "exodus" was supposed to be "influx". Although I guess maybe there was a corresponding evacuation of non-metafilterian parts of the web when the $5 signups finally commenced back in late '04?
posted by cortex (staff) at 7:05 AM on March 20, 2009

Currently the front page has posts from the last three days. Why not four days?

Currently the front page has posts from the last four days. Why not five days?
Currently the front page has posts from the last five days. Why not six days?
Currently the front page has posts from the last six days. Why not seven days?
Currently the front page has posts from the last seven days. Why not eight days?
Currently the front page has posts from the last infinity days. Why not INFINITY PLUS ONE days?
posted by EndsOfInvention at 7:24 AM on March 20, 2009

cortex: "I would love to see a quantification of the comment rate before and after the page cutoff, though. My first blush impression based on the numbers I've looked at over the years is that even if there is a measurable effect, it's very much secondary to the plain time-effect of posts moving past the first 8-10 spots on the page—the first screenful or so, depending on your monitor."

IT BURNS UUUSSS. TRICKSY ADMINSSS TRICKSED US!
posted by Plutor at 7:26 AM on March 20, 2009

Three days is as long as anyone can remember anyhow.
posted by klangklangston at 7:38 AM on March 20, 2009

I really have to disagree with that. I think there is ample evidence that vertical scrolling is now a common way for people to scan a web page. People don't just look at web pages "above the fold" anymore.

I do this sort of analyzing for a living and that is sooooooooooo not true.
posted by katillathehun at 7:47 AM on March 20, 2009

I get nearly 100 front page posts on my 24" monitor.

Whoa, 24 inches... no wonder they call you g man.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 7:49 AM on March 20, 2009 [2 favorites]

My first blush impression based on the numbers I've looked at over the years is that even if there is a measurable effect, it's very much secondary to the plain time-effect of posts moving past the first 8-10 spots on the page—the first screenful or so, depending on your monitor.

This is true. Threads usually die long before they fall off the page.
posted by Afroblanco at 8:02 AM on March 20, 2009

This is all totally irrelevant to those of us using RSS feeds anyway. Pffft. Viewing pages. You all are so quaint.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 8:14 AM on March 20, 2009 [1 favorite]

I really have to disagree with that. I think there is ample evidence that vertical scrolling is now a common way for people to scan a web page.

So true. Horizontal scrolling is so passé.
posted by daniel_charms at 8:25 AM on March 20, 2009

Three and four are both arbitrary.

There is a lot of overhead to generating the front page. My non-data-based feeling is that people comment in threads and then follow the threads they've commented in and couldn't really tell you if the post was still on the front page or not. I bet, and again I don't have the numbers, that posts get more comments on the first day and then pretty much no first-timer comments after 24-36 hours.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 8:34 AM on March 20, 2009

does anyone read the posts down here?
posted by The Esteemed Doctor Bunsen Honeydew at 8:40 AM on March 20, 2009

I don't, but others might.
posted by owtytrof at 9:00 AM on March 20, 2009 [1 favorite]

Pollomacho : How did those people get their cats wedged into their scanners anyway?

Well, I don't want to give out all my trade secrets, but I'll say this: it starts with cat-treats and ends with an 400 horsepower industrial vacuum.

This also explains why the cats invariably look so confused.
posted by quin at 9:11 AM on March 20, 2009 [2 favorites]

cortex,
If MeFi used BOGO-standard design, you could fit twice as many posts on the front page.
posted by lukemeister at 9:14 AM on March 20, 2009

That was the worst wikipedia link I've seen in a while.
posted by Lemurrhea at 9:22 AM on March 20, 2009

*beams with pride*
posted by lukemeister at 9:24 AM on March 20, 2009 [1 favorite]

My non-data-based feeling is that people comment in threads and then follow the threads they've commented in and couldn't really tell you if the post was still on the front page or not.

What she said.

Also: Zippity-BOP!
posted by languagehat at 9:24 AM on March 20, 2009

The firefox autopager add-on should let you scroll back and back and back indefinitely to the very beginning of Metafilter - but you'll probably have to customize it under the addon's options. (this autopager is excellent on google image search, for example)
posted by Rumple at 9:27 AM on March 20, 2009 [4 favorites]

Metafilter: I have a non-data-based feeling
posted by lukemeister at 9:40 AM on March 20, 2009

My finger hurts from scrolling. Can we built something into the site to fix this for me?
posted by iamkimiam at 10:02 AM on March 20, 2009

That was the worst wikipedia link I've seen in a while.

Yeah, it was totally bogos.
posted by cortex (staff) at 10:06 AM on March 20, 2009 [2 favorites]

You tatered that joke.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 10:22 AM on March 20, 2009

YM "You left that joke in taters." HTH.
posted by dersins at 10:26 AM on March 20, 2009

Why is the front page the size it is?

Because that's the size of my monitor.
posted by Elmore at 10:40 AM on March 20, 2009

WHY ISN'T THE FRONT PAGE A LIVE SCROLLING FEED OF POSTS??!?!?!

FRIEND FEED DOES IT!

Also, bring back the IMG and BUTTON tags. It's your call on BLINK and MARQUEE.
posted by blue_beetle at 11:36 AM on March 20, 2009

We've still got blink.
posted by cortex (staff) at 11:54 AM on March 20, 2009

Not on the front page we doesn't.
posted by blue_beetle at 11:57 AM on March 20, 2009

On slow days I feel like the front page is one of those ridiculous lists or best-of-list-article-things that stretch the content over 8 or fifteen pages to boost ad revenue. On normal days I just feel like it's about the same but a little less ridiculous. On normal days that something wacky happens in MeTa I feel ridiculous but think MetaFilter as a whole is normal and not ad-revenue-grubbing. On days where something ridiculous happens while I'm sleeping and I have to read a 440-comment thread about feelings and/or life-as-it-applies-to-ridiculous-anonymous-teenagers I feel ridiculous, but not until after I've antique bon-motted down in the unread mucky thread-bottom. Before that I usually feel MetaFilter is normal and I am normal. I am normal. MetaFilter is normally ridiculous. I have it written down, but I can show it to you tomorrow if you want to see it.
posted by carsonb at 12:37 PM on March 20, 2009

It's not the size of the page, it's how you use it.

At least that's what my wife keeps telling me.
posted by Pollomacho at 12:54 PM on March 20, 2009

Three and four are both arbitrary.

Yeah, tell that to Jesus this Easter Monday.
posted by Pollomacho at 12:57 PM on March 20, 2009

Yeah, tell that to Jesus this Easter Monday.

I would, but I think my people killed him already and as such, I don't even understand this joke.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 1:33 PM on March 20, 2009 [1 favorite]

Imagine him in a leotard. See? Easy!
posted by kittyprecious at 2:18 PM on March 20, 2009 [1 favorite]

bring back marquee
posted by boo_radley at 3:06 PM on March 20, 2009

It's not the size of the page, it's how you use it.

Is that you, Mark Foley?
posted by Sys Rq at 5:29 PM on March 20, 2009

If it's just a matter of server load, then I can't really argue with 50 posts for page. This is too bad, because I really like to argue. So...

if there is a measurable effect, it's very much secondary to the plain time-effect of posts moving past the first 8-10 spots on the page

If I understand what you're saying then what you're saying is very likely to be wrong. Here's how I know:

I hit the Metafilter Random link repeatedly until I had a random sample of 20 comment pages, none dating from before 2007. For each comment page I looked at the time difference between when the post was made and when the last comment was made. The average time difference was 35.8 hours. A 95% confidence interval for the true average is 35.8 +/- 12.3 hours. So, roughly, it is likely that the average Metafilter thread lives for somewhere between one day to two days (roughly 24 to 48 hours).

Then I looked at a random sample of "snapshots" of the front page as captured by the Wayback Machine during 2007 and again compared the time difference between the first and last posts on the page. I found an average difference of 37.42 hours. So, roughly, there are about a day and half's worth of posts on the front page.

The two averages - 35.8 and 37.42 - are close enough together to give evidence that people, on the average, stop commenting on a post once it drops off the front page.

Of course, the bulk of the comments may happen while the post is above the fold, but the overall lifetime of a thread does seem to be related to how long it's on the front page.

Whether a post gets 5 or 500 comments isn't the point. Interesting links are the point.

I agree that interesting links are a point, but they're not the only point. I think the comments add considerable value to the links, so I'm interested in how we could extend the lifetime of the posts. If all you want is interesting links you can use del.icio.us or whatever.

The longer a webpage takes to load, the lest likely it is that people will bother with it.

I'm pretty sure that the load time for the Metafilter front page is smaller than the load times of most of the sites we link to, so this can't be much of a factor for Metafilter users.

don't discount the idea that people still read websites "above the fold" -- we once did some interesting if informal analytics on the site I work for that suggested that's still remarkably true, and that the longer the page is, and the more samey-samey the content as you go down the page, the more it's true.

I worked for a web usability company and we actually monitored how far people scrolled down a page. Some of this depends on the content and style of the page, but for pages such as the Metafilter front page, which lists posts in sequential order in a way that conveys that there is still more below the fold, people regularly scroll all the way to the bottom. I wish I had the hard numbers handy, but I'm afraid that they're locked up in a database at my old workplace. I have to agree with others that "above the fold" is a design myth and that visitors are equally likely to scan the entire page no matter the page size.

If Metafilter's server capacity changes, it might be reasonable to consider changing the number of posts on the front page.
posted by twoleftfeet at 5:35 PM on March 20, 2009 [2 favorites]

I'm not sure I understand exactly what your experiment was since you mention first and last comments but also first and last posts on a page. I think what would be needed to really see the effect I'm thinking I see is more like this

- take 50 random threads
- figure out the difference between the first comment and last comment by a unique user, i.e. the last time that someone made their first comment in the thread
- take that figure as the "life of a thread" in terms of attracting commenters instead

My feeling is that once a thread moves down the page, the only people still commenting in it after the first 12-24 hours (and I may be totally wrong, but this is just my "I've been here a while" feeling) are people who have already commented and are keeping up with the thread via recent activity. I'm not sure the experiment you did, interesting though it was, refutes that at all.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 5:47 PM on March 20, 2009

On the comment pages I looked at how long it was between when the post was made and when somebody made the last comment - the "lifetime of the thread". For the front pages I looked at how long a post stays on the front page (each new post pushes a bottom post off the front, so the average time difference between top and bottom posts is some measure of how long a post stays on the front page).

- take 50 random threads
- figure out the difference between the first comment and last comment by a unique user, i.e. the last time that someone made their first comment in the thread
- take that figure as the "life of a thread" in terms of attracting commenters instead

I only used 20 random threads because it became boring to manually ignore older posts - a thread from 2001 may not represent the current user population very well - but certainly a sample of 50 would decrease the margin of error. So, another feature request! Allow parameters for Metafilter Random that would only, say, bring up more recent pages.

Your experiment should be doable with the data in the comments infodump, but that's a ginormous file that the puny Excel database I have at home can't handle. I'd like to know beforehand how often users leave multiple comments for the same post.

What I'm often looking for is the one comment from somebody who has special knowledge about the content of the post. If posts are only noticeable for about a day and a half and that special somebody forgets to check Metafilter during that window then I'm likely to lose that valuable comment.
posted by twoleftfeet at 6:50 PM on March 20, 2009

I would, but I think my people killed him already and as such, I don't even understand this joke.

Bumper sticker I saw last week:

1 cross
+ 3 nails
4 GVN

I don't know why the "given" had to be written GVN but I imagine that the person who thought this up considered himself a genius and that it spread like hellfire amongst the home schoolers. All I could think is "Gee, I'm sure your God appreciates that his agonizing death is remembered in such a gimmicky way."
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 7:16 PM on March 20, 2009 [1 favorite]

If I understand what you're saying then what you're saying is very likely to be wrong.

You don't understand what I'm saying; in your rebuttal you actually state my position on the subject:

Of course, the bulk of the comments may happen while the post is above the fold, but the overall lifetime of a thread does seem to be related to how long it's on the front page.

Flipping that around gives a pretty clear restatement of what I think is the key point: regardless of the strict lifetime of a post, the lion's share of the attention it gets comes early on in its life. Sufficiently so that if there is (and there may well be!) a measurable drop-off effect in commenting rate from 50th to 51st post position, it is dwarfed by the drop-off effect from e.g. 10th to 50th and likely even e.g. 10th to 20th.

The two averages - 35.8 and 37.42 - are close enough together to give evidence that people, on the average, stop commenting on a post once it drops off the front page.

It's a neat bit of napkin math, and I'm all over that sort of thing, but you're drawing a conclusion here that is not meaningful in the way that you're suggesting it is. That comments seem on average to go from trickling slowly in to trickling even more slowly in across the threshold of 50ish posts is a footnote to the fact that they go from streaming in at 1-10 to trickling at 40-50.

What's the average commenting rate in posts at the time that they're holding position 40 vs. 50? Position 50 vs. 51? 51 vs. 60? These are the numbers that will tell us something about the significance of the pagination effect. The delta in the rate there is our answer, but (and I am putting a giant donut on the line here) there is simply no way that that delta will be anywhere near as significant as the delta for similar-magnitude gaps farther up the front page.

I laid out a rough outline of how that can be crunched in an earlier comment; I may do it myself just for kicks, but the infodump is available if you'd like to have a go at it yourself.

I belabor this point not because I feel all that strong about the outcome of the numbers (I'm fairly confident of my basic assessment but I'd be delighted to see the situation properly quantified regardless of the results and I don't have a lot invested in being proven right) but because it feels like you're being kind of insistent about what seems like a very secondary effect.

It's not a big deal if there are a proportionally very few fewer comments that trickle into posts at position 50-75 or whatever because they're on page 2; the returns there are very much in the territory of diminishing, and that's fine. There are lots of ways for folks to keep track of what's going on on mefi other than scanning the front page (and, implicitly, refusing to click "Older posts"). We've got an RSS feed, tag-based feeds for folks who want to follow a specific subject, a sidebar for bright spots, a popular favorites page and feed, metatalk, the biweeklyish podcast, etc. We've also got ridiculously friendly search coverage; Google really seems to like Metafilter. We're pretty solid on the people-finding-stuff-on-Metafilter angle, compared to the speculative gain of making the front page longer than it is.

Allow parameters for Metafilter Random that would only, say, bring up more recent pages.

The Random function is more of a lark than something we're likely to bulk up, I think. We're likely to work on a snazzy parameterized site search as far as work in that neighborhood goes.

You could always generate random numbers in an acceptably-recent range and spit out manual urls that way. 50000-80000 would cover the range from early 2006 to very recently, and http://www.metafilter.com/xxxxx/ will serve you up a thread thus. And deletions account for maybe 6% of all posts if I remember right, so your hit rate will be much better than pounding random.

And yeah, the infodump files are much beefier than Excel is capable of dealing with in general. You have my sympathies if Excel is what you're stuck with.

What I'm often looking for is the one comment from somebody who has special knowledge about the content of the post. If posts are only noticeable for about a day and a half and that special somebody forgets to check Metafilter during that window then I'm likely to lose that valuable comment.

It's a risk, but I maintain that it's a small one. We'll never be able to eliminate providence from the equation, but per above there are a lot of tools that raise the overall visibility of "dead" posts past just what's on the front page, and even at that the lower end of the front page, as measured (anecdotally still, yes) by commenting rate is already well into long tail territory. Making the tail longer would have only the most incremental of effects on that brand of visibility.
posted by cortex (staff) at 7:48 PM on March 20, 2009

"All I could think is "Gee, I'm sure your God appreciates that his agonizing death is remembered in such a gimmicky way.""

"C'mere, kid, I got a Bill Hicks routine that'll blow your mind."
posted by klangklangston at 8:52 PM on March 20, 2009

Thanks for the response, cortex. Your point is well taken.

I'm willing to believe that the comments drop off according to some power law that results in far fewer incoming comments the more the post position increases. It's what I would expect from some other similar situations. And I'm arguing that a really long tail could be a good thing.

If most of the comments come when the post is at positions 1 to 10 and we assume that posts are made at equally spaced intervals and that there are indeed on average 37.42 hours worth of posts on the front page, we have to conclude that most comments are made within 7.5 hours after the post has been posted. I can't believe that the best comments will necessarily happen during any particular third of the day. So some of the best comments will have to happen along the tail. The longer the tail, the better chance of catching a great comment.

On the other hand, there are costs associated with maintaining a long tail and I certainly wouldn't presume to tell you how to bear those costs. Server load is one cost (whatever it would cost to provide a few more kilobytes off the same HTTP request.) It may also be important to maintain a sense of "freshness", so you don't have old posts sitting around in plain sight for days and days... but it's hard to quantify that. All in all, there are times when you just have to go with your gut. I'm guessing that's what you did when you picked 50 instead of, say, 49 or 51.

There are lots of ways for folks to keep track of what's going on on mefi other than scanning the front page

Yes, and thanks for that! I'm curious if people really use them as much as they use the front page.

deletions account for maybe 6% of all posts if I remember right

It was around 11% last year; 1132 deletions out of 10,053 posts. (Ah, I miss the election already!)
posted by twoleftfeet at 9:05 PM on March 20, 2009

time cat commentdata_mefi.txt | tail +3 |
perl -MDate::Parse -lwane ' ($post,$user) = @F[1..2]; $time = str2time "@F[3..4]" ;'
-e' $comment{$post}{$user} = $time unless exists $comment{$post}{$user}; '
-e 'END { foreach my $post (sort {$a<=>$b} keys %comment) { my @times = sort {$a<=>$b} values %{$comment{$post}}; print "$post @times[0,$#times]" ; } }'
-e 'printf STDERR "$.\r" if 0 == $. % 1e3; '
> firstlastcomment.txt

This makes a file that has the post number, the time of the first comment, and the time the last unique user made their first comment. Ran on my laptop in about fifteen minutes.

Plot of delays between first and last comment, where less than a week, since 2003. Features: some posts (deleted?) have first and last comments very close together; most posts have the first and last commenter join roughly 24 hours apart; there is perhaps a "shelf" since 2006 where people join posts up to two days old, then the tail out to 30 days.
posted by fantabulous timewaster at 9:20 PM on March 20, 2009 [2 favorites]

Nice graph, ft. Characterizes one of the things that I didn't say explicitly, which is that there's probably something heartbeatish about a lot of regular reader-commenter folks' metafilter habits, such that my theorizing about the 1-10 positional stuff notwithstanding, there's probably a 24-hour cycle effect in play as well.

If Bob checks the site when he gets to work in NYC each day, and Alice checks it when she gets home from work in Seattle each day, both are likely to have personal daily spikes in commenting, and that write large across the commenting userbase probably extends the notion of freshness to something like a day-long or so period in aggregate.

I'd say that's a strong argument, if it's a valid theory, for making sure the front page provides new posts with at least a day and change of visibility so that anyone with a daily (but not, like some of us, hourly) mefi habit will have a chance to see most stuff easily when they aren't on vacation or etc. Which is in fact what the current layout provides, and then some days that aren't rocking above-average volume.

I can't believe that the best comments will necessarily happen during any particular third of the day. So some of the best comments will have to happen along the tail. The longer the tail, the better chance of catching a great comment.

Yeah, to be clear, I think we agree about this in principle. I'm pretty comfortable with the current length of that tail for the reasons I've gone on about above, but I'm totally high-fiving you conceptually even as we disagree over this detail of the implementation.
posted by cortex (staff) at 9:53 PM on March 20, 2009

Plot of delays between first and last comment

Very nice. You can see the stronger blue band reaching up to just over a day. I'd bet that it would stretch a little higher if you ignored deletions (which you really should, if you can). So that's excellent evidence for Metafilter threads live for about a day and half.

like some of us, hourly) mefi habit

My God, man! When do you sleep? I waste a third of a day away from mefi on that alone!
posted by twoleftfeet at 10:17 PM on March 20, 2009

Make my muscle car prune colored please
posted by nola at 10:24 PM on March 20, 2009 [1 favorite]

twoleftfeet, it's very uncommon for a to-be-deleted post to live more than about half a day. Removing deleted posts takes away the very short-lived posts along the bottom axis but doesn't change the overall shape otherwise.

Also, if you're dealing with power-law or log-normal distributions, the mean and the mode estimate very different "averages." (This came up incidentally when we talked about comment frequency a week ago.) I don't think your 37-hour average is as descriptive as the existence of a daily rhythm of catching up.

Also interesting: the 24-hour lifetime doesn't change during periods with fewer posts, when the 50 posts on the front page would stretch back further. That suggests that once the front page is "long enough," making it go back further doesn't change much.
posted by fantabulous timewaster at 11:03 PM on March 20, 2009

This is a hobbyhorse (hobbypony?) I've brought up before, but here seems like an appropriate place to flog it again. What about a way to push older threads with still-valid links back onto the front page? Reopen comments on them and allow newer users to see the Old as New again? ClassicFilter?
posted by cgc373 at 11:20 PM on March 20, 2009

I spent a while crunching those numbers too (though ftw seems to have beat me to publication). It took me some fiddling to get a plot against "position on front page" taking deletions into account, but both that histogram and the plot against "time since fpp was posted" are very smooth exponential-looking decays. No obvious breaks at 50 posts, or at 24 hours. There are some obvious wibbles out in the tails from before posts were automatically closed, which I guess I should try filtering out.
posted by hattifattener at 2:32 AM on March 21, 2009

I made some more plots and charts and graphs and idle muttering, in case anyone reads the posts down here.
posted by hattifattener at 4:11 PM on March 21, 2009 [1 favorite]

Awesome, hattifattener. First two graphs make for a pretty stark confirmation of my suspicions.

From the very end:

Or maybe it just takes a moment for a new post to appear on the front page…

That may be part of it. I believe we cache the front page every five minutes, so there's may be a 0-5 minute delay between posting and appearance on the front page.
posted by cortex (staff) at 4:41 PM on March 21, 2009

there's may be a 0-5 minute delay between posting and appearance on the front page.

My posts to the front page always appear instantly, with no delay whatsoever, because they are so totally awesome. Those of you experiencing any delays are posting not-totally-awesome FPPs, and you should try harder from now on.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 6:46 PM on March 21, 2009

The fact that mine also appear instantly invalidates your theory, however.
posted by dg at 1:19 PM on March 22, 2009

Well, dg, there's gonna be glitches here and there in the system...
posted by flapjax at midnite at 5:23 PM on March 22, 2009

Three and four are both arbitrary.

Yeah, tell that to Jesus this Easter Monday.

I would, but I think my people killed him already and as such, I don't even understand this joke.

Three days in hell, four days in hell, meh, what's the difference?

I didn't say it was particularly funny.
posted by Pollomacho at 5:37 AM on March 23, 2009

flapjax at midnite: My posts to the front page always appear instantly, with no delay whatsoever, because they are so totally awesome. Those of you experiencing any delays are posting not-totally-awesome FPPs, and you should try harder from now on.

Heh. That's nothing.

I just finally got around to writing this post, and it was so awesome that it showed up on the front page two years ago.
posted by koeselitz at 9:14 PM on March 23, 2009

The dip at the beginning of the activity plots made me wonder if threads have an incubation period, that is, if it takes a while for people to start commenting. (If this were true, it might suggest that a significant number of people actually read the links before commenting, which would be astonishing news with wide-ranging implications for internet culture in general.)*

Well I'll be.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 11:13 PM on March 23, 2009

Don't get your hopes up too much, MStPT; I think the caching delay Cortex mentions would neatly account for the dip. (Added another graph to the page, but I'm kind of stretching my armchair statistician's knowledge.)

I also need to figure out how to account for posts whose awesomeness defies caching and/or temporal barriers. Cut it out, you guys. Post lamer.
posted by hattifattener at 12:14 AM on March 24, 2009 [1 favorite]

This post dropped off the MetaTalk front page hours ago. If my theory is correct, there will be no further comments after this one.
posted by twoleftfeet at 4:41 AM on March 25, 2009

Ha! I LAUGH at your theory! HA!
posted by flapjax at midnite at 4:51 AM on March 25, 2009

flapjax is a well-known outlier. Disregard him.
posted by twoleftfeet at 5:24 AM on March 25, 2009

And outlier and an outcheat.
posted by cortex (staff) at 7:01 AM on March 25, 2009

I AM AN OUTLIER WHO IS NOT WELL-KNOWN.
posted by SpiffyRob at 7:02 AM on March 25, 2009

outlier and an outcheat.

And I don't know why,
I let you outdo these things to me...
posted by flapjax at midnite at 7:07 AM on March 25, 2009

And so begins this month's game of alphabet, just to fuck with you, twoleftfeet.
posted by fantabulous timewaster at 7:26 AM on March 25, 2009

But that's just mean!
posted by cortex (staff) at 7:52 AM on March 25, 2009

Cortex, don't encourage him.
posted by klangklangston at 7:53 AM on March 25, 2009

DON'T TELL ME WHAT I CAN'T DO
posted by cortex (staff) at 8:01 AM on March 25, 2009

Easy, man, easy...
posted by flapjax at midnite at 8:05 AM on March 25, 2009

Fuck you guys and your stupid alphabet meme.
posted by Plutor at 8:07 AM on March 25, 2009

Grandpa!
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 8:40 AM on March 25, 2009

Hi, jessamyn!
posted by cortex (staff) at 8:47 AM on March 25, 2009

I, like Plutor, don't understand why you people seem to feel the need to do this.
posted by dersins at 9:04 AM on March 25, 2009

Just because.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 9:14 AM on March 25, 2009

Kirth knows known knurling.
posted by klangklangston at 9:37 AM on March 25, 2009

Let's talk about Alan Moore.
posted by cortex (staff) at 9:53 AM on March 25, 2009

My plot succeeded!
posted by fantabulous timewaster at 10:01 AM on March 25, 2009

Narf.
posted by SpiffyRob at 10:18 AM on March 25, 2009

Onarf is onarf, already
posted by Rumple at 10:19 AM on March 25, 2009

Pfft.
posted by quin at 10:21 AM on March 25, 2009

Quin, that's barely a word.
posted by klangklangston at 10:25 AM on March 25, 2009

Rah rah rah!
posted by not_on_display at 10:39 AM on March 25, 2009

Shut up, you.
posted by dersins at 10:56 AM on March 25, 2009

Thou instead!
posted by cortex (staff) at 10:58 AM on March 25, 2009

Up thine, varlet!
posted by klangklangston at 11:02 AM on March 25, 2009

Verily, u.
posted by cortex (staff) at 11:04 AM on March 25, 2009

what
posted by dersins at 11:07 AM on March 25, 2009

Xylol: You can't spell it without LOL.
posted by SpiffyRob at 11:24 AM on March 25, 2009

Yes we can!
posted by carsonb at 11:25 AM on March 25, 2009

"Za" is total Scrabble bullshit, btw. I don't care what the rules say. It's not called "Scrabble: Poochie Edition".
posted by cortex (staff) at 11:35 AM on March 25, 2009

A rant about Scrabble? Really? In these trying economic times? Where are your priorities, cortex?
posted by dersins at 11:42 AM on March 25, 2009

But he does raise a good point. Just sayin'.
posted by quin at 11:49 AM on March 25, 2009

Can you try to run the top of the container under hot water? It's possible that there's a little bit of dried maple syrup under the lid, and by running it under hot water for a minute or two, the lid will expand slightly, and the syrup itself will soften. That might be enough to do the trick.
posted by Plutor at 11:57 AM on March 25, 2009

Damnit, wrong thread.
posted by Plutor at 11:57 AM on March 25, 2009

Every thread is a maple syrup thread.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 12:18 PM on March 25, 2009 [1 favorite]

For reals? Awesome!
posted by dersins at 12:48 PM on March 25, 2009

Grade B rules, grade A drools, fyi.
posted by dersins at 12:49 PM on March 25, 2009 [1 favorite]

Kirth knows known knurling.

Yes, I do. You want diamond, or straight?
posted by Kirth Gerson at 12:51 PM on March 25, 2009

How dare you interrupt Alphabet Time, Kirth???
posted by SpiffyRob at 1:15 PM on March 25, 2009

I think he maybe didn't know.
posted by dersins at 1:21 PM on March 25, 2009

Just so we're clear, do you do this knurling by hand, or do you use a CNC machine?
posted by quin at 1:45 PM on March 25, 2009

Kids today, with their baggy pants and their CNC Music Factory and their pogs!
posted by cortex (staff) at 2:11 PM on March 25, 2009

Like you never used a computer-guided laser cutter to make your pogs, cortex.
posted by dersins at 2:15 PM on March 25, 2009

May I take this time to answer the original question?

Why is the front page the size it is?

Because it said its prayers and ate its vitamins.
posted by SpiffyRob at 2:19 PM on March 25, 2009

No. It's the size that it is because it was accidentally irradiated and then exposed to other sundry toxic chemicals. That is how it became a mild mannered web site by day, and a city stomping, death ray breathing monster by night.
posted by quin at 2:29 PM on March 25, 2009

Oh. Well that makes much more sense. Prayer is for suckers.
posted by SpiffyRob at 2:34 PM on March 25, 2009

Pancake-wise, I quite enjoyed the grade b for breakfast last weekend.
posted by klangklangston at 2:50 PM on March 25, 2009

Quite?
posted by dersins at 2:52 PM on March 25, 2009

Spiderfilter has the proportion strength and number of posts of a spider.
posted by cortex (staff) at 2:56 PM on March 25, 2009

RONG ORDER CORTEX CHEEZUS
posted by cortex (staff) at 2:56 PM on March 25, 2009

tut-tut cortex, you should know better. You do control perceptual awareness in the brain, after all.
posted by quin at 3:06 PM on March 25, 2009

Uh, uh, I was, uh, distracted by the, uh, hippocampus?
posted by cortex (staff) at 3:07 PM on March 25, 2009

Verily, was the thing still going?

