Lisa: Alright, look I did not ask for the stupid award.posted by smackfu at 11:47 AM on September 23, 2009 [4 favorites]
Beth: If I were you I'd be upset too. I mean you? Cute? Come on.
Lisa: I am not entirely uncute. I... I... Why are you being nasty about this?
Beth: I'm not being nasty. You're pretty. You're very pretty in fact. But cute, I don't think so.
Lisa: Well I wasn't aware there was a difference.
Beth: Well of course there is a difference. Pretty means pretty. Cute means pretty but short and/or hyperactive - like me.
Lisa: Uh huh. What is beautiful?
Beth: Beautiful means pretty and tall.
Lisa: Gorgeous?
Beth: Pretty with great hair.
Lisa: Striking?
Beth: Pretty with a big nose.
Lisa: OK, you're making this up.
Beth: That's ridiculous, why would I make it up?
Lisa: Voluptuous?
Beth: Pretty and fat.
Lisa: Sexy?
Beth: Pretty and easy.
Lisa: Exotic?
Beth: Ugly
So no, I don't think it's intended as "put others first" but rather a more practical "what works best to reach and teach people"Part of the trouble is that being nice isn't necessarily the best way to reach people. Everyone likes to say that, of course, they'll listen to politely worded logic. We're all rational people here. In practice, sometimes you have to yell to get anyone's attention.
klangklangston, am I right that this encounter ( "Uh... I just wanted to tell you," he said, matching pace with us, "that you are a very attractive man." stands out in your mind as unusual?I imagine you agree (as you seem to in the thread to which I linked) that, when it comes to unsought public assessment of one's physical appearance, the experiences of men and women are vastly different. So I'm wondering (earnestly wondering, not snarking: what's the point you're making by telling that story?
I ask because such an encounter would not be unusual for me or most of my female friends. Indeed, if it stood out at all in my memory, it would be as a remarkably innocuous interaction, not as an upsetting advance.
For the record, I'm over 35, of average-ish attractiveness, a little overweight, and I dress modestly and sport a full head of gray hair. And still I get much more aggressive come-ons than the remark you describe, and my civil demurrals often lead to hostile responses*. It was significantly worse when I was younger, slimmer, and less adept at deflecting the attention.
*By civil demurrals, I mean remarks like "No, thank you" or "I really can't talk [gesture toward book I'm reading]; I'm studying for an exam" and by hostile responses I mean everything from "Jeez, if you're gonna be that way about it..." to "Well, FUCK YOU THEN."
Compared to these interactions, which still happen to me maybe ten times a year, having a man give a disapponited look as you walk away from his (intended) compliment strikes me as mild.
Teaching moments are wonderful, but I think that no marginalized person is obligated to swallow justified hurt and anger to better "teach" the privileged or "squash" the mess or racism. That people of color are nearly always asked to do so in the face of prejudice is spiritually wearying and a tyranny.She continues, analyzing additional examples of the "teaching moment" philosphy, and solidly rejecting it. She calls attention to this trend in polite society to show more compassion to the homophobe than the homosexual, give more consideration to the misogynist than the feminist, and to show more concern for the feelings of the racist than those of the person of color. Her essay concludes:
I wrote this over on Anti-Racist Parent in response to a parent who wondered how to address the impact of his aunt's racism on his mixed-race family. But, you know, it's not just people of color who are constantly expected to show extraordinary compassion when faced with bias. It is women, gays, lesbians and the transgendered. It is the disabled, the obese, immigrants and the poor. Ask any marginalized person and it is a safe bet that they have been told "have a sense a humor," "don't be so PC," "that's just how so-and-so was raised," "here's a great teaching moment, "you have to understand some people won't be comfortable with x, y, z," "he didn't really mean it."
Today, when an "ism" shows its face, too much public sympathy rests with the offender and not the offended. As I've written before, in these times, hearing someone branded a racist is likely to upset more folks than encountered racism. Stick any bias in there--sexism, homophobia, transphobia, xenophobia...and the result is the same. It is, I think, the way the status quo defends itself when it gets tired of treating certain people equally.
Certainly, the point of calling out bias is to make people more aware of it and to reduce it. And, as the old adage goes, one catches more flies with honey than vinegar. Cajoling and gentle prodding is often more effective than angry shouting. And women, people of color and other groups learn early to pick their battles, lest they be branded bitter, angry or over-sensitive. There are just some dull aches that have to be swallowed. We try to pick our battles strategically, but it is stressful and ultimately soul-destroying to have to work so hard to ignore so much--to constantly be forced to show benevolence in the face of rude and dehumanizing treatment.
I believe in using the most effective means to change, but I also believe in calling "isms" for what they are and not coating them in equivocations and wishy-washy language that lets oppressors feel good about themselves.If you have a few minutes to read her post in its entirety, it is well worth it.
Sometimes, someone else needs to be the "bigger person."
That she is good looking affects the media's handling of the whole affair. This is an interesting facet. Not less valid than anything else we can talk about. OK?
posted by krilli at 2:45 PM on September 22, 2009 [1 favorite]