Engine Lathe
posted by Kirth Gerson at 3:09 PM on March 25, 2009

Why do hippos need higher education?
posted by Kirth Gerson at 3:10 PM on March 25, 2009

X-rays. They want to learn to properly read x-rays. Big into radiology those hippos.
posted by quin at 3:17 PM on March 25, 2009

You mean these HIPPOS?
posted by dersins at 3:24 PM on March 25, 2009

Ziggy played guitar.
posted by twoleftfeet at 4:02 PM on March 25, 2009

And the spiders from Mars as well, but what does that have to do with the price of hippos, maple syrup, or CNC?
posted by dersins at 4:05 PM on March 25, 2009

B grade! I just now learned that there is, in fact, an IHOP in Vermont and they are the only IHOP that sells real maple syrup (extra charge)
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 4:08 PM on March 25, 2009

Crazy-- there's only one IHOP in all of Vermont? It's well above the IHOP-Waffle House line.
posted by dersins at 4:49 PM on March 25, 2009

Don't forget the Vermont Anti-Chain Freedom Act of 1983.
posted by cortex (staff) at 5:04 PM on March 25, 2009

Ever dream of flaming Waffle Houses, dotting the horizon on an endless stretch of interstate? I do. Almost every night. It's a terrible, terrible vision.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 5:13 PM on March 25, 2009

Flaming Waffle Houses, Sonics on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched Checkers glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time... like tears in rain.
posted by dersins at 5:21 PM on March 25, 2009

Great, now I can't think of anything witty.
posted by not_on_display at 5:38 PM on March 25, 2009

hilarity does not ensue, then.
posted by Rumple at 5:48 PM on March 25, 2009

It most certainly does not.
posted by dersins at 5:54 PM on March 25, 2009

Just try a little harder next time, okay?
posted by flapjax at midnite at 6:30 PM on March 25, 2009

Kidding aside, the next post will surely be the last.
posted by twoleftfeet at 7:49 PM on March 25, 2009

Last. This is.
posted by twoleftfeet at 7:49 PM on March 25, 2009

Mayhap 'tis, mayhap 'tisn't.
posted by cortex (staff) at 8:02 PM on March 25, 2009

Nope. 'twasn't.
posted by quin at 8:15 PM on March 25, 2009

OOOOOOOOOOHHHH - klahoma,
where the wind comes sweepin' down the plain...
posted by flapjax at midnite at 8:23 PM on March 25, 2009

Pooooooooocatello... oh never mind...
posted by not_on_display at 8:40 PM on March 25, 2009

Queen, Caribbean.
posted by SpiffyRob at 8:55 PM on March 25, 2009

Run, The: Place on where there is no more love.
posted by SpiffyRob at 9:15 PM on March 25, 2009

Sussudio!
posted by cgc373 at 9:17 PM on March 25, 2009

There ought to be a better way for you people to learn the alphabet.
posted by twoleftfeet at 9:19 PM on March 25, 2009

Up yours.
posted by Burhanistan at 9:26 PM on March 25, 2009

Very funny.
posted by twoleftfeet at 9:46 PM on March 25, 2009

What's all this then?
posted by gingerbeer at 9:56 PM on March 25, 2009

Xkcd sure gets linked alot.
posted by Burhanistan at 9:58 PM on March 25, 2009

You know who else gets linked a lot?
posted by rtha at 10:03 PM on March 25, 2009

Zionists?
posted by Rumple at 10:06 PM on March 25, 2009

Applebee's?
posted by cgc373 at 10:08 PM on March 25, 2009

Bennigan's?
posted by cgc373 at 10:08 PM on March 25, 2009

Carrow's?
posted by cgc373 at 10:09 PM on March 25, 2009

Denny's?
posted by cgc373 at 10:09 PM on March 25, 2009

Egads, man. Leave some for the rest of us.
posted by Burhanistan at 10:10 PM on March 25, 2009

First come, first served, man.
posted by cgc373 at 10:11 PM on March 25, 2009

GOTO 10
posted by not_on_display at 10:15 PM on March 25, 2009

HITLER
posted by Burhanistan at 10:16 PM on March 25, 2009

IHOP has nice syrup.
posted by twoleftfeet at 10:19 PM on March 25, 2009

Jimi!
posted by Burhanistan at 10:23 PM on March 25, 2009

Kimmy!
posted by SpiffyRob at 10:39 PM on March 25, 2009

Lennie!
posted by Rumple at 10:48 PM on March 25, 2009 [1 favorite]

Miss Piggy!
posted by Burhanistan at 10:49 PM on March 25, 2009

Noori!
posted by Rumple at 10:58 PM on March 25, 2009

Ontological discussions can be dubious.
posted by Burhanistan at 11:13 PM on March 25, 2009

Perhaps that's just, like, your opinion, man.
posted by cgc373 at 11:50 PM on March 25, 2009

Quizzicality, the highest scoring Scrabble word, can also be played in other games.
posted by twoleftfeet at 2:34 AM on March 26, 2009

Really? Name one.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 3:51 AM on March 26, 2009

Scrabble 2: Alphabetic Boogaloo.
posted by SpiffyRob at 4:41 AM on March 26, 2009 [1 favorite]

Trivial Pursuit.
posted by not_on_display at 4:51 AM on March 26, 2009

Upwords!
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 5:20 AM on March 26, 2009

V.!
posted by languagehat at 6:34 AM on March 26, 2009

What's going on in here?
posted by grapefruitmoon at 6:39 AM on March 26, 2009

X-Day is a sham. Accept it, you bob-lovin' subgenius tards.
posted by Burhanistan at 6:57 AM on March 26, 2009

Yangtze gondoliers sing a different tune.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 6:59 AM on March 26, 2009

Zambonis are the best. My dad used to drive one.
posted by SpiffyRob at 7:03 AM on March 26, 2009

Anytime I went ice-skating as a kid, I was both thrilled and annoyed by the Zamboni. Thrilled because it's awesome. Annoyed because it meant I had to stop skating.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 7:19 AM on March 26, 2009

Blimey! I always wanted to have a go on a Zamboni (mainly because I hated skating soooo much)
posted by patricio at 7:33 AM on March 26, 2009

Can't you go to the rink and ask the manager nicely if you can take the Zamboni out for a spin? It's never to late to live your dreams.
posted by Burhanistan at 7:39 AM on March 26, 2009

Couldn't drive the Zamboni, as I was way too young, but I used to love riding while pops drove it.
posted by SpiffyRob at 7:40 AM on March 26, 2009

Damnit. Preview is for wimps. Zambonis are not.
posted by SpiffyRob at 7:40 AM on March 26, 2009

Everything is for wimps, including Zambonis.
posted by rtha at 8:15 AM on March 26, 2009

Fanfiction about submissive zambonis available for reasonable rates. Inquire within.
posted by cortex (staff) at 8:21 AM on March 26, 2009

Fuck, I have a "zamboni." It's an orange washcloth. I will give out no further information.
posted by not_on_display at 8:23 AM on March 26, 2009

GREAT GOOGLY MOOGLY!
posted by not_on_display at 8:26 AM on March 26, 2009

How come you people can't preview?
posted by Burhanistan at 8:28 AM on March 26, 2009

It's not so much that we can't, as we won't.

n_o_d: EW.
posted by SpiffyRob at 8:32 AM on March 26, 2009

Just fucking preview already. And enough with the zambonis. Both kinds.
posted by dersins at 8:34 AM on March 26, 2009

Kurt said it best: "God damn it, you've got to be zamboni."
posted by cortex (staff) at 8:40 AM on March 26, 2009

Lordy, can't we talk about something besides zambonis?
posted by rtha at 8:50 AM on March 26, 2009

Masterpieces of Belarussian Art, perhaps?
posted by Rumple at 8:54 AM on March 26, 2009

No, I prefer zambonis.
posted by SpiffyRob at 8:57 AM on March 26, 2009

Only zambonis, ever. That's just the way it works.
posted by cortex (staff) at 8:59 AM on March 26, 2009

Platonic Ideals have been mistakenly compared to Ibn Arabi's Divine Qualities.
posted by Burhanistan at 9:00 AM on March 26, 2009

Qualities more like LOLities amirite
posted by dersins at 9:14 AM on March 26, 2009

RetirementJobs.com
posted by not_on_display at 9:28 AM on March 26, 2009

Surely, being paid to drive the Zamboni day in and day out would become a drag.
posted by Burhanistan at 9:32 AM on March 26, 2009

Things would smooth over pretty quickly, Burhan.
posted by cortex (staff) at 9:34 AM on March 26, 2009

what about that - an ice resurfacer! how very exotic!
posted by UbuRoivas at 9:37 AM on March 26, 2009

Xenon lights on my Zamboni let me keep the ice glass smooth in the darkest of winter nights.
posted by Burhanistan at 9:39 AM on March 26, 2009

UbuRoivas is a letter-skipper!
posted by not_on_display at 9:40 AM on March 26, 2009

Verily. Carry on.
posted by not_on_display at 9:41 AM on March 26, 2009

What the hell, two letters skipped? Get with the program, people! Do we need to have a refresher on the alphabet? Though of course, insisting on the Latin alphabet is awfully alphabet-ist. I like it in the Olympics when they go by the host country's spellings during the parade of nations - especially in the Greek/Chinese ceremonies. It's like I don't even know where I am anymore.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 9:45 AM on March 26, 2009

Xerxes had that same problem.
posted by Burhanistan at 9:53 AM on March 26, 2009

You've never seen Xerxes and grapefruitmoon in the same room, eh? Eh?
posted by cortex (staff) at 9:58 AM on March 26, 2009

Zamboni Joy Riders Busted After Burger Run
posted by Kirth Gerson at 10:01 AM on March 26, 2009

And Zamboni Joy Riders would be a great band name.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 10:02 AM on March 26, 2009

Band name suggestions from quirky snippets are a dubious prospect.
posted by Burhanistan at 10:07 AM on March 26, 2009

Can't blame a guy for trying
posted by Kirth Gerson at 10:12 AM on March 26, 2009

Dave and the Zamboni Joy Riders
posted by Rumple at 10:15 AM on March 26, 2009

Everyone get on the zamboni!
posted by fantabulous timewaster at 10:34 AM on March 26, 2009

Fuck that. I'm riding the streetsweeper.
posted by dersins at 10:35 AM on March 26, 2009

Guns, now
posted by Kirth Gerson at 10:39 AM on March 26, 2009

Hey, you may ride a zamboni or ride a streetsweeper, but sooner or later, you'll dance with the reaper.
posted by SpiffyRob at 10:40 AM on March 26, 2009

I said guns now!
posted by Kirth Gerson at 10:42 AM on March 26, 2009

Jeffrey the Homicidal Mimic should be played by everyone... (though no guns in evidence so far)
posted by patricio at 10:52 AM on March 26, 2009

Kirth, how about some Zamboni slashfic? It has guns! (but no slash)
posted by not_on_display at 11:30 AM on March 26, 2009

(link for above comment)
posted by not_on_display at 11:31 AM on March 26, 2009

Manatees are unable to ride zambonis.
posted by SpiffyRob at 12:11 PM on March 26, 2009

No manatee zamboni drivers?! *sobs* What a sad, sad world we live in.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 12:14 PM on March 26, 2009

O, the huge manatee.
posted by Burhanistan at 12:16 PM on March 26, 2009 [1 favorite]

Perhaps the huge manatee is just, like, your opinion, manatee.
posted by cgc373 at 12:37 PM on March 26, 2009

Recurrence?
posted by Burhanistan at 12:39 PM on March 26, 2009

Quite the letter skipper, aren't you Burhanistan?
posted by dersins at 12:45 PM on March 26, 2009

Raging hormones made me see past Q.
posted by Burhanistan at 12:47 PM on March 26, 2009

Singalong?

And it's 1 2 3 the kids love the monkey!!

yes this is zamboni related
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 12:54 PM on March 26, 2009 [1 favorite]

There is nothing more awesome than The Hockey Monkey song.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 12:55 PM on March 26, 2009

Um. Weird. I just learned that the members of the Zambonis include my middle-school best friend and his older brother, who also produced one of my brother's band's records. The world she is a tiny, strange little place.
posted by dersins at 1:03 PM on March 26, 2009

Very weird. What would be weirder was if your friend was a manatee.
posted by gingerbeer at 1:26 PM on March 26, 2009

What would be weirder?
posted by cgc373 at 1:30 PM on March 26, 2009

Xzibit being a manatee. That would definitely be weirder.
posted by dersins at 1:34 PM on March 26, 2009

It would be weirder if zamboni was a manatee.
posted by UbuRoivas at 1:35 PM on March 26, 2009

Y Kant UbuRoivas Spell?
posted by cgc373 at 1:36 PM on March 26, 2009

Zounds, the eduction system Down Under is worse than I thought!
posted by dersins at 1:38 PM on March 26, 2009

Sblood! Your so wrong!
posted by UbuRoivas at 1:39 PM on March 26, 2009

Another misplaced letter, Ubu? Merdre!
posted by dersins at 1:41 PM on March 26, 2009

Beginning to wonder if he's just being difficult.
posted by cortex (staff) at 1:46 PM on March 26, 2009

Could be all that petrol he's been huffing.
posted by Burhanistan at 1:47 PM on March 26, 2009

Does anyone read the posts down here?
posted by twoleftfeet at 1:49 PM on March 26, 2009

I hope the Postal Service doesn't sack me.
posted by UbuRoivas at 1:50 PM on March 26, 2009

Ever ban anyone for improper alphabetization, cortex? Want to start now?
posted by dersins at 1:53 PM on March 26, 2009

*not in favor*
posted by UbuRoivas at 1:55 PM on March 26, 2009

Feel, now you know how I. Some days.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 1:59 PM on March 26, 2009

Greedo!
posted by Kirth Gerson at 2:31 PM on March 26, 2009

Han.
posted by cortex (staff) at 2:46 PM on March 26, 2009

IG-88 will bust a cap in yo ass.
posted by Burhanistan at 2:47 PM on March 26, 2009

Jabba wan encheekopa aousani asanyee nanyaroska!!
posted by dersins at 3:02 PM on March 26, 2009

Kenobi showed his lightsaber wang..
posted by Burhanistan at 3:04 PM on March 26, 2009

Leia squinted, then laughed.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 3:11 PM on March 26, 2009

Mon Motha was a token feminist character in a sexist narrative.
posted by Burhanistan at 3:14 PM on March 26, 2009

Next you're going to tell me that Lando was a token character, too!
posted by dersins at 3:18 PM on March 26, 2009

...opium token', amirite?
posted by not_on_display at 3:20 PM on March 26, 2009

Palpatine was jealous of Lando's mustache.
posted by Burhanistan at 3:21 PM on March 26, 2009

Pata Pata is the name of a dance
We did down Gauteng way
Everybody starts to move
As soon as Pata Pata begins to play
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 3:22 PM on March 26, 2009

Quahogs in the attic, wouldn't you know?
posted by Kirth Gerson at 3:24 PM on March 26, 2009

Rink ice is getting all marred and uneven. I wonder what could help?
posted by Burhanistan at 3:28 PM on March 26, 2009

rellac eht ni peerc
posted by not_on_display at 3:28 PM on March 26, 2009

Surely, you're stoned.
posted by Burhanistan at 3:33 PM on March 26, 2009

Takes a sunshiny day to knob ice.
posted by cgc373 at 3:35 PM on March 26, 2009

Ubu, sit.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 4:25 PM on March 26, 2009

Vigilance demands we continue posting!
posted by cgc373 at 6:47 PM on March 26, 2009

Why allow a thread to die early?
posted by cgc373 at 6:48 PM on March 26, 2009

Xerox let PARC die early, and now where are they?
posted by cgc373 at 6:48 PM on March 26, 2009

You follow?
posted by cgc373 at 6:49 PM on March 26, 2009

'Zactly.
posted by cgc373 at 6:49 PM on March 26, 2009

Allow me to suggest a theme.
posted by cgc373 at 6:50 PM on March 26, 2009

Birdsongs?
posted by cgc373 at 6:50 PM on March 26, 2009

"Chestnut Mare."
posted by cgc373 at 6:52 PM on March 26, 2009

"Dexterity."
posted by cgc373 at 6:58 PM on March 26, 2009

Dodo
posted by Rumple at 6:59 PM on March 26, 2009

(Editorial commentary at YouTube suggests the previous recording may be misattributed.)
posted by cgc373 at 7:00 PM on March 26, 2009

(Further back than the previous recording, then. Fine.)
posted by cgc373 at 7:01 PM on March 26, 2009

Good grief, cgc373, you messed up my egret song entry. And this egret song, too, which is even better.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 7:06 PM on March 26, 2009

Holy heck, flapjax at midnite! Your second video, it be fun like a fun thing!
posted by cgc373 at 7:18 PM on March 26, 2009

I like egrets a lot.
posted by rtha at 7:55 PM on March 26, 2009

JAI HO!
JAI HO NO!
posted by SpiffyRob at 8:05 PM on March 26, 2009

KAI HO!
CHENG KAI HO!!
KAI HO KAI HO KAI HO WOOOOOOO!
posted by not_on_display at 10:15 PM on March 26, 2009

Lo Ho (Gayi Pooja Iss Ghar)
posted by flapjax at midnite at 10:37 PM on March 26, 2009

Meow meow meow meow
posted by twoleftfeet at 2:30 AM on March 27, 2009

No way, by the way, this thread will ever survive the cutbacks in alphabetization proposed by the Obama administration. If Obama and his socialist cronies have their way, all letters of the alphabet will be considered equal. That means that Q's (previously a minority) will be on equal footing with A's and E's. I urge every right-thinking citizen to write a letter to your congressman about this. Make sure to dot the i's and cross the t's. But avoid the q's.
posted by twoleftfeet at 2:46 AM on March 27, 2009

Republican, eh?
posted by flapjax at midnite at 2:56 AM on March 27, 2009

Only Republicans don't know the alphabet.
posted by twoleftfeet at 2:59 AM on March 27, 2009

Oh. I skipped O. Sorry. And P. And Q. But that's cause I was told to skip Q.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 3:01 AM on March 27, 2009

Only following Orders? That's how civilization breaks down.
posted by twoleftfeet at 3:13 AM on March 27, 2009

Shit, now I don't know which letter to start with.
posted by dg at 4:04 AM on March 27, 2009

Try one and see if it works.
posted by cgc373 at 4:31 AM on March 27, 2009

Uh... that worked.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 5:20 AM on March 27, 2009

Very well, actually.
posted by dg at 5:37 AM on March 27, 2009

not here. did i use the wrong letter?
posted by UbuRoivas at 5:38 AM on March 27, 2009

Well, yes. But I like you a lot, Ubu, so it's cool.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 5:39 AM on March 27, 2009

ok, so i needn't pay any attention to this "penguins fabricated the holocaust in order to cover up their albatrossities" site?
posted by UbuRoivas at 5:49 AM on March 27, 2009

Xray evidence shows that penguins, lacking thumbs, were incapable of building concentration camps. That doesn't mean they didn't try.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 6:51 AM on March 27, 2009

Yezidis are misunderstood.
posted by Burhanistan at 6:54 AM on March 27, 2009

ZOUNDS! Ubu has gone rogue. Continue steady alphabetic progression. Do not be swayed by Ubu's sexy alternative alphabet.
posted by SpiffyRob at 7:16 AM on March 27, 2009

ABBA is just cheesy.
posted by Burhanistan at 7:46 AM on March 27, 2009

BAAL, less so.
posted by cortex (staff) at 7:50 AM on March 27, 2009

Cheddar is the most delicious of all the cheeses.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 7:54 AM on March 27, 2009

Dunno about that, now.
posted by Burhanistan at 7:56 AM on March 27, 2009

Edam is overrated, though.
posted by Burhanistan at 7:56 AM on March 27, 2009

Fromage smells like frogs.
posted by Burhanistan at 7:56 AM on March 27, 2009

Gouda is good.
posted by Burhanistan at 7:57 AM on March 27, 2009

Havarti is best.
posted by Burhanistan at 7:57 AM on March 27, 2009

Just say NO! to Limberger.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 8:21 AM on March 27, 2009

I forgot I! ACK! I think the only worthy punishment is no cheese.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 8:21 AM on March 27, 2009

Ǩ.. Ƙ... o noes my ǩ-ƙey is melting!
posted by not_on_display at 8:47 AM on March 27, 2009

Let's take a moment here to step back, and reassess. We've managed to to skip from H to J, then stepped back to I, then lept ahead to K. Well, Ǩ. Or was it Ƙ ? So what comes next. The astute among you (i.e. everyone but UbuRoivas) will have noted that I chose to proceed on to "L". I'm comfortable with this decision, and trust that the rest of you are as well. That said, but far the most superior of the double cream cheeses is Fromager d'Affinois. Its rich, buttery creaminess far outpaces that of your common Brie, while its milder flavor pairs more readily with a wide variety of wines.
posted by dersins at 8:55 AM on March 27, 2009

Monterrey Jack is a conspiracy.
posted by Burhanistan at 8:57 AM on March 27, 2009

Nacho cheese can barely be considered cheese at all.
posted by SpiffyRob at 8:58 AM on March 27, 2009

Oh whatever, SpiffyRob. That's nacho decision to make.
posted by cortex (staff) at 9:11 AM on March 27, 2009

Punny, cortex. Very punny. Seriously, nacho cheese is a plastic byproduct.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 9:26 AM on March 27, 2009

Queso sauce, cold dead hands, prying. You know the drill.
posted by cortex (staff) at 9:27 AM on March 27, 2009

Ro★Tel is the best part of queso sauce. FYI.
posted by dersins at 9:30 AM on March 27, 2009

S - E - X
posted by Burhanistan at 9:34 AM on March 27, 2009

That's not something I'm familiar with, Burhanistan. Can you elaborate? Does it have something to do with cheese?

Nacho Cheese != Queso Dip. The former could certainly pick up some tips from the latter.

posted by SpiffyRob at 9:48 AM on March 27, 2009

Underwear cheese can be avoided by good hygiene.
posted by Burhanistan at 9:59 AM on March 27, 2009

Vigorous scrubbing amirite
posted by dersins at 10:00 AM on March 27, 2009

Welsh people cultivate it intentionally.
posted by Burhanistan at 10:04 AM on March 27, 2009

X-raying cheese and its implications on the worldwide war on terror.
posted by not_on_display at 10:57 AM on March 27, 2009

Yog Sothoth milk makes great cheese for omelets and pizza.
posted by Burhanistan at 11:07 AM on March 27, 2009

Zambonis drive over the cheese to smooth it out.
posted by SpiffyRob at 11:32 AM on March 27, 2009

Always comes back to Zambonis, doesn't it? WHy do you think that is? What is it with our unnatural fixation on these mechanical marvels of ice-smoothing technology? Is it a primal urge to reduce surface imperfections, or something deeper?
posted by dersins at 11:44 AM on March 27, 2009

Basically it's my fault. I keep getting Z, and I have a very limited vocabulary.
posted by SpiffyRob at 11:48 AM on March 27, 2009

Columbus Blue Jackets are Zamboni-bait
posted by Rumple at 11:51 AM on March 27, 2009

Does this sort of talk give you people zamboners?
posted by dersins at 11:56 AM on March 27, 2009

Eventually it all comes around to zamboners.
posted by cgc373 at 12:26 PM on March 27, 2009

Frank Zamboner?
posted by Rumple at 12:35 PM on March 27, 2009

Get that zamboner circumcised.
posted by Burhanistan at 1:02 PM on March 27, 2009

Hear the world of the Lord. Zambones, zambones, dem dry bones. Zambones, zambones, dem dry bones.
posted by twoleftfeet at 1:14 PM on March 27, 2009

I meant "hear the word of the Lord."
posted by twoleftfeet at 1:15 PM on March 27, 2009

Just for the record, "zamboni" and "x-ray" should be banned from games like this. Too easy.
posted by Burhanistan at 1:18 PM on March 27, 2009

Jake: What I am with Zambonis.
posted by SpiffyRob at 1:21 PM on March 27, 2009

Krap.
posted by SpiffyRob at 1:21 PM on March 27, 2009

Let me also state: THIS IS NOT A GAME.
posted by SpiffyRob at 1:22 PM on March 27, 2009

Metaphysically, our very lives are but a game.
posted by Burhanistan at 1:23 PM on March 27, 2009

Narcissistically, your very lives are but my game.
posted by cortex (staff) at 1:23 PM on March 27, 2009

O RLY?
posted by dersins at 1:24 PM on March 27, 2009

Physiologically, our very lives are but a gamete that got out of hand.
posted by cortex (staff) at 1:29 PM on March 27, 2009

Quizzically, our very birth means our death.
posted by Burhanistan at 1:30 PM on March 27, 2009

Romantically, we try to put our struggles in some kind of meaningful context.
posted by Burhanistan at 1:37 PM on March 27, 2009

Subconsciously, we invent a false narrative that excludes the majority of objective reality.
posted by Burhanistan at 1:38 PM on March 27, 2009

Tragically, Burhanistan appears stuck in a repeating sequence.
posted by dersins at 1:42 PM on March 27, 2009

Untill I switch things up by pointing out that this guy thinks about Jean Seberg WAY TOO MUCH.
posted by dersins at 1:43 PM on March 27, 2009

Very good spelling, me.
posted by dersins at 1:43 PM on March 27, 2009

Wacktastically, we're all wack.
posted by SpiffyRob at 1:49 PM on March 27, 2009

Xerox can help me manage that Jean Seberg collection, right?

I know I already used "Xerox" but seriously, "X"? WTH kind of letter is "X" anyway?
posted by cgc373 at 2:05 PM on March 27, 2009

Xenomorphically, our blood would be acidic.
posted by Burhanistan at 2:06 PM on March 27, 2009

You destroyed it!
posted by Burhanistan at 2:06 PM on March 27, 2009

Zamboni!

jazz hands!
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 2:12 PM on March 27, 2009 [1 favorite]

Amazing how it always comes back to that, huh?
posted by SpiffyRob at 2:20 PM on March 27, 2009

But, basically, it's SpiffyRob's fault. He keeps getting Z, and he has a very limited vocabulary.
posted by dersins at 2:24 PM on March 27, 2009

Can't help that there are Zero other good words that start with z. Zebras and Zephyrs don't come from Zaire, you know.

Wait! 22 people need to post really fast! I can't hold it in!!!!!
posted by SpiffyRob at 2:30 PM on March 27, 2009

Don't hold back.
posted by dersins at 2:32 PM on March 27, 2009

Ease up a little, though.
posted by dersins at 2:32 PM on March 27, 2009

For God's sake, though, don't pull an Ubu.
posted by dersins at 2:33 PM on March 27, 2009

Griefing the alphabet nerds, so cruel.
posted by Burhanistan at 2:42 PM on March 27, 2009

He's like a parade of penises in a Second Life interview.
posted by Burhanistan at 2:42 PM on March 27, 2009

Internet asshats ftw, right? "Give us a break, you fucks" indeed.
posted by dersins at 2:52 PM on March 27, 2009

Jokers make the deck complete, though.
posted by Burhanistan at 2:54 PM on March 27, 2009

'K. Fair enough.
posted by dersins at 3:00 PM on March 27, 2009

LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME
posted by fantabulous timewaster at 3:08 PM on March 27, 2009

mmm... no. No, I'd rather not.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 3:10 PM on March 27, 2009

"No cab, eh, Ted?" I sat up. I put aside the bacon. *
posted by not_on_display at 3:24 PM on March 27, 2009

No? Would you rather look at me? I'm here.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 3:25 PM on March 27, 2009

OK, that sounds better!

*curses lack of inline images on MeFi, just this once*
posted by flapjax at midnite at 3:35 PM on March 27, 2009

Please don't curse. It's fucking impolite.
posted by dersins at 4:28 PM on March 27, 2009

Quite rude, all this g-ddamn cursing.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 4:33 PM on March 27, 2009

Stop calling it cursing. They're swearwords, and you know it.
posted by Sys Rq at 5:00 PM on March 27, 2009

Rq Sys got it wardsback
posted by Rumple at 5:06 PM on March 27, 2009

Too bad, I hid a boot.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 5:17 PM on March 27, 2009

Tenpole Tudor
posted by not_on_display at 5:18 PM on March 27, 2009

U beat me there!
posted by not_on_display at 5:19 PM on March 27, 2009

Verily there are no palindromes beginning with a 'V'
posted by not_on_display at 7:55 PM on March 27, 2009

Wow.
posted by twoleftfeet at 7:58 PM on March 27, 2009

xes sdrawkcab evah elpoep sdrawkcaB
posted by twoleftfeet at 8:01 PM on March 27, 2009

Yup
posted by Burhanistan at 8:06 PM on March 27, 2009

Zombie boner
posted by Burhanistan at 8:06 PM on March 27, 2009

A man, a plan, a canal - Suez.
posted by twoleftfeet at 8:14 PM on March 27, 2009

Bah. I meant Panama.
posted by twoleftfeet at 8:14 PM on March 27, 2009

Can ya dig it? The canal, I mean.
posted by Burhanistan at 8:21 PM on March 27, 2009

Do geese see God?
posted by twoleftfeet at 8:25 PM on March 27, 2009

Ed, I saw Harpo Marx ram Oprah W. aside.
posted by Burhanistan at 8:32 PM on March 27, 2009

Flee to me, remote elf.
posted by Rumple at 9:13 PM on March 27, 2009

God lived as a devil dog.
posted by twoleftfeet at 9:27 PM on March 27, 2009

Hah!

Now I won!
posted by twoleftfeet at 9:41 PM on March 27, 2009

I roamed under it as a tired, nude Maori.
posted by Burhanistan at 9:42 PM on March 27, 2009

Just for a minute, stop fucking around, and ask yourself; is this random shit is the best you guys can come up with? It should flow smoothly, no? Someone not paying close attention should have no idea, right?

Plus, and this should be apparent to anyone paying attention; Geese can't see god because they are fallen. They didn't ride on the Ark. Everyone knows that.
posted by quin at 9:45 PM on March 27, 2009

Kidding rite?
posted by not_on_display at 9:48 PM on March 27, 2009

(Laminate pet animal.)
posted by not_on_display at 9:52 PM on March 27, 2009

Me thinks it's too late for that.
posted by Burhanistan at 9:52 PM on March 27, 2009

Now it would be interesting to try to have an actual "serious" discussion about something using the alphabet thing. It might open some doors into one's own biases if one has to stop and edit their own natural statements and responses.
posted by Burhanistan at 9:54 PM on March 27, 2009

...oh my God—it's full of stars!
posted by not_on_display at 10:12 PM on March 27, 2009

Please go on, burhan!
posted by gingerbeer at 10:28 PM on March 27, 2009

Quite right. Palindromes are quite unsuitable for this sort of game. Unless you can slip one in unnoticed it is better to move on toward better things. Are we not drawn onward, we few, drawn onward to new era?
posted by twoleftfeet at 10:40 PM on March 27, 2009

Right. Quite. Well, it's been a good one but I can see that folks are drifting off, making their way back to their homes to sleep and start another day. So I'll be pulling the drinks and stacking up the chairs. Got to mop the floors. G'night to you all.
posted by twoleftfeet at 11:51 PM on March 27, 2009

Serious conversation often requires more invested time than an alphabet game can command.
posted by cgc373 at 4:37 AM on March 28, 2009

Time? Time is what this thread takes too much of to load.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 4:55 AM on March 28, 2009

Usability then. A comment page shouldn't be any longer than it would take to quickly load. Posts with 5555 comments aren't even usable anymore. There's a natural upper limit to how long these things can last.
posted by twoleftfeet at 5:13 AM on March 28, 2009

Where is it written, this natural limit?
posted by Kirth Gerson at 5:23 AM on March 28, 2009

[Previous comment should be read with German accent.]
posted by Kirth Gerson at 5:24 AM on March 28, 2009

Why is the front page the size it is?
posted by twoleftfeet at 5:30 AM on March 28, 2009 [1 favorite]

X means "ten". Having said that, I think the limit is more than ten. Maybe 500.
posted by twoleftfeet at 5:31 AM on March 28, 2009

You fuckers are NOT going to stick me with Z again.
posted by SpiffyRob at 5:37 AM on March 28, 2009

Zen is a state of mind where you can comment without a post.
posted by twoleftfeet at 5:43 AM on March 28, 2009

Allright. Sorry. I meant Zenboni.
posted by twoleftfeet at 5:44 AM on March 28, 2009

But what is the sound of one Zenboner detumescing?
posted by cgc373 at 5:54 AM on March 28, 2009

Call it what you will, but "detumescing" will always be known to me as "traveling home for apple pie, some warm milk, and a nice snooze by the fire."
posted by twoleftfeet at 6:11 AM on March 28, 2009

Does a dog have Buddha nature? Specifically, does my neighbor's dog, Rex, have Buddha nature? Because I want to strange him for barking at both 3 AM and 6 AM, and it doesn't seem right to strangle the Buddha.
posted by twoleftfeet at 6:12 AM on March 28, 2009

Ever think it's strange to strangle?
posted by twoleftfeet at 6:14 AM on March 28, 2009

Even if the dog has Buddha nature, it's OK to strangle anything that wakes you at 3am. 6am not so much, though.
posted by dg at 6:16 AM on March 28, 2009

For me, anything waking me before noon deserves a strange, at least.
posted by cgc373 at 7:35 AM on March 28, 2009

Gotta chime in here and say I think strangulation is a go. As the famous koan says "If you meet the Buddha on the road, kill the Buddha." If the dog has Buddha nature, I think you gotta strangle him.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 8:25 AM on March 28, 2009

Has the garrote itself the Buddha nature?
posted by cortex (staff) at 8:27 AM on March 28, 2009

I wonder wire you asking.
posted by not_on_display at 9:17 AM on March 28, 2009

Just bored and coiling some time.
posted by cortex (staff) at 9:49 AM on March 28, 2009

koan? stop turning in circles and you will stop boring grasshopper
posted by Rumple at 10:01 AM on March 28, 2009

Lisa Bonet ate no basil.

What's that you say? We're done with palindromes and on to koans? Well, hear the sound of one mind snapping.
posted by twoleftfeet at 1:53 PM on March 28, 2009 [1 favorite]

My mind, it does not snap. It kinda crinkles a little, but it doesn't snap.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 4:45 PM on March 28, 2009

No, that sounds more like crackling.
posted by not_on_display at 5:41 PM on March 28, 2009

Or maybe....
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 5:45 PM on March 28, 2009

Popes oppose pop.
posted by cgc373 at 7:43 PM on March 28, 2009 [4 favorites]

Q? Say what? You want me to come up with a palindrome starting/ending with a fuckin' Q? WTF is the matter with you people?
posted by flapjax at midnite at 8:51 PM on March 28, 2009

Racecar.
posted by twoleftfeet at 9:02 PM on March 28, 2009

Solo gigolos.
posted by twoleftfeet at 9:02 PM on March 28, 2009

These PALINDROMES are makin' me THIRSTY.
posted by cortex (staff) at 11:33 PM on March 28, 2009

Under no circumstances shall any more PALINDROMES appear in this thread before CORTEX gets something to DRINK.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 12:35 AM on March 29, 2009

yeah, he'd scream blue murder for a jar of red rum
posted by UbuRoivas at 2:29 AM on March 29, 2009

Zis is not ze zamboni zat I expected. Izzit?
posted by twoleftfeet at 2:43 AM on March 29, 2009

Anagrams!

METAFILTER = TRITE FLAME
posted by twoleftfeet at 2:50 AM on March 29, 2009

But that supposes an interest in the continuance of a dialogue that is ill-structured without the harsh dogmatism of an alphabetical framework. Wherein do opportunities for personal revelation and sharing reside in such a tightly confined semantic neighborhood? Is is possible that these dialogues are little more than games? Is it possible to bet on these games? Because I'm pretty sure I can predict the first letter of the next comment.
posted by twoleftfeet at 2:59 AM on March 29, 2009

BARRAGING MOAN (boring anagram)
posted by flapjax at midnite at 2:59 AM on March 29, 2009

Concocted Truer I Priory (correct, your prediction?)
posted by flapjax at midnite at 3:02 AM on March 29, 2009

Does anybody read the posts down here?
posted by languagehat at 7:10 AM on March 29, 2009

Evidence would point to no. And yet, we're still posting!
posted by grapefruitmoon at 7:48 AM on March 29, 2009

Face decaf!
posted by cgc373 at 9:00 AM on March 29, 2009

Gnu dung!
posted by Rumple at 9:19 AM on March 29, 2009

Ha ha!

no, wait...
posted by flapjax at midnite at 9:51 AM on March 29, 2009

I see that an anagram for flapjax at midnite is "Fajita And Pelt Mix" -- which happens to be my favorite granola snack!!
posted by not_on_display at 10:40 AM on March 29, 2009

Jumping christ! That's my favorite, too! But, hey, n_o_d... I know your REAL name, and what sort of jackets you prefer! Sure! Plaids_On_Tony!
posted by flapjax at midnite at 10:55 AM on March 29, 2009

Fill like?

Killfile.
posted by cgc373 at 12:06 PM on March 29, 2009

Lame, sorry.
posted by cgc373 at 12:07 PM on March 29, 2009

Metafilter Anagrams = Managerial Matt Serf
posted by Rumple at 12:24 PM on March 29, 2009 [1 favorite]

Nice one, Plumer.
posted by not_on_display at 4:57 PM on March 29, 2009

Or should I say, Mulper?
posted by not_on_display at 4:57 PM on March 29, 2009

Please, don't say Mulper. You can say "enormous flaming marsupials", or even "twinge", but don't say Mulper.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 7:46 PM on March 29, 2009

Quid pro homo
posted by Burhanistan at 8:54 PM on March 29, 2009

Rasta Pasta just opened a new location in my neighborhood. The menu is full of fusion Caribbean Italian dishes, and there's a statue of David with dreadlocks by the door. I recommend the Holy Chalice Jerk Chicken served on fettuccine.
posted by Burhanistan at 10:35 PM on March 29, 2009

*salivates*
posted by dg at 1:24 AM on March 30, 2009

Tortellini Jah Mon
posted by Rumple at 2:03 AM on March 30, 2009

Umami Umami Umami
posted by not_on_display at 5:00 AM on March 30, 2009

Vermicelli
posted by twoleftfeet at 5:27 AM on March 30, 2009

Worms. Little worms. That's what "vermicelli" means. And yet I eat them.
posted by twoleftfeet at 5:30 AM on March 30, 2009

[X] Little Worms
[ ] Big worms
posted by not_on_display at 6:09 AM on March 30, 2009

You see? You see what not_on_display did there? Now that's using the ol' noggin!
posted by flapjax at midnite at 6:18 AM on March 30, 2009

Zamboni!!

* does a litte little soft shoe *
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 6:51 AM on March 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

All this has happened before, and will happen again....
posted by rtha at 7:07 AM on March 30, 2009

By now we know that.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 7:14 AM on March 30, 2009

Crack rock
posted by Burhanistan at 8:34 AM on March 30, 2009

Da Caribbean Queen.

I know what you're saying:

Q: Why would you cheat like that?
Because it took me a long time to catch up, and Burhanistan beat me to C, but I still needed to do this.

Q: Why are you linking to the YouTube video of Caribbean Queen again, Rob? You already did that in this thread.

I know, right? But here's the thing. The song was stuck in my head on Wednesday, so I added a link to the video so everyone could suffer with me. But then, Thursday morning, LoveFM, which I wake up to every morning, was playing the song. Ha ha! Small world, right? The unfortunate effect of this was that it got the song stuck in my head to a degree far, far surpassing anything I'd ever experienced before. With the frequency of, say, blinking, I was incapable of not being constantly reminded of the song, day or night, asleep or awake. It was terrible, but luckily, it started to fade over the weekend.

FLASH FORWARD TO THIS MORNING: Again, LoveFM woke me up to the sweet sounds of Caribbean Queen. It has gone way, way beyond a conscious thing at this point. Now it's more like a subconscious body system, like digesting. I may occasionally notice it, when it gets particularly loud, but it's basically just a part of my basic function now. My heart beats as one, I'm sharing the same dream, and my love, now more than ever, is not on the run.

Help.
posted by SpiffyRob at 8:43 AM on March 30, 2009

Even Billy Ocean can't resist the Marcus Garvey Gnocchi at Rasta Pasta!
posted by Burhanistan at 8:49 AM on March 30, 2009

For what it's worth, those cheesy electronic sounds that try to sonically illustrate the lyrics in "Caribbean Queen" just make me giggle.
posted by Burhanistan at 8:50 AM on March 30, 2009

Going to go get some takeout Lion of Judah Lasagna from Rasta Pasta right now!
posted by Burhanistan at 8:52 AM on March 30, 2009

Hashing out my tropical royalty issues in this thread helped a lot. Thanks friends.
posted by SpiffyRob at 9:41 AM on March 30, 2009

I can't wait to stop by Rasta Pasta tonight!
posted by Burhanistan at 9:49 AM on March 30, 2009

Jah Mocha Gelato is good.
posted by Burhanistan at 9:52 AM on March 30, 2009

Kindly, sir, I beseech you: NO ANCHOVIES, PLEASE!!
posted by not_on_display at 9:55 AM on March 30, 2009

Let it be known that J. Geils Band and Rasta are diametrically opposed.
posted by Burhanistan at 9:58 AM on March 30, 2009

Munching on Marcus Garvey Macaroni. Mmm!
posted by Burhanistan at 9:59 AM on March 30, 2009

Next on "Should I Eat This?": Dreadlock Ravioli!
posted by not_on_display at 10:15 AM on March 30, 2009

OMG are you people still at this? And you've been doing it all weekend? Thank fuck I don't have the internets at home.
posted by dersins at 10:24 AM on March 30, 2009

Puh-leeeeez. Home is what the internet was made for.
(...Or the other way around. I should google that.)
posted by not_on_display at 10:53 AM on March 30, 2009

Quixotic of me, perhaps, but I believe my life is significantly enriched by having neither internets nor cable television at home.
posted by dersins at 11:01 AM on March 30, 2009

Real life Rasta Pasta! I should've guessed there would be one. I got the idea once when I drove by some dorky Italian take out place that looked like a Starbucks and I was blaring The Congos.
posted by Burhanistan at 11:10 AM on March 30, 2009

Some of us are less involved than others.
posted by fantabulous timewaster at 11:13 AM on March 30, 2009

There's another Rasta Pasta in Belize, on Caye Caulker. I've actualy eaten there!
posted by dersins at 11:30 AM on March 30, 2009

Unlikely as it sounds, Uarribbean-inflected Mediterranean food is actually pretty good.
posted by dersins at 11:32 AM on March 30, 2009

Veal is probably off the menu.
posted by Burhanistan at 11:34 AM on March 30, 2009

Why do all the catchy names have to be already taken? I was going to grow my dreds out and get a SBA loan.
posted by Burhanistan at 11:35 AM on March 30, 2009

You could still choose a name like "Bufala (Mozzarella) Soldier" or "No Garlic No Cry."
posted by dersins at 11:41 AM on March 30, 2009

Xcellent way to pull an Ubu, me.
posted by dersins at 11:41 AM on March 30, 2009

Zion Juice
Ingredients
1 lb (450 g) carrots
1 pt (550 ml) water
1 pt (550 ml) milk
3 tbs condensed milk
1 tsp rosewater
1/2 tsp freshly grated nutmeg
molasses or raw cane sugar
Method
Peel and finely grate the carrots. Add the grated carrots to the water.
Strain the mixture through a sieve lined with muslin (or fine cloth),
gathering up the muslin once the liquid has drained through and
squeezing out all the juices. Repeat this process then disgard the carrots.
Stir the milk, condensed milk,rosewater and nutmeg into the carrot liquid.
Add molasses or raw cane sugar to taste.
posted by Burhanistan at 11:45 AM on March 30, 2009

Anyone here actually know how the alphabet goes? We seem to be struggling with it.
posted by Plutor at 11:52 AM on March 30, 2009

Banana Porridge
Ingredients
3 green bananas
1 pt (550 ml) water
1/2 pt (275 ml) coconut milk
1/2 tsp ground cinnamon
1/2 tsp freshly grated nutmeg
2 tbs wholemeal flour
milk or water
raw cane sugar
Method
Peel the green bananas and slice off both ends. Grate or blend the
bananas in an electric blender. beat in the water and coconut milk until the
mixture is smooth. Pour into a saucepan. Over a gentle heat bring the
mixture to a boil and simmer for 15-20 minutes until cooked. Add the
cinnamon, nutmeg and flour which should be blended to a thin with milk or
water. Stir while the porridge thickens and cook for a further 10 minutes.
Serve hot sprinkled with sugar.
posted by Burhanistan at 11:54 AM on March 30, 2009

Cinnamon Apple Apricot Cake for PassoverⓀ
Ingredients:
Apple Layer:
* 1/4 cup sugar
* 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
* 1/4 teaspoon nutmeg
* 5 large apples, peeled, cored, and sliced thin
* 6 dried apricot halves, coarsely minced
Cake:
* 3/4 cup matzoh cake meal
* 3/4 cup white granulated sugar
* 1/3 cup vegetable oil
* 3 eggs, separated
* 2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract
* 2 teaspoons finely grated lemon zest (use a microplane)
* 1/4 teaspoon kosher salt
Topping:
* 1/3 cup walnuts, finely chopped
* 2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
* 1/2 teaspoon sugar

Preparation:
Preheat oven to 350 F. Grease a 9-inch springform pan.
Whisk together sugar, cinnamon, and nutmeg. Add to apples and apricots. Toss to coat. Set aside.
In a medium bowl, whisk together matzoh meal and sugar. Add oil, egg yolks, vanilla, and lemon zest, beating on medium speed until smooth.
Whip the egg whites and salt in a separate bowl until stiff and glossy. Stir one large spoonful of the egg whites into the matzoh mixture, then fold in the rest.
Spoon half of the batter into the prepared springform pan. Arrange sliced apples in a circular pattern on top of the batter. Sprinkle any remaining apricots on top. Finish with the rest of the batter.
Whisk together walnuts, cinnamon, and sugar. Sprinkle on top of the cake. Bake 50 to 55 minutes.
Yield: 8 to 10 servings
posted by not_on_display at 12:17 PM on March 30, 2009

Dinnertime!
posted by fantabulous timewaster at 12:22 PM on March 30, 2009

Eat this:

Crispy potato-wrapped salmon with mustard butter sauce.
Serves 2.

1 large russet potato
3/4 lb to 1 lb center cut salmon fillet, skin (and pin bones!) removed
vegetable oil (canola or grapeseed or something like that. olive oil won't work for low-smoke-point-related reasons)
1 bunch of fresh spinach, stemmed (if you use baby spinach, you don't need to remove the stems...)
half a stick of butter
1 Tablespoon olive oil
Juice of 1/2 lemon
1 Tablespoon water
1 Tablespoon whole-grain mustard
Salt & Pepper

Peel potato, then use a cross-cut peeler to shave wide, paper-thin slices off the potato. I find this to be easiest if you start with the biggest potato you can find, slice off the very ends and the sides, ending up with, essentially, a rectangular peeled potato as wide as the blade on your cross-cut peeler.

Slice salmon fillet crosswise into three pieces, each around 3/4" to 1" wide.

Season salmon with salt and pepper, then wrap each piece in potato slices, overlapping as needed.

Heat 1/4" vegetable oil in a skillet until very hot (but not smoking!)

Carefully place wrapped salmon pieces into oil, and cook about 3 minutes, until potato has turned golden and crispy. Carefully turn over and cook the other side for another 2 - 3 minutes, until done.

Place on paper towels on plate in an under-200-degree warm oven to drain.

In a large sautee pan, skillet, or whatever, sautee the spinach over medium heat in 1 Tablespoon olive oil until wilted, stirring as neccessary. Should take 1 - 2 minutes. Season spinach with salt & pepper, and transfer to DIFFERENT paper towels on DIFFERENT plate in an under-200-degree warm oven to drain.

Clean out original skillet, and heat lemon juice, water, and mustard over low heat, stirring. Add butter, swirling, to incorporate. Don't let it get too hot, or it will separate. Remove from heat, season to taste with salt & pepper.

On two warmed plates, mound spinach in center of each, and top with 1 1/2 pieces of salmon. Drizzle sauce around the outside.

Serve with an Oregon Pinot Gris or an Italian Vernacchia di San Gimingiano.

Eat.

Drink.

Merriment is down to a personal choice on your part.
posted by dersins at 12:26 PM on March 30, 2009

Frozen Peas
Serves 1

3/4 mug frozen peas

Cover with water, microwave for 3:33. Drain, stir.
posted by SpiffyRob at 1:03 PM on March 30, 2009

Granted, Rasta Pasta wouldn't be true Ital cuisine if it used bleached flour. I've learned more about Rasta diet today just because of this thread.
posted by Burhanistan at 1:23 PM on March 30, 2009

H₂O
ingredients: see above
1) Turn on tap
2) Hold vessel under tap
3) ????
4) PROFIT
posted by not_on_display at 1:35 PM on March 30, 2009

Ice cream.

Wait for power failure.
EAT IT ALL.

Serves: everyone.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 2:06 PM on March 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

Just those who scream for it. The rest can suffice with cake.
posted by Burhanistan at 2:09 PM on March 30, 2009

Kulfi for me, thx. (That's me, screaming)
posted by not_on_display at 2:55 PM on March 30, 2009

Let me out of here!!
posted by languagehat at 3:07 PM on March 30, 2009

Mashed potatoes
1) Mash potatoes.
posted by cortex (staff) at 3:09 PM on March 30, 2009

Nashed Potatoes:
1) Give mashed potatoes to Crosby and Stills
2) Promise them cocaine if they will smear mashed potatoes on Nash.
3) Sit back and enjoy.
4) Run away after you notify them there's no cocaine.
posted by not_on_display at 3:20 PM on March 30, 2009

Oh, Cortex, you fail Mashed Potatoes. You need cream and salt and pepper and a little hot pepper too, at least! Also butter!
posted by klangklangston at 3:26 PM on March 30, 2009

Potatoes, who needs potatoes?

Chilled Horseradish Mashed No-Potatoes

* 1 cup half-and-half
* 2 sticks (8 tablespoons) unsalted butter, cut into tablespoon pieces
* 1 tablespoon salt
* 1/2 teaspoon black pepper
* 1/4 cup drained bottled horseradish

Preparation

Put salted cold water in a 5-quart heavy pot, then simmer, uncovered, 25 minutes. Discard.

While water is simmering, bring half-and-half, butter, salt, and pepper just to a simmer, stirring until butter is melted. Keep hot, covered.

Stir horseradish into hot milk mixture. Pour mixture into ramekins, allow to cool to room temperature, then cover with plastic wrap and place in freezer. Chill 1 hour.

Remove ramekins from freezer, remove plastic wrap, and enjoy.
posted by dersins at 3:36 PM on March 30, 2009

Quality stuff, that, except that 2 sticks of butter is actually 16 Tablespoons. My bad, sorry.
posted by dersins at 3:37 PM on March 30, 2009

Really killed the thread with that one, didn't I?
posted by dersins at 5:25 PM on March 30, 2009

Sure did. Let's talk about things that require a lot of butter! I made Hollandaise Sauce last night. Anything that requires half a stick of butter to make one cup of sauce has to be good. Mmm. I can feel my arteries congealing just thinking about it.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 5:31 PM on March 30, 2009

That's funny. I used to want to open a restaurant called Butterstick. Each entree would require a stick of butter to make. The salmon recipe I listed above would be on the menu, of course.
posted by dersins at 5:40 PM on March 30, 2009

uh huh huh huh... you said "butterstick"...
posted by not_on_display at 6:08 PM on March 30, 2009

Very few recipes call for an entire baby panda.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 6:21 PM on March 30, 2009

What about recipes that call for zambonii?
posted by cortex (staff) at 6:26 PM on March 30, 2009

x_x  Zamboni Cocktail...
posted by not_on_display at 6:39 PM on March 30, 2009 [1 favorite]

You know what tastes better than a zamboni?
posted by twoleftfeet at 8:20 PM on March 30, 2009

Zuppa, frankly.
posted by twoleftfeet at 8:20 PM on March 30, 2009

Alphabet game hostage crisis; Day Eleven?
posted by twoleftfeet at 8:23 PM on March 30, 2009

But we were just swapping recipes and I wasn't paying attention, when were the hostages taken? And if they aren't being used for anything else, can I add them to my chili? I've got this killer flavor I'm going for...
posted by quin at 9:12 PM on March 30, 2009

Chicken Fried Hostages would be better
posted by Rumple at 9:30 PM on March 30, 2009

Dunkin' Hostages
Denny's Grand Hostage Slam
Dairy Hostage.
posted by not_on_display at 9:49 PM on March 30, 2009

Earl's Hostage of Pancakes
posted by twoleftfeet at 9:57 PM on March 30, 2009

For what it's worth, International Hostage of Pancakes would have been funnier.

They do have nice syrup.
posted by twoleftfeet at 9:59 PM on March 30, 2009

gluttons
posted by Rumple at 10:19 PM on March 30, 2009

Hey, where did my butter go?
posted by dg at 1:40 AM on March 31, 2009

I can't believe it's not hostage taking
posted by patricio at 2:25 AM on March 31, 2009

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the butter...
posted by twoleftfeet at 2:47 AM on March 31, 2009

Kraft Hostages and Cheese Cheese and Hostages!!
posted by not_on_display at 5:41 AM on March 31, 2009

Lard. Give the hostages lard.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 5:54 AM on March 31, 2009

Mediterranean Hostage Wrap
posted by SpiffyRob at 7:15 AM on March 31, 2009

NNNAAAMMM!
posted by Burhanistan at 7:17 AM on March 31, 2009

Olestra
posted by Rumple at 8:26 AM on March 31, 2009

PAM
posted by flapjax at midnite at 8:47 AM on March 31, 2009

Quick, hide the manteca!
posted by dersins at 9:01 AM on March 31, 2009

RDF (TMI)
posted by Rumple at 9:09 AM on March 31, 2009

STEAK

Take 1 good Steak and Peper it.
Peper it squarely.
Sizzle the Meat.

Queftion Korner
"Q" Is the Steak Unfatiffactory?
"A" Sizzle the Meat, it muft sizzle.

Is there Unicode to make old-timey curly fs?
posted by SpiffyRob at 9:32 AM on March 31, 2009

There's:
ſ (LATIN SMALL LETTER ESH)
ʃ (LATIN SMALL LETTER LONG S)

Mark me as beʃt anʃwer, pleaʃe.
posted by not_on_display at 9:43 AM on March 31, 2009 [1 favorite]

Unfortunately, I don't have a cabal modem, so I can't Beʃt Anʃwer you, but I'll favorite the ʃhit out of you!
posted by SpiffyRob at 9:51 AM on March 31, 2009

Vermicelli, Fish (Yummy King) .
posted by not_on_display at 10:43 AM on March 31, 2009

Whale arteries are hung in my home windows in lieu of curtains.
posted by Burhanistan at 10:45 AM on March 31, 2009

Xanthan Gum: Bodying Agent, Bulking Agent, Emulsifier, Foaming Agent, Gelling Agent, Stabilizer, Suspending Agent, Thickener, Whipping Agent
posted by Rumple at 10:54 AM on March 31, 2009

Yashar
posted by Burhanistan at 11:00 AM on March 31, 2009

Zamboni!

* bows *
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 11:01 AM on March 31, 2009 [1 favorite]

Alluvial fans are pretty neat from space.
posted by Burhanistan at 11:02 AM on March 31, 2009

Burhanistan, so are sandhills.
posted by dersins at 12:09 PM on March 31, 2009

Colorado is, too.
posted by not_on_display at 12:24 PM on March 31, 2009

Dike!
posted by Burhanistan at 12:35 PM on March 31, 2009

Espana, from a balloon.
posted by gingerbeer at 2:06 PM on March 31, 2009

FJORDS!
posted by SpiffyRob at 2:53 PM on March 31, 2009

Giant from space!
posted by Burhanistan at 3:07 PM on March 31, 2009

Zamboni!

too soon?
posted by team lowkey at 3:17 PM on March 31, 2009

Hell you say!
posted by Burhanistan at 3:18 PM on March 31, 2009

Is it thirty days yet?
posted by Burhanistan at 3:18 PM on March 31, 2009

Just shy of it, Burhanistan. (And by "just" I mean "twenty days".)
posted by dersins at 3:24 PM on March 31, 2009

KILLFILE!




This is in the right place this time, right?
posted by cgc373 at 4:31 PM on March 31, 2009

Losers.
posted by languagehat at 4:43 PM on March 31, 2009

LAMER!
posted by dersins at 4:45 PM on March 31, 2009

*mocks dersins for being a day late and an alphabet short*
posted by languagehat at 4:46 PM on March 31, 2009

Now, languagehat, there's no need for mockery.

You ostentatious nincompoop.
languagefat lol
posted by dersins at 5:34 PM on March 31, 2009

Ostentatious is an anagram of sustentation.
posted by twoleftfeet at 5:44 PM on March 31, 2009

Please stop with the anagrams. They remind me of the Jumbles section of the newspaper which was always next to that abomination Family Circus.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 5:51 PM on March 31, 2009

Qui es mas macho? Bil Keane?
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 5:54 PM on March 31, 2009 [1 favorite]

Rim us, icy calf = family circus
posted by Rumple at 6:44 PM on March 31, 2009

Really, jessamyn. You couldn't include an "r" so the next comment could anagram Qui es mas macho? Bil Keane? into, e.g., Maniacal Be Sheik Mosque? But with an "r" somewhere?
posted by cgc373 at 6:45 PM on March 31, 2009

Stuff it, Rumple!
posted by cgc373 at 6:46 PM on March 31, 2009

This is my last MeFi related comment until Sunday. No really. I am going into the darkest reaches of a land with NO INTERNET. Send the longboat for me if I don't come back.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 8:31 PM on March 31, 2009

Úloha!!
posted by not_on_display at 8:34 PM on March 31, 2009

Very well. You want Family Circus, you get Family Circus.
posted by gingerbeer at 9:18 PM on March 31, 2009

Weezer suuuuucks
posted by Burhanistan at 9:22 PM on March 31, 2009

X
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 10:16 PM on March 31, 2009

Y
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 10:17 PM on March 31, 2009

ZAMBONI!!!!

okay I am done...
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 10:17 PM on March 31, 2009

Are you?
posted by klangklangston at 10:31 PM on March 31, 2009

Bets?
posted by cgc373 at 10:44 PM on March 31, 2009

Can't blame her. I think she's had one zamboni too many.
posted by twoleftfeet at 11:07 PM on March 31, 2009

Do you feel blame? Are you mad? Uh, do you feel like wolf kabob Roth vantage? Gefrannis booj pooch boo jujube; bear-ramage. Jigiji geeji geeja geeble google. Do you begep flagaggle vaggle veditch-waggle bagga?
posted by twoleftfeet at 11:07 PM on March 31, 2009

Everyone needs a wolf kabob Roth vantage? Gefrannis booj pooch boo jujube; bear-ramage. Jigiji geeji geeja geeble google.
posted by cgc373 at 12:02 AM on April 1, 2009

Fuck, man. I should be asleep right now and what i'm doing is reading about Zambonis? I need to get my priorities straight.
posted by The Esteemed Doctor Bunsen Honeydew at 1:14 AM on April 1, 2009 [1 favorite]

Go on, you can stay up a bit longer. You can sleep when you're dead.
posted by dg at 1:25 AM on April 1, 2009

Hmmm... I can't seem to find anything messed up with MetaFilter today. What am I missing? I'm thinking I should hit the "Make It Start" button just to see the pretty colors again.
posted by not_on_display at 4:59 AM on April 1, 2009

I haven't found anything either, though I just logged on.
posted by SpiffyRob at 6:42 AM on April 1, 2009

JOKE IS ON YOU!
posted by Burhanistan at 7:02 AM on April 1, 2009

Kay.
posted by SpiffyRob at 7:41 AM on April 1, 2009

LULZ Gestapo.
posted by Burhanistan at 7:44 AM on April 1, 2009

Man, this is stupid.
posted by The Whelk at 8:06 AM on April 1, 2009

No, you are.
posted by rtha at 8:16 AM on April 1, 2009

Ohhh there's nothing halfway
About the Iowa way we treat you
When we treat you
Which we may not do at all!
posted by SpiffyRob at 8:18 AM on April 1, 2009

pshaw!
posted by The Whelk at 8:27 AM on April 1, 2009

quiet, you... you said this was stupid... but it's so smart that it totally wraps around the chart, each cycle.
posted by not_on_display at 8:48 AM on April 1, 2009

Really. I mean, it's fucking genius.
posted by dersins at 9:02 AM on April 1, 2009

Still stupid.
posted by The Whelk at 9:10 AM on April 1, 2009

The Whelk has a tater face.
posted by Burhanistan at 9:24 AM on April 1, 2009

Uniquely uncouth insults will ultimately be your undoing.
posted by The Whelk at 9:31 AM on April 1, 2009

Very interesting... but stupid.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 9:35 AM on April 1, 2009

Whelk v World
posted by Burhanistan at 9:41 AM on April 1, 2009

X-Men v The Whelk
posted by not_on_display at 9:42 AM on April 1, 2009

¡Y tu Whelk tambien!
posted by klangklangston at 10:08 AM on April 1, 2009

Ze Whelk is getting zinged.
posted by Burhanistan at 10:13 AM on April 1, 2009

Alright already, cut it out.
posted by The Whelk at 10:14 AM on April 1, 2009

But we're having so much fun at your expense, The Whelk.
posted by dersins at 10:32 AM on April 1, 2009

Cankers, the lot of you.
posted by The Whelk at 10:35 AM on April 1, 2009

dersins made a comment about The Whelk two comments ago.
posted by SpiffyRob at 10:52 AM on April 1, 2009

Dd, chll!

whps, wrng thrd.
posted by rtha at 10:52 AM on April 1, 2009

Even the wrong letter, rtha.
posted by dersins at 12:00 PM on April 1, 2009

Fuckin' everyone should get in on the self-parody thread if you're not there already. I love everyone so much more reading through it.

Sidenote: We're totally to the point now where this thread makes Live Preview chug along slowly. Wicked.
posted by SpiffyRob at 12:29 PM on April 1, 2009

Great, this thing is just going to go on forever.
posted by The Whelk at 12:54 PM on April 1, 2009

Heck, thirty days can feel like forever, I agree. It's better that you're here to keep us company.
posted by not_on_display at 1:05 PM on April 1, 2009

Is this the part where our comments rhyme? It seems to be an appropriate time.
posted by SpiffyRob at 1:09 PM on April 1, 2009

Just no. Rhyming blows. Jesus, I should know.
posted by The Whelk at 1:16 PM on April 1, 2009

Klang hasn't posted since the last Y
SpiffyRob's posted the last two Is
Jess and I spar to get the next zamboni
All the time Alph-game would be my pony.
posted by SpiffyRob at 2:13 PM on April 1, 2009

Let's not do the rhyming thing. Instead, let's try to write disguised haiku.
posted by dersins at 2:17 PM on April 1, 2009

Mimes don't rhyme.
posted by twoleftfeet at 2:27 PM on April 1, 2009

Nor do dead men. And I don't see why the twain shouldn't meet, as it were.
posted by dersins at 2:31 PM on April 1, 2009

Oh boy, it's time to
Try to write rhyming haiku.
...aaaaand ummm... that'll do.
posted by not_on_display at 2:43 PM on April 1, 2009 [1 favorite]

Please, we've already
Haiku'ed our souls away in
previous MeTas.
posted by Burhanistan at 2:48 PM on April 1, 2009

Quiet, you! Don't disrespect the power of seventeen syllables!
posted by dersins at 2:52 PM on April 1, 2009

Retards.
posted by The Whelk at 4:39 PM on April 1, 2009

Stop that!
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 5:49 PM on April 1, 2009

Terribly sorry.
posted by fantabulous timewaster at 5:51 PM on April 1, 2009

The Whelk can't stop, Jessamyn. The Whelk is compelled.
posted by dersins at 5:51 PM on April 1, 2009

U JERKFACE T-STEALER!
posted by dersins at 5:51 PM on April 1, 2009

I wish *you* had a bigger front page.
posted by Sys Rq at 6:46 PM on April 1, 2009

V wish you had better knowledge of the alphabet!
posted by not_on_display at 7:09 PM on April 1, 2009

Wishin' and hopin' and thinkin' and prayin'
Plannin' and dreaming each night of his charms
That won't get you into his arms
posted by flapjax at midnite at 7:31 PM on April 1, 2009

X

(we're doing roman numerals, right?)
posted by Sys Rq at 7:52 PM on April 1, 2009

Y do you ask?
posted by klangklangston at 8:03 PM on April 1, 2009

Z human mind zeeks knowledge, zat's why!
posted by flapjax at midnite at 8:15 PM on April 1, 2009 [1 favorite]

Zamboni, that's why!
posted by dg at 8:15 PM on April 1, 2009

Aaaand, with that double Z post, it's time for DOUBLES ALPHABET!
posted by flapjax at midnite at 8:17 PM on April 1, 2009

Any takers?
posted by flapjax at midnite at 8:18 PM on April 1, 2009

But, to match the feat of you and I, the two comments for each letter must be posted at exactly the same time. Don't like your chances.
posted by dg at 8:57 PM on April 1, 2009

Baaah! Don't be defeatist! Mefiers will surely rise to the challenge!





right?
posted by flapjax at midnite at 9:05 PM on April 1, 2009

Coordinated comment posting may be a bit much for the scattered mefites.
posted by gingerbeer at 9:18 PM on April 1, 2009

Crap
posted by klangklangston at 9:38 PM on April 1, 2009

Does that mean we always have to post twice?
posted by klangklangston at 9:39 PM on April 1, 2009

Do we look like postmen?
posted by cortex (staff) at 9:40 PM on April 1, 2009

Enough so that we should always be expected to ring twice.

Or so I've been told by the old lady up the street when I bring her the mis-delivered mail that comes to my house. Then she invites me in for drinks...

and it always gets weird.
posted by quin at 9:49 PM on April 1, 2009

Eegads! It's still going on?
posted by The Whelk at 6:35 AM on April 2, 2009

Fuckin' A it is!
posted by SpiffyRob at 7:01 AM on April 2, 2009

Frak.
posted by The Whelk at 7:11 AM on April 2, 2009

GoBots > Transformers. Discuss.
posted by cortex (staff) at 7:14 AM on April 2, 2009

Good Grief.
posted by The Whelk at 7:17 AM on April 2, 2009

How is this helping?
posted by dersins at 9:09 AM on April 2, 2009

How, how did I get here?
posted by klangklangston at 9:19 AM on April 2, 2009

I got here on the wings of a dove.
posted by rtha at 9:26 AM on April 2, 2009

In your eyes, the light the heat, your eyes.
posted by The Whelk at 9:31 AM on April 2, 2009

Jezebel discusses this Ask Mef... | It's nearly time for the month...
posted by SpiffyRob at 9:36 AM on April 2, 2009

Just a closer walk with thee
posted by flapjax at midnite at 9:39 AM on April 2, 2009

Kant. We can discuss Kant. That's better than this nonsense.
posted by The Whelk at 9:47 AM on April 2, 2009

Krishnamurti is more interesting.
posted by Burhanistan at 9:58 AM on April 2, 2009

Kant. No we kant an' it isnt.
posted by klangklangston at 9:59 AM on April 2, 2009

Late again, klang.
posted by dersins at 10:00 AM on April 2, 2009

Lamentations!
posted by klangklangston at 10:06 AM on April 2, 2009

Man, that is what is best in life, isn't it?
posted by dersins at 10:11 AM on April 2, 2009

Maybe so, maybe not.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 10:33 AM on April 2, 2009

NOT!
posted by not_on_display at 10:44 AM on April 2, 2009

not_on_display posted the comment before this one. It was somewhat eponysterical.
posted by SpiffyRob at 11:09 AM on April 2, 2009

on_display, it was.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 11:25 AM on April 2, 2009

on_dancer, on_prancer, on_vixen
posted by cortex (staff) at 11:32 AM on April 2, 2009

Point of order, actually:

The guy named one of his reindeers "vixen".
posted by cortex (staff) at 11:32 AM on April 2, 2009

Prancer's a little light in the loafers, for what it's worth.
posted by dersins at 11:41 AM on April 2, 2009

Qualms. I have them.
posted by The Whelk at 11:44 AM on April 2, 2009

Qwabs. I do not have them.
posted by SpiffyRob at 11:47 AM on April 2, 2009

Rasta is dead. Long live Rasta.
posted by Burhanistan at 12:08 PM on April 2, 2009

Rasta racecar a tsar.
posted by SpiffyRob at 12:32 PM on April 2, 2009

Stupid rasta racecar a tsar diputs.
posted by dersins at 12:38 PM on April 2, 2009

SpiffyRob, you have to tell me what a Qwab is. Seriously.
posted by The Whelk at 12:41 PM on April 2, 2009

Toenails are vestigial for most of us.
posted by Burhanistan at 12:41 PM on April 2, 2009

THIS THREAD IS CLOSED TO NEW COMMENTS
posted by The Whelk at 12:45 PM on April 2, 2009

Un-closed so we can bring you more bashing of The Whelk.
posted by Burhanistan at 12:48 PM on April 2, 2009

(Unicorn rapist that he is.)
posted by Burhanistan at 12:49 PM on April 2, 2009

Very funny, The Whelk! Now, what did you do to that unicorn?
posted by languagehat at 12:55 PM on April 2, 2009

Vengeance will be mine!
posted by The Whelk at 12:56 PM on April 2, 2009

Whelk, The: I do not know what Qwabs are. I don't have them. Duh.
posted by SpiffyRob at 12:58 PM on April 2, 2009

Whining! Wailing! Wegretting!
posted by The Whelk at 1:00 PM on April 2, 2009

Xavier McDaniel says stop your whining, The Whelk.
posted by dersins at 1:12 PM on April 2, 2009

Xamine Your Zipper!
Yes, Zamboni Always!
Zippity... aaaaah BOP.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 1:31 PM on April 2, 2009

You guys think jessamyn's high right now?

My basketball nickname was "X" after Xavier McDaniel.
posted by SpiffyRob at 1:33 PM on April 2, 2009

You were always cold chokin' dudes, weren't you?
posted by dersins at 1:34 PM on April 2, 2009

BAMZONI.

DAMNIT.
posted by SpiffyRob at 1:40 PM on April 2, 2009

Zippy the Pinhead was pretty good, sometimes.
posted by The Whelk at 1:40 PM on April 2, 2009

And yet Ziggy was not.
posted by SpiffyRob at 1:48 PM on April 2, 2009

But are we still doubling up on the letters? Because I'm hoping for a triple letter score.
posted by twoleftfeet at 8:22 PM on April 2, 2009

Count me out of the doubling. Keep it simple. Alphabets only have one of each letter. Maintain order. Stay calm. Do not allow your enthusiasm to cloud your judgment. Put one letter after another, in a calm, orderly fashion. For example, the next letter would be "E."
posted by cgc373 at 8:34 PM on April 2, 2009

Dammit!
posted by cgc373 at 8:34 PM on April 2, 2009

Can we go backwards now?
posted by Rumple at 8:58 PM on April 2, 2009

But that would be against all the laws of God and man.



OK!
posted by flapjax at midnite at 9:09 PM on April 2, 2009

Apostasy is called for, clearly.
posted by Rumple at 9:23 PM on April 2, 2009

ZOMG INFIDELS!
posted by Burhanistan at 9:25 PM on April 2, 2009

You might expect the Spanish Inquisition to turn up now.
posted by Rumple at 10:18 PM on April 2, 2009

Xylophonists do it with hammers.
posted by Burhanistan at 10:20 PM on April 2, 2009

Woodwinds do it with breath control.
posted by cortex (staff) at 10:21 PM on April 2, 2009

Violists do it in spite of the violinists cockblocking best efforts.
posted by Burhanistan at 10:27 PM on April 2, 2009

Uyghur Tämbürists do it on the dusty plains.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 10:35 PM on April 2, 2009

Trombonists do it with a spit valve.
posted by Rumple at 10:37 PM on April 2, 2009

Saxophonists do it for just one more chorus, man, just one more chorus.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 10:43 PM on April 2, 2009

Recorder players do it with their thumb on the rear hole.
posted by Rumple at 10:56 PM on April 2, 2009

Quire doesn't mean what I wish it meant, so I could do a joke in reverse alphabetical order about the ways choral singers do it.
posted by cgc373 at 11:08 PM on April 2, 2009

Choral singers do it vocally?
posted by rjs at 11:59 PM on April 2, 2009

Please stick to the alphabet!

Pianists use their fingers a lot.
posted by dg at 12:07 AM on April 3, 2009

Organ grinders grind organs
posted by Rumple at 12:24 AM on April 3, 2009

Ondes Martenot-ists use lots of cool looking speakers.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 12:25 AM on April 3, 2009

Oops, double.

Now it's a triple.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 12:25 AM on April 3, 2009

Normally, I'd say, "No, now it's a triple," but that's not musician-y innuendo, is it?
posted by cgc373 at 12:53 AM on April 3, 2009

Musicians do it with instruments, amirite?
posted by cgc373 at 12:54 AM on April 3, 2009

Lone sharks do it with considerable interest (and some occasional violence).
posted by rjs at 1:02 AM on April 3, 2009

Kubing players do it with sugar palm leaves.

('k, I get it now.)
posted by rjs at 1:13 AM on April 3, 2009

Jew's harp players do it with a bwaaaaang and a boing
posted by flapjax at midnite at 2:23 AM on April 3, 2009

I don't know if I'm coming or going.
posted by twoleftfeet at 2:28 AM on April 3, 2009

Hey, twoleftfeet, is it so much to ask you should keep with the musical instruments theme? Is it SO MUCH TO ASK?
posted by flapjax at midnite at 2:29 AM on April 3, 2009

Golley, flapjax, I thought we were still doing rhymes.
posted by twoleftfeet at 2:37 AM on April 3, 2009

Flautists flaunt it....

Yeah, it's not really a "do it". Because "flaunt" is not a synonym of "do". Nonetheless, I would argue that flaunting and doing were two sides of the same idiographic root; an atomic semantic unit derived from the essential outflow of neuronal impulse in projecting an externalization of an internal gestalt.
posted by twoleftfeet at 2:46 AM on April 3, 2009

Existentialists do it whether or not they're musicians.
posted by cgc373 at 4:26 AM on April 3, 2009 [1 favorite]

Didjiridooists didjiridoo it.
posted by twoleftfeet at 4:29 AM on April 3, 2009

Clappers do it with their hands.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 4:45 AM on April 3, 2009

Bells have clappers.
posted by twoleftfeet at 5:15 AM on April 3, 2009

Alphornists do it looooooong.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 5:20 AM on April 3, 2009

Berimbauists do dong ching do dong ching ching.
posted by UbuRoivas at 5:26 AM on April 3, 2009

Ching dong is nothing to laugh about.
posted by twoleftfeet at 5:53 AM on April 3, 2009

'deed it is, twoleftfeet, 'deed it is! Ching dong is big fun, and laughing is not frowned on! And you see that bald-headed saxophonist at the very beginning of your liked YT clip? That's my buddy and co-conspirator Umezu Kazutoki, who I've worked with a lot over the years! Some of the other folks in that clip, too, are friends and sometimes collaborators as well.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 6:40 AM on April 3, 2009 [1 favorite]

Ethnomusicologists listen to other people do it and draw conclusions about their societies as a result.
posted by SpiffyRob at 6:47 AM on April 3, 2009 [2 favorites]

Funny. I just thought they liked posing for pictures next to native Americans in full tribal gear singing into recording devices.
posted by quin at 8:33 AM on April 3, 2009

Go tell that to this guy, quin.
posted by dersins at 9:14 AM on April 3, 2009 [1 favorite]

Hell hath no fury like an ethnomusicologist scorned.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 9:20 AM on April 3, 2009

I know, right? You piss off an ethnomusicologist and he'll probably send a couple of fiddle-hittin' Métis to get anthropological on your ass.
posted by dersins at 9:35 AM on April 3, 2009

Jeremiah was a bullfrog. Ethnomusicalize that.
posted by Rumple at 9:41 AM on April 3, 2009

Killers do it to death.
posted by not_on_display at 10:22 AM on April 3, 2009

Linguists do it with their tongues.
posted by Burhanistan at 10:33 AM on April 3, 2009

Mentalists do it by distorting your perception of reality.

...OR DO THEY?!?!
posted by SpiffyRob at 11:22 AM on April 3, 2009

No. Based on the hypnotic spinning disk I was shown, mentalists do it by being incredibly attractive and charismatic people. They also deserve all our money.
posted by quin at 12:24 PM on April 3, 2009

Otolaryngologists do it in the ear, nose and throat.

Sick bastards.
posted by dersins at 12:49 PM on April 3, 2009

Presbyterians do it decently and in order.
posted by carsonb at 12:50 PM on April 3, 2009

Owls do it with mice in their bellies.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 12:50 PM on April 3, 2009

Quiet! Librarians do it out of alphabetical order....
posted by dersins at 12:54 PM on April 3, 2009

Rasta Pasta does it with noodle dishes named after famous Jamaicans.
posted by SpiffyRob at 1:04 PM on April 3, 2009

Scientists do it with their graduate students.
posted by Rumple at 1:14 PM on April 3, 2009

Thanatologists do it to death.
posted by dersins at 1:34 PM on April 3, 2009

Ugly people do it, but I don't want to watch.
posted by twoleftfeet at 1:38 PM on April 3, 2009

Venus Williams screams when she does it.
posted by SpiffyRob at 1:55 PM on April 3, 2009

White people do it with invisible backpacks.
posted by klangklangston at 2:00 PM on April 3, 2009

Xenu did it to the thetans.
posted by quin at 2:06 PM on April 3, 2009

X-rated movie people do it and give us all unrealistic expectations about sex and body image (also body hair)
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 2:09 PM on April 3, 2009

You do it just right.
posted by carsonb at 2:09 PM on April 3, 2009

Zambonis do it smoothly and noisily!
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 2:10 PM on April 3, 2009 [1 favorite]

A quick brown fox does it while jumping over a lazy dog.
posted by dersins at 2:31 PM on April 3, 2009

Biographers do it in retrospect.
posted by cortex (staff) at 2:39 PM on April 3, 2009

People with OCD do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and do it, and then do it one more time, just to be certain.
posted by UbuRoivas at 2:40 PM on April 3, 2009

Confused people do it out of order.
posted by carsonb at 2:45 PM on April 3, 2009

Confused people out do order it of.

That you fixed for.
posted by UbuRoivas at 2:47 PM on April 3, 2009 [1 favorite]

Downunder, people do it underdown.
posted by dersins at 2:48 PM on April 3, 2009

Even educated fleas do it.
posted by quin at 2:51 PM on April 3, 2009

There was a young girl from Nantucket
Who did it with contents of buckets
Imagine her shock:
A bucket of cocks!
"Oh well, whatever, just fuck it!"
posted by UbuRoivas at 2:52 PM on April 3, 2009 [1 favorite]

Fuck Ryan out loud, Ubu, you're doing it wrong.
posted by carsonb at 3:09 PM on April 3, 2009

Ubu does it noisily with Ryan.
posted by UbuRoivas at 3:15 PM on April 3, 2009

Gorillas circumcise their young when they're sure primatologists aren't looking.
posted by Burhanistan at 3:16 PM on April 3, 2009

Polar bears use penguins as toilet paper because there are no bodegas on the icebergs.
posted by UbuRoivas at 3:23 PM on April 3, 2009

Horny people can, but usually don't, do it with horns.
posted by twoleftfeet at 3:34 PM on April 3, 2009

I think... no, I know that penguins make lousy toilet paper.

They make your butt smell like fish and wet bird.
posted by quin at 3:36 PM on April 3, 2009

butts already smell like fish and wet bird, don't they?
posted by UbuRoivas at 3:50 PM on April 3, 2009

Jesus, the aussie's drunk again. Isn't it bedtime, Ubu?
posted by dersins at 4:00 PM on April 3, 2009

Saturday morning breakfast beer.
posted by UbuRoivas at 4:20 PM on April 3, 2009

Kleptomaniacs do it down their pants.
posted by not_on_display at 6:58 PM on April 3, 2009

koala-fucking stubby-sucking shrimp-shucking sheila-rucking illiterate drunken convict's great-niece's underwear ducking FOOL
posted by Rumple at 7:01 PM on April 3, 2009

Later, Thomas returned to the beach where he and Cindy had spent those wonderful moments. "Tom," she had said, "never leave me alone on this beach, wet and cold." "I won't" he promised. But he knew deep down that his feelings for Cindy didn't go far enough to prevent him from ditching her on the beach, alone, huddled near a crude fire made of driftwood.
posted by twoleftfeet at 8:52 PM on April 3, 2009

what's a shrimp?
posted by UbuRoivas at 8:55 PM on April 3, 2009

Minutes went by, then Tom swallowed his guilt over leaving Cindy to die, along with a bite of her dessicated calve muscle.
posted by Burhanistan at 8:58 PM on April 3, 2009

"Nom nom nom," grunted Tom.
posted by not_on_display at 9:03 PM on April 3, 2009

oh, we're talking about tom cruise, right? you guys lost me for a second there.
posted by UbuRoivas at 9:06 PM on April 3, 2009

Prison had taught Tom three things:
posted by Rumple at 9:53 PM on April 3, 2009

Quotation was the first thing. If he wanted anybody to respect him, he had to stop finger-waving those fucking air-quotes, or he was going to keep getting fists to the face, every one of which represented a serious risk to his magnificent schnozz.
posted by cgc373 at 10:16 PM on April 3, 2009

Reconciliation was the second. The Republicans kept bringing it up, and every time they did the Democrats all went red in the face and steam came out of their ears. That was entertaining, sure, but then there was a floor to mop and towels to hand around, and all those big charts with lines and words to lug around from one committee room to another. Mostly he learned to keep quiet about it. Prison was like that. The less you said the better. Especially about ugly things like reconciliation.
posted by gingerbeer at 11:01 PM on April 3, 2009

Sandals, finally, for the shower. Athlete's foot was bad enough; felon's foot was hell on earth.
posted by cortex (staff) at 11:13 PM on April 3, 2009

Tom Cruise has felon's foot! Tom Cruise has felon's foot! Tom Cruise has felon's foot!
posted by cgc373 at 12:50 AM on April 4, 2009

Unfortunately, the press only took him seriously when he talked about the sandals. And not even that. There were persistent rumours that he still had felon's foot and, though nobody was sure what felon's foot exactly was, this was what was keeping him from appearing in public.
posted by rjs at 2:48 AM on April 4, 2009

Valentine's day was approaching, too, and if Tom didn't get asked to the annual Bitches Ball, he knew felon's foot wasn't going to be the cause. "Who gives a fuck what it is, anyway?" he thought to himself, "All I care about is 'reconciliation' with that bo-hunk Jim Traficant." Tom suppressed his air-quotes reflex, checked to see that his sandals were well-placed, and then stood by the door to his cell, waiting. Jim Traficant. "The Banger." Those were the words that kept ringing through Tom's head until he heard the lock on his door released. It was time for lunch.
posted by not_on_display at 10:03 AM on April 4, 2009

When Muffy heard that Tom had been imprisoned, a flurry of questions raced through her mind. Who would run the flower shop? Where would Tom's grandmother get her pancake syrup? What would happen to Tom's pet manatee? Why had this happened now, just after so many other things had happened? There was only one thing that could make Muffy feel any better;
posted by twoleftfeet at 10:19 AM on April 4, 2009

Xenu had always been their nemesis, and yet, their song. Muffy dialed in her iPod and set it to repeat. Sinking into the sofa, she desperately tried to shore up her mental levees against the flooding Katrina of emotions. Why her? Why now? Like a spark in Adam Savage's goatee, it struck her: to fight Xenu they must sacrifice a
posted by Rumple at 10:44 AM on April 4, 2009

Yeti. The blood of the yeti has curative powers, they say, and these magical powers would give them strength against Xenu. But where to find a yeti? Certainly yetis are not easy to come by; one must traverse the frozen wilderness far and wide. Her Toyota would not take her there, and she didn't know how to drive a
posted by twoleftfeet at 11:25 AM on April 4, 2009

Zebu. And yet, those strange bovines were everywhere.
posted by klangklangston at 11:44 AM on April 4, 2009

"Army of Yetis
On musk oxen, single teeth
From their mouth-fronts shine"

So read the inscription in Tom's cell, scratched in the painful runes of clawhammered fingers, a keening, full-throated whisper from the bowels of time. The silent wailing was getting louder, louder, like a redshifted firetruck nearing a hospital, then making a last minute right turn. In a flash, Tom had it: musk oxen are bovine. Olivia Newton John had a muffy. The iPod was designed by Xenu. It all added up to
posted by Rumple at 12:45 PM on April 4, 2009

"Bigfoot has 'felon foot'," Jim whispered to Tom, explaining the curious omission in his collection of rabbit feet, monkey paws, and one cat's paw (his "feline foot"). Jim had used air quotes around "felon foot", contrary to prison etiquette, but then Jim was rough that way. "Your time in prison will go easier," Jim whispered, sliding closer to Tom on the prison cot, "if you forget about "Muffy" and "Bigfoot" and instead learn to enjoy a big
posted by twoleftfeet at 1:46 PM on April 4, 2009

career change. Really, Tom had no idea about all the associates degree programs the prison offered inmates until Jim outlined them. Right after he viciously sexually assaulted Tom. Tom blinked away the pain and begin to set his sights on the welder program.
posted by Burhanistan at 1:51 PM on April 4, 2009

* * *

Depression settled in as the months turned into years, years into decades. Thirty years later, and still behind bars, Tom had long forgotten about Muffy, about Cindy's tasty calves, about Jim's sweet, tender lovin', about Olivia Newton-John's siren voice. It was all about the welding, and the
posted by not_on_display at 2:48 PM on April 4, 2009

Emulsion polymerization, a type of radical polymerization that usually starts with an emulsion incorporating water, monomer, and surfactant. Somehow this was key to Tom's plans for escape. But he lacked
posted by twoleftfeet at 4:25 PM on April 4, 2009

fingers, which limited his dexterity. He could make up for this somewhat by
posted by fantabulous timewaster at 8:17 PM on April 4, 2009

gonads the size and shape of hands, which is why his underwear fit him like a glove, and why they called him
posted by Rumple at 8:36 PM on April 4, 2009

the ham fist.
posted by UbuRoivas at 9:20 PM on April 4, 2009

the ham fist.
posted by cgc373 at 10:52 PM on April 4, 2009

I fixed that for Ubu.
posted by cgc373 at 10:53 PM on April 4, 2009

Jed paced around the alley behind the convenience store where he worked, having his third smoke break that hour. Out of the corner of his eye he spotted what appeared to be a rubber glove. "Great," he muttered to himself. One more back alley rectal exam refuse for him to have to clean up. He had no idea what drew all these black market quacks to perform their services behind his store. He went closer and then saw that it wasn't a glove, but in fact a horribly mutated human penis. There also were three strange looking teeth that resembled a moray eels inner throat teeth around the severed member. A wave of nausea swept over Jed and
posted by Burhanistan at 11:32 PM on April 4, 2009

nothing could make him feel better other than an eyeful of Rasputin's penis in formaldehyde. A little later, he apologised to his grand-aunt for the
posted by UbuRoivas at 12:52 AM on April 5, 2009

knowing he was about to vomit, he reached for the nearby trash can. As he leaned over it, he thought he heard a small electronic beeping noise coming from deep within it. Distracted from his nausea, he reached inside and found what looked like a clunky cell phone. A red light flashed, and the phone beeped again. He raised it to his ear, and heard a shrill electronic voice saying
posted by gingerbeer at 1:10 AM on April 5, 2009

"LISTEN TO ME! We're at 800 comments, and if UBUROIVAS keeps this up, he'll SPOIL the whole thread! You've got to get a handle on him!" The voice broke up, static cutting and chopping it. Jed dropped the phone and stood, shakily, another wave of nausea breaking across his gut. He
posted by cgc373 at 1:25 AM on April 5, 2009

decided, against his better interests, to click on this link. Later, relaxed and refreshed, he shoved both hands into his deep, deep pockets, and found to his surprise that
posted by UbuRoivas at 1:47 AM on April 5, 2009

otters were covering them. Yes, otters! Very small otters! They appeared to have been living in his pockets for weeks if not months and were now climbing his fingers and nibbling his nails. One looked up and winked at him, and to his surprise he saw the animal was holding a
posted by rjs at 3:06 AM on April 5, 2009

pendant with the letters M and N engraved in it, two letters that, as he only now realised, had gone inexplicably missing from the alphabet.
posted by rjs at 3:13 AM on April 5, 2009

"Querious" said Holmes. But Watson knew that Holmes habitually misspelled "curious".

"Oddly enough" thought Watson, "the only other word that Holmes habitually mispells is
posted by twoleftfeet at 3:44 AM on April 5, 2009

Ridiquolous.

Payout was ten to one for those of you betting on "ridiquolous" and five to one if your bet was on "mispells".

We'll rack 'em up again for another shuffle. Place your bets!
posted by twoleftfeet at 4:51 AM on April 5, 2009

STFU N00B! (It's little-known, but Holmes was early 1337.)
posted by cgc373 at 5:42 AM on April 5, 2009

really? i always pictured him as being in the late 19th century.
posted by UbuRoivas at 6:13 AM on April 5, 2009

Try though you may, nothing shall derail the implacable ALPHABET, UbuRoivas.
posted by cgc373 at 6:30 AM on April 5, 2009

The first Implacable, launched in 1795 as the French ship Duguay-Trouin, was a 74-gun third-rate ship of the line. Captured by the British on 3 November 1805, she was renamed Implacable. She was scuttled in 1949, by then the second oldest ship of the Navy.

Naturally, the French had better things on their mind than battle - cheese, to give just one example - when they gave the ship the most pathetic name in all of naval history.
posted by UbuRoivas at 6:42 AM on April 5, 2009

Up, up and away
In my beautiful balloon
The world's a nicer place
In my beautiful balloon
We can sing a song and sail along the silver sky
For we can fly... we can fly!
posted by flapjax at midnite at 8:07 AM on April 5, 2009

The SS Valencia was an iron-hulled passenger steamer wrecked off the coast of Vancouver Island, British Columbia in 1906. Built in 1882 by William Cramp and Sons, she was a 1,598 ton vessel, 252 feet (77 m) in length. Some consider the wreck of the Valencia to be the worst maritime disaster on the southwest coast of Vancouver Island, an area so treacherous it was known to mariners as the Graveyard of the Pacific.
posted by rjs at 10:20 AM on April 5, 2009

USS Constitution "Old Ironsides" is in Boston Harbor. Iron sides are false advertising. The whole thing's just wood. It's all a lie. I suspect that this is true of all ships. THEY ARE LIES.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 12:28 PM on April 5, 2009

Whatever. Look, I don't know what's going on here anymore, but it seems like a shipwreck waiting to happen. I'm going to do what I can to put us back on a charted course so we can have some nice smooth sailing from this point forward.
posted by quin at 4:07 PM on April 5, 2009

V haf forgotten all about v! So much for smooth sailing.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 4:39 PM on April 5, 2009

nothing left to do but man the lifeboats now. women & children first!
posted by UbuRoivas at 4:42 PM on April 5, 2009

X the lifeboats. What we need are LONG boats.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 4:49 PM on April 5, 2009

You would say that.
posted by UbuRoivas at 4:57 PM on April 5, 2009

ZAMBONI!
** soft shoe dancing **
posted by not_on_display at 5:13 PM on April 5, 2009

youse are wierd.
posted by UbuRoivas at 5:30 PM on April 5, 2009

And so, once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more?
posted by quin at 5:33 PM on April 5, 2009

Best to leap without looking, wouldn't you say?
posted by rtha at 5:54 PM on April 5, 2009

Could I politely request that those of us who want to play this particular game be allowed to do so with fewer interruption? Would that be okay?
posted by gingerbeer at 6:07 PM on April 5, 2009

D'oh. I meant "interruptions".
posted by gingerbeer at 6:10 PM on April 5, 2009

Every comment could be seen to be an interruption, depending on your definition of "interruption." Or your definition of "is."
posted by grapefruitmoon at 7:38 PM on April 5, 2009

"Fuckwit"'s definition comes into play as well.
posted by cortex (staff) at 7:48 PM on April 5, 2009

Good to see you"re skillful usage of quotation marks their.
posted by UbuRoivas at 9:09 PM on April 5, 2009

HAI UBU WELCOM TO TEH ALPABET!
posted by not_on_display at 9:13 PM on April 5, 2009

I feed my dogs ALPO-bet.

Also; the souls of the innocent.

And rawhide. They love that.
posted by quin at 9:23 PM on April 5, 2009

Jebus, only this morning did i twig to what you cunts were up to. No wonder I was being treated like such a pariah.
posted by UbuRoivas at 9:44 PM on April 5, 2009

Kitchen, heat, etc. If this is the first day you've caught on when, IIRC, this isn't even the first alphabet thread you've serially deuced in, I feel like you deserve a massive combination of hugs and punches in the junk.
posted by cortex (staff) at 9:48 PM on April 5, 2009

Love ya, Ubu, love ya to death.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 10:00 PM on April 5, 2009

Like seriously?
posted by mrzarquon at 10:00 PM on April 5, 2009

Marshmallow fists will punch him in the dick. brrrraw.
posted by Rumple at 10:01 PM on April 5, 2009

no, not in the junk! *ouch*

but hugs from flappo made it all worthwhile
posted by UbuRoivas at 10:03 PM on April 5, 2009

Perhaps, but now I'm thinking, maybe I should just try to catch us up, [in: A Conversation From My Imagination:]

But why is it so hard, once you know, to keep playing the game?

Clearly, it's more fun to just fuck around. Everyone knows that.

Don't speak for the rest of us. We enjoy this.

Enjoy it? You are just following the herd.

Fuck you man. This is the only thing keeping me smiling lately.

Good God, you people are simple!

Hey! I'm not simple. I studied physics and Game Theory in college.

I really can't help you here. Your awesome education seems to be failing under the power of my indifference...

[And... Scene]

...and the pieces now fit together.

maybe.
posted by quin at 10:06 PM on April 5, 2009

Oh. Well, that idea just didn't work at all. Never mind.
posted by quin at 10:15 PM on April 5, 2009

Per my reread of the September thread, cortex, it appears flapjax at midnite was the outstanding member, not UbuRoivas. If Ubu's fiddled in any other alphabet threads, I dunno, but he wasn't in that one.
posted by cgc373 at 10:17 PM on April 5, 2009

Quelle slandeur! I was certainly not in any other of these threads. At least, not that I noticed.
posted by UbuRoivas at 10:20 PM on April 5, 2009

Really now, cgc373, must we go dredging up the past? Although I would agree, now that you mention it, that I am indeed an outstanding member of Metafilter.

what, that's not what you meant?
posted by flapjax at midnite at 10:49 PM on April 5, 2009

speaking of outstanding members.
posted by UbuRoivas at 10:57 PM on April 5, 2009

Truce. I misremembered, and your failure to catch on is less spectacular than I was imagining.
posted by cortex (staff) at 11:02 PM on April 5, 2009

u talkin' about what, cortex?
posted by UbuRoivas at 11:12 PM on April 5, 2009

Verily, a failure to catch on is something that can happen to the best of us.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 11:21 PM on April 5, 2009

who else failed to catch on, do you know?
posted by UbuRoivas at 11:32 PM on April 5, 2009

X?
posted by cgc373 at 11:36 PM on April 5, 2009

yo la tengo.
posted by UbuRoivas at 11:46 PM on April 5, 2009

ZAMBONI RACES
posted by Rumple at 1:19 AM on April 6, 2009

Anyway...

I re-did the model to accommodate alphabet-based games and my current prediction is that this thread will die before it has reached 934 comments.

This will fall far short of the original alphabet game's record of 2012 comments. It's possible that this thread will also fall slightly short of the second alphabet game's duration (so close to 30 days, and yet not.)

Place your bets!
posted by twoleftfeet at 1:40 AM on April 6, 2009

Quids to quinces we won't make either 2k comments or 30 days. You young people have no staying power.
posted by dg at 2:11 AM on April 6, 2009

Bugger! I saw the "Place your bets!" and followed it with Q. What a dickhead.
posted by dg at 2:21 AM on April 6, 2009

Commenting is hard enough without an alphabetical framework.
posted by twoleftfeet at 2:32 AM on April 6, 2009

Doris cleaned the knife and then hid it under the stairs. "The pigeon is safe now," she thought. When Francisco returned in the evening he asked about the olives, but Doris pretended not to know.
posted by twoleftfeet at 2:36 AM on April 6, 2009

"Everything will be fine now, Francisco", she said. "Our ship has come in; it's time to ride the gravy train!"

The only thing she had failed to account for was
posted by UbuRoivas at 4:28 AM on April 6, 2009

Fred, who had slipped in quite unannounced, and was busying himself with a pair of tweezers, a length of rope and an electric coffee grinder. "What do you intend to do with those things?" she said, the slightest tremble of fear registering in her voice. "Well, my dear..." he answered, "I intend to
posted by flapjax at midnite at 4:53 AM on April 6, 2009

finally carry out my life-long dream of making the perfect cup of coffee". "All my life I've been planning and considering every conceivable method and I think I've finally got it, although it could be somewhat dangerous". "That's why I need the rope and the tweezers, you see". "What I'm going to do is go out the the shed, where this new coffee grinder will be the finishing touch to the Ultimate Espresso Machine that I have been building for 37 years now". You know all those times I told you I was sharpening the mower blades"? Well, it might surprise you to know that I have been somewhat less than truthful, because what I've really been doing is
posted by dg at 5:18 AM on April 6, 2009

Goddamnit! I fucked up again!
posted by dg at 5:24 AM on April 6, 2009

generating energy in my cold fusion reactor, in order to engineer the world's finest cubic zirconium burr grinder for my coffee beans".

Doris smiled & nodded politely, backing away until she could feel the kitchen bench behind her. Subtly, she reached for the rolling pin, and
posted by UbuRoivas at 5:24 AM on April 6, 2009

HEY IT LOOKS LIKE WE'RE BACK TO DOUBLEALPHABET.

This thing was starting to lose steam on Friday PM, which was the last time I'd popped in before now. But now, full steam ahead. You guys are the coolest.

Dear god, don't die on this comment, little thread.
posted by SpiffyRob at 6:30 AM on April 6, 2009

,holding it carefully but firmly behind her back, edged towards the kitchen door. She could see that look in Fred's eye. The look she hadn't seen for many a long year. In fact, she hadn't seen that look since
posted by dg at 6:44 AM on April 6, 2009

Indianapolis, or, no, no... since that heady night in Capistrano, when, locked in tight embrace and whispering those three fateful words they swore they'd never utter, the swallows returned, like a swirling black cloud overhead, blocking out the moon and the stars and indeed, everything but their pure, animal passion.

Of course, the next morning, in the cold light of the new day, with the coffee grinder smashed on the rocks below, and the sidewalks covered in swallow droppings, Doris looked down at the still-sleeping Fred and thought...
posted by flapjax at midnite at 6:54 AM on April 6, 2009

"I'm going to jerk him off into a vial before he wakes up". It was the only way they would have children together, and she wanted children more than children want Love-Tartz. She had hit "snooze" on her biological clock one time too many. Dammit, if Octomom could build a nest of diapery lurv, then surely, Doris mumbled as she reached for the organic canola oil,
posted by Rumple at 8:21 AM on April 6, 2009

"Jesus wept." She muttered as she deftly handled Fred's equipment. Only Jesus himself could comprehend the significance of this particular utterance, which was lost on Doris herself. It just seemed the right thing to say at the time.

It wasn't the hand job that woke him up, sperm spilling into a Dixie cup, but rather the name of Jesus that awoke Fred. He wasn't altogether surprised at his situation and turned to Doris to say...
posted by grapefruitmoon at 9:52 AM on April 6, 2009

"Jizz-Mistress, pull me an espresso con panna". The dixie cup groaned under the unexpected heat, as did Doris. A tear formed in the corner of her eye as she recalled
posted by Rumple at 10:01 AM on April 6, 2009

kissing him that night in Capistrano. But what to do now, she thought to herself. What to do now? With a rueful smile she softly
posted by dersins at 11:29 AM on April 6, 2009

lifted the cup in a toast. "To
posted by not_on_display at 12:10 PM on April 6, 2009

me, or not to me, that is the question," she began, but then The Fear came upon her. Crushing the cup in her fist like a paper cup, she
posted by cortex (staff) at 1:03 PM on April 6, 2009

nibbled Fred's ear as the horns or a great bull bloomed from her
posted by carsonb at 1:09 PM on April 6, 2009

orange-shaped head. Well, all heads are vaguely orange-shaped, of course, but they aren't usually orange-coloured and covered in tiny indentations as well. She had never really questioned how she came to be like that, she Just knew that whenever The Fear came upon her, an impressive set of horns grew from the spot where an orange would be attached to the tree. "I really should get that looked at one day", she mused, knowing she never would. The only thing worse than having the horns would be losing them forever. In a bizarre way, they defined her and their loss would also be the loss of her identity, she feared.

She continued to absent-mindedly nibble on Fred's ear, keeping the thought constantly in her mind that she must not break the skin and bring on the urge to bite clear through the lobe and swallow the sweet meat. Recalling the last time she had succumbed, she shuddered and wondered whether anyone had yet started to wonder where Evan was and why he had been absent from work for so long. It was a piece of incredible luck that she had managed to stumble upon a complete loner (almost a hermit, really) at that precise point in time when she so desperately needed a warm body to succour her "Perhaps there is a higher being looking out for me after all", she mused. She couldn't afford to lose Fred though, because he was the only thing that kept her from falling over the edge and into the abyss of
posted by dg at 1:35 PM on April 6, 2009

paranoia and loathing of those different than her. Fred was different, he seemed to honestely like her, and that was why she was going to do what she could to keep him around forever; she was going to make him just like her.

It would involve some sacrifice, (probably a lot actually...) but nothing was going to stop her from
posted by quin at 1:48 PM on April 6, 2009

quickly spiriting into the kitchen, Dixie cup in hand, rifling through the drawers from the turkey baster that she knew was there; biding its time since that Thanksgiving that they spent together with a burnt turkey and mashed potatoes that somehow kept ending up with strange indentations. Having timed her activities directly to her ovulation cycle, she howled to the moon as she squeezed what she hoped were strong swimmers on their way to a waiting egg.

She had waited too long for this. Too many years she had put it off constantly telling herself
posted by grapefruitmoon at 3:01 PM on April 6, 2009

, reassuring herself, that it wouldn't be too late, that it would happen some day, that the very concept of the "biological clock" was nothing but a construct, a myth perpetuated by the procreation-industrial complex, perpetuated for the sole purpose of feeding the gaping maw of the cute, hip onesie industry, an industry which
posted by dersins at 3:13 PM on April 6, 2009

sucked souls. She paused, her pulpy, sweet brain working out all of the analogies, as she inserted the turkey baster into her
posted by not_on_display at 4:07 PM on April 6, 2009

tiny womanly canal. Too tiny to accommodate the male member, though oh, how she'd tried. Too many men threw her by the way side after finding that they could barely get a pinky inside. Too many potential fathers for her future children, who would spring forth from her belly like Athena from the head of Zeus, walking away to more spacious pastures.

Oh well. What was their loss was her gain, for Doris had always enjoyed
posted by grapefruitmoon at 4:14 PM on April 6, 2009

unbridled self-approval when it came to her canal. All she needed for self-satisfaction was a glass of wine, a hot tub, some soft music, and a battery-operated
posted by twoleftfeet at 4:19 PM on April 6, 2009

coffee grinder. Oh, not for any sort of bizarre S&M rituals or the like... no, she simply enjoyed the smell of fresh-ground beans as she went about her little rituals and ablutions. Perhaps that's where this whole crazy thing started, she thought to herself... Francisco, Fred, the swallows, the tweezers, and most of all...
posted by flapjax at midnite at 5:25 PM on April 6, 2009

ahhh, dammit. dammit. the gaddam alphabet. dammit. aaaaaaarrrggghhhh
posted by flapjax at midnite at 5:27 PM on April 6, 2009

viola. Nothing gave her a greater sense of self-satisfaction than displaying her virtuoso skills by playing both viola parts in Bach's Brandenburg #1 at the same time, while lounging in a hot bath. Of course she had to be careful with
posted by dersins at 5:33 PM on April 6, 2009

washing the viola in the hot, sudsy water. Stradivarius could really glue these things together, she mused, splayed back in the tub like an octopus with too many things to juggle would splay if it was a limbs-akimbo human named Doris. The Bach had her hot and riled and the Turkey Baster had only taken the edge off her whirling interdigitated carnality. She knew what would come next: a
posted by Rumple at 5:52 PM on April 6, 2009

x-rated virtuoso performance the likes of which the world hadn't seen since Philip Glass surprised the audience at Madison Square Garden by
posted by UbuRoivas at 6:17 PM on April 6, 2009 [1 favorite]

yanking off his tuxedo and screaming "I AM KAIZER SOZE!" - an incident which was promptly investigated and then covered up by the CIA, FBI, and KGB.

Doris exited the tub and dried the viola. Fred was still sound asleep, oblivious to the melodic and physical raptures that had emanated from the bathroom. He awoke pleasantly when he heard Doris announce that she was making coffee. Coffee was the only thing in the world that Fred truly loved. Every time he breathed it in, he had vivid memories of
posted by grapefruitmoon at 6:28 PM on April 6, 2009

Zambonis, and his early morning surfacing job at the local high school skating arena, and that cuppa joe that accompanied him on the laps around the rink. Ah, but that was a past life, a time when things were
posted by not_on_display at 6:45 PM on April 6, 2009

Zambonis, from the days when he used to sip endless huge mugs of scalding hot coffee, whilst driving his Zamboni up and down the frozen canal that ran by his modest shack in Newfoundland.

This wasn't a paid job, though. His plan was to smooth the ice out enough that one day he'd be able to
posted by UbuRoivas at 6:58 PM on April 6, 2009 [1 favorite]

damn
posted by UbuRoivas at 6:58 PM on April 6, 2009

... and a double zamboni counts for 200 points. So that puts not_on_display at 3460 points, grapefruitmoon has 3285 points and Ubu, still struggling after some earlier fouls, at 2189 points. But others also have many points, so give me a minute to tally the scores and... hey, I WON!

As the official tally man, I hereby declare myself the winner and official Vice President of this thread. Please pay up on your way out.
posted by twoleftfeet at 12:34 AM on April 7, 2009 [1 favorite]

brighter. The days now seem dark and dreary, somehow devoid of like, unlike Doris, who even as she ground the coffee with a tiny frisson of delight at the sound of the once-living beans being reduced to a coarse, bitter-sweet smelling powder, could feel the seed taking hold and beginning to multiply in her receptive belly. She wondered if it would be possible that she would be blessed with twins - could she be so gloriously lucky, after all the setbacks? Surely not. The thought of birthing twins caused her heart to skip a beat as she remembered what it felt like to be one of two. They were so close, Doris and her sister, until that fateful afternoon on the beach when
posted by dg at 2:04 AM on April 7, 2009

Clarissa slipped into a tidal pool of carnivorous jellyfish. How troubling for Doris to watch the mirrored image of herself disappearing in clear, glowing jelly - inch by inch, her body devoured by invisible mouths until there was simply nothing left, her existence diminished to the purple bikini lapping at the shore. Things might have gone differently if she had only
posted by grapefruitmoon at 4:01 AM on April 7, 2009

done what was right. But what was "right" anyway, thought Doris. In this world of turkey-baster babies, Zamboni races being fixed, chinese toothpaste, who was really to say what was right and wrong? She looked again over at Fred, blissfully holding his coffee mug with his eyes closed, leaning slightly into the curves as the Zamboni in his mind smoothed everything over, making his thoughts' ice smooth. "Zamboni," Doris said the word aloud, softly. "That's what I'll name the baby. Zam-bo-ni: the tongue taking a two-step bee-song over the palate, separated by the word 'bo' -- Zam. bo. ni. If they're twins, I'll name the other one
posted by not_on_display at 4:53 AM on April 7, 2009

Earl.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 5:00 AM on April 7, 2009

For a joke.
posted by UbuRoivas at 5:14 AM on April 7, 2009

done as her ancestors had, clinging to the bright strand and nodding fondly at the wine-dark sea, Buck Mulligan's scrotum-tightening sea, and assigned to that dark unknown naught but a silent mystery. For who could open it up? Who could rend its belly? Who drag the fish-knife, cool and firm, from navel to neck and delve with joy into its contents?

Clarissa had always been a bitch.

I'm getting ahead of myself - is that really possible? To be ahead of oneself? To be speaking of the things which one intends to speak at a later time, but which one doesn't know if one will speak at all? But I'm certainly not speaking, this is writing, or rather typing - nobody writes anymore, least of all myself, who am lazier than most. Lazier in mind, not necessarily in body. I put my body through rivers of pure, unadulterated shit. Here I sit, my head reeling, empty beer bottles strewn around me on the floor - it is twenty-four minutes after five of-the-clock ANTE MERIDIEM and I know I won't go to bed. My - still my, eh - my wife moved out two days ago. She packed her essentials and she moved in with her narcissistic father, my precious adversary, a man who bore the burden of my nervousness as easily as I bore the burden of his bluster, a man who I know even now found some perverse pleasure in the equivocation of that cold unbond - as did I - she packed her things, I say, put them in our, her, car, and then turned to me with those eyes. Are eyes not the most impossible thing to fathom? This sounds utterly sentimental, and then again I am probably sentimental through-and-through. I am wrecked today, wrecked ever after.

I... I remember dimly a time when I felt the boldness of youth. That pride of place and time, that firm grip, that membership in the particularized fraternities of shared opinion, that arrogant (?) insistence that writhes with the twitch of life. I remember dimly, without even the energy to be astonished, soaking in blunted shock, that once upon a time I too could stand in the crowd and defend the honor of my convictions, stand even in real crowd, not these fucking virtual ones, which I disdain only because they reveal my own narcissistic inability to relinquish my precious anonymity. But now I am, to choose carefully one word which properly describes my state, aghast - aghast at any and all, aghast that I am even here writing this to you. My name is Jeffrey Alexander Johnston, born to Barry Cummins (my mother always told me that he hated this name because it had been a mark of mockery in his youth; one of the many things my father will not talk about for bitterness - but his bitterness is not what I remember most, it is only my birthright) Johnston and to Joanne (St. Therese of Liseaux - her saint name at that Catholic school wherein she procured for me my other birthright, shame) Moynihan (a small, bitter Irishman, her father, whose antecedents were all moldering in the grave by the time he was thirteen years of age, all but his dear, dear mother, with whom he lived even into the second year of his marriage) Johnston. I refer darkly to 'these times' quite often, these times in which I grew to maturity, if it can be called that, and learned my trade, which is really so minimal as to amount to a lie; my childhood seemed dark, my life now seems dark, and so in my self-indulgence I make the whole world dark, as well. Perhaps it is. That would be ironic.

My (my, still my) wife says that our psychiatrist thinks I should go back into academia, that, while some people can be happy almost anywhere, I can only be happy in academia. I agree outwardly, although I suspect inwardly that this is merely a convenient excuse, and that academia is ephemeral to the question. And even though I can swear freely to you now that every word that I've said, or rather written, rather of course typed, is absolutely true - I hear the first bird of the day singing, and the clock has slipped to 5:43 - I know that to you, maybe even to me, yes certainly to me - this is far too Samuel Beckett, I think - none of this falderall is as real, as firm, as - none of this dream-world approaches the consciousness of - Doris, our dear Doris, watching her sister, foolish, sacred, mad, depraved Clarissa sink under the red wave of tentacles creatures, sliding under the liquid like the dreaming fisherman's wife in that wood-block print of Hokusai. She burns in our minds, Doris watching Clarissa, because of the many things that I make up for us to know about her: that Doris' hair is slightly blonder than Clarissa's, that Clarissa's skin is just a bit more pale - she always spent more time in cool shallows, in corners, in caves, in books, in basements, in sadness, in depression, in stillness, in prayer, in confession, in shame-faced penitence and finally in bemused and wide-eyed witchery, the very worst of all. CLARISSA! Doris, who we are watching years later, recall, after her debacles with Fred and her fiasco with Francisco - she bears the burden of our imagination as her very being - Doris pauses now and stares at that same sea, the all-devouring ever-arching stuff-manifesting sea (even now I look to the other room expecting her to be there, but she has gone, I remember too late) - She stares, stares hard at it for a long time, until, long before she realizes it consciously, there grows in her an anxiety, a fear and trembling about all this, the rusted spring on the mortal coil, which she suddenly realizes has become an inwardly-directed and outwardly-silent scream, louder than any that her lips could have uttered: CLARISSA! Sister in the sea, lover of the water and the waves, mysterious mummer prefiguring your own smiling gel with the red wave of those menses-like creatures in all the silence and anguish and life-deadness of your years! You are fucked up! You are a motherfucker! And you are a bitch, Clarissa, for smiling at me as you let those insubstantial ghosts of plasmatic material absorb your not-yet-blossomed womanhood and carry it below the waves. A stone-cold bitch.

Doris sneers it again, aloud this time: 'stone-cold bitch!' Then she leans, arching her back, her filthy hand in a pocket of her jeans, and expels what could be counted as a sigh were it less foul and bitter. The old sweatshirt, emblazoned with the motto Stryper World Tour 1983! and dirty with unknown dirt, hangs loosely off of her back and down across her jeans, which are entirely too tight. Doris is not the kind of person who thinks to look at her hands, but that filthy hand which rests in her back pocket, the hand which had just previously to this been engaged in hand-fucking a particular male member for the purpose of harvesting human seed in thick viscous form. This activity is so familiar to Doris that the filthiness of her hand is utterly forgotten, and the familiarity of the salt-sweat musky scent of the spunk is so very great to her that she absentmindedly engages in one of her favorite habits, extending a long, grubby digit upwards to scratch a half-hardened piece of dessicated mucus from her sniffling and crusted nose and - so habitually that she does this unconsciously - checking briefly in all direction to make sure that she is not watched before scraping the dried snot from her finger with her teeth and gulping it down. She is in love, and she does not care who knows it; her sister can rise from the waves, if she wishes, and look full on the love she feels for that strange woman, that awful and sprightly spirited woman, and not for nothing
posted by koeselitz at 5:16 AM on April 7, 2009

well, that's what I get, I guess
posted by koeselitz at 5:16 AM on April 7, 2009

grew the lilacs, not for nothing grew the roses, that Doris had brought to this terrifying lover, the woman of nearly seventy who ate her like jelly, like fish freshly caught; not for nothing the sun shone on her dear happiness, which she had no idea beforehand could be occasioned by a little love, provided, of course, that the love is accompanied by
posted by koeselitz at 5:23 AM on April 7, 2009

horses; wild-eyed stallions, white sweat foaming on their necks and
posted by patricio at 7:30 AM on April 7, 2009

inner thighs like a damp leather bag filled with wolverines. Doris half hoped a centaur was forming deep in the womb that had lain barren for so long, as empty as
posted by Rumple at 8:21 AM on April 7, 2009

Jefferson's gesture, in the Declaration of Independence, of guaranteeing the right to pursue happiness. For Doris had pursued happiness. She had pursued happiness in bars and nightclubs, at parties and sporting events, in forests and dark alleys. But the right to pursue a thing does not guarantee that you will catch the thing, and Doris had learned the hard way that happiness sometimes comes with a heavy price. To Doris, the only thing harder to catch than happiness was
posted by twoleftfeet at 11:59 AM on April 7, 2009

Keats. She'd tried, of course - sought after that 'thing of beauty' that 'is a joy forever,' read through Endymion over and over seeking some hidden gem between the lines, but really, the poet John Keats simply eluded her - it made no sense at all in her mind that anyone would want to read this crap.

She didn't like the modern stuff, either; she figured Nick Cave was right when he said that 'Bukowski was a jerk,' and she didn't have a use for Allen Ginsburg's ramblings. In general, beyond Milton, she really felt as though poetry were a sad, empty zone for tourists who wish to be tittilated.

She sighed, the sand clinging to her feet as she walked the beach. At least she still had Stryper. They would always make sense. And no matter what anybody else said, she knew very well that their best record, the one that revolutionised modern music, was their seminal album
posted by koeselitz at 12:31 PM on April 7, 2009

"Law, we're still against it", which was a remix of their 1990 album "Against the Law". Though their other album
posted by rjs at 12:52 PM on April 7, 2009

Murder By Pride, despite being as-yet-unreleased, was undoubtedly poised to take the Christian rock world by storm come July. Despite this (or perhaps, ironically, because of it), she always had a significant soft spot for the softer side of Christian rock, as exemplified by those modern masters of the psalm,
posted by dersins at 12:57 PM on April 7, 2009

Newsboys, who
posted by koeselitz at 1:33 PM on April 7, 2009

opened her mind to a whole ⁿew world of spⁱritual mediocrity, a thick, sickly stew iⁿ which sh^e could rot forever; she loved t^his, the decay of it all, altho^ugh she sometimes felt that these little coⁿversations she ha^d in he^r h^ea^d about musi^c made her s^ound like so^me kind of odd hipster christian.

And, of course, every ti^me she thought about hipster christiaⁿs, she couldn'^t help but ^s!tart singing her version of that old Night Ranger song:

Hipster christian, oh the time has come
Don't you know that you're the only one
To say: 'Stryper isn't gay!'

Where you goin', what you lookin' for,
Don't you know you won't find a band like the Doors
With lyrics about going to Church...

She sighed. All this thinking about music was driving her batty. She turned her mind instead to
posted by koeselitz at 1:33 PM on April 7, 2009

ponies. I mean, who doesn't like ponies, right? Well, bunnies are all right as well, but it's hard to make a real pagan feast from bunnies unless you catch a lot of them. That
posted by dg at 1:43 PM on April 7, 2009

queen down the street used to make pony-bunny hybrids using his queer witchcraft. He learned it in the jungles of the 'Nam, where they were originally using that for
posted by Burhanistan at 1:53 PM on April 7, 2009

robbing animals of their sight, rending blind the poor organisms

HALLELUJAH!
HALLELUJAH!

the cockles of my heart cry, bleeding ever ever bleeding in my heart the blood flows end over end gush over gush sweet red meaty fluid of my soul that runs out of my splintered fists, I

bones broken and tears shat on and urine soaking fine and sacred garments and shit, shit flowing like water, looser and more liquid than mud, hot with digestive stews, and running down the
posted by koeselitz at 2:26 PM on April 7, 2009

slippery
posted by koeselitz at 2:28 PM on April 7, 2009

tarmac. Mr. Bubbles the Cutest Koala Bear ever just landed in his happy plane. He's here from magical Joyland to melt everyone's heart and give them ice cream sandwiches! Mr. Bubbles made his way through the adoring throngs of multicultural happy, healthy chilrdren with bright futures and then inside the airport to sing a simple sweet song. Just then
posted by Burhanistan at 2:48 PM on April 7, 2009

unaware of the joy lurking outside his window, unaware of Mr. Bubbles' personal mission to melt his heart, Fred burped loudly. G-ddamn, Doris was taking her time in the bathroom and he really needed to take a piss. He ambled his way off the couch and over to the kitchen sink, debating the merits of emptying the archaeological remains of last night's dishes before peeing, but in the end it was a moot point as the door to the bathroom swung open as Doris exited and
posted by grapefruitmoon at 2:57 PM on April 7, 2009

vomited joy and happiness but
posted by Burhanistan at 3:29 PM on April 7, 2009

wrested control of her emotions long enough to pry the rainbow from her rancid gut. Watching the tail end of the arch slurp up towards her gold-flecked crotch as she ratcheted the spectrum up through her gastrointestinal fortitude and out of her colonial Spanish mouth, teeth clicking behind lips stuck red and violet and tight around the disgorgement, Fred felt his bladder
posted by carsonb at 3:42 PM on April 7, 2009

Xylitol begin to break down. Suddenly, he was deeply concerned with cavities.

Across town, a horse walked into a bar. The bartender
posted by cortex (staff) at 3:55 PM on April 7, 2009

-- you know, the one with the shorter face-- turned away from him, and instead addressed the A naked blonde who had just walked in with with a poodle under one arm, and a two foot salami under the other. He said
posted by dersins at 4:05 PM on April 7, 2009

"Zyou needz to brink enough vor ever-y bod-y ven zyou brink ze foods" in his strange accent that placed his place of origin somewhere between Hungary and Jupiter. It is still unclear whether he was referring to the poodle or the salami in this statement as the native cuisines of his homeland of origin could well include either. What is clear is that
posted by grapefruitmoon at 4:11 PM on April 7, 2009

any hope that we once had was lost, what is clear is that, poodles, salamis, whatever might litter this sodden and sunken ground, we are not going to be okay. In the end, we'll all end up like Clarissa, sinking like so much sewage into this rising red tide which is the jellyfishes'
posted by koeselitz at 4:14 PM on April 7, 2009

beautifully diabolical plan for world domination. That's the thing about jellyfish, by the way. They have this urge for world domination. It's insatiable. It's what the live for. We can't stop them-- we can only hope to contain them, if that.

Although. frankly, Fred, Doris and Mr. Bubbles might have had the answer. It might have something to do with coffee and koalas and violas. Or it might not. They only way to know for sure is to
posted by dersins at 5:02 PM on April 7, 2009

burst
posted by dg at 5:21 PM on April 7, 2009

call them up and ask them.
posted by not_on_display at 5:27 PM on April 7, 2009

[don't mention that I gave you their number]
posted by koeselitz at 5:45 PM on April 7, 2009

Eventually Tom, alone in his prison cell, decided that the world had forgotten him. He released his dreams of being rescued by Muffy, riding in on her zebu with fresh yeti blood. But just as Tom began to let go of his earthly hold on desire, ambition, and the urge to escape, there appeared a letter. Tom had expected a letter, but not a letter with contents of this kind. Tom could hardly believe his eyes as he gripped the letter in his trembling gonads and read
posted by twoleftfeet at 6:16 PM on April 7, 2009

fourteen words, cut from a newspaper and glued to the paper: wE HAvE MUFfY TuRN OVEr SECret JELLYfiSH EXLosIve RECiPE or wE turN oN wOOdCHIpPer. Stunned, Tom
posted by Rumple at 7:33 PM on April 7, 2009

Great beings. Great and unknowable intellects. The minds across the Stars. As remote as goodbye. Grand waiting minds, full and complete and patient. They are getting I Love Lucy now, They do not laugh., but they understand. They think they do, at least.

Good God.
posted by The Whelk at 7:37 PM on April 7, 2009

Hello. Hello? Hello?

Operator, I think we've lost the connection.
posted by twoleftfeet at 8:12 PM on April 7, 2009

I don't have a listing for that name in Baltimore, sir. Do you have another listing?
posted by cortex (staff) at 9:57 PM on April 7, 2009

John Smith. I'm looking for John Smith. I've Googled the name. I've dialed 411. I've dialed 911. But none of these services came through. So I'm posting my comment to MetaTalk, because, as I understand it, this is the forum where folks can post questions and other folks will answer them.

Please answer me, MetaPeople, what is the phone number of John Smith, and where can I find him?
posted by twoleftfeet at 10:23 PM on April 7, 2009

Kansas. I also have a listing for Junksmith. Shall I connect you?

Or did you say "junk ship"? I can connect you with a junk ship. Or a jump start.

Telephone games don't edn wlle.
posted by twoleftfeet at 10:56 PM on April 7, 2009

Listen, I don't know who this John Smith is, but if it's answers you're looking for, there is only one: DTMFA.
posted by UbuRoivas at 11:12 PM on April 7, 2009

MF? Who you calling a MF?

Yours sincerely
John Smith
posted by dg at 12:08 AM on April 8, 2009

earlynay imetway orfay away oundray inway igpay atinlay?
posted by Rumple at 12:27 AM on April 8, 2009

Official alphabet rules do not acknowledge "Pig Latin" as acceptable for entry into The Game. Please try again.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 4:27 AM on April 8, 2009

pass go, not. collect $200 neither.
posted by UbuRoivas at 4:37 AM on April 8, 2009

qui
posted by koeselitz at 6:49 AM on April 8, 2009

return to sender: address unknown
posted by flapjax at midnite at 6:56 AM on April 8, 2009

Sender to Return: I should withhold less next year.
posted by SpiffyRob at 7:24 AM on April 8, 2009

Taxes are the Price of Civilization.
posted by Rumple at 7:26 AM on April 8, 2009

U call dis civilization?
posted by flapjax at midnite at 7:41 AM on April 8, 2009

Vandals took it.
posted by The Whelk at 8:07 AM on April 8, 2009

what
posted by cgc373 at 9:00 AM on April 8, 2009

Xzibit says "YO DAWG I HEARD YOU LIKE VANDALIZING CIVILIZATION SO I PUT A HANDLE ON YOUR VANDAL SO YOU YOU CAN SCANDALIZE WHILE YOU VANDALIZE.
posted by dersins at 9:06 AM on April 8, 2009 [4 favorites]

You've breathed delightful new life into that meme, dersins.
posted by SpiffyRob at 9:35 AM on April 8, 2009

Zambonis hate sarcasm as much as the next guy. Just, y'know, fyi.
posted by dersins at 9:37 AM on April 8, 2009

Actually, I was serious! I'll even favorite it.
posted by SpiffyRob at 9:54 AM on April 8, 2009

Alpha male says I'm going to tell you what's what, boy.
posted by Burhanistan at 9:55 AM on April 8, 2009

Boy, is this fun!!!!1!!
posted by Rumple at 9:56 AM on April 8, 2009

Check off the box marked "fun." Then proceed to question 31:
posted by not_on_display at 10:29 AM on April 8, 2009

ד. אֶל-מְקוֹם, הַמִּזְבֵּחַ, אֲשֶׁר-עָשָׂה שָׁם, בָּרִאשֹׁנָה; וַיִּקְרָא שָׁם אַבְרָם, בְּשֵׁם יְהוָה
posted by koeselitz at 10:39 AM on April 8, 2009

Don't you people have jobs to do?
posted by The Whelk at 10:40 AM on April 8, 2009

ἔχεις μοι εἰπεῖν, ὦ Σώκρατες, ἆρα διδακτὸν ἡ ἀρετή;
posted by koeselitz at 10:41 AM on April 8, 2009

Foreign people do it with a different word for everything.
posted by Rumple at 10:43 AM on April 8, 2009

Greek. It's all. To me.
posted by twoleftfeet at 10:47 AM on April 8, 2009

Hard to talk like Yoda it is.
posted by The Whelk at 10:48 AM on April 8, 2009

Is, it.
posted by SpiffyRob at 11:01 AM on April 8, 2009

JAWAS RULE OK?
posted by dersins at 11:34 AM on April 8, 2009

Kay! Though I'd appreciate if they'd wipe their feet a little more. They tend to track in a lot of sand.
posted by SpiffyRob at 12:05 PM on April 8, 2009

Leia, Princess. 'nuff said.
posted by Rumple at 12:19 PM on April 8, 2009

Mon Mothma really does it for me.
posted by SpiffyRob at 1:07 PM on April 8, 2009

Kenobi showed off his wang in several terrible movies before Star Wars 4, yet Lucas cut Bai Ling's role after she showed her boobs. Conclusion? Star Wars is homoerotic.
posted by Burhanistan at 1:12 PM on April 8, 2009

NEEERRRDS!!!
posted by UbuRoivas at 1:12 PM on April 8, 2009

No, wait. Sorry bout that. But Naboo is a queer name for a planet anyways.
posted by Burhanistan at 1:12 PM on April 8, 2009

Oh, man, Burhanistan, you just can't get it right, can you?
posted by dersins at 1:23 PM on April 8, 2009

Perhaps next time?
posted by rjs at 1:32 PM on April 8, 2009

Oh.
My.
God.
posted by dg at 1:34 PM on April 8, 2009

Quite slow at posting that, I was.
posted by dg at 1:38 PM on April 8, 2009

Rather.
posted by dersins at 1:49 PM on April 8, 2009

It's broken?
posted by Burhanistan at 2:00 PM on April 8, 2009

So, that's weird. Two posts got lost.
posted by Burhanistan at 2:00 PM on April 8, 2009

Tauntaun, your: will freeze before you reach the first marker.
posted by SpiffyRob at 2:21 PM on April 8, 2009

Understand I not the previous comment.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 3:12 PM on April 8, 2009

View the movie, then, you must.
posted by dersins at 3:14 PM on April 8, 2009

While sleeping, even, you may.
posted by dersins at 3:15 PM on April 8, 2009

Xenophobe that I am, I don't think I could sleep in a cut open Tauntaun. My understanding is that they stink worse on the inside than they do on the out.
posted by quin at 3:23 PM on April 8, 2009

You know, I love that this thread is still going on.
posted by The Esteemed Doctor Bunsen Honeydew at 5:11 PM on April 8, 2009

Zambonis love you, Dr. Honeydew.
posted by not_on_display at 5:34 PM on April 8, 2009 [2 favorites]

Annus Mirabilis
by Philip Larkin


Sexual intercourse began
In nineteen sixty-three
(which was rather late for me) -
Between the end of the "Chatterley" ban
And the Beatles' first LP.

Up to then there'd only been
A sort of bargaining,
A wrangle for the ring,
A shame that started at sixteen
And spread to everything.

Then all at once the quarrel sank:
Everyone felt the same,
And every life became
A brilliant breaking of the bank,
A quite unlosable game.

So life was never better than
In nineteen sixty-three
(Though just too late for me) -
Between the end of the "Chatterley" ban
And the Beatles' first LP.
posted by koeselitz at 5:44 PM on April 8, 2009

Beat the Meatles!
posted by Rumple at 5:46 PM on April 8, 2009

Come together.
posted by twoleftfeet at 6:31 PM on April 8, 2009

Dig a ponyrequest
posted by not_on_display at 7:01 PM on April 8, 2009 [1 favorite]

Eleanor Digby a ponyrequest
posted by Rumple at 7:27 PM on April 8, 2009

F-in hell, I hate Eleanor Rigby. My least favorite Beatles song by far, which is kind of weird, because I like death.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 7:37 PM on April 8, 2009

FPP fapfest fools flyover state fair?
posted by Burhanistan at 7:37 PM on April 8, 2009

grapefruitmoon likes death. Death becomes her.
posted by Burhanistan at 7:37 PM on April 8, 2009

Hey Jews Did WTC
posted by cortex (staff) at 7:44 PM on April 8, 2009

I heard Doris Did Dallas.
posted by Rumple at 7:54 PM on April 8, 2009

Jesus Did For Your Sins
posted by twoleftfeet at 8:00 PM on April 8, 2009

Kill the buddha on the road if you meet him, but spare him if he's already over for tea.
posted by Burhanistan at 8:10 PM on April 8, 2009

like a rolling stone
like a rolling stone
like the FBI
and the CIA
and the FPP...
posted by flapjax at midnite at 10:31 PM on April 8, 2009

Matt Haughey!
dig it!
dig it!
dig it!
dig it!
dig it!
dig it!
dig it!
dig it!
dig it!
posted by flapjax at midnite at 10:32 PM on April 8, 2009 [1 favorite]

Nickleback vs The Beatles: The Cage Match
posted by Rumple at 12:30 AM on April 9, 2009

Oh, for fuck's sake!
posted by dg at 1:31 AM on April 9, 2009

Penny Lane is in my ears and in my eyes, four of fish and finger pies.
posted by twoleftfeet at 1:50 AM on April 9, 2009

Quiche!
Quiche Lorraine!
posted by dg at 2:13 AM on April 9, 2009

really soon, we'll be at 1000 comments, which will be sweet. But all I can think about now is quiche.
quiche lorraine.
posted by The Esteemed Doctor Bunsen Honeydew at 3:15 AM on April 9, 2009

She's a sweet, sweet, sweet puppy! Arf Arf
And I know she'll stick by me, Yeah!
posted by twoleftfeet at 3:58 AM on April 9, 2009

Two left feet, two left feet,
Your puppy is sweet, yeah sweet sweet sweet!
But how can she dance with two left feet?
posted by flapjax at midnite at 5:26 AM on April 9, 2009

Undead undead undead
The virginal brides file past his tomb
Strewn with time's dead flowers
Bereft in deathly bloom
Alone in a darkened room
The count
Bela Logosi's dead
Undead undead undead
posted by UbuRoivas at 5:59 AM on April 9, 2009

Vega
posted by Burhanistan at 6:47 AM on April 9, 2009

Waiting for the worms:
Oooo you cannot reach me now,
Oooo no matter how you try.
Goodbye cruel world, its over.
Walk on by.

Sitting in a bunker,
Here behind my wall,
Waiting for the worms to come. ( worms to come. )
In perfect isolation,
Here behind my wall,
Waiting for the worms to come. ( worms to come. )

Waiting, to cut out the deadwood.
Waiting, to clean up the city.
Waiting, to follow the worms.
Waiting, to put on a black shirt.
Waiting, to weed out the weaklings.
Waiting, to smash in their windows and kick in their doors.
Waiting, for the final solution to strengthen the strain.
Waiting, to follow the worms.
Waiting, to turn on the showers and fire the ovens.
Waiting, for the queers and the coons and the reds and the jews.
Waiting, to follow the worms.

Would you like to see britannia,
Rule again, my friend?
All you have to do is follow the worms.
Would you like to send our colored cousins,
Home again, my friend?
All you need to do is follow the worms.
posted by dg at 6:54 AM on April 9, 2009

Xbox kids have a future in US military robotic warfare, then they'll get PTSD counseling for their carpal tunnel syndrome.
posted by Burhanistan at 6:58 AM on April 9, 2009

yarbles! to that kind of nkroachment.
posted by UbuRoivas at 7:08 AM on April 9, 2009

Ze wonderful and frightening world of the
posted by Burhanistan at 7:14 AM on April 9, 2009

Ambonizay.
posted by UbuRoivas at 7:19 AM on April 9, 2009

Bamzoni.
posted by SpiffyRob at 7:22 AM on April 9, 2009

C'mon, let me fix that for you: Boyzoney.
posted by UbuRoivas at 7:26 AM on April 9, 2009

Dalmations: A thousand-and-onesie.
posted by cortex (staff) at 7:36 AM on April 9, 2009

Ever since last year's election, every time I see the word "palindrome" I think of Sarah Palin's head embedded in this weird golem type figure, plotting to kill the Ninja Turtles like Krang.
posted by SpiffyRob at 7:45 AM on April 9, 2009

From that cyborg abdomen, she could probably see Russia.
posted by Rumple at 8:46 AM on April 9, 2009

Get ready for Palin/Beck 2012! Your crazy polarizing candidates who will melt your face with crazy, and incite white power militias to violence in 38 states!
posted by Burhanistan at 10:02 AM on April 9, 2009

Hawaii and Alaska sold separately.
posted by twoleftfeet at 10:43 AM on April 9, 2009

It really is going to get weird here in a few years, folks.
posted by Burhanistan at 10:47 AM on April 9, 2009

Jesus fuck it's already pretty fucking weird.
posted by dersins at 10:51 AM on April 9, 2009

Grilled mooseburger anyone?
posted by not_on_display at 11:39 AM on April 9, 2009

Keep up, not-on-display.
posted by dersins at 11:53 AM on April 9, 2009

Let's go crazy! Let's get nuts!
posted by The Whelk at 12:05 PM on April 9, 2009

Macadamia nuts are delicious.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 12:16 PM on April 9, 2009

Noosphere pollution begins with you.
posted by Burhanistan at 12:34 PM on April 9, 2009

OMG Easter sweets in the large conference room! Jesus died for your dessert snack enjoyment (peace be upon him).
posted by Burhanistan at 12:38 PM on April 9, 2009

Palin/Beck 2012: Vote For Us or Die.
posted by SpiffyRob at 12:52 PM on April 9, 2009

Peeps are sugar coated Jesus tears, so they say
posted by Rumple at 12:52 PM on April 9, 2009 [1 favorite]

Quetzlcoatl would have died on the cross if the Romans had conquered the Americas. This would mean that
posted by Rumple at 12:57 PM on April 9, 2009

Romans really did conquer America. Have you seen the friezes and public art/architecture in Washington D.C.? It's like Colossus was an actual
posted by Burhanistan at 12:59 PM on April 9, 2009

Somali Pirates have not yet conquered America.
posted by SpiffyRob at 1:10 PM on April 9, 2009

They're drivin' me nuts! Arrr!
posted by dersins at 1:19 PM on April 9, 2009

Ugh. When did pirates become so popular? Ninjas are way cooler.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 1:56 PM on April 9, 2009

Very disappointed. Alphabet game was played in my absence for over two weeks, apparently. Must do something about this.
posted by yhbc at 2:15 PM on April 9, 2009

Whatcha gonna doooo, yhbc, when the alphabet and Hulkamania runs wild on you!!!
posted by not_on_display at 2:19 PM on April 9, 2009

Xanax might help . More than this did, anyway.
posted by dersins at 2:29 PM on April 9, 2009

Your too quick to suggest a pharmacological solution. There is a whole world of other options including hypnotism, electroshock, and leeches.
posted by quin at 2:35 PM on April 9, 2009

Zing! I hate that! That should read you're.
posted by quin at 2:36 PM on April 9, 2009

Zoloft?
posted by Burhanistan at 2:36 PM on April 9, 2009

And...
posted by dersins at 2:40 PM on April 9, 2009

....Burhanistan is late again.
posted by dersins at 2:40 PM on April 9, 2009

Cannibis
posted by Burhanistan at 2:42 PM on April 9, 2009

Doh, cannabis. I should learn to trust Firefox.
posted by Burhanistan at 2:42 PM on April 9, 2009

Can you feel it? Can you feel my love?
posted by The Whelk at 2:42 PM on April 9, 2009

Ewww. Put your love away.
posted by Burhanistan at 2:44 PM on April 9, 2009

Fresh love! Old Love! New Love! Any form but true love! On sale today!
posted by The Whelk at 2:46 PM on April 9, 2009

God loves you so much that he had his own child killed for you. That's what true love is all about; killing your children.
posted by twoleftfeet at 2:57 PM on April 9, 2009

How could such anthropomorphic nonsense gain ascendancy? The Almighty has no need of children.
posted by Burhanistan at 3:00 PM on April 9, 2009

I guess that explains why I got in so much trouble when I tried to use the defense that love was killing other people's children.

Now I understand why everyone was so pissed. It's just not good to transpose words like that.
posted by quin at 3:00 PM on April 9, 2009

Jesus, Burhanistan, you made enough comments in this thing?
posted by adamdschneider at 3:30 PM on April 9, 2009

Killed for less than that, I have.
posted by Burhanistan at 3:33 PM on April 9, 2009

Keep Jesus out of this.
posted by not_on_display at 3:34 PM on April 9, 2009

Killing Burhanistan could be a form of love. The same way killing the Buddha could be a form of love, I meant.
posted by twoleftfeet at 3:35 PM on April 9, 2009

(late again, I know)
posted by not_on_display at 3:36 PM on April 9, 2009

LOL. Keep the KKK out of this.
posted by twoleftfeet at 3:36 PM on April 9, 2009

May we go to L?
posted by twoleftfeet at 3:37 PM on April 9, 2009

Maybe.
posted by The World Famous at 3:40 PM on April 9, 2009

No.
posted by The Whelk at 3:40 PM on April 9, 2009

Ohbeh kaybee. Remember when everyone imitated Bill Cosby like he was some kind of figure worthy of emulation?
posted by Burhanistan at 3:43 PM on April 9, 2009

Phew! I can't believe I almost missed out on an alphabet thread.
posted by Kattullus at 3:48 PM on April 9, 2009

Qwabs: Still don't have.
posted by SpiffyRob at 3:57 PM on April 9, 2009

Remedies for qwabs include herbal ointments and a complete abstinence from Queensland Wind and Brass.
posted by twoleftfeet at 4:06 PM on April 9, 2009

Super! My first alphabet thread!
posted by Bango Skank at 4:23 PM on April 9, 2009

Takes too long to load this page now, why am I bothering?
posted by chococat at 4:34 PM on April 9, 2009

This thread is over 30 days old, and has been closed for archival purposes.
posted by twoleftfeet at 4:35 PM on April 9, 2009

Unusual influx of higher-user-numbered folks in here. Not that there's anything wrong with that, of course.
posted by dersins at 4:37 PM on April 9, 2009

Van down by the river - that's where all us high numbered folks end up living.
posted by Bango Skank at 4:53 PM on April 9, 2009

which river was that, again?
posted by UbuRoivas at 5:01 PM on April 9, 2009

Xanthic ones. Like this one.
posted by dersins at 5:08 PM on April 9, 2009

Yangtze was our first choice but the guys from Fark already took all the best van spots by the time we got there.
posted by Bango Skank at 5:17 PM on April 9, 2009

Zamboni! You might think it's OK, dersins, but what about us crotchety old bastards who don't want to hang with the newbies? Also, live preview doesn't like this thread.

yes, I added the Zamboni on preview rather than type a whole new comment
posted by dg at 5:19 PM on April 9, 2009

Yangtze rivers?
posted by twoleftfeet at 5:21 PM on April 9, 2009

Anyone who's that afraid of new blood is probably already so much of a victim of internet community inbreeding that it's too late for them. (c.f.)
posted by dersins at 5:23 PM on April 9, 2009

By the way, that was in response to dg. The rest of you need to keep up.
posted by dersins at 5:24 PM on April 9, 2009

Can I just post what I know that I will say some letters from now? Because that would really help with the page load thing.
posted by twoleftfeet at 5:25 PM on April 9, 2009

dersins, you missed "Zamboni". Say three Hail Marys
posted by Rumple at 5:29 PM on April 9, 2009

Entertaining that you might think so, Rumple, but if you scroll up a bit you'll note a misplaced "Yangtze" occurring immediately post-Zamboni. You wouldn't want me to double-Zamboni, would you?
posted by dersins at 5:34 PM on April 9, 2009

Fellows, I just stuck the mashed potatoes in my dick, now what?
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 5:37 PM on April 9, 2009

gnfti's here. Hide the drugs.
posted by dersins at 5:39 PM on April 9, 2009 [1 favorite]

get your dick out of thew keyhole, dancetard.
posted by artof.mulata at 5:39 PM on April 9, 2009

hell, i am definitely too slow for this game... can't spell; can't remember what comes after 'g'; and i suspect my punctuation is way off, too.
posted by artof.mulata at 5:42 PM on April 9, 2009

I wonder, does anyone know which alphabet thread was the longest?
posted by Kattullus at 5:44 PM on April 9, 2009

i guess we know where the drugs went, then.
posted by UbuRoivas at 5:45 PM on April 9, 2009

Jeez, you guys. Try to keep up. This isn't a double alphabet thread.
posted by dersins at 5:46 PM on April 9, 2009

hailmaryfullofgracethelordiswithpeeblessedartthouamongstblahmumblemumble.
posted by UbuRoivas at 5:47 PM on April 9, 2009

(i was just doing penance for commenting out of order)
posted by UbuRoivas at 6:02 PM on April 9, 2009

Jeez, you guys. Try to keep up. This isn't a double alphabet thread.

"kill! kill! kill!," she cried. It's a choose your own adventure moment!
posted by artof.mulata at 6:04 PM on April 9, 2009

killing isn't in my nature.

let's just branch the thread instead.
posted by UbuRoivas at 6:08 PM on April 9, 2009

Listen, if you keep commenting out of order, we will drop below the approved threshold of aphabetisation and lose our accreditation! Cut it the fuck out!
posted by dg at 6:11 PM on April 9, 2009

maybe we should look into a "flag of convenience" accreditation? say, from trinidad & tobago?
posted by UbuRoivas at 6:12 PM on April 9, 2009

No.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 6:27 PM on April 9, 2009

ok, then.
posted by UbuRoivas at 6:31 PM on April 9, 2009

Potty mouth! dg is a potty mouth!
posted by yhbc at 6:44 PM on April 9, 2009

"Quim" is an offensive word somewhere, I believe
posted by Rumple at 6:50 PM on April 9, 2009

Ultimately, us unsure uncontents
Verify verbiage's vitriol via
Webster's wonderful wordbook.
Xerces! Xenu!
Yell, ye yeti-yawpers:
Zen-like Zones
Await all.
posted by The White Hat at 8:21 PM on April 9, 2009 [1 favorite]

Really? Where?
posted by Bango Skank at 8:21 PM on April 9, 2009

Somerset. So they say.
posted by yhbc at 8:25 PM on April 9, 2009

The Wanton Lass" in The Pearl No. 1 [1]:

For one day, when amusing herself with this whim
The carrot it snapped, and part stuck in her quim.

(anonymous, 1879)
posted by Rumple at 8:27 PM on April 9, 2009

That Was Yesterday.
posted by dg at 8:30 PM on April 9, 2009

Unbelievable how hard it is to keep up with such a lag trying to load this thread.
posted by dg at 8:32 PM on April 9, 2009

...so much of a victim of internet community inbreeding that it's too late for them
Very possibly true, but you say that like it's a bad thing...
posted by dg at 8:35 PM on April 9, 2009

Wow, oh wow, oh wow. Just, you know, wow.
posted by Lynsey at 8:44 PM on April 9, 2009

XANADU - A STATELY PLEASURE DOME

In 3 miles. Take exit 459.

Gas, lodging, food, casino. Happy hour 1:00 - 12:00. Pets and children welcome.
posted by twoleftfeet at 8:46 PM on April 9, 2009

Yosemite to Xanadu
posted by Rumple at 8:54 PM on April 9, 2009

Yesh. Yippee! Yahoo. Yikes. Yay!
posted by Lynsey at 8:59 PM on April 9, 2009

Zamboni®
posted by not_on_display at 9:03 PM on April 9, 2009

Am I the only one who thinks the quality here has gotten BETTER?
posted by bwanabetty at 9:04 PM on April 9, 2009

But then you spoiled it by saying "gotten" instead of "become".
posted by dg at 9:09 PM on April 9, 2009

Can we argue about grammar? I think we can.
posted by dg at 9:10 PM on April 9, 2009

dude things were so much simpler then.
posted by bwanabetty at 9:11 PM on April 9, 2009

Except, they're better than that now.
posted by bwanabetty at 9:18 PM on April 9, 2009

Forgettable 80's music round
posted by Rumple at 9:39 PM on April 9, 2009

George Michael wants your sex
posted by twoleftfeet at 10:05 PM on April 9, 2009

Hall & Oates had nice shoes.
posted by twoleftfeet at 10:06 PM on April 9, 2009

Haircut 100
posted by not_on_display at 10:07 PM on April 9, 2009

Ice Ice Baby
posted by twoleftfeet at 10:18 PM on April 9, 2009

Jane's Getting Serious by the other Astley.
posted by Kattullus at 10:23 PM on April 9, 2009

J. Geils Band
posted by Rumple at 10:25 PM on April 9, 2009

KISS
posted by Deathalicious at 10:47 PM on April 9, 2009 [1 favorite]

Loverboy - Hot Girls in Love Hot girls! And they're in love!
posted by twoleftfeet at 10:50 PM on April 9, 2009

Michael Jackson vs. KISS
posted by Rumple at 11:07 PM on April 9, 2009

NEU!
posted by UbuRoivas at 11:25 PM on April 9, 2009 [1 favorite]

Olivia Newton John studies (Newtonian?) Physics
posted by twoleftfeet at 11:37 PM on April 9, 2009

Paul McCartney and Michael Jackson were a better team than Paul McCartney and John Lennon. Lennon couldn't dance.
posted by twoleftfeet at 11:37 PM on April 9, 2009

quelle horreur!
posted by UbuRoivas at 11:53 PM on April 9, 2009

really! (which was just a placefiller to get to the...
posted by UbuRoivas at 11:54 PM on April 9, 2009

Swans!
posted by UbuRoivas at 11:55 PM on April 9, 2009

Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - Talulah Gosh - My Best Friend.
posted by Kattullus at 12:09 AM on April 10, 2009 [1 favorite]

u must be joking, K. what a bunch of jingly-jangly crap. bands like The Clouds were doing exactly that, about fifteen years or even twenty years ago down under.
posted by UbuRoivas at 12:20 AM on April 10, 2009

Van Halen - Feels So Good
U2 - Bad.
Michael Jackson - Bad
posted by twoleftfeet at 12:21 AM on April 10, 2009

well, verily, even the lesbian beside me can't stand it.
posted by UbuRoivas at 12:25 AM on April 10, 2009

You know, I was in a forgotten 80's hair band and back then I always used to get the best chicks, man. I don't know what attracted them. It could have been my bigger-than-life lifestyle, my huge hair, my massive fan base, or my gigantic
posted by twoleftfeet at 12:32 AM on April 10, 2009

Xstasy ruined my ability to remember the alphabet. Let that be a lesson to you, hair band wannabees.
posted by twoleftfeet at 12:36 AM on April 10, 2009

Y Kant Tori Read?
posted by koeselitz at 12:45 AM on April 10, 2009

Zero Wing
posted by koeselitz at 12:58 AM on April 10, 2009

And did those feet in ancient time
Walk upon England's mountains green?
And was the holy Lamb of God
On England's pleasant pastures seen?
And did the Countenance Divine
Shine forth upon our clouded hills?
And was Jerusalem builded here
Among those dark Satanic mills?

Bring me my bow of burning gold:
Bring me my arrows of desire:
Bring me my spear: O clouds, unfold!
Bring me my chariot of fire!
I will not cease from mental fight,
Nor shall my sword sleep in my hand
Till we have built Jerusalem
In England's green and pleasant land.
posted by twoleftfeet at 1:41 AM on April 10, 2009

because too much Fall is never enough!
posted by UbuRoivas at 3:29 AM on April 10, 2009 [1 favorite]

'cause I was walking down the street
When i tripped up on a discarded banana skin
And on my way down i caught the side of my head
On a protruding brick chip
It was the government's fault
It was the fault of the government

I was very let down
From the budget i was expecting a one million quid handout
I was very disappointed
It was the government's fault
It was the fault of the government

Bring bow of burning gold:
Bring arrows of desire:
Bring me spear: o clouds unfold!

And though i rest from mental fight,
And though sword sleeps in hand
I will not rest til jerusalem is built

In englands green and pleasant land.

It was the fault of the government.
It was the fault of the government.
Jerusalem, Jerusalem.
posted by UbuRoivas at 3:41 AM on April 10, 2009 [1 favorite]

can't have too much mekons, either [←that version of 'thee olde trip to jerusalem' is from seven days ago. goddamn, they've still got it.]
posted by koeselitz at 3:45 AM on April 10, 2009 [1 favorite]

don't forget van der graaf generator
posted by koeselitz at 3:50 AM on April 10, 2009

egads! van der graaf generator!
posted by UbuRoivas at 3:56 AM on April 10, 2009

fuck, how have i never heard of these mekons?
posted by UbuRoivas at 4:04 AM on April 10, 2009

goddamn! never heard of these mekons? mekons = greatest country/post-punk collective that's ever existed. they are the real thing, man - knowing your impeccable taste, they will blow yr mind. Rest assured, their best isn't on youtube, either. (That Sally Timms can fucken sing.)
posted by koeselitz at 4:29 AM on April 10, 2009

Hey now, Ubu, The Clouds, fine as they were, postdate Talulah Gosh by a number of years. Though I'll admit that partly I just wanted to repeat the phrase "Talulah Gosh" over and over again. Also, The Mekons went downhill the moment they learned to play their instruments :)
posted by Kattullus at 5:01 AM on April 10, 2009

I'm coming late to the party. Where's the beer?
posted by djgh at 5:18 AM on April 10, 2009

Jessamyn drank it all.
posted by spinturtle at 5:41 AM on April 10, 2009

Knitters. If you love the Mekons, you'll love the Knitters!
posted by rtha at 5:43 AM on April 10, 2009 [1 favorite]

Love them? I'm wearing one.

Oh wait, you didn't say knits, did you?
posted by dg at 5:55 AM on April 10, 2009

MEKONS!!!

I envy you, Ubu. Dive in and enjoy!
posted by languagehat at 6:18 AM on April 10, 2009

Now I have the strangest feeling of déjà vu.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 6:33 AM on April 10, 2009

Oy vey.
posted by slogger at 6:56 AM on April 10, 2009

Plutor presents: The MetaFilter Alphabet Thread Helper Greasemonkey script. Wuh oh.
posted by Plutor at 8:27 AM on April 10, 2009

Query: How long is a long time?
posted by From Bklyn at 8:31 AM on April 10, 2009

Relatively long?
posted by rjs at 8:37 AM on April 10, 2009

Sometimes time feels way longer than it actually is.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 8:43 AM on April 10, 2009

Time deceives in that way.
posted by SpiffyRob at 8:48 AM on April 10, 2009

Ultimate subjective.
posted by Burhanistan at 8:52 AM on April 10, 2009

Uncanny.
posted by dersins at 8:54 AM on April 10, 2009

V, This is an alphabet thread! The next letter is
posted by not_on_display at 9:11 AM on April 10, 2009

Valley? Perhaps mountain. Maybe a floodplain which, though fertile, are disease-ridden (I should write a book called Everything I Know About Everything I Learned From Playing Civilization I-IV).
posted by Kattullus at 9:11 AM on April 10, 2009

Whoops! Missed out on the V!
posted by Kattullus at 9:12 AM on April 10, 2009

xXx was really just a stupid stupid movie.
posted by Burhanistan at 9:17 AM on April 10, 2009

You ain't kiddin', Burhanistan. And the sequel was worse.
posted by cgc373 at 9:32 AM on April 10, 2009

Zulu is a difficult Civ for me to get anywhere with. I'm kicking ass as Louis XIV at the moment.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 9:34 AM on April 10, 2009

Amboniszay areay ethey ecretsay otay uluianzay ilitarymay ominationday.
posted by cortex (staff) at 9:46 AM on April 10, 2009

Botulism guns are the secret to my military domination.
posted by Burhanistan at 9:48 AM on April 10, 2009

Civ. Rev on the DS is a horrific and wonderful timewaster.
posted by SpiffyRob at 9:51 AM on April 10, 2009

D'oh! Clearly 'moonMan sold the DS too soon. CIV! on the DS! Though that probably would mean that I would never read another book again.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 9:52 AM on April 10, 2009

Everything from the next gen Civ Rev versions of the game is there except for the Civpedia, which shouldn't be a problem if you know the franchise well already. That said, Civ Rev is a pretty stripped down version of Civ, but I think that's actually a plus on the DS, as it allows for more pick up and go action.
posted by SpiffyRob at 10:41 AM on April 10, 2009

For a present to myself in 1992 I got CIV II on four floppies which I ran on my 386. Ever since I wish I could play that game again but the overstuffed newer versions look like they require serious commitment and geekdom. True or false? thereby inaugurating Alphabet AskMetafilter
posted by Rumple at 11:26 AM on April 10, 2009

Give, Civ Rev a shot, Rumple. I think you'll find it very non-intimidating. It's available on most platforms.
posted by SpiffyRob at 12:21 PM on April 10, 2009

Hey, let's not all be drawn into that "other" alphabet thread, by the way.
posted by SpiffyRob at 12:21 PM on April 10, 2009

It's totally my fault that other thread turned into an alphabet thread. I did it on purpose to keep hoi polloi¹ out of this one.



1. N.B. not "the hoi polloi."
posted by dersins at 12:36 PM on April 10, 2009

Just say you think they're better than us if that's what you mean, man. No one's gonna freak out; we're pretty imflammable around here.
posted by cortex (staff) at 12:39 PM on April 10, 2009

Körtex: ON FŸRE!!
posted by not_on_display at 1:06 PM on April 10, 2009

Look, flammable and inflammable mean the same thing - ok? So, if you want to say that we're unable to go up in flames, you want to same "flame retardant" and not "inflammable" because the latter - well, it means flammable.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 2:33 PM on April 10, 2009

Man, don't get all hoi polloity on me, I don't need your condescentary.
posted by cortex (staff) at 2:37 PM on April 10, 2009

Not trying to be condescentary or pedantical, honest.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 2:40 PM on April 10, 2009

Oh look something shiny
posted by Rumple at 3:05 PM on April 10, 2009

Perhaps some of us prefer dull
posted by double block and bleed at 3:21 PM on April 10, 2009

Quite a silly game
posted by double block and bleed at 3:23 PM on April 10, 2009

Really should go do something useful now
posted by double block and bleed at 3:24 PM on April 10, 2009

Something useful? What would that be, exactly? Someone tell me, quick! I don't know if I've ever done it!
posted by grapefruitmoon at 3:41 PM on April 10, 2009

Tough to compare the different Civs, as they're all variations on a theme, sort of like comparing versions of the same song. In many ways Civ I is the best in that it has the best rhythm and flow, i.e. it never gets boring and its very simple and straightforward. Of the sequels I have to say I like IV the best, because while it has patches of boredom it always has enough different ways of winning that one always has something to think about. For me at least the endgames in II and III could be run on autopilot as far as I'm concerned. II and III also have the problem that it's usually pretty damn clear who'll win by the middle of the game and it's very hard to upset that dynamic. IV has the variety of possible victories to upset that and I has the inevitability of nuclear warfare. Nothing levels the playing field like nuking someone's capital, another important lesson learned by playing Civilization (another good lesson, learned from the sequels is that sending the nukes flying is usually a BAD IDEA™).
posted by Kattullus at 5:03 PM on April 10, 2009

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh *drool*
posted by not_on_display at 5:58 PM on April 10, 2009

Verizon wireless and Virginia Secret are the first two suggestions Firefox's search box gave me when I typed V.

When I type VA it suggests, among other things, Valkyrie, Vanguard, and Vampires.
posted by twoleftfeet at 7:13 PM on April 10, 2009

W googled? Gets you top hit: W.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 7:17 PM on April 10, 2009

X Googled? Gets you X.

I sense a pattern here
posted by dg at 7:28 PM on April 10, 2009

You see a pattern? I don't see any pattern.

yup, those are the two top Googles
posted by flapjax at midnite at 7:32 PM on April 10, 2009

Zamboni actually got a doctorate of enginerering degree from my university the year I graduated; I wanted to hear his speech, but he was to ill to attend.
posted by bwanabetty at 7:37 PM on April 10, 2009

Zamboni is the first result, also!

By the way, you know that when people say "flame retardant" they really mean "flame resistant", don't you?
posted by dg at 7:37 PM on April 10, 2009

Are we getting/becoming lazy now? Yes, we are.
posted by bwanabetty at 7:49 PM on April 10, 2009

By the way, today i ate my first ever portobello mushroom, and it was magnificent.
posted by UbuRoivas at 7:52 PM on April 10, 2009

(curiously, the education of the youth of australia is neither good, nor bad: the mushrooms were identified as portobellos, but spelled "portobella")
posted by UbuRoivas at 7:53 PM on April 10, 2009

Checker was able to identify it?
posted by bwanabetty at 7:54 PM on April 10, 2009

doh
posted by bwanabetty at 7:55 PM on April 10, 2009

explanation: for some unknown reason, the mushrooms available here are normally restricted to only one or two varieties (not including the dried fungi from asian stores). but this morning at a farmers' market there was a stall with dozens of different kinds! the plan is to try them all, week by week. of course, i had to go the portobello first...
posted by UbuRoivas at 7:58 PM on April 10, 2009

Farmers' markets are wonderful; I love that I live near one here in Dallas. Need to check the mushroom inventory ...
posted by bwanabetty at 8:02 PM on April 10, 2009

goat cheese - soft, blue & bitey - was another item i picked up. this market, which is within about 20 min walk from my place, has been open since december. it's all so organic, straight-from-farm-to-you that it must have an entry in stuffwhitepeoplelike...
posted by UbuRoivas at 8:05 PM on April 10, 2009

haha! i knew it!
posted by UbuRoivas at 8:06 PM on April 10, 2009

i think this captured the mood *exactly*:

White people also like Farmer’s Markets because it is outdoors (they love being outdoors), they can bring their dogs and children in expensive strollers, and they get to see other white people. If they are single, this is a good place to meet other single white people who share their passion for sustainability.
posted by UbuRoivas at 8:08 PM on April 10, 2009

Japanese people like organic, straight-from-farm-to-you also.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 8:21 PM on April 10, 2009

Kohlrabi is over-rated.
posted by Rumple at 8:53 PM on April 10, 2009

Lettuce is a handy ingredient to have on hand for green salads.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 9:00 PM on April 10, 2009

Mushrooms are one of the few things that go well with salad that can also produce a hallucinogenic experience.
posted by twoleftfeet at 9:04 PM on April 10, 2009

Nitrous Oxide is one of the few hallucinogens readily available in the supermarket.
posted by not_on_display at 9:27 PM on April 10, 2009

Others include Nutmeg, neigh neigh from nutmeg stay away!
posted by not_on_display at 9:30 PM on April 10, 2009

Peyote is not available in my local supermarket. Is it available in yours? If so, can you send me some?
posted by twoleftfeet at 9:36 PM on April 10, 2009

Psilocybin is also unavailable in most supermarkets.

Sorry to double up the Ps, but, come on, a "psi-"... how could one resist?
posted by flapjax at midnite at 9:39 PM on April 10, 2009

Psilocybin and Psi Exams are the first two suggestions when I type PSI into Firefox's search box.

Sorry. I really had to P.
posted by twoleftfeet at 9:48 PM on April 10, 2009

Painful as it might be, it would be funny if an alphabet thread got stuck on one letter.
posted by twoleftfeet at 9:53 PM on April 10, 2009

Plutor's alphabet thread Greasemonkey script would definitely have a problem.
posted by twoleftfeet at 9:58 PM on April 10, 2009

Quashing the game like that would be evil.
posted by not_on_display at 9:59 PM on April 10, 2009

Quite!
posted by flapjax at midnite at 10:22 PM on April 10, 2009

Quick brown foxes would get stuck halfway over lazy dogs
posted by Rumple at 12:07 AM on April 11, 2009

QTQAMO? (Quit the Qs and move on?)
posted by rjs at 1:30 AM on April 11, 2009

Quickly the quiz quagmires on a quilt-like quorum of qwabs.
posted by twoleftfeet at 2:26 AM on April 11, 2009

Really though, the reality of this revelation revolves around realizing that regular rules rob riches from righteous respondents.

You've got to love the letter you were born with. Unless you've got better.
posted by twoleftfeet at 2:44 AM on April 11, 2009

Stop this silliness now and get back on the alphabet track! You've confused Plutor's brand-new greasemonkey script!
posted by dg at 6:10 AM on April 11, 2009

Stuff White People like... greatest site ever, or greatestestestestest site evØЯ¿
posted by Kattullus at 7:04 AM on April 11, 2009

Stuff White People like... like you'd stuff a turkey at Thanksgiving?
posted by flapjax at midnite at 7:21 AM on April 11, 2009

Stuff it, white people.
posted by twoleftfeet at 8:07 AM on April 11, 2009

Stuff I like that's white: snow balls, sugar, salt, soft toilet paper, and white people.
posted by twoleftfeet at 8:16 AM on April 11, 2009

Stuff White People into Lockers
posted by cortex (staff) at 8:58 AM on April 11, 2009

St. Uff was a martyr who died from a punch to the gut.
posted by carsonb at 9:41 AM on April 11, 2009

STUFF (Shut The Up Fuck Fuck)
posted by Kattullus at 10:37 AM on April 11, 2009

Stu ff-fff-fuh-began stuttering in the th-th-thur-th-when he was 8 years oll-oh-oll-ff-ffuts! Fuck! I hate telling this story!
posted by carsonb at 10:53 AM on April 11, 2009

Stuffing white people like me into lockers won't make the world a better place. It's also hard on the lockers.
posted by rjs at 1:08 PM on April 11, 2009

stuff more like STUCK amirite
posted by not_on_display at 1:48 PM on April 11, 2009

Stuck up white people
posted by twoleftfeet at 2:09 PM on April 11, 2009

Takes a lot of time refreshing this page with all of the MeTa Greasemonkey scripts I have installed.
posted by double block and bleed at 4:22 PM on April 11, 2009

Ultraviolet light can be bad for white people.
posted by double block and bleed at 4:25 PM on April 11, 2009

Villians! You've broken Plutor's alphabet script!
posted by double block and bleed at 4:29 PM on April 11, 2009

We can fix it again.
posted by twoleftfeet at 5:10 PM on April 11, 2009

xamboni
posted by carsonb at 5:14 PM on April 11, 2009

Y god?
posted by carsonb at 5:17 PM on April 11, 2009

XOR: The Ultimate Maze Challenge!
posted by not_on_display at 5:18 PM on April 11, 2009

Zombo.com

Welcome to Zombocom.
This is Zombocom.
Welcome.
This is Zombocom. Welcome to Zombocom.
You can do anything at Zombocom. Anything at all.
The only limit is yourself.
Welcome to Zombocom.
Welcome to Zombocom.
This is Zombocom.
Welcome to Zombocom.
This is Zombocom, welcome.
Yes, this is Zombocom.
This is Zombocom, and welcome to you who have come to Zombocom.
Anything is possible at Zombocom.
You can do anything at Zombocom.
The infinite is possible at Zombocom.
The unattainable is unknown at Zombocom.
Welcome to Zombocom.
This is Zombocom.
Welcome to Zombocom.
Welcome, this is Zombocom.
Welcome to Zombocom.
Welcome to Zombocom.

posted by not_on_display at 5:23 PM on April 11, 2009

What the fuck are you people doing? I go to bed for a few hours and you can't even follow a simple fucking alphabet?
posted by dg at 5:47 PM on April 11, 2009

And while I was busy reading another thread, you redeemed yourselves. This is why I should preview.
posted by dg at 5:50 PM on April 11, 2009

Boys you alphabetter (yes, that was an egregious pun and I should feel ashamed of myself but, y'know... I don't!)
posted by Kattullus at 8:40 PM on April 11, 2009

Could it be that people are losing interest? I'm disappointed in the poor level of staying power you folks are displaying here. Just because it's a holiday weekend, doesn't mean you can slack off.
posted by dg at 10:03 PM on April 11, 2009

Does anyone else wonder how many consecutive comments it takes for the alphabet thread greasemonkey script to kick in?
posted by dg at 10:09 PM on April 11, 2009

Eight out of ten, I think.
posted by donnagirl at 10:11 PM on April 11, 2009

Except plutor, of course. I'm sure he knows.
posted by dg at 10:11 PM on April 11, 2009

Fuck!
posted by dg at 10:12 PM on April 11, 2009

Groovy, my last comment in the other alphabet thread was a "G" as well.
posted by donnagirl at 10:22 PM on April 11, 2009

HI, I'M ON METAFILTER AND I CAN OVERTHINK A B C
posted by twoleftfeet at 10:30 PM on April 11, 2009

I'd hardly call this overthinking.
posted by donnagirl at 10:43 PM on April 11, 2009

JE SUIS SUR LE METAFILTER ET JE PENSE QUE UNE PLATE DU BEANS ET MON FRANCAIS ES TRES MERDE.
posted by Burhanistan at 10:47 PM on April 11, 2009

'K, now we're back on track. I can feel my heartbeat returning to normal and the tightness in my chest is going away.

Whaddaya mean, overthinking?
posted by dg at 12:17 AM on April 12, 2009

Let's face it, même overthinking une assiette de haricots ne suffit pas pour MetaTalk. Pour encore loin d'être assez Meta, vous devez vous overthink overthinking une assiette de haricots.
posted by dg at 12:20 AM on April 12, 2009

Mots d'Heures: Gousses, Rames is one of my favorite books written in the French language, though I like to read it in English. Also, it's impossible to overthink in French.
posted by twoleftfeet at 2:06 AM on April 12, 2009

Non! Non! C'est pas vrai!
posted by flapjax at midnite at 2:21 AM on April 12, 2009

O no. Hola, estoy participando en Metafiltro y puedo pensar demasiado sobre un platillo de frijoles.

Also impossible to overthink in Spanish. Friggin' Romance languages. You can overthink in German.

Alphabet game, International Edition!
posted by twoleftfeet at 2:29 AM on April 12, 2009

.--. . .-. .... .- .--. ... -- --- .-. ... . -.-. --- -.. . .. ... . .- ... .. . .-. .-.-.-
posted by twoleftfeet at 3:16 AM on April 12, 2009

ici c'est der international ubersturmbahnalphabettenuberdenkenspiel?

bueno. let's falhar en Europanto!
posted by UbuRoivas at 5:41 AM on April 12, 2009

c'est ici. stupid europanto grammar.
posted by UbuRoivas at 5:42 AM on April 12, 2009

Donde esten las chicas bonitas con las cervezas frias?
posted by Rumple at 8:35 AM on April 12, 2009

ἔνθ᾽ ἄλλοι μὲν πάντες, ὅσοι φύγον αἰπὺν ὄλεθρον,
οἴκοι ἔσαν, πόλεμόν τε πεφευγότες ἠδὲ θάλασσαν:
τὸν δ᾽ οἶον νόστου κεχρημένον ἠδὲ γυναικὸς
νύμφη πότνι᾽ ἔρυκε Καλυψὼ δῖα θεάων
ἐν σπέσσι γλαφυροῖσι, λιλαιομένη πόσιν εἶναι.
ἀλλ᾽ ὅτε δὴ ἔτος ἦλθε περιπλομένων ἐνιαυτῶν,
τῷ οἱ ἐπεκλώσαντο θεοὶ οἶκόνδε νέεσθαι
εἰς Ἰθάκην, οὐδ᾽ ἔνθα πεφυγμένος ἦεν ἀέθλων
καὶ μετὰ οἷσι φίλοισι. θεοὶ δ᾽ ἐλέαιρον ἅπαντες
νόσφι Ποσειδάωνος: ὁ δ᾽ ἀσπερχὲς μενέαινεν
ἀντιθέῳ Ὀδυσῆι πάρος ἣν γαῖαν ἱκέσθαι.
posted by koeselitz at 9:14 AM on April 12, 2009

Φόρκυνος θυγάτηρ, ἁλὸς ἀτρυγέτοιο μέδοντος,
ἐν σπέεσι γλαφυροῖσι Ποσειδάωνι μιγεῖσα.
ἐκ τοῦ δὴ Ὀδυσῆα Ποσειδάων ἐνοσίχθων
οὔ τι κατακτείνει, πλάζει δ' ἀπὸ πατρίδος αἴης.
ἀλλ' ἄγεθ' ἡμεῖς οἵδε περιφραζώμεθα πάντες
νόστον, ὅπως ἔλθῃσι· Ποσειδάων δὲ μεθήσει
ὃν χόλον· οὐ μὲν γάρ τι δυνήσεται ἀντία πάντων
ἀθανάτων ἀέκητι θεῶν ἐριδαινέμεν οἶος.
posted by twoleftfeet at 2:27 PM on April 12, 2009

Greek letters are in the wrong alphabetical order.
posted by twoleftfeet at 2:29 PM on April 12, 2009

Heenternational Heedeetion? Hi know hof no heenternational halphabet!
posted by not_on_display at 2:36 PM on April 12, 2009

International Phonetic Alphabet
posted by twoleftfeet at 2:53 PM on April 12, 2009

Japan IPA
posted by not_on_display at 5:32 PM on April 12, 2009

Korean, why learn it?
posted by donnagirl at 8:55 PM on April 12, 2009

Lifehomese is the olfactory/secretory language of the beings inhabiting the planet Lifehome.
posted by twoleftfeet at 9:06 PM on April 12, 2009

Martians are giant underground worms who speak in long subsonic vibrations that humans can't hear, but can only detect by discomfort in their large intestines. In fact, most humans will involuntarily defecate from the vibrations of Martian speech.
posted by Burhanistan at 9:08 PM on April 12, 2009

Nederlands is de moedertaal van meerdere MeFieten.
posted by rjs at 10:31 PM on April 12, 2009

Oh, that's why I keep shitting my pants, then - Martians.
posted by dg at 11:34 PM on April 12, 2009

personally, I don't see what all the hubbub is about languages.
We're in 'merica, can't we just speak 'merican?
and the foreigners too.
posted by The Esteemed Doctor Bunsen Honeydew at 11:58 PM on April 12, 2009

Quite simply because it's not a real language, just a bastardised verison of a real language spoken by civilised beings around the globe.
posted by dg at 2:26 AM on April 13, 2009

Real languages spoken by civilised beings around the globe won't help on Mars, because it's a whole different globe.
posted by twoleftfeet at 2:28 AM on April 13, 2009

Semantography or Blissymbolics was conceived as an ideographic writing system consisting of several hundred basic symbols, each representing a concept, which can be composed together to generate new symbols that represent new concepts (for example).

A universal system of ideographic symbols would eliminate the difficulties associated with a plurality of phonetic alphabets adapted to specific variants of vocalization of essential cognitive roots. And it would make a great alphabet game! Except there is no alphabet, only a large set of ideograms.

I play ➚Ղ◣◯.
posted by twoleftfeet at 2:53 AM on April 13, 2009 [2 favorites]

There's also eurythmy. For reasons I can't quite recall a former boyfriend and I decided to attend a eurythmy (eurythmic?) performance of Dante's Inferno one evening. Not recommended, unless you enjoy a good snooze.
posted by rjs at 5:49 AM on April 13, 2009

The solution is clearly to move towards
posted by dg at 5:52 AM on April 13, 2009

understanding. But that can be pretty difficult when
posted by flapjax at midnite at 7:05 AM on April 13, 2009

Vikram won't join your sales team because
posted by SpiffyRob at 8:30 AM on April 13, 2009

when The Golden Gate was first published he swore he'd never work with freebooting marketeers (or was it marketroids?) again, no matter what
posted by cgc373 at 8:40 AM on April 13, 2009

xylophone tune they played. Still, Vikram longed for the days of
posted by SpiffyRob at 8:48 AM on April 13, 2009

yore, when salesmen were men, washing machines were Made in the USA (you betcha) and secretaries were just looking to get married and not looking for
posted by Rumple at 9:13 AM on April 13, 2009

Zambonis behind every garden hedge.
posted by UbuRoivas at 9:23 AM on April 13, 2009

Anyway, Vikram's petty getoffmylawnism aside, we still need to move towards understanding.
posted by SpiffyRob at 9:35 AM on April 13, 2009

Buddha understood
posted by Rumple at 11:03 AM on April 13, 2009

chemical engineering
posted by box at 11:24 AM on April 13, 2009

depends mostly on the ionic tendency of various substances, of which
posted by koeselitz at 11:25 AM on April 13, 2009

elements comprise the statistical heuristics of covalent isotopic tropical storms
posted by Burhanistan at 11:44 AM on April 13, 2009

Ecstasy most definitely was one.
posted by cgc373 at 11:45 AM on April 13, 2009

Frak.
posted by cgc373 at 11:46 AM on April 13, 2009

Generally I'm good with chemistry, but this here is confusing.
posted by Night_owl at 11:48 AM on April 13, 2009

Here's hoping that the 'what is an alphabet thread' thread in MeTa will mean we can push this one over the record line.
posted by koeselitz at 11:53 AM on April 13, 2009

I hope no one else is currently writing something that both begins and ends with I.
posted by Mister_A at 11:59 AM on April 13, 2009

Just wait.
posted by googly at 12:02 PM on April 13, 2009

So how does this work?
posted by eyeballkid at 12:10 PM on April 13, 2009

I'm confused.
posted by eyeballkid at 12:10 PM on April 13, 2009

1283 comments, huh?
posted by eyeballkid at 12:11 PM on April 13, 2009

¡Amazing!
posted by eyeballkid at 12:11 PM on April 13, 2009

You ruined it, ruiner!
posted by Mister_A at 12:14 PM on April 13, 2009

OMG I am the destroyer.
posted by eyeballkid at 12:15 PM on April 13, 2009 [1 favorite]

Actually I'm prepared to help out and start this up again.
posted by ob at 12:22 PM on April 13, 2009

Balls hang differently depending on temperature. After we mutate, our balls will preserve our seed at any temperature so they will have no need to descend from the abdomen, thus protecting future generations of mutants from comical kicks to the balls.
posted by Burhanistan at 12:27 PM on April 13, 2009

Comical? Easy for you to say.
posted by box at 12:30 PM on April 13, 2009

I feel good... NANANANANANA
I knew that I would now!
So good!

So good!

I got you!

*hip thrust*
posted by eyeballkid at 12:36 PM on April 13, 2009

Damn thing loads so slowly it probably won't
posted by adamvasco at 12:37 PM on April 13, 2009

eat cilantro. Big threads like this avoid cilantro because of the fear of teh ghey.
posted by Burhanistan at 12:38 PM on April 13, 2009

Fhuggeddaboudit
posted by djgh at 1:09 PM on April 13, 2009

God, it's all so clear. Everything up until now has been a game of miscommunication, a message garbled. Like Gene Hackman in The Conversation, I've been listening to eyeballkid all this time, the message repeating over and over in my mind, but I haven't been hearing it, until, too late, I have my own Harry Caul moment:

I hate you all...

I hate you, al...

I hate you, alphabet.

If you'll excuse me, me and my saxaphone need to go pry up the floorboards of the admin interface now.
posted by cortex (staff) at 1:40 PM on April 13, 2009 [2 favorites]

I HATE YOU ALL.
posted by eyeballkid at 1:44 PM on April 13, 2009

Held in reserve: A brief guide to the IMF’s “currency”.
posted by shii at 1:44 PM on April 13, 2009

Just taking my chance to participate here. Wow, I feel like such a joiner!
posted by marginaliana at 1:54 PM on April 13, 2009

Sweet! Another spoiler! You go marginaliana!
posted by eyeballkid at 1:57 PM on April 13, 2009

Kidding, he is, when hate us all he claims to.
posted by dg at 2:24 PM on April 13, 2009

Last refuge of the scoundrel, Yodary is.
posted by cortex (staff) at 2:37 PM on April 13, 2009

marking time and space
posted by edgeways at 3:08 PM on April 13, 2009

numinous jizz
posted by Burhanistan at 3:10 PM on April 13, 2009

Dude.
posted by eyeballkid at 3:13 PM on April 13, 2009

Looks like that Phil Spector dude is going to jail.
posted by eyeballkid at 3:40 PM on April 13, 2009

Once upon a time,
posted by not_on_display at 3:44 PM on April 13, 2009

There was this dude with big hair who like guns.
posted by eyeballkid at 3:50 PM on April 13, 2009

Shit. "Liked"
posted by eyeballkid at 3:50 PM on April 13, 2009

Actually, "liked"

I need MeFi white out.
posted by eyeballkid at 3:51 PM on April 13, 2009

people followed orders. Nowadays
posted by twoleftfeet at 4:03 PM on April 13, 2009

only soldiers follow orders. I'll tell you, though, some of these ballet dancers, they
posted by flapjax at midnite at 4:06 PM on April 13, 2009

never go forward in alphabet games. They go backward. That's because
posted by flapjax at midnite at 4:07 PM on April 13, 2009

many of them are turned around. Why? Well, that's because
posted by flapjax at midnite at 4:09 PM on April 13, 2009

of scrot itch?
posted by eyeballkid at 4:16 PM on April 13, 2009

mom? is that you?
posted by eyeballkid at 4:18 PM on April 13, 2009

little ballerina feet are
posted by twoleftfeet at 4:20 PM on April 13, 2009

made to pirouette, moving
posted by twoleftfeet at 4:20 PM on April 13, 2009

onward, forward, to the
posted by twoleftfeet at 4:20 PM on April 13, 2009

But seriously, is it supposed to be all red and pus-filled?
posted by eyeballkid at 4:23 PM on April 13, 2009

naturally, ballerinas can skip as well
posted by twoleftfeet at 4:25 PM on April 13, 2009

on ice as they can on a stage full of rat carcasses. However, when pirohuetting, they are strongly advised to
posted by flapjax at midnite at 4:36 PM on April 13, 2009

pirohuette around eyeballkid, who is not paying attention. Furthermore,
posted by flapjax at midnite at 4:38 PM on April 13, 2009

quiet hints aren't helping. May be time to
posted by twoleftfeet at 4:43 PM on April 13, 2009

GODDAMNIT I TRIED A FUCKING SCRUBBING BRUSH AND A FUCKING STEEL WOOL BALL BUT THE ITCH WILL NOT GO AWAY AND NOW I'VE GOT A STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE MESS OF PUS AND BLOOD ON THE HARDWOOD FLOOR I NEED TO CLEAN UP BEFORE THE DOG FINDS IT AND MAKES A MEAL OF IT.
posted by eyeballkid at 4:57 PM on April 13, 2009

Per earlier pirohuetting rule, methinks I'll head homeward now to
posted by twoleftfeet at 5:06 PM on April 13, 2009

ogle with Google. That's just a polite way of saying that I want to see
posted by twoleftfeet at 5:16 PM on April 13, 2009

no more comments that do not follow the ALPHABET GAME STRUCTURE!! YOU HEAR THAT EYEBALLKID? ARE WE COMING THROUGH???

ahem... good.

Now, moving backwards through the alphabet, eyeballkid suddenly stumbled upon a
posted by flapjax at midnite at 5:21 PM on April 13, 2009

Giant oozing orifice.
posted by eyeballkid at 5:39 PM on April 13, 2009

major discovery. What he discovered was that, as someone who was unable to play nicely with others, he was left out of all the games that the cool kids played. No matter how hard he tried, they just ignored him and went about their game-play as if he wasn't even there.
posted by dg at 5:47 PM on April 13, 2009

Lasers!
posted by box at 5:49 PM on April 13, 2009

A while ago, I created a font from my handwriting. Changing my MeFi preferences to that font makes it seem like only I exist here. As if this thread is a long conversation amongst my many selves.

the games that the cool kids played

It hurts me that I'm not one of the cool kids.

It hurts me deeply.
posted by eyeballkid at 5:51 PM on April 13, 2009

Kryptonite!
posted by flapjax at midnite at 5:59 PM on April 13, 2009

Jesus! With lasers and kryptonite!
posted by flapjax at midnite at 6:02 PM on April 13, 2009

I'm sorry if I hurt you, eyeballkid. Despite your oft-stated hate for me, I think you're basically a good kid. Here, catch!

*throws dodgeball*
posted by dg at 6:09 PM on April 13, 2009

Hey, does the alphabet thread script work for reverse alphabet?
posted by dg at 6:11 PM on April 13, 2009

Gosh, that's a good question.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 6:18 PM on April 13, 2009

Far as I know, the alphabet script works for both forwards and backwards arrangements of the standard alphabet (as in, not the one that eyeballkid is working with).
posted by grapefruitmoon at 6:22 PM on April 13, 2009

eyeballkid.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 6:26 PM on April 13, 2009

Don't you drag me into your ridiculous game.
posted by eyeballkid at 6:32 PM on April 13, 2009

Crap.
posted by eyeballkid at 6:33 PM on April 13, 2009

BONED
posted by cortex (staff) at 6:34 PM on April 13, 2009

Another Bad Creation.
posted by box at 6:38 PM on April 13, 2009

So is this over now? I'd like to talk about me some more.
posted by eyeballkid at 6:41 PM on April 13, 2009

By god, we will not talk about you some more.

Oh, wait, I just talked about you, didn't I?
posted by dg at 6:54 PM on April 13, 2009

Cookie Crew.
posted by box at 7:31 PM on April 13, 2009

Do these pants make my butt look fat?
posted by twoleftfeet at 8:02 PM on April 13, 2009

Easter was great this year. It was my birthday.
posted by zinfandel at 8:22 PM on April 13, 2009

Fat? Not so much. Round? Definitely.
posted by donnagirl at 8:30 PM on April 13, 2009

Got round to making an RSS feed that just shows the last 10 comments from this page. You can use it too.
posted by twoleftfeet at 8:50 PM on April 13, 2009

Hmmmm. It doesn't refresh as fast as it should though.
posted by twoleftfeet at 8:54 PM on April 13, 2009

I mostly look at Recent Activity.
posted by box at 9:12 PM on April 13, 2009

Just post some whatever... it's all about getting the comment number up... right? What is the longest alphabet thread anyway?
posted by Kattullus at 9:37 PM on April 13, 2009

Kattullus, asking about the longest alphabet thread is like asking about the longest rainbow.
posted by box at 9:42 PM on April 13, 2009

Let me just use this opportunity to gratuitously link to this live version of Ween's Homo Rainbow featuring Queens of the Stone Age.
posted by Kattullus at 10:09 PM on April 13, 2009

Most likely the longest alphabet thread had 2012 comments.
posted by twoleftfeet at 10:16 PM on April 13, 2009

Noni juice is just one more "magical jungle fruit" scam. If these fruits are so powerful, why aren't natives from those regions invading Europe and making miracle potions out of their fruits?
posted by Burhanistan at 10:22 PM on April 13, 2009

Okay. Fine. I'm still going to make this thread about me one way or another.
posted by eyeballkid at 11:02 PM on April 13, 2009

Please go right ahead. Given how much you hate us all, don't expect it to be a fun thread.
posted by dg at 11:29 PM on April 13, 2009

Quit while you're ahead, eyeballkid.
posted by The Esteemed Doctor Bunsen Honeydew at 12:13 AM on April 14, 2009

Right now, I would rather have a donut than the bagel I'm eating.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 4:15 AM on April 14, 2009

Stop whining and pass the cream cheese.
posted by not_on_display at 4:32 AM on April 14, 2009

The bagel. The donut. The creamcheese. And the grapefruit moon. These were the things that drifted hrough my mind, as I drifted off to sleep...
posted by flapjax at midnite at 4:41 AM on April 14, 2009

Underneath me the rumble strips vibrated up through the car. It careened toward the side of the road as unconsciousness claimed me.
posted by Edwahd at 8:59 AM on April 14, 2009

Varsley: So what's your favorite word in French?
Laisiqua: "Guava", I guess.
Varsley: That's not French.
Laisiqua: Then suck it, conniving earth-mother.
Constable Fluffernutter: Well wha's all this going on 'ere then?

to be cont'd
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 9:01 AM on April 14, 2009

Well, you guys have been busy little beavers since the last time I checked in! Although, frankly, the proliferation of alphabet threads is getting out of hand, and I may have to retire from them....
posted by dersins at 9:15 AM on April 14, 2009

X-rays, Xterras, Xylophones--in this economy, I can't afford to retire.
posted by box at 9:44 AM on April 14, 2009

Yeah, dersins, I think I might be to blame for some of that. Sorry?
posted by Night_owl at 9:55 AM on April 14, 2009

You can't leave us, dersins! Just because it's become popular, doesn't mean it's still not fun!

Also, does "two or three" equal a "proliferation?"... unless there are many more alphathreads I haven't seen, in which case, never mind, go.. go... fly, be free.
posted by not_on_display at 9:57 AM on April 14, 2009

Zamboni Driver's advice on Sex and Dating
posted by not_on_display at 9:58 AM on April 14, 2009

Assholes.
posted by eyeballkid at 10:00 AM on April 14, 2009

Bung-lets
posted by Burhanistan at 10:03 AM on April 14, 2009

Craphole crusties
posted by Burhanistan at 10:04 AM on April 14, 2009

Didgeridoo doo
posted by Burhanistan at 10:04 AM on April 14, 2009

Eat me.
posted by eyeballkid at 10:12 AM on April 14, 2009

Fargin Icehole
posted by Burhanistan at 10:13 AM on April 14, 2009

Gefilte fish lips
posted by Burhanistan at 10:25 AM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]

Hell and damn are no longer considered naughty words, you fuckheads.
posted by twoleftfeet at 10:41 AM on April 14, 2009

Icehole fargers.
posted by twoleftfeet at 10:42 AM on April 14, 2009

Jello bait.
posted by twoleftfeet at 10:44 AM on April 14, 2009

Kvetching vegan.
posted by Burhanistan at 10:49 AM on April 14, 2009

Kick out the jams, brotherhumpers and sisterdiddlers.
posted by dersins at 10:50 AM on April 14, 2009

LOLitas
posted by twoleftfeet at 11:13 AM on April 14, 2009

♫ Let's call the whole thing off. ♫

(I've been wondering why my ears have been burning. Now I know.)
posted by zamboni at 11:14 AM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]

Mr/Mrs zamboni - stick around. We'll have use for you shortly.
posted by The Esteemed Doctor Bunsen Honeydew at 12:12 PM on April 14, 2009

Man, I really hope this thread breaks the record (2012) for the largest number of comments in an alphabet game. I really need it ever since they took away my gold medal at the Olympics.

Friggin' drug tests.
posted by twoleftfeet at 12:12 PM on April 14, 2009

Needless to say, it's no Palin or sans quoi, but those weren't alphabet threads of course.
posted by dersins at 12:20 PM on April 14, 2009

Oh, but if they had been, wouldn't it have been awesome?
posted by donnagirl at 12:26 PM on April 14, 2009

Probably not, no.
posted by Burhanistan at 12:32 PM on April 14, 2009

Quite possibly yes, though.
posted by dg at 12:56 PM on April 14, 2009

(remove from activity)
posted by chococat at 12:58 PM on April 14, 2009

So I downloaded the patch, but all the realm servers are down.
posted by eyeballkid at 1:02 PM on April 14, 2009

Try unsubscribing from your google toolbar.
posted by not_on_display at 1:14 PM on April 14, 2009

Unsubsribing now! Hello! I'm unsubscribing! Anyone home? Toolbar? Hello?
posted by rjs at 1:21 PM on April 14, 2009

Unsubscribing from tools, whether they are in bars or not, is usually a good idea anyway.
posted by dg at 1:22 PM on April 14, 2009

Van children were born in Good Times vans.
posted by Burhanistan at 1:44 PM on April 14, 2009

Why are the realm servers down still? I'm sitting here in my underwear with nothing to do but continue a stupid fucking alphabet thread.
posted by eyeballkid at 2:47 PM on April 14, 2009

You wear underwear? Also, what the hell is a realm server and why are you trying to get laid instead?
posted by Burhanistan at 2:49 PM on April 14, 2009

Zul'jin, for example, is a realm server. I play on Crushridge.
posted by eyeballkid at 2:51 PM on April 14, 2009

Apparently, I blew past X, and I don't even care!
posted by Burhanistan at 2:53 PM on April 14, 2009

Burhanistan is totally X-IST.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 2:56 PM on April 14, 2009

Christ forgives you, Bhan.
posted by cortex (staff) at 3:09 PM on April 14, 2009

Do you presume to speak for Me?
posted by eyeballkid at 3:20 PM on April 14, 2009

eyeballkid may or may not forgive you.
posted by cortex (staff) at 3:22 PM on April 14, 2009

Forgive, but nevar forgit 9-!!!!!1
posted by not_on_display at 3:27 PM on April 14, 2009

God loves a moran.
posted by eyeballkid at 3:30 PM on April 14, 2009

Hey! I got a good night's sleep last night and I wake up to find eyeballkid is being a good boy, finally. I guess it's gonna be a good day.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 3:47 PM on April 14, 2009

I'm now considering switching back to douchebag mode just to throw your day off.
posted by eyeballkid at 4:32 PM on April 14, 2009

Just close your eyeballs and think of England.
posted by cortex (staff) at 4:35 PM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]

Knights and fair maidens, bad teeth and good beer. Just keep your hands off the queen.
posted by eyeballkid at 4:36 PM on April 14, 2009

Lords, ladies, lager louts...
posted by flapjax at midnite at 4:56 PM on April 14, 2009

McCartney...
posted by flapjax at midnite at 4:56 PM on April 14, 2009

Noooooooo!
posted by dg at 5:12 PM on April 14, 2009

Perhaps everything could be fixed if we just
posted by The Esteemed Doctor Bunsen Honeydew at 6:32 PM on April 14, 2009

Only Paul McCartney and Michael Jackson were a better team than Paul McCartney and John Lennon. Lennon couldn't dance. Those two bridged an ocean.
posted by twoleftfeet at 6:34 PM on April 14, 2009

Quit flipping me off.
posted by twoleftfeet at 6:35 PM on April 14, 2009

Really?
posted by zamboni at 7:26 PM on April 14, 2009

seriously, zamboni, i said WAIT. Your time will come.
posted by The Esteemed Doctor Bunsen Honeydew at 7:46 PM on April 14, 2009

So how DID they fit all those cats on all those scanners?
posted by not_on_display at 7:46 PM on April 14, 2009

Tags alphabetgame and alphabetthread were just added to this thread, but I don't know if that's appropriate.
posted by twoleftfeet at 8:10 PM on April 14, 2009

Useful maybe, but I don't know if these things are worth advertising.
posted by twoleftfeet at 8:13 PM on April 14, 2009

Vagina.
posted by koeselitz at 9:23 PM on April 14, 2009

Why is it, when I'm drunk, it's easier to comment when I'm sober?
posted by koeselitz at 9:25 PM on April 14, 2009

Xavier McDaniels would've said it was because you let the BEAST out to put training wheels on your psyche.

(Bad joke from another thread)
posted by Burhanistan at 9:27 PM on April 14, 2009

You still there Zamboni? It's your cue...
posted by twoleftfeet at 9:30 PM on April 14, 2009

You know, I just wanted to say that there should be the word 'than' between 'comment' and 'when' in my last comment.
posted by koeselitz at 9:30 PM on April 14, 2009

Yes, and Zamboni was late for his appointment, triggering a disruption in the space-time continuum that weakened hope of ever reaching 2012, especially for the Dutch. Many were forced to improvise. (Previously.) Alphabet games were pushed back in priority.
posted by twoleftfeet at 12:09 AM on April 15, 2009

Yes, and Alphabet Games quickly became third-rate players to "Yes, and".
posted by twoleftfeet at 12:10 AM on April 15, 2009

Yes, and Butterscotch is neither Butter nor Scotch. Discuss.
posted by twoleftfeet at 12:11 AM on April 15, 2009

Zamboni.

(ah, I feel much better now.)
posted by not_on_display at 5:16 AM on April 15, 2009

Ah, not_on_display feels much better now.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 5:22 AM on April 15, 2009

Busting out a zamboni usually improves his mood.
posted by donnagirl at 6:14 AM on April 15, 2009

Candy corn is neither corn nor (a very good) candy.
posted by The Esteemed Doctor Bunsen Honeydew at 6:27 AM on April 15, 2009

Discuss?
posted by The Esteemed Doctor Bunsen Honeydew at 6:27 AM on April 15, 2009

Embellish?
posted by flapjax at midnite at 6:34 AM on April 15, 2009

Fuck you, Doctor. Candy corn is the god-king of candy.
posted by Plutor at 6:36 AM on April 15, 2009

Gummis are more G-d like than candy corn. Especially those Trolli gummi strawberries. OM NOM NOM.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 8:32 AM on April 15, 2009

Hell if I can find any Kosher or Halal gummy bears, though. That gelatin is questionably sourced.
posted by Burhanistan at 8:50 AM on April 15, 2009

I bet you could probably make your own gummi bears if you could just find the molds.
posted by Night_owl at 9:59 AM on April 15, 2009

Jew-cy!
posted by Burhanistan at 10:15 AM on April 15, 2009

Kandy Korn is corn but it's not candy.
posted by twoleftfeet at 11:11 AM on April 15, 2009

LOLlipop
posted by twoleftfeet at 11:15 AM on April 15, 2009

My favorite candy is dark chocolate. Almost as great as busting out my zamboni.
posted by not_on_display at 11:22 AM on April 15, 2009 [1 favorite]

Nerds
posted by twoleftfeet at 11:26 AM on April 15, 2009

Mmm, hooves.

If you search for vegan/vegetarian jelly beans, Burhanistan, you ought to be able to find ones that, while they may not be certified, are kosher and halal. Here are some (never bought anything from these folks, no relationship whatsoever, just high on the list of results). I'm not sure where you are, but, if you're in the US, there's a pretty good chance that the local co-op or Whole Foods or whatever carries them.
posted by box at 11:26 AM on April 15, 2009

Oops. I'm a dark chocolate fan myself.
posted by box at 11:28 AM on April 15, 2009

Pshaw. I eat Noka chocolates by the bushel and use the containers to store old nail clippings and scabs.
posted by Burhanistan at 11:39 AM on April 15, 2009

Quick, somebody, what should I eat for lunch? There's decent Chinese, Mexican, Cajun, Middle Eastern and Vietnamese. There are also wings, burgers, bar food, and probably some places I'm forgetting. And a Whole Foods and a regular grocery store. I have access to a microwave and a toaster oven.
posted by box at 11:49 AM on April 15, 2009

Research shows that burritos are the most delicious.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 11:54 AM on April 15, 2009

Studies suggest La Hacienda is the best Mexican restaurant in town. Thanks, grapefruitmoon!
posted by box at 12:00 PM on April 15, 2009

There is, no doubt, a Mexican restaurant in every major town or city called "La Hacienda"
posted by dg at 1:19 PM on April 15, 2009

Ummm wait. Bhan, you store them?

I just eat them right away!
posted by not_on_display at 1:31 PM on April 15, 2009

Victory has a name. It's called a Steakhouse burger.

That gastrointestinal distress and inevitable heart failure have the same name is just a coincidence.
posted by quin at 1:39 PM on April 15, 2009

Worms. Another name for vermicelli.
posted by twoleftfeet at 3:31 PM on April 15, 2009

Xinh Xao. Another name for grass jelly.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 3:39 PM on April 15, 2009

Yellow. Another name for greenish-orange.
posted by cortex (staff) at 4:28 PM on April 15, 2009 [1 favorite]

Zebra. A horse of a different color combination.
posted by dersins at 4:32 PM on April 15, 2009

Again! Again! Again!

But no more after that.
posted by klangklangston at 5:02 PM on April 15, 2009

Bingo! Bango! Bongo!

Bill Schonely was the best radio announcer ever.
posted by cortex (staff) at 5:03 PM on April 15, 2009

Cassius Clay Clothing!

Boxer shorts?
posted by twoleftfeet at 5:27 PM on April 15, 2009

Ding Dang Dong
posted by flapjax at midnite at 5:55 PM on April 15, 2009

Exceed Every Expectation. or don't, what do I care?
posted by donnagirl at 6:35 PM on April 15, 2009

Fuck Fuck Fuck.
am I doing it wrong?
posted by The Esteemed Doctor Bunsen Honeydew at 6:38 PM on April 15, 2009

Got to admit that earlier when I said Cassius Clay Clothing, I should have said something far more witty.

But it's difficult.

Some people lurk and never comment, and for these people I'd like to explain the incredibly complex process by which we make a comment in a MetaTalk thread. First, our Director of Emerging Opportunities contacts the Research and Development Division, notifying them that a new investment in an additional comment will be required. After hours of brainstorming, several possible comments or comment-types are mocked up and presented in Powerpoint to mid-level managers who evaluate the strategic significance and potential profitability of the comment. In the case in question, some of the proposed comments included:
  Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
  Clang Clang Clang Went the Trolley
  Ching Chang Chong
  Can Can't Cun't
but the Sales & Marketing people didn't like any of them. Several focus groups were brought in, and none of the proposed solutions tested well. So we paid an external consulting firm to generate the comment. None of us here at twoleftfeet like the solution they came up with, so we will not be employing their services again.
posted by twoleftfeet at 6:49 PM on April 15, 2009

Going going gong.

is what I should have said in my last comment.
posted by twoleftfeet at 6:51 PM on April 15, 2009

Ha ha ha!

not really, of course. I'm just trying to stick with the theme
posted by flapjax at midnite at 6:52 PM on April 15, 2009

I and I and I

Rastafarian with a split personality. Jah love.
posted by twoleftfeet at 7:28 PM on April 15, 2009

Jrun run run

No, wait! I don't think that's right.
posted by dg at 7:46 PM on April 15, 2009

Klang klang klangston went the trolley!
posted by donnagirl at 7:58 PM on April 15, 2009

Lackluster, last least, limp lover.
posted by box at 8:08 PM on April 15, 2009

Manly men might mention me, maybe.
posted by zinfandel at 8:27 PM on April 15, 2009

No, never. No.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 8:31 PM on April 15, 2009

Oy oy oy.
posted by not_on_display at 8:54 PM on April 15, 2009

PI PI PI
WE HAVE FOUND AN INTRUDER
posted by cortex (staff) at 9:25 PM on April 15, 2009

Q queue cue.
posted by dersins at 9:32 PM on April 15, 2009

Really, now. Tonight's Daily Show interview with the lady who chairs the TARP oversight committee was just jaw droppingly, gut bustingly WTF funny. My wife and I were almost in tears.
posted by Burhanistan at 9:43 PM on April 15, 2009

Say, Say, Say is one of the greatest pieces of music ever written because it incorporates the talents of two great musical geniuses; Paul McCartney and Michael Jackson. Each of these titans of the tune will undoubtedly be remembered for Eternity for the sheer beauty of their creations, but together their music was not only sublime but angelic. And Lennon couldn't dance.
posted by twoleftfeet at 10:02 PM on April 15, 2009

Total hacks, all of them.
posted by Burhanistan at 10:15 PM on April 15, 2009

Up Up Up and away in my beautiful balloon.
posted by twoleftfeet at 10:25 PM on April 15, 2009

Veni, vedi, vici

and I left a comment.
posted by twoleftfeet at 10:26 PM on April 15, 2009

WWW was chosen as the acronym for "World Wide Web" early on in the history of the Internets, before usability experts noticed that WWW had three times as many syllables as "World Wide Web". Ever since, people have spent three times as much time saying the acronym as they would have spent saying the thing it stands for.
posted by twoleftfeet at 10:44 PM on April 15, 2009

xXx was really just a remake of Gymkata. Discuss.
posted by dersins at 10:50 PM on April 15, 2009

XXX could be a triple X-rated movie. Why then are there no double X-rated movies? Or maybe it has to do with jug of hootch. Or with Amsterdam.

I miss Amsterdam sometimes. Good hootch. Good jugs.
posted by twoleftfeet at 10:50 PM on April 15, 2009

Yeah Yeah Yeah's new album "It's Blitz" is the missing link between Berlin and Missing Persons.
posted by eyeballkid at 12:51 AM on April 16, 2009

ZZzzzzzzzzzz
posted by twoleftfeet at 1:27 AM on April 16, 2009

.
posted by chinston at 6:47 AM on April 16, 2009

And lo, after a 214 comment lapse, SpiffyRob returned to the alphabet thread.
posted by SpiffyRob at 8:26 AM on April 16, 2009

Butts lo(l).
posted by cortex (staff) at 8:46 AM on April 16, 2009

Cortex- such a potty mouth!
posted by zamboni at 9:05 AM on April 16, 2009

Dinosaur doo doo dip, Ringo style!
posted by Burhanistan at 9:15 AM on April 16, 2009

Everyone needs a hug.
posted by twoleftfeet at 12:42 PM on April 16, 2009

Feh!
posted by Burhanistan at 1:10 PM on April 16, 2009

Gweh!
posted by SpiffyRob at 1:48 PM on April 16, 2009

heh
posted by Burhanistan at 1:59 PM on April 16, 2009

I once had pride, now I'm reduced to this; training kittens to trip people so I can steal their money.

Still, I get to be outside! So that's nice.
posted by quin at 2:12 PM on April 16, 2009

Just go the extra mile and train your kittens steal for you.
posted by Burhanistan at 2:36 PM on April 16, 2009

Kittens: Great thieves or greatest thieves?
posted by grapefruitmoon at 2:39 PM on April 16, 2009

LOLcat burglars.
posted by twoleftfeet at 3:30 PM on April 16, 2009

Mmmmmmm, cat burgers.
what? oh! burgLers!
posted by donnagirl at 5:50 PM on April 16, 2009

Oh no! We've been flanked by turdburglers!
posted by cortex (staff) at 6:05 PM on April 16, 2009

Poop! We skipped "N" and I had a great joke about Nazi cats!
posted by grapefruitmoon at 6:07 PM on April 16, 2009

Niiiice kitty. Goooood kitty.
posted by not_on_display at 6:09 PM on April 16, 2009

Quincy had that punk-rock episode, but CHiPs had an episode where some guy trained his pets to rob a bank (couple dogs, a parrot, I believe there were some monkeys in there).
posted by box at 6:10 PM on April 16, 2009

Rue Morgue, the Murders in the. First detective story ever. The monkey did it.
posted by twoleftfeet at 6:32 PM on April 16, 2009

So what if the monkey did it? Tell me something interesting.
posted by The Esteemed Doctor Bunsen Honeydew at 6:43 PM on April 16, 2009

Sestinas? They're, like, the goddamn sudoku of formal poetry.
posted by box at 6:43 PM on April 16, 2009

Trained a thousand monkeys to typewrite and severeal weeks later they reproduced the works of Shakespeare. Then I got them all Metafilter accounts and here we are.
posted by twoleftfeet at 7:19 PM on April 16, 2009 [1 favorite]

U CAN HAS MAH BANANANA
posted by not_on_display at 8:13 PM on April 16, 2009

Very soon, one of those monkeys is likely to bust out a zamboni.
posted by donnagirl at 11:25 PM on April 16, 2009

When monkeys eat your forebrain after savagely attacking, it is because they have a superstition that eating human brains will hasten their evolution.
posted by Burhanistan at 11:35 PM on April 16, 2009

Xenophobic bestial tendencies aside, maybe they are right and brain tissue has proteins that cause them to to develop sperm with certain desirable genes activated.
posted by Burhanistan at 11:38 PM on April 16, 2009

YAMBONI
posted by cortex (staff) at 11:39 PM on April 16, 2009

Zebra monkeys hump en masse, in long ordered lines. It looks like those old fake motion books that have the sliding piece of lined plastic. You've never heard of zebra monkeys?
posted by Burhanistan at 11:43 PM on April 16, 2009

Apes are where it's at.
posted by rjs at 1:03 AM on April 17, 2009

BAMBINI
posted by UbuRoivas at 2:15 AM on April 17, 2009

CASTRATI
posted by flapjax at midnite at 5:30 AM on April 17, 2009

DUCATI
posted by chinston at 6:22 AM on April 17, 2009 [1 favorite]

ENNIO MORRICONE
posted by SpiffyRob at 7:15 AM on April 17, 2009

FETTUCINI
posted by grapefruitmoon at 7:47 AM on April 17, 2009

GLITTERATI
posted by donnagirl at 8:08 AM on April 17, 2009

HAVARTI
posted by zamboni at 8:47 AM on April 17, 2009

HOMIE SPUMONI
posted by box at 8:47 AM on April 17, 2009

INCUBI
posted by SpiffyRob at 8:48 AM on April 17, 2009

JEDI
posted by Rumple at 8:51 AM on April 17, 2009

KALAHARI
posted by quin at 9:09 AM on April 17, 2009

KABADDI

whatever the fuck that is. I just like saying "East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94".Try it-- you'll see what I mean.

East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94
posted by dersins at 9:10 AM on April 17, 2009

LASAGNE
posted by Night_owl at 9:47 AM on April 17, 2009

MONDAVI
posted by SpiffyRob at 9:53 AM on April 17, 2009

NADAWI
posted by Night_owl at 10:02 AM on April 17, 2009

OI
posted by Rumple at 10:14 AM on April 17, 2009

PIZZA PIE!
posted by not_on_display at 11:21 AM on April 17, 2009

Quite an interesting sport, Kabaddi.

smock smock smock
posted by not_on_display at 11:31 AM on April 17, 2009

SPUMONI
posted by The Esteemed Doctor Bunsen Honeydew at 1:18 PM on April 17, 2009

Rififi is a classic movie about a group of burglars who conspire to steal the letter R from an alphabet thread.
posted by twoleftfeet at 1:33 PM on April 17, 2009

TARTUFFI
posted by zamboni at 2:04 PM on April 17, 2009

Treachery! twoleftfeet told a tall tale!
posted by Night_owl at 2:16 PM on April 17, 2009

UBERTINI (NSFW)
posted by languagehat at 2:52 PM on April 17, 2009

VONGOLE (SFW)
posted by UbuRoivas at 3:06 PM on April 17, 2009

WATUSI
posted by zamboni at 3:17 PM on April 17, 2009

XANTHIPPE
posted by UbuRoivas at 3:43 PM on April 17, 2009

YONI

Oh no noni. Don't stick in a
posted by twoleftfeet at 3:44 PM on April 17, 2009

ZARATE

Ha-ha, no zamboni for you.
posted by Night_owl at 3:58 PM on April 17, 2009

ANDANTE'S TOWERING INFERNO
posted by flapjax at midnite at 5:53 PM on April 17, 2009

Best circle: Lust

According to Yelp, Zagat, Expedia, and Travelocity.
posted by twoleftfeet at 6:23 PM on April 17, 2009

Circle 3 - Gluttony - can also be fun, as far as Hell goes. Whenever I'm in Hell I always make a quick stopover at Gluttony.
posted by twoleftfeet at 6:39 PM on April 17, 2009

Don't you think there ought to be more than seven Deadly Sins? I mean, a lot of sins have been invented since the original list. Shouldn't the list be updated?
posted by twoleftfeet at 6:41 PM on April 17, 2009

Eh, there are no new sins, just combinations and permutations of the old standards.
posted by Burhanistan at 7:00 PM on April 17, 2009

For the record: Sloth is totally my favorite sin.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 7:17 PM on April 17, 2009

Gluttony + Sloth = Fast Food
posted by twoleftfeet at 7:31 PM on April 17, 2009

Hell hath no standards, and doesn't care about your sins.
posted by zinfandel at 8:13 PM on April 17, 2009

If Heaven is a place where nothing ever happens, then isn't Hell a place where everything always happens?
posted by flapjax at midnite at 9:09 PM on April 17, 2009

Janus, the Roman god of gates and doorways, had two faces pointing in opposite directions. Some have interpreted Janus as a sort of Roman St. Peter, standing at the Pearly Gates, deciding who moves forward into the heavenly realm and who moves backwards into Hell. But it is more likely that the godliness of Janus came from his function as doorkeeper between things as they were and things as they will be (as when one leaves an old room and enters a new room). In this metaphor, Heaven could be the static past and Hell the dynamic future.
posted by twoleftfeet at 9:26 PM on April 17, 2009

Kant said something like we don't know jack but something is much larger than we are. Or something like that.
posted by Burhanistan at 9:28 PM on April 17, 2009

Like or like-like?
posted by gingerbeer at 10:50 PM on April 17, 2009

Monkey-like.
posted by Burhanistan at 11:34 PM on April 17, 2009

Never going to hit 2013 comments. Alas.
posted by dersins at 1:19 AM on April 18, 2009

Olympic Gold demands unusual dedication. 2013 is a goal we can all understand. But we have just one more day.
posted by twoleftfeet at 2:12 AM on April 18, 2009

Perhaps if we opened the discussion to everybody we could get enough participation to win the Gold medal!

Point of order... this thread dies at 3:20 AM on April 19 (Pacific Time. -8 hours GMT) because that's 30 days from OP. Right? Cortex?
posted by twoleftfeet at 2:19 AM on April 18, 2009

Quite right.

Or not. Actually, I have no idea. IANAM.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 3:06 AM on April 18, 2009

Rally together, y'all. With dedication, we can make it!
posted by Night_owl at 7:48 AM on April 18, 2009

Sure thing!
posted by languagehat at 7:56 AM on April 18, 2009

That's the spirit!
posted by grapefruitmoon at 8:11 AM on April 18, 2009

Taking part while I still can.
posted by rjs at 8:12 AM on April 18, 2009

Uh-oh. In our enthusiasm, we've started doubling. Preview, preview, preview, OK!
posted by grapefruitmoon at 8:15 AM on April 18, 2009

Verily!
posted by box at 8:19 AM on April 18, 2009

Weekends are quiet; I'll try to do my part!
posted by donnagirl at 8:29 AM on April 18, 2009

X marks the spot.

(I did preview, but I've got a pretty slow connection and with behemoths like this one it's possible for someone else to slip in regardless.)
posted by rjs at 8:33 AM on April 18, 2009

You still going? I guess I am too.
posted by Kattullus at 8:48 AM on April 18, 2009

Zamboni!
posted by zamboni at 9:07 AM on April 18, 2009 [3 favorites]

Appleseed!
posted by box at 9:09 AM on April 18, 2009

But this is what she hollered at me as I walked in the door:
"Ooh, get out of here with that * * * and don't come back no more!
posted by Night_owl at 9:44 AM on April 18, 2009

Crap?
posted by box at 10:38 AM on April 18, 2009

Dubious, highly dubious.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 10:58 AM on April 18, 2009

Egad!
posted by languagehat at 12:29 PM on April 18, 2009

Fudge! (not pottymouth-ist)
posted by Burhanistan at 1:20 PM on April 18, 2009

Forward. Keep moving forward!
posted by twoleftfeet at 1:21 PM on April 18, 2009

Go! Go! Go!
posted by twoleftfeet at 1:22 PM on April 18, 2009

Hep hep hep
posted by Burhanistan at 1:28 PM on April 18, 2009

I think there should be some positive content beyond just inflating the comment count.
posted by Burhanistan at 1:28 PM on April 18, 2009

JUST inflating the comment count? Why, inflating the comment count is the key to world thread domination.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 2:05 PM on April 18, 2009

K, k, why do I always get stuck with K?

(Unless somebody beats me to it, that is. Let's preview.)

(So far, so good.)
posted by rjs at 2:27 PM on April 18, 2009

Little girl dies for not reciting alphabet
posted by twoleftfeet at 3:43 PM on April 18, 2009

My first internet thread. And I want it to be a record breaker! *Stomps feet*
posted by Night_owl at 5:34 PM on April 18, 2009

Why is this page the size it is?
posted by jepler at 7:47 PM on April 18, 2009

If you pick the first line up off the W like a matchstick puzzle, it looks kinda like a lazy N or something.
posted by box at 7:49 PM on April 18, 2009

Now I have so many letter choices, but I'm going back to the last known good comment and choosing "N"
posted by donnagirl at 7:54 PM on April 18, 2009

Oh, I may as well comment again.
posted by donnagirl at 7:55 PM on April 18, 2009

Perhaps one more time - if we're not going for the overall record, I can at least establish a personal best.
posted by donnagirl at 7:57 PM on April 18, 2009

Quixotic quest, that's what that is.
posted by box at 8:07 PM on April 18, 2009

Real talk though, my personal best is almost certainly this thread.
posted by box at 8:11 PM on April 18, 2009

Silly people...I CAN HAZ HUG NOW
posted by yoHighness at 8:27 PM on April 18, 2009

Tarps can be used to cover all sorts of things. Things like...
posted by flapjax at midnite at 8:45 PM on April 18, 2009

underpants, which are normally covered up anyway, but if you find yourself in your underwear and you want to cover up, it's better to use a tarp than a
posted by twoleftfeet at 8:58 PM on April 18, 2009

unchecked warts and pustules on giant
posted by Burhanistan at 8:58 PM on April 18, 2009

very sheer piece of fabric, which besides not providing protection is quite likely to
posted by donnagirl at 9:04 PM on April 18, 2009

With less than seven hours left to go in this thread, I just want to say that I'm really proud of myself for sticking with it for 30 days. It inspires me. I feel now that I might be able to keep something else going that long, like a job or a marriage.
posted by twoleftfeet at 9:11 PM on April 18, 2009

Xylitol is overrated.
posted by Burhanistan at 9:18 PM on April 18, 2009

Yikes, only seven hours? I thought it was 30 full days?
posted by Burhanistan at 9:19 PM on April 18, 2009

Zoroaster's message was debased very soon after his death.
posted by Burhanistan at 9:20 PM on April 18, 2009

Ahura Mazda was not named after the car company.
posted by box at 9:22 PM on April 18, 2009

But all distortions aside, Zurvan is the most interesting aspect of Zoroastrianism derived concepts, in my opinion.
posted by Burhanistan at 9:31 PM on April 18, 2009

Could you say more, burhan?
posted by gingerbeer at 9:56 PM on April 18, 2009

Death is the only certainty, but Zurvan went beyond all other abstractions into what could be termed "Absolute Time". All is perishing, but within that there is a potential for infinite renewal.
posted by Burhanistan at 10:02 PM on April 18, 2009 [2 favorites]

Everything ends eventually.
posted by rjs at 10:36 PM on April 18, 2009

For shame! Every discreet thing eventually will end, but Everything will always keep on going because it is all-inclusive, including the Void.
posted by Burhanistan at 10:40 PM on April 18, 2009

Gee. I dunno about that.
posted by cgc373 at 10:45 PM on April 18, 2009

Has anyone the capacity to determine one way or the other? My money is on the Unfathomable Endless Endlessness.
posted by Burhanistan at 10:49 PM on April 18, 2009

It would seem that thoughts to the contrary are simply symptomatic of the egocentric psyche cowering in fear of the Unstoppable Unknowable Totality of Infinitude so they take comfort in the delusion of the second law of thermodynamics.
posted by Burhanistan at 10:51 PM on April 18, 2009

Just more bricks in the wall, man.
posted by cgc373 at 11:07 PM on April 18, 2009

Know what? I made the first comment in this thread.

That means I'm the winner.
posted by koeselitz at 11:18 PM on April 18, 2009

Less of the bragging about comment ordinality, or you might find yourself the victim of a slip of the ol' mod pointer. If you know what I'm saying.
posted by cortex (staff) at 11:20 PM on April 18, 2009

Mod pointer? I always thought of it more as an scalpel.
posted by donnagirl at 11:35 PM on April 18, 2009

No, wait, maybe as a - OUCH! I'm bleeding! Nope, it's definitely a scalpel. Do I go to jessamyn to get stitched up?
posted by donnagirl at 11:39 PM on April 18, 2009

Oh my, I know what the mod pointer is.
posted by Burhanistan at 11:47 PM on April 18, 2009

Penis. A penis.
posted by Burhanistan at 11:47 PM on April 18, 2009

Quips about sexual organs aside, it's the mod pointer, all right. You all misunderstand. See, cortex means that he can just

str user

int main(void)
{
user = koeselitz;
printf("\n");
printf("I know where you live, %d; you live at %p, and I swear to god I will come and kick your ass.\n", user, &user);

return 0;
}

if he wants to.
posted by koeselitz at 11:55 PM on April 18, 2009

Ralph Kramden's pal Ed Norton pronounced "pointere" in the old Brooklynese as "pernter".

That is all.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 12:22 AM on April 19, 2009

Say, where'd that extra "e" at the end of "pointer" come from?
posted by flapjax at midnite at 12:23 AM on April 19, 2009

That is all.
posted by cgc373 at 2:05 AM on April 19, 2009

Unless I am sadly mistaken, this is the last comment of this thread.
posted by twoleftfeet at 2:14 AM on April 19, 2009

Very sadly mistaken, twoleftfeet.
posted by cgc373 at 3:00 AM on April 19, 2009

Why not three or fourleftfeet?
posted by cgc373 at 3:01 AM on April 19, 2009

Xleftfeet would allow more flexibility and provide greater humor during dance routines.
posted by cgc373 at 3:01 AM on April 19, 2009

You know you want more leftfeet than a mere two.
posted by cgc373 at 3:02 AM on April 19, 2009

Zillions of left feet!
posted by cgc373 at 3:02 AM on April 19, 2009

And I'll post again at 3:20 AM just to see whether we're in fact finished around here, or whether we've got another twenty-four hours to break a record.
posted by cgc373 at 3:04 AM on April 19, 2009

BREAK, I say, BREAK.
posted by cgc373 at 3:04 AM on April 19, 2009

Come on. Just me in here?
posted by cgc373 at 3:12 AM on April 19, 2009

Don't give up.
posted by cgc373 at 3:13 AM on April 19, 2009

Eventually the record's got to break.
posted by cgc373 at 3:13 AM on April 19, 2009

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
posted by cgc373 at 3:14 AM on April 19, 2009

Gift H! Gift H! Gift H! Gift H! Gift H!
posted by cgc373 at 3:15 AM on April 19, 2009

H Gift! H Gift! H Gift! H Gift! H Gift!
posted by cgc373 at 3:16 AM on April 19, 2009

I is the only vowel in there. So I GTFH is what we're working with? Sucks to be I GTFH.
posted by cgc373 at 3:17 AM on April 19, 2009

Just a couple more comments to 3:20 AM.
posted by cgc373 at 3:17 AM on April 19, 2009

Killin' me, is what the anticipation's doin'.
posted by cgc373 at 3:17 AM on April 19, 2009

 
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posted by twoleftfeet at 3:18 AM on April 19, 2009 [1 favorite]

Like, not literal killin', you know.
posted by cgc373 at 3:18 AM on April 19, 2009

My word!
posted by cgc373 at 3:18 AM on April 19, 2009

Now we're talkin'!
posted by cgc373 at 3:19 AM on April 19, 2009

no more.
posted by twoleftfeet at 3:19 AM on April 19, 2009

Ow! We're talkin'!
posted by cgc373 at 3:19 AM on April 19, 2009

Page over?
posted by cgc373 at 3:20 AM on April 19, 2009

Question?
posted by cgc373 at 3:20 AM on April 19, 2009

Respite?
posted by cgc373 at 3:20 AM on April 19, 2009

Testing: 3:21 AM.
posted by cgc373 at 3:21 AM on April 19, 2009

thanks, everybody!
posted by twoleftfeet at 3:21 AM on April 19, 2009

Unless I'm sadly mistaken, we've got some friggin' commenting to do today, people.
posted by cgc373 at 3:22 AM on April 19, 2009

verily.
posted by UbuRoivas at 4:15 AM on April 19, 2009

VROO would be the next letter in the Seussian alphabet (proposed by Dr. Seuss in the book On Beyond Zebra!), which continues the alphabet beyond Z towards yuzz, glikk, and wum.
posted by twoleftfeet at 4:15 AM on April 19, 2009

What the hell? It's not the 20th yet, you silly sods.
posted by cortex (staff) at 7:41 AM on April 19, 2009

Xcellent!
posted by donnagirl at 8:32 AM on April 19, 2009

You know what I think? Now that pirates are getting all this publicity, we are going to see ninjas make a comeback as well.

Expect more silent night-time assassination attempts, and messages delivered via throwing star.
posted by quin at 9:50 AM on April 19, 2009

Zombie ninja pirates might be the next big thing.
posted by donnagirl at 10:19 AM on April 19, 2009

Apes, I tell you. Primates, not pirates.
posted by rjs at 10:28 AM on April 19, 2009

Bonobos, not buccaneers.
posted by donnagirl at 10:43 AM on April 19, 2009

Chimps, not Curonians.
posted by rjs at 12:55 PM on April 19, 2009

D'oh!
posted by dg at 1:05 PM on April 19, 2009

Epicureans, not Endodontists.
posted by box at 1:48 PM on April 19, 2009

Feline night monkeys not Freebooters.
posted by twoleftfeet at 2:02 PM on April 19, 2009

Gorillas, not grifters.
posted by donnagirl at 2:24 PM on April 19, 2009

Hoffman's Titi not hijackers.
posted by twoleftfeet at 2:53 PM on April 19, 2009

I once shot an elephant in my pajamas.
posted by twoleftfeet at 4:02 PM on April 19, 2009

Just how he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
posted by twoleftfeet at 4:03 PM on April 19, 2009

Koincidentally, I used to have the same problem - I solved it by not wearing pyjamas.
posted by dg at 4:36 PM on April 19, 2009

Lyrics that teach little learners about letters, not lewd lamentations that lend legitimacy to licentiousness.

Also, that song's about the letter L, so how can I resist?
posted by koeselitz at 6:41 PM on April 19, 2009

My maths is poor, so I can't begin to figure out when this thread actually ends, but I'm amazed at everyone commenting here just to try and be the last. I would never do a thing like that, of course.
posted by dg at 7:08 PM on April 19, 2009

Na na na na, na na na na, hey hey, goodbye. This alphabet thread was fun, thanks you weirdos.
posted by not_on_display at 7:35 PM on April 19, 2009

Oh wow, I'm feeling nostalgic for this thread. Remember way back when, when twoleftfeet just wanted things to be visible longer? And then later, when cortex said we'll never be able to eliminate providence from the equation? Good times.
posted by donnagirl at 7:53 PM on April 19, 2009

Oops, I didn't get to make the last comment, after all.
posted by zinfandel at 7:53 PM on April 19, 2009

Pants!
posted by fantabulous timewaster at 8:02 PM on April 19, 2009

Quakers are interesting. Anyone here a Quaker?
posted by donnagirl at 8:05 PM on April 19, 2009

Right, I suppose we're coming to the end. I'm vaguely debating setting my alarm for 6 instead of 6:30 to see if I can't see it end.
posted by Kattullus at 8:21 PM on April 19, 2009

Seven hours left to go...
posted by twoleftfeet at 8:22 PM on April 19, 2009

Thanks all, I'm out of here. Peace.
posted by donnagirl at 9:04 PM on April 19, 2009

Unless you are asking about Quaker parrots donnagirl, I can't help you. Though, if that is what you are looking for, I've got lots of stories;

Mine's name is Gir, because he's green and dumb as brick. And since I'm a very bad person, the first phrase I taught him was "Here kitty, kitty!"

In a house with four hungry cats, this would normally be tantamount to assisted suicide, but for whatever reasons, my kitties are either really dumb, or my bird is smarter than I've given credit for.

Or, I just haven't waited long enough yet...
posted by quin at 9:51 PM on April 19, 2009

Vi or emacs!

Debate it until the small hours of the morning. I'm off to bed. Goodnight, sweet thread.
posted by cortex (staff) at 10:23 PM on April 19, 2009

Welterweight or flyweight? I don't want to be fighting out of my editor war weight class.
posted by zamboni at 10:48 PM on April 19, 2009

You should always transpose the lyrics in this song as
posted by Burhanistan at 10:55 PM on April 19, 2009

Zamboni, zamboni, said zam zam zam zam zam boni.
posted by Burhanistan at 10:56 PM on April 19, 2009 [1 favorite]

Are we going to stop here? It's only just over 300 comments until 2000. And more than 3 hours to go.
posted by Kattullus at 11:50 PM on April 19, 2009

Better men than we have tried and failed, Katullus. And anyway. it's way the hell past my bedtime. Goodnight, alphabet thread.
posted by dersins at 12:52 AM on April 20, 2009

Circumstances have intervened in my case.

I just flew into Denver - I was out on Long Island at my grandmother's funeral - and my flight was delayed two hours. The last bus back into town from the airport here left over an hour ago, and I'm not shellin' 60 bucks for a goddamned taxi, so I guess I'm stranded here. I have wifi, though, so there's that.

And I guess I'll be here nursing this thread along for the next couple of hours, too, while I work on some web design stuff.
posted by koeselitz at 1:21 AM on April 20, 2009

Does anybody read the posts down here?
posted by twoleftfeet at 2:10 AM on April 20, 2009

definitely the last comment...
posted by koeselitz at 3:04 AM on April 20, 2009

END. THE.
posted by twoleftfeet at 3:15 AM on April 20, 2009

FIN (peut être)
posted by Kattullus at 3:16 AM on April 20, 2009

Goodbye little thread. You shall be missed.
posted by twoleftfeet at 3:19 AM on April 20, 2009

Hello, thread afterlife!
posted by Kattullus at 3:19 AM on April 20, 2009 [2 favorites]